The Farnsworth Parabox
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FARNSWORTH: Oh, Lordy Lou! Help!
[SNORING]
I know you've rejected me a lot before, but frankly. . .
. . .I wasn't sure we were right for each other either. But now I am!
-So how about a date tonight? -Sorry! I think l. . . .
I think I left my toaster on.
FARNSWORTH: Buddha! Zeus! God! One of you guys, do something!
Come on, Leela. What's the real reason you won't go out with me?
FARNSWORTH: Help, Satan! You owe me!
Look, I'm embarrassed to admit this, but you've forced me to.
I can't go out tonight. . .
-. . .because I have sweaty boot rash! -No spluh.
Why do you think I'm sitting over here in the stink-free zone?
So will you go out with me?
Good news, everyone! I'm still technically alive, yes.
But I need you to dispose of this crazy-ass experiment. . .
. . .that almost killed me.
You'll have to throw it into the sun itself.
For only the thermal nuclear inferno of the sun. . .
. . .has enough energy to ensure its total destruction.
-I could hit it with a shovel. -That's not good enough.
This one time I pounded a guy into the ground like a stake with a shovel.
-Yes, yes. -So, what's in the box already?
-No peeking! -Ow! Oh! Oh! Oh!
I don't know what's in there.
But I'm sure our minds would be unable to comprehend it.
-Ow! You hurt my collator! -I don't care.
Listen well. No matter what happens. . .
. . .no matter how great your curiosity, you are forbidden to look in this box.
Forbidden! Pretty tantalizing, though.
Whatever's in there, it's the only thing I've ever wanted.
In my experience boxes are usually empty. . .
. . .or maybe with a little cheese stuck to the top.
And one time, pepperoni. What a day that was!
[SCREAMS]
Give me the box!
Scram, you lousy green snakes!
[SCREAMING]
Here, Leela. Take this and use it to shoot those guys.
-Right. If they try to look in the box. -Whatever.
Let's just forget about the box. The professor said to stay away.
Fry, how can you be so naive? He was joking, get it?
-No. -That's what makes it so funny!
[LAUGHING]
Okay, he wasn't joking. Now shut up and follow me.
FRY: Ow! It's hot! The butter in my pocket is melting!
[SNORING]
[BENDER CHUCKLING]
[BENDER HUMMING]
BENDER: Yep.
[GROANING]
We thank you, Bender, for the gift we are about to receive.
Tangled-up Christmas lights! We can take shifts untangling them!
And unlabeled booze! Wide-mouth too!
That ought to keep those dopes occupied.
I can guard the real box in peace now that no one's curious about it.
[HUMMING]
[CLOCK TICKING]
Well, I got through the night, and no one looked in the box.
Not even me. The person who gave up her whole evening to watch it.
A whole evening of TV, gone! What a mockery of justice. . .
. . .that I can't take even a little tiny peek. I need coffee.
Okay, heads I look, tails I don't.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah! Heads! I mean, all right, then.
No. I have a duty not to look.
Well, then again, I promised the coin I would.
Oh, it's deep. Deeper than a small box should be.
[SCREAMS]
Ouch! My lawyer will hear about this!
[DOOR OPENS]
FRY: What have you done?
Nothing! What do you mean, why was I looking in the box?
I meant your hair. It's all different-y.
-Bender? ls--? ls that you? -You know it. Large and in charge.
Leela? Oh, there's a woman for you.
Always dyeing her hair instead of not looking in a box.
I didn't dye my hair. This is how I always look.
No, that's how you always look.
[GASPING]
This throws my entire perception of reality into question.
Clone? Robot? Or long-lost twin? Taking all bets!
I also offer video poker!
It's some guy wearing a Leela costume! Get him!
Hold it! You have this all wrong!
I just fell into the box and then I fell out somehow.
-You shut up, sir! -No, wait! I've got it!
I know what's in the box! Oh, I've been as dumb as Fry.
-Am not! -It contains a parallel universe!
And when you create a parallel universe. . .
. . .it's almost always populated by evil twins.
Now look, I am not evil. My loan officer said so.
Oh, you'd like us to believe that wouldn't you, Leela?
Or should I say, "Evilla"?
This is awful! Somewhere, there's a more evil Bender than me!
I do my best, damn it!
Leela? The good Leela.
I want you to snoop around the other universe. . .
. . .and find out how evil they are.
-Here. -I tell you, they're not evil.
But don't be confused. They are jerks.
ZOIDBERG: Hello.
[ALTERNATE LEELA YELLS]
ZOIDBERG: Ow!
Come out of your universe with your hands up!
Oh, wow! It's like that drug trip I saw in that movie. . .
-. . .when I was on that drug trip. -Astonishing!
-I must have created a parallel universe. -Baldercrap! I created your universe!
All you created was my fist parallel to your face!
-Ow. -It doesn't matter who created what.
The important thing is--
We're exactly the same. I know all her moves.
Therefore, I've got the upper hand.
[YELLING]
Now, now, perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything.
Let's recap what's happened so far.
As you can see, I accidentally created a box containing your universe.
While l, in a simultaneous blunder, created a box containing your universe.
This is getting confusing. Why don't we call our universe "Universe A" . . .
-. . .and this universe "Universe B. " -Hey! Why can't we be Universe A?
-We want A! -It's the best letter!
We called it first. Besides, this place kind of feels like a B, you know?
All right, you can be crummy Universe A. And we'll be Universe One.
Or the Mongooses. That's a cool team name. "The Fighting Mongooses. "
Wait a second! lf everyone is identical. . .
. . .why did our Leela look into the box and your Leela didn't?
Well, to be honest, I tossed a coin. It came up tails, so I didn't look.
That's weird. Mine came up heads, so I did.
Interesting. Apparently the key difference between our universes. . .
. . .is that coin flips have opposite outcomes.
That explains fruity here. I tossed a coin to pick my finish.
-Fog hat gray. -Hey! Bite my glorious golden ass!
You people and your slight differences disgust me! I'm going home.
Where's that blue box with our universe in it?
Oh, you'd like to get back to your evil universe, wouldn't you?
And destroy your box with our universe inside it!
Nonsense! I would never do such a thing.
Unless you were already having been going to do that!
-Wha--?! -You heard me!
In any case, I've hidden the box, and it will remain hidden. . .
. . .until I'm convinced you're not evil.
Everyone, keep an eye on your evil counterpart.
And you all do the same!
Can Fry and I watch our parallel selves together? We have plans tonight.
-You guys are dating? -Oh, no, no. We're married.
I got my eye on you, boy!
Don't even think about it, lunch pail! You'd be dead before you hit the ground.
Good point. What do you say we just hit a strip joint?
I was waiting for one of us to say that!
[CHEERING]
Bender A, you're a prince among robots. Can you forgive me for distrusting you?
I can't stay mad at what is essentially me. I love me!
[SNICKERING]
This is so great! I always wanted an imaginary friend!
I'm not imaginary, I'm parallel.
We're exactly the same, right down to the--
Is that pink nail polish?
Is that not pink nail polish?
The professor's right, you are evil. And shallow.
I am not evil!
So, Fry, Leela, how'd you two get together?
Funny story. I asked Leela out a million times, but she just kept rejecting me.
I'd make up stuff like, "I have sweaty boot rash" . . .
. . .or "I have to meet the president. "
Oh, man, you never heard such excuses. But, like a dope, I believed her.
Looking back on it now, it's kind of funny.
It sure is. Right, Leela? Funny? Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Then one night when Fry asked me out. . .
. . .the only excuse I could think of involved ghosts.
I knew he wouldn't buy it, so I did what I do in those situations.
-Oh, Lord. -I flipped a coin.
It came up heads, and we went out.
You mean you flipped a coin too? And it was tails?
So that's why you said you had to meet that ghost!
You really missed out on something, Leela. That date was magical.
One year later I gave Leela a diamond scrunchy, and we were married.
Ooh!
One year later I got beat up at a Neil Diamond concert. . .
. . .by a guy named Scrunchy!
[GROANING]
Well, that was pointless.
Say, I hope you won't think it "evil" of me. . .
. . .to ask how you got that stylish head wound.
Oh, this old thing? I was experimenting to see if I could remove my own brain.
Of course! I had the same idea.
I flipped a coin to decide if I should proceed.
But it came up tails, so I didn't. How'd it go?
Well, getting the brain out was the easy part.
The hard part was getting the brain out.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, you!
[BUZZING]
So tell me about yourself.
Well, don't look into it, but I'm a respected internal-medicine doctor.
A can!
As for me, I design mansions, then live in them.
[SOBBING]
I'm lying. I'm an appalling failure!
Me too! A big fat one!
And those coworkers, always looking down on us Zoidbergs.
What are they, from Nob Hill?
They're all like, "Stop spraying me with ink, Zoidberg! "
"Put on pants, Zoidberg! " "Don't touch our fancy box, Zoidberg. "
Oh, that box! Too good for us, is it?
Someday they'll watch from down in the gutter, they will. . .
. . .as King Zoidberg caresses their fancy box!
You know, maybe a certain blue lobster saw where professor hid the box.
[CHUCKLING]
-Good news, everyones! -After carefully reading the scriptures. . .
. . .we've concluded that none of us are evil.
Yes, the Bible is the real good news.
Anyhow, you're all free to go back to your own universe.
What's going on here? Why aren't you all out destroying the professor's box?
Hermes, aren't you curious that there's two of everybody?
No. Now, like my granny used to say in her tarpaper shack on Montego Bay:
"If you want a box hurled into the sun. . .
-. . .you got to do it yourself. " -Your granny can go to hell!
I've hidden the box so no one can destroy the home universe. . .
-. . .of my handsome friend here. -Oh, go on.
Wait a second! lf your Hermes was about to destroy the box. . .
-. . .containing our universe. . . . -Then your Hermes. . . .
Oh, my.
NARRATOR: And sure enough....
[HUMMING]
Like Granny said, "If you want a box hurled into the sun. . .
. . .you got to do it yourself! "
God rest her zombie bones.
LEELA: So we go back through the box and stop Hermes.
Right. Good thing Professor B there hid it in the coelacanth tank.
No one but a crazy lobster would look there.
It's gone!
All hail Zoidberg, the king with the box.
-Now it's my turn, maybe? -The box says no.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile in Universe A, Hermes A heads towards the sun!
A.
Item one: box. Check.
Item two: sun.
That's a big check.
Oh!
If I know parallel Hermes, he's at the sun by now!
Our universe is doomed!
BENDER AND ALTERNATE BENDER: Doomed!
Now, don't give up yet, you crybabies.
The box is gone, but we still have one preposterously slim hope.
-Is it a kind of hair spray? -No!
We must attempt to make another box containing our universe.
[SCREAMING]
-Well, is that your universe in there? FRY: Nope. Too cold.
Hmm. All women. I'll put this one aside for later.
[LEELA SCREAMING]
ALTERNATE HERMES: It's hopeless! We'll never find your universe in time!
Plus, this box is stuck on my fat head!
Yes, it's the apocalypse, all right. I always thought I'd have a hand in it.
I'm not sad, because I finally found someone as great as me.
It's like I always say, make new friends, but keep the old.
-One is silver-- -And the other's gold.
[SOBBING]
Why with the long faces?
-The idiots have the box! -I think she means you.
Grab them!
You coward! Wait for me!
[MIMICS THE THREE STOOGES]
Look! Which one did they go into?
Oh, let's all ask each other! That'll solve this problem!
We'll each have to search a universe.
Everyone, grab a length of wire first so you can find your way back.
[MIMICKING THE THREE STOOGES]
Hello? Did you see two smelly lobsters?
We didn't see anything. Ever.
-Yo, did two shellfish in scrubs go by? BIG-HEADED FRY: Hell, no!
BIG-HEADED LEELA: Shut up! BIG-HEADED BENDER: Beat it, jerk!
Have you robot versions of you guys seen any extra Zoidbergs around here?
-Negative. Will you go out with me? -Access denied.
Hey, pal, look what I snagged from the Leprechaun Universe!
Yeah, Leprechaun Universe is fine, if you haven't seen Pirate Universe!
Faith and begorra!
Quis?
Quick, into another box!
There aren't any in this universe, there aren't. Hey, you!
-What with the no boxes? -Baby, they're somewhere.
Everything's, like, somewhere. Place is kind of au naturel right now.
-There they are! -Ah!
Gotcha!
Dig it! All of you fitting in this box is, like, seriously freaked up!
Nonsense! Why, there's a whole universe in there!
Dude, there's a universe in all of us.
Right on, Professor Freaksworth!
Get a job!
We've got the box! Everyone, pull your wires!
[SCREAMING]
Hurry! Back to Universe A!
Hermes, don't press that button!
Okay.
FRY: Bye-bye. LEELA: Later!
So long, Your Majesty!
There but for the flip of a coin go we.
So, Leela? Seeing how the universe wasn't destroyed. . .
. . .you wanna catch an ape fight? You know, together?
Well, I guess you deserve one more flip.
-So heads or tails? -You know, let's just say it's heads.
Ready? One.
Two. Three. Pull!
There. That space-time eversion has given us their box, and vice versa.
What you think you just explained to us, is that--
Correct! This box contains our own universe!
Sweet honeybee of infinity!
[GROANING]
Bender, quit destroying the universe!
But-- Oh!
Yes, all that is and ever shall be is in that box.
And the box itself is probably worth something too.
We must cherish it as we cherish every moment of our lives.
[GASPING]
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