A Head in the Polls
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NARRATOR: You're entering the vicinity of an area adjacent to a location.
A place you might find a monster or weird mirror.
These are examples. It could be much better.
Prepare to enter The Scary Door.
Per your request, please find enclosed the last man on earth.
Finally, solitude. I can read books for all eternity.
It's not fair. It's not fair!
Wait, my eyes aren't that bad. I can read the large print books.
It's not...! Well, lucky I can read braille.
Hey, look, a weird mirror.
Cursed by his own hubris.
A debate's on! Change the channel!
That's what Fry said when we turned on the debate.
TV ANNOUNCER: C- Span 9 presents "The Thrill of Politics. "
[SNORING]
There are no car chases...
...but one of these men will become president of the world.
So? We live in the United States.
That's part of the world.
I have been gone a long time.
It's time someone had the courage to say:
"I'm against things everybody hates. "
I respect my opponent. He's a good man.
But frankly, I agree with everything he just said!
These candidates sound like clones.
Wait, they are clones!
Even with identical DNA, they differ on key issues.
Your three-cent titanium tax goes too far!
Your three-cent titanium tax doesn't go too far enough!
If I were registered, I'd send a message...
...by staying home on election day, dressed like a clown.
- You're not registered? - Not vaccinated, either.
One vote never made a difference.
The first robot president won by exactly one vote.
John Quincy Adding Machine.
He enticed voters by pledging not to go on a killing spree.
But, like most, he promised more than he could deliver.
One vote can make a difference...
...and even though it won't, you're going to register.
Yes, that's a capital idea! Let's all go register.
When did you care about voting?
The very instant I became old.
The problem is, both parties give your tax dollars...
...to the less fortunate.
They get all the breaks!
You could join a third party, maybe.
Only weirdos and mutants join third parties.
I'd better keep an eye out at the next meeting.
- What's your party, Bender? - I can't vote.
- Because you're a robot? - No, a felon.
We favor huge subsidies to the Brain Slug planet.
Okay, but what are the Brain Slugs gonna do for the working man?
- Attach Brain Slugs to them. - Sure, you say that now.
Is it true you can make shirts and rope out of hemp?
Dave's not here, man.
- I heard hemp makes great shampoo. - It does?
No way! I gotta check out this brochure.
What are you doing to protect my right to bear doomsday devices?
We'll get rid of the three-day waiting period for mad scientists.
Today, the mad scientist can't get a doomsday device...
...tomorrow, the mad grad student. Where will it end?
Amen! I don't go anywhere without my mutated anthrax...
...for duck hunting.
Sure, humans are cute...
...but how will we test cosmetics?
I concur.
Here's a party to get excited about. Sign me up.
Not with that attitude.
- Okay, screw it. - Welcome aboard, brother!
- All right! - You're out.
I'm actually getting interested in politics.
[SNORING]
With two weeks left, the question is...
... who will be the next president of Earth?
Jack Johnson, or bitter rival, John Jackson?
Terrific candidates, huh, Morbo?
All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo.
Disaster struck on Saturn 's moon, Titan...
... when a titanium mine collapsed, trapping 1 000 robot workers.
Good lord!
Without a quick response, the robots will die within 300 years.
What rescue operations are planned?
We'll pave over the area, then move on.
The news sent titanium prices skyrocketing.
- I'm rich! - What do you mean?
My body's 40 percent titanium.
I'm finally richer than those snooty ATMs.
- Too bad you can't spend it. - Oh, can't I?
- No. - Watch me, poor man.
MAN: Pleasure doing business with you.
[BENDER LAUGHS]
Game's over, losers. I have all the money.
Compare your lives to mine, and then kill yourselves.
Hey, get away!
You get five dollars to not do what you're thinking about.
You just lost five dollars.
Hey, buddy, little help?
Thank you!
Hello, peasants.
What happened to you?
Yeah, did you get a haircut?
No, I sold my body!
Sold your body? Bender, I've been down that road.
It's glamorous, the parties are great...
...but you'll spend every dollar on jewelry and skintight pants.
How are you gonna live without a body?
Bodies are for hookers and fat people.
All I need is a wad of cash with a head.
- Now you can pay off your loan shark. - What's he gonna do, break my legs?
This is the life.
Another martini, please?
Shaken, not stirred.
Yeah!
Put it all on black.
Ooh! Ah! Ouch! Oh!
21 red.
I beg your pardon, 33 black.
Yes! The rich get richer!
Strike! In your face, Leela!
Ow!
Timber!
Can I ride in your car?
No, it looks like your neck stepped in something.
Oh, I'm sorry, that's just your body.
Look me in the shins and say that!
I've had it up to here with this place.
I'm off to hang out with classy heads like me, who appreciate...
...poetry, philosophy, hats.
So long, coffin stuffers!
Could one of you coffin stuffers please carry me?
Which group of heads is good enough for me?
What do you think, Fry? Fry?
Hi, I'm Claudia Schiffer's head.
I recognize you. Didn't you have a body?
Yeah, but it was holding me back.
I just did the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swim Cap Issue.
Well, you're looking great.
- I'd like to lose a few pounds. - Couldn't hurt.
Ah, U.S. presidents.
Sturdy shelves, good security.
This place has class.
Hi, sugar. Legally, nothing I can do counts as sex anymore.
I apologize. He gets this way around meaty-Iooking women.
I remember you. I was gonna vote for you.
But voting isn't cool, so I got trashed on Listerine.
I've never felt voting is essential to the process.
No kidding, Ford.
So the hooker-bot says, "That's not my expansion slot"...
...and my friend says, "That's not my 25-pin connector! "
Bender, thou robots really cracketh me up.
I like it here. What's the rent for a jar?
Sorry, we can't let every Tom, Dick and Harry move in.
No offense, Jefferson, Nixon and Truman.
How about the closet of presidential losers?
Bob Dole needs company. LaRouche won't stop telling jokes.
- Pass. - What hath happened to your body?
- I hocked it. - Why wouldst thou do that?
- Same reason you hocked your teeth. - Ah, booze money.
I remember my body:
Flabby, pasty-skinned, riddled with phlebitis.
A good Republican body. God, I loved it.
I spent my teen years loving my body. Of course, it was tough love...
He opened relations with China. He doesn't care about your ding-dong.
Even if you miss your body, being a head's great too?
No, son. It's a sad and Ionely life.
Great! Now you tell me.
That's my style. Kick them when they're down.
Ones, zeros...
...one, one, zero, zero, one...
- Bender, what is it? - What an awful dream.
Ones and zeros everywhere! And I thought I saw a two.
It was just a dream. There are no twos.
I know what's wrong. My body loved me, and I turned its back on it.
Well, old friend, tie a yellow ribbon round your neck. I'm coming home!
You sold my body! To who?
I can't reveal that. But I'll give you $50 for the kid.
- My clothes are worth 50 bucks. - Deal.
How could I let this happen? I can't go through life like this!
- What about your self-destruct button? - It's on my body!
What am I gonna do?
I can't stand to see a robot cry. Let's watch TV.
And so, ladies and gentlemen, I'm throwing my head into the ring.
I'm announcing my candidacy for the Presidency of Earth!
Sir, the Constitution states...
...nobody can be elected president more than twice.
That's right, no "body. "
But, as you can plainly see, I've got a shiny new body.
Bender, he's got your body!
That double-crossing bastard! How dare he run off with Nixon!
- He must have bought your body. - And that electric guitar.
Remember
What the Doormouse said
Feed your head
I'm meeting you halfway, you stupid hippies.
I am not a crook's head.
Yeah, you are! You stole my body.
Fry, Leela, you gotta help me.
Ordinarily I'd say no, and how it's your fault for being an idiot.
But when a robotic Nixon is loose, we have to take action!
Idiot.
Morbo will introduce the candidates.
Puny human number one.
Puny human number two.
And my good friend, Richard Nixon.
Hello, Morbo. How's the family?
Belligerent and numerous.
Good man. Nixon's pro-war and pro-family.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
First he steals my body, now he's touching my stuff.
We've got to find a way to talk to him.
Morbo demands an answer to the following question:
If you saw candy in the hands of a small child...
...would you seize and eat it?
Unthinkable!
Wouldn't think it!
What about you, Mr. Nixon? You are under a truth-o-scope.
Uh, well, l, uh... . The question is vague.
You don't say what kind of candy, whether anyone is watching... .
I certainly wouldn't harm the child.
You scored big points.
What? They ate me alive out there.
But your body's message was, "Look at my shiny new body. "
You've got real charisma from the neck down.
Nixon with charisma?
My God, I can rule the universe!
Give my body back, you thief!
Look here, you drugged-out communist. I paid for this body...
...and I'd no sooner return it than I would my dog.
Shut up!
Please, we're appealing to your sense of decency.
Seriously, I'm never giving back this body.
Beat it! Or I'll get Cambodian on your asses!
It's hopeless. We might as well turn in my head for the five-cent deposit.
My best friend's not getting recycled!
Not for five cents, not for 500 cents.
- I have a plan. - I have a better plan.
Why would Nixon stay here?
You get a discount if you've been here before.
FRY: Keep going. We're right behind you.
Whoa, mama. Get a room, you two!
MAN: We're in a room! - Then lose some weight!
[SNORING]
Oh, yeah. You women's libbers really know how to party.
Pssst. There I am.
Hey, Betty Friedan, send a little of that lotion my way.
Okay. Almost got it.
Steady. Steady. Don't panic.
Oooh!
Uh-oh.
What the...?
- You shaggy peaceniks have some nerve. - I want what's mine!
- Don't make me kick your neck. - Bring it on, soup can.
Break it up, you two!
That's it! You're going to jail!
And I don't grant pardons like that sissy, Ford.
You won't pardon anyone, because you won't get elected.
The voters aren't pea-brained idiots anymore.
No? Listen here, missy.
Computers may be twice as fast as they were in 1 973...
...but voters are as drunk and stupid as ever!
The only one who's changed is me. I've become bitter and crazy.
Once I'm in office, I'll sell our children's organs to zoos for meat!
I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place!
He lost my vote.
One vote won't make a difference.
Excuse me, while I inch myself over to the phone and call the police.
Not so fast, Nixon! Are you familiar with audio tape?
[TAPE REWINDS]
Uh-oh. I don't like where this is heading.
I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place!
I really sound like that?
I thought I had a Clark Gable quality.
We'll trade you the tape for the body.
Oh, expletive deleted! You've got a deal.
Hey, I've got one last thought.
It's good to be back in one piece again...
...except for these damn bumper stickers.
The sheer drama has driven turnout to its highest level in centuries...
... six percent!
Exit polls show evil underdog Richard Nixon...
... trailing with zero votes.
Yes, the system works!
The time is 7:59, and the robot polls are opening.
The robot vote is in. Nixon has won!
- No! - Get out of town!
Why'd they vote for him, now that he's just a head?
I give you the next president of Earth!
Nixon's back!
[CROWD CHEERS]
I can't believe it. He won by a single vote.
It ain't my fault. I'm a non-voting felon.
It's not my fault. I forgot to vote.
Crud, I knew there was something I meant to do today.
Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president.
May death come quickly to his enemies.
Who's kicking who around now?
Knock knock.
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