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2
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Brad, come on,
let's go! Hurry up!
3
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Hey, quiet down.
4
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Your mom's up there
trying to write that speech.
5
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She's been working on
that speech for two weeks.
6
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When is she gonna finish?
7
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Maybe never if she doesn't
get some peace and quiet.
8
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(whispers) Quiet.
9
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(whispers) OK, OK.
10
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Brad!
11
00:01:31,024 --> 00:01:34,037
Shh, quiet. What are you doing?
12
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Going to the park to
play Blade Warriors.
13
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Blade Warriors? I don't
like the sound of that.
14
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I've got the net. Let's go.
15
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Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait. Here.
16
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What's the net for?
17
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(both) Nothing.
18
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These are not "nothing" faces.
19
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This would be a nothing face...
20
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Yeah.
21
00:01:58,385 --> 00:02:00,263
No, no. Come here, come here.
22
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You guys wouldn't be
thinking of going to the park
23
00:02:02,823 --> 00:02:06,136
and snagging kids
in this net, would ya?
24
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:07,270
Good idea, Dad.
25
00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:08,305
Yeah.
26
00:02:08,329 --> 00:02:10,340
Bad idea. Net stays here.
27
00:02:10,364 --> 00:02:14,032
Brad, I buy safety equipment. I
intend for you to use it, all right?
28
00:02:15,169 --> 00:02:16,679
Is that cologne you're wearing?
29
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This is the stuff you
bought at the car wash.
30
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That's air freshener.
31
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That came with some mud
flaps. You smell like a pina colada.
32
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He's wearing it for
Jennifer Sadarski.
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Yeah. Whoa!
34
00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:33,696
Take care of your brother!
35
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:36,600
Jill, I thought you were
working on that library speech?
36
00:02:36,624 --> 00:02:38,502
I came down to get
something to eat,
37
00:02:38,526 --> 00:02:41,471
and I noticed the
refrigerator light was out.
38
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So?
39
00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:44,608
So I happen to think
it's very important
40
00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:46,909
to have a nice,
bright refrigerator light.
41
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Jill, you're
procrastinating again.
42
00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:51,615
I am not procrastinating.
43
00:02:51,639 --> 00:02:53,283
Ew, look at this refrigerator.
44
00:02:53,307 --> 00:02:56,219
It's filthy. I have
to clean this now.
45
00:02:56,243 --> 00:02:58,355
Jill, why did you agree
to give this speech?
46
00:02:58,379 --> 00:02:59,956
Because I wanna give the speech.
47
00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:02,192
Then why aren't
you working on it?
48
00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:04,361
Because I had to replace
the refrigerator light.
49
00:03:04,385 --> 00:03:06,163
Jill, this is an honor.
50
00:03:06,187 --> 00:03:09,533
Who was it that raised
more than $4,000...
51
00:03:09,557 --> 00:03:10,967
$7,000.
52
00:03:10,991 --> 00:03:13,803
$7,000 for the new computer
system for the library?
53
00:03:13,827 --> 00:03:15,505
I did.
54
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:16,939
Who got the volunteers
to collect money,
55
00:03:16,963 --> 00:03:18,708
including a hundred
bucks out of me?
56
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I did.
57
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Who's the perfect
person for the speech?
58
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Somebody else.
59
00:03:23,837 --> 00:03:26,115
Jill, it's just a
two-minute speech.
60
00:03:26,139 --> 00:03:29,752
Yeah, but it's to 250 people.
61
00:03:29,776 --> 00:03:33,456
You're making a lot more
out of this than it really is.
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That's easy for you to say. You do
this for a living. It doesn't bother you.
63
00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:39,751
You love attention, and
you have a big mouth.
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Look, you don't have to do
anything the rest of the day
65
00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:47,904
except breathe and
write that speech.
66
00:03:47,928 --> 00:03:51,007
I'll keep the boys out of your
hair, I'll handle everything,
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00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:53,376
just try to go upstairs
and finish the speech.
68
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:56,379
Thank you, sweetie. Got it.
69
00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:58,582
But first, I'm gonna clean the
house, 'cause it's really filthy.
70
00:03:58,606 --> 00:04:00,550
No, you're not
getting off the hook.
71
00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:02,552
Go upstairs, write the
speech, stop procrastinating.
72
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:05,188
I will clean this
house, top to bottom.
73
00:04:05,212 --> 00:04:09,626
Do you promise you won't
rewire or blow up anything?
74
00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:11,394
Why are you so mean to me?
75
00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:14,097
You really think I
can do this thing?
76
00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:17,133
Yes, of course. You can
do anything you want, Jill.
77
00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:20,091
Nobody thought you could
land me as a husband and...
78
00:04:22,195 --> 00:04:25,296
Well, that's certainly
inspirational.
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We've cut all of
our side panels,
80
00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:37,687
and I've finished drilling
the holes for our dowel joints.
81
00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:39,689
If I were to put a
hinge right here, Al,
82
00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:41,358
we'd have a pretty
swinging joint, wouldn't we?
83
00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:44,628
(imitates playing jazz clarinet)
84
00:04:44,652 --> 00:04:45,828
Take it, Al.
85
00:04:45,852 --> 00:04:48,097
I don't think so, Tim.
86
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Anyway, next time, Al and I
87
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:52,269
will show you how to
complete the entire bookcase.
88
00:04:52,293 --> 00:04:55,705
And that brings us to the
Tool Time tip of the day...
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00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:56,706
housecleaning.
90
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Ha-ha-ha.
91
00:04:58,365 --> 00:05:01,199
Oh, I can hear the guys
out there going, "Uhh?"
92
00:05:02,603 --> 00:05:05,382
"Get the wife in here,
Tim, so she can hear this."
93
00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:07,183
No, no, no, men.
94
00:05:07,207 --> 00:05:10,353
Housekeeping, housecleaning,
house taking care of
95
00:05:10,377 --> 00:05:11,988
is like shop maintenance.
96
00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:14,056
It's for men, too.
97
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:16,092
Men, it's the '90s.
98
00:05:16,116 --> 00:05:19,396
We should share in the
housecleaning responsibilities, right?
99
00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:20,863
I didn't hear anything.
100
00:05:20,887 --> 00:05:25,735
You know, I'm judging,
from the lack of enthusiasm,
101
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:27,771
that you men are disinterested,
102
00:05:27,795 --> 00:05:29,506
and maybe it's because
103
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they do not design housecleaning
equipment with men in mind.
104
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:35,312
If they did, it'd have what?
105
00:05:35,336 --> 00:05:36,879
(all) More power!
106
00:05:36,903 --> 00:05:39,115
You're darn right, more power.
107
00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:41,318
And maybe a little style, too.
108
00:05:41,342 --> 00:05:43,386
How can they expect
us to clean a house
109
00:05:43,410 --> 00:05:45,888
with housecleaning equipment
that's not designed for us?
110
00:05:45,912 --> 00:05:50,393
Oh, the Daisy Soft Sweep
Decor series in harvest gold.
111
00:05:50,417 --> 00:05:53,129
The vacuum cleaner from
hell. What is this all about?
112
00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:55,665
I want a man's vacuum cleaner.
113
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:57,634
How about an
Indianapolis 500 version...
114
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all burnished chrome, matte black,
analog gauges, turbo boost in there.
115
00:06:00,927 --> 00:06:02,972
(imitates motor revving)
116
00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:05,141
More power. It'll suck
the throat out of a parrot.
117
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Arr-arr-arr. Arr-arr-arr.
118
00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:12,215
Whew, maybe I stepped over
the line just a little bit just then,
119
00:06:12,239 --> 00:06:13,783
but I think you get my point.
120
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:16,886
There's nothing wrong
with a man doing housework.
121
00:06:16,910 --> 00:06:19,989
I mean, Al does a lot of
the cleaning around here.
122
00:06:20,013 --> 00:06:21,958
I do all the cleaning, Tim.
123
00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:24,293
Ha. Yeah, right, Al.
124
00:06:24,317 --> 00:06:25,428
I could use some help.
125
00:06:25,452 --> 00:06:26,985
We all could, Al.
126
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:32,769
I'm Tim Taylor. I wanna
give you a little tip here.
127
00:06:32,793 --> 00:06:35,905
Half the dirt in the world
is men's. Let's clean it up.
128
00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:37,095
See ya next time.
129
00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:44,914
Come on, Dad! We want
to go back to the park!
130
00:06:44,938 --> 00:06:47,572
I told Bob and Stinky
that we would be back.
131
00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:57,193
(Texas drawl) Well, Bob and
Stinky are gonna have to wait,
132
00:06:57,217 --> 00:07:01,431
'cause we're gonna clean
this house up for your Ma.
133
00:07:01,455 --> 00:07:03,165
We do that to support our woman.
134
00:07:03,189 --> 00:07:05,568
I don't have a woman.
135
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:09,305
(normal voice) Well, maybe
Stinky could set you up with one.
136
00:07:09,329 --> 00:07:11,073
I have a woman. Mommy.
137
00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:13,710
Your mommy can't be
your woman, doofus.
138
00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:15,612
A lot men pay a psychiatrist
139
00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:18,076
a lot of money to figure
that one out, I'll tell ya that.
140
00:07:21,442 --> 00:07:25,021
We are gonna clean
the house the power way.
141
00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:26,823
Cleaning the
house is a girl's job.
142
00:07:26,847 --> 00:07:29,325
Hey, hey, hey. We
are enlightened men,
143
00:07:29,349 --> 00:07:32,328
and enlightened men share
in household responsibilities.
144
00:07:32,352 --> 00:07:33,730
What's enlightened?
145
00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:35,353
It means scared of Mom.
146
00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:38,968
Cleaning the house
can be a lot of fun.
147
00:07:38,992 --> 00:07:40,503
This is Dodge City at high noon.
148
00:07:40,527 --> 00:07:44,073
It's very dirty in here. Quick,
get to the windows, boys.
149
00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:46,208
Cover us. Come on. Hyah, hyah!
150
00:07:46,232 --> 00:07:48,578
All right, holster
those weapons.
151
00:07:48,602 --> 00:07:50,947
On three, gimme the quick-draw.
152
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:53,082
1, 2, 3, clean.
Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!
153
00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:54,584
Hyah!
154
00:07:54,608 --> 00:07:56,586
What about me, Dad? Hyah, hyah!
155
00:07:56,610 --> 00:07:58,421
What do I get to do?
156
00:07:58,445 --> 00:08:01,312
You get the most important
job. You're Sheriff Wyatt Dirt.
157
00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:05,061
You gotta wipe out
the Dust Bunny Gang.
158
00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:06,930
What?
159
00:08:06,954 --> 00:08:09,398
Here, hold that.
160
00:08:09,422 --> 00:08:10,789
All loaded.
161
00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:14,559
Saddle up, boy.
162
00:08:21,735 --> 00:08:23,379
All right. Hi, hon.
163
00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:25,615
Well, you are obviously
just playing around.
164
00:08:25,639 --> 00:08:27,216
You're not cleaning the house.
165
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:30,086
Arr!
166
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:33,857
Wait a minute. I see some outlaw
dust villains on the coffee table.
167
00:08:33,881 --> 00:08:37,460
Go at it. Guys, make sure
you get the outside of the doors.
168
00:08:37,484 --> 00:08:40,497
I thought you were
upstairs writing that speech.
169
00:08:40,521 --> 00:08:42,164
May I please get a soda?
170
00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:43,399
Certainly.
171
00:08:43,423 --> 00:08:46,302
Ew, what is that smell?
172
00:08:46,326 --> 00:08:47,537
Their favorite lunch...
173
00:08:47,561 --> 00:08:49,906
Beanie Weenie casserole, huh?
174
00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:52,809
Touch of Spam
in there, beef jerky,
175
00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:55,378
and potato chip dressing
on top. What do you think?
176
00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:56,613
I'll pass.
177
00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:58,915
How are you doing?
178
00:08:58,939 --> 00:09:00,717
Oh, I'm fine. Just
taking a little break.
179
00:09:00,741 --> 00:09:02,318
Can I see it?
180
00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:04,587
It's not very good. Let me
see it. Maybe I can help.
181
00:09:04,611 --> 00:09:06,956
I don't feel like it, and
you can't make me.
182
00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:08,357
Let me ask you this...
183
00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:10,393
Have you gotten past
the point where you say,
184
00:09:10,417 --> 00:09:12,094
"Good afternoon. It's a
pleasure to be here today"?
185
00:09:12,118 --> 00:09:14,196
Can I use that?
186
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:17,299
You haven't written
your first line yet?
187
00:09:17,323 --> 00:09:19,502
Yes, but yours is better.
188
00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:21,303
What the hell have you
been doing up there?
189
00:09:21,327 --> 00:09:23,806
I feel self-conscious getting
up in front of a group of people.
190
00:09:23,830 --> 00:09:25,274
You don't like the way you look?
191
00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:26,976
What's wrong
with the way I look?
192
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,012
Nothing. That
was just a question.
193
00:09:29,036 --> 00:09:31,548
Why was that the first
question you asked?
194
00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:32,982
Here's another first question.
195
00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:34,984
Are you so attractive and thin,
196
00:09:35,008 --> 00:09:37,053
you're afraid to go
up in front of people?
197
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:39,644
So what you're
saying, I'm fat and ugly?
198
00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:47,163
I'm not gonna win at this, am I?
199
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:48,932
It's not looking good.
200
00:09:48,956 --> 00:09:51,500
OK, look, gimme
that first line again.
201
00:09:51,524 --> 00:09:52,869
Good afternoon...
202
00:09:52,893 --> 00:09:54,971
It's a pleasure
to be here today.
203
00:09:54,995 --> 00:09:58,007
It's a pleasure
to be here today.
204
00:09:58,031 --> 00:10:00,743
Wait, I think I got
the last line for you.
205
00:10:00,767 --> 00:10:04,002
Thank you very much. It's
been a pleasure being here today.
206
00:10:08,675 --> 00:10:12,288
Good afternoon. It's a
pleasure to be here today.
207
00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:14,824
Oh, it's not.
208
00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:16,693
I think I'll just take a nap.
209
00:10:16,717 --> 00:10:18,728
(knock on door)
210
00:10:18,752 --> 00:10:20,129
Who is it?
211
00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:21,664
It's me, Mom.
212
00:10:21,688 --> 00:10:23,332
Oh, come in, Randy.
213
00:10:23,356 --> 00:10:27,336
I, uh, just wanted to
see how you were doing.
214
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:28,360
Come gimme a hug.
215
00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:34,477
Mm, I'm much better now.
216
00:10:34,501 --> 00:10:37,780
I got a great joke for you.
You can use it in your speech.
217
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,437
Oh, OK. Shoot.
218
00:10:43,343 --> 00:10:46,355
OK, I got it.
219
00:10:46,379 --> 00:10:49,191
If a snake married
an undertaker,
220
00:10:49,215 --> 00:10:51,728
what would their towels say?
221
00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:56,365
A snake and an undertaker.
I don't know. What?
222
00:10:56,389 --> 00:10:58,735
Hiss and Hearse.
223
00:10:58,759 --> 00:11:00,970
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
224
00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:02,705
That's good. That's really good.
225
00:11:02,729 --> 00:11:05,274
Maybe I could work it into
the beginning of my speech...
226
00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:06,575
Randy!
227
00:11:06,599 --> 00:11:08,477
I'm having some trouble
getting started with this.
228
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,479
What are you doing in here?
229
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:13,149
You're supposed to be downstairs
helping me get finished dusting.
230
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:16,919
I'm just up here telling Mom
a joke. I'm being a good son.
231
00:11:16,943 --> 00:11:19,388
Bull. You're just trying
to stay out of work.
232
00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:20,422
Am not.
233
00:11:20,446 --> 00:11:21,524
Are too. Am not.
234
00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:23,392
Are too... Am not...
235
00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:24,861
(whistles)
236
00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:28,164
That was pretty good, Mom.
237
00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:32,535
I'm not gonna finish this
unless you stop interrupting me.
238
00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:34,270
I was just trying to help.
239
00:11:34,294 --> 00:11:35,271
Kissing up, huh?
240
00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:36,639
Am not. Are too.
241
00:11:36,663 --> 00:11:37,640
Am not. Are too.
242
00:11:37,664 --> 00:11:39,575
Enough! Enough!
243
00:11:39,599 --> 00:11:41,644
Now, how's your dad doing
with all that housecleaning?
244
00:11:41,668 --> 00:11:43,179
OK.
245
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:44,747
Yeah. OK.
246
00:11:44,771 --> 00:11:47,550
I don't like the looks of
that look. What's going on?
247
00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:49,852
Uh, nothing.
248
00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:51,587
Dad's not doing anything.
249
00:11:51,611 --> 00:11:54,423
What exactly is Dad not doing?
250
00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:56,826
He's not rewiring the vacuum.
251
00:11:56,850 --> 00:11:58,494
Mom!
252
00:11:58,518 --> 00:11:59,729
Tim!
253
00:11:59,753 --> 00:12:01,463
Finished your speech?
254
00:12:01,487 --> 00:12:03,487
Where is it?
255
00:12:04,657 --> 00:12:06,602
Ah...
256
00:12:06,626 --> 00:12:10,161
You know where it is.
Same place it's always been.
257
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:21,350
I'm serious. Where is
the vacuum cleaner?
258
00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:25,855
Oh, you mean the Daisy Soft
Sweep Decor model in burnt almond.
259
00:12:25,879 --> 00:12:28,124
That's the one.
260
00:12:28,148 --> 00:12:30,448
I think you're gonna like
what we did. Mark, plug 'er in.
261
00:12:36,522 --> 00:12:39,468
Well, that doesn't look too bad.
262
00:12:39,492 --> 00:12:44,774
On the outside, it maintains
that feminine allure.
263
00:12:44,798 --> 00:12:48,310
On the inside, I've doubled
its chromosome count.
264
00:12:48,334 --> 00:12:49,946
Did you rewire it?
265
00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:52,148
I tweaked it.
266
00:12:52,172 --> 00:12:53,950
(motor runs)
267
00:12:53,974 --> 00:12:55,551
Well, it sounds the same.
268
00:12:55,575 --> 00:12:58,921
That's because it's in the
"whisper" mode for light cleaning.
269
00:12:58,945 --> 00:13:02,391
You want to get
the deep-down dirt,
270
00:13:02,415 --> 00:13:05,516
we turn to the new
"power suck" mode.
271
00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:19,942
I thought you guys
were staying in the park.
272
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:22,178
Jennifer left, so Brad
didn't wanna stay.
273
00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:25,148
Guess the car air freshener
wasn't a big hit, huh?
274
00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:28,084
She said I smell like her
dog after he had a shampoo.
275
00:13:28,108 --> 00:13:30,253
Woof woof.
276
00:13:30,277 --> 00:13:33,589
Hey, Brad, come here.
Tell me what happened.
277
00:13:33,613 --> 00:13:34,957
I think she likes me.
278
00:13:34,981 --> 00:13:35,992
How do you know?
279
00:13:36,016 --> 00:13:39,228
She hit me in the arm twice.
280
00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:40,863
Hard? Yeah!
281
00:13:40,887 --> 00:13:41,898
You're in, dude.
282
00:13:41,922 --> 00:13:43,221
Dude.
283
00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:46,903
Hey, Wilson.
284
00:13:46,927 --> 00:13:47,904
Mm.
285
00:13:47,928 --> 00:13:48,938
What are you doing?
286
00:13:48,962 --> 00:13:51,196
Just carving out a canoe, Tim.
287
00:13:58,638 --> 00:14:00,116
Sounds hard.
288
00:14:00,140 --> 00:14:01,583
Not really, Tim.
289
00:14:01,607 --> 00:14:03,585
You just take a
big block of wood
290
00:14:03,609 --> 00:14:05,969
and chip away everything
that's not a canoe.
291
00:14:08,548 --> 00:14:11,460
Say, Wilson, are you
afraid of speaking in public?
292
00:14:11,484 --> 00:14:14,418
Well, to be honest with you,
Tim, I don't go out in public.
293
00:14:16,890 --> 00:14:21,370
Jill's gotta go give a speech today,
and she's really concerned about it.
294
00:14:21,394 --> 00:14:22,705
Heh-heh. Perfectly natural.
295
00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:25,541
It's not natural. I like
speaking in public.
296
00:14:25,565 --> 00:14:28,377
Sometimes I get in conversations
with people I don't even know.
297
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:30,913
I'll talk and talk and
talk. Sometimes I... Tim...
298
00:14:30,937 --> 00:14:32,417
What? I get the point.
299
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:35,017
I wanna help her out,
300
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:37,320
and I just wonder what she's so
concerned about speaking in public.
301
00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:41,324
She's probably just afraid
of appearing foolish in public.
302
00:14:41,348 --> 00:14:42,391
I believe it was Samuel
Clemens who said...
303
00:14:42,415 --> 00:14:43,792
Who's Samuel Clemens?
304
00:14:43,816 --> 00:14:47,463
You would know him
better as Mark Twain,
305
00:14:47,487 --> 00:14:49,031
but that was just a
pseudonym, a sobriquet.
306
00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:53,502
Of course, pseudonym, sobriquet.
307
00:14:53,526 --> 00:14:56,205
Spell one of those. Pick one.
308
00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,640
Let's just say pen
name, Tim. OK.
309
00:14:58,664 --> 00:15:03,679
Anyway, he said, "Better to
have people think you're a fool
310
00:15:03,703 --> 00:15:07,449
than to open your mouth
and remove all doubt."
311
00:15:07,473 --> 00:15:10,786
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
312
00:15:10,810 --> 00:15:13,756
Heh-heh. My, my, my, my.
313
00:15:13,780 --> 00:15:16,347
What do you think
about that, Tim?
314
00:15:17,683 --> 00:15:19,117
Tim.
315
00:15:21,955 --> 00:15:26,668
Black. B-l-a... before b-o-u...
316
00:15:26,692 --> 00:15:30,439
Blue, blue. Brown.
B-r... that's easy.
317
00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:32,708
Brown, brown.
318
00:15:32,732 --> 00:15:34,010
Hi. Hi.
319
00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:35,044
I made you some tea.
320
00:15:35,068 --> 00:15:37,113
Oh, well, thank you.
321
00:15:37,137 --> 00:15:38,247
How's it going?
322
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:40,249
Great. I'm working
on my speech and...
323
00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:41,918
I can see that.
324
00:15:41,942 --> 00:15:45,021
You know, Jill, I think
I've got the problem licked.
325
00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:48,490
Best summed up by
this wonderful quote...
326
00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:53,562
It is better not to open your
mouth and appear foolish
327
00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:56,687
than to open it and fool them.
328
00:16:03,529 --> 00:16:06,442
Thank you, honey.
That's a big help.
329
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:08,311
It's Mark Twain.
330
00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:11,447
I don't know anything
about giving a speech.
331
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,582
I don't know what
to do with my hands.
332
00:16:13,606 --> 00:16:15,517
Put 'em in your pockets.
333
00:16:15,541 --> 00:16:18,321
What if I wear this dress
that doesn't have any pockets?
334
00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:20,722
Nice-lookin'. Well, put
'em down at your sides.
335
00:16:20,746 --> 00:16:22,158
OK.
336
00:16:22,182 --> 00:16:25,094
But don't itch at
yourself like that.
337
00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:26,595
How's this?
338
00:16:26,619 --> 00:16:29,098
You look like a totem pole.
339
00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:31,722
Loosen up. Come
on, loosen up. Do this.
340
00:16:35,362 --> 00:16:36,372
Do it.
341
00:16:36,396 --> 00:16:38,540
I don't think this
is gonna help.
342
00:16:38,564 --> 00:16:41,677
You're right, but it's
fun watching you do that.
343
00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:43,245
Tim...
344
00:16:43,269 --> 00:16:46,515
Don't think of the
audience as a group.
345
00:16:46,539 --> 00:16:48,917
When I first did Tool
Time, I was petrified,
346
00:16:48,941 --> 00:16:51,753
so I tried to visualize
it as just one person.
347
00:16:51,777 --> 00:16:55,624
The first time you did Tool
Time, there was just one person.
348
00:16:55,648 --> 00:16:57,259
That's not my point.
349
00:16:57,283 --> 00:17:00,662
I tried to visualize that person
as being in their underwear.
350
00:17:00,686 --> 00:17:01,830
He was in his underwear.
351
00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:03,565
He was not.
352
00:17:03,589 --> 00:17:05,901
(moans)
353
00:17:05,925 --> 00:17:09,438
The speech isn't the problem.
What is going on here?
354
00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:11,440
Tim, I'm gonna be
standing up there
355
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:13,242
in front of 250 people.
356
00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:15,911
That's 500 eyes watching me.
357
00:17:15,935 --> 00:17:19,681
500 ears listening to me.
358
00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:23,452
Eh, that's a thousand organs.
No wonder you're nervous.
359
00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:27,289
You know, I am the only speaker.
360
00:17:27,313 --> 00:17:29,291
And by standing up there,
361
00:17:29,315 --> 00:17:33,396
it's like I'm saying that I'm the
most important person in the room.
362
00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:34,897
Well, you are.
363
00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:37,400
Well, I don't feel like it.
364
00:17:37,424 --> 00:17:40,702
It's not like I'm the
president of anything.
365
00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:44,973
I don't run a corporation,
I'm not a celebrity.
366
00:17:44,997 --> 00:17:47,309
I'm just your wife and Brad,
Randy and Mark's mother.
367
00:17:47,333 --> 00:17:52,481
You're the chairperson of the
most successful money laundering...
368
00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:54,050
Fund-raising!
369
00:17:54,074 --> 00:17:58,054
Fund-raising drives
in library history.
370
00:17:58,078 --> 00:17:59,788
You're CEO of this family,
371
00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:03,359
you're my career manager,
and you're a life manager.
372
00:18:03,383 --> 00:18:04,427
Life manager.
373
00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:06,262
You manage to
live your life with me.
374
00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:08,397
And I should get
an award for that.
375
00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:10,366
You should get an award
for the money that you got.
376
00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:12,068
(knock on door) Come on in.
377
00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:15,438
Here, Mommy. I
made you a milk shake.
378
00:18:15,462 --> 00:18:19,775
Oh, thank you,
honey. It looks like...
379
00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:21,110
What did you put in that?
380
00:18:21,134 --> 00:18:23,612
Peanut butter and jelly.
381
00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:26,003
Go ahead.
382
00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:37,293
Mmm... mmm, terrific and thick.
383
00:18:37,317 --> 00:18:38,461
Ha-ha-ha.
384
00:18:38,485 --> 00:18:40,963
Have you finished your speech?
385
00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:42,431
Yeah.
386
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:43,832
Can I hear it?
387
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:45,401
She doesn't feel
like it right now.
388
00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:49,705
Come on, Mommy. You always
make me show you my homework.
389
00:18:49,729 --> 00:18:52,341
Well, you're right, I do.
390
00:18:52,365 --> 00:18:54,710
Ok, OK. Fair is fair.
391
00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:57,012
You sure you feel
like doing this?
392
00:18:57,036 --> 00:18:59,681
Yeah, I'll just picture you
two in your underwear.
393
00:18:59,705 --> 00:19:03,652
No, don't take off your
pants. It's just a technique.
394
00:19:03,676 --> 00:19:07,889
(closes door) OK...
395
00:19:07,913 --> 00:19:09,825
Are you ready? Yep.
396
00:19:09,849 --> 00:19:13,996
Good afternoon. It's a
pleasure to be here today.
397
00:19:14,020 --> 00:19:15,231
I wrote that.
398
00:19:15,255 --> 00:19:16,599
It's pretty good.
399
00:19:16,623 --> 00:19:18,601
OK, OK. "As you all know,
400
00:19:18,625 --> 00:19:21,803
"the library is the cornerstone
of a good education.
401
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:24,840
"Books contain ideas
which can shape our planet,
402
00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:28,043
and let's face it, right now,
our planet is badly out of shape."
403
00:19:28,067 --> 00:19:30,412
Shape and out of shape.
I love it. That's good.
404
00:19:30,436 --> 00:19:34,216
Yeah? Well, it's easy in front of
you and Mark. I know you guys.
405
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:36,785
Well, pretend like we're
the Library Association.
406
00:19:36,809 --> 00:19:38,854
No. Most of them are women.
407
00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:40,722
OK, we'll be women.
408
00:19:40,746 --> 00:19:42,391
Mark, come over
here for a minute.
409
00:19:42,415 --> 00:19:43,692
What?
410
00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:46,662
Here, these go with your hair.
411
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:51,500
Oh, and these are
me. Look at that.
412
00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:52,768
Tim, what are you doing?
413
00:19:52,792 --> 00:19:56,772
We are supporting our
woman by being women.
414
00:19:56,796 --> 00:20:00,831
Hey, Mark, you don't do
this outside the house, OK?
415
00:20:02,068 --> 00:20:06,748
Tim, please, you really
don't have to do this.
416
00:20:06,772 --> 00:20:10,419
(feminine voice) There's
no Tim here anymore.
417
00:20:10,443 --> 00:20:12,810
My name is L... Ouch!
418
00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:19,562
My name is Linda, and
this is my good friend Rose.
419
00:20:19,586 --> 00:20:20,596
Hi, Mommy.
420
00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:24,099
Well, hello, Rose. Hello, Ouch.
421
00:20:24,123 --> 00:20:28,559
Hello. Well, please, get on with
your speech. We're all aflutter.
422
00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:37,979
OK, OK. "The only way to
get our planet back into shape
423
00:20:38,003 --> 00:20:39,881
"is to exercise our minds.
424
00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:44,620
By upgrading and modernizing
our library, we can do that."
425
00:20:44,644 --> 00:20:49,391
Look how she gets
us involved. I love this.
426
00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:51,860
"Your generous dollars
have made that possible,
427
00:20:51,884 --> 00:20:54,530
and I hope that you will
continue to give in the future."
428
00:20:54,554 --> 00:20:56,498
And it goes on from there.
429
00:20:56,522 --> 00:20:59,801
Bravo. Bravo. Give her the wave.
430
00:20:59,825 --> 00:21:03,639
Isn't she the most spectacular
speaker you've ever seen?
431
00:21:03,663 --> 00:21:05,040
It is OK, isn't it?
432
00:21:05,064 --> 00:21:07,576
It's marvelous,
hon, it's marvelous.
433
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:09,911
No, I'm serious. It
actually makes sense.
434
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:11,714
(normal voice)
It's terrific, it is.
435
00:21:11,738 --> 00:21:13,515
Are you just saying that?
436
00:21:13,539 --> 00:21:14,816
No, it's good.
437
00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:16,719
So it was good,
but not terrific?
438
00:21:16,743 --> 00:21:19,455
Huh? No, that's
the same, isn't it?
439
00:21:19,479 --> 00:21:22,725
No, no, no, no. Good
means that it's OK.
440
00:21:22,749 --> 00:21:27,596
Terrific means I'd be a
fool not to give this speech.
441
00:21:27,620 --> 00:21:32,368
You would be a fool
not to give this speech.
442
00:21:32,392 --> 00:21:34,102
OK, then. I'll give it.
443
00:21:34,126 --> 00:21:36,171
Thank you, Linda.
444
00:21:36,195 --> 00:21:37,706
Thank you, Rose.
445
00:21:37,730 --> 00:21:39,541
(feminine voice) Mm-mm-mm.
446
00:21:39,565 --> 00:21:41,543
Mm-mm. Rather unprofessional
447
00:21:41,567 --> 00:21:44,946
to kiss us like that, wasn't it?
448
00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:46,282
Ha-ha-ha.
449
00:21:46,306 --> 00:21:49,217
Do you suppose that's
her real hair color?
450
00:21:49,241 --> 00:21:51,687
I don't think so.
Look at the roots.
451
00:21:51,711 --> 00:21:56,759
Ever got some phlegm caught
in your throat, you can't get it out?
452
00:21:56,783 --> 00:21:59,483
You just don't see old
women going like this, do you?
453
00:22:11,364 --> 00:22:12,608
I'm here!
454
00:22:12,632 --> 00:22:14,643
OK, Tim. We're on in one minute.
455
00:22:14,667 --> 00:22:16,378
Where have you been?
I was getting worried.
456
00:22:16,402 --> 00:22:18,180
We were watching
Mommy give a speech.
457
00:22:18,204 --> 00:22:20,382
She wowed 'em at the library.
458
00:22:20,406 --> 00:22:22,584
I did all right. How
you doing, Al? Hi, Jill.
459
00:22:22,608 --> 00:22:24,853
You wowed 'em. They asked
you back for next year already.
460
00:22:24,877 --> 00:22:27,055
Oh, God, I don't
wanna think about that.
461
00:22:27,079 --> 00:22:29,325
Hiya, Mark. How are you?
462
00:22:29,349 --> 00:22:31,427
Good.
463
00:22:31,451 --> 00:22:33,595
Do anything fun this weekend?
464
00:22:33,619 --> 00:22:36,031
Daddy and I dressed
up like women.
465
00:22:36,055 --> 00:22:37,666
Oh, really?
466
00:22:37,690 --> 00:22:39,267
It's not like it sounds, Al.
467
00:22:39,291 --> 00:22:43,305
Daddy had Mommy's hat
on, and we both wore earrings.
468
00:22:43,329 --> 00:22:47,142
Well, of course. Earrings
would complete the ensemble.
469
00:22:47,166 --> 00:22:49,545
Music. Standby. Here
we go, everybody.
470
00:22:49,569 --> 00:22:51,046
(Tool Time theme plays)
471
00:22:51,070 --> 00:22:53,482
It's not like I had a
bra on or anything, Al.
472
00:22:53,506 --> 00:22:55,917
Well, maybe next time, Tim.
473
00:22:55,941 --> 00:22:58,354
Does everyone
know what time it is?
474
00:22:58,378 --> 00:23:00,511
(audience) It's Tool Time!
474
00:23:01,305 --> 00:24:01,905
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