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00:00:02,336 --> 00:00:03,546
HEIDI: Does everybody
know what time it is?
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00:00:03,570 --> 00:00:05,704
ALL: Tool Time!
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00:00:05,772 --> 00:00:08,318
That's right! Binford
Tools is proud to present
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00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:11,643
Tim "The Birthday Boy" Taylor!
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00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:13,078
(ALL CHEERING)
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00:00:13,147 --> 00:00:14,480
(WHISTLING)
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00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:23,367
Thank you, everybody!
Happy birthday.
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00:00:23,391 --> 00:00:25,435
Thank you, Heidi.
Welcome to Tool Time.
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00:00:25,459 --> 00:00:30,029
I am, and I intend always to
be, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
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00:00:30,097 --> 00:00:31,241
Of course you know my assistant,
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00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:33,043
the poster boy for
Plaid magazine,
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00:00:33,067 --> 00:00:34,733
Alfred E. Borland.
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Thank you.
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00:00:37,804 --> 00:00:39,538
Happy birthday, Tim. Thanks, Al.
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00:00:39,606 --> 00:00:43,075
Congratulations on surviving another
year without electrocuting yourself.
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00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:47,146
Hey, show's not over yet.
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00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:49,359
Well, folks, it's my birthday
today. Thanks for showing up.
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00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:50,560
And I gotta be honest with you.
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00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:52,229
I don't like birthdays.
You know why?
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00:00:52,253 --> 00:00:53,919
AUDIENCE: Why?
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00:00:53,987 --> 00:00:56,888
Well, because every
year a well-intended person
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00:00:56,957 --> 00:00:58,535
plans my birthday for me.
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00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,871
This year I'm doing
just what I want to do.
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00:01:00,895 --> 00:01:04,129
Me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
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00:01:04,197 --> 00:01:06,598
I'm going to a NASCAR
race. Got VIP seats.
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00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:08,178
Yeah. And after the
race I'm coming home.
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00:01:08,202 --> 00:01:10,379
I've got it taped. I'm
gonna watch it again,
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00:01:10,403 --> 00:01:13,805
this time in my recliner sitting there in
my house enjoying the three R's, baby!
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00:01:13,874 --> 00:01:15,852
And the three R's would
be? You know 'em, huh?
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00:01:15,876 --> 00:01:18,310
Remote, ribs and Rolaids.
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00:01:18,379 --> 00:01:21,313
Well, in honor of Tim's
birthday, we asked our viewers
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00:01:21,381 --> 00:01:24,616
to give us their version
of a "Man's Cake."
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00:01:24,684 --> 00:01:27,552
Well, here's a mag wheel
cake from Jim in Ypsilanti.
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00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:29,755
Jim, good job with the
mag wheel. I like it already.
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It's a butter cream
filling with a chiffon base.
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00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:39,164
Why didn't you guys just
send me a chiffon dress?
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00:01:39,232 --> 00:01:41,266
What happened to
devil's-food cake?
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It's easy to make. And that's what
we're gonna show you how to do today.
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00:01:43,970 --> 00:01:47,339
You got a bowl. Very simple.
You put in the cake mix.
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00:01:47,408 --> 00:01:50,976
Pronto, just like that.
A little cholesterol.
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00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:54,913
Eggs. You got your butter.
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And a soupcon
of oil for your fats.
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00:01:57,985 --> 00:01:59,396
A little bit more for easy exit.
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00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:00,752
There you go.
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00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,923
You mix it up. You put it in
one of those little cake pans.
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00:02:04,991 --> 00:02:06,503
You put a little of that
shortening in there.
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00:02:06,527 --> 00:02:08,493
You put it in the oven.
Ba-da-boom, ba-da-bing!
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00:02:08,562 --> 00:02:10,628
350. Next thing you know...
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00:02:12,032 --> 00:02:13,465
(OVEN BELL RINGS)
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00:02:14,935 --> 00:02:19,037
You have a cake that
is shaped like a brick.
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00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:23,875
And that baby is dead level.
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00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:26,545
Looks good enough to
eat, Al. As a matter of fact,
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00:02:26,613 --> 00:02:29,982
I think I'm gonna enjoy a little
slice of this bad boy right now.
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00:02:30,050 --> 00:02:31,628
Well, Tim, actually,
before you do that,
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00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:34,030
I want to show you
my surprise cake.
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00:02:34,054 --> 00:02:35,732
Well, Al, I want to
sit down... It took...
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00:02:35,756 --> 00:02:38,101
and take a look at these gifts
I've got here. Look at that cake.
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00:02:38,125 --> 00:02:41,525
Well, actually, I have
a surprise cake for...
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-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.com ] ==-
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Surprise!
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Oh, yeah.
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00:03:55,169 --> 00:03:56,668
Oh.
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00:03:56,736 --> 00:03:57,869
Yeah!
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Oh, sweet mystery of life.
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00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:07,579
I told you not to do that
Tool Time salute to nerve gas.
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00:04:07,647 --> 00:04:09,759
If I'd found this chair
before I found your mother,
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00:04:09,783 --> 00:04:12,250
you wouldn't be around
to make that joke.
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00:04:12,319 --> 00:04:13,485
Whoa.
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00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:17,755
Hi, guys. What are you doing?
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00:04:17,824 --> 00:04:21,326
Just practicing for my day
by myself for my birthday.
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00:04:21,395 --> 00:04:22,939
The guys gave me this at work.
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00:04:22,963 --> 00:04:24,441
It's got little slots
for my drinks
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and my selection of
fine aerosol cheeses.
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00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:31,381
Well, if you think that's great,
wait till you see what I got you.
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00:04:31,405 --> 00:04:33,305
Yeah?
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00:04:33,373 --> 00:04:36,286
Oh, I was gonna give it to you at
dinner tonight, but I'm too excited.
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00:04:36,310 --> 00:04:40,278
Does it have anything to do with
NASCAR racing or chewable antacids?
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00:04:40,347 --> 00:04:42,347
(LAUGHING) Not even close.
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00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:48,999
A little boat for the bathtub?
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00:04:49,023 --> 00:04:51,423
No. Look under it. Under it.
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00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:52,836
No, in the box! In the box.
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00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:54,904
Oh, look. Airline tickets.
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00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:57,028
Yeah.
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00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:58,441
You planned something
for my birthday?
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00:04:58,465 --> 00:05:01,433
Yes, I've been
planning it for months.
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00:05:01,501 --> 00:05:03,546
I told you not to plan
anything for my birthday.
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00:05:03,570 --> 00:05:04,936
You say that every year.
88
00:05:05,004 --> 00:05:06,938
Yes, I do.
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00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:09,574
We're going to
Kernville, California.
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00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:10,976
Kernville?
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00:05:14,347 --> 00:05:15,847
Three days of roughing it.
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00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:19,317
River-rafting by day, camping
at night. Is that fantastic?
93
00:05:19,385 --> 00:05:21,352
That's fantastic. Yeah.
94
00:05:21,421 --> 00:05:24,133
But, you know, I don't want
to take the boys out of school.
95
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:25,824
The boys aren't going.
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00:05:25,893 --> 00:05:28,794
I want to spend some time with
Lauren before she goes to Costa Rica.
97
00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:30,606
What about Brad and Mark?
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00:05:30,630 --> 00:05:34,532
Well, they're too embarrassed to
be seen in public with their parents.
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00:05:34,601 --> 00:05:36,935
Brad has a soccer game.
Mark's band's playing at a dance.
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00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:38,803
Your mom's gonna
look in on them for us.
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00:05:38,872 --> 00:05:42,107
Great! All right!
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00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:43,641
Kernville.
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00:05:45,445 --> 00:05:47,078
For river-rafting,
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00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:49,358
you're gonna need four,
and the kids can't go.
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00:05:49,382 --> 00:05:51,449
I'm way ahead of you. Get this.
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Wilson, Al and Heidi are going!
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Al's going? Yes!
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Happy birthday, honey.
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Listen, I'm gonna
go start packing.
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00:06:01,828 --> 00:06:03,506
I already got the
sleeping bags dry-cleaned.
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00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:05,430
All right!
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00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:08,733
We're going to Kernville!
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Hi, we're the Taylors.
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00:06:20,914 --> 00:06:22,214
I'm Cub.
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00:06:22,282 --> 00:06:23,693
Welcome to Rafting Adventures,
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00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:25,550
where rafting is an adventure.
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00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:30,455
Did you think that up
all by yourself, Cub?
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00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:34,158
No, no. That was
some college dude.
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00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:35,938
I'll get you started
on your paperwork
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00:06:35,962 --> 00:06:37,974
while Jane over there gets
you fitted for life jackets.
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00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:39,274
Oh, great. Great. Okay?
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I'll be right over
there, honey. Okay.
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Can't wait, huh? JILL: Yeah.
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Oh, boy! Hey, is
there any chance that
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the weather will turn bad
and close the river down?
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00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:48,083
Oh, I take it you're
not into rafting.
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00:06:48,107 --> 00:06:49,552
Well, no, rafting's
great, you know?
128
00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:52,911
But it's my birthday, you know?
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00:06:52,979 --> 00:06:56,715
And I had VIP seats to see a
NASCAR race, first class all the way.
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00:06:56,783 --> 00:06:58,160
Oh, if you're
looking for first class,
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you came to the right place
because we offer deluxe packages
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00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:02,554
with the finest accommodations.
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00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:04,055
Really?
134
00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:07,492
Yeah!
135
00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:10,495
Well, what package
did my wife order?
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00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:13,598
The "Back to Basics." Sky
above you, dirt below you.
137
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:17,134
And watch out for leaves
of three when you're wiping.
138
00:07:17,203 --> 00:07:20,182
Well, that paints a
pretty picture, doesn't it?
139
00:07:20,206 --> 00:07:24,041
Is there any way I can upgrade
us to this imperial package?
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00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:26,278
Well, sure. Sure. Well, great.
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00:07:26,346 --> 00:07:28,057
Let's just keep it
between us. Oh, okay.
142
00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:29,981
And this ought to cover it.
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00:07:30,049 --> 00:07:33,785
While you're at it, why don't
you buy yourself a real name?
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00:07:33,853 --> 00:07:35,787
Hey, Tim! We're almost unpacked.
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00:07:35,855 --> 00:07:37,833
Great. I can't wait
to get on that river.
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00:07:37,857 --> 00:07:39,290
It's gonna be total gnar.
147
00:07:39,359 --> 00:07:40,670
That means big bad whitewater.
148
00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:41,993
Oh, yeah.
149
00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:44,107
Sounds like you've been up
and down the river a few times.
150
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,931
That was before I was married.
151
00:07:48,701 --> 00:07:52,570
All right! We're
ready to raft, huh?
152
00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:55,118
Al, Lewis and Clark
didn't carry this much stuff.
153
00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:59,544
Yeah, well, they didn't
spend 18 years in Boy Scouts.
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00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:01,023
Boy, you really
prepared for this trip!
155
00:08:01,047 --> 00:08:02,458
You got some great
equipment there.
156
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:05,383
Well, when I go camping,
I go Binford, huh?
157
00:08:05,451 --> 00:08:08,653
I first heard the call of the
wild when I was eight years old.
158
00:08:08,722 --> 00:08:12,556
That was your mom, wasn't
it? "Al, the macaroni's ready!"
159
00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:16,995
Well, hidey ho, river rats.
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00:08:17,063 --> 00:08:19,030
Cool helmet.
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00:08:19,099 --> 00:08:20,976
Yes, this is the kayaking
helmet I wore on my last river trip.
162
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,567
I kayaked in Chile.
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00:08:22,636 --> 00:08:26,037
I've swam in chili myself.
Look, can we get going?
164
00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:28,484
Not before you get your life
jackets and sign this waiver, please.
165
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:29,807
Great.
166
00:08:29,876 --> 00:08:32,088
CUB: If you could
just come over here.
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00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:35,024
"I understand that river-rafting
involves risks which include injury..."
168
00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:36,681
Great.
169
00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:41,753
"fatality due to capsizing,
collision, drowning or hypothermia."
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00:08:41,821 --> 00:08:44,589
♪ Happy birthday to me ♪
171
00:08:50,597 --> 00:08:53,465
Al, you knew I wanted
to plan my own birthday.
172
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:55,111
Why did you agree to do this?
173
00:08:55,135 --> 00:08:57,402
Well, it sounded
like fun, you know?
174
00:08:57,471 --> 00:09:02,140
Besides, I wanted to try out
my new Binford Trout Buddy.
175
00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:04,020
You call yourself a friend?
176
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:07,712
I would never spend
your birthday with you.
177
00:09:07,781 --> 00:09:10,481
You know, just
relax. Enjoy yourself.
178
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,595
I wanted to watch a NASCAR race.
179
00:09:12,619 --> 00:09:14,152
We got a safety
lecture coming up.
180
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:15,720
Safety lecture.
181
00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:17,989
I know. Real men don't
need safety lectures.
182
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:19,590
Yeah? Who's the real man?
183
00:09:19,659 --> 00:09:21,899
That would be me. Tim Taylor.
184
00:09:22,128 --> 00:09:23,360
Who are you?
185
00:09:23,429 --> 00:09:25,563
You know, that's
a good question.
186
00:09:25,632 --> 00:09:27,242
Ever since the war, I've
been trying to figure that out.
187
00:09:27,266 --> 00:09:30,334
But with the flashbacks
and the thumping in my brain,
188
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:31,803
it's been tough.
189
00:09:31,872 --> 00:09:34,205
I was just looking for a name.
190
00:09:34,273 --> 00:09:36,540
I'm Kyle, your guide.
191
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:41,880
You hit a rock.
192
00:09:41,948 --> 00:09:43,226
Half the boat wants
to go to the right.
193
00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:45,127
The other half
wants to go to the left.
194
00:09:45,151 --> 00:09:46,595
Now you've got to make a
decision. What do you do?
195
00:09:46,619 --> 00:09:47,786
Taylor!
196
00:09:47,854 --> 00:09:49,688
Kicking some Martian butt! Ha!
197
00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:51,188
JILL: Tim!
198
00:09:51,257 --> 00:09:52,902
Does anybody know what
to do if your boat hits a rock?
199
00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:55,259
I do! You get to the
high side of the raft.
200
00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:57,006
Excellent! Everybody ready?
201
00:09:57,030 --> 00:09:58,374
Yeah. Let's go!
202
00:09:58,398 --> 00:09:59,730
Yeah!
203
00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:04,002
Little green blob,
who's your daddy now?
204
00:10:04,070 --> 00:10:06,604
(ALL CLAMORING)
205
00:10:11,377 --> 00:10:13,156
TIM: Are you all
right? Yeah, I think so.
206
00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:15,524
It's just, you know, this thing
that flared up this summer.
207
00:10:15,548 --> 00:10:16,892
Yeah. It'll be okay.
208
00:10:16,916 --> 00:10:17,815
Easy. Easy, easy,
easy. You all right?
209
00:10:17,884 --> 00:10:19,350
Oh, no.
210
00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:21,164
WILSON: Oh, now, Jill, it doesn't
sound like you're all right to me.
211
00:10:21,188 --> 00:10:22,965
Jill, there's no way I
can let you on this river.
212
00:10:22,989 --> 00:10:24,199
Jill, I'll stay here with you.
213
00:10:24,223 --> 00:10:26,123
No. No, I don't want
to wreck Tim's birthday.
214
00:10:26,192 --> 00:10:28,037
No. You don't want to do that.
215
00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:30,506
Kyle, is there any way that
she can stay off the river
216
00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:31,774
but still go camping with us?
217
00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:34,099
Al? Sure.
218
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:35,678
You can stay with my wife.
219
00:10:35,702 --> 00:10:37,113
You gals can spend
the day together
220
00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:39,003
and she can drive back
to the camp at night.
221
00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:40,350
Are you sure she
doesn't mind that?
222
00:10:40,374 --> 00:10:41,939
Oh, no. She's got a light day.
223
00:10:42,008 --> 00:10:46,144
All she has to do is cobble my
shoes and make soup out of bark.
224
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:51,160
All right, Mark. Get up. You've
been shaking for a half-hour.
225
00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:53,617
I still have two more minutes.
226
00:10:53,686 --> 00:10:56,187
Yeah? Well, not according
to my watch. Please get up.
227
00:10:56,256 --> 00:10:57,521
(SODA SPILLS)
228
00:10:57,590 --> 00:10:58,923
Smooth.
229
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:00,992
You just spilled grape
soda all over the couch.
230
00:11:01,060 --> 00:11:03,206
Yeah? Well, it's your fault for not
moving. Now go get some towels.
231
00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:04,307
You're the one that pushed me.
232
00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:05,571
Shut up.
233
00:11:21,314 --> 00:11:23,225
Gosh, you guys! It's
so beautiful out here.
234
00:11:23,249 --> 00:11:25,060
The blue sky, the trees...
235
00:11:25,084 --> 00:11:27,151
Not to mention these leeches.
236
00:11:27,219 --> 00:11:29,265
KYLE: There are no
leeches on this river.
237
00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:32,823
Well, just in case, I brought
some Leech Be Gone.
238
00:11:32,892 --> 00:11:34,425
Never use that!
239
00:11:35,161 --> 00:11:37,127
Ruins the taste.
240
00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:39,174
So, Kyle, we know
that you like parasites.
241
00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:41,366
How long have you been
a guide on the river here?
242
00:11:41,434 --> 00:11:44,736
Ever since my army
buddy got me the gig.
243
00:11:44,804 --> 00:11:46,070
Then he passed away.
244
00:11:46,138 --> 00:11:47,472
Sorry to hear that.
245
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:48,951
They say it was natural causes,
246
00:11:48,975 --> 00:11:52,409
but I say the
government killed him.
247
00:11:52,478 --> 00:11:55,346
Kyle, what do you say we
get you into the shade, huh?
248
00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:56,655
Hey, rapid ahead.
249
00:11:56,683 --> 00:11:58,182
KYLE: Taylor, start paddling.
250
00:11:58,251 --> 00:11:59,684
TIM: Hey, paddle this!
251
00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:03,688
KYLE: Here we go.
252
00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:08,892
ALL: Come on!
253
00:12:11,931 --> 00:12:13,164
(WHOOPS)
254
00:12:14,601 --> 00:12:16,033
That was incredible!
255
00:12:16,102 --> 00:12:17,635
Totally awesome!
256
00:12:17,703 --> 00:12:20,571
No, no, no. What would be
awesome is watching Dale Earnhardt
257
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:24,275
fly around a tri-oval at about
200 miles an hour, okay?
258
00:12:24,343 --> 00:12:25,977
Tim, can't you
just enjoy yourself?
259
00:12:26,046 --> 00:12:27,289
Yeah, well, that was
just a Class 2 rapid.
260
00:12:27,313 --> 00:12:29,125
Down river we got
some 3's and 4's
261
00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:30,860
that'll fill up those drawers.
262
00:12:30,884 --> 00:12:32,650
Promises, promises.
263
00:12:32,719 --> 00:12:35,586
You know, birthday boy,
you look a little familiar.
264
00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:38,589
Well, I have a very
popular television show.
265
00:12:38,658 --> 00:12:40,758
I don't own a TV.
266
00:12:40,827 --> 00:12:42,505
The government uses the airwaves
267
00:12:42,529 --> 00:12:46,331
to send subliminal messages
to destroy our minds.
268
00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:49,733
And you certainly wouldn't want
anyone messing with that noggin.
269
00:12:49,802 --> 00:12:52,303
Yeah. Well, this noggin,
270
00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:56,073
it's the only thing standing between
you and an ugly watery death.
271
00:12:56,142 --> 00:13:00,378
Fluid fills your lungs, your throat
closes up, your brain shuts down.
272
00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:01,879
(EVIL SNIGGER)
273
00:13:03,649 --> 00:13:05,917
♪ Happy birthday to Timmy
274
00:13:05,985 --> 00:13:07,919
♪ Happy birthday to me ♪
275
00:13:17,263 --> 00:13:20,431
Bark's tender. Would
you like some soup?
276
00:13:20,499 --> 00:13:22,477
No. I think I'll just wait
till the others get back.
277
00:13:22,501 --> 00:13:26,003
Besides, isn't the rafting company
supposed to bring us our dinner?
278
00:13:26,072 --> 00:13:28,205
Yeah. But you don't
want to eat that poison.
279
00:13:28,274 --> 00:13:29,351
I don't?
280
00:13:29,375 --> 00:13:32,509
You know what USDA stands for?
281
00:13:32,578 --> 00:13:35,446
"US Deceives Americans."
282
00:13:36,249 --> 00:13:37,448
TIM: Hi, honey.
283
00:13:37,516 --> 00:13:39,684
Hey! Hey! How was it?
284
00:13:39,752 --> 00:13:42,653
Oh, it was great. A couple
of birthday bug bites,
285
00:13:42,722 --> 00:13:44,066
some birthday river
up my birthday butt,
286
00:13:44,090 --> 00:13:45,789
couldn't be birthday better.
287
00:13:45,858 --> 00:13:47,536
You didn't have a good time?
288
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:49,905
Yeah, yeah. Yes, I did. Yeah,
of course it was a great time.
289
00:13:49,929 --> 00:13:51,329
I'm just a little
hungry, I guess.
290
00:13:51,398 --> 00:13:53,175
I've got just the thing for you.
291
00:13:53,199 --> 00:13:55,934
A hot, steaming
bowl full of wood.
292
00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:58,836
Try it. The bark's
got a little bite to it.
293
00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:04,241
♪ Michael, row the boat ashore
294
00:14:04,310 --> 00:14:08,179
♪ Hallelujah
295
00:14:08,247 --> 00:14:11,849
♪ Then the Feds,
they tax him more
296
00:14:11,918 --> 00:14:17,021
♪ They'll always screw you! ♪
297
00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:23,428
Oh, my God! What is that?
298
00:14:25,998 --> 00:14:27,665
Relax. Relax.
299
00:14:27,734 --> 00:14:31,969
Last time they landed,
they were very nice to me.
300
00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:34,839
Sounds like some kind of a bus.
301
00:14:36,575 --> 00:14:40,278
Could be the rafting
company's luxury motor coach.
302
00:14:40,346 --> 00:14:42,613
Maybe it's the Oak Ridge Boys!
303
00:14:46,318 --> 00:14:50,755
JILL: What kind of a boob would
order a luxury bus on a camping trip?
304
00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:53,024
Come on. Come
on. Look at this thing.
305
00:14:53,092 --> 00:14:56,627
Detroit diesel-powered,
convection oven, sleeps six...
306
00:14:56,696 --> 00:14:59,196
A luxury bus on a camping trip?
307
00:14:59,265 --> 00:15:02,232
Oh, but you hurt your back. I
wanted you to be more comfortable.
308
00:15:02,301 --> 00:15:05,313
No, no, no, no. There
was no phone on that raft.
309
00:15:05,337 --> 00:15:07,082
You did this before I was hurt.
310
00:15:07,106 --> 00:15:09,239
Okay, okay. I wanted me
to be more comfortable.
311
00:15:09,308 --> 00:15:11,620
I can't believe you did
this without telling me.
312
00:15:11,644 --> 00:15:13,689
You planned this whole
birthday without telling me.
313
00:15:13,713 --> 00:15:15,223
Well, duh! It was a surprise.
314
00:15:15,247 --> 00:15:18,060
Well, a surprise is supposed to
be something the other person likes.
315
00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:21,129
On my birthday, you just decide to
do things and then drag me along.
316
00:15:21,153 --> 00:15:23,365
I try to think of
things that you like.
317
00:15:23,389 --> 00:15:25,534
Oh, yeah. Like last year? On
the way to the bed and breakfast,
318
00:15:25,558 --> 00:15:27,692
you stop off at
a tulip festival?
319
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:28,926
That was fun.
320
00:15:28,995 --> 00:15:32,029
You made me do the clog dance!
321
00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:35,566
Look, if you didn't want to go
rafting, why didn't you just tell me?
322
00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:37,802
Oh, that would've
gone over real well.
323
00:15:37,870 --> 00:15:40,437
"Honey, I know you busted
your butt planning this whole thing,
324
00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:42,306
"but I want to go to a
NASCAR race by myself
325
00:15:42,341 --> 00:15:44,274
"and feast on aerosol cheese."
326
00:15:44,343 --> 00:15:46,589
Honey, it was your birthday. We
could've done what you wanted.
327
00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:48,980
It still is my birthday, and
I want to stay in this bus.
328
00:15:49,048 --> 00:15:50,960
I can't believe after
19 years of marriage,
329
00:15:50,984 --> 00:15:52,160
you still can't be
honest with me.
330
00:15:52,184 --> 00:15:53,562
I'm being honest
with you right now.
331
00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:55,620
Too late!
332
00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:02,159
(AL SNORING)
333
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:07,999
Does anybody
know what time it is?
334
00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:13,671
5:00. Oh, God, my back!
335
00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:16,619
WILSON: I haven't heard sounds
like that since I was in Nairobi
336
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:19,777
studying the breathing
patterns of warthogs.
337
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:23,014
Maybe if he had another pillow?
338
00:16:23,082 --> 00:16:24,248
KYLE: Done.
339
00:16:24,316 --> 00:16:25,316
(GASPS)
340
00:16:25,852 --> 00:16:27,084
Under him!
341
00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:28,819
(SNORING)
342
00:16:28,888 --> 00:16:31,355
Hot shower and
a little breakfast.
343
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:34,491
Ho!
344
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:37,194
Did I sleep well or what!
345
00:16:37,263 --> 00:16:40,598
I've got some hot cheese
blintzes in the oven, guys! Huh?
346
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:42,587
WILSON: Shut up! KYLE: Shut up.
347
00:16:44,103 --> 00:16:45,714
So did you have any
luck with that stain?
348
00:16:45,738 --> 00:16:46,937
You tell me.
349
00:16:49,375 --> 00:16:51,008
Mark, what'd you put on there?
350
00:16:51,077 --> 00:16:54,222
I thought I heard Mom say that
red wine takes out soda stains.
351
00:16:54,246 --> 00:16:58,516
No, you idiot. Soda
takes out red wine stains.
352
00:16:58,585 --> 00:17:00,295
This is bad, isn't it?
353
00:17:00,319 --> 00:17:03,087
Well, let's see. Mom and Dad
come home and the couch is stained
354
00:17:03,155 --> 00:17:05,823
and the whole place
smells of booze.
355
00:17:07,159 --> 00:17:09,137
We gotta get rid of the smell.
356
00:17:09,161 --> 00:17:10,995
You're right.
357
00:17:11,063 --> 00:17:13,130
Let's try some bleach.
358
00:17:19,205 --> 00:17:20,905
(AL WHOOPING)
359
00:17:22,174 --> 00:17:23,974
Would you guys stop
paddling a minute?
360
00:17:24,010 --> 00:17:26,444
My magazine's getting all wet.
361
00:17:26,513 --> 00:17:28,491
KYLE: You know, Taylor, you
ought to be ashamed of yourself.
362
00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:30,826
Your wife takes the time
to plan this great trip for you.
363
00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:34,251
And what do you do?
You piddle all over it.
364
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:38,523
TIM: Hey, look! It's my
party, I'll piddle if I want to.
365
00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:41,625
Maybe next year I'll let
Tim plan his own birthday.
366
00:17:41,694 --> 00:17:43,327
That would be wise.
367
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:47,331
We have to do whatever we
can to keep our marriages strong.
368
00:17:47,399 --> 00:17:48,911
You're very insightful, Luanne.
369
00:17:48,935 --> 00:17:50,568
Well, I have to be.
370
00:17:50,636 --> 00:17:53,282
Because the evil forces of
the world are out to get us.
371
00:17:53,306 --> 00:17:56,540
What evil forces?
372
00:17:56,609 --> 00:18:01,712
The dairy farmers and the
people who make aluminum foil.
373
00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:06,150
AL: I have to go
to the bathroom.
374
00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:07,818
WILSON: Again? Shut up!
375
00:18:07,887 --> 00:18:10,565
Old Al "The River Runs
Through Him" Borland.
376
00:18:10,589 --> 00:18:12,434
You know, at
least he's paddling.
377
00:18:12,458 --> 00:18:15,137
If everyone was a tube lizard
like you, we'd get maytagged.
378
00:18:15,161 --> 00:18:16,861
"Maytag"? "Tube lizard"?
379
00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:19,007
A couple of brochures, what
are you, Popeye all of a sudden?
380
00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:20,965
Oh, you'll have to forgive Tim.
381
00:18:21,033 --> 00:18:23,701
He can't help being
an insensitive lout!
382
00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:25,803
You're no picnic
either, Sinus Boy.
383
00:18:25,872 --> 00:18:28,083
Yeah, tell me about
it! I was up all night.
384
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,841
I never had this problem
with my kayaking buddies.
385
00:18:30,910 --> 00:18:33,444
Would you quit yakking
about your kayaking?
386
00:18:33,512 --> 00:18:35,891
Well, it's better than
listening to your boring stories
387
00:18:35,915 --> 00:18:37,592
of how you and your
mom went to Anchorage
388
00:18:37,616 --> 00:18:39,094
and caught fish with your hands.
389
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,629
TIM: Lucky she wasn't harpooned.
390
00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:41,953
Shut up!
391
00:18:42,021 --> 00:18:43,053
Shut up!
392
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:44,122
You shut up!
393
00:18:44,190 --> 00:18:45,389
No, you shut up!
394
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:46,735
HEIDI: Shut up,
Tim! AL: Shut up!
395
00:18:46,759 --> 00:18:48,926
I can't take it anymore!
396
00:18:48,995 --> 00:18:51,628
So much noise I can't
hear the voices in my head.
397
00:18:51,697 --> 00:18:53,541
Oh, our guide has
voices in his head.
398
00:18:53,565 --> 00:18:55,645
How about this one? Incoming!
399
00:18:56,535 --> 00:18:57,735
Over!
400
00:19:02,575 --> 00:19:05,454
AL: Oh, great, Tim. Now
we don't even have a guide.
401
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:07,110
This is all your fault!
402
00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:08,779
This isn't my fault.
403
00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:10,459
I didn't want to go to
this thing in the first place.
404
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:12,963
Friends, friends, friends, in
the words of Benjamin Franklin,
405
00:19:13,019 --> 00:19:16,287
"We must all hang together or
else we shall hang separately."
406
00:19:16,356 --> 00:19:19,534
HEIDI: And we'd better hang
together fast. Look up ahead.
407
00:19:19,558 --> 00:19:20,858
ALL: Oh, no!
408
00:19:22,695 --> 00:19:24,929
Come on, let's go!
409
00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:26,864
(ALL CLAMORING)
410
00:19:30,737 --> 00:19:33,971
Come on, come on,
come on, don't stop now!
411
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:36,340
Go, go, go, go, go!
412
00:19:39,478 --> 00:19:42,112
Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull!
413
00:19:44,817 --> 00:19:46,950
We did it!
414
00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:49,297
You know, this has turned out to
be a pretty decent birthday after all.
415
00:19:49,321 --> 00:19:50,854
AL: Yeah.
416
00:19:52,158 --> 00:19:53,535
This is a good thing, you know,
417
00:19:53,559 --> 00:19:56,694
because it just might turn
out to be my last! Look at that!
418
00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:04,602
Okay, guys. Paddles
ready. We can do this.
419
00:20:04,670 --> 00:20:06,604
Oh, Mother, I love you!
420
00:20:06,673 --> 00:20:08,773
(ALL CLAMORING)
421
00:20:28,494 --> 00:20:29,660
AL: Oh, no!
422
00:20:31,563 --> 00:20:33,130
HEIDI: Come on, break it!
423
00:20:33,199 --> 00:20:34,631
(WHOOPING)
424
00:20:35,268 --> 00:20:36,500
HEIDI: Paddle.
425
00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:37,701
Yeah!
426
00:20:40,406 --> 00:20:42,017
How could you abandon them?
427
00:20:42,041 --> 00:20:45,108
I'm not proud of what I
did, but a man's gotta do
428
00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:47,244
what a man's gotta do.
429
00:20:47,313 --> 00:20:49,313
We're back! Hey,
honey! I'm back!
430
00:20:49,381 --> 00:20:50,614
Thank God you made it!
431
00:20:50,683 --> 00:20:52,316
TIM: Hey, hey, hey.
432
00:20:52,384 --> 00:20:54,262
We have Kyle to thank for this.
433
00:20:54,286 --> 00:20:56,832
If he hadn't jumped ship, we never
would've known we had it in us.
434
00:20:56,856 --> 00:20:59,557
No, no, no. I think we
have Jill to thank for this.
435
00:20:59,625 --> 00:21:00,803
HEIDI: Oh, yeah. For
making this one of the best
436
00:21:00,827 --> 00:21:02,760
birthdays I ever had!
437
00:21:02,829 --> 00:21:04,829
Really? Mmm-hmm.
438
00:21:04,897 --> 00:21:07,342
Having such a good time, I've
decided we should stay another day.
439
00:21:07,366 --> 00:21:09,233
Fine with me.
440
00:21:09,302 --> 00:21:12,348
Jill and I can spend tomorrow
looking for holy visions in the algae!
441
00:21:12,372 --> 00:21:15,138
Wow! How much fun that would be!
442
00:21:15,207 --> 00:21:18,242
But you know what? My
back is really better. It's better.
443
00:21:18,310 --> 00:21:20,611
I think I should
join you tomorrow.
444
00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:22,213
All right!
445
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:23,414
(BONES CREAKING)
446
00:21:23,483 --> 00:21:25,082
(JILL GROANS)
447
00:21:27,753 --> 00:21:30,687
Hey, guys! We're home!
448
00:21:32,325 --> 00:21:33,424
Guys?
449
00:21:36,095 --> 00:21:38,895
Sorry that your back
is still hurting you!
450
00:21:39,765 --> 00:21:41,999
Boys?
451
00:21:42,067 --> 00:21:45,107
Doesn't sound like they're
home. The place looks nice.
452
00:21:45,138 --> 00:21:47,458
Yeah. I told you
we could trust them.
453
00:21:56,281 --> 00:21:58,582
Didn't we used to have a couch?
454
00:21:59,585 --> 00:22:01,785
You didn't pack that, did you?
454
00:22:02,305 --> 00:23:02,703
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