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SHATNER: Shatner's log, airdate unknown.
The impossible has happened.
It would take days to recount the events I've witnessed, so settle in.
It all began--
Quiet, you! This court-martial is now in session.
The honorably sexy Zapp Brannigan residing.
Bring in the accused!
Oh, my.
Philip J. Fry, you stand accused of traveling. . .
. . .to the forbidden planet Omega 3. . .
. . .a crime punishable by 1 2 concurrent death sentences.
Do you understand the charges?
One beep for yes, two beeps for no.
Yes. So noted. Do you plead guilty?
Double yes. Guilty! I will now carry out the sentence. Kif, my gun.
Wait! He pled not guilty!
Order! Order in the court!
Very well then, Mr. Fry. Please recount the events that led you to be guilty.
The professor said he was taking a nap, so we have time for six movies.
Let's take these six Jim Carrey movies and record over them!
You know what six movies average out to be good?
The first six Star Trek movies!
[GASPING]
Everybody hit the deck!
Shh! Those words are forbidden.
What words? Star Trek?
-Shh! -Shut your gills!
[SIREN WAILING]
That sound, it's patrol car 71 8! Hide him!
[BENDER HUMMING]
The court is intrigued.
Perhaps we could hear more about these forbidden words. . .
. . .from someone with a sexily seductive voice.
With pleasure. You see, the show was banned after the Star Trek Wars.
You mean the vast migration of Star Wars fans?
No. That was the Star Wars Trek.
By the 23rd century, Star Trek fandom had evolved. . .
...from a loose association of nerds with skin problems into a full-blown religion.
And Scotty beamed them to the Klingon ship. . .
. . .where they would be no tribble at all.
All power to the engines.
NICHOLS: As countries fell under its influence...
... world leaders were threatened by the movement's power.
And so the Trekkies were executed in the manner most befitting virgins.
He's dead, Jim.
KELLEY: Finally, the sacred texts were banned.
TAKEl: The last copies of the 79 episodes and six movies were dumped...
...on the forbidden world Omega 3...
...along with that blooper reel where the door doesn 't close all the way.
Thus, Star Trek was forever scoured from human memory.
Another classic science-fiction show cancelled before its time.
[TSKS]
I've never heard of such a brutal and shocking injustice. . .
. . .that I cared so little about. Next witness!
Bender the Robot, please take the stand.
She's all yours, buddy.
I'd only met the defendant, Fry, once, but I knew he was up to no good.
Please use the beeps.
Oh.
Mr. Nimoy! I came as soon as I heard what happened centuries ago.
I can't believe your show was banned!
I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.
[BEEPING]
You know, 1 966? 79 episodes, about 30 good ones.
Oh, really! I've done too many things to remember one particular TV series. . .
. . .but if you want to discuss my books of poetry--
Remember that episode where you got high on spores and smacked Kirk around?
No. Perhaps you're thinking of my one-man show. . .
. . .about Vincent van Spock? I mean, van Gogh. Damn!
Aha! You can't escape it!
Oh, you're right, I can't.
[SOBBING]
Uh. . . . Jeez, don't get upset.
I mean, okay, I outwitted you, but--
No, it's my fellow cast members. 300 years ago, they left Earth behind.
This planet doesn't appreciate us anymore, Leonard.
Bill, you are and always shall be my friend.
But I just signed a six-month lease on my apartment.
I can't walk away from a commitment like that.
Farewell, my friend.
Oh.
[SOBBING]
Why did the world turn its back on our obvious greatness?
I'm literally angry with rage!
Your co-stars may be gone, but we can still get those episode tapes back. . .
-. . .for the whole world to see! Come on! NIMOY: Oh.
Yes! Front row!
You can't go to Omega 3. It's forbidden. I forbid you!
We have to! The world needs Star Trek to give people hope for the future.
But it's set 800 years in the past.
Yeah! Why is this so important to you?
'Cause it taught me so much.
Like how you should accept people, whether they be black, white. . .
. . .Klingon, or even female.
But most importantly, when I didn't have any friends. . .
. . .it made me feel like maybe I did.
Well, that is touchingly pathetic. I guess I can't let you go alone.
I'll go too. With Leonard's permission, of course.
We're entering the Omega System.
SPEAKER VOICE: Warning. You are now in forbidden space.
Forbidden, schmur-schmidden.
What are they gonna do, write a letter? I'm so scared!
I've lost control of the ship!
[SCREAMING]
Oh, dip!
Dip, indeed.
FRY: It's all stuff from that forbidden show.
So many cardboard sets, so many memories. If only the others--
SHATNER: I guess that's my cue.
-Bill! -L-dog!
-Hey! This is wonderful! -Oh, man!
-I feel like hugging you. -Well, I would, except you have no body.
And we're both men.
NIMOY: Nichelle! George! Walter!
-DeForest! Welshie! -Welshie?
We did some musical reunion specials in the 2200s.
But the guy who played Scotty had trouble yodeling.
Ever since then, Welshie has been a welcome participant in our escapades.
[GARBLING]
I can't believe it! How'd you all end up here?
We were going to Welshie's cousin's house to stay in the guest room. . .
. . .when our ship was pulled down to this planet and crashed, just like yours.
-When we woke up, we had bodies. -Say it in Russian.
Ven vee voke up, vee had these wah-dies.
-Now say "nuclear wessels" ! -No!
We love it here. Everything is provided for us and we never age.
Check out these abs.
-Yowsa! -But who's doing all this for you?
You know, we never thought about it.
We're famous, we're used to this sort of treatment.
MELLLVAR: It is l!
Whoa! What a cheesy effect!
MELLLVAR: I'm not an effect!
-You doubt my power? -I do!
Aye!
[MELLLVAR LAUGHING]
Welshie!
This court will now hear some very sensual testimony. . .
. . .from this court's ex-lover, Turanga Leela.
Go * * * * yourself.
Behold, another power! Different from the one you saw earlier.
Hey! A body! Buff, tan. Yeah, this is mine, all right.
All right, you gas, what's the deal?
Centuries ago, the videotaped adventures of the Enterprise crew. . .
. . .rained down upon my planet.
Over and over, I watched them.
Especially the five with the energy beings.
I am MeIllvar, Seer of the Tapes! Knower of the Episodes!
Tremble before my encyclopedic knowledge of Star Trek!
Tremble? I laugh. Nobody knows more about Star Trek than me!
I beg to differ!
Long have I waited for the one who played Spock. At last, we can begin.
Cool! A Star Trek convention!
MeIllvar, can you give us some idea how long this is going to last?
Until time stops.
ALL: What? -You can't do this!
Now, we have a full schedule of events.
-Can people who hate Star Trek leave? -Good question.
-No, you have to stay even longer! -Oh!
[SNORING]
Sign it to MeIllvar. MeIllvar has three L's.
I think I've done enough conventions to know how to spell MeIllvar.
-Say "nerd" ! ALL: Nerd!
I'm Slim Shady. Yes, I'm the real Shady.
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating.
So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up?
Please stand up? Please stand up?
How can you do a spoken word version of a rap song?
He found a way.
For 1 00 quatloos, who did the captain maroon on Ceti Alpha V?
Khan!
-Uh, Khan? -Correct!
My button has broken! The trivia contest has ended.
I now have a surprise.
You will perform a fan script written by the ultimate Trek fan!
You have my fan script?
I meant me! MeIllvar's the ultimate fan!
Oh, I was confused because the scoreboard says something different.
Trivia contest over! Take your scripts! We have limited rehearsal time.
Now, I didn't make enough copies of the script. . .
. . .so George and Walter will have to share.
You probably don't want us to see you rehearsing, or it'll give away the ending.
That's right! The ending must not be ruined!
-We'll go wait in the ship. -Okay.
Not till I get my 600 quatloos!
This is wrong. We shouldn't have abandoned them there.
I'm feeling pretty good about it.
I didn't want to leave them either, but what were we supposed to do?
Usually on the show, someone would come up with a complicated plan. . .
. . .then explain it with a simple analogy.
Hmm. If we can re-route engine power through the primary weapons. . .
. . .and reconfigure them to MeIllvar's frequency. . .
. . .that should overload his electro-quantum structure.
Like putting too much air in a balloon!
Of course! It's so simple!
Alas, my ship, whom I love like a woman, is disabled.
Oh, Lord.
Fascinating, captain, and logical too. Yet, we need some help.
Look, captain! MeIllvar will help us.
Captain, I wope he will welp our vessel.
Wessel!
You're not acting hard enough!
MeIllvar, you have to respect your actors.
When I directed Star Trek IV, I got a magnificent performance. . .
. . .out of Bill because I respected him.
And when I directed Star Trek V, I got a magnificent performance out of me. . .
. . .because I respected me so much!
Okay! I'm done re-ca-foobelling the energy motron, or whatever!
Fire!
My, what a handsome energy creature you are! I love you.
[MELLLVAR SCREAMING]
Hey, you wrote it!
[FRY SCREAMS]
It's not working! He's drawing strength from our weapons!
Like a balloon, and something bad happens!
[MELLLVAR SCREAMS]
[SCREAMING]
BENDER: Yep.
So how's rehearsal going?
Lousy. Here I've been admiring a bunch of actors while you. . .
. . .a crew of genuine space heroes, risked your lives to save them.
Hey, we've done heroic things too.
Yeah! ln the third season, I kissed Shatner.
Silence! My whole world has turned upside down. I have but one option.
-Keep them and let us go? -No!
To determine who is more worthy of my fanatical devotion. . .
. . .I shall pit you against each other in armed combat. . .
. . .to the death!
Where'd you get an idiotic idea like that?
Episodes 1 9, 46, 56 and 77.
Great list, except you forgot episode 66!
[CHUCKLING]
I was getting to that one!
[MELLLVAR SCREAMS]
So MeIllvar ordered a battle to the death. I assume no one survived.
[SIGHS]
Can we get on with this? My foot's getting tired.
This will be your standard battle to the death.
The only weapons, whatever you can find.
But I warn you, do nothing until I have signaled the start of combat.
Okay, start.
[GASPING]
I don't have much experience at fighting, except with you guys.
I have an idea. Wasn't there an episode where I threw my shoe at the enemy?
You mean Doohan?
Whoever it was, I did it like this.
-Ow! -My foot's cold.
There, we can make these into spears.
We can tie caterpillars together to make bowstrings for bows and arrows.
And we can use this machine gun to shoot them!
Yee-haa!
[CLICKING]
Ha-ha. That was fun.
What if I distract them with my famous fan dance?
That's good, good. And then, George, you give them a karate chop.
I find that offensive.
Just because I'm of Japanese ancestry, you assume I know karate.
Have I ever led you to believe I have studied karate?
Well, no. But you never talk about yourself.
Maybe if you showed a little interest.
Well, here goes nothing.
[SCREAMING]
Hello, boys.
Oh!
Hi-ya!
[BENDER SCREAMS]
-There's no right way to hit a woman. -Then do it the wrong way.
Fine.
[SCREAMS]
Is that all you got?
Ow!
-Come on, Walter! -Take that!
That hurts!
Let's see if this actually works. Hmm.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
My face!
Ow! My face too!
May l?
MELLLVAR: Excellent, excellent.
Leela, please. This is exactly what MeIllvar wants.
We're just pawns in his diabolical game of checkers.
Can't we resolve our differences some other way?
MOTHER: MeIllvar! Dinnertime!
But, Mom, I'm playing with my collectibles!
-Now! -Uh. . . .
All this time we thought he was a powerful super being. . .
. . .yet he was just a child.
He's not a child! He's 34!
All right, Koenig! I've wanted to do this for years!
Bender, wait! This is our chance to escape before MeIllvar comes back!
But we all need to work together.
I love you so much.
NIMOY: Hello?
-We've decided to work together. -So did they.
Now, how do we escape?
We can't use our ship. We have life support, but the engines are wrecked.
Ironic, because our engines work, but our life-support systems don't.
Hey, if your engines work. . . .
And your life-support systems work. . . .
Stop! You're just going around in circles!
Think, Fry, think. Everyone's depending on you.
We're too heavy! You guys need to lose some weight, fast!
Look, Leonard, we're light enough to keep the tapes! lsn't that great?
I'm living in a gefilte-fish jar.
We did it!
[CHEERING]
[MELLLVAR CHUCKLING]
[SCREAMING]
MeIllvar's got a spaceship!
Yes! ln mint condition, and you made me take it out of the package!
The Nimbus! We're saved!
You're under arrest! Prepare to be boarded.
So I boarded you, huh? What happened next?
You started this stupid court-martial!
If you don't mind, we're still fighting MeIllvar.
One more hit and we're done for!
Let's take him out with us. Do you have a self-destruct code?
Like destruct sequence 1 -A, 2-B, 3--
Thanks a lot, Takei. Now everybody knows!
If I can 't have the original cast of Star Trek, no one will. Prepare to die!
Wait! lf they mean that much to you, why would you kill them?
Because l.... I....
I don 't know what I'd do without them.
MeIllvar, you can't let a TV show be your whole life.
You can do anything you want.
Look at Walter Koenig. After Star Trek, he became an actor.
Not just an actor, but a well-rounded person. . .
. . .with my own friends and credit cards and keys.
Well, I guess I could move out of my parent's basement...
...maybe get a temp job.
Whoa. Whoa! One step at a time.
I thank you, Fry. You know, you and I are of a kind.
In a different reality, I could have called you "friend. "
Episode 1 0: "Balance of Terror. "
More like episode nine, loser!
In your face! Victory is mine!
[MELLLVAR LAUGHING]
I wonder, my friends, was he really such an evil energy gas?
He did give us eternal youth.
24-hour Laundromat.
A full assortment of rum, both spiced and regular.
Truly, it was a paradise.
And all you had to put up with was one really annoying Star Trek fan.
Let's get the hell out of here.
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