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Mom, I can't find the hose.
What do you want it for, anyway?
Uh, nothing. Just something to do.
Why don't you read a book?
You can't make mud with a book. Mud?
We're playing commandos, putting mud on our faces for camouflage.
No mud.
(both) Aw, man!
Wait a second. Wait a second.
You really want your faces dirty? (both) Yeah.
OK, come here.
(imitating car engine) All right, take a sharp right.
All right, watch out for pedestrians and the refrigerator.
Got it, Dad. Beep-beep.
Hey, guys. (both) Hi, Dad.
What, are you giving each other facials?
No. We're playing commandos.
What, are you attacking a beauty salon or something?
(laughs) Hi, honey.
The auto parts god... Gear Shift... has shined on me.
I found this today at the junkyard.
(grunts)
(laughs)
That's my woman.
Woman, watch your man weld. Fire. Metal. Heat. Ar-ar-ar.
Oh, Tim, look out for the po... (crash)
pottery wheel.
Ohh, that had to hurt.
Try it, tell me what you think.
Mark, I think maybe you should go play commandos with your big bros.
Wow. Cool.
What's this doing in the garage?
I thought we wanted to put it in the basement.
We were, but I can't work down there.
Oh, come on. It'll be quiet. The kids won't go down there.
Ugh. It's just damp,
and there are bugs.
Well, I'll get you a sponge and an anteater or something.
No, look, my pottery teacher said
that I should work where the creative energy feels the strongest,
and since Paris is out of the question,
I picked the garage, and I really like it.
Well, I don't think it's creative energy you're sensing.
This is grease energy, it's man energy,
and it's... Oh, it's tough, even for a woman like you.
This would suck the estrogen right out of you, honey.
What you really mean is that it's your garage,
and I don't belong here.
What I really mean is, it's our garage,
and you don't belong out here.
Yeah, I see.
Now, didn't we agree to put this in the basement, hon?
OK. You got it. Move it.
Great. Get the door for me. All right.
How many guys brought this in here?
Just one little skinny guy.
OK.
(grunting)
Tim, you're gonna hurt your back.
You need to lift with your legs.
Is that what he did?
No, he had a forklift. Oh!
Honey...
Look, your area is way over there.
Mine is way over here.
If I bother you, you can just tell me, and I'll leave.
Good. Jill? What?
You're bothering me.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
I'm kidding. We'll share the garage. Good.
I was just concerned about your safety.
I gotta put on the steering box today,
and you know what that means?
Welding.
Sparks, heat,
noise, sweat.
Wow. We should have welded on our honeymoon.
Once you've installed your drawer,
it's always a good idea to slide it in a couple times...
Uhh. Oh? Rrah!
Just to make sure it's seated properly on the track.
You can always be confident now,
because the stop will prevent the drawer... Oh!
Jeez, Al! Thanks, Warren.
Al, you didn't get the stop in there.
I believe that was your job, Tim.
Al, I believe you're my assistant.
You're supposed to check up my work, right?
That's what a good assistant does, right, Al?
A good assistant does a lot more than that, Tim.
You're right, Al,
and that's why Al and I plan these minor slip-ups...
to demonstrate the importance of how a good assistant
can prevent accidents like this.
Isn't that right, Al?
I don't think so, Tim.
I think what Al means
is, if you're not careful and watch your step,
you can screw up just like Al did.
Tool Time tip... Don't be like Al.
See you next time, everybody.
(Lisa) Bye, guys.
Night, Lisa. Good night, Lisa.
Night, Al.
Al?
What's the matter, Allie?
Oo-hoo.
Aw, women troubles again, huh?
Come on, tell me. What's the matter?
If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you.
Well, if you won't tell me, how do I know?
Tim, you embarrassed me today.
Oh, that's no big deal. I always embarrass you.
Hey, the audience knows I'm kidding around.
I've gotten used to the fact that you don't respect me...
That's not true.
But sometimes your constant clowning
is a mockery of home improvement.
A mockery?
Yes. And sometimes it's just a little more than I can bear.
Oh, come on, Al,
you're not gonna cry, are you?
I might.
I take my work seriously. All you do is crack jokes.
Crack jokes? Well, the way you bend over like that...
Well, you see, now, that's what I'm talking about.
Al, this show's part entertainment.
It takes a lot of skill to entertain the audience while we do our projects.
Anyone can do what you do.
Oh, really? Do you think you can do what I do?
Oh, please, how hard can it be
to tell bad jokes and screw up all the time?
A lot harder than it looks.
That isn't all that you think I do, do you?
Yes.
And so do most of your viewers.
Hey, I got an idea, Al.
This is one you're gonna like.
Next time, why don't you try to host the show
and I'll try to be the assistant?
You really mean that?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
We'll call it Tool Time With Al "I Take My Job Seriously" Borland.
Fine.
Fine! Fine!
(softly) Fine.
(door closes) Hide!
Aw, man. Where'd everybody go?
Guess I have to do that welding
all by myself.
Oh, that's a thirsty job.
I'll get a big drink of water
before I go back out to the garage.
Aah! Aah!
Stop! No fair! Cut it out.
You surrender, or more squirts here?
You're not allowed to squirt water in the house.
Yeah, we're gonna tell Mom.
Ooh, commando's gonna tell his mommy.
Yeah, you're gonna get in real big trouble. Oh, am I?
My word against yours? Who do you think she's gonna believe?
Them. Wha...? Oh, honey.
Stop squirting that thing. Hey!
Get some towels and clean this up!
Oh, I don't know where they get this.
I do. Honey, honey...
Put 'em up. All right, I'm your prisoner.
Do what you will to me over and over.
Let's face it, Tim.
With you, once it's over, it's over.
Come here. I wanna show you something.
Ta-da! What do you think?
Wow. Whatever it is,
it's one of the finest examples I've ever seen.
No, no, it's a bowl.
No, Jill, it's... it's so much more than that.
(laughs) No, come on. This is not as easy as it looks.
This is the first thing I've gotten to stay standing up.
I'm so proud of it.
(sniffs)
What's that smell?
Oh, um, it's some lavender potpourri.
Lavender potpourri.
This is the garage, not the Liberace Museum.
Just go back to your hot rod and shut up.
(crackling)
(♪ opera)
Jill, I can't work with this noise.
How can you call that noise?
(singing along)
That's not noise, that's a proctology exam.
(music stops) Hey! Come on!
Honey, honey, ooh, ix-nay, ix-nay iggay-ay...
You remember you promised if you were bothering me, you'd leave?
I'm not bothering you.
Yes, you are. Well, don't be silly. I am not.
If I say you're bothering me, you're bothering me.
Well, then, you leave.
I'm building my hot rod out here.
Oh, and I'm just playing with clay.
Yeah. Well, well...
Oh, so your stuff is more important than my stuff?
No, but at least it's garage-y stuff.
You know? It's cars, it's tools, it's grease.
It's not this little artsy... Ohh.
I can fix th...
Hey, look at that.
I'm...
Mark, come out of there.
Did your brothers do this to you again?
I can't tell you. Randy told me not to. Let me see.
Don't untie me, Mom. I'm a prisoner.
It's the only way they'll let me play with them.
Jill, I fixed the pot.
You're not the only genius in the family.
(Jill) Thanks.
Well...
it's not perfect, but it's pretty close to the original.
Did you break a pot, too?
He's escaped! Book it!
Hey! Come back here.
Randy, did you do this to him?
The truth.
Well, I tied him up, but Brad put him in the closet.
Hey, she didn't ask anything about me.
Now untie him.
Come on, Mark.
I didn't tell on you.
She found me.
Jill, what is this? This is a garage-use timetable.
Since we can't share the garage together,
I thought we should share it separately.
Honey, I don't have any time on there.
I gave you plenty of spaces.
Oh, what, like between two and three on Tuesdays? I work.
Oh, that's right.
Well, I'll just take that space, too. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
I love this between 12 and 6am.
That's when we sleep together.
Now you're catching on, big boy.
I should have never let you into my garage in the first place.
Aha! Your garage. The truth comes out.
Honey, you know what I mean. I got the hot rod here. I got my tool bench.
I've already given you a place for the washing machines.
I guess I should be grateful
that you let me come into your garage
to do your laundry.
What I'm trying to get at is this is a man zone.
Where is the woman zone, Tim?
All I got is the garage. You got the whole rest of the damn house.
To do what, clean?
No. Knit, sew, cook, vacuum...
I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Ow! So am I.
And now Binford Tools is proud to present Tool Time...
with its very special guest host Al "the Tool Man" Borland.
(cheers and applause)
Hi!
Hi.
And... And welcome to Tool Time,
the show with more power.
Or!
Uh, you all know my guest assistant,
Tim "the Assistant Man" Taylor.
Tim and I are going to be showing you today
the proper method of installing...
uh, decorative molding
around the interior of a doorway.
Thank you, Lisa.
(knocks)
Jeez, Al.
Uh, Tim, do you suppose
if Little Miss Muffet went through there,
instead of a doorway,
they'd call it a "curds and whey"?
(snorts)
I don't think so, Al.
Why not?
That's Al "I Take My Job Seriously" Borland...
OK. So, uh, the most common decorative molding
are the casings which go around the doors and windows
and the baseboards...
Thank you, Tim...
which go on the, uh, uh, the... they go...
Bottom?
Bottom of the walls!
And the crown molding, which, of course, go up on...
Oh...
Could I assist you with that, Al?
No, thank you, Tim.
We could use a staple gun right to your Adam's apple, Al.
And, you know, speaking of staple guns,
the, uh... do you suppose that they call it a staple gun
because it shoots out staples?
Yes, I do, Al.
Well, I... I agree, Tim.
All right, first off,
we're gonna get to our miter box here.
Ah, so, but first, I would like to get something off my chest.
That tie?
Uh, I'm just...
I'm just a little bit cheesed here.
The other day, I was in the supermarket
and I was in the frozen foods section,
and they had lima beans, 3 for $1,
and I took four.
And the lady at the checkout counter said,
"Hey, can't you count?"
Women, huh? Are you with me on this?
Are you hot?
Al, I'm having a little trouble with the compressor back here!
(compressor thumps)
(hiss hiss hiss)
Oh! I hope we didn't scare anybody just then,
but it was Al's idea to stage a little disaster like this
to demonstrate the importance of keeping your
concentration at the workplace, right, Al?
That's right, Tim.
We'll get to your molding, then.
Molding?
Yeah, the molding, Al.
You know, when I'm molding, sometimes cutting in a miter,
I get splinters at the end of my wood.
What would you do about that, Al?
Well, you wanna take your tape and tape the front of the molding
before you start your miter.
Thank you, Al.
No, thank you, Tim.
Hey, Al, do you suppose they call this molding
because it's made out of stuff
that's been in the refrigerator a little too long?
I don't think so, Tim.
Why don't we finish that molding up
on the first part of this?
Ah-ah-ah!
Hey, don't do that to me!
What are you doing? Nothin'.
Nuh-uh. You're erasing Mom's name from the chart.
I am not.
Are too. Why does it say "J..."?
Code red, code red. Run!
Go, go.
(laughter)
You better keep running. I got a garden hose.
(Wilson) Hi-ho, good neighbor.
Hey, Wilson. What are you up to?
Just painting a self-portrait.
Yeah, of who?
Well, Tim, I believe that would be of me.
Yeah? Can I see what you got so far?
Sure, neighbor.
Mm? Mm-mm?
I got a question for you. Mind?
Well, Tim, I would never give you the brush-off.
Jill is trying to take over my garage.
Mm... I see. A coup de garage.
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
She just doesn't understand. It's my garage.
It's always been my garage. It's always gonna be my garage.
It's my zone.
It'll never be her garage because it's mine, mine, mine.
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
Well, Tim, men are territorial by nature. Yeah.
When you describe the garage as yours, yours, yours,
Jill's reaction is to protect herself from feeling unwelcome.
Yeah, and I might have said something to make her feel unwelcome.
Like what?
I told her to get out!
Well, Tim, that could cause some friction.
Friction...
You have to understand, Tim...
life for women is connections,
a struggle to avoid isolation and preserve intimacy.
Intimacy. Yeah, bingo.
Intimacy. That's what it's all about.
Wilson, you're always right.
Ah, ah, ah, Tim.
Always is as dangerous a word as never.
No, no, no. This makes perfect sense.
Jill put that potter's wheel in the garage
to be near me, to spend more time with me.
Thanks, Wilson. (opens door)
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Listen, Jill, I think I understand... Good.
You didn't let me finish what I understand.
Doesn't matter. If you understand something, that's enough for me.
I know why you put the potter's wheel in the garage.
And why did I do that, Tim?
It's your struggle to isolation
to preserve friction.
What?
It's all about intimacy.
You just wanna spend more time with me.
No, Tim. The reason I'm taking pottery is so I can get away from you.
What?
I need some time alone.
This doesn't have anything to do with intimacy?
No. I need some time and space
to do something that I enjoy for myself, for me,
where I don't have to think about you and the kids.
There's a fine how-do-you-do.
Well...
I always think about you.
Oh, really? Even when you're watching football.
Especially when I'm watching football.
I sit down and watch football, I'm always thinking,
"God, if Jill were here,
she could get me another beer."
Face it, Tim, we both need time away from each other.
Then that's what this is all about.
Yeah. And if we have the time away from each other,
then we can appreciate the time that we do have together.
Oh.
Like now.
Huh?
The kids are off at the park playing commandos.
I noticed that somebody erased my name from the next hour
on the garage timetable.
It's just you and me.
Got any ideas about what we could be doing?
I'm getting one.
And what would that be?
Work on the hot rod.
Oh...
Oh, ho-ho.
You won't believe it, but you were wrong, Wilson.
Jill didn't want intimacy.
Is that so?
And you'll never guess what she really wanted.
A little more time to herself?
Huh?
You see, Tim, as Kahlil Gibran said,
"For the pillars of the temple stand apart
and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."
Oh, it's beautiful. Oh, yeah, it is.
I have no idea what you just said.
I just mean that occasionally it's healthy for you and Jill to be apart.
Why didn't you say that in the first place?
It just came to me.
Sometimes it's not good to get me too early in the day, Tim.
Heh-heh-heh.
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