Jurassic Bark
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For my next trick, notice I have nothing up my sleeves. . .
. . .and nothing in my head.
So if my lovely assistant will kindly supply me. . .
. . .with an ordinary, non-fake pitcher of milk.
Behold! The milk has vanished!
Exiled, perhaps, to another dimension!
Amazing! That's why they call you Bender the Magnificent.
No, it isn't.
They discovered an intact 20th-century pizzeria, like the one I used to work at!
Interesting. No, wait, the other thing. Tedious.
Let's check it out. You can see how I lived before I met you.
-You lived before you met me? -Sure. Lots of people did.
Really.
Truly, they were as gods who built this place.
Next, we come to the splendidly preserved wooden pizza paddle.
Scientists theorize it was used to gently discipline the delivery boy.
FRY: Wait a second. This is Panucci's!
I used to work in this exact pizzeria.
And for your information, lady, this was not just used to paddle my butt.
It was also used to move pizzas and crush rats.
I don't know where you get your facts, sir. . .
. . .but I am a volunteer housewife with 45 minutes of orientation. . .
. . .and a Harlequin romance about archeologists.
Don't wave your fancy degrees at me.
I recognize all this stuff.
Petrified sausages, old Mr. Vitelli, and that's--
[SCREAMS]
MAN: Yes? -Pizza delivery for Mr. Seymour Asses?
MAN: There's no one by that name here or anywhere.
I hope that in time you'll realize what an idiot you've been.
I wouldn't count on that.
[WHIMPERING]
Poor little guy. You look like you haven't eaten in a month.
Here. But if Mr. Panucci asks, your name is Seymour Asses.
I like you, Seymour.
You're not constantly judging me, like all the other dogs.
Are you?
We understand each other.
People think you're just a mutt who smells bad. . .
. . .can't find a girlfriend and has a crummy job.
But you're keeping it real and you call no man "Mister. "
Well, goodbye. Live long and prosper.
[WHIMPERS]
[BARKING]
That's the least appetizing calzone I've ever seen.
No! That's my dog in there! It's an outrage, I say.
BENDER: Ow! Ow!
I'm taking him home and I'd like to see anyone try and stop me.
Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh! Ah!
And then he was ejected by the guards.
Needless to say, I was mortified.
Well, it's not right to make my dead pet an exhibit.
That's like digging up Lassie and putting her in the Louvre.
Lassie is on display in the Louvre.
I know. I was deliberately describing a similar situation.
Why don't you try protesting, like those native Martians.
Always whining that people don't treat their ancestors' bones with respect.
[SLURPING]
Protesting never works.
You're right. I'll give it a shot!
ALL: What do you want? -Fry's dog!
-When do you want it? -Fry's dog!
Yeah!
I will now perform my people's native dance.
["THE HUSTLE" PLAYS]
It says here that this part of The Hustle. . .
. . .implores the gods to grant a favor, usually a Trans Am.
[SINGS "WALKING ON SUNSHINE"]
[BARKING "WALKING ON SUNSHINE"]
[SINGING]
Thattaboy, Seymour. Right here waiting for me as always.
Just like that huge mushroom in my shower.
Hey, there's our little mascot.
You been swimming in the sewer again? You rascal.
-Fry, cleanup! -Seymour, cleanup!
-Good dog. -That's a good Seymour.
There's dog fur on my slice!
No, that's vermicelli. No fur in here.
[BARKING]
FRY: He's so cute.
He can do two things at one time: eat and swim.
Three things!
[MUSIC FADES]
Fry, it's been three days. You can't keep boogying like this.
You'll come down with a fever of some sort.
I'm Dr. Ben Beeler, the paleontologist who discovered your dog.
Or as some call it, the Beelersaurus.
So do I get Seymour back? Are you caving to political pressure?
No. We're sorry, but there's just too much. . .
. . .that fossil can teach us about dogs from your time.
His name was Seymour.
He was once intimate with the leg of a wandering saxophonist.
He had wet dog smell, even when dry.
And he was not above chasing the number 29 bus.
The 29? lnteresting.
-That's all I needed, right? -I'm good.
Okay, then. Here's your dog back.
Seymour!
Lady and gentleman. . .
. . .how about a hand for my temporary replacement assistant?
I was all in this part! It's magic!
You're not fit to wear Fry's leotard!
ZOIDBERG: Stop!
-Good news, everyone! -Hurray, he's back!
And he's looking for a garbage can to put the rock in. Here you go, buddy.
No. Actually, we've discovered that Fry's dog was fast-fossilized. . .
. . .preserving its cellular structure.
Which means we can clone it! Seymour will live again!
A little land mammal.
Can you believe it, Bender? I'm gonna have my best friend back!
[SOBBING]
Why the idiot convention?
Cubert, my precious babe.
I'm going to attempt to clone Fry's dog. . .
. . .using the very same apparatus I used to clone you.
Look! There's a smidge of toe still in here.
You see, beneath the fossil's crunchy mineral shell. . .
. . .there's still a creamy core of dog nougat.
So will Seymour remember how to sing "Walking on Sunshine"?
Amazingly, yes.
In cases of rapid fossilization, I can press this brain scan button. . .
. . .retrieving Seymour's memories at the precise instant of doggy death.
I'm gonna get my puppy back! ln your face, Grim Reaper!
Crappy, ineffective reaper.
I just need to reset the Clone-O-Mat from human mode to dog mode.
COMPUTER: The dog says:
[MOOING]
Oh-oh. This may take a while.
[VIDEO GAME PLAYING]
You stink, loser!
Hey, Fry, pizza going out.
Come on!
But I'm celebrating New Year's Eve.
Like you got squat to celebrate.
You're a delivery boy this millennium. . .
. . .and you'll be a delivery boy next millennium.
[GROWLS AND WHIMPERS]
What's with Seymour? It's like he don't want you to go.
Or he thinks your pants is too short.
Which is crazy, because frankly, you look fabulous. Now get going!
[WHIMPERING]
I won't be gone long, Seymour. Just wait here till I come back.
[WHIMPERING]
Hello? Pizza delivery for. . .
. . . "I.C. Wiener"? Oh, crud.
Here's to another lousy millennium.
ALL: Five, four, three, two. . . .
[SCREAMS]
What the--?
A dog collar, for me? You shouldn't have.
-That's for Seymour. -Oh.
[SQUEAKING]
A subscription to the Daily Growl?
That's not a reputable journal of opinion.
That's for Seymour. I'm getting everything ready for when he's cloned.
Are you on the junk, Fry?
Why waste time on a creature of inferior intelligence?
-Hey, he was smart. He could fetch. -I can fetch!
-He could dig up bones. -Hello? Charlemagne?
Plus, I bet he couldn't create a laser show with his head.
[MUSIC PLAYS]
Look, Bender, this has nothing to do with you.
That's impossible!
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm working on Seymour's doghouse.
No one ever asked if Bender would like to live in a tiny little house.
Not that I would.
A tiny little house that says "Bender" on it.
BENDER: Ow!
FRY: This is Fry. If you're calling about the used towels for sale...
... they're still available for $45 each.
Phil, it's your father. Where are you?
You're holding up New Year's brunch.
Your brother can't wait any longer.
Hello, first bologna of the new millennium.
[BARKING]
Here he comes. That's him and Seymour.
[BARKING]
Well, that's weird. Seymour's here, but--
Go! Go! Touchdown! But where's Philip?
I'm telling you, the Y2K computers got him.
We'll face burning roads, rivers exploding. . .
. . .calculators transformed into Scud missiles.
There's nothing we can do.
[BARKS "WALKING ON SUNSHINE"]
What's that, Seymour? You walking on sunshine?
[WHIMPERING]
He's trying to tell us something. Maybe he can lead us to Philip!
-Should we follow him? -To our deaths? Negatory.
It's the Y2K trying to lure us into an ambush.
And I ain't buying it. Pass the bologna.
Are you gonna be done soon?
Sorry, but we need to practice hand-to-hand combat. . .
. . .in case an enemy knocks the laser guns out of our hands. . .
. . .and they slide way across the room.
Could you do it someplace else? I'm setting up Seymour's dog bed.
-Okay. -Ow!
[BENDER WHISTLING]
Heel, boy! Heel!
Oh, hello, Fry. I guess I didn't notice you there.
I'm having such fun with my new best friend, Robo-Puppy.
That's nice.
I was just out walking him. Yes, you can walk him.
Of course, after he goes, you have to refill the canisters.
Come here, boy! Pet, pet, pet.
ROBO-PUPPY: Robo-Puppy receiving petting.
Bender, are you jealous of Fry's puppy?
That's so adorable!
Jealous? Not when I have the love of Robo-Puppy here.
Robo-Puppy, lick my cheek.
Robo-Puppy preparing to lick cheek.
Robo-Puppy commencing cheek licking.
Licking in progress. Licking complete.
Robo-Puppy truly is robot's best friend.
There. Perfect.
[MUSIC PLAYS]
Good news, everyone! The Clone-O-Mat is ready!
[CHEERING]
Finally!
Robo-Puppy commencing two-hour yipping session.
[YIPPING]
Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert! Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert!
Behold once more, the mighty Clone-O-Mat!
Requiring such vast amounts of electricity. . .
. . .that we must harness the elemental power of nature itself!
ALL: Wow.
I speak, of course, of molten lava deep within the Earth's core.
To the subbasement!
[GRUNTING]
[SCREAMING]
Powering up Clone-O-Mat!
Placing fossil on the Plat-Clone-O-Form.
Initiating dog brain CAT scan!
Come on, boy. Come back to life.
Know ye now what feels like to be dog god!
Commencing DNA extraction.
Fry, come on! The talent show.
What? I'm in the middle of something.
But if we don't perform, in what sense do we have an act?
Bender, enough. Leave me alone!
So that's how it is? I thought you were my friend.
But if you love your dog so much, maybe you'd rather play fetch!
No!
[SCREAMS]
[LAUGHING]
Now I'm all you got!
I hate you! I hate you!
You evil, metal man! Ow!
So anyway, your dog is melted. Now we're friends again.
Not necessarily. For the dog may yet survive.
May yet? Really?
Indeed. You see, that fossil was made of dolomite. . .
. . .the tough, black mineral that won't cop out when there's heat all about.
By contrast, observe the lava's affect on this ice swan.
Of course, that would've melted even at room temperature.
I just wanted to get rid of it.
But had it been made of that righteous mineral dolomite. . .
. . .there's a slim chance it might have survived.
So Seymour might still exist?
Perhaps, for a few minutes. It's dolomite, baby!
Then I'm going in after him!
ALL: No! -He'd come after me!
[DOOR SQUEAKS]
Acting like a moron won't bring your dog back.
Then all hope is lost!
Goodbye, Seymour.
[SOBBING]
Please stop crying, Fry.
Here.
I assumed you were just pretending to love the dog. . .
. . .to toy with my emotions.
-What have I done? -You didn't do anything.
Don't beat yourself up.
Fry, I'm sorry.
I should have understood how someone can love an inferior creature. . .
. . .because I love you.
Not in the way of the ancient Greeks, but the way a robot loves a human. . .
. . .a human loves a dog, and occasionally, a gorilla loves a kitty.
I'm going in!
I'm a professor! Why isn't anyone listening to me?
You can't go in because you'll melt!
The fossil only has a chance because it's made of dolomite.
I'm 40 percent dolomite!
BENDER: Oh, it's hot. Oh, it's very hot!
[BARKING]
I am one hung-over cryogenicist.
Throw that mutt in the freezer till his owners come.
You can't solve all your problems by freezing them.
I think you're forgetting our motto.
Are you the cryogenicist who called about our son's dog?
You must be the Frys. Yeah, he's right over there.
Sorry we're late. We all got sick from eating bad bologna.
Y2K.
What's he so worked up about?
He's just upset because our boy's missing.
Come on, you overgrown rat! Lead us to Philip.
[WHIMPERING]
Bender's been down there too long!
-I'm going in after him! -Professor! Lava! Hot!
This is all my fault.
I let my best friend risk his life just to get my dead dog back.
-Bender! -And that is why they call me. . .
. . .Bender the Magnificent!
Hey, where'd everybody go?
Okay, let's clone us some dog.
-Yeah! -Very well.
Let this abomination unto the Lord begin!
Interesting. It seems Seymour died at the ripe old age of 1 5.
Fifteen? You mean he lived for 1 2 more years after I got frozen?
Indeed.
Stop the cloning.
Oh, sure. Smash the smart guy's machine.
-Fry, what's wrong? -Think about it.
Seymour lived a full life after I was gone.
He probably even added new songs to his repertoire.
But that's a good thing. "Walking on Sunshine" sucks noodles.
I had Seymour till he was 3.
That's when I knew him and that's when I loved him.
I'll never forget him.
But he forgot me a long, long time ago.
["I WILL WAIT FOR YOU" PLAYS]
MAN: Ow!
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