Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen. www.addic7ed.com
All right, I'm ready.
A whole new look for a whole new job.
You look fantastic...
And also exactly the same.
Excuse me? My lapels are thin.
My pocket square's asymmetrical.
And my socks have dollar signs on them.
This is my new, fun look from the new, fun Brody collection.
It's super fun.
But if you want to have a fun-gasm, I suggest taking off that tie.
No tie?
I'm going to work, not a beach wedding.
Boy, Mansfield would blow a gasket if he saw me like this.
But he won't see you because you don't work for him anymore, right?
First day, fresh start, leaving all that behind you.
You know what? Losing the tie.
God, I am such a badass.
Ooh.
Where did Brody go, and how long have you been out of prison, killer?
You know, Mansfield did give me this tie
on our fifth anniversary of working together.
Do you remember what I gave you on our six-month anniversary?
No, but I do remember wearing this tie.
Just so you know, today is not the day to mess with me.
Someone in the lobby just told me that my tie
makes me look like a million bucks.
Isn't that a compliment?
Not when you're worth what I'm worth!
You know what that crankiness is about?
He misses Brody... Which means there's an opportunity for somebody
to step up big.
I hear you. I'm totally ready for it.
Not yome.
I'm gonna make Mansfield forget all about Brody.
There. That's, uh... that's much better.
That's right, sir. You look like $5 million...
$20 million...
$100 million?
There you go!
Awesome. What does that feel like?
Like a dragon.
Well, uh, you are gonna feel even more like a dragon
when you know that our investment in precious metals is up 6%.
Now, who was pushing for a larger stake
in precious metals? Just a show of hands.
If that was you, just go ahead and raise your hand.
Anybody who did it ...show of hands.
It was me.
Ahh. Good job, Brody.
Well, that was weird.
We were sharing a nice moment, and he called out another dude's name.
Been there.
Hey, guys.
Oh, Harvard, why are you wearing a turtleneck?
Because I know that you hate them,
and now that we're no longer in a relationship, I can do whatever I want.
First of all, we were never in a relationship.
Second of all, I told you not to wear turtlenecks
because it's 100 degrees down here.
Well, that's the price of freedom...
1,000 hot hands grabbing at my throat.
Harvard, instead of worrying about what I think,
maybe you should try and move on, you know?
You're a great guy.
You should put yourself out there, meet people.
Where do you... where do you go to meet people?
Work.
Walked right into that one, didn't I?
Look, you've got to get on this new dating app, pynchr.
It's a great way to meet high-quality women.
You get a pinch. You get a pinch.
Ooh, girl, you get a three-finger pinch!
I don't know about that.
I was on pynchr for, like, maybe a day.
It's... it's basically a delivery system for dick pics.
There's a lot of crazies out there.
You got to be selective.
Pinch, pinch, pinch. P-pinch, pinch, pinch!
I don't know.
Online dating just seems so pathetic.
Well, let me know when you're ready.
I'm ready. I think I'm ready. Yeah, I'm in.
All right, give me your phone. Okay.
Now give me a smile. Okay.
All we need now is a username that sums up everything about you in one word.
"Turtleneck lover."
Boom... you're officially on pynchr.
Oh, this is so exciting. What happens next?
Well, you know, you got to be patient.
These things don't just happen right away.
Oh, I got one.
I got one right away.
Oh, meet the future Mrs. schrake.
She is wearing a turtleneck.
She's bald.
And she's a penis.
Oh, there he is.
How's it going, gorgeous?
It's great. It's good to be here, Mr. McCabe.
Listen, the only "mister" in this office is Mr. coffee.
Ah, not really.
Actually, we have a very expensive Italian coffee maker.
His name's Roberto, and you can call me Jasper.
Open 'Em up.
What's happening?
I'm hugging you. I'm your boss.
Didn't you hug your last boss?
Oh, no, no, no. He wasn't a hugger.
He patted me on the back once, and I lost a filling.
Come on. Bring it in. Okay.
Come on. Yeah.
Uh-oh. You are just a bundle of knots.
Teemu!
What's a teemu?
Teemu is our resident masseur.
Oh, uh, I'm not really a massage guy.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Teemu, stop.
I never said goodbye to my Nana.
Yeah. Teemu brings stuff up.
Oh.
You're gonna love it here.
35-hour weeks, 6 weeks paid vacation.
And if you're interested, we got a spot on our kickball team...
the wolves of ball street.
Anyway, you are gonna fit in here perfectly. Yeah.
I only wish I'd started sooner. I'm glad you didn't.
I mean, if you hadn't put your time in at Remington Trust,
you wouldn't be my secret weapon.
You're gonna help me strip your boy Mansfield for parts.
I'm gonna what, now?
With my looks and your looks and your intel,
that company's got six months, tops.
By the way, side note, love the outfit.
It makes you seem fun.
No, no, no, no. You don't understand.
I-I can't take down Mansfield.
He's my... teemu, not now.
Goodbye, Nana.
Quality work, Ms. Harris. You are a star.
Hell, if they gave me red hair, bangs, glasses,
took a foot off my height, and made me a woman,
it'd be just like I was looking in a mirror.
Thank you, sir.
Ow! Aah!
My ears are popping from climbing up the corporate ladder too fast.
How do you handle him so well?
Every time I try to connect with him, it just backfires.
Once, I tried to talk to him at a urinal,
but he was peeing so hard, I couldn't go.
He had his hands like this.
It was like superman putting out a fire.
Look, Mansfield is like a predator,
so I use a technique the circus uses to train lions.
They hold out a stool with three legs because a predator gets confused
by three different points of focus.
Okay, there's no way that works.
Mr. wen, I still don't have those numbers from Singapore.
Do you realize, if I was an inch taller, had black hair,
and was a complete incompetent,
it'd be just like I was looking in the goddamn mirror?
Mr. Mansfield, uh, here are yesterday's numbers,
the wall street journal, and starburst candy.
Numbers, journal, candy.
Uh...
Uh... Oh, quality work, Ms. Harris.
Quality work.
All right, that's 24. Wow.
I can't believe how many uncircumcised penises there are in San Francisco.
Guys are so gross.
It's, like, we don't want to see a picture of your...
oh, that one looks like it's smiling.
Thank you, Jenny.
Not only have you broken my heart, you've made me ashamed
that I can't get my private part to smile.
Harvard, come on. You can still do this.
I've tried.
The most I can do is get it to look surprised.
No, we need to make you a profile that's gonna attract a woman.
Give me this.
Okay.
This picture that... that Derrick took of you...
it's a little person-of-interest-y.
Yeah, like in a good way.
No. Not in a good way.
Um, so let's just take a new one. Okay?
Okay. Yeah. Something more welcoming.
You know, try just smiling, all right?
Yes.
Okay. Like a real smile.
Yeah. Like a real-person smile.
Yeah, that's right. Okay? Okay.
You're not a scary clown, right?
Not a... not a demon.
Not like a demon.
Try laughing.
Stop. Harvard!
Okay! I don't know what to do.
Okay.
That's okay. That's all right.
Hey, do you remember when Brody got fired?
Yeah.
There it is.
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Hey, babe. How's the new job?
It's a slightly different vibe than I'm used to.
Hey.
Thanks, angel.
Yeah, but how great is it not to constantly have to stress about Mansfield?
Oh, so great. Look, about Mansfield...
Brody, are you seriously talking about him right now?
They want to use me to take him down.
So what? You don't owe him anything.
He's your ex-boss. Listen to yourself.
I'm so worried about my ex-boss.
You always make me sound super nasally when you do your Brody impression.
Harvard does a really good one. You want me to put him on?
No, I-I just don't know what to do.
Honey, just do your job.
But I'm such a big douche.
Harvard, get off the line.
He's given me so much. Harvard!
That was me.
Mr. Mansfield, are you busy?
If I'm at work, I'm busy.
Otherwise, I'd be at home with my beautiful wife, doing things on our veranda
that are none of your goddamn business.
Well, I, uh, brought you these...
the, uh, majorca report, the holcomb numbers, and...
oh, my God, I forgot the third thing.
Why are you showing me two things?
When people show me two things at once, it just makes me mad as hell.
I'm not trying to, sir.
I swear. I... when you get angry,
it reminds me of when my dad would get angry.
And, I mean, one time I failed a math test,
and he sent me to stay with my grandparents for the weekend,
and the cemetery's a lonely place for a 9-year-old.
Ah, shoot.
My father was a real son of a bitch, too.
Mr. wen, won't you... won't you please come on over here and...
and... and take a load off. Have... have... have a seat.
You know, I-I realize that I don't really know anything about you,
other than the fact that you are intimidated by my stream.
You know, Mr. wen, I've never told you this,
but whenever I look at you, I think to myself, "that's ..."
Mr. Mansfield!
Mr. Moyer!
Real quick, I think you were gonna give me a compliment.
Out!
Boy, look at you.
I'm actually here on business.
I have some news, and you're not gonna like it.
Oh, it sounds serious. Why don't you go ahead and have a seat?
Nice try. I worked for you for five years.
I know you give your rival the shorter chair
so you can have the higher ground.
Oh. I forgot you knew that trick.
Yeah, well, I know all your tricks.
Damn it.
You do not want to get into a pissing match with me.
Go ahead and ask Mr. wen about that one.
Look, this isn't a pissing match.
I came here to warn you that Jasper McCabe
is gonna strip you down, piece by piece.
Thank you for the warning. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some work to do.
And I assume, by your lack of a tie, you're late for a luau!
Mr. Mansfield, you're not taking me seriously.
You're right.
I'm not, because you are just a boy playing pretend,
and I won't indulge you anymore, so go back to your new babysitter
and tell him that I am not afraid of him.
Yeah? Well, you should be.
Because he has something you don't have... me.
I know all your company's weaknesses.
I know which clients are unhappy, which assets are underperforming.
If you don't believe me, it's all in here.
And you can tell I wrote it because I crossed my sevens the European way.
How dare you come in here and threaten me
with your bare neck and your French sevens?
This is not a threat. These are facts.
We're gonna take you down, sir.
Now, you could sell. You could retire.
That's up to you.
I'm just giving you a heads-up as a courtesy
because we have a history together.
This is my boss. I'm gonna take this.
Why don't you have a look at those numbers?
When I come back, you can thank me.
Yeah.
My boy's all grown-up.
What do you think's going on in there?
I don't know, but Brody's been in there a long time,
and people are starting to panic.
You know, what they need is an inspirational speech from a leader.
I'll give it a shot.
But the more nervous I get...
...The lower my voice gets.
I'm talking about me, okay? I'm Mansfield's next in command.
Watch and learn.
Hey, guys, calm down!
Let me handle this.
Put the office supplies down.
You have 10 seconds to comply.
No, no, no, calling me handsome is fine.
But when you talk about my tushy, it's just a little weird.
All right, I'll see you soon.
Was that Jenny?
Yeah, let's go with that.
You know, I, uh...
I finally understand what you're doing here.
Sorry I had to lay it out that way.
You want your old job back.
What? No. Why would you think I want my job back?
Well, because you're here. You could have e-mailed me this.
You could have messengered it to me.
But, obviously, you're here because you need me.
I don't need you, okay?
If anyone needs anyone, you need me.
I don't need you.
Oh, yeah? Who's your second in command?
I have options.
Everybody, calm down!
Not great options.
Guess what.
I met someone on pynchr, and it's all because of you.
Stop, no, that could have been anyone
that helped you with that, but it wasn't. It was me!
So, what's she like? Well, she's beautiful.
Oh, yeah? We have a lot of common interests.
Oh, yeah?
And she's a Nigerian princess.
Oh, no.
Yeah, yeah, right now,
her money's tied up in this kind of weird legal situation.
But she told me that with my help, she can make both of us rich.
Oh, my God. Harvard, you didn't mail her any money, did you?
Jenny, it's 2014.
I wired her the money.
Oh, my God, Derrick, Harvard's being catfished.
No kidding.
Nigerian princess. Is he high?
The Nigerian monarchy was abolished in 1963.
Oh, God, it was so much easier when he was dating a penis.
You know, I came back here because,
for some stupid reason, I thought I owed you something,
but you're such a... you know what? Never mind.
No, no. I-I-I want to hear it. You said I'm "such a..."
I want to hear what kind of "such a" I am.
I'm not gonna say.
Why not? You don't work for me anymore, as you've taken pains to point out.
Let me have it.
Okay, fine! You are such a stubborn, ego-driven bastard.
You are willing to let your company sink
'cause you are too proud to be vulnerable.
And by the way, you let me leave...
me, who's been like a son to you,
and because I hurt your feelings.
Grow up!
Wow. I am so far out on a limb right now.
Are you done?
Yeah, I just feel like I ran a fricking marathon.
Do you have a banana or something?
I'm starting to cramp up.
You don't... you don't get to come in here and...
and yell at me and then ask for a banana...
...even if you are right.
I'm sorry. What?
My ears are still ringing from...
I said, "you're right."
It was a mistake to push you away, and I-I do need you,
and I-I don't blame you at all if you don't want to come back.
Well, of course I want to come back.
Ha! I knew it!
What?!
Okay.
Why would you do that?
Oh, you just said so yourself.
I'm a stubborn bastard. Now let's cut to the Chase.
What, uh... what's it gonna take to get you back?
20% raise. Done.
A partnership track. Done.
And one more thing.
Bring it in.
Not done.
All right. It's a deal-breaker.
All right. First and...
first and last time, then.
Okay, you were right. This is actually really weird.
Yeah.
This is the worst.
Look, Harvard, we need to talk about this Nigerian princess.
Beth?
Yes. Beth, the Nigerian princess.
There is a chance... and by a chance, I mean a 100% chance...
that she doesn't exist.
Then whose PayPal account did I just send my money to?
My God, Harvard.
How can you be so...
so smart about some things and so dumb about love?
It's like when it comes to relationships, you just get delusional.
Says the girl who broke off our engagement.
This is exactly what I'm talking about.
If Derrick came to you, and he told you that he met
a Nigerian princess online, what would you say to him?
That he's being ridiculous because Nigeria
hasn't had a monarchy... since 1963.
Oh, my God.
I'm such an idiot.
She was using me for my turtleneck and my great smile.
Someday, you are gonna meet the perfect person,
and... and she may not be royalty,
but she will be a great speller and actually exist, okay?
Hey.
Please don't give up.
Why do you even care?
Because I'm your friend, and I love you... as a friend.
As a friend, friend, friend, friend, friend.
Okay. So, you're saying that we are friends?
Yes, Harvard, I've always been your friend.
Can you be my friend?
Yes.
Yeah? Yes, I can.
Okay.
Our bodies are one.
Okay, friends don't say that.
It was crazy. I was in the zone.
I was like, "grow up, old man!"
You called Mansfield "old man"?
Honestly, I don't remember. It was a blur.
Welcome back, Brody.
We've already got you back in the system. Oh.
And since Jenny and I are now friends,
I went ahead and made you your brand-new I.D. Badge as a peace offering.
Wow. That's so sweet.
Why am I bald and wearing a turtleneck?
Okay. That's real nice.
You got the smiley one.
Well, did somebody say, "drinks on Brody"?
I did. Let's go.
Hey, you're Lindsay, right?
You remembered my name.
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