Congratulations, everyone.
We finally made it to the Forbes 100.
- Holler! - Yeah, we did!
The Forbes 100 worst places for a woman to work.
If we call them, perhaps we could get a retraction.
I'm sorry, did you say "perhaps"?
Because when I hear a man say "perhaps," I think perhaps he has no spine,
and perhaps he should be looking for a new place to work.
Next time you feel confident about something, say "definitely."
We can definitely do something to get off that list.
Don't say "definitely" unless you have a plan.
I should not be on that list. I love women. I respect women.
The most important people in my life are my wife,
my daughters, and Barbara Boxer... my dog!
Let me ask the women here, if this is such a sexist,
horrible place to work, why hasn't anybody said anything?
Oh, son of a bitch!
♪
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Season 1, Episode 7 "Woman on Top"
This should not have happened.
I don't base my decisions on gender. I hire people based on three criteria...
That they be smart, driven, and have balls.
And, yes, I heard myself.
Well, we should have known, since Threepeat's
the only one who uses the ladies' room.
Yeah, it's the only one with a full-length mirror, so...
Well, there aren't gonna be any more men using the ladies' room.
In fact, I'm putting a camera in the ladies' room.
And, yes, I heard myself again.
The days of this being a boys' club are over.
In fact, I just made the first of what are going to be many female hires.
She is one of the top money managers in the United States.
She was top of her class at the Harvard business school.
Harvard. I went to Harvard.
Oh. Didn't take you long to drop the "I went to Harvard" bomb.
- Her name is Heather Doyle. - Oh, my God!
Uh, she's my ex-girlfriend. We... We hooked up in business school.
Yeah, and it didn't take you long to drop the "I hooked up in business school" bomb.
Is this going to be a problem for you? Let me rephrase...
I don't care if this is going to be a problem for you.
Uh, no. It... there... There's no problem.
Are you kidding? The... I-I'm just gonna explain it to Jenny.
It's totally fine. So, uh, when does this Heather start?
Ten minutes.
Hi. I'm Heather Doyle. I'm ten minutes early... To you.
To me, I'm ten minutes late, because I like to be 20 minutes early.
Could you validate my parking? Oh, never mind. I got it.
(Laughs) I'm sorry. What just happened?
(Sighs) I just got hired by Remington Trust.
- I am, uh, nine minutes early. - Oh.
So, Heather, uh, let's get you into the system, yeah?
- Great. (Laughs) - Derrick, we need an I.D. Here.
- Yeah. All right. Grab a seat. - Oh!
I must warn you, no matter what you do, you will appear to be cross-eyed.
Well, I used to take bad photos,
so I took a weekend seminar, "Never take a bad photo," and I haven't since.
The trick is to act like you're biting an invisible apple.
(Shutter clicks)
Hey, damn! Bite that invisible apple, girl!
No way, Harvard! You are not coming with us to karaoke.
No offence, but you suck.
(Scoffs) I'm sorry! Have you heard me sing "American Pie"?
Yes.
And it's way too long, man.
And then you start making up your own words.
People want to know what happened after he drove the Chevy to the Levee, Derrick.
Hey! You went to Harvard?
- Mm-hmm. - What?
Not you. Did you know a guy named Brody?
- At Harvard? - What?
Not you.
Are you talking about Brody Moyer?
Yeah, yeah! He works upstairs. I'm actually dating him.
Oh, my God! I used to date him at Harvard.
- What? - What...?
Hey, uh, Jenny...
- Brody! - Brody!
(Chuckles) Heather, Jenny. So you guys have met.
- Great! - Yeah.
Oh, that's wonderful. I was... I was worried.
You know? I was actually thinking...
You're gonna love this. I'm gonna love this.
By the way, Heather, you look wonderful.
- Oh! - I mean, you know what I mean?
You look amazing, too, Jenny, of course,
but I feel like when someone's wearing red,
you kind of have to... That's a guaranteed, like...
You have to say something about that. (Laughs)
You've had sex with both of them.
Just trying to move everything along here.
Heather, Jenny, I'm glad you guys have met.
There's no reason for this to be awkward.
So... how long were you two lovers?
- Don't say "lovers." - All right, I'm sorry.
How long did you two make-a the sex, huh?
(Clicks tongue) Don't say "make-a the sex."
I should get upstairs.
Brody, maybe we can catch up more during lunch.
Oh, well, actually, I'm gonna have lunch today with Jenny.
- Oh. - You should totally come.
I'd love to. Are you sure it won't be weird?
- No... - Yeah, are you sure it won't be weird?
No. No, no, no. I'm totally not that girl.
Yeah. Cool, cool, cool. Um, you know, more, the merrier.
(Chuckles)
Hold on, hold on.
I don't think I'm stepping over any line here
when I say personally I'd like to see you two get back together! Get in there!
Welcome to the team, Heather.
Since you're new here, why don't I fill you in on how things are gonna work, huh?
Brody and I are top dogs... Los polios locos.
Mm.
But I don't want you to be intimidated.
Aw! You're so sweet.
Let me tell you how this is gonna work.
I'm gonna take your accounts, your clients,
and then I'm gonna eat your lunch.
I will see you in the ladies' room.
Hmm.
Hey, Heather, I hope Threepeat warned you.
Mansfield can get a little intense in these morning meetings.
Especially after he sees our numbers from the Chicago office.
- They suck. - (Chuckles) Oh...
I'll just follow your lead. (Giggles)
(Under breath) I will eat your lunch.
Gentlemen, lady...
I want to take this opportunity to welcome the newest member of our team...
Heather Doyle.
Despite what you may have read in a certain financial magazine,
I think you'll find this environment is not, quote,
"So high in testosterone, you might as well be working inside of a testicle."
- Pleasure to be here, sir. - Lovely to have you.
Mr. Moyer, are the numbers in from our Chicago office?
Uh, yes, I am afraid so.
Huh.
(Forced laugh) Huh... (Inhales sharply)
Gosh, it seems these people have lost me a great deal of money.
Such is our business.
(Claps hands)
Mr. Mansfield, given the Chicago office's poor performance,
perhaps they're in need of more oversight.
- "Perhaps"? - (Chuckles) Mm-hmm.
- Perhaps you're right. - (Chuckles) Mm-hmm.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
(High-pitch voice, giggles) Ah, it's a beautiful day!
You never diversify Mezzanine C.D.O.S in exchange-traded market segments!
Yeah, it's like trying to monetize credit swaps in the derivatives market.
(Forced laugh) (Laughing) Totally!
I mean, if you want to IncentiWise me,
don't collateralize my bonds, am I right?
(Laughing) (Forced laughing)
Speaking of which,
is anybody gonna eatimze that eggplant? Ha ha!
'Cause you guys were using "ize" words.
Sorry, Jenny, these are just inside jokes.
Oh. (Laughs) It's okay. We have inside jokes, too,
like... (Laughs) This one time, I laughed so hard that I farted.
It wasn't a big one, though...
- Please don't. - Okay.
Well, anyway, we should do this again soon.
- Yeah, totally. - Yeah, hey, how about tonight?
What? No, tonight's our karaoke night.
- It's... it's kind of our thing. - Yeah. You should totally come.
- Oh, I don't want to intrude. - Oh, no!
Hey, it'd be fun to get together outside of the office.
- You're cool! - Yeah, she's cool.
(Laughs) Yeah. I'm cool.
(Elevator bell dings)
Hey, Heather, I think we got off on the wrong foot yesterday.
Oh, thank you! Is this soy?
- Uh, no, it's not. - Oh.
Because it's mine.
Uh, but I suppose I could zip down and grab you another one.
Great! Extra hot and two stevias.
Oh, and while you're down there, would you mind...
- Dropping off my dry cleaning? - You got it.
(Forced laugh) What am I doing?
♪ He took the last train for the coast ♪
♪ The day
♪ the music died
I'll tell you what's killing music... illegal downloads.
I'll tell you...
That and that Bieber kid. What's his deal, huh? (Laughs)
But anyways... ♪ Bye-bye, Miss American...
Jobs, because they're going to China.
To China!
Look at me!
You guys are great. I love you so much. Thank you.
(Booing)
Oh, boo!
I love your hatred! I bathe in it! It makes my beard grow!
Man, that Heather is fine!
If I knew business schools had girls like that,
I would have went there, majored in accounting, and taxed that ass!
You okay, boo?
Look, I know that I can't compete with Heather,
you know, in the business world, but that's why I invited her tonight.
'Cause here, surrounded by friends in a bar
that smells like old beer and hot wings
and just a hint of urine... This is my house!
Amen.
(Laughs) Jenny, Jenny, Jenny,
Jenny, Jenny.
If you love someone, set them free.
If they hook up with an ex-girlfriend and they start a family,
well, then I was always yours to begin with.
Okay, I got you a beer, and the songbook,
and what is that on page 9?
Is that "Islands in the Stream"? (Gasps)
- Oh, that is what we are, babe. - Oh, yeah.
You're not gonna believe what song I picked.
Is it "Bitch, Meet My Fist"?
Think... second year finals party.
(Laughing) Oh, my God! You didn't!
- I did. - You didn't.
- I did. - You did not.
I... I feel like she probably did. (Laughs nervously)
("Baby one more time" playing) I can't believe you did this.
- Do you mind if I steal him? - Nope. Go. Ha ha.
- It's just something goofy we used to do. - I love goof. (Forced laugh)
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ Oh
♪ Oh, baby, baby
♪ How was I supposed to know ♪
♪ That something wasn't right, yeah? ♪
♪ Oh, baby, baby
♪ I shouldn't have let you go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ And now you're out of sight ♪ ♪ Yeah
♪ My loneliness is killing me ♪
♪ And I
♪ I must confess I still believe ♪
♪ Still believe
♪ When I'm not with you I lose my mind ♪
♪ Give me a sign
♪ Hit me, baby, one more time ♪
(Music stops) (Cheers and applause)
(Harvard) All right! (Cheering continues)
Get married! Get married!
Hey, there you are.
After you slipped out last night, I called you
a bunch of times and it went straight to voice-mail.
I think your phone's broken.
Hmm, yeah, it's doing this really weird thing
where when I see it's you calling, I hit "Ignore."
Okay, so you're mad at me?
Mad? Mad... at you? (Laughs) Why would I be mad at you?
Because you spent all last night singing duets with your ex-girlfriend?
She's pitchy, by the way.
(Chuckles) What? No, she's not.
No! No, she's not!
Hold on. I don't understand. You said it was okay if I sang with her.
Well, yeah, but I didn't realize you were gonna put on a concert.
Three songs? Come on!
Actually, we sang four songs.
Four? You... you've never sang four songs with me.
We usually do two, and then you get tired halfway through
and I have to finish by myself.
Look, I was drunk. It happened so fast.
- I was thinking of you the whole time! - Oh, please!
Hey! You're the one who invited Heather.
Yeah, I did, because I wanted to show her
how good we were together, and instead,
she showed me how good you guys are together.
I mean, better than good. You're perfect together.
Everyone in the whole place saw it.
Why did you guys even break up in the first place?
Well, it was obvious it wasn't gonna work out.
Why not?
You know, because we both moved to different cities after we graduated.
(Laughing) Wow, there's just... No way to overcome that one.
Oh, wait a minute, there is one way... Like if she moved here!
Okay, you know what? It wasn't just that.
She was so competitive. She and I were always fighting over closet space.
You lived together?
I'm sorry, what... was that?
Brody, Brody, Brody.
Just look me in the eye right now
and tell me that she is not exactly the kind of woman
that you always envisioned yourself with.
Ugh... you're perfect together.
You guys have everything in common.
You know, your ambition and your business suits,
and let's not forget your precious Harvard!
- What? - Not you!
Well, these are some pretty impressive résumés.
Well, they should be. They're 40 of the best
female money managers in the country.
Lookit, the days of this place being a men's locker room are over.
So no more post-deal ass slapping?
Regretfully, no.
I-I can't slap a man's ass in the workplace
and not also slap a woman's ass,
and I can't slap a woman's ass, so I...
I can't slap any ass!
Look, I gotta confess to you,
this whole experience has been quite freeing for me.
You see, I've managed to tap into my feminine side.
So tell me, how are things with you in here?
(Sighs)
- Well, actually, Jenny's... - Feeling threatened by Heather?
Yeah. How did you know that?
Intuition.
Of course Jenny is feeling threatened by Heather.
You and Heather are... Well, you're the perfect merger.
You went to the same school together, you speak the same language...
Hell, you'd spawn a race of super-children I'd hire in a minute.
On paper, you two are an ideal match.
Well, we did finish one and two in our class.
I won't say who was number one, but, you know...
I was.
Well, if you were so perfect together, why'd you break up?
Well, we moved to different cities.
(High-pitched whistle)
Wrong!
Okay, I can see you're back in touch with your masculine side.
You broke up with her because you weren't in love with her.
This, uh... this is a picture of my wife.
You can look at it long enough to see how beautiful she is,
but not so long that it gets awkward.
And that should do the trick.
Let me ask you, do you...
Do you think our relationship was made any easier
by the fact that we were both
powerful investment bankers when we got started?
Yes.
She didn't even have a bank account when we got started.
We had nothing in common. She was a painter, and I was...
Well, I was impressive.
See this painting?
This painting is... Is one of hers.
The yellow splotch on gray.
Yes. She calls it "Yellow Splotch on Gray."
Right.
You know what this painting means?
Uh, well, I'm guessing the gray could represent hopelessness,
and I'm thinking the yellow splotch can be an egg.
No.
It means I love my wife.
And every time I look at this painting,
I'm reminded of just how much I do love her.
You understand, on paper, we had nothing in common.
But God knows, you don't fall in love on paper, do you, son?
(Pats back) Uh, I gotta go.
Holy smokes.
I think that is an egg.
- Uh, we are closed. - Yeah, I just... I wanna talk to Jenny.
- Well, I don't want to talk to you. - Step off, bitch.
Listen, I screwed up, and I'm really sorry.
But you are the only person in the world that I want to sing with.
Oh, Brody, don't.
Yeah. Karaoke is over, as are you two,
so let's get out of here, guys.
♪ Right from the start
♪ You were a thief, you stole my heart ♪
♪ And I your willing victim
(singsongy) No one's listening!
♪ I let you see the parts of me that weren't all that pretty ♪
♪ And with every touch you fixed them ♪
(Exhales)
(Chuckles)
♪ Now you've been talking in your sleep ♪
♪ Oh, oh
♪ Things you never say to me
♪ Oh, oh
♪ Tell me that you've had enough ♪
♪ Of our love
♪ Our love
♪ Just give me a reason
♪ Just a little bit's enough
♪ Just a second, we're not broken, just bent ♪
♪ And we can learn to love again ♪
♪ It's in the stars
♪ It's been written in the scars on our hearts ♪
♪ That we're not broken, just bent ♪
♪ And we can learn to love again ♪
AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back Million Dollar Sunday Tournament every Sunday
So, the place downstairs couldn't get the stain out,
but I found a place in Jackson Square that could.
So, uh, if there's nothing else...
Go ahead. Good work today.
Yes! What? (Giggles)
Heather, could I speak with you for a moment?
Oh.
I, uh, I just want to tell you
what a delight it's been to have you with us here the last couple of days,
and I sure hope nothing has prevented you from feeling comfortable
while you've been here.
- Can I speak frankly, sir? - Sure. I wish you would.
I took this job because I heard you were a hard-ass boss
who would push me to be the best that I could be,
and you're treating me like some kind of princess, and it's bullshit!
No wonder the Chicago office is going in the crapper.
I feel like I'm the only one in this company with balls!
That's fantastic!
How, uh...
How would you like to run my Chicago office for me?
- I'd love to. - Good.
You start Monday. (Gasps)
Oh... one other thing.
Please don't confuse me with some jackass you meet out in the street.
I am your boss, so watch your BLEEP mouth.
Go get 'em!
(Laughing) A toast to the Chicago office!
- Hear, hear! - Whoo!
- Mmm. - Why do you have to go?
("Locked out of Heaven" playing) Guys, let's go. We're up.
- Whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! - Ooh!
Oh! I love this song!
Heather, get your cute butt up here.
Yes!
♪
- Let's kill this. - Let's go.
- Okay, that's not gonna happen. - Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
♪ I never had much faith in love ♪
♪ Or miracles
- Great job, babe. - ♪ Huh
♪ I never wanna put my heart on the line ♪
♪
♪ Huh
♪ Swimming in your water is something spiritual ♪
- ♪ Ooh, oh, oh - ♪ Huh
♪ I'm born again every time you spend the n-i-i-ight ♪
- ♪ ...I-i-ight - ♪ Huh
♪ 'Cause your sex takes me to paradise ♪
♪ Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise ♪
♪ And it sho-o-ows
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah
♪ ♪...
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