Haven't you found it yet?
Uh, not yet, uncle.
But tell me, why am I researching
Celtic pig goddesses?
Do not waste time asking questions.
Read.
One more thing. Jade is...
Bored!
Uncle Jackie,
when are you going to score us a mission?
Jade, I am not a secret agent.
I am a researcher.
But do not worry.
When I come home,
we will make a big bowl of popcorn,
and you can help me proofread my notes.
(Dial tone)
Hello?
(Exasperated sigh)
Doing homework all day?
Somebody around here
must believe in life after breakfast.
Gentlemen, we have an emergency.
Black: Criminal mastermind Dr. ashby necrosis is back.
Dr. necrosis,
the kingpin of techno-crime?
The same.
Reports are that he has developed
a cutting-edge high-tech doomsday device.
The entire world is in jeopardy.
We've located what we believe to be the doctor's base,
the necropolis, inside this dormant volcano.
Someone must infiltrate the necropolis
and destroy the doomsday weapon.
I suggest Taggart mcstone.
Unfortunately, agent tag retired last year.
He left the spy game forever.
Never say forever.
Agent tag!
I'll require the standard infiltration package...
My briefcase and a fresh suit.
Italian, of course.
Of course.
Good luck, tag.
If I'm not back by 8:00,
cancel my reservation at Chez Louis.
(Vibrating)
Hmm. Running rough.
Cargo must have shifted.
Aah-aah-aah-aah aah-aah-aah aah...
(Grunt)
510...
511...
Captain black,
I cannot find Jade anywhere.
Uhh! Whoo!
Good. We have a major operation going down
and I can't risk her being underfoot.
Yah!
Jade is always underfoot.
If she is not under my feet and not under your feet,
whose feet is she under?
Oh, no.
Comm-one,
get me agent Taggart mcstone.
Yes, sir. Homebase to outfield.
Homebase to outfield.
Jade.
No can do, sir.
Agent tag is flying under radio silence.
Hmm. 34 down, 6 letters.
Celtic pig goddess.
(Beeping)
Computer: Approaching target.
Autopilot off.
Yaah!
Aah!
I spy with my little eye...
Something beginning with...
Secret base.
Uhh! Ooh! Uhh!
Uhh! Uhh!
Aw, come on.
How am I supposed to keep up with that?
Hmm.
Sledding in July.
Cowabunga!
Works better with snow.
Wha... ohh!
(Jade gasping)
Hyah!
Mission log:
Enemy unconscious.
Borrowing crudely tailored jumpsuit as a disguise.
Note: Orange is not my color.
(Gasp)
Whoops! A blast!
Hurry!
Jade may be in terrible danger!
I'm sure tag has everything under control.
You think so?
No.
Jackie, are you sure you want to do this?
I'm sure.
I think.
Yaaaahhh!
Who are you?
Why are you following me?
Uh...
Captain black sent me.
Hmm. A little girl with dark hair
who tags along and is an obvious liar.
I've heard of you.
You're Jade.
Section 13 has classified you
as the ultimate security risk.
You've jeopardized my mission!
Whoa.
And you need to calm down, captain blood pressure.
Mission log: Aborted.
I'll take you back to San Francisco at once.
Ohh...
Let go of her, you big bully!
Jade! I'll be back!
Jackie?
Yeeaaaahhh!
(Crash)
(Moaning)
Huh? Ohh...
Uh-oh.
Jackie! No!
Agent tag!
Wake up!
Huh? Tag?
Now who's going to defeat Dr. necrosis
and destroy his doomsday device?
Uncle Jackie?
Oh, no.
Destroying a doomsday device
sounds too dangerous.
Well, sure, if you say it like that.
I told you,
I am not a secret agent.
I am a researcher.
All you have to do is save the world.
No.
I'm taking all 3 of us
back to section 13 right away.
See? This is why we can't buy you nice things.
Whoopsie! Incoming!
Get 'em!
Bad day, bad day, bad day!
Agent tag, please, wake up.
Admit it.
This is better than doing homework all day.
No, it is not.
Now... uhh!
Uhh... ooh! Uhh!
(Grunting)
Uhh!
Ooh. Careful you don't hurt agent tag.
Him?! What about me?
Gohh...
Uncle Jackie!
This way!
Jade, no!
Daahh!
Get him!
Whoaaaaa!
(Coughing)
Automated voice: Intruder alert! Intruder alert!
We gotta find that doomsday device! Come on!
Ohh! Why do you refuse to wake up?
All right, then.
Stay here.
Try not to attract attention.
Perfect.
Jade?
Jade?!
Ohh!
(Footsteps)
Shh! Someone's coming.
Jackie?
Whaa...
Doomsday device.
You fools!
You need me!
I spent 20 years designing the laser Cannon.
Huh! Last year's technology.
Dr. necrosis has a new doomsday toy,
all packed up and ready for transport.
Transport?
Loading dock.
Hoyle.
I have deduced the identity of our intruder.
Taggart mcstone.
That wild card still in the game?
But I thought he folded last year.
There is no one else it could be.
He is the only human
capable of infiltrating my necropolis.
Oh, how I long to meet my Nemesis
face to face.
You won't ruin his face,
will you, hoyle?
No promises.
For years he has foiled all my techno-plans,
but this time we have the druid stone,
and even agent tag cannot defeat its ancient magic.
The world is ours.
We hold all the cards.
We have the upper hand.
We...
We could take it down a notch
on the card puns.
All that matters is the druid stone.
It is the heart of my new doomsday weapon.
Guard it well, hoyle.
As the doctor orders.
Whoa.
The doomsday weapon is ancient magic?
This is big.
Uhh!
Ohh-whoa!
Jade?!
Jackie?
Stay here!
Stay here?
Tch.
When will he learn?
All right, easy.
Easy!
That is a doomsday device?
But it is just a rock.
Daahh!
All hands on deck, agent tag.
Ohh! Yuuh!
I am not agent tag!
Don't try to bluff me.
It doesn't suit you.
(Grunting)
Gahh!
The druid stone is secure.
And inform the good doctor
that we have a bonus jackpot on board.
A certain joker
who claims he isn't àagent tag.
You are not what I expected,
agent tag.
Although your disguise as a buffoon
was most convincing.
But I am not agent tag.
I am Jackie chan,
a researcher.
Of course, if you were agent tag,
you would deny it emphatically.
No. I would claim to be agent tag,
assuming you would not believe me.
But I would anticipate your assumption
that I would not believe you.
I would foresee your anticipating my assumption
of your not believing me.
But how could you predict I wouldn't expect your foreseeing
my anticipation of your assuming my not believing?
Hah! Answer me that.
I do not even know what you just said!
Precisely what I expected you to say...
Agent tag.
Dr. necrosis, the druid stone has been installed.
Jackie: Ohh! It is a druid stone.
But a druid stone is ancient, weak magic.
It is hardly a doomsday weapon.
(Chuckles)
Ancient, yes.
But coupled with the world's largest radio telescope
and a global satellite system,
it is no longer weak.
Aah!
With this remote control,
I can target multiple beams to any square inch on earth.
Remote control, eh?
Time for a little channel surfing.
Aah...
Yaahhh!
Pick a card, any card.
Thank you.
Uch. Dealer calls a new game.
Huh?!
Crazy eights!
Uhh!
One of these has gotta shut this puppy off.
Putting litter in its place.
Ooh!
Jackie! The doctor's making a break for it!
Excuse me, doctor,
but it hurts when I go like this!
Blast you, agent tag.
I am not...
(groan)
Oh, never mind.
Mission log: Mission accomplished.
Not yet.
We still have to retrieve the druid stone.
And that's how I reached arecibo in time
to rescue the chans.
That's why you're our top agent, Taggart.
Rescue the chans?
We did all the hard stuff!
It's all right, Jade.
Let it go.
Now, if I can finish my crossword,
this day will truly be a success.
6 letters...
A Celtic pig goddess.
(Yawns)
Moccas.
M-o-c-c-a-s.
Mr. chan,
you're a genius.
Jade: Nope.
Just a researcher.
Hey, Jackie.
Yes.
Did you ever work with Bruce Lee?
Yes.
There's a scene.
I remember, there's a scene.
He... it was a 2 stick.
I comes in, he just... phoom!
He hit me one stick, then I fall down. He just... pahh!
He give me one stick right on here.
I was this big with all, uh,
bruise going on.
After cut, he turn around,
just... "ohh! I'm sorry, sorry. What's your name?"
"My name is Jackie." "I'm sorry."
I said, "ok, fine, fine." You know, stunt guy.
Suddenly the stunt coordinator,
"Jackie, you continue for 24 hours shooting."
I... I know it's Bruce Lee
put in the order... Special order...
"I... I... I want that guy."