Ooh, looking good, Al.
Thank you. I've been experimenting with those new volumizing shampoos.
- Mm-hmm. - Now I've got fluff!
Oh, guess what?
I ran into Ilene at the health club.
- I am so happy for her. - Happy about what?
- You haven't heard the news? - What news?
- Nothing, nothing. - Heidi, come on, come on.
- Come on, what news? - Al, she's engaged.
- What? - You know, I could've heard it wrong.
- I... - Oh, boy, engaged?
That happened so fast.
She...
Ilene's changed her whole life around.
And, and... I've done...
nothing.
But, your hair looks so good.
Does everybody know what time it is?
- [all] Tool Time! - That's right!
Binford Tools is proud to present,
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, whoo!
[audience cheering, clapping]
Thank you, Heidi.
Thank you, studio audience, welcome to Tool Time.
I am who I am,
I am Tim "The Tool Man."
And, of course you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
Today we're talking about sharpening tools,
'cause as we all know, a dull tool is a useless tool.
And nobody wants a dull, useless tool.
So what do they do? They just replace it with a...
more exciting, probably better looking tool.
Or they sharpen it.
Which is what Al and I will do today, showing you how to sharpen
with this professional knife-sharpening system...
Al? Got a minute?
Got the whole rest of my life.
It'll just be me, all alone with my tools.
A guy could do worse. [chuckles]
Let's start with garden tools, can we?
The simplest way to do that is use a two grit whetstone. Al?
Huh?
What's the matter with you? Are you on that all-corn diet again?
Uh, to sharpen your garden tool, you'll wanna...
take the whetstone, uh,
across the surface of the blade,
in strong, smooth strokes,
following the, the curve of the blade.
In a former life, Al was a motivational speaker.
Let's talk about knives,
these are chef's knives, stainless steel with carbon in them.
They're very expensive, so a good rule is
not to use too much pressure. Pressure must be exact.
Well, what do you know about pressure? You know.
I'm almost 40 and I'm still single.
You keep this up, you'll be 40, single and unemployed.
As I said, these knives are pricey, you want to pay attention, Al.
I know what I'm doing.
I'm just saying, with proper care,
these tools can always be a precision cutting instrument.
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Great show, everyone.
Almost.
Al, what's the matter with you?
I just found out Ilene is engaged.
Ooh, that's the problem. Oh.
- I thought you were over her. - I am.
But, the point is, she's moved on.
She's... found somebody else.
All I've done is switched to a shampoo with jojoba.
What do you expect, a woman to pop out of a Prell bottle?
Al, you're a bouncin' and behavin' guy.
- You just gotta get out more. - Well, I get out.
Heck, I'm over at your house twice this week for dinner.
I mean get out and meet some women. You gotta get back in the saddle.
- [sighs] You're right. - I know I'm right.
- What am I waiting for? - What?
- Back in that saddle! - Saddle!
- Back on that horse! - Horse!
Lasso that future Mrs. Borland.
Yippee-yi-yo-ki-yay!
[both shouting]
Howdy! You wanna go out Saturday night?
[tapping keys]
So, when's dinner?
6:15, same time it's been every night this week.
Al, um, weren't you supposed to have a date tonight?
Well, it wasn't really a date.
This lady selling Amway said she might call back.
Wow.
Shouldn't you be home, waiting for the call?
No, I gave her this number.
And if she doesn't call back, that's alright too.
'Cause I'm here with the people I love and people who love me.
[door opens]
Borland, you still here?
[shouts] Boys, dinner's here!
So, chicken, huh? Uh-oh!
You always forget the moist towelettes.
Do I? Where is my mind?
Not to worry, I got some emergency towelettes in the car.
Emergency towelettes...
and he can't get a date?
- Chicken. - Oh, no.
- You know how much Al likes chicken. - Al likes anything.
Just hide the drumsticks so we don't all starve.
Tim, this is ridiculous. He can't just spend all of his free time here.
I've got a paper due Friday, I can't get any work done.
He's driving us nuts.
He keeps following me around, asking me how I meet women.
Amazing. A grown man as desperate as Mark.
I've got to find him a woman.
Why doesn't he go on the internet?
He tried that.
He ended up having coffee with a 60-year-old stripper named Vince.
Got the towelettes!
I also found some packets of hot sauce
in case tomorrow night we go "south of the border."
Al... it's not that we don't love you coming over for dinner
- night after night after night. - After night.
But, um, I was thinking that maybe, I don't know,
you could go out into the dating world again.
Have you ever considered going to, like, a singles bar?
Oh, I tried that once.
I spent the whole night alone at the bar...
building a fort out of swizzle sticks.
Well, Al, you can't go to a singles bar by yourself.
You need to take a friend with you, that way you feel more relaxed and confident.
- I don't have any single friends. - What about Wilson?
- How about Benny? - No, no, no, no.
We wanna attract women, not repel them.
Well, OK, then, then, just take a married friend, take Tim.
Excuse me?
Yeah, Tim would be willing to go bar-hopping with you tonight.
- I would? - That's great! Alright!
Hey, hold on a minute, excuse me a second.
Back the open marriage mobile up, OK?
You want me to go out and look for women?
Well... oh, either that or
we could just have Al here for dinner every night
for the rest of our lives.
Dad, if you love your family,
you'll go to the singles bar, cruise for chicks.
Tim, you gotta hurry up and get to the bar before all the good women are taken.
OK.
Aren't you the least bit worried some woman might fall for me?
[laughing] No.
You're only gonna be there long enough for Al to meet somebody.
That's not long enough for anybody to fall... you gonna wear this tie?
What's the matter with this tie?
Well, it's fine for business, but it's no good if you wanna get some action.
I'm not looking to get any "action".
I know, but Al is and you're supposed to be part of a team.
You gotta go upstairs and change your pants. Wear those black jeans.
- The tight ones? - Oh, yeah.
You gotta show off that butt, you know?
- Why would I show off my butt? - For Al!
I'm beginning to think going after another woman wouldn't be that bad of an idea.
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah, well, OK.
You don't trust me, we'll just go get a totally objective opinion, OK?
OK, Tim, spin for your neighbor one more time.
What do you think? He's going out. I want him to look good.
She says I should wear tighter pants for Al,
I say I look fine, what do you say?
Well, how does Al like his men to dress?
It's not for Al, it's for the single women
they're hoping to pick up at the singles bar.
Oh, silly me, how could I have missed that?
- It's not as bad as it sounds. - I hope not.
Al's been really lonely, he's hanging around our house way too much.
So, I volunteered Tim to go with him to a singles bar for moral support.
I think this is ridiculous.
Well, Tim, there is no sacrifice too great to make for a friend.
In the words of the very famous wise men, KC and the Sunshine Band,
"Shake your booty."
Easy to say, it's not your booty.
Actually, I've gone to far greater lengths to help out a friend.
I remember when I was in Japan, my old flame, Miyoshi,
was too ill to attend a cooking contest.
So I donned her kimono, applied a light blush,
and submitted her spinach wasabi rice cakes to the judge.
So, for a friend, you dressed up as a woman?
Oh, absolutely. I walked away with first prize.
And a marriage proposal from the vice president of Toyota.
- So, you see my point? - What?
Go stuff yourself into those jeans, then we'll talk about pick-up lines.
I can use the same pick-up line I used on you.
I don't think she's really gonna like, "Sorry I hurled on your shoe."
[music playing]
Wow, look at this place!
It's so hip and happenin'.
What am I doing here?
Same thing every other guy is doing.
Trying to find a nice, decent woman in a meat market.
All the women are so beautiful.
What are they gonna want with me?
I don't know. Why don't you ask those two girls over there looking at you.
[sighs]
- Come with me. - You don't need me, you're a celebrity.
- Hi. - [both giggle]
[stammers] Uh, Tim, I believe you had something to say?
Hi.
Yeah, that was it. Hi.
- I'm Kathy. - I'm Donna.
And, you would be...
Good one!
You are from out of town?
No, we've lived in Detroit all our lives.
Oh, well, have you seen a show called Tool Time?
- No. - Uh-uh.
- What is it? - It's a very popular television show.
- Oh. Cool. - Really? Wow.
- And I'm the star. - [both] Wow!
- Oh! - Wow!
- Terrific. - Yeah.
Anyhoo, where was I?
- Sheboygan - Sheboygan, yeah.
The autograph hounds would not give me a moment's peace.
Oh, wow.
It must be wonderful to work with a star of Al's magnitude.
What do you do on the show?
He assists me.
Actually, I stand around
and he takes shots at my grossly overweight mother.
- I've always had a thing for sidekicks. - Hmm.
Something salty?
But I think you're cute enough to be the star.
We gotta go.
- Al. - Huh?
You got that beard moussing at 5:00 a.m.
- What are you talking about? - We don't want to be late for Jill.
- Jill's my boss. - Oh.
- Oh, uh... I... - You know, I gotta get going anyway.
Well, Tim, you know, if you feel like hanging out a little longer,
then I could always just drive you to work in the morning.
What kinda car do you got?
Tim.
Morning? Well, then you would...
Well, [clears throat] it was great meeting you. Maybe we can get together again?
Hey, who knows? In the future, down the line, our paths may cross.
How about tomorrow night?
[both] We'd love to!
That's great! Then the four of us have a date right here at 8:00.
I can't wait.
- Don't worry about the drinks, they're on me. - [both] Thanks. Bye.
What are you thinking about? You got me into a date!
Well, I wanted to see Kathy again and I didn't want Donna to feel left out.
And you... You were so cold to her, she probably thinks you're not interested.
I'm not interested, I'm married, you idiot!
Well, that's no excuse for bad manners.
Let's talk about bad manners.
Lying for two hours saying you hosted Tool Time?
[stammering] Ok, I did, but I can clear all that up tomorrow night on our date.
Perfect. While you clear that up, clear up why I'm not gonna be there.
No, no, no, you have to come with me. Just...
fly with me one more time, you're my copilot.
I'm not spending the night here with a beautiful
woman who worships the ground I stand on.
I'm gonna spend the night with my wife.
Hey, Dad, you all ready for your big date tonight?
It's not a date, I'm actually breaking up with her tonight.
Already?
That was a short romance.
There was never a romance, there never will be a romance.
Well, not with that attitude.
Fellas, the only reason I'm going down there tonight,
is I don't trust Al to tell that woman I'm married.
Maybe it's me, but shouldn't you have told her you're married on the first date?
And you're supposed to be our role model.
Whoa! Why are you wearing that?
- For the date I'm going on. - You can't wear that.
If these pants were any tighter, my navel would be under my Adam's apple.
Well, I know. I want you to wear looser pants.
- You look way too sexy. - I thought you wanted me to look sexy.
To pick up a woman, not break up with one.
So I dress like a slob?
Yeah, just dress the way you normally do,
the rest will take care of itself.
So, Kathy, what is it like
working for a company that manufactures spools?
It's great.
Really? Where do you learn about spools?
Spool school?
I'm gonna tell her the truth right now.
And then you go to graduate spool?
Just wait till I make another date with Kathy.
- Tim, how do you feel about marriage? - Hate it.
What?
- Wow, how about kids? - I had a vasectomy.
Really? That is terrific.
Well, it's not as much fun as it sounds.
I have always felt that marriage was very confining
and that kids greatly take away from the raw power of the sexual experience.
[moaning]
Have you noticed the mustard stain on these chinos?
I'm not looking at the mustard, I'm looking at the buns.
Hello! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I have to go to the little mechanics room, Al, you wanna join me?
- Huh? - Go change our oil.
- Huh? - Flush our coolants.
What?
Pee.
- This charade's gotta stop. - What?
We gotta tell those women the truth.
Wait till after the shrimp cocktail.
I'm tired of lying. I hate her touching me,
I can't pretend to be something that I'm not.
Perfect timing. Look, the shrimp cocktail just arrived.
- Hey, before we eat... - Hey, Tim, look! Tiger prawns.
[both growling, laughing]
Before we eat, I want to make a confession.
You're not really on TV, are you?
No, no, we are. But, Tim is actually the star.
Yeah, they call me "The Tool Man."
Ooh, I bet they do.
They call me the married tool man.
Aww, man.
- But, but it's not his fault. - No.
You see, I, I was recovering from a break-up
and I was feeling uneasy about dating again.
- So, I asked Tim to... - Deceive my best friend?
And you lied to me.
Well, I hope this doesn't affect our future.
It can't. Because there is no future.
- [sighs] - Just checking.
Does your wife know you're at a singles bar?
It was her idea.
Oh, you showbiz people are sick.
[sighing]
I hate the single life.
Well, this singles thing is a lot tougher than I thought.
I should never have lied to her.
No, you shouldn't have lied to her.
But, she liked you for a while.
She did, didn't she?
It was a good first step.
If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have been here to take that.
Thanks to you, Tim, I... I've gained my confidence back!
And I learned something about spools.
You don't need me to find women. You're, you're...
[chuckles] ...check out 3:00.
No, 3:00.
Excuse me.
Hi, I'm Al Borland and I would like to buy you a drink.
Oh, I don't drink.
Mostly I just sit here building forts out of swizzle sticks.
Hello, again. I'm Richard.
You like jazz?
Not to worry, I've got emergency towelettes in my car.
Emergency toilettes.
He can't get... toilets.
What's the matter with you you just got... [unintelligible]
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