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Dad, when's this gonna look like a birdhouse?
Soon, son, very soon.
Remember, God is in the details,
and details are what makes me a craftsman
and you a craftsboy. Oh-oh-oh.
Oh-oh-oh.
So, what are you making now?
Fireplace.
A fireplace?
Yes, even birds need a place to put their bowling trophies on.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Ooh, ooh, you know what?
I have some really cute little lace curtains
from an old dollhouse of mine in the attic.
I was saving it for the daughter we never had.
No, no. This is a man's birdhouse.
The next thing we put in is a leather recliner
so that little bird can kick back,
put his thin little legs up on the ottoman,
pick up the paper, read it, put it back on the floor, and poop on the paper.
Well, you're the expert.
All right. Mark, this has gotta dry for about 30 minutes,
and then we install the jacuzzi.
You know, I could live in this house.
You got the legs for it.
Tim, I want your opinion about a dress.
Quick, save yourself. Run, go now, run!
It's too late for me. Run, get out of here, go! I'll distract her.
Very cute. Which dress do you like?
Uh, either one. They both look nice.
I don't wanna look nice. I wanna look different.
Well, put 'em both on. Go for that layered look.
Oh, come on, Tim. I wanna make an impression at this opera fund-raiser.
When are you going to an opera fund-raiser?
We're going Saturday night.
Saturday night?
Yeah. I told you about this Wednesday morning.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I most certainly did.
You just weren't listening, as usual.
Oh, wasn't listening.
Why don't you repeat these things?
Every time you say something important, you're always walking out of the room.
"Oh, honey, by the way, this is very important.
"The health of our family relies on this...
(gibberish)
Saturday night."
Well, did you keep Saturday night open?
Why should I? I didn't know what all that...
(gibberish) was.
Why didn't you ask me? Why don't you repeat it?
I'm repeating it now. We're going.
Oh, man.
Oh, come on, Tim. It's gonna be lovely.
They're singing highlights from the Barber of Seville.
Stage full of 300-pound porkers going...
♪ I got a bad haircut, I got a bad haircut
♪ Oh, they screwed up my bangs
♪ You should've used conditioner
♪ He's... oh-ho! ♪
We're going.
Oh, oh, I almost forgot. Don't forget to pick up...
(gibberish) tomorrow!
♪ I didn't hear you, I didn't hear you! ♪
Well, spring is right around the corner.
Al, what do you look forward to at springtime?
Turning my clock ahead, Tim.
You party animal, you, Al.
When most people think of spring, they think of spring cleaning.
And nothing more important than cleaning your engine.
Lisa. What Al and Lisa are pushing out here
is the engine out of my wife's car. Ha-ha-ha. Just kidding.
This is a very filthy five-liter V-8, chrome valve covers,
aluminum high rise and a four-barrel carburetor.
There you go, Tim. Thank you, Lisa.
And after a long, hard winter,
you wanna gap your plugs,
flush your dirty radiator clean
and make sure your hose doesn't leak.
Let's not get too personal, Al.
First thing we wanna do is degrease this bad boy
using Binford's new Engine Clean.
It's perfect for home, auto and airplane.
All you gotta do is spray it on a hot engine,
rinse it off with ordinary tap water.
At this point, your wife may look at you, going,
(feminine voice) "What are you doing in this engine compartment
"cleaning a dirty, old engine, you dumb ox?
The floor needs cleaning!"
(normal voice) At this point,
I usually take the hood and go, "Dink." Ha-ha-ha.
That's...
P.O. Box 3273...
Al, Al, I think that women know that I'm just joshing.
Besides, why would a woman be looking under the hood of a car?
We don't look under the washing machine, do we?
That's P.O. Box 32733...
Detroit...
MI.
Anyway, the way a man treats his machine
says something about the man.
It says pride. Pride in workmanship.
That's what it's all about. You tell 'em, junior.
Boy, I like that kind of enthusiasm. You know what I'm talking about?
I sure do. Me and my partner been building cars for 42 years.
No kidding.
No, it's true. We were on the assembly line
at the Dearborn plant out there on Miller Road.
Why don't we talk to these guys? Two American workers.
Let's get 'em down here. Come on, you guys. Yeah! Come on.
Yeah. Come on. Yeah.
Hey, are we really on TV?
These aren't hairdryers, pal. Yeah, you're on TV.
Do we get Tool Time hats?
I don't have any, but, Al, let's get two hats for 'em.
All right, gentlemen, what are you names?
I'm Hick Peterson.
Hello, Hick. How you doing?
Eddie Phillips.
How you guys doing? Welcome to Tool Time. This is Al over here.
We know Al. Oh, we love Al!
Oh, we all love Al.
Hey, Al, come on. Give us one of them big salutes.
Al, Al, Al...
Al, Al, Al, Al...
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
I don't wanna disturb this love fest you have going here,
but let me remind you of something...
Al is my assistant. He assists me!
All right, gentlemen,
what do you say we sit down and chat a little bit?
Oh, yeah.
All week long, we been doing our salute to workmanship,
and who would know more about workmanship than you two guys?
40 some-odd years on the line. What'd you do?
Well, Hick here was headlight alignment. I was rear bumpers.
From the beginning to the end. Yep.
Cool. You know, 42 years on the line,
you must've pushed out some good Detroit iron.
Ah... let me ask you a question.
In all those years, what was your favorite car?
Oh, a '55 Thunderbird.
No doubt about it, the 'Bird.
Ford's answer to the Corvette. It was a two-seater. Had...
V-8 engine, three-speed overdrive...
front suspension, upper and lower A-arms and coil springs.
That thing, power-to-weight ratio,
it could do zero to 60 in under ten seconds. Ar-ar-ar.
Ar-ar-ar. Ar-ar-ar.
(coughs) Good one always cleans me out.
It must've been a great day watching that first T-bird roll off that line.
Oh, great day, but they were all good days back then.
We used to knock out about a hundred cars a day,
and after work, Hick and me, we'd go down and have a Stinky.
A Stinky? It's a sandwich.
It was my own invention.
Limburger cheese, sauerkraut,
big slice of Bermuda onion and some hot mustard.
Ooh-hoo. Ha-ha-ha.
Why didn't you just lick a skunk?
And, Tim, they still make a great Stinky at...
down at Big Mike's Tavern at Fourth and Jefferson!
Hey, that ought to take care of our tab.
Yeah, right. Hi, Mike.
Big Mike's Tavern.
That sounds like a man's bar there.
You know it, junior.
Pool tables, dark wood, American beer. Ha-ha-ha.
We go there all the time.
Fourth and Jefferson!
All right, all right. That's all the time we have for Tool Time this week.
Al, what do you say we give these two American workers a Tool Time salute?
Hey. Thank you.
And remember, men build machines.
They don't build themselves.
So next time you see a '55 T-bird, remember...
this is the face of the man who installed that bumper,
and this is the face of the man that aligned the headlights.
Remember... if you didn't put it together with your own hands,
it's not really yours.
See you next time on Tool Time. Ar-ar-ar.
Ar-ar-ar. Hey.
Hey, pea brain, what are you doing?
Getting a piece of bread to feed the birds in the backyard.
You doofus, birds don't eat bread. They eat worms.
Yeah, you have to do what the mommy bird does.
What's that?
Chew up the worms and spit it into the baby bird's mouth.
Ew. I'm not eating any worms.
Well, if you want the baby birds to starve...
Maybe I could just eat one worm.
Now you're talking.
Hey, guys, where you going?
Outside to feed the birds.
I'm gonna chew up a worm just like the mommy bird.
No, you're not.
Brad, Randy, I believe you two have homework to do.
Mark, spread the bread around for the birds, OK?
Hi.
Hi. How was your show?
Terrific. I heard about a new restaurant...
Big Mike's Tavern.
I thought maybe we'd go down there this weekend.
What night would be good?
Forget it. We are going to the opera fund-raiser.
Oh, man.
Now come here. I'm really excited.
I found the perfect thing to wear.
It's a little daring, but I think it's fun.
A tuxedo?
Yeah, what do you think?
Hee-hee-hee.
What's so funny?
I just never been out with a maitre d' before.
I don't know why I bothered to show you this.
You don't care about this fund-raiser.
It's not that I don't care.
I'm a little tired of you making these big plans without telling me.
Hold on. This whole thing was your idea in the first place.
What?
Yes. Mrs. Larson asked us at church two months ago,
and you said, "Oh, yeah, we'd love to come."
I didn't mean that. I was being polite.
She thought you meant it.
I thought you meant it. You should say what you mean.
Like you do?
Yes, like I do.
Wasn't it you that said Mrs. Larson looked...
(imitates Jill) just hideous...
(normal voice) ...in that purple muumuu she had on?
Well, she did look hideous.
She looked like a giant egg plant. So?
Aha. But when she comes back over the second time,
you said, "Ah, Mrs. Larson, you look lovely."
Why don't you say what you mean?
"You look hideous, you big, fat muumuu."
She didn't ask me if she looked hideous.
She asked you if we were going to the fund-raiser.
You said, "Yes," so she sent the tickets.
Why didn't you just tell me?
I did tell you. Tim, I told you three times.
I'm not stupid. If you told me three times,
I would've remembered saying no three times.
What are you saying, you're not gonna go?
No. This'll be the fourth time.
Then fine. I'll put a dress under my tux and take myself.
Ar-ar-arr-ar-arr-arr!
♪ Ahh! ♪
Here you go. One brewskie, one buttermilk.
Ah, a toast to Mike.
Here's to your health and to your happiness, sir.
How about paying your tab?
And to your fine generosity.
That'll be $3.
We take back our toast.
Hey, everybody, look who's here!
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Hello, Tim. Hey!
Hi, guys. Hi, everybody.
That's Mike over there behind the bar.
Hi, Mike. How you doing?
Good to meet you, Tim.
Tim Taylor. Good to my word, I brought you guys some hats.
Oh, man, thanks a million.
We promised you a Stinky. Mike, fix him a nice big one.
Coming right up.
Mike, don't bother.
It's not gonna bother me. I'm not the one eating it.
Hey, we're glad you dropped by.
There's a bunch of guys we used to work with are gonna be here tonight,
and, boy, would they love to meet you.
I'd love to, but not tonight.
I believe my wife is dragging me
to the Michigan Opera Theater fund-raiser...
Don't do it. What?
Just put your foot down and say, "Woman, I'm not goin'."
Now, you see? That's the attitude
that kept you a bachelor all your life.
Of course, your face didn't help much, either.
Well, the ladies down at the senior center don't seem to mind.
You should see me at those Saturday night dances, boy.
Sit down. Sit down. Just for a minute.
So what if it's the opera. Look on the good side of it.
You're gonna get to see your wife all dolled up in a beautiful gown...
She wants to wear a tux.
I hate to see a woman wearin' pants.
Down at senior center, I won't even dance with a woman
unless she's wearing nylons
with a nice seam right up the back of her legs.
Those aren't seams. Those are veins.
My point is, Tim, that in the old days, women wore dresses,
and they hung on your arm on a Saturday night,
and they liked it when you call 'em "dame."
I don't think Jill would like if...
(imitating Hick) I called dame.
Well, dame, doll, gal, babe. Whatever she likes.
That's good advice, but I really gotta get moving.
You haven't had your Stinky yet. You have it.
We haven't solved your problem yet.
I came in with hats, not a problem.
You mean your wife's making you someplace you don't wanna go
and she's starting to wear men's clothes,
and you're telling us you don't have a problem?
The problem is, up until yesterday,
I don't think she ever told me we're going to a fund-raiser.
That's a woman for you.
And the crazy thing is, she tells me she said it three times,
and I know she didn't.
Women like to control men, and they do it by confusing 'em.
See, by changing the rules and wanting to wear men's clothes.
Tim, you've got to fight confusion with confusion.
Oh, yeah?
You go home and you put on one of her dresses.
Ohh...
You want this man to wear a dress?
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Oh, don't listen to that old windbag.
Listen, I was married for 45 years,
and the one thing I learned
was that men and women are different.
Took him 45 years to figure that out.
Oh. All I'm saying is that women are subtle.
Your wife probably told you about this evening in her own way.
No, absolutely not.
If she'd told me, I would've remembered that.
Think. She never said anything about a fund-raiser?
No. She said, "I'm gonna dry-clean your tuxedo,"
and something about Saturday hors d'oeuvres.
That was it.
I mean, written something down on a paper, calendar.
Our calendar's circled on Saturday,
but all she wrote was, "Fur raisins."
Fur raisins? Yeah, fur raisins.
Fur raisin.
Could that be...
Fund-raiser? Fund-raiser?
Oh, no.
Hi, Mom.
Hi. I thought you were gonna paint that birdhouse stand
when your dad got home.
I wanted it to be a surprise.
How many coats of paint did you put on this?
12?
Yeah, he's gonna be real surprised.
Look, why don't you go get cleaned up,
and I'll clean your brush out for you, all right?
OK.
Don't touch anything on your way up, OK?
Hey, Wilson.
Hi-ho, lady neighbor.
What are you doing over there?
Oh, just letting off a little bit of steam, Jill.
Hmm-hmm. Nothing relaxes me more than a good game of croquet.
Can I ask you something?
Step up to the wicket, Jill.
Do you think that Tim is a good listener?
Yes, I think Tim is a very good listener.
Does he understand everything you say?
I think Tim is a very good listener.
Well, I don't think he listens to me at all.
I told him about this event we're going to three times,
and he acts like I never said anything.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I don't know how I could've been clearer.
I told him I was getting his tux cleaned,
I told him about the hors d'oeuvres
we were having Saturday night,
I even circled it on the calendar.
I did practically everything except sit him down and say,
"Tim, we are going to a fund-raiser Saturday night."
Oh, my God, I never did that.
Oh, man!
I can't believe it.
All of this arguing, and he was right.
Oh, no, I feel terrible. This is all my fault.
I should apologize to him.
Thank you, Wilson. You've really been a big help.
Hmm.
Somehow it's always easier with Jill.
Heh-heh-heh.
Oh, I'm so glad you're home. I've gotta tell you something.
I've got something real important to tell you.
You should let me go first.
No, please, let me. Come on.
All right.
I realized today that you probably did tell me about this fund-raiser.
You didn't come right out and tell me,
but in your subtle way, you said it, two or three times, anyway,
and when I'm not interested in something,
I don't pay attention.
It's my fault, I'm sorry, and I apologize.
Oh, thank you, sweetie.
We'll have a good time. What were you gonna tell me?
Nothin'.
See ya, guys.
Take it easy.
It was nice seeing Ziggy again, huh?
Boy, has he gone to the dogs.
Yeah, I hate it when a guy doesn't keep himself up.
Yeah.
Hey, look who's here.
I thought you had an event to go to.
Well, my wife and I communicated and compromised
and decided to spend half the night at the fund-raiser
and the other half of the night with you fellas.
All right.
And we're starving.
Fix you up a couple of Stinkys?
Oof. No. Still loving that one I had today.
How about your shrimp plate and a big salad for us? You got it.
I'm sorry. Guys... Hick, Eddie, this is my wife Jill.
It's a great pleasure to meet you, my dear.
Thank you very much.
My, my, my, my, my, my.
I love a woman in a tuxedo.
I thought you said you didn't like women in pants.
Did I say that, junior? Yes.
It's OK if it's a glamour package like Jill here.
Well, thank you.
You are one classy dame.
And you are trouble.
And you know it. Ha-ha-ha.
Hey, how about tripping the light fandango with me over there
if your husband doesn't mind?
You don't mind, do you, junior?
Junior? No, go ahead.
OK. Watch his hands.
I got a step I do down at the senior center I think you're gonna like.
There.
(♪ "When I Fall in Love" by Nat "King" Cole)
How would you like to be in my will?
Whoo!
Your wife certainly lights up a room.
Yeah, she certainly does.
I'm glad to see the two of you worked things out.
I don't know how we worked things out. I apologized.
I don't think I'm ever gonna figure her out.
Don't. You know, I was married to Tildy for 45 years,
and this woman, God rest her soul,
used to drive me absolutely crazy.
She had these ugly little porcelain cats
that she used to love to line up on a windowsill.
And every day for 45 years,
I used to take those cats off the windowsill
and put 'em in a cupboard,
and every day for 45 years,
she'd take 'em out of the cupboard and put 'em back.
Where are they now?
On a windowsill.
Didn't throw 'em out?
What for?
You know, you don't have to understand a woman.
All you gotta do is love her.
(Jill chuckles)
Hey, you get up there. Come on.
Oh, please.
♪ My heart
Ahem. Mind if I cut in?
Is it all right with you?
Oh, OK.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
♪ Is when I fall in love with you ♪
I finished the birdhouse.
Look.
They're sitting on the tree. Why don't they go in?
He's probably thinking the house is way too expensive.
"I'd have to win the lottery to go in there."
I don't think so, Tim.
He sees the jacuzzi and fresh papers everywhere.
Nah. He's saying, "Forget the papers.
Let's find a statue of Tim."
Oh, look, a cat. Just kidding, fellas.
(Jill) Stop picking at yourself.
(Tim) What's this itch over here? Oh...
You got one, too, huh? Yeah.
Where did I put that shoehorn?
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Well, you gave it to me.
The guy only lives... Wait. Hold on a second.
(laughter)
Ooh, that stuff's catching, honey.
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