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Less Than Hero

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FEMALE VOICE: Your call is being--
MALE VOICE: Connected.

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FEMALE VOICE: By SewerCom.
Reach out and touch the sewers.

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Look, Morris! It's Leela calling!

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Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! Ready
for your big trip to the surface?

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We're excited, honey, but we
don 't want to embarrass you.

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I mean, your mother and I
are basically monsters.

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Dad, relax. You are being so mutant.

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I found this adorable little bag to wear
over my head. And it was on sale!

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No one's wearing anything adorable
over their head. Now listen.

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I could never, ever be ashamed of
my parents. I'll see you this weekend.

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[DOOR OPENS]

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Hey, guess who I just got off
the video phone with.

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-No!
-My parents!

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They're coming up from the sewers
for a visit Sunday.

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Are you off your rocket?
Your parents are mutants.

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It's illegal for them to come
above ground. . .

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. . .because they're inferior genetic scum.

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Present company excluded, of course.

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I'm getting them a special
one-day surface permit from city hall.

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While you're there, could you
get me a license to kill?

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Sure. Bare hands or weapon?

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What does piano wire count as?

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Good news, anyone.

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The Swedish robot from Pi-kea is here
with the super-collider I ordered.

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IN SWEDISH ACCENT:
Enjoy your affordable Swedish crap.

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Let's see what tools we'll need.

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Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

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All right, we're all set.

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Nothing like the rustic wholesomeness
of working with one's own hands.

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[GRUNTING]

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There. Finished.
And only six missing pieces.

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Those Swedes know how to put in
almost everything you need.

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Man, I'm sore all over. I feel like I just
went 1 0 rounds with mighty Thor.

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I feel like I was mauled by Jesus.

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I've got just the thing.
Genuine miracle cream. . .

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. . .I bought from a traveling salesman.

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"Come one, come all! " he said.
"Step right up! "

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"This sounds too good to be true,"
I thought.

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He said I looked like a smart young man!

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"So is it a deal?" I inquired.

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Two hours later, he was gone
with 60 of my dollars!

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But I had the miracle cream.

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Bad news, nobody.
The super-collider super exploded!

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I need you to take it back and
exchange it for a wobbly CD rack. . .

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. . .and some of those rancid meatballs.

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Excuse me. Hi.
Do you have a minute?

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I live in Jersey City. My car
broke down, and my aunt's sick.

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She needs this medicine, but I need
bus money, so I'm mugging you.

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-Hand over your wallets!
-I don't believe that story for a second.

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-It doesn't matter, I'm mugging you!
-There's no bus to Jersey City.

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Give me your wallets now,
or my robot will shoot!

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Don't make me hurt you.

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I'm too scared to find my pocket.

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Here, I'll just take off my pants
and give you those.

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Hey! I don't like what I'm seeing!
Give it to him, Andrew!

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Give it to him again, Andrew!

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What the--? Laser-proof shirts, huh?
Well, I'll show you!

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Hey! Quit it!

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[LEELA SHOUTING]

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-Foiled. And after years of planning.
-You're out of the gang.

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How did we manage to survive?
What gave us those strange powers?

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Maybe we're wearing magic rings,
but they're invisible. . .

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. . .so we don't even realize it.
Also, you can't feel the rings.

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Fry! Shut up and look at this!

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"May cause super powers
in humans. "

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Wow! A super-powers drug
you can just rub into your skin?

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You'd think you'd have to freebase it.

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Let's see, which powers do we have?
"Super strength"?

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[YELLING]

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-Yep.
-"Lickity speed"?

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FRY: Check.
-Yes, sir.

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"Ability to command the loyalty
of sea creatures. "

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-Hey, Zoidberg, get in here!
ZOIDBERG: Screw you!

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-Ain't got that.
-Nope.

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Wow! Super powers!

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I'll be able to pack my day with
twice as many humdrum activities.

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Leela, I think you're missing
the big picture.

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When you were a kid,
what was your biggest fantasy?

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-To have parents.
-Whatever.

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The correct answer is,
to be a superhero!

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We have super powers, and we're
Americans. This is our chance.

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Hm. I have been looking for a way
to serve the community. . .

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. . .that incorporates my violence.

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-Let's do it!
-You'll barely regret this.

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Hey! A friend of mine said he mugged
you today, and you had super powers!

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It's true.
Thanks to this funky-fresh cream.

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Now me and Leela are forming
an awesome crime-fighting duo!

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Wow! Crime fighting! Cool!

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You say you're a duo?
Yeah, duos are good.

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Of course, sometimes they're
a little short-handed.

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See you.

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With two humans, you'd think there'd
be a robot in there to balance things out.

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But whatever.

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I have these three costumes you could
use, but I guess I'll just throw one away.

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We'd love to have you on the team.

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But aren't you more on
the supply side of crime?

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Plus, the cream won't give you
super powers. You're a robot.

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So? I'm already super strong,
and my arms do this:

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Also, I got this going:

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Listen up, New New York! There's a new
group of superheroes in town!

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-And we're--
WOMAN: Quiet! It's 4 a.m. . .

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. . .and I just fell asleep for
the first time in 30 years!

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Sorry!

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-A new era of justice has begun.
WOMAN: What?

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ANNOUNCER: Attention all crooks,
lowlifes and lawbreakers.

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Do yourselves a favor and crawl back
into your filthy tenements...

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... you human cockroaches, or get your
ugly face punched to custard by...

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... the New Justice Team!

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-Captain Yesterday!
-Clobberella!

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And Super King!
The best one of the three!

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Yow!

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[THE NEW JUSTICE TEAM'S
THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

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Ta-da!

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Captain Yesterday, I find your skintight
high-waters incredibly sexy.

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Let's get together sometime.

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Sure! I'm listed in the phone book,
so once I reveal my real name. . .

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. . .along with my address and
a copy of my birth certificate--

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Are you crazy? We have to keep
our secret identities secret.

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-From everybody?
-Especially from everybody!

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Give several reasons why.

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For one, superheroes cause
a lot of collateral damage. . .

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. . .and we don't want to get
our butts sued.

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Or do we? No, I guess not.

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Also, if our identities get out,
every crook in the city will be after us.

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-Or, God forbid, our loved ones.
-Super King has no need for loved ones.

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How you doing, kid?

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There you go.
Two one-day mutant surface passes.

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Thank you, Mayor Poopenmeyer.

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[PHONE RINGS]

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Mayor here. What's that?
A horrible crime in the works?

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Ruthless villain? Citizens in danger?
That's fantastic news!

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Because I get to summon
the New Justice Team!

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[BUZZING]

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Shh.

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-They're usually here by now.
-Well, so long. Keep in touch.

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Wait! Stay and meet the superheroes!

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There's three of you and three of them,
so it'll be perfect!

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Is this clown on?
Where are those daring crime-stoppers?

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Oh, I completely forgot!
I left my apartment on fire!

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As for me, I'm late for my LSATs.

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And I can't take life anymore!

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Clobberella! Captain Yesterday!
My liege. You're just in time.

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We've received a tip that
the Museum of Natural History. . .

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. . .will be robbed tomorrow
at exactly 9 a.m.

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The target: the priceless
Quantum Gemerald.

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Who's the perp?

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POOPENMEYER: A dangerous
villain known as the Zookeeper. . .

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. . .who commits crimes aided
by a pack of highly trained animals!

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Pack of highly. Got it!

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His crew includes a badger with a
troubled past and nothing left to lose.

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An elephant who never forgets to kill.

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And a seldom-used crab named Lucky,
a.k.a. Citizen Snips.

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You can count on us, Mr. Mayor!
Justice away!

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BENDER:
Hold the elevator!

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We're in here too.

158
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Leela, how you gonna meet
your folks tomorrow?

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We've already scheduled the Zookeeper
for a 9 a.m. foiling at the museum.

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Not a problem. I've cleverly
arranged to meet my parents. . .

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. . .right there at the same museum
at 1 0.

162
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Nine, ten, a big fat hen.

163
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The name's Bender.

164
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I can't believe the Zookeeper is this late
for his own heist. It's just rude!

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[CLOCK CHIMES]

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Total hell! It's 1 0!

167
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I'm supposed to meet my parents,
and I'm still in my secret costume!

168
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There they are!

169
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How can Leela not be here?
Do you think she forgot?

170
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Relax.
I'm sure she's just ashamed of us.

171
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Yo, freak jobs! Hit the nearest manhole,
pronto-like!

172
00:11:50,493 --> 00:11:55,089
But we have passes that allow us to be
up here. From the mayor himself.

173
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I don't know.
I never heard of no mayor.

174
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The Zookeeper!

175
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Sorry I'm late. Long story.

176
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Now, everybody hit the deck! I'm cutting
the entire line and stealing the exhibit!

177
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You're not stealing anything!
Nobody hit the deck!

178
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Ah, the superheroes.
Or should I say, super zeros?

179
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-That was uncalled for.
-Animals, attack!

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[WHISTLE BLOWS SILENTLY]

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[SCREAMING]

182
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Please do not feed the animals!

183
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You're going down, my friend!
Down under!

184
00:12:56,373 --> 00:12:59,570
Man boxing a kangaroo is
a peculiar spectacle.

185
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But a kangaroo boxing a robot?
Now I'm afraid you've lost me.

186
00:13:05,413 --> 00:13:07,563
Citizen Snips!

187
00:13:14,653 --> 00:13:17,451
Nice job, Fingers.

188
00:13:18,253 --> 00:13:22,849
I'm scared and confused. I think we
wandered into an off-Broadway play.

189
00:13:23,013 --> 00:13:24,810
No, there are way too many people here.

190
00:13:27,253 --> 00:13:31,292
Later, if anyone asks when I got away,
tell them right now!

191
00:13:33,253 --> 00:13:36,086
Forget it, Zookeeper.
You're going into captivity!

192
00:13:36,293 --> 00:13:41,413
Fool! A quip about putting me behind
bars would have been far more delicious!

193
00:13:42,253 --> 00:13:46,610
-Here, catch!
-No, Fry! You can't fall fast enough!

194
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I got it! I got it!
I don't got it!

195
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[BENDER GROANS]

196
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You saved the Gemerald!

197
00:13:57,653 --> 00:14:02,283
Yet the Zookeeper escaped, thus proving
that the deadliest animal of all. . .

198
00:14:02,453 --> 00:14:05,445
-. . .is the Zookeeper.
-You can get off me anytime.

199
00:14:05,813 --> 00:14:10,170
Oh, no! My parents are leaving! I've
gotta go change back into street Leela.

200
00:14:10,373 --> 00:14:13,604
MAN: It's the New Justice Team!
-Thank you, mysterious heroes!

201
00:14:13,813 --> 00:14:16,452
The value of the Gemerald
you saved is slightly greater. . .

202
00:14:16,613 --> 00:14:19,207
. . .than the cost of the damage
you caused to this museum!

203
00:14:19,373 --> 00:14:22,410
A net gain for our great city!

204
00:14:22,573 --> 00:14:24,325
[CHEERING]

205
00:14:27,453 --> 00:14:32,481
It's good that Leela doesn't love us.
She'll be less sad when we die.

206
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MORRIS:
Ow.

207
00:14:41,573 --> 00:14:44,292
Mom? Dad? I showed up!

208
00:14:44,453 --> 00:14:48,492
And I got the audio tour for
Treasures of Liberace's Tomb!

209
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[MAN WHIMPERING]

210
00:15:03,973 --> 00:15:07,852
Sweetie, it's okay. You don't have to
apologize for standing us up. . .

211
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. . .on the only visit to the surface
we'll ever have.

212
00:15:10,653 --> 00:15:13,804
I want to tell you why I didn't
show up, but I can't.

213
00:15:13,973 --> 00:15:17,283
Just please believe me that
it was a very good reason.

214
00:15:17,453 --> 00:15:20,092
I'm sorry I disappointed you.

215
00:15:21,093 --> 00:15:23,732
Leela, you could never disappoint us.

216
00:15:23,893 --> 00:15:28,284
We're so proud of everything that
you are, and we always will be.

217
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Because you're our baby girl.

218
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Oh, I can't take it!
Mom, Dad, I'm Clobberella!

219
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-Galloping gators!
-You're a superhero?

220
00:15:46,293 --> 00:15:47,965
Well, that's wonderful!

221
00:15:48,133 --> 00:15:50,567
But did you have to make
the costume so revealing?

222
00:15:50,893 --> 00:15:56,047
Look at me! Proud dad of a superhero!
We should print up T-shirts!

223
00:15:56,213 --> 00:15:59,285
And F-shirts for our friends
with two arms on the same side!

224
00:15:59,493 --> 00:16:03,805
No, listen, it's very important
that you never, ever tell anyone. . .

225
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. . .under any circumstance.

226
00:16:05,653 --> 00:16:08,850
-What if I've had a few?
-Dad, you drink?

227
00:16:09,013 --> 00:16:12,892
-No, not even then!
-All right. My sucker is sealed.

228
00:16:13,053 --> 00:16:17,171
In fact, I shouldn't even be
wearing this around here.

229
00:16:17,933 --> 00:16:21,926
-It was brisk. I dressed in layers.
-That's my girl.

230
00:16:27,213 --> 00:16:31,809
-So anyway, my daughter's Clobberella.
-Leela is Clobberella?

231
00:16:31,973 --> 00:16:34,646
-You're pulling me!
-Keep it under your sock.

232
00:16:34,853 --> 00:16:37,367
It's a big secret.
That's why I'm only telling you two.

233
00:16:37,533 --> 00:16:40,001
Oh, my God!
That guy's daughter is Clobberella!

234
00:16:40,173 --> 00:16:43,165
-But don't tell anyone.
-Gotcha!

235
00:16:46,333 --> 00:16:49,370
Greetings, superheroes. Remember me?

236
00:16:50,373 --> 00:16:53,445
I don't remember much, buddy!
And you're no looker.

237
00:16:53,653 --> 00:16:58,010
-Professor, isn't it time for your nap?
-Yes, damn it!

238
00:17:02,613 --> 00:17:05,252
Zookeeper, how did you know
our real identities?

239
00:17:05,453 --> 00:17:09,731
Let's just say a little bird told me.

240
00:17:09,933 --> 00:17:13,608
Leela told her parents.
Leela 's parents blabbed.

241
00:17:14,773 --> 00:17:18,925
Leela? ls the person that parrot is
mimicking telling the truth by proxy?

242
00:17:19,093 --> 00:17:23,052
Yes. My parents were so hurt,
I couldn't help it.

243
00:17:23,253 --> 00:17:26,768
But I distinctly told them not
to tell anyone.

244
00:17:26,933 --> 00:17:29,731
We are not amused!

245
00:17:29,933 --> 00:17:33,687
And here's something you may
or may not find interesting.

246
00:17:36,613 --> 00:17:40,401
-Mom! Dad!
-Leela, please forgive us!

247
00:17:40,573 --> 00:17:44,407
Especially your father, who 's the one
who told. Thank you very much, Morris!

248
00:17:44,613 --> 00:17:49,641
-Are you all right? Has he hurt you?
-No, but my allergies are going nuts.

249
00:17:49,813 --> 00:17:50,882
Oh, God!

250
00:17:51,053 --> 00:17:54,443
Every couch and table has
animal fur all over it.

251
00:17:54,613 --> 00:17:56,285
He lets them climb on everything!

252
00:17:56,493 --> 00:17:58,643
All right, Zookeeper,
what do you want?

253
00:17:58,853 --> 00:18:02,846
Why, the Quantum Gemerald, of course.
You must steal it for me by midnight...

254
00:18:03,013 --> 00:18:06,642
...or your parents will be devoured by
piranhas that I have, shall we say...

255
00:18:06,813 --> 00:18:10,726
...persuaded to walk on dry land.

256
00:18:10,893 --> 00:18:16,570
Save us, Leela! I mean, if you
don 't have anything better to do!

257
00:18:18,333 --> 00:18:21,086
We're out of options.
We have to steal the Gemerald.

258
00:18:21,293 --> 00:18:24,649
But should superheroes commit a crime?
Even to save lives?

259
00:18:24,813 --> 00:18:27,566
I need moral guidance! Bender?

260
00:18:27,733 --> 00:18:31,612
The thought of stealing anything
fills Super King with disgust.

261
00:18:31,773 --> 00:18:36,893
But if it must be so, then let
a museum heist be pulled!

262
00:18:41,733 --> 00:18:44,406
Oh, no! Our super-power
cream is out of itself!

263
00:18:44,613 --> 00:18:48,606
Check inside the cap.
There might be a caked-in gold mine.

264
00:18:49,573 --> 00:18:51,848
EI zilcho.
I'm afraid we're boned.

265
00:18:52,093 --> 00:18:56,132
EI zilcho. Hey, is it too late
to change my superhero name?

266
00:19:00,893 --> 00:19:05,125
Just be cool. Nobody knows
we're super-powerly challenged.

267
00:19:05,813 --> 00:19:08,088
Man, this costume is so damn heavy.

268
00:19:08,293 --> 00:19:11,524
Hey, Captain Yesterday? Can l, like, wail
on you with this two-by-four. . .

269
00:19:11,693 --> 00:19:14,969
-. . .and it doesn't hurt you?
-Ow! That didn't hurt.

270
00:19:15,933 --> 00:19:18,128
Hi, superheroes. Everything okay?

271
00:19:18,333 --> 00:19:21,723
Big O, little K, my friend.
Just checking if everything's all right.

272
00:19:21,933 --> 00:19:25,130
-It's okay, all right.
-Okay, then.

273
00:19:25,293 --> 00:19:26,851
Grab it!

274
00:19:27,093 --> 00:19:28,287
[GASPING]

275
00:19:28,453 --> 00:19:32,048
Yo! The superheroes have
turned evil! Most uncool!

276
00:19:32,253 --> 00:19:33,481
Get them!

277
00:19:33,653 --> 00:19:38,249
Stay back, or we'll beat the tar
out of you using super powers!

278
00:19:38,413 --> 00:19:41,132
Whoo-ooah.

279
00:19:41,533 --> 00:19:43,763
[PANTING]

280
00:19:48,333 --> 00:19:50,642
-So this is your lair?
-Of course not!

281
00:19:50,813 --> 00:19:55,011
You think I'd show you my lair?
My lair's a million times nicer than this.

282
00:19:55,213 --> 00:19:57,010
Okay. Take it easy.

283
00:19:57,173 --> 00:19:59,846
Well, here's your lousy Gemerald.

284
00:20:00,013 --> 00:20:01,810
Hawk, fetch!

285
00:20:03,973 --> 00:20:06,362
That seemed unnecessary.

286
00:20:08,053 --> 00:20:12,922
Our transaction is complete.
Come, Solomon, to the lair!

287
00:20:13,733 --> 00:20:16,645
Mom! Dad! Oh, I'm so sorry
I got you kidnapped. . .

288
00:20:16,813 --> 00:20:19,725
. . .by a crazy madman who tried
to feed you to piranhas.

289
00:20:19,893 --> 00:20:22,646
We're just happy to be
involved in your life.

290
00:20:22,853 --> 00:20:24,366
No, no, it's my fault. . .

291
00:20:24,533 --> 00:20:27,252
-. . .for telling you I was a superhero.
-That's true.

292
00:20:27,453 --> 00:20:30,365
I just couldn't stand to have you
think I was ashamed of you.

293
00:20:30,573 --> 00:20:31,801
That's sweet, honey.

294
00:20:31,973 --> 00:20:35,852
But it's natural for children to be
a little ashamed of their parents.

295
00:20:36,053 --> 00:20:38,283
-Oh, yeah.
-Just like it's natural for parents. . .

296
00:20:38,453 --> 00:20:41,525
. . .to be a little disappointed
in their children. Not that we are.

297
00:20:41,693 --> 00:20:45,288
-But you could call a little more often.
-Okay.

298
00:20:45,493 --> 00:20:48,451
And would it kill you
to use some mouthwash?

299
00:20:49,813 --> 00:20:53,203
Hey, Fry, we've still got our costumes
on. Wanna steal some more stuff?

300
00:20:53,373 --> 00:20:55,807
I guess.
As long as you think it's right.

301
00:20:55,973 --> 00:20:59,409
Superheroes away!

302
00:21:00,305 --> 00:22:00,674
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