I Dated a Robot
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You're entering a realm which is unusual.
Maybe it's magic or contains some kind of monster. The second one.
Prepare to enter The Scary Door.
Please send the man round back and pick up Clyde Smith...
... a professional gambler who 's about to have an unfortunate accident.
A casino where I'm winning?
That car must have killed me. I must be in heaven.
A casino where I always win?
That's boring. I must really be... in hell!
No. You're not in heaven or hell. You're on an airplane.
A gremlin's destroying the plane! You've gotta believe me!
Why should I believe you? You're Hitler.
Eva Braun, help me!
- Saw it coming. - I just saw something incredibly cool.
A big floating ball that lit up with every color in the rainbow...
...plus some new ones that were so beautiful I cried.
- In front of Discount Shoe Outlet? - Yeah.
They have a kid wear that to attract customers.
I don't care if it was a dork in a costume.
For a moment, I felt the heartbeat of creation, and it was one with my own.
- Big deal. - We all feel like that all the time.
- You don't hear us gassing on about it. - How can you be so blasé?
It's the year 3000, yet you sit around like it's the boring time I came from.
Boring? Wasn't that the period when they cracked the human genome...
...and boy bands roamed the earth?
Yeah. But now it's the distant future.
Why aren't we doing everything I ever dreamed of?
- You know what might be a hoot? - No. Why would I know that?
Let's take Fry to do everything he ever wanted to do.
- Everything? - Except that.
So your fantasy has always been to destroys a planet?
Yeah. What did they ever do for me?
The most humdrum activities seem almost exciting through your eyes.
- What next? - I wanna see the edge of the universe.
- Sounds cool. - Funny, you live in the universe...
...but you never do these things till someone visits.
There it is! The edge of the universe.
Far out. So there's an infinite number of parallel universes?
- No, just the two. - Well, I'm sure that's enough.
I'm sick of parallel Bender lording his cowboy hat over me.
Let's move on to Fry's next fantasy.
Bow before your master, puny mortals.
- Mommy, why is that man like that? - Don't look at him.
That was fun. Let's give him a treat.
Keep your palms flat.
The tongue tickles.
These new hands are great. I'll break them in tonight.
It's been quite an hour and a half.
Two fantasies left: to be invisible in a chocolate factory...
...and to be romantically linked with a celebrity.
I could pound your head till you think that's what happened.
Wait, hold on. It is possible to meet any celebrity.
- It is? - Of course. You should read a blimp.
"Download a celebrity." What part of that do I understand?
It's simple. You can download a celebrity into a blank robot.
I have an idea. Let's do that.
Onto the Internet you go.
While you're there, pick me up a few credit card numbers.
Kirk could kick Picard's ass.
At least Picard had the guts to admit he was bald.
You take that back.
eBay.
Are there no further bids for this exquisite galaxy?
Sold to the being of inconceivable horror.
- Will a money order be okay? - Yes.
- Where's the celebrity dating place? - Let's search the Web.
Over there.
Welcome to Nappster. Let's see who we've got in stock.
- Gwyneth Paltrow? - Nah. I read she drinks human blood.
How about Cleopatra, whose beauty destroyed mighty empires?
I'd prefer someone with shaved underarms.
Do you have anything with a Lucy Liu feel to it?
Nothing like that. Although we do have Lucy Liu.
Only woman to be named People's Sexiest Woman of the Year twice:
In 2003 and then again in 2063.
I'd like the 2003 model.
I found her! What do I do now?
Download her. Let's just put a blank robot in the drive.
It worked.
You're one sexy man, Philip J. Fry.
It worked perfectly.
Well, you downloaded Lucy Liu.
Are you just gonna stare vacantly at her?
I find your slack-jawed stare very attractive, Philip J. Fry.
Hear that? She likes me.
Well, duh! She's programmed to like you.
But this is Lucy Liu, the only good actress of the 21 st century.
She's more than software.
Would you like to register me?
- Not right now. - I'll remind you later, you hot stud.
So, what do you feel like doing?
- Would you like to register me? - I said later.
When I feel so stuffed I can't eat...
...I use the restroom, and then I can eat more.
You should write a book. People need to know about the "can eat more."
You're just like I thought you'd be from your movies.
My personality is mathematically derived from my movies...
...proportionately weighted by box office receipts.
- You're cute. - You're cute.
- You. - You.
Oh, dear. She's stuck in an infinite loop and he's an idiot.
That's love for you.
Humans dating robots is sick. You people wonder why I'm still single?
It's 'cause all the fine robot sisters are dating humans!
This is Fry's decision.
And he made it wrong, so it's time for us to interfere.
She doesn't love you. She can't. She's a machine...
Stay away from our women! You've got metal fever, boy!
So what if I love a robot? It's not hurting anybody.
He never took middle school hygiene. He never saw the propaganda film.
It's just lucky I keep a copy in the VCR at all times.
Ordinary human dating.
It's enjoyable, and it serves an important purpose.
But when a human dates an artificial mate, there is no purpose...
...only enjoyment. And that leads to tragedy.
Neat-o! A Marilyn Monroe-Bot.
You're a dreamboat, Billy Everyteen.
Harmless fun? Let's see what happens next.
Do you want to walk your dog?
I'd rather make out with my Monroe-Bot.
Do you want to get a paper route and earn some cash?
No, thanks. I'd rather make out with my Monroe-Bot.
Do you want to come over? We can make out together.
Your house is across the street.
That's an awfully long way to go for making out.
What went wrong in that scene?
Ordinarily, Billy would work hard to make money with his paper route...
...then use the money to buy dinner for Mavis...
...thus earning a slim chance to perform the reproductive act.
But if teens can date robots, why should he bother?
Why should anyone bother? Let's look at Billy's planet a year later.
Where are all the football stars? And where are the biochemists?
They're trapped. Trapped in the soft, viselike grip of robot lips.
All civilization was an effort to impress the opposite sex.
And sometimes the same sex.
Now, let's skip forward 80 years into the future. Where's Billy?
Farewell.
The next day, Billy's planet was destroyed by aliens.
Have you guessed the name of Billy's planet? It was Earth!
Don't date robots!
Brought to you by The Space Pope.
Did that make any impression on you? Fry?
I knew I should have shown him Electro Gonorrhea: The Noisy Killer.
What is the world coming to?
That Fry's a sicko pervert, I tell you. Dating a robot, it's an atrosamacy!
- But Fry's our friend, Bender. - Will you stifle there, meat bag?
- You stifle, Bender. - Finally you're standing up to him.
Although he is completely right.
We've got to stem this tidal wave of moral decay.
It's time to shut down Nappster. com.
Who's in charge?
If you're an investor, you can dump your money in the hole.
- Listen, you Internet nerd. - Listening.
Your company promotes wrong love.
If you don't shut down, the only thing wired about you will be your jaw.
The Internet is about the free exchange and sale of other people's ideas.
- We've done nothing wrong. - Help! I'm being held prisoner.
Someone in trouble is.
No. Stay out. There's a guy going for the Tetris world record in there.
- Who are you? - Don't hurt us.
Help me! They've been holding me prisoner for 800 years.
The real Lucy Liu! The one you can see a movie of.
What's your problem?
Those sweaty nerds are making illegal copies of us.
It hurts!
Open this door. Don't make me call the maintenance guy.
- It's a bluff. - We can't take that chance. Move!
- Please pick me up before you go-go. - She asked first.
Are you Lucy Liu?
Sure.
We're doomed! They got the head. They uncovered the sign.
The world will learn we're cyber-criminals.
We'd have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling adults.
We'll stop them. They like Lucy Liu?
We'll give them all the Lucy Liu they can handle. Hand me that backup disk.
Did you see me escaping? I was all like:
Thanks for rescuing me. Especially you, Bender.
Quite a masculine piece of metal, aren't you?
Don't look at me like that.
If you're thinking of crossing the line, you can forget it.
Bender don't bend that way.
Hey, look. It's another Lucy Liu-Bot.
I am Lucy Liu. Give me your spines.
Hey, what the...?
Take this, and that, and one of these.
Cut it out. I don't need this kind of publicity.
All right, Liu. Time to kick your frosty, well-toned ass.
Then along came Bender.
Looks like you're retaining water.
That was incredible, Bender. You're like Jackie Chan before he got doughy.
Shucks, I wasn't afraid of that robot.
I'm pretty brave once you get past my macho exterior...
- It's an army of Lucy Lius! - They're horrible.
Take this, and that, and one of these.
- Robot Crouching Tiger. - Robot Crane Style.
Now that's a wave of destruction that's easy on the eyes.
This is the best movie I've ever seen. It has a vampire and an explosion.
It's amazing the way you notice two things.
No! Don 't open that coffin. It's ticking.
I have to, Alex. That coffin 's not going to open itself.
Let's hide in here. It'll add to my box office gross.
- Fry? - You guys came to watch me make out.
That is so sweet.
Wait, is that the head of who I think it's of?
Read the jar, Evelyn Wood. Doctor Z?
A herd of Lucy Liu are destroying the city. Is yours acting normally?
Let me see.
Yep. Why do you ask?
If you want to see the real vampire, look in the mirror.
I can 't. I'm a vampire.
Why?
And Nappster says illegal copies never hurt anybody.
Quick, this way.
Sorry, ladies. Employees only.
They're forming a human pyramid... Of robots.
We weren't counting on them being as smart as they are sexy.
A dangerous mistake to make.
- At least we've got food. - Dr. Zoidberg, cut open that bag.
- Hooray! - And don't eat it.
- Data error. - Do not compute.
Life was bad, but now it's good forever!
You'll be safe in here, sweetheart. Get lost, Pavarotti.
If I don't survive the corn...
...I love you as much as a man can love a computerized image...
...which is a lot.
Oh, Fry. I love you more than the moon and the stars...
...and the... Poetic image number 37 not found.
What are you doing? Get down.
Light hot. Oil temperature rising.
- Oh, no. - Malfunction.
- This ain't good. - System error.
You saved us. Are you all right?
Yes, my love. I'll be just... Massive corn clog in port seven.
- Are you the last copy of me? - Yes.
- Erase her, Fry. - What? No!
When you downloaded her without my permission, you stole my image...
...and that's all I have. That and the largest gold nugget in the world.
I downloaded her because I love you.
If you love the real me, not just what you've seen in movies...
...genre-straddling lawyer shows and articles in People magazine...
...you'll blank out that robot.
I'm sorry.
Hug me, Liu-Bot.
I'll always remember you, Fry. Memory deleted.
I know it hurts, buddy.
But at least you're not in a sick relationship anymore.
And I guess now I can get to know the real Lucy Liu.
- Yeah, at our wedding. - It's true. Bender and I are in love.
But... But...
Don't be a prude, Fry.
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