Hi, guys! Hey, Mom.
OK, clear off the refrigerator
for the "A" I got on my Psych test.
I thought you said grades didn't matter.
Yeah, I thought you said the important thing was learning.
I was wrong.
Now, both of you go up and study.
I want your grades as good as mine.
But you also said that in this family we shouldn't compete with each other.
I was wrong again.
Hi. Oh, hi, honey.
Notice anything different on the refrigerator?
Someone took down the coupon for a free lube job.
No! I got an "A" on my Psychology test.
You didn't throw away the coupon, did you?
Here is your stupid coupon.
Hey, Randy. Hey, Dad.
When is Michelle coming over? Any minute now.
I hope her dad gets here quick.
Old Bert's gonna help me put on the independent suspension on the hot rod.
Oh, well, that's good, because a dependent suspension can be so needy.
In my Psychology class that would've gotten a huge laugh.
And yet here in the kitchen - death.
Here.
So, you and Michelle have been seeing a lot of each other lately.
I guess.
I think she really likes you. What do you think?
I think I don't want to talk about this with my mother.
Oh, come on!
Sorry, Mom. I'm past the age where you give me a cookie and I spill my guts.
I loved those days. Hey, look, look, look.
I've got chocolate chocolate chip.
Give it up, Mom.
Well, at least I still have Mark.
Oh, hey, honey. You want a cookie?
Forget it. I'm not spilling my guts.
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You think your mom's weird? My mom was driving the car pool,
she started singing this weird song: "Do Wah Diddy."
Yeah. Must've been from when she was a teenager in the 30s.
That's nothing. Remember at the seventh grade dance
the chaperone who started doing the Funky Chicken
with the principal?
Oh, man! You got the Funky Chicken mom?
♪ There he goes just a-walking down the street
♪ Singing do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do
Your mom is weirder.
♪ Snapping his fingers and shuffling his feet
♪ Singing do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do
Hey, Mom. ♪ He looked good
Mom! What?
We're gonna head on over to the mall.
You want a ride?
No, thanks. We can "do wah diddy" without one.
So, did you decide on an engine yet?
Are you gonna go with a big block? No. I decided on a flat head.
Flat head? Taylor, you are an animal.
Just as I have you pegged as a big-block guy,
you surprise me with a flat head.
Well, I like to keep you on your toes, Bert.
Usually you're dropping things on 'em.
Don't quit your day job, OK?
Let's do the rack and pinion, then try to get to the brakes if you can.
OK. I'm really glad we're doing this today.
You like hanging with the "Tool Man," huh?
Yeah, especially when my in-laws are visiting. Been there.
Dana, she really gets crazy when her parents are around.
Not as crazy as my wife, boy!
When her parents come to visit, she's a psycho.
They're not running on all cylinders.
They're, like, a couple pistons shy of a V-8, if you know what I mean.
What do you mean, Tim?
Huh? Honey, I'm... Bert was telling me about how crazy his wife was,
and I wanted to make him feel a little better.
So I made up stories about your wonderful, understanding, lovely parents.
I'm sure Bert didn't say his wife was crazy.
Yes, I did.
Dana, she's a total nut case when her parents are around.
She spends the whole time trying to make her daddy happy.
Whoa! Do I sense a little hostility there?
Well, she lets him run her entire life.
He's a vet. So she became a vet.
Yeah? What branch? Army, Navy, what?
Animal.
You know, Bert, I was just reading something about this.
Maybe your wife hasn't individuated from her father.
Individuated?
No, no, no, no, no! Time out.
Honey, I've told you a million times, psychology has no place in the garage,
just like a car does not belong on a shrink's couch. OK?
Unless the car is in denial
and has a big block to work through.
That would've killed in Psychology class.
And yet here in the garage - death.
Can we get back to this individuated thing? What is that?
It's a two-hour discussion that'll suck the life out of ya.
It's an over-attachment to one's parents
that continues through adulthood.
Here we go.
Was your wife an only child, by any chance?
Yeah. As a matter of fact, she is.
Well, then, could be a classic case.
Really? Yeah.
You know, if this is a problem in your relationship,
you really should talk with your wife about it.
I don't know. I've brought it up before,
and every time it ends up in a big fight.
Maybe I should just leave well enough alone.
That's good advice for anyone, Jill.
Avoidance is never a good idea.
Really?
Maybe we should talk more about this.
Sure. You want a cookie?
Is something wrong? Yeah.
You know how I used to be so cool in junior high?
No.
Well, I was.
But now that I'm in high school, I'm nobody.
Well, here comes Mom.
Why don't you grab a cookie and talk to her about it?
I'd rather talk to the cookie.
(doorbell)
Hi. I'm Dana, Bert's wife. I'm just here to pick him up.
Oh, come on in. It's so nice to meet you.
Bert was just talking about you.
Nothing bad, I hope.
Oh, no. Good, good, good, good.
All right. Let's pull down that sway bar.
Now, we would've been at this job an hour and a half ago
had you not spent most of the time in the kitchen with Mrs. Freud.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dana, this is my husband, Tim. Tim, this is Dana, Bert's wife.
Hi. Hi. Nice to meet you.
Good to meet you. You ready to go, hon?
We're just getting started on this front stabilizer bar.
I'm sorry. But we gotta pick up Michelle at the mall and meet Mom and Dad.
You know, they really want to make the early-bird dinner.
Great. Another night of your dad telling that stupid joke.
"Hey, Bert. How about an early-Bert dinner?"
Oh, boy! That's not very funny, is it?
It'd be a lot less funny if your name were Bob.
Well, we'll finish up later.
I'm so sorry that having dinner with my father is such torture for you.
Well, it is.
And it's all because you haven't individuated from your father.
Oh, boy!
What?
Jill, she explained the whole thing to me.
How your over-attachment to your father is poisoning our marriage.
You know, I think that Tim was wrong about that "early-Bert" joke.
Yeah, it'd be just as funny with Bob.
"What about an early-Bob dinner?"
Funny, funny stuff. "Bob dinner."
How could you talk about our private life with a stranger?
For your information, Dana,
Jill happens to be a highly-respected psychologist.
Well, uh, technically, I'm not a psychologist.
Well, technically, what are you?
Technically...
the word that you would best use to describe me would be...
a psychology student.
(both) A student?
But a very promising, highly-respected student.
I thought you were a teacher!
You criticized me based on something a student said?
I didn't know she was a student!
And your problems must be pretty obvious
if a stupid student can recognize them!
Well, for the record, I should tell you
I just got an "A" on my last test.
Now, I'm guessing, honey, that this psychology test -
the "A" was based on some sort of curve?
I don't think what I did was so terrible.
I was just trying to get Bert to open up the lines of communication.
Which is exactly why I've told you over and over again communication's a bad thing.
It can lead to nothing but disaster.
This is not a disaster. Oh, really?
Then why did Bert and Dana run out of here yelling at one another?
They were just expressing some strong feelings.
I'm sure they're gonna calm down, they'll have a nice, rational discussion.
And their relationship will be healthier for it.
Hey, Randy. How was the mall?
Wild. When Michelle's parents came to pick her up, they had a huge fight.
Was it a healthy, rational sort of thing?
No. It was more of a screaming,
"I can't believe I married you," sort of thing.
Right there in the mall? Oh, yeah. Right in the food court.
The falafel guy had to restrain Michelle's mom.
Oh, my God! What have I done? I've ruined two lives.
Let me think about this.
I would guess that in a Psychology class
your advice would have been huge. And yet...
here in the garage with real people - death.
Advance! Advance! Thrust! Parry!
Hey, Wilson.
Well, en garde, Taylorette.
I didn't know you fenced. Oh, Judith loves the sport.
I find that a little sword play puts her in the mood
to "parry and thrust."
So, I guess you and Judith are still a hot item.
Oh, yes, indeed. I find the embers are still glowing.
You know, I've taken quite a fancy to your former Psychology professor.
Oh, that is so good.
I mean, I'm glad that I helped nurture one relationship,
because last night in the garage, I destroyed another one.
Oh, not Tim and Bert, I hope.
Oh, no, no. That relationship still has a new-car smell.
No. This is the relationship between Bert and his wife.
I really need some advice. Well, rattle my saber, good neighbor.
OK. I was...
Oh, Judith! Hi. Hello, Jill.
I am so glad you're here. I need to talk to you.
I thought you wanted to talk to me? Oh, that's OK, Wilson.
Oh. Well, fine. I'll just go over here
and thrust and parry by my lonesome.
So, Judith, last night I talked to a friend of Tim's.
And in five minutes, I may have ended a 20-year marriage.
What on Earth did you say?
I just made the obvious assessment that his wife
was in denial about her ability to individuate from her father.
And you came up with this diagnosis after meeting her for only five minutes?
Actually, at that point, I had never met her.
Jill, one of the first rules of psychology is:
First you meet, then you treat.
I know. I know. I was just overzealous.
But what do I do now?
Well, I'm reminded of a fifth-century Indian book,
the Panchatantra, which says,
"The first mark of intelligence is not to start things."
So I shouldn't do anything? But the Panchatantra goes on to say,
"The second mark of intelligence is to pursue to the end
what you have started."
Well, actually, Judith, I was just about to finish that quote.
So I should go and apologize to them?
I'm sorry. I thought you'd finished.
I was merely pausing for the effect.
The effect was it seemed like you'd finished, dear.
Well, I hadn't, dear.
You know, when couples bicker
the way that you're doing right now,
sometimes I find that it's useful...
for me to just say bye-bye!
Al, where have you been? We're supposed to do a show here.
I'm sorry I'm late. It's just I've been turtle-sitting.
Turtle-sitting? Yes. Mother's turtle, Scooter.
Hi, Scooter. Looks just like her.
Except with a little softer skin.
She's not feeling well. She didn't eat her lettuce last night for dinner.
Well, maybe she had a salad for lunch.
No. I think she's depressed
because she's separated from Mother.
She should talk to Jill.
Probably hasn't been individuated.
Is she an only turtle?
I'm serious, Tim.
Al, we're doing Tool Time, not Turtle Time, OK?
Here we go, guys. Stand by. All right. Where's your trowel?
It's in the truck. Well, get it!
Put Scooter someplace where she can see me during the show.
OK. I'll get her her own monitor.
Standby in five...
four... three... two...
Welcome to a special live Tool Time with your hosts,
Tim Taylor and Al Borland.
Thank you, Heidi. And welcome to Tool Time.
Today, Al and I are at our project house.
And we're gonna show you how to lay a brick walkway.
Now, the first thing you want to do is pick out your brick pattern.
So you just go to your bridal registry at your local brickyard.
Today we're going with the classic basket weave.
All right, for this section we've already laid a concrete slab
using Binford's quick-dry cement.
This will be a perfect foundation for our brick pavers.
That's right. Gary, if you want to come in here.
This is gonna dry very fast. So you want to quickly use your trowel to smooth it out.
While Al does that, I'll compact and level the next section
using Binford's 6100 Power Compactor.
(grunts)
Normally, you wouldn't use a power compactor on a job this small,
but Tim's not normal.
Don't talk to me about normal, turtle nanny.
Tim! Look out! What?
Tim! Behind you! Tim! Ow!
Scooter!
What's the matter with you?
What's the matter with me?
You cover Scooter in cement,
and then you nearly kill us speeding over here.
Sorry I had such a heavy foot.
I should never have let you drive.
Scooter is now shell-shocked.
Dana, when I said your father was obnoxious and overbearing,
I meant it in a nice way. Not in the office, Bert.
Hey, Bert, what are you doing here?
Hey, Tim. It's Dana's office.
Your GTO is out front. I saw it. Looking great.
Thanks. I just got it detailed. I got this great...
Excuse me! Can we cut the chitchat?
I have a turtle in crisis!
What happened to your turtle? Oh, he got with some real bad reptiles.
They put him in a cement overcoat. We're investigating right now.
I think she'll be fine. Let's put her in the back and soak her.
I want Scooter to have the best of everything!
You know, your finest lettuce, her own television...
She likes to watch the Ninja Turtles.
Tim, what are you doing here? What are you doing here?
Well, I came to talk to Dana. Oh, no.
Nice foot.
Is this where you come when the emergency room is filled up?
That's not a bad idea.
Dana!
Oh, Dana. I really need to talk to you.
I'm sorry. I'm a little busy right now.
I am sorry. I feel so terrible about what happened.
I gave Bert advice that was unsolicited and unqualified.
Not to mention uninteresting.
I should never have gotten involved.
I am not going to say another word.
I promise. Good!
After I say this teensy-weensy, one more little thing.
Oh, boy!
I think I'm gonna individuate myself away from this conversation.
I'll go see how that little turtle's doing.
Scooter! Scooter...
Look, um... before you do anything rash,
I hope that you'll consider talking to somebody first.
Not me! I mean, you know, somebody who actually has her degree.
Well, I think we've gone just about as far as we can go with a student.
Look, if you want to talk to somebody,
and only if you really both want to,
I know a woman who is sensitive and incredibly qualified.
It might not be a bad idea. What do you think, Dana?
I suppose we could give her a call.
She's great. You'll love her.
In fact, she was my teacher.
I think we'll find our own person.
Hey, Randy. Hey, Dad. Where's Mom?
She'll be back in a minute. She's just got some stuff to do.
What's she doing? Breaking up another marriage?
You found out she was the cause of the problem between Bert and Dana?
Oh, yeah. It's all over school. "Don't go to Randy Taylor's house.
His mom will split up your parents."
Well, they're not getting split up. Your mom went and apologized.
And it looks like they're gonna try to work things out.
Well, that's great. But I still don't get it.
Why is Mom starting fights in other people's families?
My guess is that starting fights here
has just become too easy for her.
Why does she always have to open her big mouth?
Hey, hey, hey! You don't talk about your mom like that!
You know why she opens her big mouth?
She likes to solve problems, you know.
She's not the type of person that will sit on the sidelines.
How do we get her to be one of those people?
Never gonna happen. And besides, you know,
helping other people solve their problems is not a bad thing.
You know, the best way to get people to work out their difficulties
is to talk about them.
Hi. Hi.
I need to talk. Oh, no. No.
You just said talking's a good thing. He did?
I meant about cars. That sort of thing. Sports. Anything like that, you know.
You know what my problem is? No. But I bet we're gonna talk about it.
I am the kind of person who is so eager to fix things
that I don't take my time, and then they just blow up in my face.
You married the right guy.
This whole thing with Bert and Dana's got me doubting
what kind of a therapist I'm gonna be.
Well, if you keep giving advice like you gave them,
you'd better adopt some kind of a refund policy.
Now, come on. Seriously.
Do you guys think that I'm the kind of person
to go into psychology?
As a patient or a doctor?
Well, there's my answer. Come on.
I'm kidding around. Don't be so hard on yourself.
You're gonna make a great therapist.
Thanks, I guess.
I really don't want to talk about it. Uh-uh-uh.
You don't want any unresolved issues. You gotta talk about it.
I'll get the cookies. I'll get some milk.
I'll get the cookies. You get the milk.
Today's Tool Time is a rousing salute
to semi-gloss and gloss latex.
But first, on a personal note, I would like to thank our Tool Time audience
for their generous outpouring of concern
for Scooter the Turtle.
We were both overwhelmed by the amount of cards and flowers that you all sent.
Unfortunately, because of Scooter's sugar allergies,
he was not allowed to eat the chocolate that you sent.
Bet that didn't stop you and your mom from scarfing all that stuff down.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a warm welcome back
for Scooter - the fully recovered turtle!
Scooter! Scooter!
Ah!
I wonder if little Scooter remembers me. Do you remember...
(crunch) Ow! Ow!
Obviously, he does remember you.
Ow! Ow! Scooter, release.
Oh!
You know...
What is your name?
Bert! "Early-Bert dinner."
I started to say "Mark". OK. Bert. As in Ernie.
You know, lately, Judith, it seems like you're always interrupting me.
No, I don't! Well, do, do, do, do.
You did just then.
Are we still on? (director) Yeah.
Was it a technical problem?
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