Leela's Homeworld
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Good news, everyone!
You all know the orphanarium where Leela grew up?
Sure, we talk about it all the time.
-Really? -No. Burn!
Well done, fellows!
Anyway, said orphanarium has named Leela "Orphan of the Year! "
[CHEERING]
Your parents must be so proud! Sorry.
And the good news keeps on coming.
Behold my latest invention!
ALL: Whoa.
[BEEPING]
It's a glow-in-the-dark nose you can wear over your regular non-glowing nose.
Observe.
AMY: Whoa! Cool!
BENDER: Now I can punch you in the nose in the dark.
[FARNSWORTH SNEEZES]
Where'd it go?
Hey, professor, what's all this scroop blurking out of the machine?
That? It's nothing. Yes, nothing.
If you think it's anything, you're a suspicious moron.
It looks like toxic waste.
And it smells like toxic waste!
What does it taste like?
Delicious fig pudding! That's good.
But a distinct aftertaste of toxic waste.
All right, all right. So the machine produces a few toxic byproducts.
You don't have to make a federal case of it.
I'm afraid I do.
I order you to dispose of that toxic waste or bribe me.
Either way, it'll cost $500.
Five hundred real dollars? That's an outrage!
Professor, I'll take care of that waste for $499 and 1 00 cents.
I know that's a rip, but I'll pay for the convenience.
-Do you take credit cards? -Let's find out.
All right, environment, you've met your match.
[CHUCKLES]
[WHISTLING]
[SPITTING]
Hey, get back in the sewer, weirdie. No mutants on the surface.
But he ruined my wedding dress!
Honey, that thing was ruined the minute it went on you.
That's what I'm talking about.
It's not easy being an orphan.
Not if I have anything to do with it.
Oh, God.
But today's honoree, Turanga Leela, has really made something of herself.
I'll never forget the night that cute alien baby was abandoned on our doorstep. . .
. . .because I have a photographic memory, and I remember every night.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
[BABY COOING]
VOGEL: What the--?
An alien language? I guess you're an alien.
What a beautiful, gigantic eye you have--
Well, come on in.
From those humble beginnings. . .
. . .Leela went on to become a county-certified starship captain.
And so it is my pleasure today. . .
. . .to nail her picture alongside those of our most distinguished alumni.
Thank you very much.
Like many of you, I never knew my parents.
I don't know if they were mighty alien overlords. . .
. . .or simply underpaid alien janitors who fought crime on the side.
-Picture's up. -It's crooked!
In the end, though, it doesn't matter who my parents were.
All that matters is what I learned here, within these unscalable walls. . .
. . .that I had the strength to make it on my own.
Just like all of you kids here today.
[CHEERING]
Leela! Leela! Leela!
Look at me! I'm Leela!
No! Because I'm double Leela! Whee!
That's it, Albert. No more espresso for you!
Mind if we get a picture of you with your picture?
Yes! I mean, no!
Just make sure you get my nonchalant side.
Whoo!
[LEELA SOBBING]
If those aren't tears of happiness, please stop crying.
It's okay, Fry. I'm fine.
I won an award today.
Is it this room that's making you sad? It's probably the room.
Come on, let's go for a walk.
LEELA: I'm sorry you saw that, Fry.
I usually try to keep my sadness pent up inside. . .
. . .where it can fester quietly as a mental illness.
Yeah, I do that with my stupidness.
I told a whole crowd today that being an orphan made me strong.
But all I really wanted was a mom and dad. . .
. . .to hold me and stroke my hair and tell me they love me.
Then today's your lucky day. . .
. . .because I happen to be a holding, stroking, loving machine.
Also spanking.
That's not even close to what I had in mind.
Well, anyway, just remember that people care about you.
I know.
Sometimes, when I'm lonely. . .
. . .I look up at the sky, and I get this feeling that somewhere. . .
. . .on some unknown planet circling a distant star. . .
. . .my parents are up there looking down on me.
[HUMMING]
Yo, yo, Bazender! What up?
My dumping business is booming.
I just got hired to clean up the set of Free Willy 3!
[GROANING]
Bender, cut it out!
First of all, the sewer mutants will be mad.
Second, everything else that's horribly wrong with what you're doing.
Those stupid mutants can't do anything.
You seem to be forgetting one simple fact.
Namely, I'm up here, and they are safely down--
[SCREAMING]
What did I do to deserve this?!
Behold! Our once beautiful mutagenic sewage lake.
The radioactive waste you dumped in it. . .
. . .has made it bright enough to see how ugly we really are!
Oh, man.
As if our lives weren't miserable enough already.
-Tell me about it. -Let the punishment commence!
-Punishment? -No fair.
Bender's innocent!
The instant you touch these mutateous waters. . .
. . .your DNA will be forever altered. . .
. . .turning you into horrible mutants like us!
-Especially him. -Oh.
Allow me to demonstrate.
[WHIMPERING]
[GROANING]
It's like that time I peeked in the kitchen at lmperial Hunan.
Submerge the prisoners!
[BENDER BABBLING]
Wait. I don't even have DNA. Why am I screaming?
We're gonna beat you afterwards.
[BENDER SCREAMING]
ALL: Mutate! Mutate! Mutate!
MOM: Turanga Leela!
Who said that? How do you know my real name?
[GROANING]
BENDER: Whee!
What are you doing? Stop them!
-What happened? -I don't know.
I think I saved us somehow.
Go after them! The waters can't mutate us mutants!
MUTANT: They went this way.
Quick, in there!
MUTANT: Kill! Kill! Kill!
LEELA: Great Cheech's ghost!
BENDER: What's this junk?
It looks like a timeline of my whole life.
That's when we saved Earth from an asteroid of garbage.
Here's when I dropped out and bummed around lndia for a while.
And this is just last year at Space Mardi gras.
It's like some kind of weird Leela Museum.
-And I'm the Leela! FRY: Dude, over here!
It's all the best stuff I ever flushed down the toilet!
Those are some of my diary pages!
And my screenplay!
And also, for some reason, the letter I wrote you full of my personal feelings.
Oh, I'm scared.
My whole life has just been a show for some perverted mutant!
MUTANT 1 : ln here! MUTANT 2: Capture them!
And then Bender ran.
Leela, freak out later. We're not done escaping yet.
[GROANING]
-Got you. -Take this!
Ow!
This time, I'm calling for the death penalty.
Not just because I'm running for reelection as supreme mutant.
MUTANTS: Four more years! Four more years!
[WHISPERING]
Very well.
Your attention! lnstead of being tortured to death. . .
. . .the prisoners shall hereby be expelled from the sewers. . .
. . .and never allowed to return!
Oh, cruel fate!
Can we really never return to this dank pit of sewage?
Wait a minute. Why aren't you gonna kill us anymore?
Yeah! What are you, chicken?
Shut up, you two. We can kill ourselves when we get home.
They'll need transportation to the surface.
Bring in the airship!
Ew!
We constructed it from the remnants of old discarded Macy's parade balloons.
Underdog's groin, Bart Simpson's left ear and right shin. . .
. . .Garfield's owner John's forehead.
Fire up the sewer gas!
[COUGHING]
Move it, you ugly normals!
Whoa!
[WHIMPERING]
I'm getting dizzy! I can't walk straight!
[HUMMING]
[FRY WHIMPERING]
Come on, Leela. You can do it!
BENDER: Hurry! We're missing our bus!
FRY: Hey, what are you doing?
BENDER: I'm getting on the bus!
Don't worry! I'll be fine!
They know something about me, and I've got to find out what.
The lake didn't mutate me. What is going on here?
It worked for me. I used to be a little blond girl named Virginia.
Ew!
[GASPS]
Who the hell are you?
No one. And watch your language, young lady!
Stop right there! I don't wanna hurt you.
I didn't want you to hurt me either.
Leela's nuts. I can't save her unless I learn more about her past.
Isn't there anything else you can tell me?
Nothing that wouldn't be a waste of your time.
That's impossible, because my time is worthless!
Well, then there is one thing.
It's the note I found with Leela the day she was abandoned.
But it's written in Alien-ese, so no one on Earth can translate it.
Not even Brainzilla.
-Hand it over! -Sure.
I just wish I could be more helpful.
Would you like some dirt on any other orphans?
I'm trying to save someone here. I'll have to come back for those later.
-Can you translate it? -Of course.
But only into Beta-crypt-three. . .
. . .a language so complex, there's even less chance of understanding it.
I didn't ask for a completely reasonable excuse. I asked you to get busy.
Very well.
-Doesn't that machine make noses? -It can do other things. Why shouldn't it?
Of course, even if it is possible to analyze the message. . .
. . .there's no way of knowing how long it will take.
It could take an hour, or it could take 1 00 million years.
[DINGING]
-Is it done? -Certainly not.
Two dings means it's done.
[DINGING]
But not like that. Slightly more rapid.
[DINGING]
[GASPS]
Where did they go?
Good news, Leela! I landed the contract to empty all the spittoons in Little ltaly.
[SCREAMS]
LEELA: Ew!
[SNORING]
[DINGING]
That's it! It's done!
I can't believe it! My mind is boggling!
The analysis of the note is printing out now.
NURSE: It's a girl. -My God! She's beautiful!
No extra anythings.
[MUMBLING]
What people skills!
She's completely perfect.
In my professional opinion, as an ear, ear, ear, nose and throat doctor. . .
. . .she is the least mutated mutant ever born.
And yet, she's cursed to live the horrible degrading life of a mutant. . .
. . .Iike all of us! Especially him!
It's true.
Maybe we can do better for her.
I made this bracelet so that in some small way, we'll always be with you. . .
. . .even when it doesn't seem like it.
During your entire life, for example.
You won't pass for human, cutie.
But if my Ph.D. in exolinguistics is worth diddlypoop. . .
. . .this note should convince them you're an alien.
And that'll be enough to give you a real life.
DAD: She'll never know we're her parents.
That's our gift to her.
Better we should die than have her learn the shameful truth of her origin.
I'm with you.
VOGEL: I guess you're an alien.
What a beautiful, gigantic eye you have--
Well, come on in.
[HOLDING BREATH]
[WATER SPLASHING]
MOM: Keep quiet so she doesn't hear us.
DAD: What's to talk about? -Shh!
LEELA: Hands up!
-Tentacles too! MOM: Don't say anything stupid, Morris.
What is all this?
Am I a game to you?
Or some kind of even more boring Truman Show?
Do you believe I'm your messiah? The mutant Dalai Lama?
Stop me if I guess it!
DAD: Well, actually-- MOM: Morris!
And what about this?
Where'd you get this bracelet?
Did you steal it from me when I was a baby? Or from my parents?
You robbed my parents, didn't you?
I bet you sick mutants killed them!
My parents were confused aliens lost on Earth, and you killed them!
Is that it? Admit it!
Yes. We killed them.
You guessed the truth.
[SCREAMS]
Because of you, I'll never know my parents!
I'll kill you!
That would be best.
FRY: Stop!
Thanks, Bender! Don't do it, Leela!
-They killed my parents! -Close.
-They are my parents. -Yes.
I had the professor analyze the Alien-ese letter that was found with you.
-What does it say? -I don't know.
But the analysis showed it was printed on recycled toilet paper.
A squeezably soft paper used mainly in the sewers.
It says, "Your parents love you very much. "
We still do.
So I'm not an alien? I'm a mutant?
We never wanted you to know.
You deserved a better life.
You must despise us.
You're my parents.
All I've ever wanted is to know you.
This is the happiest moment of my life.
[SOBBING]
Ah.
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