Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen. www.addic7ed.com
Have I seen the numbers?
(Chuckling) Of course I've seen the numbers.
Jamison, I need to see the numbers.
Dude. I'm so sorry, man.
What are you doing up here anyway?
You work on the ground floor now.
Just trying to stay on Mansfield's radar
so he'll remember how impressive I am.
By holding a garbage can?
No, not a garbage can.
Actually, five garbage cans.
It's my new B.R.O.W.N. System.
It stands for biodegradable, recyclable, organic, wet, and no idea.
Yeah, uh, I like the old system where you throw it all in one can...
You let the guy downstairs sort it out.
Only the guy is me now, and you have no idea how gross it gets,
which is why I came up with "no idea."
I'm sorry. I didn't...
No, it's okay. It won't be for long.
Especially because I have a new hot stock tip for the morning meeting,
and once I slip Mansfield my tip, then I'll be able to go all the way in.
All right, listen up. I need those third-quarter numbers.
I'd rather have them now than have them perfect,
but they had better be perfect.
Now, lookit, the, uh, hang seng dipped 2% overnight,
so I should be hearing the sound of some of my rabid analysts
clamoring for my attention.
Instead, all I'm hearing is the sound of my very own buttery baritone.
Actually, sir, if I may...
Chuffa communications.
Their stock is down 87%, and they have zero debt.
They're ripe for a takeover.
How's that for rabid, bitches?
That's exactly what I wanted to hear.
It's exactly what I was gonna say.
She stock-blocked me.
Excellent work, Ms. Harris.
Coffee break is officially...
Over!
Oh, guys, uh, please don't.
There's a new system. It's B.R.O.W.N.
Let's take a moment to debrief here.
Hey, I'm a person.
So, uh, Mr. Wen, I suppose you know what day, uh, tomorrow is.
Yes, sir. Uh, it's Wednesday.
It's my birthday.
Now, I... I guess the whole office
is gonna do the same thing they do every year.
They're going to "surprise" me with cake and champagne
and (chuckles) that embarrassing toast.
Well, sir, if the toast is too embarrassing, we don't have to do it.
Of course we have to do the goddamn toast.
There are people in this office that look forward to that toast every year.
It's a perfect blend of wit, whimsy, and emotion.
It always starts out with a-a joke at my expense
like, um... oh, gosh...
I have the body of a 25-year-old locked in my basement.
(Laughs)
Sir, I don't know if that's how that joke goes.
Well, I don't know how the damn joke goes.
I'm not Gallagher.
Uh, well, you know, it's Brody's joke.
H-h-he always gives the toast.
Eh, well, Brody doesn't work here anymore.
All I know is there are people in this office
that expect that toast to be perfect, and I don't care who gives it.
It's gonna be you.
Hello?
(Groans) What the hell?
Way to ruin a moment, jackass.
How was that a moment?
You were all just sitting in the dark.
The challenge is to sit completely still for 15 minutes
until the motion detectors automatically turn off the lights.
And after sitting and doing absolutely nothing
for an hour and a half, the A.C shuts off.
Found that out in the bathroom.
Hey, well, now that the lights are on, what should I do, boss lady?
Actually, according to HR, as long as we are having a relationship,
I can't order you around.
Oh, that didn't stop you last night.
I see why that's a rule now.
Right? Yeah. Yeah.
As of now, I am no longer your supervisor,
which is why I feel okay about doing this.
(Squeaks)
(Chuckles)
Wait, so who's my new supervisor?
Hello, meat.
From this point forward, the only easy day is yesterday.
Your first impossible task
is going to be to organize all of these purchase orders!
(Laughs)
I already did it.
And, in fact, I-I put it into these colorful binders.
Your second impossible task was gonna be to find the colorful binders.
Good for you.
Now, shit meet fan.
You're gonna clean out the stock room.
Oh, I've instituted a qr code system
to automate inventory in all three stock rooms.
Two questions... there's a third stock room...
...and there is a second stock room?
And I actually took the liberty of changing our downstairs hold music
to the Wilson Phillips song "Hold on."
♪ If you hold on for one more day ♪
♪ can you hold on? ♪ it's just a temp track, though.
I'll lay down a new mix tonight.
So, you guys have anything else for me to do?
(Chuckling) Oh, believe me.
We haven't even begun to scratch
the surface of hell that I'm gonna put you through.
Mm.
I've got nothing.
Jenny? Jenny Miller?
Hey! Get... h-hi!
What are you doing here?
You don't remember me. (Chuckles)
Of course I remember you. You're...
- Lindsay. - ...Lindsay.
Right. And I know you from...
- High school. - ...High school.
Wait. You went to Modrell?
Yeah, you were a-a year ahead of me.
You were one of the cool kids.
You had a fake I.D. in seventh grade
and you didn't have a curfew and you looked like that.
Everyone wanted to be your friend.
That sounds sweet.
Yeah.
You also gave me the nickname flimsy Lindsay.
It was right after I got knocked out in P.E. playing badminton.
Oh, wow.
How'd you get knocked out playing badminton?
Oh, I took a shuttlecock to the face.
Girl, you took a shuttlecock to the face, and I nicknamed you flimsy?
I think you got off okay there.
Lucky me. (Chuckles)
Anyway, I got over it eventually...
after college and some therapy.
Twice a week. Insurance covered it.
(Elevator bell dings) No biggie.
Oh, good. That's back.
Well, that's my ride.
Oh, you... you work here?
I just got hired at Remington Trust.
Hey, cool. I work downstairs.
So, we'll see each other every day.
Oh. Great.
I'm gonna go call Dr. Rothstein
and tell him... the good news.
Sir, I don't mean to bother you, but I just wanted to drop this off.
You're probably wondering what it is.
I'm good.
It's a scanner.
You just point and shoot at any object,
and... boop!...
You just ordered yourself some pens.
I'm revolutionizing all the systems downstairs.
In fact, if you were to call downstairs and get put on hold,
you'd probably hear something like this...
♪ don't you know things have changed ♪
♪ Things'll go your way ♪
♪ If you ho-hold on ♪
♪ Would you hold on? ♪
♪ Would you ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hold on ♪
♪ For one more day? ♪
M-m-m-mister... Mr. Moyer, Mr. Moyer.
What's up?
I-I just want you to know that I didn't stop you
because I don't love Wilson Phillips.
God almighty, I do.
But I-I also want you to know
that I do see how hard you're working around here,
what with the singing and ...and... and the boop gun.
Oh, thank you, sir.
It's just that... well, I don't care.
But, Mr. Mansfield.
No, no, no, no, no.
Three little words...
I...Don't... Care.
What the hell did you do to the supply closet?
You ruined my whole system.
What system is that? Piles of unrelated crap?
Yes.
The whole point was that nobody else could understand it.
That was my job security.
Yeah, why don't you slow down?
Mansfield can't even see you down here.
If he could, he would know that I lived here for most of 2010.
(Clipboard thuds) Look, haven't you guys ever heard
of taking pride in your work?
No. I don't understand the question.
Well, he's gonna make us obsolete.
I'd be losing my mind if I didn't have
the special stress remedies my doctor prescribed.
You know, Dr. Ganja's not a real doctor.
He got his degree from the university of cannabis.
Go to my guy. He's legit.
Dr. Doobie Howser.
Hey, buddy.
Uh, I don't know if you know what tomorrow is.
Oh, Mansfield's birthday.
He was born at 12:04 A.M. after a 36-hour labor.
His mother, Dolores, declined all anesthesia.
Rumor has it, he cut his own cord.
Yeah, it's also Wednesday.
Anyway, um, I don't want you to hear from anyone else.
I'm giving the toast this year.
Oh, my God.
That's, like, the highlight of Mansfield's year.
Are you freaked out?
Uh, I was until lady inspiration whispered this bad boy in my ear...
"Song parody."
D-don't look at me like that.
You're gonna love it. You know that song "9 to 5"?
I made it "5 to 9" because of the hours.
Because they're so long.
Well, here's a little message from lady reality.
"You're gonna get fired."
Look, there's an art to the Mansfield toast, okay?
I do it every year.
You have to take him on an emotional roller coaster.
You start with an off-color joke and then you hit him with some flattery,
then you push the envelope with something insulting,
and just when it's about to go too far, you suddenly turn sweet
and find the perfect metaphor to pull it all together.
Hey, come on. No speech can do all that.
Oh, really?
Well, here's the one I was working on for this year right before I got fired.
Let me see this.
Whoa! Can you say that?
Oh, that's sweet. (Chuckles)
(Gasps) You cannot go there!
(Voice breaking) That is the sweetest thing I ever heard.
(Normal voice) Oh, so he was the wind, you were the leaf.
Oh, my God. This is a good-ass speech, man.
Great. I'm completely screwed.
Not necessarily.
Look, Mansfield always schedules his surprises for 5:00.
So, at 5:02, I burst in from the elevator and give him my speech.
You step aside.
I show Mansfield the great connection we have, leaf and wind are reunited,
and you've given him the best gift a man can get...
The gift of Brody.
Derrick, let's go.
I made you a 4:20 appointment with Dr. Howser.
We're gonna go buy pot.
- Oh, hey, Lindsay. - (Gasps) Jenny!
What are you doing up here?
Earlier, you caught me totally off-guard.
I absolutely remember who you are.
You lived off of Sanborn, and you rode with your brother in the astro van.
No, that was my friend Terri, or, as you called her, hairy Terri.
In my defense...
She had full sideburns.
I guess everyone else just cut her some slack
you know, 'cause of the wheelchair.
Yes. The van.
Um, come on, though.
I mean, it's... it's not like I was one of those mean girls.
- Okay. - Don't just say, "okay."
What do you want me to say?
I want you to say that I'm not a mean girl.
I'll say whatever you want. You're scaring me.
I'm not scaring you, Lindsay!
I'm just saying that just because somebody makes up a couple nicknames,
that doesn't make them a mean girl.
What nickname?
Oh (chuckles) it's just some silly thing from childhood, sir.
Oh, come on. I love a good nickname.
Hell, I still answer to Ramrod.
So tell me.
Um, it's meaningless.
Nonsense.
Every person gets three names in this life...
The name your parents give you, the name you make for yourself,
and the name your friends give you.
And that's the name you have to embrace,
because that's the name that reflects how the world sees you.
So... so, tell me. What's the name?
Flimsy Lindsay.
Kids can be so cruel.
Hey, you guys don't think I'm a mean girl, do you?
No. Not at all. Don't hurt me if I say, "yeah."
Come on. Shut up, both of you.
So I made up a couple nicknames in high school.
That was a million years ago.
Three years ago, you gave me the nickname "Harvard"
because I went to an online community college,
and now nobody calls me by my real name.
Oh, my God, you guys. Maybe I am a mean girl.
Ugh. I don't know.
I guess I should get in contact with people from my high school.
I'll start with smelly Kelly.
This is gonna be a long day for me.
Check him out.
He hasn't done any work in like half an hour.
Yeah, about that.
See, I was getting a little anxious about Brody making me lose my job,
so I slowed him down by giving him one of my medicinal cookies.
Is that bad?
Potentially.
I also gave him two of my cookies.
So he's had three cookies?
And a hash waffle.
You don't understand.
A guy my size can handle one cookie.
He's like one of my legs in a suit.
(Chuckling) Is he gonna die?
No, but things may get freaky.
(Sighs)
Brody?
It seems certain people think you needed to mellow out a little bit,
so you might have accidentally been fed some cannabis.
What? You did this.
Okay, all right. That's the paranoia talking.
And, yeah, I did.
Don't worry. We got a method for managing this.
We're gonna need a quiet room, some popsicles,
and six hours of "reading rainbow."
No, guys, I-I don't have six hours.
I'm supposed to make a toast in 10 minutes, okay?
I need to sober up.
Well, I, um...
That is my pot coffee.
Together: Happy Birthday!
Son of a (laughs)
You guys!
Is that today?!
Well, let's get it over with.
I'm sure there's a, uh... a toast or... or... or something.
Mr. Wen?
Yeah, uh, I might have a little something.
Ah.
Uh, I was asking myself,
"what would Mr. Mansfield want most of all on his birthday?"
He'd like a damn toast.
(Elevator bell dings)
And he's gonna get it fro-o-o-m this dude.
Sir, would you like to say a few words?
Mr. Wen?
Okay. Uh...
I know we all work crazy hours up here, huh?
Yeah.
Some people might even say we work from 5:00 to 9:00.
(Chuckles)
("9 to 5" plays)
Come on, Brody. You can do this.
It's just mind over matter.
Come on. You were top of your class at Harvard.
Tip top. (Chuckles)
Tip top, tip top. (Chuckling) Tip top.
Are you going to press a button, or...
Yeah. I'm on it. Chillax.
Don't let her see you weak.
Remember... you're better than her.
Better than who?
She can read minds.
♪ Fi-I-I-ve to-o-o ni-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-ne ♪
(Breathing heavily)
Thank you. Thanks, guys.
Man, you guys have been a lot of fun.
Um... E-enough, enough. Enough.
Mr. Wen, not only have you disappointed me in a profound way,
but you have also butchered the words of national treasure Dolly Parton.
And for that, Ramrod can never forgive.
(Whistles)
Back to work. Let's go.
What the hell, Brody?
♪ Want to make you turn around and say goodbye ♪
♪ Until then, baby ♪
♪ Are you gonna let them hold you down and make you cry? ♪
How'd you get these charts to be animated?
That's awesome.
I didn't.
Yeah, no. Yeah, you did. Look. They're dancing.
Well, I should get upstairs.
It's Mansfield's birthday, and I've avoided it as long as I can.
I'm not great at parties.
I don't blink enough.
It makes people uncomfortable.
(Gasps) Oh, no! Mansfield's toast!
Mmm, toast.
I'm hungry.
I don't think you're in any condition to see Mansfield right now.
I mean, he hates you enough as it is.
- He does? - Oh, yeah.
Every time your name comes up,
he clenches his jaw and does one-arm push-ups.
One time, I could swear I saw him do a no-arm push-up.
I just kept walking.
He hates me.
That's fantastic!
Why don't we go see our little friends at the emergency room?
No, no, no. You don't understand.
I thought he felt nothing, but hate means he cares.
And if he cares, he can love me again.
I got to go see him.
I don't think now is the best time.
My mind has never been clearer, mom.
Okay, you're gonna thank me for this later.
No!
Lindsay! Yoo-hoo!
Lindsay! Come on, come on, come on.
Lindsay, come here!
Um, can I talk to you for a second?
Just so you know, I have pepper spray.
Well, breath spray.
Okay, it's gum.
Please, just give me a minute.
Look, um, I-I want to apologize to you.
I think maybe I was a mean girl in high school,
and I know that you think I had it easy because I was pretty and so popular
and I had all of those dates.
This is the worst apology ever.
What I'm trying, uh, to say is that high school sucked for me, too.
My dad wasn't around.
I mean, actually, he was around...
Just with his other family.
And, uh, my mom and I lived in an RV.
(Chuckles)
That's why I didn't have a curfew,
because I wasn't always sure where she parked the house.
Wow.
Anyway, um, if I was mean to you,
I'm... I'm sorry.
And it was probably 'cause I didn't feel great about myself.
It's okay. It could've been worse.
I mean, I did get hit in the face with a shuttlecock,
and you didn't give me the obvious nickname.
Yeah. Shuttle face.
(Chuckles) Well, anyway...
I think in some ways, you actually helped me.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, if you and your horrible friends had invited me to even one party,
I wouldn't have spent all high school studying.
And then I wouldn't have gone to M.I.T., and I wouldn't be here.
So I'm kind of a hero.
Okay, "hero" might be kind of a strong word.
(Laughs)
So, what do you say? Friends?
Sure. Why not? (Chuckles)
Could be fun being friends with a mean girl.
Oh, totally. (Chuckles)
Why aren't you blinking?
Mr. Mansfield.
I'm all stocked up on paper clips, so you can holster your boop gun
and mosey on back downstairs.
Actually, uh, sir, I just wanted to give you this.
It's the toast I was gonna give you yesterday.
Not interested. Do not care.
See, I think you do care.
In fact, I happen to know that you hate me,
and that's how I know I still have a shot.
You have no shot because I feel nothing.
You don't have to say it if you're not ready.
But when you're ready,
it's just three words...
I...Hate... You.
I don't hate you!
Again, I nothing you!
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(Chuckles)
That's bawdy.
Oh, you g-go on. Get out of here, ya brown-noser!
Now tha-tha-tha-tha-tha-that's too far.
Son of a bitch.
I'm the wind.
I hate that kid.
Get it together, Ramrod.
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