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Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch

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[HUMS]

4
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Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

5
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Whoa! Ow!

6
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Schman! The great rad spot
is mega-sweet for party boarding.

7
00:00:43,973 --> 00:00:46,646
-Indeed.
-Any calls while I was out?

8
00:00:46,853 --> 00:00:51,210
Yeah. You got a telesonic transmission
from Kif a couple hours ago.

9
00:00:51,693 --> 00:00:54,082
My Kify called?

10
00:00:55,573 --> 00:00:57,689
-Kif?
-Oh, Amy, you're back.

11
00:00:57,853 --> 00:01:00,128
Another hour and I would've
thought of hanging up.

12
00:01:00,333 --> 00:01:02,210
Why didn't you leave a message,
sweetie?

13
00:01:02,413 --> 00:01:05,450
I've left hundreds of messages
with your answering machine...

14
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-...but you never seem to get them.
-Bender!

15
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It's not my fault if you don't check me.

16
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[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

17
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Messages erased.

18
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Oh, dearest, this long-distance
relationship is too much to bear.

19
00:01:19,973 --> 00:01:23,204
When even an inch separates us,
I quiver with misery.

20
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So you can imagine how I feel
when it's a billion light years.

21
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Kif, don 't cry,
or you'll get a tummy ache.

22
00:01:32,773 --> 00:01:35,890
Lieutenant, some things came off me
and clogged the drain, so if you can--

23
00:01:36,053 --> 00:01:38,248
Oh-ho. What's this?

24
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Well, well, well. Do my eyes believe me,
or is that my bosomy swan, Leela?

25
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Say again? You're breaking up.

26
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Oh. . . .

27
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Good news, everyone.

28
00:01:52,493 --> 00:01:56,930
You'll be delivering pain medicine
to the hive mind of Nigel 7.

29
00:01:58,533 --> 00:02:00,842
Scruffy's rolling out a large pill.

30
00:02:01,053 --> 00:02:04,090
You're going to Nigel 7?
Kif's on patrol near there.

31
00:02:04,253 --> 00:02:07,006
-You could drop me off on the way.
-We could, but we won't!

32
00:02:07,173 --> 00:02:10,165
It's a spaceship, damn it,
not a prom limousine!

33
00:02:10,333 --> 00:02:15,361
Ooh! lf anyone needs me,
I'll be in the angry dome.

34
00:02:23,853 --> 00:02:25,286
This is a very long trip.

35
00:02:25,453 --> 00:02:29,526
So we'll all have to go
into hibernative naptosis to save oxygen.

36
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I don't even breathe oxygen.

37
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[SNORING]

38
00:02:57,253 --> 00:02:58,686
Here I come, Kif.

39
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[AMY LAUGHING]

40
00:03:07,853 --> 00:03:09,684
They jumped right out of their pants.

41
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[ALARM WAILS]

42
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Oh, what now? Activate glass window.

43
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Kif, I'm sensing a very sensual
disturbance in the Force.

44
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-Prepare for ship-to-ship intimacy.
-Yes, sir, captain.

45
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[CLANGING]

46
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How about I help you finish that dream
you were having about me?

47
00:03:47,973 --> 00:03:50,123
Okay. I was just at this part:

48
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[LEELA YELLS]

49
00:03:53,693 --> 00:03:56,844
Let's try that a little lower
and lots softer.

50
00:03:57,173 --> 00:04:01,007
Imagine you stowing away
and stealing a licensed starship.

51
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Oh, it's so romantic
it gives me the shivers.

52
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I don't care how much trouble I get in.

53
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I needed to feel my lips
pressed against your lip-less beak.

54
00:04:11,973 --> 00:04:15,682
Oh, Amy, I can't stand
having a whole universe between us.

55
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I've been thinking a lot about this,
and-- Well, would you move in with me?

56
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Here? But, wouldn't it be crowded?

57
00:04:24,653 --> 00:04:27,167
Oh, no, no. It's really twice the size.

58
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You can use the floor
and I'll have the ceiling. See?

59
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Kif, you have so much creativity
and niceness.

60
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-But I'm not sure if l--
-Hush.

61
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Before you answer, come thither.

62
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This is the Holo-Shed.
It can simulate anything you desire.

63
00:04:48,813 --> 00:04:51,532
And nothing can hurt you,
except when it malfunctions. . .

64
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. . .and the holograms become real.

65
00:04:53,493 --> 00:04:55,449
Well, that probably won't happen
this time.

66
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I wanted to show you what life
could be like if we were together.

67
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Computer, run program Kif One.

68
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[BEEPING]

69
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This is so beautiful!

70
00:05:08,533 --> 00:05:11,331
Spirit! Kif,
that's the pony I always wanted. . .

71
00:05:11,493 --> 00:05:13,882
. . .but my parents said
I had too many ponies already.

72
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Yes. I programmed it in for you.
Four million lines of BASIC.

73
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And if this isn't the life you want,
how about this?

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Run program Kif Two.

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[BEEPING]

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AMY:
Oh, Kif.

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We could live here at the shore
of the Tranquilibrius Sea, in a time-share.

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And I would pluck the moon
from the sky just to see you smile.

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Almost got it.

80
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Seems to be sort of stuck.

81
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I love you!

82
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[COUGHING]

83
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Run program Kif-colon-
slash-slash-three!

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[BEEPING]

85
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This isn't bad.
My aunt had a place like this.

86
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Amy, we could live
in a bus station bathroom for all I care.

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As long as we're together,
it'll feel like a castle to me.

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Kif, I'd love to live with you.
Someday.

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But before then, there's still lots
I want to do on my own.

90
00:06:18,613 --> 00:06:20,251
-What was that?
-Oh, dear.

91
00:06:20,413 --> 00:06:22,722
I fear the Holo-Shed might be
broken again.

92
00:06:22,893 --> 00:06:25,885
Well, as long as we don't cross paths
with Attila the--

93
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[KIF GROANS]

94
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Look! Spirit!

95
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KIF:
And there's Professor Moriarty.

96
00:06:34,493 --> 00:06:35,812
Jack the Ripper!

97
00:06:36,013 --> 00:06:37,605
Evil Lincoln!

98
00:06:39,293 --> 00:06:42,091
Right-o, gents.
It's another simulation gone mad.

99
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So murder and mayhem,
standard procedure.

100
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[YELLING]

101
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Real holographic-simulated
Evil Lincoln is back!

102
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[ALARM WAILING]

103
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The Holo-Shed's on the fritz again.
The characters turned real!

104
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Damn! The last time that happened,
I got slapped with three paternity suits.

105
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-Oh, my God!
-Listen up, history's greatest villains.

106
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Get back into the Holo-Shed
before I start blasting.

107
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Stop!
No shoot fire-stick in space canoe!

108
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Cause explosive decompression!

109
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Spare me your space-age techno-babble,
Attila the Hun.

110
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[YELLING]

111
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BENDER:
Oh. . . .

112
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BENDER:
Hey!

113
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[YELLING]

114
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-Kif, hold on!
-I totally want to!

115
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-Grab on!
-Over here!

116
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Please, hold me!

117
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Have a good one.

118
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[KIF YELLING]

119
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-Oh, man!
-Whew.

120
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After all that,
I could use some relaxation.

121
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I'll be in the Holo-Shed.

122
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[SCANNER HUMMING]

123
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Well, except for a few broken bones,
some internal hemorrhaging. . .

124
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. . .and a partially barfed up heart,
everyone appears fine.

125
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Phew.

126
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Oh, and Kif is pregnant.

127
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[GASPING]

128
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Oh, joy!

129
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Amy, isn't it wonderful? I'm pregnant.

130
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Yes, it's great. A great miracle.

131
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And not one of those bogus
everyday miracles, like a sunrise.

132
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-Aren't you a male?
-Yeah, what's the deal?

133
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Just when I thought I'd figured out you
biological creatures, it's something else!

134
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Let me at him! Get over here, Kif!
You're--

135
00:09:02,893 --> 00:09:06,602
Look, I'm sure we're all a little unclear
on how anyone gets pregnant.

136
00:09:06,773 --> 00:09:11,449
So, Kif, pray explain, and don't spare
the dirty words where appropriate.

137
00:09:11,653 --> 00:09:13,405
Well, it's quite simple really.

138
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When one of my species
experiences deep feelings of love. . .

139
00:09:16,813 --> 00:09:19,646
. . .we enter a so-called "receptive state. "

140
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You disgust me. Go on.

141
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At that point, our skin
becomes a semipermeable membrane. . .

142
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. . .which allows the passage
of genetic material.

143
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I held Amy's hand, and voilà!

144
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Well, okay.
But that better be all there is.

145
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Oh, Amy, you'll be a mother!

146
00:09:43,573 --> 00:09:48,408
What a wondrous affirmation of our love.
And all from the touch of your hand.

147
00:09:48,653 --> 00:09:51,326
Dude, hold up. Remember
when Zapp blew a hole in the ship?

148
00:09:51,493 --> 00:09:53,848
-Indeed.
FRY: Kif touched everybody there.

149
00:09:54,053 --> 00:09:56,772
-Couldn't any one of us be the mother?
-Hey, yeah!

150
00:09:56,933 --> 00:09:58,571
I mean, what about that, Kif?

151
00:09:58,733 --> 00:10:01,372
Well, I suppose I might have
gotten pregnant that way.

152
00:10:01,533 --> 00:10:03,251
Or even from a toilet seat.

153
00:10:03,413 --> 00:10:06,962
Though, that's impossible,
since I have a private washroom.

154
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[TOILET FLUSHES]

155
00:10:08,333 --> 00:10:09,846
My home away from home.

156
00:10:10,053 --> 00:10:14,205
By the way, Kif, your flush
seems to be set on stun, not kill.

157
00:10:14,693 --> 00:10:16,843
[SHUDDERS AND GROANS]

158
00:10:17,653 --> 00:10:21,202
Look, Kif, I probably am the mother.
Although maybe I'm not.

159
00:10:21,373 --> 00:10:25,969
Of course, I hope I am, but just in case
I'm not, maybe we should have a test.

160
00:10:26,173 --> 00:10:28,926
A test! I demand a test!

161
00:10:32,893 --> 00:10:38,013
Even I laughed at me when I built
this alien cross-species genetic analyzer.

162
00:10:38,213 --> 00:10:40,249
But I guess I showed myself.

163
00:10:40,493 --> 00:10:43,291
Subjects, please enter the chamber.

164
00:10:48,053 --> 00:10:51,682
Now to take a DNA sample.

165
00:10:58,773 --> 00:11:03,528
When I pull this switch, the materni-fuge
will spin at 1 0,000 rpm. . .

166
00:11:03,693 --> 00:11:06,924
. . .separating out everyone who isn't
the mother--

167
00:11:07,093 --> 00:11:10,051
Father-- Whatever.

168
00:11:10,693 --> 00:11:13,127
[YELLING]

169
00:11:16,133 --> 00:11:17,407
Faster! Faster!

170
00:11:26,173 --> 00:11:30,485
Good! Fry's ejection indicates
that he is not the man mama.

171
00:11:34,013 --> 00:11:37,289
-Nor is Captain Brannigan.
-Oh, thank you, merciful God.

172
00:11:39,493 --> 00:11:43,008
Zoidberg? What the hell
were you doing in there?

173
00:11:43,213 --> 00:11:46,205
That's where I live. I have no home.

174
00:11:50,653 --> 00:11:51,847
[SCREAMING]

175
00:11:54,133 --> 00:11:56,089
Amy? But that means. . . .

176
00:12:03,733 --> 00:12:07,043
Leela must have impregnated me
when she grabbed my ungloved hand.

177
00:12:07,213 --> 00:12:11,286
That explains the poster in hygiene class:
"No glove, no love. "

178
00:12:11,493 --> 00:12:15,884
-Wow, this is all so confusing.
-Leela, how could you?

179
00:12:16,093 --> 00:12:19,529
Our love has had to endure
your constant hatred, and now this?

180
00:12:19,693 --> 00:12:23,845
-Stop testing our love!
-Oh, please, captain.

181
00:12:24,053 --> 00:12:27,887
I thank Leela for the DNA
she gave me, but in my species. . .

182
00:12:28,093 --> 00:12:31,688
. . .the true parent is the one
who inspired the initial feeling of love.

183
00:12:32,013 --> 00:12:37,531
We call that person the "Smizmarr. "
And my Smizmarr is Amy.

184
00:12:37,733 --> 00:12:40,691
So the toilet seat is like
the uncle or something?

185
00:12:42,813 --> 00:12:45,646
-Sorry I got your boyfriend pregnant.
-That's okay.

186
00:12:45,813 --> 00:12:48,281
At least Kif's baby shower
should be fun.

187
00:12:48,493 --> 00:12:50,290
I better put it on my calendar.

188
00:12:51,053 --> 00:12:53,931
Thursday. Baby shower. Enter.

189
00:12:54,853 --> 00:12:57,242
Might as well plan for my new life
while I'm at it.

190
00:12:57,413 --> 00:12:59,529
Set motherhood mode.

191
00:13:07,013 --> 00:13:09,049
To motherhood.

192
00:13:15,733 --> 00:13:17,212
BENDER:
Zoidberg?

193
00:13:18,813 --> 00:13:20,531
FRY:
My face was stuck in a pizza.

194
00:13:20,693 --> 00:13:24,322
-Mom? Dad? I know this is weird, but--
-Yeah, yeah.

195
00:13:24,493 --> 00:13:26,723
We don't care how squishy alien
get pregnant.

196
00:13:26,933 --> 00:13:28,764
All we care is that we have grandchild.

197
00:13:28,973 --> 00:13:32,648
-You're very open-minded, Mrs. Wong.
-Hey, you call her "Grandma" now.

198
00:13:32,813 --> 00:13:34,883
Call me Grandma like crazy.
All the time.

199
00:13:35,533 --> 00:13:38,252
Check it out, y'all.
Everyone we invited is here.

200
00:13:38,453 --> 00:13:41,092
-Also Zoidberg.
-So let's open the gifts.

201
00:13:41,293 --> 00:13:43,443
-Yeah!
-I can't wait.

202
00:13:43,613 --> 00:13:46,207
We'll start with this one from Bender.

203
00:13:50,293 --> 00:13:52,568
It's my booties from when I was a kid.

204
00:13:52,773 --> 00:13:56,129
-Uh, they're already bronzed.
-They are bronze.

205
00:13:56,333 --> 00:14:00,485
And this one's from Leela.
Oh, I just love the bow.

206
00:14:00,653 --> 00:14:04,532
-I wonder what it is.
-Yes, I wonder what we got you.

207
00:14:06,653 --> 00:14:10,612
-It's a basket! For picnics?
-It means a lot to me.

208
00:14:10,773 --> 00:14:13,845
It's the basket my parents left me in
at the Orphanarium.

209
00:14:14,013 --> 00:14:15,810
You could use it for picnics.

210
00:14:16,013 --> 00:14:19,892
-Here, Amy, we get this one for you.
-Is it a new party board?

211
00:14:21,413 --> 00:14:24,485
It's a board, all right.
An ironing board.

212
00:14:24,653 --> 00:14:28,328
We had your old party board converted
now that you not be partying anymore.

213
00:14:28,493 --> 00:14:32,645
-You trashed my party board?
-Damn right. Now you a mom.

214
00:14:32,813 --> 00:14:36,692
The only surfing you'll do
is under a big wave of responsibility.

215
00:14:36,893 --> 00:14:40,010
Oh, this is the happiest moment
of my life.

216
00:14:40,173 --> 00:14:42,528
You all brought such wonderful gifts.

217
00:14:42,693 --> 00:14:44,763
-But the greatest gift. . .
-Mine!

218
00:14:44,973 --> 00:14:47,931
. . .is the bond I share
with my Smizmarr, Amy.

219
00:14:48,093 --> 00:14:53,008
For soon, the quivering mass of life
within me will depend upon us both.

220
00:14:53,173 --> 00:14:58,770
Even now, I can sense it feeding,
squirming, searching, questing.

221
00:14:58,933 --> 00:15:02,164
And shortly, it will
rend my loins in twain. . .

222
00:15:02,333 --> 00:15:05,723
. . .burst forth and pull us
down, down, down. . .

223
00:15:05,893 --> 00:15:08,532
. . .into the deep, dark waters
of commitment.

224
00:15:08,733 --> 00:15:12,169
That's so beautiful.

225
00:15:12,373 --> 00:15:15,649
Yes, it's. . . .

226
00:15:15,813 --> 00:15:18,850
No! I can't do this!

227
00:15:20,373 --> 00:15:22,204
Oh, my God!

228
00:15:22,373 --> 00:15:24,443
[BABY CRYING]

229
00:15:32,213 --> 00:15:34,204
Oh, how could Amy leave me?

230
00:15:34,413 --> 00:15:36,563
When will women learn
to take responsibility. . .

231
00:15:36,733 --> 00:15:39,042
. . .for the children they've helped create?

232
00:15:39,213 --> 00:15:40,282
[RUMBLING]

233
00:15:40,453 --> 00:15:42,683
The quickening! My time is near.

234
00:15:42,893 --> 00:15:46,408
I must return to my home world
to perform the ancient birthing rights.

235
00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:48,843
Let me know how that turns out.

236
00:16:08,413 --> 00:16:10,608
I must now embark
on a perilous journey. . .

237
00:16:10,773 --> 00:16:14,322
. . .to give birth in precisely
the same swamp in which I was born.

238
00:16:14,533 --> 00:16:16,683
If it's so dangerous,
I'd better go with you.

239
00:16:16,853 --> 00:16:19,321
-A gal has to protect her DNA.
-No, Leela.

240
00:16:19,493 --> 00:16:22,724
Tradition demands that I make
this journey with my Smizmarr.

241
00:16:22,893 --> 00:16:26,681
And since Amy isn't here,
I must go it alone.

242
00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:30,528
Farewell, for we may never meet again.

243
00:16:35,613 --> 00:16:38,286
My scrapes feel a little better now.

244
00:16:41,293 --> 00:16:46,208
Hey, what's this fat, ugly thing?
A frog? A toad? Or your mama?

245
00:16:50,973 --> 00:16:53,885
It's a poisonous froad! No one move.

246
00:16:57,693 --> 00:16:59,365
[SQUEALS]

247
00:16:59,613 --> 00:17:01,285
I'm back, baby.

248
00:17:10,173 --> 00:17:11,447
Behold.

249
00:17:11,653 --> 00:17:15,771
The sacred ancestral birthing grounds
of my family.

250
00:17:15,933 --> 00:17:17,525
Smells like a jockstrap.

251
00:17:22,213 --> 00:17:25,649
-I am the Grand Midwife.
-Hi.

252
00:17:25,853 --> 00:17:29,243
I am Kif, of the clan Kroker,
come to bear my young.

253
00:17:29,413 --> 00:17:34,203
Then let the tea of new life be brewed,
as it is writ:

254
00:17:34,373 --> 00:17:37,763
"And both shall lift the jug together. "

255
00:17:37,933 --> 00:17:40,970
-Where is your Smizmarr?
-She's not with me.

256
00:17:41,173 --> 00:17:45,166
Oh, the sorrow! Oh, the shame!

257
00:17:45,373 --> 00:17:47,603
Sorry, I'm probably just
making you feel worse.

258
00:17:47,813 --> 00:17:52,170
As long as Amy is with me in my heart,
I will have the strength of two.

259
00:17:52,613 --> 00:17:54,763
[GRUNTING]

260
00:17:56,973 --> 00:18:00,648
Apparently Amy hasn't been
working out much lately.

261
00:18:05,733 --> 00:18:10,523
As the tea boils, please join hands
with your beloved Smizmarr.

262
00:18:12,013 --> 00:18:16,325
Oh, right. Sorry, but I've memorized the
ceremony by rote. It mentions her a lot.

263
00:18:16,533 --> 00:18:18,888
-I'll try to endure.
-Good, 'cause I'm not changing it.

264
00:18:19,093 --> 00:18:24,121
Now turn, ye two, and gaze deeply
into each other's eyes.

265
00:18:25,333 --> 00:18:28,245
-What are you looking at?
-May the love I sense between you. . .

266
00:18:28,413 --> 00:18:32,929
. . .at this moment remain with you both
through all your days.

267
00:18:36,253 --> 00:18:38,483
The tea of new life is ready.

268
00:18:38,693 --> 00:18:44,131
Let those whose love created this life
speak each other's names, then drink.

269
00:18:49,693 --> 00:18:52,002
-Amy.
AMY: Kif!

270
00:18:53,293 --> 00:18:54,692
[GASPING]

271
00:18:55,133 --> 00:18:59,285
Amy! ls it you, or have I gone crazy
with loneliness?

272
00:18:59,493 --> 00:19:00,892
Both.

273
00:19:02,053 --> 00:19:03,452
Whoa!

274
00:19:03,813 --> 00:19:07,522
I still don't know if I'm ready for this,
but I do know I love you.

275
00:19:07,693 --> 00:19:09,570
And I want to be here beside you.

276
00:19:09,773 --> 00:19:12,606
Great. Now I lost my place.
I'm starting over!

277
00:19:13,253 --> 00:19:15,403
Oh, no time. It has begun.

278
00:19:17,933 --> 00:19:19,252
[GROANING]

279
00:19:19,413 --> 00:19:20,641
Oh, my!

280
00:19:26,453 --> 00:19:29,047
-Neat.
-You can do it, Kif.

281
00:19:30,893 --> 00:19:32,645
Whoa, Nelly!

282
00:19:39,413 --> 00:19:40,812
[LIQUID RUSHING]

283
00:19:40,973 --> 00:19:42,929
[GROANING]

284
00:19:43,653 --> 00:19:45,723
Oh, man!

285
00:19:50,533 --> 00:19:54,367
Amy, my love, tell me,
are they making it to the water?

286
00:19:59,893 --> 00:20:00,928
Amy!

287
00:20:01,853 --> 00:20:04,208
Stay away from my babies!

288
00:20:14,253 --> 00:20:16,687
The birthing is complete.

289
00:20:17,973 --> 00:20:21,409
-Oh, thank goodness.
-I will now take my leave.

290
00:20:21,613 --> 00:20:24,286
I live here, so I won't actually
be going anywhere. . .

291
00:20:24,453 --> 00:20:27,013
. . .but you don't have to talk
to me anymore.

292
00:20:27,413 --> 00:20:29,927
-Congratulations.
-Way to go, squishy!

293
00:20:32,373 --> 00:20:33,931
LEELA:
There goes my DNA.

294
00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:38,172
-What a disgusting and beautiful process.
-That's birth for you.

295
00:20:38,373 --> 00:20:40,523
Well, we've given them a great start,
Amy.

296
00:20:40,693 --> 00:20:46,165
And in 20 years, they'll sprout legs
and crawl back onto land as children.

297
00:20:46,333 --> 00:20:48,563
I'll be ready then.

298
00:20:49,305 --> 00:21:49,253
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