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All this week, Al and I have done our Tool Time salute to painting.
And I got to thinking about something a little disjointed.
Women have been telling me they think men are insensitive,
that we don't listen, and, boy, that really irks me. How about you, Al?
Well, Tim...
That's exactly my point, Al.
You know, men are sensitive to other things.
For instance,
when a woman sees a hot rod, what does she see? A car.
When a man sees a hot rod,
he sees all the love and care it took to make the details of the hot rod.
To illustrate my point, I've invited a good friend of mine,
Fred Axelby from Axelby Street Rods, down here on the show.
He's actually the one that motivated me to build my own hot rod. Ar-ar-ar.
Let's get him out here with a big Tool Time welcome.
Lisa, bring him on out.
Big hand. Come on.
There you go, Tim.
Thank you, Lisa. Fred, good to have you here.
Great to be here, Tim. Good deal.
What are we gonna do on the next show?
Tim, first, we're going to apply
120 coats of hand-rubbed lacquer.
Do you suppose a fender has 120 coats because it's cold? Ha.
I really doubt it, Tim.
It sounds like a lot of work, though.
It is, Tim, but it's worth it if you're a real detail man.
Details. See, it's exactly my point.
Well, there is one detail, Tim.
Al, we don't have any more time for details.
Join me next time when we put this fender back...
We just put that primer on backstage.
Was that the detail, Al?
Yes, it was, Tim.
Well, anyway, thanks for being with us.
I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor
hoping all your lacquer finishes are glossy.
See ya next time. Ar-ar-ar.
Ar-ar-ar.
Tim, a little thinner'll take that right off.
Great. Good night, Lisa.
Listen, I got some bad news. Murray called.
He can't make the poker game tonight.
Oh, no. We can't play with three men.
Well, maybe we should call it off.
No, we're not calling it off.
I don't care if I have to drag some idiot off the street.
Excuse me, Tim.
Al, hey, we need a fourth player for our poker game tonight.
You wanna join us?
Oh, I haven't played in about ten years.
Perfect. Perfect.
Why don't you come over about 7:30, then?
OK. Who's playing?
Be Fred, myself, you and Charlie, my brother-in-law.
I think you've met him.
Oh, just the guys, huh? You bet.
OK, well, what should I wear?
Well, Al, I can't speak for Fred or Charlie,
but I'd like to see you in something simple yet revealing.
What you're say is, it doesn't matter.
That's what I'm saying, unless you get an evening dress...
I'll see you 7:30. OK, buddy.
Oh, that smells.
Do we have to eat it?
No, honey, this isn't food.
I'm gonna give myself a facial tonight before I go to bed.
Will you stir this for me? Hi.
Hi. I got everything I need. Chips, soda.
All ready for that poker game. Whoa-ho-ho-ho.
Looks like your mom made some dip.
Don't eat that!
I know, it's for the company.
Is that your mother's recipe?
No, it's not a dip. It's an organic face mask.
(pretends to vomit)
See, what I do is I put this in the refrigerator for a little while,
and then, when I put it on my face, it makes it all pretty and tight.
It looks just like this...
Hi, everybody. I'm so beautiful.
Hey, Mom, can Brad and I stay home tonight?
No. It's poker night. Men only, no children.
But, Dad, Mom and Aunt Robin
want to take us to an arts-and-crafts fair.
Great. It's a good thing to do.
Men's handiwork. Craftsmen. Men. Wood. You'll love it.
Oh, man.
Tim, if the boys don't wanna go,
maybe we should all just stay home.
No. When you sister gets here, she goes, Charlie stays.
It's a man's night tonight.
Man's night.
Yeah, man's night...
Cigars, smoke, scratching parts of you,
burping, body noises without any kind of apology.
(girlish voice) "Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry."
How is that different from any other night?
Well, there'll be other men doing it with me.
(doorbell rings)
I'll get it. Charlie, open your wallet right now,
'cause I got the...
Hi, Robin. Where's Charlie?
Last time I saw my husband,
he was on the corner of Fulton and Fourth.
Why?
He said he'd rather walk than let me drive,
so I took off with him.
We were supposed to play poker tonight.
Tim, I think she's upset.
How can you think about poker when my marriage is falling apart?
I figure if it's falling apart,
I better win something from Charlie before the alimony starts.
Tim, you are an insensitive cretin.
You're right. Dip?
Tim!
(pounding on door) Robin! Robin!
Are you nuts?
Charlie. Hey, Tim.
I told you you can drive here. Why did you leave me there?
I didn't like your attitude.
Charlie, what happened?
I was driving over here, and she started nagging on me.
"Let me drive. Let me drive."
So I pull over, I get out of the car so she can scoot over,
and she took off on me.
(whistles) Buddy, a little advice.
When you're arguing in the car, don't get out. Ha-ha-ha.
For your information, I wasn't nagging!
Oh... what do you call that screaming in my ear for 14 blocks, Rob?
Oh, God, it's started. They'll be at this for hours.
Get your sister out of the house so we can play cards.
Tim, she's my sister. I gotta help her.
Take her to that craft fair, knit a rug, blow some glass, I don't care,
but get her out of the house.
We'll get them out as soon as they calm down, OK?
Dad, Aunt Robin locked herself in our bathroom.
Does that mean we're not gonna go to the arts-and-crafts fair?
You're going to the arts-and-crafts fair
as soon as your Aunt Robin is ready to go.
Robin, gimme those keys!
No.
I want them now.
OK, fine, you want your keys...
There are your keys.
Aunt Robin, are we still going to the arts-and-crafts fair?
No, honey, I'm not going anywhere.
(both) Yeah, we're not going to the fair!
Great.
I can't believe she threw my keys into the bushes.
Yeah, that must've been 30 feet.
She always had a real good arm.
Maybe I ought to find my keys and get out of here.
No. The guys' poker game is the last thing you got left in your life.
Don't give up everything to her.
I've only been married 23 days,
and every day, it's been the same thing... nag, nag, nag.
"Pick up your socks, pick up your underwear, pick up your dishes."
Charlie, pick up your keys.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Let me tell you something about women.
Women are a product of their mothers
and their mothers before that and their mothers before that.
This nagging is a genetic thing. It goes way back, you know?
Maybe the caveman days.
The Serengeti's quiet, you can hear a pin drop, but out of a cave hole...
(feminine voice) Hey, Grog, get your hairy butt out of that bed.
Did you drag this wildebeest across this floor?
I been down on my knuckles and knees all day!
I washed your loincloth this morning.
Use some leaves, will ya?
(normal voice) Why do you think men invented the wheel?
So we could leave home now and then.
It's crazy. All right, my deal.
Seven-card stud. Everybody ante.
Why do they call it stud?
I think it's because you're here, Al.
(laughter)
Charlie, you should've seen
this '40s Chevy project I was working on.
Oh, that pick-up down at your shop.
It's lime green, metal flake, about a mile-deep paint job.
This thing is unbelievable.
454... 454...
Tunnel ram, dual quads, polished heads...
350 turbo trans, ten-inch torque converter.
I mean, a sweet piece of metal.
This it right here... men talking, cigar smoke, cars.
Ar-ar-ar-ar!
Don't mind me. I'm getting a soda.
You're not down here to get a soda. You're down here...
Charlie, please. Robin, this is the third soda in ten minutes.
Jill and I are thirsty. Do you have any chips?
Yeah. There you go. Want some dip?
Ha-ha-ha.
Chips'll be fine.
(Tim flicks the cards)
Charlie, she's gonna keep interrupting the game if you don't apologize.
Hey, never apologize.
It's admitting you're wrong.
I have never once apologized to any woman.
Freddie, how many times you been married? Three.
Why do you suppose that is?
I can't find a woman who understands me.
Let me jump in here, if I could.
Charlie, Jill and I have been married 12 years.
Good marriage for one reason.
Every day, I get up, look her in the eyes and say, "Jill, I'm sorry."
For what?
Everything. Just being a man, having an Adam's apple,
just breathing, that's it.
Why should I apologize? She's the one who drove off.
It doesn't matter who's at fault here.
If you don't apologize, we're not gonna play cards.
Robin? What?
Come on down here. Charlie wants to say something to you.
Now, when you apologize to a woman, just look at the floor and nod.
All right, all right.
You know, the apology might be more effective if you really meant it.
Ha-ha.
Guess which one of us at this table's not married.
Boom.
You wanted to say something?
I'm... sorry.
Good apology.
Very good.
Honey, I shouldn't have driven off.
Oh, that's OK.
So, from now on, when I want to drive the car, I can?
Hey, I said I was sorry, not stupid.
Oh, no!
Quarter to you.
(mutters)
All right.
I fold.
Really? You folded every hand tonight, Al.
I prefer to be cautious.
There's a reason they call it gambling, Al.
I'll call.
OK. Two pair. Queens and eights.
Man, I haven't had a decent hand all night.
Well, I haven't seen Robin for a while. Maybe she's OK now.
Mm-mmm, no, she's not OK.
Hey, I know I'm a bit of a slob,
but she used to think it was cute before we were married,
and now I can't get her off my back.
You want her off your back?
Do something unexpected, like the laundry,
but make sure she knows you're doing it.
"Honey, where's the fabric softener?
I'm doing the laundry!"
And then when you start mumbling, like,
"I can't seem to get the whites as clean as you get 'em, hon."
They love that stuff.
Tim, the trouble with your whites
may be you're not presoaking.
Thank you, Al.
Let's ante up.
All right.
You know, I been married 12 years,
and the reason I have a good marriage is because of one word... compromise.
Who does all the compromising in a relationship? Men.
It's always 60/40. Now let's play some cards.
Three kings. Is that good?
I fold. Me, too.
I fold.
I like everything to be 5-0, 5-0.
I like a he to be a he and a she to be a she.
Robbie, can I give you just a little piece of advice?
Oh, no.
Well, you're gonna hear it, anyway.
(turns off TV)
Marriage is about one thing... compromise
and guess who gets to do most of that. We do.
It's 70/30.
Unless you count child birth. Then it's 97/3. Yeah, I know.
Listen, you need to learn to let some things go,
because you know you make everything such a big deal.
Just eliminate the things that drive you the craziest.
That would be Charlie.
He is such a slob, Jill.
He leaves his clothes on the floors,
wet towels on the bed.
I wish he was more like Tim.
Ahh...
At least Tim helps you out around the house.
Of course he does. I trained him.
Without me, he'd still be in the backyard,
eating out of a trough.
How did you train him?
Well, first, I got rid of the trough.
Come on, what did you do?
I just used positive reinforcement.
You remember that puppy that Dad brought home
that we had so much trouble housebreaking?
Puddles? Yeah.
I did the same stuff with Tim that we did with Puddles.
This is good. You taught him to roll over and play dead?
No. Tim already knew how to do that.
All right, a quarter to you. I'm in.
I'm in. Me, too.
(all) Al folds.
I'm in.
You don't say. Welcome to the game. It's about damn time.
How much is the most you can raise?
Heh. There's a $3 limit, Daddy Warbucks, but...
OK, I raise that.
You must have something good. I'm out.
I'm out. You better have something good.
I'm sticking. What do you have, Al?
A flush. All black cards. Read 'em and cry!
Ahem. I hate to burst your bubble, Al,
but a flush is all the same suit,
clubs, diamonds...
all the same something.
Oh. Then I fold.
Ante up. Let's play.
Jill and I have been talking,
and I realize your car means a lot to you,
and I think we should discuss it.
In a minute, Rob.
No, we need to talk now.
Unbelievable. You wait till I get three aces.
I fold.
I fold. I fold.
Oh, oh...
Thanks a lot, Rob. You blew the whole hand.
I guess I'm the only one worried about this relationship.
Come on, I'm not worried about the relationship.
I thought the best thing about being married
was knowing we're always gonna be there to work it out.
You mean that?
Yes.
You're not mad about the three aces?
No, but I'm crazy about The Four Tops.
I missed you, cupcake.
I missed you, too, pookie.
Now we got that over with, can we play cards now, Chuck?
You wanna go home? Let's go.
Charlie, where you going? We're playing cards here.
See you next month, Tim.
Good night, Charlie. Bye, Charlie.
We can't play with three guys. Charlie!
Maybe Jill would like to join us.
No, she wouldn't.
Oh, thanks, Al. I love poker.
You can't sit down at this table unless you can bench-press 150 pounds.
Oh...
Al, sit down.
Come on, Tim, I can play poker.
You want Chicago, High-Low, Anaconda, what?
What's Anaconda?
It's a snake, Al. Shut up for a minute.
You can't play at this table
unless you know the compression ratio of a 327 Chevy engine.
Boy, you are really tough on your wife.
Oh, talk about it, Mr. Three Alimony Payment Man.
I'm very good to my wife.
Then you should let her play.
Yeah, that's right.
OK, great. Let's lift up the felt,
put down some doilies, get the sewing machine out.
This was supposed to be men playing poker tonight.
You can't play poker with three people.
How about Canasta?
Now you're talkin'.
Arr!
Wilson, could I ask you a question?
I believe you just did, Tim.
Heard a lot of noise
coming from your house tonight.
Yeah, it's Jill's sister and her husband. Newlyweds. They're always fighting.
(snickers) Well, I seem to remember a couple of newlyweds
that moved in next door to me
that I thought would never stop fighting.
Jill and I. Boy, is that odd.
We been married 12 years, and I still get so mad at her, just 'cause she's a woman.
Well, so what is your question?
How do women and men even stay together?
It has to do with barb wire, Tim.
Uhh?
As a boy, I used to spend summers at my Uncle Leonard's farm.
At the edge of his property, he had a huge oak tree.
Running through the middle of that tree was an old barbed-wire fence.
It went right through the tree?
Right through the middle of the tree.
When a tree is planted close to a fence, it has nowhere to grow.
As it expands and grows bigger,
it extends over the fence and slowly envelops the wire.
The two separate entities gradually become one.
Huh. Am I the tree or the barbed wire?
Well, I don't think you're the tree, Tim.
Ha-ha-ha.
Aw, the point is,
the two were joined without destroying the tree
or losing the integrity of the fence.
It's almost as if they... belong together.
Like Jill and me.
Oh...
Well, I don't know, Tim,
but it looks like everything in the universe
is in harmony tonight.
Not quite yet, Wilson.
Hi.
I'm sorry your poker night turned out to be a bust.
Well, it certainly wasn't your fault,
and I do apologize for being so rough.
It's just that sometimes I don't know where
my fence ends and your tree begins.
Huh?
I just wanted one night of playing poker with the guys.
With the guys.
That was it.
Well, I think I can give that to you.
Just call me Murray.
So how about those Pistons? Think they'll win the series?
You're pathetic.
What's the game? Depends on what we're playing.
High card.
What are the stakes?
Winner has to kiss the loser.
Murray...
I had no idea.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
I'm in.
All right. Oh...
Come here, Murray.
Get rid of that cigar.
Before we go, let's take one last look at this fender.
Boy, that hard work paid off, Al.
We applied 120 coats of lacquer. Mm-mm-mm.
We, Tim? Well, you did the first layer of lacquer.
I did the next 119.
Well, like I said, between us, we applied 120 coats.
You know, this fender reminds me of a good marriage.
Stick with me on this one. All you see on the outside is a shiny lacquer finish.
You don't know about the hard work that went into it, like a good marriage.
You see a good marriage on the outside,
but don't know about the hard work that went into it.
The enamel finish and the marriage,
both need hard work and dedication to make them come out right.
The only difference is... ha-ha-ha...
you want your mother-in-law to steer clear of your marriage,
but right in front of your fender. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Just kidding, Donna. Ha-ha.
That's it for me, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, with my buddy Al,
saying so long, see you next time. Ar-ar-ar.
Why are men so loud?
I think the testosterone affects their hearing.
I just attached my TV to my stereo.
80 watts a channel, and I still can't listen to it.
The wife's always going, "Turn it down, turn it down."
Got the remote. "Wish I could turn you down that easy."
What is it with women and loud music?
I think it's the estrogen.
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