Today we get to mess with
a Binford 60-pound upright electric jackhammer.
You know, Al, they say that breakin' up is hard to do.
Ha-ha. Evidently Neil Sedaka never played one of these bad boys.
This can make some real noise -
130 pulsating decibels of jackhammer.
Ar-ar-ar-ar-oh-oh-ar-ar-ar.
Oh-oh-oh. You're right, Tim.
That's why we'll be protecting our hearing
with these soft foam-filled plastic cushioned earmuffs.
That's right, Al, and as any ZZ Top fan knows,
hearing loss begins at 85 decibels.
At 100 decibels, you have your ordinary 10-inch table saw.
(table saw whines)
At 120 decibels, you have your 12-inch radial arm saw.
(radial arm saw whines)
And very dangerous at 180 decibels,
you have your unbelievable 68-inch mother-in-law.
(woman sings)
(singing cut off)
Just kidding, Nana.
Al... earmuffs on.
All right, plug me in, Al.
I'll need to get AC power to this thing quick, all right?
Plug it in, Al.
Al!
Fly's down.
You're fired. (laughs)
You know, ladies, as Al's best friend,
I'd like to talk to you about him for a minute if I could.
The beard - pretty cheesy-looking, isn't it?
And those flannel shirts do nothing for me.
As Al's dating record will attest, they don't do much for him, either.
(jackhammer clacking)
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Well, what do you think? Can we put the kids in the middle?
Here's the last of 'em.
It was really nice of your mom to give us these encyclopedias.
What are you doing with the trunk?
Putting books in it. This thing's gonna weigh a ton.
I've got two boxes in the garage for this.
Well, that's silly.
Just use this, and you don't have to make two trips.
Right. I'll be making two trips anyway -
one to the garage and one to the hospital.
Oh, honey, you can do this.
You used to bench press your body weight in college.
You're heavier now. Should be able to lift more.
If that were true, you should be able to lift the whole...
The whole what?
The whole wheat bread over there...
I got the lead.
Yeah. Oh, my baby got the lead!
He's gonna play Peter Pan. Good going, buddy.
I knew that he had that spark, that thing that says,
"I am an artist. I live for the theater."
Down, Jill. Down. I told you this.
When he was in that Christmas pageant,
all the other kids stood up on the stage.
Randy... (deep voice) stood up on the stage.
He probably gets it from you, hon,
'cause you don't just burn meat loaf,
you... (deep voice) burn meat loaf.
I'm just glad I finally have a kid
who appreciates culture.
Yeah, and the best part is
I get to miss social studies for a month.
Honey, what is this?
Nothing. Oh, yeah?
"Desire's Passion in the Wind."
It's nothing. I bought it in the grocery store line.
And these? No...
"Desire's Real Passion."
"The Sweet Kiss of Desire."
"Desire and the Leprechaun." (laughs)
Cut it out.
I didn't know you liked books like this.
I know it sounds silly, but they're actually very well written.
Really?
(clears throat)
(English accent) "Her heart stood still
"as Derek swept her into his arms.
"His sinewy biceps rippled
"as he carried her up the stairs
to a night of eternal ecstasy."
(normal voice) Oh, please.
OK, so I enjoy cheap romance and drama.
Fine. I'll bring some hand puppets to the bedroom.
Come on, I'll help you
get this over out to the garage.
Whoa. This is a lot heavier than I thought it was.
(deep voice) Maybe Derek should help, with those sinewy biceps.
He probably could. He's only 21.
Step aside, little lady.
Come on, Tim. I was just teasing you.
A minute ago, you were asking me to carry it. No, no, no.
That was before I knew how heavy it was.
You don't think I can carry this?
Maybe, if there weren't any books in it.
I can lift it, with the books. Oh, come on, Tim.
You're gonna hurt yourself.
Oh, watch my biceps ripple one by one.
(grunting)
Trunk of desire.
It's all in the legs, babe.
Ohh.
Ohh. Ahh.
Ohh. Gee.
Ohh!
(groaning)
Do you have to go to the bathroom, Dad?
I don't think that...
I don't think I'm ever gonna go to the bathroom again.
What happened?
I pulled my groin.
What's that?
My very favorite muscle.
I'll get Mom. No, no, no, don't tell your mother.
Don't tell your mother. Why not?
Whenever I get hurt, she makes me feel better.
Well, that's regular pain. This is man pain.
How do you know if you have regular pain or man pain?
If you do something stupid, it's probably man pain.
But if you don't tell Mom, isn't that lying?
Not if you don't say the words.
If you said the words, it'd be lying.
What if she asks me? Lie.
Lisa.
Al, Al, come here. I need some help.
I don't believe that's part of my job description, Tim.
Just stand there and block my view,
and tell me if anybody's coming, OK?
Uh-huh.
Butterfly's loose.
You ever feel like your whole groin is on fire?
Every night, Tim.
15 seconds, guys. Thanks, Lisa.
What happened is I pulled a groin muscle yesterday at home.
I went to the doctor this morning.
He said I'm not supposed to lift anything heavy,
so we have to change the format of the show a little bit today.
You are gonna have to do all the work.
And what would the change be, Tim?
(Lisa) Does everybody know what time it is? (audience) Tool Time!
That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!
(cheers and applause)
Thank you.
Aw, thank you very much. Welcome to Tool Time.
I'm your host Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor,
and of course we all know my assistant Al.
Al, what are we up to today?
Well, Tim, today we're gonna be showing you
how to patch up your sidewalk or driveway, and to do that,
we're gonna need to mix up some... concrete.
That's right. Concrete.
Cement, sand, gravel and water.
A man's Play-Doh. Ha-ha.
The best place to get concrete, of course, is a cement truck,
but of course none of us have a cement truck.
But we'd all like one, wouldn't we?
Who wouldn't want 65,000 pounds of hydraulic diesel power...?
Oh, yeah. 10 yarder, 15-chute, spit wad of gravel-churn...
Ar-ar-ar-ahh-ooh.
But quite frankly, who needs 65,000 pounds of cement?
Nobody, not unless you have your mother-in-law visit,
and you want to make her some loafers. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Just kidding, Nana.
Speaking of loafers...
Al, why don't we mix up that concrete?
Well, since we'll only be mixing up a small amount,
all we'll need is a wheelbarrow, water, sand and cement.
Sounds like that recipe
for the cookies you brought in yesterday.
My mother made those, Tim.
Oh, I'm sorry. Hope she's dating a dentist.
Here you go, Tim.
Oh! Aah!
We'll be right back after these messages from Binford.
Hey, shut up, Brad! Boys...
Face it. You're the king of dorks.
(TV playing)
Dad, look.
Oh-ho.
Yeah, this is my costume. I look like an elf.
No, elves have those pointed shoes.
Yeah, like these?
Exactly like those.
Yeah, they even match his sissy green tights.
Cut it out. They're not sissy.
All your superheroes wear tights.
Superman, Batman, Spider-Man... Wonder Woman.
Hey, shut up. You gotta wear tights if you fly.
It's an FAA regulation. It's aerodynamic or something.
Yeah, but I'm not gonna fly.
What do you mean? You gotta fly.
You're the Pan Man, man.
Yeah, well, Mrs. Miller says I'm supposed to, like, prance.
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
Oh, no, no. No, stop. Don't do that. No!
Men don't prance.
We walk, we run, we skip if no one's looking.
We jump, that sort of stuff.
But we don't ever, ever prance.
Ohh. Ohh.
Yeah, but I can't fly. The school doesn't have the equipment.
They don't?
No, and nobody knows how to build it.
Nobody knows how to build it? Oh-ho-ho.
Wait, Dad. Dad, no.
A pulley system... Cut it out. No. Dad.
Hey, hey, hey, you wanna fly, I'm the guy can fly you.
A double-ratchet pulley system,
counterweight or something...
I can get you flying 90 miles an hour around that school.
Well, yeah, I'd rather prance.
No one ever died in a prancing accident.
You know, as I see it, fella,
you got two choices.
One - you're soaring 30 feet in the air,
swooping, diving, twisting, turning over the audience.
They're looking up, going, "What's he flying for? What's he gonna do to us?"
Or... you can prance around
in that dorky little green outfit
wearing elf shoes.
Fly me.
Yes. Yes. Yea-ow.
Ow. Ohh.
I'm home. Aha-honey. Honey.
Hi. Hi.
Are the kids home?
Randy just went upstairs.
Oh. You wanna help me with the groceries?
Uh, Jill, I wanna tell you something.
Yesterday, when I lifted that trunk...
Oh, well, that is so weird that you mentioned that,
'cause I have been thinking about it all day.
What? Well, I...
I know I told you not to do it. You were right.
And I know I'm supposed to be way past this.
It's embarrassing, but I gotta tell ya. I know what you're gonna say.
It really turned me on. (grunts) Huh?
Hey, Mom, is it OK if I go to Tommy's?
Please.
When you heaved that trunk
up onto those powerful arms,
and I saw all those muscles rippling,
I thought, "Whoa. That is no boy.
That's my man!"
(laughs)
Where are we going? Going upstairs.
Upstairs?
Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.
OK. (laughs)
Let's go upstairs.
Tim? What is it?
(sighs)
Carry me. Huh?
(thud/Tim groans)
(groaning)
Oh, honey, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
Honey, this isn't your fault.
It's not my fault. I jumped into your arms.
OK, it was your fault.
What do you want me to do? Shall I get you some ice? Ice would be good.
I'm no doctor, but I think I pulled my groin muscle.
Oh, no. Mark, have you seen the ice pack?
It's in the garage. I'll get it.
What is it doing in the garage?
Brad made a parachute for Mrs. Thompson's cat.
What?
It didn't work.
Why do you need an ice pack?
Well, Daddy hurt himself.
You mean he told you about his man pain?
His "man pain"? What man pain would that be?
It's the pain I'm not supposed to tell you about.
Oh, I already know about that.
You know he hurt his favorite muscle?
Sure.
I just don't know how he did it.
How did he do that?
Carrying the trunk.
Oh, right. Carrying the trunk.
Is Daddy going to be OK?
Oh, yeah. Daddy's gonna be fine.
Mommy's gonna take good care of Daddy.
Oh, honey, I just... I feel so bad.
You know, I never realized
that I weigh so much more than that trunk.
Honey, that trunk didn't give birth to three kids.
That's right.
I think you maybe hurt me worse than I thought.
Probably be a good idea if I sat on the couch all week and watched football.
I'd feel better, I think.
Well, that's a good idea. Oh, and you know what else?
I could get you a little bell,
and you could ring it whenever you need me.
That's silly. If I need you, I'll just yell.
Oh, good idea. Here's your ice.
Aah! Aah!
Well, pookums,
did I hurt your man pain?
Mark, you squealer!
She tricked me!
Hi-de-ho, neighbor.
Hey, Wilson.
And what are you doing over there?
Oh, I'm designing a pulley system
to fly Randy for his school play.
He's playing Peter Pan.
I notice you're hobbling, there, Tim. Yeah.
I pulled my groin muscle trying to lift this trunk for Jill.
Ouchihuahua.
Well, if you needed help, why didn't you call me?
I wanted to show her that I could do it myself.
Oh, I see.
After all this time, you still want to impress your bride.
Yeah, that's kinda it.
You know, Jill and I have been married for 13 years... 14.
14 years, you know, and...
I still try to show off for her now and then.
I think what you did had a certain... nobility.
You see, Tim, you were being a peacock.
Yeah. Oh. (grunts)
That's good, huh? Oh, yes.
You were trying to impress your peahen by displaying your plumage.
God, and I pulled the heck out of my plumage.
Mm-hmm-hmm-hmm.
What's really bothering you, Tim?
It's nothing. Well, Wilson, I'm confused.
I'm carrying this trunk of books,
and I find out she likes these books
about all these guys with rippling muscles,
so I wanted to show her my rippling muscles.
These guys end up carrying women off upstairs to ecstasy,
and I pull a groin muscle.
Well, Tim, I think you've got something over these young guys.
You do? Uh-huh.
Yes, it's best summed up in an ancient Chinese proverb.
It goes... (speaking Chinese)
Wait, is that Peking dialect?
I am so sorry, Tim.
It may lose a bit in the translation,
but it goes,
"A great lover is not one who romances
a different woman every night."
(grunts)
"A great lover is one
who romances the same woman for a lifetime."
That's something to think about, isn't it?
Is there anything you don't know, Wilson?
I don't know.
Pay attention, boys. I'll show you how it's done.
Dad, when is the ice cream truck coming?
How am I supposed to know?
See? I told you, stupid. Look.
Peter Pan is always played by a woman.
No way. Look at the pictures.
"Mary Martin, Sandy Duncan."
Oh, no.
Dad, why isn't the ice cream truck here? I don't know.
Dad, why didn't you tell me it's a girl's part?
I can't do this.
No, no. We're Taylors. We're not quitters.
And besides, just because a woman does it doesn't mean a man can't do it.
It's time to reclaim Peter Pan.
Make him your kind of guy,
a guy that whittles, ice skates and goes on his skateboard.
A man's man, a guy with hairy chest. Ar-ar-ar.
Dad, is the ice cream truck coming soon?
Would you forget about the ice cream truck for a minute?! Ow. Ohh.
Brad, let's start flying.
Pull the rope. Dad, there's no way we can fly you.
Yes, there is a way you can fly me. You know why?
Because I've got all these pulleys counterweighted, OK?
This isn't just piano wire. This is aircraft cable.
We could lift Nana with this stuff.
Wow. You're darn right, "wow."
All right, fly me like an eagle. Pull it up like I showed you.
No wonder men don't play this part.
Guys, hold it. I don't have it rigged right.
Whoa. No. Ohh.
Stop, please. Come on, Dad. Think happy thoughts.
You're married. You're out of the house.
Now, go on. Get back, get back.
All right, now fly me. Go, go.
It's that simple.
(Jill) Tim, what are you doing?!
He's flying, Mom!
You crazy?
Come on, guys. Fly me up so I can see my peahen.
Mom, Dad called you a pea brain! That's not what I said.
Come on, guys. All together, pull me up there.
Mark, Randy, grab the rope.
(all shout)
(laughing)
What are you doing? Just hear me out, hon.
Well, stop it. Get down from there.
I just wanna explain the groin thing.
You don't have to explain.
I'm sorry I put the ice down your pants.
Don't be sorry about that. It melted. It felt great.
Just get down. You can come inside.
I was trying to impress you, and you know what I thought?
I don't need a different Chinese woman every night. What?
I just need you for the rest of my life.
See, after 13 years of marriage... 14.
14 years, I want you still to be impressed with me.
I am impressed with you.
Come inside before you hurt yourself.
I know what I'm doing. I'm flying, honey!
That's backwards. That's not easy.
I'm a peacock. I'm spreading my wings for you.
Tim, peacocks can't fly.
(♪ ice cream truck music) (Mark) Ice cream truck's here!
(Randy) Ice cream! (Brad) All right!
Hey, guys, don't let go of that rope! Aah!
(thud)
Oh, I love that play so much.
I wanna be Peter Pan when I grow up.
When you told the audience to save Tinker Bell,
I clapped so hard.
Randy, what'd I tell you? See all those people looking up at you?
I saw Jennifer looking at me.
She wanted to know where you bought your tights.
All right, all right.
You guys fly up to bed.
Don't forget to brush your teeth.
(Randy) Night, Dad.
(Jill and Tim) Good night.
(Brad) Good night.
Jill? Yeah?
I feel better. Well, that's good, honey.
Nah. I mean, I feel a lot better.
(laughs) Oh.
OK, well, um, you lock up down here,
and I'll go upstairs and wait for Mr. Peacock.
(muttering) Got the bad arm and the bad leg.
Why don't I just lock up?
You can just walk upstairs and wait for Mr. Peacock.
Oh, he left his hat down here.
(spine cracks) Ohh!
(groans)
Jill!
(cheers and applause)
(men grunt)
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