What's the first thing we need to do? Al?
Find a stud, Tim.
And I think we've come to the right place, haven't we?
Ha-ha-ha-ha. Al, do you recognize this?
Your razor, Tim?
No. Actually, it's your razor, Al. I picked it up backstage.
Electric razor can double as a stud finder.
(razor runs)
No stud there.
Actually, Al's electric razor can be a stud finder.
If you listen, the sound of it changes the closer you get to a stud.
(finds stud)
My mother gave me that razor, Tim.
Why? Did she go back to blades?
This razor can not only keep Al's mother whisker-free,
it's a handy way to find studs around the house.
Well, Tim, I also have a helpful household hint.
I'm going to show the audience
something you don't ordinarily do with a potato.
You might wanna keep the kids away from the TV set. Tim.
Here's a safe way to take a broken bulb from its socket.
You simply take a cut potato, jam it into the socket, twist...
And in minutes, you have thousands of curly fries...
Tim, Tim, Tim...
I doubted the razor, but I gave it a chance.
Please do not mock my potato.
You say potato, I say stupid. Ha-ha-ha.
Tim, this'll work.
You twist and pull the broken bulb right out of the socket.
But first, you must...
Jam it in the light.
Unplug the lamp.
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What do you think? Can we put the kids in the middle?
Congratulations. You're now the ping-pong champion in the Taylor house.
You let me win.
I didn't let you win. You got that delicate, high, slow lob.
I lose concentration before it hits the table. That's brilliant.
Where are all the mugs?
In the sink with the dirty dishes.
Aw, shucks. I wanted a cup of coffee.
Why don't you just wash one?
Mark, a man never loads a dishwasher
till the sink is completely filled.
And besides, I just want some coffee,
and all I need there is something with a handle,
and I think the moo-cow creamer is gonna work.
Mmm.
That's good. That's good.
Hi, sweetie. Hi, honey.
Great news. Mr. Preston, the Features editor,
loved the research that I did on the weekend getaway story.
That's great.
He's gonna let me research next month's cover story.
I get to work for a whole 'nother week. I am so excited.
That's great. The cover? You been working a month, you're doing the cover?
Yes.
What are you gonna do, Tiger Stadium moving? The new riverfront project?
Compost.
You're not bringing your work home, are ya?
No. It's industrial compost. Hi, sweetie.
Could be the answer to the big garbage problem.
Did you not notice the dirty dishes in the sink?
I didn't notice those there.
But, Dad, you said...
Eat a grape.
I'm going downstairs.
What are you doing?
Moo!
Enjoying a cup of coffee.
You are sucking coffee out of a cow.
That way, I don't have to add milk.
Hmm. You are so pathetic.
Listen, I got to get this compost research story done by Friday,
so I'm gonna need all the help I can get.
You need to run this house.
Moo!
Not a problem.
I would feel a lot better if you would say,
"I'll do the best I can."
You want to say I'll do the best I can? Not a problem.
This is a list of all the things you have to do tomorrow.
See, this is the dry-cleaning slip. You gotta pick that up.
Then go to the grocery store. Here's the list for that.
Oh, you gotta make the boys' lunches.
Can you put in some celery sticks or carrot sticks?
Jill, they don't eat that stuff.
They just turn into vegetable missiles in a food fight.
Honey, I'll be able to relax and work a lot better
if I know that you're back here doing everything the right way.
You mean your way?
That's what I said, the right way.
Mom, we need our pants for football practice.
Oh, no, I meant to wash those this morning.
It's OK. I'll take care of it. I'm running things now.
Guys, let's go wash those pants.
Tim, you know, this is really a complicated deal here.
There's two loads. There's a dark load.
That needs cold water and this darker-blue bleach.
And the white load needs hot water and the white bleach.
And you can't forget to add the fabric softener.
What time is practice?
15 minutes.
That load's done.
Thanks, Dad.
Tim, where are the boys' lunches?
I only have two hands, OK?
I'll load the dishwasher, then I'll make their lunches.
No, no. Honey, you have to make the lunches and then load the dishwasher.
What is the difference? (bus horn honks)
There's the bus. That's the difference.
Oh, no.
Now they don't have any lunch.
Hold on, guys. I got this covered.
I'm buying lunch today. Here's two bucks.
Buy something nutritious.
Yeah, right.
Yeah, go get some carrots
out of that vending machine they have.
Dad, can I have $2 for Mark? He's outside waiting for us.
Make sure he gets it. He will.
At least Mark won't spend the money on junk food.
Dad, can I have a peanut butter sandwich in my lunch today?
What are you doing here? I gave your brothers your lunch money.
At least they didn't beat him up for it.
You're gonna miss the bus.
It's OK. Don't worry about it.
I will just give you a ride to school on my way to the compost heap.
Try not to confuse those two, hon.
Are we gonna make the gingerbread house tonight?
Oh, right, the PTA bake sale.
Um, honey, I think we may have to buy that at the bakery this year.
But you said you were gonna make one with me.
I know I did. I'm really sorry. I'm so busy this week.
Hey, I'll make you a gingerbread house.
Really?
Yeah, and not some dinky little house.
We'll get a gingerbread
full-service truck and auto service center.
Wow.
Darn right wow. Oh!
Go get your coat.
Tim, honey, don't use the blue sponge on the counter.
Huh?
The blue sponge is for the dishes.
The green sponge is for the counter.
What's the difference?
You're not supposed to use the same sponge on the counter as the dishes.
So the blue sponge is just for the sink?
No, not always.
When the blue sponge gets dirty,
it gets demoted from the dishes to the counter.
The green sponge gets demoted from the counter to the floor.
Then I pull a new out from here. It might be blue, it might be yellow.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Tim, are you gonna be able to handle...
I'll be able to handle it. 'cause if you can't, I could just...
Let me do this my way, OK?
You know, Jill... I think it's just about time
you saw how effective my way can be.
Mark, shall we show her what's in the garage?
Why?
Dad fixed the washer.
Aw, no!
What did you do to my washing machine?!
Why is it on life support?
I improved it.
Unimprove it. Come on, honey.
It has lights.
Just for effect, OK?
I have revolutionized the laundry-care system.
Now stay with me on this, OK?
You're watching TV. You're watching a little football game...
I don't like football.
All right, you're watching the op... era,
and it's third and goal, and you hear the buzzer, baap!
Time to add the fabric softener, you go, "Oh, you don't wanna leave."
You'll miss that fat broad with the horns doing
the high notes, spiking the ball, all right?
You see what I've got here?
Bleach, detergent, fabric softener on timers and tubes.
This adds it by itself on a timed cycle.
It's about ready to go right about...
(timer goes off)
I can't believe it. It worked. It actually worked.
As you see, honey, I've got things under control, so have a nice day.
It actually worked. Have a nice day, hon.
And don't sound so shocked. Mark, Mark. (whistles)
This morning, I improved the washer.
This afternoon, I improve the dryer.
How?
Oh, ho-ho-ho.
See this? Binford's 20-amp, high-density electric motor.
Once I attach that to the dryer, that'll spin so fast...
You know those cowboys on your PJs?
They'll be throwing up in their saddlebags.
Wow.
Arr-arr-arr-arr!
I just think we have done sheet rock to death.
"Sheet rock to death."
Doesn't sound like you talking. That sounds like Maureen Binford.
Well, she is the producer.
And I don't think she wants to do a show on sheet rock.
I don't give a sheet rock what she wants to do.
People, people, let's gather.
Maureen, there's only two of us out here.
I think we're gathered.
Good. OK. Let's confab about tomorrow's show.
All set. Tomorrow, we're gonna do sheet rock installation.
Oh, Tim, we've done sheet rock to death.
I was just telling Tim...
Shut up, Al.
You want to electrocute me in a lamp again with a potato?
No, silly. We already did that.
But I do think we should devote the show to more clever household hints.
I'm thinking... The Bachelor Corner with Al.
Al?
Yeah, you know, how to get spots out with club soda.
Or using vinegar and water to clean windows.
That's a good one. Or how to iron with wax paper.
Maureen, this is a man's show.
We give man advice.
How to pull a nail out of your foot.
What... What to do with a severed finger.
Men don't wanna know about ironing.
Well, Tim, a lot of men are single.
Yes, they are. And wax paper between the folds when you're ironing
really does give you a nice pleat.
Thank you, Al.
I'll remember that next time we do Cross-dressing Day.
OK, well, I get the feeling we're simpatico. Yes, no, maybe?
We'll do the sheet rock installation.
No, we won't, Tim. Need I remind you...
Producer! (laughs)
(mocking her) Annoying!
He is such a card.
Yes, he is, and he needs to be dealt with.
Are you two through?
Oh, I almost forgot. Jill called.
She needs you to pick up Randy.
She said something about being up to her ears in compost.
Toodles. Oh, I never see that.
I gotta pick up Randy. Jill was supposed to pick up Randy.
I'm doing a lot more than my share around the house these days.
Well, Tim, marriage is all about compromise,
give and take,
understanding each other and sharing.
That was beautiful, Al.
Wanna hold hands and sing "Feelings"?
I was just trying to help.
I don't need help on my marriage
from a guy who hasn't been married.
You think I don't know
what it feels like to be married to you?
Huh?
Sharing a workbench for three long years
and never having you once put the cap back on the epoxy.
And don't think that I haven't noticed
that you squeeze the tube from the middle instead of the end.
These are some of things
I have to take home with me every night.
I don't think we should call your segment "Bachelor Corner."
We should call it "The Alone and Desperate Corner."
I really appreciate this, Wilson.
My pleasure, good neighbor.
Always happy to help out with a molasses emergency.
Jill's working extra hours, so I didn't have a chance to get to the store.
Mm, so you're running the house tonight?
I'm trying to, but she's not making it any easier.
Mm-hmm, mm-mm-mm.
She just can't stand
to let me do things the way I want to do them,
because she just won't deal with the fact
that my ways may be different, but they get the job done.
Well, Tim, sometimes it's hard for people to accept new ideas.
Not me. Thank you.
Well, you're a very special man,
quite like Galileo.
Yeah. Had his wine.
No, no, no. Tim...
I'm talking about the 17th-century Italian astronomer.
He was ridiculed
for teaching that the earth revolves around the sun.
And he believed that?
Tim, the earth does revolve around the sun.
Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, yeah, it does.
It's just we're spinning, so we don't notice it.
There you go, good neighbor. What happened to him?
Well, he was threatened with torture and forced to confess that he was wrong.
That's what Jill would like to do to me,
but I'm not confessing anything,
'cause I'm not doing anything wrong.
Tim, that's not the point of the story.
I don't care. I'm gonna keep doing things my way because we're getting things done.
Thanks a lot, Wilson.
Tim? Tim? Can we talk about compromise?
Thanks.
What is the paint pan for?
I wanna make sure the walls of the truck and auto service center
are big enough to handle the big rigs.
Mom never uses paint pans.
Do I look like Mom?
On occasion.
Is the paint pan clean?
Of course. I scrubbed it out with turpentine.
Dad, that's never gonna fit in the oven.
It'll fit right in the oven. I already...
Just tip it a little bit, goes right in there.
Mom's gonna freak when she sees the mess you're making.
Don't worry about it. This is a self-cleaning oven.
Dad, these walls won't stay up.
Would you guys work with me on this?
That's why I got the caulking compound over here.
You can't use caulk. You have to be able to eat it.
We don't have to worry about that.
We're just selling it. Somebody else is eating it.
Wait, wait. Maybe caulk would be a last resort.
Let's try to make the icing work.
Go out to the garage, get me some "C" clamps and duct tape.
You wrecked it, you wrecked it!
Way to go. Fiddling around with the thing now!
It was an accident.
You did it on purpose.
Get off me, you little flea!
Come on, let him up.
Dad, I can't find the "C" clamps.
Whoa, something's burning.
No!
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
You OK?
Yeah. "C" clamps...
Help!
What's going on here?
Hey, hey, hey! Get off of him right now!
He started it. He wrecked my gingerbread house!
Boys, just go upstairs. Now!
Boy, you're home early.
What is happening here?
I spilled a little batter. The oven was too hot, I think, when I put it in there.
You used a paint pan?
Yeah, trying to make those walls big enough for the big rig...
Don't explain. We'll just scrape it out. Maybe we can save some of the batter.
Good. That's it... Where's my old spatula?
It's right over here.
It doesn't go over here. It goes over here.
Not when I'm doing the cooking. That's where it goes.
When you're home doing the cooking, you put it where you want it.
When I'm home? Is that what all this is about?
What?
So finally it comes out. You don't want me to work.
Because I moved a spatula?
You resent the fact that I am working.
I do not!
Then why don't you do one thing the way I ask you to do it?
One? I've done everything
on your stupid little list over here.
You screwed up everything on my stupid little list over there!
I haven't screwed up everything.
Name one thing you didn't screw up. Um...
Well?
Laundry?
Dad, the dryer's going crazy!
Hold on. I'll handle this. You just...
Wow, this is great.
Come on, get off of there, Randy.
Get him off. Unplug it over there.
Aah! You do it.
Honey, it's just 220.
Be careful. Aah!
Here, just stop the thing. Stop it.
All right, I got it.
Look, I got this rubber glove.
All right, I got... Honey, honey.
All right. Aah! I got it!
Hey!
Wow. Cool.
I have friends who'd pay good money to ride this.
Out.
Oh, man, everybody gets to make money except for me.
Look at there. Everything's all dry.
Maybe this is just a sign
that I'm not supposed to be working.
What do you mean by that?
We're fighting about spatulas, you're riding the dryer.
I don't know that it's worth it.
But you wanna work.
I wanna work, Tim, but I also don't want the house to fall apart.
I see. It's always like that.
I ride one appliance in the garage...
and you get all bent out of shape.
The house isn't gonna fall apart if you're not here, and I'm here!
And don't take this wrong, but you don't have to work.
I want to work.
We got three kids we gotta get through college.
Or a good trade school.
I like working. You know, and I'm good at it.
I think that I could move up. I might even be an editor.
But the whole time I'm working, I worry about what's going on at the house,
and when I'm at the house, I worry about work. I just wish there were two of me.
Could I sleep in the middle?
Morning, Jill. Hello there, Jill.
Hey.
Fine. If you don't wanna talk about it, I'm gonna figure it out by myself.
And that, my dear, is the problem.
You wanna do everything by yourself.
There are two people. The other person here is me.
You got to learn how to let me do some of the stuff the way I wanna do it.
Like giving the boys lunch money?
Burning down the kitchen,
riding the thing around the garage?
Hold on, back the truck up.
Some of the things went well today, you know.
Tim, look around you.
You practically wrecked the house.
I'll have you know
I wrecked this house long before you ever got a job.
And I'll be wrecking this house long after you got a job.
The kids were dressed, they had their breakfast, they got to school,
they had their lunch, and they came home, and they were safe.
So maybe my way wasn't that dangerous after all,
and some of the things did work, didn't they?
Well, that washing machine...
What about the washing machine?
That was pretty cool.
(grunts) You like that? Oh-oh-oh.
Yeah.
(makes monkey noises)
So if this is gonna work,
then I'm gonna have to let go of some things
and make sure that the smoke detector is working.
You got to put a battery in that thing.
I think so.
And if you're gonna come home early,
gimme a phone call first.
Yeah, right.
All right, well, as long as we're both here together,
why don't you help me clean up?
Honey, I think this is the first time
that I'm going to let go of something.
Whoa! That icing is really bad.
That's 'cause it's not icing.
Huh?
It's polyvinyl acetate caulking compound.
You've just weather-proofed your tongue, honey.
I'll sue!
(makes engine sounds)
Don't run, run, run. We got a piece of artwork here.
It's crooked.
I designed it this way.
This is a gingerbread truck and auto service center
after a major earthquake.
Do you actually think anybody's gonna buy this?
Yes, I actually think somebody's going to buy this.
Tim, you can't charge $156.
Why? That's what it cost.
Boys, put on your coats and mittens and stuff.
Mark, are you ready?!
Has anybody seen my good blue sweater?
Uh, I did. It's in the...
What?
I don't know.
Brad?
Gee, I don't know.
I'm ready.
Mark, have you seen my good blue sweater?
It's in the dryer.
Thanks, big mouth.
Oh...
H-H-Honey, you OK?
What is this?
Boys, put on your coats and mittens and stuff.
Randy... What is your name?
Yeah, it's Randy, Mom.
Well, you are a very special man,
quite like Galileo.
Yeah, I love his wine.
No, no, no, Tim. No, no, no.
I'm talking about the 17th-century Italian astronomer.
He was... a very fat man.
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