1
00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:04,514
If you're like me and you
have a problem with space,
2
00:00:04,538 --> 00:00:06,516
well, you can't do better than
3
00:00:06,540 --> 00:00:08,919
the Binford 6100
telescopic ladder.
4
00:00:08,943 --> 00:00:12,823
If you're like Al, you'll need more
than a ladder to solve your problems.
5
00:00:12,847 --> 00:00:14,958
The beauty of this
ladder is that, closed,
6
00:00:14,982 --> 00:00:16,960
it's only 2 1/2 feet tall.
7
00:00:16,984 --> 00:00:20,329
With a simple tug, it
expands to 12 1/2 feet.
8
00:00:20,353 --> 00:00:24,056
You just pull... Oh, this is
jammed or something, Al.
9
00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:31,341
I'll just climb up there
10
00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:33,343
and show ya how sturdy this is.
11
00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:36,380
The Binford telescopic
ladder, just as supportive -
12
00:00:36,404 --> 00:00:38,849
Tim, you might wanna watch
the, uh... Could I finish, Al?
13
00:00:38,873 --> 00:00:42,574
I just want ya to be
careful so you don't - Aah!
14
00:00:49,816 --> 00:00:53,730
The Binford 6100
telescopic ladder.
15
00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:57,567
Perfectly safe for those of you who take
the time to read the safety instructions.
16
00:00:57,591 --> 00:01:00,170
(end of segment music plays)
17
00:01:00,194 --> 00:01:02,293
(applause and cheering)
18
00:01:06,333 --> 00:01:10,347
All right. Now is the
time we go to our mailbag.
19
00:01:10,371 --> 00:01:13,016
That's right. Viewers write in
their questions, and I answer them.
20
00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:16,319
And I give the
correct information.
21
00:01:16,343 --> 00:01:19,289
You're just a superhighway
of information, Al.
22
00:01:19,313 --> 00:01:21,390
If you wanna contact
Al via the computer,
23
00:01:21,414 --> 00:01:23,860
he's on e-mail in
the Flannel Net.
24
00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:27,018
Heidi, my mailbag, please.
25
00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:30,767
Here you are, Tim.
26
00:01:30,791 --> 00:01:33,737
Thank you.
27
00:01:33,761 --> 00:01:35,972
"Dear Tim and Al,
28
00:01:35,996 --> 00:01:39,675
"my wife says I spend too much
money at the hardware store.
29
00:01:39,699 --> 00:01:43,413
"What percentage of our
budget should I spend on tools?
30
00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:45,749
Signed, Confused in Lansing."
31
00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:49,252
Take your entire budget, subtract
your house payment, if there is one,
32
00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:52,255
utilities, phone,
add up that total,
33
00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:55,024
and forget about it and
buy whatever you want, huh?
34
00:01:55,048 --> 00:01:56,793
Ha-ha-ha.
35
00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:59,362
Remembering to
leave a little aside
36
00:01:59,386 --> 00:02:01,398
for your future divorce lawyer.
37
00:02:01,422 --> 00:02:05,501
Whoa, this letter's from
Western Michigan University.
38
00:02:05,525 --> 00:02:08,071
That's where my wife
and I went to college.
39
00:02:08,095 --> 00:02:11,641
They must've seen our show,
and they want their diploma back.
40
00:02:11,665 --> 00:02:13,631
(both snicker)
41
00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:18,582
Couldn't be further from
the truth. Listen to this.
42
00:02:18,606 --> 00:02:21,484
"Dear Tim, in recognition
for the fine work you do,
43
00:02:21,508 --> 00:02:25,889
we would like to bestow
upon you an honorary Ph.D."
44
00:02:25,913 --> 00:02:28,391
Arr-arr-arr.
45
00:02:28,415 --> 00:02:29,781
Arr-arr-arr.
46
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:34,464
Oh, now wait a second.
47
00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:36,699
Your alma mater wants
to give you a doctorate?
48
00:02:36,723 --> 00:02:39,669
That's right. Yeah.
49
00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:43,173
From now on, you'll be
standing next to a doctor.
50
00:02:43,197 --> 00:02:45,964
Which would make you my nurse.
51
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:53,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
52
00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:42,765
Oh, no.
53
00:03:42,789 --> 00:03:45,701
Mom's giving away
our toys to charity again.
54
00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:49,439
I hate when she does that.
55
00:03:49,463 --> 00:03:52,408
We told her to keep the
toys and give you away,
56
00:03:52,432 --> 00:03:56,146
but no charity would take ya.
57
00:03:56,170 --> 00:03:59,148
When are you gonna grow up
and stop playing with stupid toys?
58
00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:01,718
Hey, not all of
this stuff is mine.
59
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:04,054
I believe this is your
whoopee cushion.
60
00:04:04,078 --> 00:04:06,789
Hey, not the Gas Master.
61
00:04:06,813 --> 00:04:09,825
This is a family heirloom.
62
00:04:09,849 --> 00:04:12,128
Taylor men have been sliding
it under unsuspecting butts
63
00:04:12,152 --> 00:04:15,164
for generations.
64
00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:19,123
Wait. Mom cannot
give away my dart gun.
65
00:04:24,365 --> 00:04:28,711
Glad I talked Mom out
of buying you a BB gun.
66
00:04:28,735 --> 00:04:31,147
What's the box? What's going on?
67
00:04:31,171 --> 00:04:33,983
Mom's giving away
our toys to charity again.
68
00:04:34,007 --> 00:04:37,320
She can't give away our toys.
69
00:04:37,344 --> 00:04:39,723
Especially not my
spring-loaded eyeballs.
70
00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:41,480
I love these things.
71
00:04:43,217 --> 00:04:45,996
Guys, you won't believe
what happened today.
72
00:04:46,020 --> 00:04:49,788
I got a Ph.D. from Western
Michigan University.
73
00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:55,593
You?
74
00:04:57,531 --> 00:05:01,165
You sure it's not a Ph.D-minus?
75
00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:08,785
No, wise guy. It's an honorary Ph.D.
from the engineering department.
76
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:11,043
Whoa-oa-oa.
77
00:05:12,613 --> 00:05:15,458
You got a degree when
you didn't even earn it?
78
00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:18,694
Can I get that type of
deal for high school?
79
00:05:18,718 --> 00:05:22,120
I hope so. It's your
only shot at graduating.
80
00:05:38,806 --> 00:05:43,153
This is why we're
getting rid of those toys.
81
00:05:43,177 --> 00:05:46,156
So how was your day? Horrible.
82
00:05:46,180 --> 00:05:48,958
My behavioral psych professor
has assigned yet another paper.
83
00:05:48,982 --> 00:05:50,960
I haven't finished
the first one.
84
00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:54,297
Plus, I have to get through
these books by this weekend.
85
00:05:54,321 --> 00:05:55,799
What did you do today?
86
00:05:55,823 --> 00:05:58,134
Got a Ph.D.
87
00:05:58,158 --> 00:05:59,657
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
88
00:06:03,163 --> 00:06:04,974
Very funny.
89
00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:06,408
Funny, huh?
90
00:06:06,432 --> 00:06:09,267
Check out the letter
from Western Michigan.
91
00:06:14,441 --> 00:06:17,887
You barely graduated, and they're
giving you an honorary degree?
92
00:06:17,911 --> 00:06:21,012
Makes me wonder why I
worked so hard for the first one.
93
00:06:22,916 --> 00:06:24,894
You didn't work at all.
94
00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:26,930
You partied the whole time.
95
00:06:26,954 --> 00:06:29,921
And the celebration continues.
96
00:06:32,425 --> 00:06:35,426
(pounding)
97
00:06:40,099 --> 00:06:42,512
Tim, I'm trying to study here.
98
00:06:42,536 --> 00:06:46,171
I understand. You're working hard
to get your advanced degree, too.
99
00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:53,556
What are you doing?
100
00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:56,947
I'm hanging up that letter
that says I'm gonna get a Ph.D.
101
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:03,266
You framed the letter?
102
00:07:03,290 --> 00:07:06,558
Yeah. I framed the
envelope it came in, too.
103
00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:10,128
(phone rings)
104
00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:14,577
Hello.
105
00:07:14,601 --> 00:07:17,201
Yes, this is Dr. Taylor.
106
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:23,319
Harry, real funny.
Ha-ha-ha. Yeah.
107
00:07:23,343 --> 00:07:27,090
He's calling me Tim
"The School Man" Taylor.
108
00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:29,526
Harry is droll.
109
00:07:29,550 --> 00:07:32,562
Huh? What? She
called you a troll.
110
00:07:32,586 --> 00:07:35,832
All right, I'll stop by
the hardware store.
111
00:07:35,856 --> 00:07:38,935
Thanks. Bye. That was
nice of him to call, wasn't it?
112
00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:41,670
Yeah, it's really
sweet. I've got to study.
113
00:07:41,694 --> 00:07:43,672
All right, no more
interruptions.
114
00:07:43,696 --> 00:07:46,664
(doorbell rings)
115
00:07:49,235 --> 00:07:51,795
I have a delivery
for a Dr. Taylor.
116
00:07:54,107 --> 00:07:58,922
Hey, Doc, how do I get rid
of this big wart on my hand?
117
00:07:58,946 --> 00:08:02,180
Ball-peen hammer,
chisel. It'll pop right off.
118
00:08:03,851 --> 00:08:05,650
Thanks, Doc.
119
00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:13,236
Jill, you didn't
have to do this.
120
00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:15,872
I didn't. Gosh, somebody
really went overboard.
121
00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:17,874
Who would send such
a huge arrangement?
122
00:08:17,898 --> 00:08:19,430
Your mom and dad.
123
00:08:21,601 --> 00:08:23,379
What?
124
00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:25,047
They said, "Dear son..."
125
00:08:25,071 --> 00:08:27,683
They called me "son" instead
of "Hey, you." I like that.
126
00:08:27,707 --> 00:08:30,386
"Saw the show. It's great
to have Ph.D. in the family.
127
00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:32,388
We're very proud of you.
Love, Lillian and the Colonel."
128
00:08:32,412 --> 00:08:34,657
I can't believe they did this.
129
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:37,226
I can't believe it, either.
130
00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:39,261
They barely acknowledge
me going back to school.
131
00:08:39,285 --> 00:08:41,263
Now they're sending you flowers?
132
00:08:41,287 --> 00:08:44,167
Come on, Jill. They're
proud of my accomplishments.
133
00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:46,803
Accomplishments?
134
00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:48,905
Well, yeah.
135
00:08:48,929 --> 00:08:53,810
I teach people
from all walks of life
136
00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:55,878
the complexities of tool usage
137
00:08:55,902 --> 00:08:58,503
in an ever-changing world.
138
00:09:00,507 --> 00:09:03,185
I believe I've actually
bridged the gap
139
00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:07,323
between the world of
hardware and academia.
140
00:09:07,347 --> 00:09:11,182
Now you just need to bridge the
gap between fantasy and reality.
141
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:18,567
Hey, Wilson.
142
00:09:18,591 --> 00:09:22,505
Well, hi-ho, fairest
of the Taylors.
143
00:09:22,529 --> 00:09:24,541
Jill, what time do you have?
144
00:09:24,565 --> 00:09:26,676
Uh, 8:33.
145
00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:28,677
Uh-uh-uh-uh.
146
00:09:28,701 --> 00:09:31,614
My new sundial seems
to be running a bit slow.
147
00:09:31,638 --> 00:09:36,319
Maybe you should
noodle with your gnomon.
148
00:09:36,343 --> 00:09:39,556
I beg your pardon.
149
00:09:39,580 --> 00:09:43,226
The gnomon - it's that crossbar
there. It should be pointing north.
150
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:46,162
Oh, ho-ho, well,
thank you, Jill.
151
00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:49,566
It's such a pleasure having a
knowledgeable neighborette.
152
00:09:49,590 --> 00:09:51,601
Huh! I may be knowledgeable,
153
00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:53,670
but Tim's the one
getting the Ph.D.
154
00:09:53,694 --> 00:09:57,039
(chuckles)
155
00:09:57,063 --> 00:10:00,498
Knowledgeable and
funny, funny, funny.
156
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:05,214
I'm not kiddin'. Didn't
Tim tell you? No.
157
00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:08,016
Western Michigan is giving Tim
158
00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:11,120
an honorary doctorate.
159
00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:12,377
Tim?
160
00:10:14,314 --> 00:10:17,693
Yeah. Here I am killing myself
to get an advanced degree.
161
00:10:17,717 --> 00:10:20,763
They just hand him one. I'm
trying not to be - I just can't -
162
00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:22,665
Well, well, well,
well, Jill, Jill, Jill.
163
00:10:22,689 --> 00:10:25,634
I've never been a proponent
of symbolic gestures,
164
00:10:25,658 --> 00:10:29,405
but Tim is your husband,
he is my neighbor.
165
00:10:29,429 --> 00:10:31,541
We should be happy.
166
00:10:31,565 --> 00:10:34,410
(sighs) You're right.
167
00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:36,868
A Ph.D.?
168
00:10:38,839 --> 00:10:40,016
Tim?
169
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:45,822
Aw, Jill, Jill, Jill, Jill...
170
00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:48,324
Do you realize how
many hours I had to study
171
00:10:48,348 --> 00:10:51,694
to get my doctorate in forgotten
languages and extinct cultures?
172
00:10:51,718 --> 00:10:53,662
Oh, my, my, my.
173
00:10:53,686 --> 00:10:55,664
Sitting in that library,
174
00:10:55,688 --> 00:10:57,666
reading that
insufferable microfilm
175
00:10:57,690 --> 00:11:00,069
till I thought I would
practically go blind?
176
00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:02,105
Not to mention that
to support myself,
177
00:11:02,129 --> 00:11:06,609
I had to volunteer as a subject
for lab experiments. Oh, oh.
178
00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:10,513
And the thing that really irritates
me about this whole thing -
179
00:11:10,537 --> 00:11:12,670
Jill, Jill, talk me
down, talk me down.
180
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:20,122
I came out here so
you'd talk me down.
181
00:11:20,146 --> 00:11:22,158
Oh, I'm sorry,
Jill. I lost control.
182
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:24,393
I know. It's OK, it's OK.
183
00:11:24,417 --> 00:11:27,997
What can I say here that might put
this into perspective for both of us?
184
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:31,200
Oh, yes. The late senator
Dwight Morrow said
185
00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:34,836
there are people who do things
and people who take the credit,
186
00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:36,838
and the trick is to
be in the first group.
187
00:11:36,862 --> 00:11:39,976
There's a lot less competition.
188
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,512
I see what you're sayin'. Does
that make you feel any better?
189
00:11:42,536 --> 00:11:45,281
Not at all. Me, neither.
190
00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:48,250
On the other hand, it
is a great honor for Tim,
191
00:11:48,274 --> 00:11:50,552
and I guess we have to put
our negative feelings aside
192
00:11:50,576 --> 00:11:53,089
and just find a way
to cheer him on.
193
00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:56,025
Well, I know. He should
be allowed to enjoy this.
194
00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:58,027
I should be more supportive.
195
00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,796
Mm-hmm. And if the
university is giving him a Ph.D.,
196
00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:03,332
they must feel he
is a worthy recipient.
197
00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:06,524
(thumping)
198
00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:22,207
Obviously they know
something we don't.
199
00:12:27,981 --> 00:12:30,359
Does everybody
know what time it is?
200
00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:32,161
(all) Tool Time.
201
00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:34,230
That's right. Binford
Tools is proud to present
202
00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:35,598
the star of our show -
203
00:12:35,622 --> 00:12:39,123
Dr. Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor."
204
00:12:44,497 --> 00:12:46,808
Thank you, and
welcome to Tool Time.
205
00:12:46,832 --> 00:12:49,945
I am Dr. Tim "The
Tool Man" Taylor,"
206
00:12:49,969 --> 00:12:54,550
and you all know my assistant
- Al "Ma Mater" Borland.
207
00:12:54,574 --> 00:12:58,320
Yesterday, we talked about
getting insects out of your house.
208
00:12:58,344 --> 00:13:00,322
And if that didn't bug ya,
209
00:13:00,346 --> 00:13:02,691
today we're gonna talk
about rodent removal.
210
00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:06,195
We're gonna meet the man
who has a job no one else wants.
211
00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:09,020
Actually, Tim, I have that job.
212
00:13:12,692 --> 00:13:15,805
Let's do a warm Tool Time welcome
to the man who calls himself...
213
00:13:15,829 --> 00:13:17,807
(like Arnold Schwarzenegger)
The Verminator.
214
00:13:17,831 --> 00:13:20,632
Duke Miller, come on out.
215
00:13:26,606 --> 00:13:30,052
Congratulations on your Ph.D.
Thank you very much, Duke.
216
00:13:30,076 --> 00:13:33,556
I myself attended a state-certified
rodent extermination school.
217
00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:37,593
Yeah? Where'd you go, Ratcliffe?
218
00:13:37,617 --> 00:13:41,185
No, but we did
play them in football.
219
00:13:44,558 --> 00:13:48,671
So, anyway, what got you
interested in extermination?
220
00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:52,363
Well, Al, I've always
loved animals.
221
00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:56,778
Why don't you show the studio
audience and everybody at home
222
00:13:56,802 --> 00:13:59,415
some of the tools of
the trade? Sure thing.
223
00:13:59,439 --> 00:14:02,985
Now, displayed here on the wall
we have your basic glue boards.
224
00:14:03,009 --> 00:14:05,087
Use these at home.
They're very effective.
225
00:14:05,111 --> 00:14:08,524
Mm-hmm. Now, these look to
me to be some type of a snap trap.
226
00:14:08,548 --> 00:14:11,493
That's right. They
come in a variety of sizes
227
00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:15,853
and accommodate both
domestic and imported cheeses.
228
00:14:18,057 --> 00:14:21,270
Next, we have a more
sophisticated kind of trap.
229
00:14:21,294 --> 00:14:23,472
I see that. Vic, if you
wanna come in here.
230
00:14:23,496 --> 00:14:26,008
Looks like a
double-hinged door there,
231
00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:29,645
a large eating area,
and little glass skylights.
232
00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:31,847
Ha-ha-ha.
233
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:34,606
Mice have a better
pad than you do, Al.
234
00:14:36,643 --> 00:14:38,621
Now, these are
actually humane traps.
235
00:14:38,645 --> 00:14:41,757
The mouse doesn't get
killed. You can make him a pet.
236
00:14:41,781 --> 00:14:47,263
So the mouse goes in
the little door here - Aah.
237
00:14:47,287 --> 00:14:48,619
Aah!
238
00:14:55,662 --> 00:14:57,828
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
239
00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:04,647
This is it. Sangren Hall.
240
00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:06,949
Seems like it was yesterday I was
shooting spit wads into the ceiling.
241
00:15:06,973 --> 00:15:09,284
Now I'm getting a Ph.D.
242
00:15:09,308 --> 00:15:11,954
And we are so pleased
for you, aren't we, boys?
243
00:15:11,978 --> 00:15:14,418
(all, unenthused) Pleased, yeah.
244
00:15:15,014 --> 00:15:17,659
Honey, isn't this where you
and I took sociology together?
245
00:15:17,683 --> 00:15:19,661
Yeah. I got my
first "A" in that class.
246
00:15:19,685 --> 00:15:21,986
Dad, what'd you
get? A lot of sleep.
247
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:26,402
Dad, are all these people
getting fake degrees?
248
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:29,038
No. Most of these people
had to work years to get 'em.
249
00:15:29,062 --> 00:15:30,427
Chumps. Ha-ha.
250
00:15:31,798 --> 00:15:34,476
Dad, where's the bathroom?
251
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:37,680
I believe it's still down
that hallway back there.
252
00:15:37,704 --> 00:15:39,715
When you get in there,
253
00:15:39,739 --> 00:15:42,651
see if your mom is still
mentioned in stall four.
254
00:15:42,675 --> 00:15:45,220
Hey, does everybody
know what time it is?
255
00:15:45,244 --> 00:15:47,189
Ph.D. time.
256
00:15:47,213 --> 00:15:49,659
Ha-ha, it's great to
see you again, Tim.
257
00:15:49,683 --> 00:15:52,128
And you would be?
258
00:15:52,152 --> 00:15:54,830
Your old philosophy
teacher - Professor Garver.
259
00:15:54,854 --> 00:15:56,499
Ah, yes, philosophy.
260
00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:59,935
"I think, therefore
I am." Descartes.
261
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,904
Pretty good for a guy
who was never in class.
262
00:16:01,928 --> 00:16:05,363
I thought I was there,
therefore I probably was.
263
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:12,348
I passed you,
therefore you're lucky.
264
00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:13,582
Ha-ha-ha.
265
00:16:13,606 --> 00:16:15,151
Prof, this is my wife Jill.
266
00:16:15,175 --> 00:16:16,919
How do you do?
It's nice to meet you.
267
00:16:16,943 --> 00:16:18,921
You must be very
thrilled for Tim.
268
00:16:18,945 --> 00:16:22,024
Oh, thrilled doesn't begin
to describe how I feel.
269
00:16:22,048 --> 00:16:25,460
Ecstatic beyond belief.
Really, really proud.
270
00:16:25,484 --> 00:16:27,429
We all are. Excuse me.
271
00:16:27,453 --> 00:16:30,432
Proud, proud, proud.
272
00:16:30,456 --> 00:16:32,434
Going a little overboard
with this, aren't ya?
273
00:16:32,458 --> 00:16:34,436
I'm sorry. I'm trying
to be supportive.
274
00:16:34,460 --> 00:16:36,806
I know this is honorary,
but it means a lot to me.
275
00:16:36,830 --> 00:16:39,641
Hi, Tim. Barbara Besson.
276
00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:41,810
I'm on the fund-raising
committee at Western.
277
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:43,846
Hi there. This is my wife Jill.
278
00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:46,282
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
279
00:16:46,306 --> 00:16:48,317
Oh, Tim, it's really great
to have you back here.
280
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:50,452
It's really great to
be allowed back here.
281
00:16:50,476 --> 00:16:54,590
Ha-ha-ha-ha. You are gonna do
fantastic things for this university.
282
00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:56,725
I think we're gonna be
able to build the new library
283
00:16:56,749 --> 00:16:58,728
with all the donations
you'll help us get.
284
00:16:58,752 --> 00:17:00,428
What are you talking about?
285
00:17:00,452 --> 00:17:03,032
Well, you're a big celebrity
in the construction world,
286
00:17:03,056 --> 00:17:05,333
and we'll be able to use
you to solicit contributions
287
00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:07,402
from the building community.
288
00:17:07,426 --> 00:17:08,871
Solicit contributions.
289
00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:11,339
Mm, and he'll
be wonderful at it.
290
00:17:11,363 --> 00:17:13,676
That's why I really pushed
to have him get this doctorate.
291
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,677
Some members of the committee
292
00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:17,679
wanted to give it to
an award-winning poet.
293
00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:20,838
Like he could help us
raise a dime. Ha-ha-ha.
294
00:17:24,176 --> 00:17:27,389
But that's not the only reason
you're giving Tim the degree.
295
00:17:27,413 --> 00:17:29,258
They appreciate
Tool Time, right?
296
00:17:29,282 --> 00:17:30,726
Tool Time?
297
00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:32,494
My show.
298
00:17:32,518 --> 00:17:36,232
Oh, yes. I've never seen
it, but I hear it's very cute.
299
00:17:36,256 --> 00:17:38,066
I'll see you at
the podium. Yeah.
300
00:17:38,090 --> 00:17:40,669
Cute, real cute.
Feel like an idiot.
301
00:17:40,693 --> 00:17:42,871
I feel like an idiot.
302
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:44,115
The only reason I'm
here is because they
303
00:17:44,139 --> 00:17:45,507
want a celebrity to
help them solicit funds.
304
00:17:45,531 --> 00:17:48,877
Hey, hey, she just is from
the fund-raising committee.
305
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:51,747
She doesn't represent
everybody at Western.
306
00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:54,749
Look, even if they are just giving
this to you because you're a celebrity,
307
00:17:54,773 --> 00:17:57,018
you wouldn't be a celebrity if
you didn't have a great show.
308
00:17:57,042 --> 00:18:00,755
Binford hired you because you did
so well in engineering at Western.
309
00:18:00,779 --> 00:18:01,923
You believe that?
310
00:18:01,947 --> 00:18:04,259
Yes, I do. I'm sorry. I...
311
00:18:04,283 --> 00:18:07,062
I should've been more
supportive all along.
312
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:09,898
I was feeling jealous because
it's gonna be so many years
313
00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:11,933
until I get my doctorate.
314
00:18:11,957 --> 00:18:15,271
The presentation of the
Ph.D.s is about to begin.
315
00:18:15,295 --> 00:18:17,339
By the time I get my Ph.D.,
316
00:18:17,363 --> 00:18:20,443
I'll be too old to remember
what Ph.D. stands for.
317
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:22,544
Don't feel bad. I'm
just about to get one,
318
00:18:22,568 --> 00:18:25,670
and I still don't know
what it stands for.
319
00:18:27,306 --> 00:18:29,140
Knock 'em dead.
320
00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:37,259
Now we'd like to present
this year's honorary doctorate
321
00:18:37,283 --> 00:18:39,528
to an alumnus - class of '76.
322
00:18:39,552 --> 00:18:42,364
A man who, day in and day out,
323
00:18:42,388 --> 00:18:47,135
teaches people that,
with the right tools,
324
00:18:47,159 --> 00:18:50,305
anything is possible.
325
00:18:50,329 --> 00:18:51,907
Let's give a warm
326
00:18:51,931 --> 00:18:54,710
Western Michigan
University welcome
327
00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:59,536
to Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
328
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:08,390
Professor Hankey.
329
00:19:08,414 --> 00:19:10,181
Thank you.
330
00:19:11,184 --> 00:19:12,761
Ahem.
331
00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:14,797
Thank you all.
332
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:17,254
I, uh... Oh, boy.
333
00:19:23,262 --> 00:19:25,241
Ahem.
334
00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:29,678
You know, the last time I
gave a speech at Western,
335
00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:33,982
I was actually in the dean's
office. Remember that?
336
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:36,351
Trying to convince her to
not kick me out of school.
337
00:19:36,375 --> 00:19:39,488
I had those women's
underpants on my head.
338
00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:43,259
It was frat week. It
was a long time ago.
339
00:19:43,283 --> 00:19:45,316
He's dyin'.
340
00:19:47,353 --> 00:19:49,698
You know, my dad
taught me years ago
341
00:19:49,722 --> 00:19:53,001
that a tool in your hands
keeps those hands out of trouble.
342
00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:55,170
What this university taught me
343
00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:58,540
was that education is perhaps
the greatest tool of 'em all.
344
00:19:58,564 --> 00:20:01,310
Of course, my first
couple years here,
345
00:20:01,334 --> 00:20:04,569
I thought a corkscrew
was the best tool...
346
00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:10,985
But seriously, I want you all to know
how much I appreciate this award.
347
00:20:11,009 --> 00:20:12,821
I really do.
348
00:20:12,845 --> 00:20:15,724
I also want you to know I have
nothing but respect for all of you
349
00:20:15,748 --> 00:20:18,727
who have put in years of work
to earn an advanced degree -
350
00:20:18,751 --> 00:20:21,463
one student out
there in particular -
351
00:20:21,487 --> 00:20:25,455
so here is to higher education.
352
00:20:29,596 --> 00:20:31,540
Let me help you.
353
00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:33,642
Uh, watch your hand on that.
354
00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:36,100
Aah!
355
00:20:41,373 --> 00:20:44,909
I know how she
feels, I'll tell ya that.
356
00:20:47,179 --> 00:20:50,881
But that kinda felt good there just at
the beginning of that. I've been there.
357
00:20:54,854 --> 00:20:58,989
Uh, I suppose you wanna
see me in your office.
358
00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:04,406
Well, it's time once again
to dip into the ol' mailbag.
359
00:21:04,430 --> 00:21:06,408
Heidi, the mailbag, please.
360
00:21:06,432 --> 00:21:08,844
I bet your anxious to
read all those letters
361
00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:10,979
congratulating
you on your Ph.D.?
362
00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:14,304
I don't think we'll have
time to read them all, Al.
363
00:21:18,010 --> 00:21:19,677
I think we might.
364
00:21:27,086 --> 00:21:29,298
Todd from Toledo writes,
365
00:21:29,322 --> 00:21:31,233
"Dear Tim, when I heard
you were getting a Ph.D.,
366
00:21:31,257 --> 00:21:34,592
three words came
to mind - Why not Al?"
367
00:21:44,670 --> 00:21:48,383
Thanks, Todd. "He's the one who
works his tail off day in, day out.
368
00:21:48,407 --> 00:21:51,052
"It's time for America to stand
up and cheer for Albert Borland,
369
00:21:51,076 --> 00:21:53,822
who slaves..." I
can't read this, Todd.
370
00:21:53,846 --> 00:21:55,613
Tirelessly.
371
00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:03,832
How did you know what that said?
372
00:22:03,856 --> 00:22:05,522
I guessed.
373
00:22:08,594 --> 00:22:09,938
Did you,
374
00:22:09,962 --> 00:22:12,974
or is it possible
that Albert Borland
375
00:22:12,998 --> 00:22:16,633
is Todd from Toledo?
376
00:22:17,670 --> 00:22:21,249
How could you stoop
to something so dumb?
377
00:22:21,273 --> 00:22:23,819
I don't know.
378
00:22:23,843 --> 00:22:25,420
But there's no use
379
00:22:25,444 --> 00:22:28,045
reading this letter
from Andy from Akron.
380
00:22:41,693 --> 00:22:45,040
Actually, uh,
Mr. Smarty Flannel,
381
00:22:45,064 --> 00:22:47,242
this is - further from
the truth - Here, look.
382
00:22:47,266 --> 00:22:50,367
"Dear T..." Ha-ha-ha-ha.
383
00:22:51,503 --> 00:22:53,114
The voice.
384
00:22:53,138 --> 00:22:55,016
(gibberish)
385
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:56,673
(gibberish)
385
00:22:57,305 --> 00:23:57,534
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