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Hi, everybody. Welcome once again to Tool Time.
I'm Tim Taylor, and of course you all know Al.
Borland.
Al, why would they need to know your last name?
You always tell them your last name.
Al, if they don't know who I am,
they won't know who you are, right, Al?
Borland.
Well, we're gonna be hanging some dry wall today, Al Borland.
That's right, Tim... Taylor.
Since we're hanging it, maybe we'll need a noose.
I don't think so, Tim.
I'll be hanging the wallboard today
with my trusty Binford crown hammer.
It's one of the best you can buy.
Now, when hanging wallboard, always make your nail flush.
That gives you the perfect dimple.
Suppose they call it a dimple because it's...
No, I don't, Tim.
Hanging dry wall is actually pretty easy.
Easy procedure if you follow instructions.
Matter of fact, if you follow the proper instructions,
it takes hardly any time at all.
Al, I didn't say to go yet.
(mumbles) Well, I was...
I was just trying to speed things up.
This isn't a race, Al. I know that, Tim.
Because if it was, I think you know what would happen.
Yes, I do, Tim.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Sounds like a little challenge from Mr. Al Borland.
You don't really want to compete with me, do you?
Well, Tim, when it comes to you and me,
there is no competition.
Maybe the audience would like to see
a little friendly wallboard race between Al and I.
What do you think, folks? (cheers and applause)
Let's see who can nail this bad boy top to bottom first.
Ready?
Ready.
Set? Set.
Go!
Well, I guess it's pretty easy
to see who won that, Al.
We have to tape our stuff...
Yes, it is, Tim.
Randy, get this off of me right now.
Dad, no man has ever escaped Randy's Handcuffs of Death.
Spray Dad with silly string.
No, don't spray Dad with silly string. Cap those things.
Take these off right now. Fun is fun. Come on. What are the magic words?
No allowance.
Hey, Dad, I heard a great joke today.
What was it? OK.
What did the moron have for breakfast?
I don't know.
This morning you had scrambled eggs and toast.
(boys laughing)
OK, it's family night.
What have we decided to do?
We wanna play video games.
(all) Yeah!
No, I think that we should just stay home
and play charades.
(all) Aah!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Bowling. How about bowling?
Haven't done that in a while. Not bowling.
They got a video arcade at the bowling alley.
(boys) Yeah, bowling! Get your coats. Come on!
It'll be fun, honey. (imitates ball rolling)
I got a great joke for you.
What?
What did the moron have for breakfast?
Today you had cereal and an English muffin.
(boys laughing)
(Brad) Ooh, good, Mom.
You're all wrong. I had rye toast. Ha-ha-ha.
(Brad) Shotgun! (Randy) Hey, no way!
Hey, I ride shotgun.
So, since we are bowling tonight,
promise me you won't behave like an obnoxious jerk.
What kind of jerk would you like me to be? You're obsessed with winning.
You're the most competitive person I know,
and when you do win,
you always do that obnoxious victory dance.
Na-na-na-na-na-na. I won, I won, I won.
Oh, you frighten me sometimes, honey.
You're just doing that because you always lose.
Always lose? We only play once a year.
And you always lose.
You can't help you're a lousy bowler.
You're a woman.
Nothing gets by you, huh, Tim?
The point I'm trying to make
is it's not fair for women to compete with men.
Heck, men, we're stronger,
we throw the ball harder...
Uh, we're stronger,
so we throw the ball harder.
Well put, Tim. You're not gonna behave like a jerk tonight
because we're not going to compete, we're not gonna keep score.
How do we know who wins?
We don't care about winning, only about having fun.
All right, we'll have fun. You'll have fun.
We won't keep score, we won't compete.
All right.
Race you to the car.
No!
Come on, come on. In 3.1...
This is stupid. 1...
I'm not doing it. 2...
Besides, your shoelace is untied. 3! (laughs)
OK, this is all you're gonna get.
Don't come begging for more quarters.
(Brad and Randy) Thanks, Mom.
Tim, what is this?
I thought you said we weren't gonna keep score.
I'm just putting our names down so we know whose turn it is.
There's only two of us playing.
After my turn, whose turn is it?
I don't know. Let me check the sheet.
Well, look at that. It's my turn.
Just shut up and bowl.
OK.
Mark, you're gonna be seeing raw power in motion.
Ar-ar-ar-ar.
Raw power in the form of precision fluid movements
with a bowling pin-type radar
that will destroy everything in its path.
(grunting)
Gutter ball.
I had a little muscle cramp or something.
(Jill laughs)
You always gotta warm up
before you bowl that first one.
Well, now I show no mercy at all.
See that set down there, that one pin still shaking?
You know why that's shaking?
'Cause that pin knows what's coming.
That pin's going, "Please, please, Master Bowler,
don't hit me!"
You're dead, pin.
You're dead!
You and your nine scrawny friends, too.
Uhh.
Uhh!
Yay, Dad, you did it.
You knocked down that one pin!
Yeah, and you left his nine scrawny friends.
Jill, would you do me a favor and walk down in the alley
and dress up like a bowling pin for me?
Well, that is the one place I wouldn't get hit by a bowling ball.
Look at this guy. He has 120,000 points.
Randy, what's your best?
1,000,005, but tonight I'm gonna beat it,
and it's gonna say my initials "RT"
right on the top of the screen.
Hey. Hey!
What?
That's my machine.
Oh, yeah. Is your name Zaxxon?
I just put a quarter in it. You can play the next game.
And what if I wanna play this one?
Well, well, well,
looks like I got a free game.
Hey, that's my quarter.
Duh. Really?
Hey, Duh, you better let my brother play the game.
Oh, you really got me worried.
Always scares me when I can see the top of somebody's head.
Brad, come on.
We don't have to take this.
Yes, we do! Oh, my God.
Hey, Duh, if it wasn't for my brother,
you'd be dead meat.
Yeah? Rrah!
Please, please, please...
I hope the ball gets to the pins
before the lanes close, hon.
Yes! Yes!
You knocked them all down!
Yes, honey, that's called a strike.
You didn't knock 'em down. They dropped dead from boredom.
Hey, it doesn't matter how they get down
as long as they get down.
Wait a minute. What's this?
We're not gonna compete. We're just here for fun.
What's this all about?
Well, I'm not keeping score here.
I'm just writing down that I got a strike.
If you like, I can write down that you got a... one.
The only reason you got a strike
is 'cause we're not competing.
Oh. Oh, so if we were competing,
then you'd be throwing the strikes and I'd be throwing the gutter balls?
Yes, because women collapse under pressure.
Oh, really?
Well, that last ball was a practice ball.
This one counts. We're keeping score.
I thought you didn't want to keep score.
Oh, is the great, big bad bowling man
afraid his itty-bitty wife
is gonna beat him?
Is the itty-bitty wife
afraid the great, big bowling man
is gonna leave her in the parking lot?!
OK. We're having some fun now.
Ahchoo!
Gesundheit.
Please, please, please, please, please, please,
please, please, please, please...
(pins clatter) Yes!
Two strikes in a row! Yes!
Ah!
I sucked you in now.
It's time for the real bowling to start now.
Go, Daddy! Hit another pin!
(Jill laughs)
Hey, Timmy! Hey-hey!
Hey. Whoa.
Hey, sorry, pal. Didn't mean to throw ya.
Hey, Rock. Hey, Dwayne, Pete.
Remember these guys... the cooking show on Tool Time?
Oh, yes. This is my wife Jill.
And my youngest boy Mark and my ball.
Hey, Roger, we're gonna be bowling next to a superstar.
You recognize that guy? Yeah, sure do.
How you doing, buddy?
How you doing?
That's Tim "the Tool Man" Taylor.
He works with Al. You know, I love Al.
Al's great.
Hey, we all love Al. (Rock) Yeah.
Hey, Tim, we're gonna be practicing right here next to you.
We got a league game tonight.
Boy, Pete, it sure is gonna be intimidati"
bowling next to a celebrity like Tim Taylor.
Oh, you got that right.
Hey, Tim, I bet you got a real high average, huh?
I don't like to brag, you know, but...
I've knocked a few pins down in my day.
I know of one tonight.
Come on, guys. We got a game soon. Let's get ready.
You folks go right ahead. Just pretend we're not even here.
Good to see you guys. You, too, Timmy.
(Velcro ripping)
(Velcro rips)
Guys...
Sorry.
(Jill laughs)
You knocked down all their pins.
(laughing)
Come on, guys. That's a joke.
Oh! Good one, pal.
Hey! Hey, anybody can knock down the pins in their own lane.
Oh, yeah.
Aw, man, awesome. You're gonna beat the record.
Shh! You'll break my concentration.
He's gonna break whose record?
(Brad) The guy in first place... CP.
Hey, hey, those are my initials.
Bummer.
I don't have to play.
No, play. He's gonna beat your record.
No, I'm not. Yes, you are.
No, he's not!
See, 'cause this machine breaks down all the time.
See? Broken.
You didn't have to pull the plug.
Yeah? So I did. What are you gonna do about it, huh?
Hey, don't shove my brother.
What, you mean like this?
(sighs)
Look, you win,
'cause you're bigger,
you're stronger...
I just wanna say one thing.
What?
Rrah! Oh!
(Brad yelling)
Ow!
Come on, come on, let him go.
No. First say...
that I'm the king of Zaxxon.
Don't do anything he says, Randy.
If I say it, will you let him go? Maybe.
OK. You're the king of Zaxxon. Now, let him go.
No. First I want you to tell me that I'm...
I'm the best-looking guy in the bowling alley.
Oh, gag me. Aah!
OK, you're the best-looking guy here.
Hey, thanks for the compliment.
And don't touch my machine again.
That guy was a dip wad.
No kidding, but why'd you give in?
I was just getting ready to make my move.
Yeah, to the hospital.
How could you say he was the king of Zaxxon?
You're ten times better than him.
Forget about that.
We've gotta get even with this guy.
I could jump him from behind.
Yeah, and he'll wedge you into the floor.
You got a better idea?
Yeah, I do.
Come on, follow me. OK.
Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please,
please, please, please, please...
(pins clatter) (all but Tim) Yeah!
Hey, Mrs. Taylor, four strikes in a row.
Uh, I don't mean to criticize you there, Timmy,
but you didn't carry over her last strike.
See, that would make that a 134, not a 124.
Good eye, Rock.
Mark, Mark, come on.
Hey, hey, hey, where you going?
Um, Mark's coming with us.
Well, OK, but you keep an eye on him.
Boy, Tim, you're really taking this well.
I mean, if my wife were beating the pants off of me,
I'd be looking for a place to hide.
Actually, Rock, I'm trying to go easy on my wife.
She's had a bad week.
Her mom was convicted of grand theft auto.
Hmm. You're a good man, Tim.
Excuse me, ma'am,
but you are an extraordinary bowler.
Oh, well, thank you,
but I don't think I'm very extraordinary.
It's just that my approach to the game
is somewhat different than Tim's.
And better.
Uh, me and Pete, we was wonderin',
what is your secret?
No, it sounds too stupid.
Oh, come on, honey. Tell 'em.
(Dwayne) Yeah.
Well, OK, I will.
I know it sounds silly,
but when I approach the line,
I always do this.
Ashes, ashes,
we all fall down.
That's it?
I know it sounds ridiculous,
but it relaxes me.
You should try it. See, just start on your left foot and go...
(all) Ashes, ashes,
we all fall down.
And then, after I release the ball, I always do this.
Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please,
please, please...
Please, please, please, please, please, please...
(both) Please, please, please, please, please...
Pete? Yeah.
You're embarrassing yourself.
I am not, and you're always criticizing.
This is neither the time nor the place.
Fine.
Mrs. Taylor,
I'm terribly sorry to hear about your mother.
What about my mother? (Tim) Rock...
Ixnay onsay eft-thay carthay please-ay?
'Nough said, Timmy.
What are you talking about?
Rock and I are having a little fun.
Oh, yeah? You wanna have a little fun?
Why don't we make a bet?
A bet? How about in the form of public humiliation?
We let people watch you bowl?
(laughing)
No, I was thinking maybe
the loser has to kiss the winner's...
What?
Bowling shoes.
(all groan)
Right here in front of everybody.
(all) Ah!
All right, you're on.
(kissing noise)
He's coming. He's coming.
OK, Mark, hide over there.
Brad, you know what to do. I'm ready.
Hey, thought I told you boys not to touch my machine.
I've got news for you. My brother's gonna get high score.
I don't think so.
Get out of my way, maggot.
Now.
What do you think you're doing?
Get these cuffs off me!
I'll break both your faces.
You just come here. Come here. I don't think so.
Mark, ammo.
Oh, you guys are dead meat.
Dead meat! Whoa! Whoa! Stop!
Yeah! Yeah!
Hey, stop it!
You stop it right now! (Mark) Brad, I think you missed a spot.
(men) Yeah!
Strike!
Great comeback, Tim. Now you're only down by nine pins.
This is the last frame. Just do it, all right?
Don't want to make you nervous, Timmy, but this is the clutch shot.
Kiss 'em all and you win, buddy.
(whispers) Yes. Yes.
So wait a minute. What are you saying?
You're saying that, like, unless he gets down every single pin...
which is very hard to do under all this pressure...
I win?
I think that's exactly what he's saying, Jill.
(sighs)
(muttering) Ashes, ashes,
all fall down.
(buzzer)
(pins clatter)
Hey! Ten pins down. All fall down.
Ten pins down. I got the crown.
I win, I win, I win, I win, I win, I win, I win, I win, I win.
I win. I win!
Now, wait a minute, Tim, I may be wrong,
but doesn't that buzzer
mean it's some kind of foul or something?
It means the game's over or something.
No, that's a foul.
That's only in tournament play.
Your strike doesn't count, buddy.
You mean, I won? No, it doesn't mean you w...
Yes, it does. She took you fair and square.
Come on, guys, let's bowl.
I believed in you, Tim Taylor.
This is indeed a dark day.
I think Al could have taken her.
(men grumble)
I didn't beat you by that much.
Are you upset, Tim?
No, I had a lot of fun, Jill.
Well, that's good. That's good.
'Cause there's one thing that you could do
that would make me really happy.
What?
Well, you could take this old score sheet,
and you could just have it laminated!
(laughs)
I won! I won! I won! Na-na-na-na-na-na.
I beat you. I beat you. I beat you.
You don't have to kiss 'em.
You can just nuzzle them next to your cheek and whisper,
"You're the best, Jill. You're the best."
(baby voice) You're the best, Jill. You're the best.
This is the most perfect night of my life.
Nothing could ruin it. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Are these your boys?
What did they do?
They handcuffed a kid to a video game
and they covered him with silly string.
Oh, those aren't my boys. I never seen 'em before in my life.
(both) Aah!
Mom, you don't understand. He had Brad in a headlock.
Yeah, he was messing up my hair.
I don't care.
You should have come to us first.
Dad, you always say we should stand up for ourselves.
It's a good idea, normally, but this time you got a big problem.
That guy is free now, pretty angry,
and still a lot bigger than you guys.
He's gonna destroy you guys. This will be great!
You gotta admit this is a good way of getting back
at people that humiliate you in public. Don't even think about it.
Nice draw. You thought I was gonna spray you with this silly string.
Yes, I did. Now, put it down.
You put that down first.
OK, we'll put it down together.
On the count of three.
Your shoe's untied.
I know. Aah!
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