- OK. A buck says Brad goes to the party. - All righty.
Another dollar says Brad's been feeling like a loser since Angela dumped him.
And there's no way he's going to that party.
Well, we all know Brad's a loser.
But I still say he's going to the party.
You're betting on Brad's social life?
Actually, I'm betting against it.
Gambling on your brother's broken heart. That's really nice, guys.
Still time to get into the Brad party pool? I got a buck says he's not going.
You can't bet against your own son.
- Why? How are you betting? - [Jill scoffs]
I would've gotten in the action earlier, but I pulled my back out.
- How'd you do that? - Don't ask.
I decided I'm not going to the party.
- Yes! - [both laugh]
All right, thank you very much.
Your lack of self-esteem has made me a very rich man.
- Brad, you have to go to this party. - You think so?
You can't stay locked in your room forever
just cause you got dumped by dingbat, motormouth Angela,
who, by the way, I really liked in case you get back together.
- I'll go for a little while. - All right.
- All right. I'll be back by 11:00.
- You don't have to come back early. - How about 11:30?
You're staying out till past midnight, no more arguments!
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- What's that smell? - I don't smell anything.
Oh, man! You still haven't learned how to load a dishwasher.
It's a subjective thing, honey.
Look, the Salvador Dali Collection.
- [sighs] Did I miss breakfast? - And lunch.
- When did you get in? About 12:30? - Yes, I did.
Did you meet somebody?
Yes, I did.
He met somebody. Isn't that adorable?
- What's her name? - Samantha.
Samantha.
Adorable. What is she like?
Well, she's really cute, she loves sports, and she drives a '68 Camaro.
Camaro? Adorable.
- So, when are you gonna see her again? - [doorbell rings]
Soon as I open the door. She's taking me to the Red Wings game.
Red Wings? Adorable!
- How you doing? - Hi.
Meet my mom and dad. This is Samantha Hayes.
- Hi. Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
- I'm Jill. - Hi, Samantha. Tim Taylor.
- It's nice to meet you. - Brad was telling us about you.
- Well, good things, I hope. - Yeah.
Before we let you out, there's a few things we need to know.
- Uh, Dad...? - I'm doing this for your own good.
Samantha, that Camaro... is it a big block?
You'll have to excuse my husband.
He gets very concerned about his son
getting mixed up with the wrong... car.
You guys go to the same school?
No. Samantha goes to Wayne State.
- College? - Yeah. I'm majoring in communications.
- I want to be a sportscaster. - She knows everything about soccer.
Great. So you're one of those kids
that shot through high school to college?
No. I started when I was 18. I'm a junior now.
Yeah, we're both juniors.
Except you're in high school.
Oh, it's hard to believe.
Brad is more responsible and polite
than the college guys I've gone out with.
- You raised a real gentleman. - I didn't know we were finished.
- Well, we should be going. - Bye.
- OK. Bye, guys. Have a good time. - Nice to meet you. Have fun.
All right.
Well, I really wasn't ready for that.
Wait, wait. Hold it. If she went to college when she was 18, she's a junior,
that would make her... well, older.
She's at least 20.
- Who's 20? - This girl Brad's going out with.
What would a 20-year-old woman want with Brad?
Maybe where she lives she's not allowed to have a dog.
Are you OK with this?
Yeah. She seems like she's very nice.
- Brad's just a boy. - Oh, come on, Mom!
Younger girls date older guys all the time. No one says anything about it.
- You have a double standard. - He's right.
I love you. But sometimes you can be a bit sexist.
Well, it's our two-week anniversary.
We should go somewhere special for dinner.
Yeah. How about...
[both] Chinese!
- I know this great place. - Hong Fat's?
- You know Hong Fat? - I knew him when he was Hong Thin.
I knew you were gonna say that.
- You did? - Yeah.
I just can't believe I only met you two weeks ago.
Yeah. It kind of feels like we've known each other our whole lives.
How was I lucky enough to meet a guy like you?
Well, I guess we were at the right place at the right time.
Two strangers reaching for onion dip.
So, when was the exact moment
you knew I really, really liked you?
I guess when you met my parents and you didn't run away screaming.
OK, Samantha. I got it.
You want to meet Brad for dinner at Bangles at 9:00.
OK. Bye now.
Dinner at 9:00.
Just a couple of years ago he was going to bed at 9:00.
A couple years from now we'll be going to bed at 9:00.
Brad has spent every available moment with Samantha for the last month.
They're going too fast. I don't like it.
I'm not so sure. His schoolwork isn't suffering. His job's OK.
He's coming in every night at curfew. Samantha's a better parent than we are.
- Hey, everybody! - There's a note for you on the counter.
- Nice jacket. - Oh, you like it?
- Yeah. - Samantha helped me pick it out.
She says "dress for who you want to be."
Who do you want to be?
I don't know. I just figure I'll put on the clothes and see who I turn into.
You've been learning an awful lot from Samantha?
It's great. You're not gonna believe, she wants me to take her to Tool Time.
Yeah?
There's something seriously wrong with this woman.
Funny. I'm starting to like her a lot.
She's thinking about being in TV,
she wants to see what it's like to tape a live show.
Brad, do you think maybe you're moving a little fast in this relationship?
We're moving fast because we really like each other.
Brad, I think the point is she is three years older than you.
And, um, we're just worried that...
maybe you're getting in too deep.
You're three years older than Mom.
Look how deep I'm in.
Thank you. Welcome back to Tool Time's salute...
[electric razor buzzing]
[both] ...to shaving.
It's been grooming week.
We've been cutting, clipping, moussing and foaming.
Now we tackle the mother of all problems,
removal of unwanted facial hair.
That's right. Every little boy remembers peering over the sink
watching his father shaving.
In your case it was your mom, wasn't it?
[imitating] "Al, stop staring at me! Get me another beer, will ya?!"
Tim?
Shaving equipment has come a long way over the years.
Right. Today we have a lot of things to choose from.
Double-edged, swivel head, disposable, and a wide array of electric shavers.
But for the purist, nothing beats the cut of a straight edge.
- Right, Al? - That's right.
Look out! My thumb! Oh, my God! Just kidding.
Today we're gonna show how close it shaves
by shaving Al's beard. Right, Al?
I don't think so, Tim.
I've grown rather fond of this beard.
You call it a beard. I call it a runway for Fritos.
[audience laughs]
In barber college they practice on a balloon
to get a handle on a straight edge so they don't nick their customers.
I've got my own version of the balloon.
Why do you put my face on everything you're about to mangle or destroy?
Because your butt won't fit.
Why don't we take some audience questions
while Tim lathers up this ruggedly handsome balloon?
All right, any questions? Yes, sir?
No matter what kind of razor I use, I cut myself.
What do you recommend to stop the bleeding?
Grow a beard. [snorts]
I recommend a styptic pencil.
Don't use toilet paper.
Otherwise, you have squares over your face with the red dots in them.
Looks like your face is covered with little Japanese flags.
Very embarrassing down at the VFW Hall.
All right. Um, well, why don't we... Heidi, some more questions?
OK. Who else has a question?
Yes, Brad?
Ladies and gentlemen, this handsome young man is Tim's oldest son, Brad.
Uh, yes. I'm a twice-a-week shaver with a pretty light beard. What should I use?
A big brown crayon.
Brad, introduce us to your friend there.
Oh, I'd love to. This is Samantha Hayes.
She's a communications major at Wayne State
and she plans to be a sportscaster.
Is she your girlfriend, Brad?
Well, actually, as of today, this is my fiancée.
- [audience murmurs] - Fiancée?
Well, yes. We just decided to get married.
Why were you joking about getting married?
I was trying to do a serious show.
Dad, I'm not joking.
Samantha and I put a lot of thought into this.
You can't. You've only been seeing each other for a month.
Mr. Taylor, I know it seems fast, but...
Brad and I clicked from the beginning.
Put your clickers away. This is ridiculous, guys.
I knew you were gonna react like this. You should be congratulating us.
Waiter, get me some champagne.
And two juice boxes for the bride and groom!
It doesn't matter what you say. We're getting married. Let's get out of here.
Brad... Hey! Hey!
You can't get married! You got homework!
Mark, have you seen the salad spinner? I can't find it anywhere.
Yeah. I put it in the dishwasher last night.
Oh, no.
[sighs] It's genetic.
- [door closes] - [Tim] Hi.
Hi. One of our sons is now melting plasticware.
Well, another one of our sons might be registering for it.
What does that mean?
Brad and Samantha want to get married.
Married? That's insane!
It's sad, really. Can I have his room?
Would you excuse us for a minute, please?
Listen to this. They announced their engagement on Tool Time.
I tried to talk to him about it. He just ran out on me.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What if she's pregnant?
[groans]
What if they're getting married because they want to get pregnant?
She probably just wants to get a hold of the Taylor fortune.
- There is no Taylor fortune. - Not in cash. But we are tool rich.
[Jill moans]
- We've got to stop this. - We gotta stop it.
- We can't panic. - Can't panic.
We've gotta be diplomatic so we don't alienate Brad.
We don't want Brad as an alien.
- Oh, uh, hi, Brad. Hi. - Hi, Brad.
- I'll be up in my room studying. - Fair enough.
That was good. That was calm. That was good.
Are you insane? What is the matter with you? You're acting like a crazy person!
How could you even think about getting married at your age?
Mom, Samantha and I love each other and we want to build a life together.
Better build a small one.
Not much room up in that bedroom of yours, is there?
Ever since I told you about this, all you've been doing is joking around.
When exactly do you plan to have this wedding?
We might not have the wedding. We might elope.
- [Tim moans] - Just tell me, is Samantha pregnant?
No, Mom. She's not pregnant.
Are you getting married just so you can have sex?
What is with you, Mom? All you think about is sex!
[footsteps]
What are you doing?
Oh, I was just staring at the stars,
trying to figure out what it's all about.
- Yeah? What did you find out? - Teenagers are nuts.
And Orion's belt actually has some tools in it.
- Hi-ho, good neighbors. - Hi, Wilson.
Pondering a distant galaxy?
Actually, we're wishing that we were up there.
- Having a little problem with Brad. - He's not eating his veggies.
No... gettin' married.
Married? At Brad's age?
He'll have to sit at the children's table at his own wedding.
We know he's obviously too young for this,
but we can't get through to him.
And the more we argue with him, the farther away it drives him.
Maybe you shouldn't argue so much.
Great, just let him ruin his life?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
The 19th century English novelist Elizabeth Gaskell said,
"The wise parent nurtures the desire for independence
in order to become a friend and advisor when his absolute power ceases."
If an English novelist said that, how come it's not in English?
He means if we expect Brad to listen to us
we've got to be on his side.
- But we're not on his side, honey. - It's reverse psychology.
We have to pretend we are.
Well, that isn't the most honest interpretation
of Miss Gaskell's words.
She won't complain. She's been dead 100 years.
Show a little respect. That's Eddie Haskell's mom, right?
[music on video game]
- Here comes the groom. - Shut up.
Hey, Brad, we were thinking about places
to have your bachelor party.
How do you feel about Chuck E. Cheese?
Yeah. The groom gets free tokens.
I get enough crap from Mom and Dad. I'm not taking it from you guys.
Oh, good, Brad, you're here. We want to talk to you.
Oh, I am so glad I'm not you right now.
- There's nothing to talk about. - Now, wait, wait.
Look, we overreacted about this Samantha thing.
We want to make it up to you.
We've been thinking, we'd like to have her over for dinner.
Why?
Well, if you're this serious about her, we should get to know her better.
- So, you guys mean it? - Yeah, absolutely.
I want to make it really special.
- What's her favorite dish? - Anything.
Chicken Cordon Bleu with endive watercress salad.
We'll go with your favorite dish.
Sloppy Joes and Tater Tots?
Mrs. Taylor, you cooked a delicious dinner.
[Tim scoffs] If you're gonna be part of the family, you gotta be honest.
OK. The brown stuff is a little salty.
Roll it around in the green stuff. It'll slide right down.
I'm glad you guys are positive about our engagement.
- It's important to us. - They had a little trouble at first.
But then they realized how committed we are and they came around.
- It's good for us, too. - Oh, what do you mean?
We've been real worried about putting three boys through college.
And now we just have to worry about Mark and Randy.
Why, I still want to go to college.
Oh, sure, honey. But, you know, you're gonna be married and on your own.
So, you have to pay for it yourself.
All right, that's fine. I mean, I'll probably get a scholarship anyway.
If you don't, I'll get a job when I graduate next year.
- I'll pay your tuition. - No, you shouldn't do that.
If that happens, I just won't go to college.
Brad, I don't want our children to have a father who never went to college.
Children?
Oh, yeah. Children. Mmm.
Have you decided how many you want to have?
I am very excited about the idea of grandchildren.
- Oh, I'd like one of each. - How about you, Brad?
Children?
Sure. You're gonna love them,
coming home to their chubby little faces after a long night of delivering pizzas.
So, what makes you think I'll be delivering pizzas?
I'll still work at the sporting goods store.
Oh. Well, yeah. But, you're gonna need a second job to support the kids.
OK. I see what you're doing here. You're trying to scare us.
- It's not going to work. - If your parents are having a problem,
- we should talk this out. - No, I'm through talking.
I talked to them. They said they were supportive. It was just an act.
Let's get out of here.
Well, thanks for dinner.
It was... OK.
Well, that went well.
Did you see Brad's face when he heard the word "children"?
- I think we had a real effect on them. - Maybe.
Or they could be headed across the state line to get married.
Congratulations, Granny.
[sighs] I'm sorry you had to go through that.
It's OK.
My parents are gonna go ballistic
when I tell them we're getting married.
You haven't told them yet?
No. I wanted to wait until they made my next car payment.
Yeah. Well, at least we know we're doing the right thing, right?
- That's right. - Marriage is gonna be great.
Yeah, great.
How soon were you planning on having children?
Well, not right away.
I was thinking of waiting a few years.
Five... ten.
- Is that too long for you? - No, no. I was thinking like 15, 20.
Brad, do you really think you're ready to get married?
Well, I don't know.
I mean, how do you feel?
I think we should slow down a little.
[exhales deeply] Man, I'm glad to hear you say that.
And as much as I like you,
I mean, it would be kind of weird taking my report card home to my wife.
I need more plasticware for these leftovers.
[Jill] Oh, man!
- [Jill] Brad? - Listen, before you guys say anything,
there's something I want to tell you.
You want to register at Toys 'R' Us?
No. Samantha and I decided not to follow through on this whole marriage thing.
Really? How come?
Lots of reasons. But none of this had anything to do with what you guys said.
- No. Of course not. - You're old enough to make decisions.
That's right.
- Goodnight. - 'Night.
Goodnight, honey.
Yes!
No wedding. This calls for a celebration.
This proves that we can deal
with any crisis that comes our way.
Here's to two parents that can handle anything.
I'm going out. I'll be back about 9:00.
Was his hair pink?
Fuchsia.
What we're gonna do is, I'm gonna use this practice balloon sent over by
the Straub Barber College.
Hey!
[both] I don't go for that sort of thing!
I don't go for that sort of thing.
You scared the [bleep] out of me.
- I don't like to be scared. - I don't like to be scared.
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