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We were on a manly mission today, honey.
I initiated Mark.
I took him down to Kelley's hardware store.
We went through every inch of that.
Mark, where are the router bits?
Aisle 2A.
All right. Screwdrivers?
Aisle 3B.
What's on the top shelf?
Phillips head.
What kind of handle do they have?
Square shanked, slotted?
(growls) Yeah!
You are a man today, Mark,
and, you know, a man just isn't a man
without his own... Hank the Handyman Drill.
Thanks, Dad.
Oh, honey, you should have been there with us.
It was the winter warehouse sale.
Everything was half off.
Yeah, and I suppose you only got the essentials.
You bet.
Butterfly hinges, casing knife, point driver...
Oh, well, every house needs a point driver.
What is this essential thing?
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
This is the ultimate power tool.
Binford's best. 4000 series...
reciprocating saw.
3/4-horse motor.
No tool arsenal is complete without this thing.
Pure power.
You could saw through the refrigerator with this thing.
Wouldn't it be easier to open the door?
Mom, Dad... Yeah, honey.
Jennifer Sadarski wants to take me
to her parents' anniversary party tomorrow night.
Wow. That sounds like fun.
First date. Hot stuff.
It's not a date.
Me and Jennifer are just gonna go to her country club and have dinner.
Not a date. No.
So, when she introduces you, it'll be, "Hi, this is Brad, my eating partner."
Dad...
Oh, the country club.
You're gonna get to get all dressed up.
But you know what? You need a new tie.
What's wrong with the tie I've got?
Well, nothing, except I don't think
the Slurpee stains go with your shirt.
Karen and I are going shopping.
We'll pick you up a new one. OK. Thanks, Mom.
Karen's coming over here?
Yeah. She'll be here any minute.
Every time she comes over,
she twists everything I say into some feminist argument.
Why don't you meet her at the store?
Oh, come on, Tim. She's my good friend.
I like her. (doorbell rings)
She just comes over here to make fun of me.
That's why I like her.
(both) Hi!
Oh, you look so pretty.
I love your skirt. Thanks.
You want to have some coffee and fat food before we go? Yes, let's do.
Tim is so looking forward to seeing you. Oh, and me him.
Hello, Tim.
Hi, Karen. How's work?
Good. What in the world is that?
Come on, Karen,
don't you know a reciprocating saw when you see one?
It cuts through any thick surface...
refrigerator, walls, Tim's head.
Ar-ar-ar.
I think we know why Tim bought that.
OK, here we go.
What are we gonna make fun of today?
My show? No, grunting. Tools.
Oh, well, Tim, I mean,
it is a very big powerful tool.
I see. You think I've gotta have this
just to prove my manhood.
You said it. I didn't say that.
I bought the saw because it saws.
That's what saws do, Karen. They saw.
Uh-huh. It certainly is a large saw.
Well, thank you very much.
I'll be in the garage where I belong.
Oh, men get so insecure when you make fun of their tools.
Tell me about it.
I am not insecure.
Honey, when we say "men,"
we're not talking about you.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Oh, you gals go ahead and laugh.
I just want you to know I'm a very secure man.
You know, Jill, I can understand
why men like all these big powerful tools.
Do tell.
All right.
They feed right into their destructive and aggressive...
tendencies.
Well, thank you, Oprah.
Oh, come on, Tim, look at all the wars you've started.
Jill, how many wars have I started?
She just means that most wars are started by men.
Women start wars, too.
Did you see the film War of the Amazons?
Whoa, he got us there.
Oh, boy, does he ever.
I'll have you know those are very fierce soldiers.
I had nightmares about that movie.
Oh, so you're intimidated by strong women? Is that what you're saying, Tim?
When they're in groups and naked, yeah.
Now that we've sanded down our tabletop,
it's time to apply the decorative laminate.
Al, you wanna spread the glue for me, please?
I live to laminate, Tim.
While Al does that,
I'd like to speak to you, if I could.
I'm a little cheesed.
Some people say the reason men are into tools
is because we're insecure.
These same people say that men are into more power
because we're destructive and aggressive.
Well, let me explain something to you.
We're neither destructive or aggressive.
What we are is creative.
Let's look at some of the things built over time using tools.
The Great Pyramids of Egypt.
The Great Wall of China.
Indy...
of Indy.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Uh, Tim, I believe the Leaning Tower
was considered a huge structural mistake.
Well... look at that.
That's an accomplishment.
This tower has been leaning for over 800 years,
and it hasn't fallen over.
Kinda reminds me of my mother-in-law.
(laughs)
I'm kidding, Nana.
Well, the glue is spread, Tim.
Oh, is it, Al? OK.
Before we get to gluing,
I want to introduce Binford's new miracle glue.
Tim, you might wanna remind our viewers
to be careful when using this glue
because it will bond instantly to your skin.
Al, we learned in the first grade
you're not supposed to play with glue.
Well, I was just worried about our viewers' welfare,
as well as your welfare.
Al, these negative thoughts
can hurt people on the job site.
I don't have negative thoughts.
You do, too. No, I don't.
Do too. Do not.
Do. Not.
Well, maybe it would be better
if I just swept up here, then.
Maybe it would be better if you just swept up, Mr. Negativity.
Not. Do.
You wanna set your laminate securely on your shimmies, front and back.
Ohh...
Al!
We'll be right back
after these messages from Binford.
Al.
Al, I know you're back there.
Dad's home.
I better go. I don't think Tim wants to see me.
No, no, stay. We'll just take it easy on him.
OK. No more making fun of him.
What is this thing on your head?
It's a little piece of table.
What happened?
Oh, Mr. Negativity... Al... distracted me,
and I got my head cemented to this table.
They had to take a saber saw to get me off of that table.
Don't you think you should go to the emergency room?
I was just there. They said I wasn't a priority.
Why? Was there a guy with a whole table stuck to his head?
(laughing)
Sorry. I'm sorry, honey.
We'll be good. If you notice, I'm not laughing.
Yeah, well, we'll be good.
Come on. Randy, set the table.
OK. Dad, bend over.
Ouch. Are you sure this is gonna work?
Yes. The hospital said that nail polish remover would soften the glue. Ow.
You must have felt pretty silly walking in there like that.
Oh, no, nonsense, Karen.
There are a lot of people in there
with furniture stuck to their heads.
I still don't understand how you did this.
I did it because of you two. Us?
What did we do?
I was trying to make a point on the show
that men don't just destroy things with hammers and nails and tools.
No, they also glue.
I'm sorry, honey. We shouldn't make fun...
Although I did hear a great joke today.
Knock, knock.
The point I was trying to make
is that men don't just start wars,
they build things with tools,
like this house, your car, office buildings.
Of course they do. They have all the jobs.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, come on, Tim, face it.
It's a male-dominated society,
and women have to make all the compromises.
I don't know what world you live in, but here at the Taylor household,
we have an equal relationship.
Oh, do you really believe that, Tim?
We're a '90s couple. We share everything 50/50 right down the middle.
Come sit down. OK, OK.
Let me give you a little test.
Jill gets a high-paying executive position.
Ooh, I like this test already.
Do I get to have a male secretary? You got him.
Can't type, but he looks really cute in jeans. Perfect.
OK, so, Tim, should she take this job?
If he's gay.
Yeah, absolutely.
The job's in Seattle.
So, it's fine. It's fine.
Well, maybe Jill doesn't wanna uproot the kids.
No, no, the kids love the idea.
Do we move, Tim?
Karen, this is stupid.
OK, OK, let me ask you another question.
Tool Time goes national, but you have to move to New York.
Do you go?
Yeah, it's my job. It'd be a perfect...
If it's OK with Jill.
Oh, so you're saying that your job is more important than hers?
She doesn't have a job. Answer the question, Tim.
Do you move to New York or Seattle?
I think a lot depends on where you'll be living.
(laughs)
Which is it, Tim?
She's just trying to confuse me.
You're avoiding the question.
I am not avoiding the question.
Is it Seattle or New York, Tim?
Detroit.
That's not answering the question.
New York or Seattle?
New York, Seattle... You know, I don't care where we live.
Just leave... leave me...
leave me... alone!
Ohh!
That had to hurt.
No, it didn't.
Ohh.
Ahh!
Mom, I'm not gonna go to the party.
What's the matter, hon?
I just found out there's gonna be an orchestra.
That means I have to dance.
Well, that'll be fun.
No, it won't.
I'll have to do old-people dancing.
Old-people dancing?
Yeah, the kind you and Dad do.
Oh, you mean really old?
Like, where you have to touch and junk?
Yeah.
Well, what if I teach you
how to do that old-people touching-dancing-junk thing?
Would you go to the dance then?
I guess.
Well, it's really very simple.
I can't believe I get to teach my oldest son how to dance!
OK, come here. Come on. Come on.
Come on.
You're gonna have to stand up real straight like a soldier, OK?
Put this hand on my back and this left hand in my hand here.
Ew! I can't dance with my mother.
Hey, I used to change your diaper and powder your butt.
Now, get over here.
You'll just follow me.
It's a real simple box step. Real easy, OK?
Go left, together, left, together,
right, together...
What's going on? Left, together...
Mom's teaching me how to dance.
He's got a slow dance tonight and he's a little scared,
but he's doing great. I'm doing awful.
Oh, you'll be great. You got a real good teacher.
Ready? Mm...
Left, together, left, together,
right, together, right, together.
That's right. Good.
Left, together, right, together,
right, together. Very good.
Wilson, do you think I'm a peace-loving guy?
Well, definitely, Tim.
You ever known me to start any wars?
No, but I was out of town that one weekend.
Every time Jill gets together with her friend Karen,
they accuse me of being aggressive
and destructive, starting wars.
They blame me for everything.
Well, Tim, that's just the burden you bear
for living in a patriarchal society.
Yeah. Patriarchal. Dominated by men.
(grunts)
That's right, Tim.
Mm-hmm, from the Latin pater, which means "father."
(laughs) Well, shiver my timbers.
Tim, I am impressed.
Well, don't be.
I saw it on a rerun of Mannix.
The point is, it's not my fault
that women have not ruled the world, men have ruled the world.
Well, that hasn't always been true, Tim.
Huh?
There was a time when we had a matriarchal society.
Matriarchal society.
Mm-hmm.
Run by maitre d's?
No, Tim, it's when women rule the world.
Get out of here.
What, they didn't have wars, they had Bake-Offs?
No. No, Tim, you'd be surprised.
Actually, the female of the species can be very aggressive.
So, what you're saying is that, when women ruled the world,
things weren't all that peaceful and nice.
No. No, no, no, no, Tim.
Absolute power corrupts absolutely,
with women as well as men.
In ancient Africa, they had entire female armies.
In Babylon, they would burn a man at the stake every spring
to ensure the fertility of the crops.
Ugh.
That's a hell of a price to pay for zucchini.
Well, I don't know, Tim.
Maybe one day men and women will learn to share the power,
to cooperate rather than dominate.
Tim, honey, this is Jennifer Sadarski.
Jennifer, this is Brad's father.
So you're Jennifer.
Hi, Mr. Taylor. It's nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you. Sit down.
Thank you.
(no audio)
What's the matter with her?
Jennifer, I love your dress.
Thank you.
And your little coat.
My dad watches your show, Mr. Taylor.
He's a real big fan.
Hey, I'll get him an autographed picture.
Oh, that would be great.
Uh, could you make it of Al? He really loves Al.
We all do.
Brad, get on down here, will ya?!
(Brad) I'll be down in a minute, Father!
"Father"?
Bradley's so polite.
Mom, Dad, guess what happened to Brad.
What is it?
(whispers) He got his tie stuck in his zipper.
I'll be right back.
Hey, Brad, don't fiddle with that.
(knocks on door) Son, you all right?
I got it out of my zipper,
but I can't get this tie straight.
Oh, come on, relax. Come here, come here.
It's just a simple tie. You did a good job.
The old Windsor knot. Always gives you trouble.
Dad... I'm scared.
Ohh, it's good to be scared.
All guys are scared.
They are?
Yeah. Goes way back to Babylon,
when men were scared of being burned at the stake
by a bunch of maitre d's.
Dad, I'm just scared when I hold her
my hands will get all sweaty and gross.
Oh. Simple trick I used to do, all right?
Wad these up, put them in your pants pocket. OK.
All right, the first hint of dampness,
shove your hands in your pockets, dry them off,
bring them back out, and you're back in the ball game.
Yeah, but what if I lead with the wrong foot
or step on her toes?
Dancing's not about who's leading.
Mom says the man always leads.
Well, when men and women are dancing correctly,
no one's leading.
You just move with the music.
You don't know how you get there,
but you just get there.
It's kind of like how your mom drives.
(laughing)
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Brad, you look so handsome.
And you got a very excited young lady
waiting downstairs for you.
(Tim) Brad?
Go get 'em, tiger.
(both grunting)
Good evening, Jennifer.
You look real good.
You know, pretty, I mean.
Thanks. So do you.
Not pretty, but, well, you know, handsome.
(gagging noises)
(Tim) Come here, you little...
I guess we should get going.
My father hates to wait.
His stomach gets upset, and then he starts to burp.
OK, well, I just wanna take one picture, OK?
Oh, Mom.
Better hurry up, honey.
Remember, Mr. Sadarski's in the car getting gassy.
OK, give me big smiles. Say "cheese."
(both) Cheese. Oh, it's stuck.
You always do this. I know.
(camera clicks) Ahh.
OK, this time for sure. Say "cheese."
(both) Cheese. Oh, that was great.
OK. You kids get going.
All right, now, listen, you two have a great time.
(Jennifer) We will! Bye-bye!
(sighs)
Tim, what you said upstairs was very nice.
Well, I was just trying to remember my first dance.
Wanna dance?
Promise I won't lead.
Me, either.
All right.
This isn't working. Somebody's gotta lead.
All right... together.
On three.
1... (grunts)
2... (grunts)
3.
(hums)
Oh, boy. Isn't this fun?
(chuckles)
All right, now I'll lead.
All right. It's a beautiful rhythm.
Hands and tools.
Ever looked in the eyes of a man
who's building something like a bamboo fly rod, mahogany boat
or a billeted steel piece of a hot rod?
Do you see aggression and destruction? No.
You see contentment.
Hands and tools, hands and tools
can change the world,
from building the smallest hobbyist train
to the largest outboard motor engines.
Look at this bad boy.
Most of you see just a hunk of metal.
Not me. This is hundreds of parts working a high RPM,
800 horsepower, tolerances of 1,000,
machined by hand, blueprinted, ported and polished.
Ar-ar-ar-ar.
But men aren't just into power and steel.
Craftsmanship, like this exquisite artwork here.
Not Al, the panel.
This antique Chinese privacy screen,
on loan to us from the Detroit Institute of Arts,
is composed of intricate carvings.
I think 2,000 man-hours, correct?
2,000 man-hours. Imagine that.
Intricacy beyond belief.
Every delicate little nuance as...
as delicate as crystal.
Each piece is so delicate, it could be snapped off just like that.
Very often they made a few movable pieces in these pieces...
kinda like those little Chinese boxes
that you don't know how to open 'em.
They're movable parts.
Al, do you suppose this is movable, this piece?
I don't think so, Tim.
Go get me that glue.
What for? Are you gonna glue it to your forehead?
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