1
00:00:03,037 --> 00:00:06,149
Fuses in, wired up.
2
00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:08,207
I'm gonna try the horn.
Cover your ears, Mark.
3
00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:12,011
Aah!
4
00:00:15,916 --> 00:00:18,750
Dad, the horn is blinding me!
5
00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:23,367
Just a crossed wire, son.
6
00:00:23,391 --> 00:00:25,369
That's what it's gonna
say on your tombstone -
7
00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:27,937
"It was just a crossed wire."
8
00:00:27,961 --> 00:00:29,680
We've gotta get in
the kitchen and start
9
00:00:29,704 --> 00:00:31,708
making those cupcakes
for the school carnival.
10
00:00:31,732 --> 00:00:35,678
Honey, there's one thing you should
know about men - We don't make cupcakes.
11
00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:38,615
Come on, you promised
me that you'd help me.
12
00:00:38,639 --> 00:00:42,719
Another thing you should
know about men - We lie.
13
00:00:42,743 --> 00:00:45,355
Tim, I have thousands
of those things to make.
14
00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:48,625
I can't believe you're not gonna
pitch in and help with this carnival.
15
00:00:48,649 --> 00:00:49,993
I did pitch in.
16
00:00:50,017 --> 00:00:52,195
Don't forget about my
"Stump The Tool Man" booth.
17
00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:53,530
How could I forget?
18
00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:57,467
Last year, you kept getting
stumped by that 12-year-old.
19
00:00:57,491 --> 00:01:00,370
Did you get the cardboard
cutouts for the photo booth?
20
00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:02,805
Yeah, right over here.
21
00:01:02,829 --> 00:01:04,396
This is for the men...
22
00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:11,814
(imitates Arnold
Schwarzenegger) Maria! Maria!
23
00:01:11,838 --> 00:01:14,573
I can't itch my own back!
24
00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:17,354
And for the women...
25
00:01:17,378 --> 00:01:19,111
(Jill laughs)
26
00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:23,260
Hi. It's lovely, Tim.
27
00:01:23,284 --> 00:01:27,018
Her thumb is on the wrong side of
her right hand, and she has no left arm.
28
00:01:29,390 --> 00:01:32,124
I didn't even notice
that she had any arms.
29
00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:40,074
-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.org ] ==-
30
00:02:42,563 --> 00:02:44,929
What do you think? Could
we put the kids in the middle?
31
00:02:50,471 --> 00:02:53,716
Gotcha! Gotcha
again! Gotcha back!
32
00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:55,718
What are you guys doing?
33
00:02:55,742 --> 00:02:59,122
We're doing our taxes.
What's it look like?
34
00:02:59,146 --> 00:03:00,390
I got winner.
35
00:03:00,414 --> 00:03:02,292
I was here first.
I've got winner.
36
00:03:02,316 --> 00:03:04,394
No way we're
playing you. You stink.
37
00:03:04,418 --> 00:03:06,963
You stink even worse than Dad.
38
00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:10,500
Hey, a little respect.
I stink the most.
39
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:12,402
I've seen Mark play.
He could beat you guys.
40
00:03:12,426 --> 00:03:13,670
No way. Gotcha!
41
00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:16,173
Gotcha! How
about a little wager?
42
00:03:16,197 --> 00:03:18,975
If Mark beats the winner,
you both clean the basement.
43
00:03:18,999 --> 00:03:23,446
If you can beat him, the
movies all afternoon on me.
44
00:03:23,470 --> 00:03:25,982
(computer) Kill!
45
00:03:26,006 --> 00:03:27,016
Well?
46
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,152
I accept the
challenge. Have a seat.
47
00:03:29,176 --> 00:03:31,254
One game, winner take all?
48
00:03:31,278 --> 00:03:33,579
You guys got your jockstraps on?
49
00:03:35,416 --> 00:03:36,926
All right, here we go.
50
00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:39,296
One, two, three, go!
51
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:41,030
Go, go. What are you doing?
52
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,200
Ha-ha!
53
00:03:43,224 --> 00:03:45,190
(computer) Kill! I win!
54
00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:53,577
When you guys are down
there cleaning that basement,
55
00:03:53,601 --> 00:03:56,441
don't touch those hot-rod
magazines. That's your inheritance.
56
00:03:59,005 --> 00:04:00,983
How could you let him beat you?
57
00:04:01,007 --> 00:04:03,775
I was overconfident.
I'm used to playing Dad.
58
00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:06,811
Hi, sweetie. Hi, Mom.
59
00:04:08,549 --> 00:04:11,127
Hi, Jill. Hi.
60
00:04:11,151 --> 00:04:13,863
I just heard the most
depressing story.
61
00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:17,133
I suppose you're gonna
share it with me? Yes, I am.
62
00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:19,802
I've been researching that
article on plastic surgery.
63
00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:24,073
I just interviewed a woman who
bought herself a whole new body
64
00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:28,378
because her husband left
her for a younger woman.
65
00:04:28,402 --> 00:04:31,470
They were married
12 years, had four kids.
66
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,218
She made a big mistake.
67
00:04:35,242 --> 00:04:37,487
I'm glad you feel that way.
68
00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:41,680
Had she had this surgery some time
ago, she could have saved the marriage.
69
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,799
You've come a long way, Tim.
70
00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:52,869
Listen, Jill... after 12 years
of marriage and all those kids,
71
00:04:52,893 --> 00:04:56,205
women tend to let
themselves go, spread out.
72
00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:58,549
Most men aren't
as forgiving as I am.
73
00:05:02,369 --> 00:05:07,216
Excuse me. Did you say that you
have forgiven me for letting myself go?
74
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:09,886
No, that's not what I said.
75
00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:14,291
That is exactly what you said.
76
00:05:14,315 --> 00:05:16,526
Well, I didn't mean that.
77
00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:18,317
What did you mean?
78
00:05:26,026 --> 00:05:29,472
I... I mean...
79
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:33,097
those Tigers have a shot at the
pennant with good pitching this year.
80
00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:37,547
Does everybody
know what time it is?
81
00:05:37,571 --> 00:05:39,549
(all) Tool Time!
82
00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:41,551
That's right. Binford
Tools is proud to present
83
00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:44,075
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo!
84
00:05:48,949 --> 00:05:52,094
Thank you, Heidi, and
welcome to Tool Time.
85
00:05:52,118 --> 00:05:53,596
I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor,
86
00:05:53,620 --> 00:05:56,254
and you all know my assistant
- Al "Table For One" Borland.
87
00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:00,470
Need I remind you that I
now have a significant other?
88
00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:03,673
Oh, I'm sorry. It's Al
"Table For Two" Borland.
89
00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:07,644
But if his mom's dining with him,
it's Al "Table For Seven" Borland.
90
00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:11,436
"Al, where's the
salad bar?" (moos)
91
00:06:13,006 --> 00:06:15,218
We're gonna show you
how to refinish a table today,
92
00:06:15,242 --> 00:06:17,821
and we'll show you the steps
necessary using these three tables,
93
00:06:17,845 --> 00:06:20,857
all of which we bought
for $3 at a garage sale.
94
00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:23,493
Actually, I bought them, and
you haven't reimbursed me yet.
95
00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:26,429
Before we refinish, let's decide
what kind of wood we're dealing with.
96
00:06:26,453 --> 00:06:30,032
A simple pat underneath will tell
you if you're dealing with raw wood or -
97
00:06:30,056 --> 00:06:31,835
eww - old chewing gum.
98
00:06:31,859 --> 00:06:33,903
Al can actually
determine what flavor it is
99
00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:36,038
just by tasting it. Take a try.
100
00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:38,375
I don't think so, Tim.
101
00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:41,745
Now, the underside of
this table has been painted,
102
00:06:41,769 --> 00:06:43,813
so, Marv, if you wanna
come down here...
103
00:06:43,837 --> 00:06:46,716
We're gonna chip away a
little bit of the paint there,
104
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,718
find out what
we're dealing with.
105
00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:52,655
It's maple, one of my
favorite types of wood.
106
00:06:52,679 --> 00:06:54,679
Yeah, and syrup. Ha-ha-ha.
107
00:06:57,451 --> 00:07:02,832
All right, so next step after
you've identified the type of wood
108
00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:05,402
is, uh, stripping the wood.
109
00:07:05,426 --> 00:07:07,437
Now, obviously,
we've stripped this side.
110
00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:10,206
We used Insta-Strip by Binford.
111
00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:13,042
After you finish stripping,
acknowledge your applause,
112
00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:15,306
gather up your clothes
and head back to your trailer.
113
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:22,752
All right, now we're
ready for sanding.
114
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:26,956
In this case, you wanna use
Binford's 6100 palm sander.
115
00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:28,958
If you don't own a palm sander,
116
00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:30,960
use a sanding attachment
to any Binford drill.
117
00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:32,995
Don't use an attachment
on fine furniture
118
00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:35,364
because it will leave
unsightly swirl marks.
119
00:07:35,388 --> 00:07:37,068
Says who? Everybody.
120
00:07:38,692 --> 00:07:40,737
And you listen to
what everybody says?
121
00:07:40,761 --> 00:07:42,327
Unless it's you.
122
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:49,946
I'll show you, Al.
I'll prove it to you.
123
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:52,715
Heidi, my super-sander, please.
124
00:07:52,739 --> 00:07:55,284
Here you go, Tim.
Thank you, Heidi.
125
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:56,588
Thank you.
126
00:07:58,111 --> 00:08:00,345
Before you sand this table,
will you reimburse me?
127
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:11,133
It's stuck in the
middle! Move it around!
128
00:08:11,157 --> 00:08:14,804
Don't leave it in one
spot! You'll wreck it!
129
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:16,595
How do you know?
130
00:08:24,270 --> 00:08:28,084
Now all we need is a square peg.
131
00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:29,875
Al, hop in!
132
00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:40,630
Whoa!
133
00:08:40,654 --> 00:08:44,155
Check out this babe on
Dad's hot-rod magazine.
134
00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:48,938
Whoa. One question.
135
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:52,308
Who works on a car in
a bikini and high heels?
136
00:08:52,332 --> 00:08:55,233
I do. Oh!
137
00:08:58,271 --> 00:09:00,249
Unless I'm working
under the car.
138
00:09:00,273 --> 00:09:03,185
Then I go with a
halter top and flats.
139
00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:06,623
You're supposed to be working on the
basement, not gawking at my car magazines.
140
00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:09,993
Dad, we've been working all
morning. We needed a babe break.
141
00:09:10,017 --> 00:09:12,161
Don't call her that.
She's got a name.
142
00:09:12,185 --> 00:09:14,831
Ohh...
143
00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:18,668
That's Miss Dual Exhaust 1984.
144
00:09:18,692 --> 00:09:21,704
Get back to work, guys.
Let me do the gawking.
145
00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:24,741
Well, you're allowed to
gawk, aren't you, Dad?
146
00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:27,977
I don't gawk. I've got all the
babe I need right upstairs.
147
00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:30,301
Does Mom know about her?
148
00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:37,520
All right, wise guy, come
here and look at these.
149
00:09:37,544 --> 00:09:38,922
Who's that?
150
00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:41,613
Whoa!
151
00:09:42,849 --> 00:09:45,094
She's a babe!
152
00:09:45,118 --> 00:09:47,552
She's your mom!
153
00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:53,570
I just called my mom a babe.
154
00:09:53,594 --> 00:09:56,606
Who's the good-looking
guy next to her in this picture?
155
00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:59,876
That would be... not me.
156
00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:03,312
There's a lot of "not
you's" in this box, Dad.
157
00:10:03,336 --> 00:10:06,649
The important thing is,
I'm with her now, beanhead.
158
00:10:06,673 --> 00:10:10,587
Why would Mom pick you out
of all these good-looking guys?
159
00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:12,789
I was good-looking
as these guys once.
160
00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:15,179
You had to be better
looking than that geek.
161
00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:20,085
I'd say that geek's pretty
good-looking, actually.
162
00:10:23,657 --> 00:10:26,124
The geek is Dad.
163
00:10:35,769 --> 00:10:37,947
This is what Tim
picked for the carnival.
164
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:40,950
It figures. That's
what all men want.
165
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:42,986
Oh, no, not Al.
166
00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:46,355
Al too. Last time we
went miniature golfing,
167
00:10:46,379 --> 00:10:49,726
there was a woman ahead of
us wearing a skin-tight T-shirt.
168
00:10:49,750 --> 00:10:53,430
It's the only time I've ever
seen Al go 28 over par.
169
00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:56,933
I'm so disillusioned.
170
00:10:56,957 --> 00:10:58,289
All right, let me try.
171
00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:03,862
I bet you those
aren't even real.
172
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:09,779
They're a lot more real than
some I've been seeing lately.
173
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:11,580
Excuse me?
174
00:11:11,604 --> 00:11:14,483
I'm doing research for that
article on plastic surgery.
175
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,953
I even have this computer
program that shows you
176
00:11:16,977 --> 00:11:20,089
how you can change your
appearance. You gotta see this.
177
00:11:20,113 --> 00:11:24,260
You can change your lips, your
butt, your thighs, your waist, anything.
178
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:26,896
Here, let me... Yeah, well...
179
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,687
OK, watch this.
180
00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:32,802
That's amazing.
181
00:11:32,826 --> 00:11:35,304
Now watch this. If you press B,
182
00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:38,963
your breasts just get
bigger and more torpedo-like.
183
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:43,379
Ew, isn't that gross?
184
00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:45,648
Wow! What?
185
00:11:45,672 --> 00:11:47,316
Wow!
186
00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:50,474
Are you saying you think
I'd look good like that?
187
00:11:55,882 --> 00:11:58,327
No. It was a general wow.
188
00:11:58,351 --> 00:12:00,096
General wow?
189
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:03,688
The famous Chinese
military guy - General Wow...
190
00:12:04,858 --> 00:12:07,303
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
191
00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:09,338
You saw that picture of me
192
00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:11,273
and said "Wow" with
your tongue hanging out.
193
00:12:11,297 --> 00:12:15,745
I did not. You can't say "Wow"
with your tongue hanging out...
194
00:12:15,769 --> 00:12:18,647
Wuhhhow.
195
00:12:18,671 --> 00:12:21,450
I guess this'd be a good time
for me to be going. Bye, Tim.
196
00:12:21,474 --> 00:12:23,886
Bye-bye. See you later.
197
00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:26,488
Thank you so much for
helping me with all the cupcakes.
198
00:12:26,512 --> 00:12:31,116
Yeah, I love cupcakes.
Big, ample cupcakes.
199
00:12:38,859 --> 00:12:40,870
Jill, you gotta see this.
200
00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:43,494
Now I know why they call it
"the boob tube." Look at this.
201
00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:47,710
Tim, what are you doing?
202
00:12:47,734 --> 00:12:50,113
I'm just playing
around with the thing.
203
00:12:50,137 --> 00:12:52,215
They look like hot-air balloons.
204
00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:54,217
You could travel around
the world with those.
205
00:12:54,241 --> 00:12:56,681
Look out, honey,
they're gonna blow!
206
00:12:58,211 --> 00:13:00,757
Could you be any more obnoxious?
207
00:13:00,781 --> 00:13:02,792
Is that a request? I'm
just playing with the thing.
208
00:13:02,816 --> 00:13:05,394
Tim, there are women
whose self-esteem is so low,
209
00:13:05,418 --> 00:13:08,064
they're actually doing
this to their bodies.
210
00:13:08,088 --> 00:13:10,767
That is horrible. Sorry.
211
00:13:10,791 --> 00:13:13,111
Now, how would I make
your butt a little smaller?
212
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,440
Maybe I'll just sleep
down here tonight.
213
00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:28,584
You're done with your research.
Why is the computer hooked up?
214
00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:31,720
Come over here. I want
you to see something.
215
00:13:31,744 --> 00:13:33,722
Hey, there's a good-looking guy.
216
00:13:33,746 --> 00:13:36,125
Here.
217
00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:42,832
Take this keyboard and show
me what you think is my ideal Tim.
218
00:13:42,856 --> 00:13:44,600
Sounds like fun.
What do I gotta do?
219
00:13:44,624 --> 00:13:47,036
You hit D for
delts, B for biceps,
220
00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:49,772
W for waist, P for pecs.
221
00:13:49,796 --> 00:13:52,230
Are you sure P is for pecs?
222
00:13:55,068 --> 00:13:57,168
Just press the P.
223
00:14:01,374 --> 00:14:05,288
There we go. "The Timinator."
224
00:14:05,312 --> 00:14:07,990
You are so far off.
225
00:14:08,014 --> 00:14:11,249
Let me show you my ideal Tim.
226
00:14:14,821 --> 00:14:16,299
That's it?
227
00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:18,334
Yeah.
228
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:22,338
Tim... it's you
that I find sexy.
229
00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:24,406
And whatever changes
that you go through,
230
00:14:24,430 --> 00:14:26,775
I'm gonna find those sexy, too.
231
00:14:26,799 --> 00:14:29,199
Even if you look like this.
232
00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:41,379
Yikes. Or this.
233
00:14:48,121 --> 00:14:52,790
OK, I've told you how I feel.
I wanna know how you feel.
234
00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:56,072
Do you want me
the way I look now,
235
00:14:56,096 --> 00:14:58,107
or would you like me
to get my tummy tucked,
236
00:14:58,131 --> 00:15:01,043
my face lifted and
breasts enlarged?
237
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:03,246
The way you are now.
238
00:15:03,270 --> 00:15:05,003
Thank you.
239
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:12,788
Hey.
240
00:15:12,812 --> 00:15:14,390
Just out of curiosity...
241
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:19,017
what would the other version cost
us, the whole package, out the door?
242
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,594
Maybe I should
just live down here.
243
00:15:36,303 --> 00:15:38,514
(sniffs) Something
burning out here, Wilson?
244
00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:40,682
No need to be alarmed, Tim.
245
00:15:40,706 --> 00:15:43,185
I'm just smoking a fish.
246
00:15:43,209 --> 00:15:45,788
Regular or menthol?
247
00:15:45,812 --> 00:15:49,325
No, no, Tim. I'm curing
an Alaskan salmon.
248
00:15:49,349 --> 00:15:51,827
My only concern is
what wine to have it with.
249
00:15:51,851 --> 00:15:55,264
Love to help you, but I
got a concern of my own.
250
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:59,268
It started with me turning Jill's
breasts into hot-air balloons
251
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:01,337
and getting kind
of excited about it.
252
00:16:01,361 --> 00:16:03,372
I think you've finally
found a problem
253
00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:05,174
that's out of my
realm of expertise.
254
00:16:05,198 --> 00:16:07,443
No, you don't understand.
255
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,445
She had this computer simulation
256
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:12,614
that showed some cosmetic
surgeon's alterations to her body.
257
00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:15,484
It reminded me of when she
was young, when I first met her.
258
00:16:15,508 --> 00:16:17,153
I kinda liked it.
259
00:16:17,177 --> 00:16:23,092
Then, like a bonehead, I asked what it
would cost to overhaul her whole body.
260
00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:26,329
Whoa, major faux pas.
261
00:16:26,353 --> 00:16:28,897
Major Faux Pas...
262
00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:32,790
Was he in the same
campaign as General Wow?
263
00:16:34,594 --> 00:16:37,106
Tim, I'm not familiar
with General Wow,
264
00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:39,675
but your situation reminds
me of The Naked Ape.
265
00:16:39,699 --> 00:16:42,611
(grunts)
266
00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:44,580
That is the one exactly, Tim.
267
00:16:44,604 --> 00:16:49,151
You see, The Naked Ape is a book
which theorizes that men, like apes,
268
00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:51,854
are instinctively drawn to
younger, more fertile women
269
00:16:51,878 --> 00:16:53,889
in order to propagate
the species.
270
00:16:53,913 --> 00:16:56,058
What's Mrs. Naked
Ape attracted to?
271
00:16:56,082 --> 00:16:58,260
Unlike the male of the species,
272
00:16:58,284 --> 00:17:01,930
she instinct is be attracted to
someone older and more experienced.
273
00:17:01,954 --> 00:17:04,800
Someone with more
wisdom, sensitivity.
274
00:17:04,824 --> 00:17:07,336
Wait a minute.
275
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:11,207
What you're saying is if I explain
to Jill it was my instincts talking,
276
00:17:11,231 --> 00:17:12,908
I'd be off the hook.
277
00:17:12,932 --> 00:17:15,411
No, no, no, no, Tim.
278
00:17:15,435 --> 00:17:18,280
What I'm trying to say is you have
to learn to understand your instincts,
279
00:17:18,304 --> 00:17:20,849
and then you won't be on
the hook in the first place.
280
00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:23,341
Oh, yeah, sure. That'd be good.
281
00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:27,223
Yesterday, we told you how
to take an old beat-up table
282
00:17:27,247 --> 00:17:29,258
and turn it into fine furniture.
283
00:17:29,282 --> 00:17:32,083
Unfortunately, Tim turned it
into less valuable sawdust.
284
00:17:33,853 --> 00:17:36,965
Luckily, Al was able
to buy us a new table.
285
00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:38,901
I did not buy this table.
286
00:17:38,925 --> 00:17:40,336
But don't be too surprised
287
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:43,439
if it shows up on
your credit-card bill.
288
00:17:43,463 --> 00:17:46,509
A lot of us have tables
like this around the house.
289
00:17:46,533 --> 00:17:49,045
A little beat-up,
scratches, stains all over it.
290
00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:51,980
That's right. So
what you wanna do
291
00:17:52,004 --> 00:17:54,816
is sand it down with
a normal-size sander.
292
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,886
Refinish it, you'll have
yourself a brand-new table.
293
00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:59,888
I can't do this to this table.
294
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:02,058
It's all right, Tim. I'll do it.
295
00:18:02,082 --> 00:18:04,848
No. I am surprised and
shocked that you're so superficial.
296
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,796
What? You're superficial!
297
00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:10,388
Maybe on the surface.
298
00:18:13,293 --> 00:18:15,471
Tool Time isn't just
about home improvement.
299
00:18:15,495 --> 00:18:18,507
It's also about
male improvement.
300
00:18:18,531 --> 00:18:21,177
You see, man, by nature,
301
00:18:21,201 --> 00:18:24,668
is just a naked ape,
chain-smoking salmon.
302
00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:29,618
Our instincts would be
to make this table new,
303
00:18:29,642 --> 00:18:32,654
make it look new with
plastic filler in all the nicks.
304
00:18:32,678 --> 00:18:37,059
What we should do is learn to appreciate
the natural beauty inherent in this wood,
305
00:18:37,083 --> 00:18:41,263
and over the years, it's become
nothing but deeper, richer and warmer.
306
00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:43,532
And more interesting.
307
00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:45,267
What are you saying, Tim?
308
00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:48,192
I'm saying this table
is perfect the way it is.
309
00:18:50,597 --> 00:18:53,498
So our project today is to
stand here and stare at this table.
310
00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:59,181
No. We could pour oil on it,
311
00:18:59,205 --> 00:19:02,685
rub it affectionately and
show the table how we love it.
312
00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:06,310
Rub with me, Al.
313
00:19:22,262 --> 00:19:24,039
I think I got him cornered.
314
00:19:24,063 --> 00:19:26,175
I think you're right.
315
00:19:26,199 --> 00:19:28,232
Kiss this game goodbye.
316
00:19:31,337 --> 00:19:32,848
Checkmate.
317
00:19:32,872 --> 00:19:34,138
Goodbye.
318
00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:39,888
The dustpan and
broom are in the closet,
319
00:19:39,912 --> 00:19:42,991
and you know where the attic is.
320
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:44,826
Aw, man!
321
00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:47,563
You guys keep losing to Mark, we'll
have this whole house cleaned up.
322
00:19:47,587 --> 00:19:49,231
Dad, do you wanna play chess?
323
00:19:49,255 --> 00:19:52,100
You do not wanna play
your old man in chess.
324
00:19:52,124 --> 00:19:53,235
Why not?
325
00:19:53,259 --> 00:19:56,872
Because I don't know
how to play chess.
326
00:19:56,896 --> 00:20:00,676
Never mind. I'll go and
play with my computer.
327
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:01,899
OK.
328
00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:07,015
Hi, Mom. Hi, sweetie.
329
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:09,017
Hi. Hi.
330
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:11,620
Did you watch Tool
Time today? No.
331
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:14,156
Too bad. We had a table
on that reminded me of you.
332
00:20:14,180 --> 00:20:17,693
Why, was it big,
flat, old and dented?
333
00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:19,861
Actually, it was quite lovely.
334
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:21,997
Its warmth and
color and character
335
00:20:22,021 --> 00:20:24,600
made it even more beautiful
than when it was new.
336
00:20:24,624 --> 00:20:26,602
Al wanted to refinish it,
337
00:20:26,626 --> 00:20:30,695
but I really liked that
table just the way it was.
338
00:20:36,703 --> 00:20:41,217
Oh, Tim... It's gorgeous.
339
00:20:41,241 --> 00:20:44,975
Just like you. It
expands in the middle.
340
00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:54,062
Not like you. It has extra
leaves, so if we have company...
341
00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:56,153
Thank you.
342
00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:00,369
You said you wanted
one for a long time.
343
00:21:00,393 --> 00:21:03,672
No, I don't mean just
thank you for the table.
344
00:21:03,696 --> 00:21:08,711
I mean, thank you for listening
and understanding what I was saying.
345
00:21:08,735 --> 00:21:11,714
I had one of the computer guys
at work help me with that program.
346
00:21:11,738 --> 00:21:15,105
Oh, no. Oh, come
on, come on. Sit down.
347
00:21:18,344 --> 00:21:21,979
Let's see if I
remember. This is us...
348
00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:29,665
That's us?
349
00:21:29,689 --> 00:21:32,668
That's us in 2446.
350
00:21:32,692 --> 00:21:34,536
So we're, what,
400-some years old?
351
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:36,872
450 years old.
352
00:21:36,896 --> 00:21:39,177
That's why we're not movin'.
353
00:21:41,668 --> 00:21:43,679
No matter how paunchy
or wrinkly we get,
354
00:21:43,703 --> 00:21:47,063
we're still gonna be
together and love each other.
355
00:21:48,874 --> 00:21:52,220
So I guess that just
proves that love is blind.
356
00:21:52,244 --> 00:21:53,555
And there's good news.
357
00:21:53,579 --> 00:21:56,447
Our 425-year-old kids
have finally left the house.
358
00:21:58,785 --> 00:22:01,530
So we can just sit
around naked all day.
359
00:22:01,554 --> 00:22:03,965
No, that is a pretty picture.
360
00:22:03,989 --> 00:22:07,191
Two wrinkled-up old prunes
just lying around together.
361
00:22:15,835 --> 00:22:17,768
Come on, make your move.
362
00:22:19,271 --> 00:22:20,738
I'm working on it.
363
00:22:26,713 --> 00:22:30,481
If chess is too hard for you,
you could go back to tick-tack-toe.
364
00:22:32,452 --> 00:22:34,730
I'm thinking.
365
00:22:34,754 --> 00:22:38,133
Dad, you've been
thinking for half an hour.
366
00:22:38,157 --> 00:22:40,677
That's a record for your father.
367
00:22:44,096 --> 00:22:46,063
Eat my dust.
368
00:22:50,436 --> 00:22:52,080
Checkmate.
369
00:22:52,104 --> 00:22:54,405
Dust my house.
370
00:23:03,850 --> 00:23:06,194
We'll show you the process
on these other two tables
371
00:23:06,218 --> 00:23:08,864
that we all bought for
$5 at a garage sale.
372
00:23:08,888 --> 00:23:11,448
Actually, I bought them, Tim.
You haven't re-bursed me yet.
373
00:23:18,931 --> 00:23:22,433
If chess is too hard for you, you
could go back to tick-back-toe.
373
00:23:23,305 --> 00:24:23,480
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