[Jill] Hi, sweetie.
- Hey, how ya doing? - All right.
- Good news, I finished the kitchen. - Finally!
I, uh, like it. It's airy.
Well, Tim, when you said done, I had a whole different image in my mind.
I finished my part. I got the cabinets in, huh?
- Well, they look great. - Thank you.
Now we just gotta find the right granite guy to put in the countertops.
Tim, you fired the last two 'cause you didn't like the way they measured.
And then you interviewed another 100 guys. Can't you just pick one?
Honey, you cannot pick a granite guy out of the phone book
like you would a doctor or a lawyer!
I got my feelers out.
When, realistically, do you think
we can expect to have our kitchen finished?
[scoffs] If I could predict the future, I'd be down at the racetrack right now.
- [phone rings] - Cross your fingers.
Hello... this is him.
Hi.
Perfect. That's the information on your answering machine.
Can you be here tomorrow, 8:00?
Perfect. I can't wait. Thank you very much. Bye.
The god of granite just smiled on us!
Meaning?
- We hired the best guy in the state. - Yes!
Well, apparently the couple he was working for split up. [laughs]
She got the sport ute and the house, he got the Shih Tzu.
And we got the granite guy!
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Hustle up, he'll be here any minute. I want everything neat and tidy.
Of course, we mustn't be messy for the granite guy.
Do I look OK for the granite guy?
You don't look OK for anybody.
I'm serious. It's important to project a good image for your sub-contractors.
Is that why you're not gonna be here today? Good thinking, Dad.
I'm not gonna to be here because I'm supporting my family.
I tell you, it'd be easier getting a new family
than getting a new granite guy.
And on that psychotic note, I'm leaving for school.
[Mark] Me, too.
Hey, uh, hugs and kisses to the granite guy.
Bye, guys, have a good day. Good morning.
Is that what you're wearing?
What's wrong?
Nothing, if we're going to a tractor pull or something.
- But the granite guy is coming. - [doorbell rings]
Put on lipstick, do something with your hair?
Sure, and I'll put on some pearls for the plumber. God!
Oh, hi. Patty. You're just in time for the granite guy.
I don't know what you're talking about. It's not the first time, though.
- Brought your psych book. - Thank you.
Look at Patty. She looks great, doesn't she?
She is ready for the granite guy.
- Will you shut up? - [doorbell rings]
- God. He's nuts! - What's that about?
- Tim Taylor? - Hey, that's me! Huh.
And I don't need to know who you are. Your work speaks for itself.
- I want to introduce you to my kitchen. - Wow.
Tim, you did a great job on these cabinets.
- And this is my wife, Jill. - And her friend, Patty.
Pleased to meet you, Patty.
Jill, I believe we've met before.
- Yes, I... I think we have. - Where?
At the Y. As a matter of fact, Tim, I've seen you there, too.
- Don't remember. - Small world, isn't it?
Yeah. Here I thought you were just a gym guy,
and you're the granite guy.
That's me. Hey, uh, Tim, I need a workspace. Do you have a garage?
Do I have a garage?
I got something out there, a '46 Ford convertible all retro-ed out.
Ooh, what do you have under the hood?
What do I have under the hood?
Oh, man, is he gorgeous! It's like he walked out of a dream!
Tell me about it!
He's the guy!
- What guy? - The guy! The guy! The guy!
- Who I had the dream about! - The guy that asked you out?
- Yes! - The widower with the four daughters?
No, no! That was just in my dream, you know.
I don't know anything about this real Ian.
- You gonna tell Tim he asked you out? - I can't.
I mean he's driven us all crazy looking for somebody to do the counters.
- He's finally found someone he likes. - So?
If I tell him he could get jealous and he'll fire him
and then I'll be looking at holes in my kitchen forever.
Yeah. I'll bet you'd much rather look at the granite guy.
Stop.
All that happened was he asked me on a date,
found out I was married, that's it.
- Right. But what about the dream? - The dream was just a dream.
Ian is just a symbol.
Yeah, a sex symbol. Well, OK!
- I gotta go! See you guys later. - Bye, Patty.
Bye, Tim.
Oh, well, I gotta get to work. If there is anything you need, just ask Jill.
- OK. - Give this guy whatever he wants.
- Bye. - Bye.
Well, this is certainly a coincidence, huh?
Yeah, I'll say!
What's your husband gonna say when he finds out I asked you out?
Well, I don't think I am gonna tell him.
Tim tends to get jealous and nothing happened, so what's the point?
If that's the way to handle it, you're secret's safe.
I gotta get stuff out of the truck.
Yeah, I have to work on this psych paper.
You know, I used to teach sculpting in college.
- Really? - Uh-huh.
How did you get involved in granite?
It pays a lot better, and I like working with my hands, you know?
Hmm, lucky us.
Welcome to Tool Time on location from Al's living room.
We're gonna show you how to conserve energy.
Now, a good place to start would be replacing all your old insulation.
- I would recommend that you... - Heidi?
- Yes? - Tell us when the camera is rolling.
OK!
Hi, I am Tim "the Landlord" Taylor
and, you all know my tenant, Al Borland.
Now, in winter, homes consume more energy,
which is why I like...
- double glazed windows. - And double glazed donuts.
Along with replacing windows, we came from the basement
where we put in furnace filters.
For maximum efficiently
I recommend replace the filters every 30 days.
Al's on a 30-day cycle. That explains the bloat.
All right now, next up, next up we're, uh,
we're gonna look for the greatest source of energy loss, air leaks!
You can find one underneath the front door.
Right, to simply fix that, put in a door sweep as a barrier.
- An easy do-it-yourself fix. - Let's get to work.
Ooh, Al, I see another draft.
[sighs] It's a cold one.
Would you like some of this old olive loaf?
At least I think those green things are olives.
I think I'll stick with what I brought.
Matter of fact, would you like some chicken Florentine?
- I got plenty. - Ooh, that smells great.
- Grab a plate. - OK, great. Thanks!
I'm, uh, not much of a cook.
My meatballs are harder than these countertops.
I have a killer recipe for meatballs.
- Really? What do you put it in it? - Cayenne and chili peppers.
- That sounds hot. - Oh, it is hot. I like hot, don't you?
Yeah, I like hot. Hot's good, nothing's wrong with hot.
Well, then you have to try this jalapeño corn bread.
Oh.
Mm-mmm, that's really good.
- Isn't it something? - Mm-hmm.
- That enough? - You bet.
God, it's nice to have a break from this stupid paper.
Yeah, you seemed a little stressed over it.
I have this teacher, Professor Nimmelman. He's impossible to please.
- Norm Nimmelman? - You know him?
Yeah, I play guitar in a band with him.
Norm Nimmelman is a musician?
Yeah. Well, let's just say he has an instrument and sound comes out of it.
Welcome back to our continuing effort to make Al's place energy efficient.
Thank you, Heidi. We now give you...
[fanfare plays]
[both] The board door!
Now, a board door is the most effective way
to detect air leaks in your home.
By creating a vacuum inside the house,
it pulls outside air through any cracks.
- Since you can't see air... - Unless you live in Los Angeles.
Oh, that's not pollution, that's a marine layer!
We're gonna use this generator to create smoke
so we can then see our leaks.
Thank you, Tim. Now have you sealed up the house,
- all doors, windows, vents? - You bet I have.
We're ready to see leaks.
But first off, let's make sure that the fireplace flue is shut.
A good way to remember that is to close the flue, pull towards you.
Push away, make fire today.
My grandfather taught me that.
All right, Tim, why don't you go outside and crank up the smoke?
- Can I turn on the blower? - All right.
It's a great control panel. Look at this bad boy, huh?
[machine whirring]
[whirrs much faster]
You might not want to tweak it that high.
The faster we tweak, the faster we find our leak.
My grandma taught me that one.
All right, now we'll just seal this up.
And wherever we see smoke, I'll just mark that with my adhesive
and we'll caulk and seal the leak.
All right, here's one. Pretty common place for it.
Smoke will come in under the siding there.
Turn off the fan!
Tim probably wants me to turn up the fan. No way!
Al, I was wrong about the flue.
To close the flue, it's push away from you... Close the flue!
Ah, well, boy, that would defeat our purpose, wouldn't it?
So we'll, uh, we'll just close that up there.
Seems to be stuck.
OK, I'll see ya. Bye!
- Well, I'm back. - What happened?
- Truck won't start. - Oh.
Can I use your phone? I'll call a buddy and get a lift.
- Where do you live? - Ferndale.
- Ferndale? I could give you a ride. - Ah, you don't have to do that.
After you shared your lunch with me, that's the least I can do!
OK, do you mind if I leave my tools here?
Uh, yeah, yeah, sure. Oh, oh!
But cover them up or Tim will want to play with them all night long.
I gotta get rid of that truck,
- My girlfriend told me trade it in. - Oh, so you have a girlfriend?
Well, not anymore. She traded me in.
- Ah, she was too good for me anyway. - What's that about?
You seem like a great guy... you're the granite guy!
You seem smart and talented. Any woman would be lucky to have you.
That's nice of you to say. This is my place, the red one on the right.
Barn red.
- Oh, that is so cool! - Thanks.
- And thanks for the lift. - Oh, it's my pleasure.
You know, when I got to your place this morning
and, you know, we saw each other again,
I... I was afraid it was going to be just awfully uncomfortable all day long.
- But it wasn't, not at all. - No, it really wasn't.
You know, we had a nice talk and a nice lunch and...
What are you doing? What are you doing?
What I thought you wanted me to do.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I just wanted to give you a ride home, that was it.
Oh, I am sorry. I couldn't have misread everything.
Oh, yes, you did. You did.
- What about the signals you're sending? - What signals?
You didn't want to tell your husband about me asking you out.
You jumped at the chance to take me home.
- I did... - You checked out my butt.
- I did not! - You did so.
I did not!
How could you tell if someone's checking out your butt
if it's, you know, right in your face.
Well, because I saw your reflection in the window
because I was checking you out.
Well, you had no business
checking out a reflection in a married woman's window.
I know. Look, I'm sorry, I feel like a idiot.
Tomorrow everything's going to be strictly business.
Uh, uh. No. I don't think there should be a tomorrow.
What do you mean?
I'm not going to feel comfortable having you finish this.
[sighs] Who's going to install the rest?
Well, I do happen to be married to Tim "The Toolman" Taylor.
Well, good luck.
Hi! Why is Ian's truck still out there? You said he was gone. Where is he?
Ian's truck broke down and I gave him a ride home.
Look at this, these beveled edges, you can't even see a seam.
This guy's work is great! Imagine what this'll look like tomorrow.
Pretty much the same.
- Why do you say something like that? - I fired Ian.
For a minute there I thought you said you fired my granite guy.
I did. When I gave him a lift home, he came on to me.
You fired the granite guy?
Did you hear what I said? He came on to me.
- Did he say you have a nice outfit? - He kissed me.
[silent mouthing]
- [stammers] What did you do? - I pushed him away.
- Well, you should've fired him! - I did fire him!
You fired the granite guy!
He's here one day and hitting on my wife. What is that about?
I should have told you the whole story the minute Ian walked in the door!
The whole story?
You and Ian have... have a story?
Well, you remember when I told you
that a guy at the Y asked me out on a date?
Ian's the guy that didn't know you're married?
- Yeah. - Well, why didn't you tell me this?
I thought you'd get jealous and it would make you crazy.
What did it make you, Jill?
Now, come on, you're getting paranoid.
Am I?
I had no idea that this was gonna turn out this way.
All I wanted was for you not to fire another guy
and for us to get our kitchen finished.
Did you?
Maybe you secretly have the hots for the granite man.
I don't have the hots for any man!
Hmm.
Look, you know what I mean, well...
You... You probably have plenty of secrets from me!
No, I don't. You talk about trust in marriage.
You do something like this and you break it.
I feel terrible, I am really sorry.
Are you?
Or maybe inside you're jumping for joy? Huh? Huh?
Maybe you and Ian are just spinning a web of twisted little lies.
And I am just your prawn.
Tim... a prawn is a big shrimp.
Right. You can't play chess with a crustacean.
What I am asking you is,
how honest is a person supposed to be in relationship?
[Wilson] I always believed in being totally honest.
- You have? - I haven't had a decent relationship
in over 20 years.
[sighs] So, maybe it's not such a good idea to be totally honest.
Well, it depends on the relationship.
What made you think you couldn't be honest?
Well, I told myself it was because I thought he would get jealous.
- There might be more to it than that. - Ah.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
You know, I am reminded of the English writer Aleister Crowley
who said that "falsehood is invariably the child of fear."
What am I afraid of?
I don't know.
Maybe if Tim knew that I was attracted to Ian...
- He would love you less? - Well, yeah.
I mean, what kind of a person does that make me?
A human person.
Well, I was extremely human today.
I even snuck a peek at this guy's butt.
Well, Jill, that's no big deal.
If I had a nickel for every married woman at the library
who checked out my butt, I could pay everybody's overdue fines.
Well, I wish that I could,
you know, go ahead and be honest with him
and tell him I was attracted to Ian.
Maybe you should.
You know, when it comes to the really big stuff,
- Tim doesn't keep any secrets from me. - Or me!
Tim?
I know, you're still mad at me.
You see the shine on this stone?
Your stud-muffin must have spent three hours polishing this thing.
Tim, I'm really sorry.
I should have been up front with you.
Yes, you should have.
I want us to have a trusting marriage.
I'm going to be more honest with you about everything.
- You are? - Yeah.
- About Ian... - About Ian,
are you really attracted to that guy?
Initially or today?
Any time since the dawn of civilization.
Yes.
How attracted were you?
Not enough to even consider putting our marriage in jeopardy.
But you were still attracted to him.
Yes, I was.
You've been attracted to other people?
Yeah, but no one with his type of skills.
Come on, Tim.
Isn't there somebody we know you've been attracted to?
- No. - Come on, Tim.
- Maybe. Patty. - Who? Patty!
- She's kinda hot. - You think Patty is hot?
Warm.
I shouldn't have told you. Why did I?
No you should have... 'cause these feelings are perfectly natural.
All that matters is that we are committed to each other.
- Can I ask you something? - What?
- Now go with me on this. - OK, OK.
- Let's say you weren't married. - Yeah.
Who would you pick, me or slab boy?
Did you drop some polish on the floor there?
I'd pick you.
Would you?
[knocking on door]
[grunting]
[muttering]
[grunting]
[short grunt]
[grunts]
[grunting laughter]
- [crash] - [groan]
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