All right, people, this is it.
In 72 hours,
I get to watch my eldest daughter get married
on a private island known only to tax evaders, yacht captains,
and sea turtles.
I'm so excited.
Thank you so much for the plus one.
You got a plus one?
Did everyone get a plus one? Because I did not.
Well, i-in fairness, you are chronically single,
and I just figured you wouldn't have anyone to bring,
and I didn't want to embarrass you.
Thank you, sir. This is much less embarrassing.
This time tomorrow,
I'll be in a tropical paradise surrounded by the ones I love.
It's going to be, well, perfect.
Ooh. Who's there?
- Brody. - Brody who?
Brody who...
got caught in a joke he didn't mean to start.
I'm not following this at all.
Well, I knocked for good luck
because you said it was gonna be perfect.
I don't believe in luck. I-I make my own luck.
- But that sign says "Lucky." - Yes.
And I made that sign.
Mr. Mansfield, look, your island's on the news.
Is that a volcano?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
They've been making noise
about that volcano erupting for years.
They'll be talking about it for another thousand.
And there she blows!
See? That's why I always knock wood.
Yes, I see your point.
Because that's just exactly how tectonic plates work.
A man knocks on a table in San Francisco,
and the vibrations calm a distant volcano.
Hell, if only the ancient Romans had had that science,
I'd be having the wedding in Pompeii.
Change this goddamn sign.
Thank you. It's here, you guys!
The most expensive thing I've ever gotten in the mail.
I even got insurance for it.
Now even mail needs insurance?
Ha ha. Thanks, Obama.
It's Brody's birthday present.
I've never gotten him a real present before,
and now I finally did, and it's perfect!
Is it inside the pen?
No. It is the pen.
This is a Duxbury phase one pen,
and I'm not even gonna tell you how much it cost.
$300.
Does it write in dragon's blood?
No.
I mean, maybe. I don't know.
Well, who buys pens anymore?
Pens are free down here, okay?
Just like the laptops.
You can take as many as you like.
They gonna keep bringing more.
That's why I got Mansfield's daughter
three of them for her wedding.
How did you even get invited?
Look, if you don't want me to come to the party,
don't put me in charge of the invitations, okay?
Lindsay just texted me.
Mansfield's island just sank.
Thanks, Obama.
Ah, Ms. Harris.
Do you know any good travel agents?
Uh, let me just get in my time machine
and set it to "When travel agents were a thing."
That's very funny, Ms. Harris.
Uh, let me set your rewards
to "You are my new travel agent."
My wife always does our travel planning,
but she is stuck in a plane
circling over the world's largest bowl of turtle soup.
What do you need?
400 rooms, world-class entertainment, and food.
The perfect place for a last-minute wedding.
Did somebody say Vegas?
No, Mr. Wen,
but I do appreciate you using my daughter's wedding
as a chance for you to live out your fantasy
of hooking up with a tipsy midwestern divorcee
by the pai gow table who "Never does this kind of thing."
Pai gow. Thank you, sir.
This whole time I've been trolling Keno.
Okay, so, I know it's not your actual birthday,
but I got you a present.
What would you want more
than anything in the whole world?
- Uh...Heather. - Your ex-girlfriend?
I mean, she's cute, but I'm -- I'm not into that.
No, no, no. Look!
I'm back, everybody! Ha ha!
There they are!
- Hey, heather. - I thought you were gone forever.
Shouldn't you be running the Hong Kong office?
You know, doing the job I turned down?
Oh, that was nine months ago. I'm done.
And you know what's funny?
If you had taken that job,
you would have gotten a promotion and be back by now.
That is funny. That's so funny.
Oh, it was the best nine months of my life.
I doubled our first-year projections.
And now it sounds like I'm bragging, which I'm not.
I'm just trying to be honest
about how hard I crushed it because I crushed it hard!
Yeah, well, uh, Brody's been crushing it
pretty darn hard here, too. Right, hon?
Oh, yeah, yeah. So hard.
I mean, I got my desk back.
And, uh...Uh... Put this in a frame.
Oh. So... Um...
Oh! I'm on the partnership track.
I made partner when I took over the Hong Kong office.
Because I crushed it so hard.
Man, this just keeps getting funnier.
Of course, work isn't everything.
I mean, look at you two! Engaged.
Well, technically --
- Never. - No.
Living together?
Pretty much. I mean, like --
- Like roommates. - Not -- more like roommates.
Oh. Ha ha. Sounds like you've got it all figured out.
Well, I got you a little something for your birthday.
And don't get excited. It's really nothing.
A Duxbury phase two pen?
I've always wanted one of these.
Apparently, it makes the old phase one pen
look like a stick of garbage.
I'm gonna go get settled.
It was really great seeing you two.
Hey, welcome back, Heather.
AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back Million Dollar Sunday Tournament every Sunday
Hey, Heather.
Oh, hey, Kyle.
Uh, Threepeat.
The last time you were here,
we got into this dynamic
where you kind of made me my assistant,
and it wasn't great for me.
And now you're sitting at my desk.
oh, my god. I am so sorry.
- you must hate me. - Nah. It's bygones.
Oh, could you get that?
Sure. Hello?
It's Ms. Chen for you?
Ugh, take a message.
Miss Doyle is unavailable.
Actually, I have her calendar right here.
The 7th is going to be tight. Let's do dinner on the 8th. Great.
You know, my mom's birthday's coming up.
Can you get her something nice?
- She loves pink. - I remember.
It's happening again.
So, I have to ask you something,
- And I know it won't be easy to answer. - Yes.
If you had gone to Hong Kong instead of Heather,
you would be a partner right now.
But there's no use looking behind
at the terrible choices you've made.
Better to look forward at the consequences
of the terrible choices you've made.
Don't give it a second thought.
I have something much more important in mind for you.
I need someone I trust to hang on to some wedding essentials.
There is, of course, the -- the marriage license,
a hard drive with a tear-jerking photo montage
of my daughter growing up --
There's a photo in there of her in her first Halloween costume.
She was a little sunflower.
I swore I wasn't gonna cry.
And now she's getting married.
Well, you son of a bitch,
you didn't have to bring that up!
And of course, the ring.
I was expecting a little more blinding.
Now, Ms. Harris has booked us into a resort in the Alps.
She's switched all our airline flights.
There's nothing that can stop us now.
Sir, there's been an avalanche at the resort.
I asked about the lodge.
My German isn't great,
but I believe the expression they used
was "Eaten by the mountain."
Damn it. All right, new destination.
N-no more islands, no more mountains.
I need something that's hot, flat, and dry.
Vegas!
No.
Okay.
Hey, beardmuffin.
So, change of plans. No more Alps.
Apparently, Mansfield is taking us
to a private game reserve in South Africa.
Yeah, of course he is.
Rich white people hunting us for sport.
Yeah, that's how my cousin died.
- Really? - Well, drug overdose.
But that's what he thought was happening.
Hey, everybody!
This is so silly,
but my I.D. badge says "Employee"
when really it should say "Partner," like yours does.
Hey, if you don't want me to have a title,
don't put me in charge of the I.D.s!
So, whatcha doing?
I'm looking for a birthday present for Brody.
I had this really amazing idea,
and then a thoughtless person casually ruined it.
Oh, that's a bitch.
Yeah, I thought so too.
Well, if it helps any,
he really liked that pen I got him.
Oh, that helps less than you'd think.
Oh! You should check out his myspace page.
Back when I knew him,
he used to post lists of things he wanted.
Brody still has a myspace page?
Yeah, you can't delete that.
All your youthful mistakes frozen forever.
It's like the tramp stamp of the Internet.
Oh, my god. That's Brody?
Why is he wearing a Russian hat?
That's his hair. Oh!
Oh, here we go.
"30 things I want to do before I'm 30.
"Partner at major financial firm,
Own a beach house..."
"Get married."
Thank you. Saw that.
"Get in the ring with a UFC fighter"? Mm-hmm.
"Swim with dolphins." Aww.
Are these still things you really want to do?
Well, I no longer want to date Lindsay Lohan.
Wow. I haven't done a single thing on here.
Well, then this is your birthday present.
A depressing list of abandoned dreams?
No, no.
We're gonna do one of these things on this list.
- Anything you want. - Okay.
"Make partner, own a beach house, get married..."
Page two. Anything on page two?
Look, I -- my birthday is this weekend.
I don't think we could do any of these things on a game reserve.
The game reserve is out.
Apparently there was an incident with a lion
which spooked the elephants, which angered the gibbons,
who attacked the caterers.
It was like some hellish Dr. Seuss story.
Bottom line is, there is only one place
that this wedding can take place.
Vegas!
Damn right, Vegas.
Jenny, we're here.
I don't want to get out.
It's my first time in a limo,
and I got to ride forwards and backwards
And stick my head out the window.
Great, I'm dating a golden retriever.
I love Caesars.
It's like -- it's like coming home.
You've stayed here before, sir?
No. But it reminds me of my house, with...
well, with fewer statues.
So, this is it, huh?
The birthplace of the Caesar salad.
How am I sunburned already?
I'm wearing SPF 200.
Caesars Palace,
the classiest place in Las titty Vegas!
You know, I don't think they like it when you call it that.
They didn't seem to mind in Lake titty Tahoe.
That's fine, I got it.
Okay, Mr. Mansfield.
I have you in our very best suite.
Yes.
With the very best view.
Yes.
And the wedding is in our second-largest ballroom.
Y-- no!
I got our keys.
Now let's go upstairs and play emperor and slave girl.
But I get to be the emperor this time, okay?
Ms. Harris, someone has already booked the very best ballroom.
I need you to help me get it back.
Do I have to?
Yes.
This'll be fast.
Wait, I thought I was gonna get to be a slave girl!
Oh, ding, ding, ding, ding!
Oh, look at all the colors and the noises!
Press your buttons, get your cheese.
You're all a bunch of hamsters on a wheel.
A wheel of losers!
It's impossible to win, people.
Winner!
Oh, Derrick, not you.
Damn right me.
I'm up $200. And if I hit a hard eight,
I'm buying lap dances for everybody!
From the strip club by the airport
where the girls wear sweats.
Come on, daddy.
- Seven out! - Damn!
This table was hot until you got here.
Good. I hate greedy people.
There should be a way to bet against them.
You can if you bet don't come,
but nobody does that
'cause everybody at the table will hate your ass.
All right, well, then I'm in.
Dealer, go ahead and put me on the don't come --
How do you say it without giggling?
There is three large.
$5 is the minimum bet.
Well, then there is two more large.
New shooter.
So, what do I do?
Throw the dice.
Okay.
Now what happens?
Throw the dice on the table.
Okay.
Two, craps, two!
Pay the don't come.
Look at that. You won.
Winning's not important.
The important thing is that all these people lose.
Hey, pal, why don't you pipe down?
Give me his money.
12, craps!
Oh, your booing only makes me want to crap more.
Well, that was a total bust.
We didn't get one thing crossed off my list.
Yeah, I know. I thought we were gonna have luck
swimming with the dolphins,
but those dolphins just looked too sad.
It's almost like they don't love living in the desert.
You know what? Why don't we just forget this list?
No. It's your damn birthday,
and I'm getting you the perfect damn present, okay?
So you just hang tight while I get you...
to join a boy band?
I was young and a tenor.
I thought it was a career path for me.
- I'll figure something out. - Okay.
Heather?
- Heather! - Hit me!
But...
There's no one here. What's going on?
Oh, I must have dozed off.
It started happening in Hong Kong.
The hours were crazy.
Were you just crying?
Did that happen again?
I don't even notice anymore.
Oh, my god. I could've been you.
Oh, you couldn't have handled the pressure.
Sorry it took so long.
The hotel did not have rum from barbados.
Neither did the one next door. But the rio had it.
Does it come in any other colors?
Yeah. Let me just zip across the interstate and find out.
I understand that you have booked the augustus ballroom
for a bar mitzvah.
But you see, I've promised my daughter
the very best for her wedding.
I don't know what you know about little girls, but...
I have a little sister. She's weird.
Little girls are weird.
But I assure you, you'll treasure her someday.
They grow up so very fast.
I actually have a picture of my daughter
dressed up for Halloween in a
little sunflower...
Tomorrow I become a man,
and I want to do it in the augustus ballroom.
Fair enough. Well, I can cut you a very big check.
I don't need money. My dad's an orthodontist.
Oh, good. Good.
Then he can help fix your teeth!
Sir, if I may, I have a nephew his age.
Get it done.
Listen you little shit...
...This is my first real vacation,
and I will not have you ruin it for me.
Now if I'm not locked in a dark room
doing very weird things with my boyfriend very soon,
someone is going to get hurt.
Now, what is this going to take?
It's done.
How much?
50 bucks.
Today, I am a man.
This damn sure stays in Vegas.
I did it!
I did it. I got you something from your list.
Babe, it's totally fine.
I saw what making partner did to Heather,
and I realized none of that is important.
I have you. Nothing else matters.
I got you a fight with a UFC guy!
That matters so much!
I met him at the bar.
I gave him 25 bucks and three shots of tequila.
Uh, wait a second.
You got me a drunk UFC fighter
to fight me in my room?
- Yeah! You guys have fun. - Okay.
So, don't hold back?
Hold back just a little bit.
Okay, uh, little bit more.
Babe?!
Mom!
Seven out!
Don't hate the player, hate yourselves.
Hey, look me in the eye when you lose.
Sorry that took so long.
Wait, you gamble?
No. I just take all their money.
I've been letting it ride on the don't come.
Oh. Every single time.
All right, I'm done.
Coloring out, 260.
All right. I won $260.
Harvard... You won $260,000.
Las titty Vegas!
Stay away from us!
To the birthday boy.
Hear, hear.
Thanks, guys.
How does it look?
It gives your face character.
Just go ahead and stay the hell out of the wedding photos, will you?
This was the best birthday gift ever.
Except for last year,
because that was the day I met you.
Awww. Oh, this is our anniversary.
Look, if you forgot, it's no big deal.
I have something very special planned.
I did not forget.
I've got something really special planned, too.
It's, um... It's right upstairs.
So I'm just gonna go special it up.
Hey, Mr. Mansfield.
These are my good friends Galaxy and Millennium.
I want to know,
how do I go about turning my plus one into a plus two?
I don't recall inviting you at all.
All right, ladies, I tried.
Time to get your asses back on the airport shuttle.
Come on.
Look at that.
The hour has turned disgusting.
I'm going to go ahead and head up to my room.
My wife and daughter come tomorrow morning.
And I'm gonna go see what Jenny's specialed up.
You know, I think I really pulled this wedding off.
It's going to be... Perfect.
Yeah, well, if anybody needs me,
I'll be trolling the recently divorced talent
at the pai gow tables.
There you are!
Why?
You told me that you were gonna wake me up at 11:00,
And it is now 11:03!
What kind of assistant are you?
I'm not your assistant, okay?
Why do you have to be so mean?
I used to think that you were this gorgeous, together person,
but you're awful.
So this stops now.
This stops soon.
Okay, like five more minutes,
and then we're gonna, like, ramp it down, okay?
Come on, Kyle.
So dumb.
Condoms, condoms.
Oh my god.
He's gonna ask me to marry him.
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