1 00:00:04,270 --> 00:00:06,864 [Theme music] 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:14,074 Who are the real-world Illuminati ? Find out @ saveanilluminati.com 3 00:00:31,096 --> 00:00:33,189 [Boggle cubes rattling] 4 00:00:37,469 --> 00:00:39,096 PEGGY: How was beauty school, Luanne? 5 00:00:39,471 --> 00:00:41,996 How did the big shampooing final go? 6 00:00:42,107 --> 00:00:44,735 Well, I passed Lather, but I failed Rinse. 7 00:00:45,043 --> 00:00:48,604 And then I failed Repeat, too, because it includes Rinse... 8 00:00:48,914 --> 00:00:51,405 which I don't think is very fair. 9 00:00:52,217 --> 00:00:53,514 HANK: [Muttering] Damn. 10 00:00:54,319 --> 00:00:56,947 Hank, you forgot to flush. 11 00:00:57,222 --> 00:00:59,486 Didn't have to. Didn't do anything. 12 00:00:59,891 --> 00:01:00,880 Oh. 13 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:03,422 I see. 14 00:01:03,628 --> 00:01:05,391 How long has this been going on? 15 00:01:05,464 --> 00:01:07,864 There's nothing going on, Peg. 16 00:01:08,266 --> 00:01:11,429 - That's the problem. - How long have you had this problem? 17 00:01:11,503 --> 00:01:13,403 HANK: There is no problem! Please! 18 00:01:13,538 --> 00:01:16,439 This is not something we need to talk about. 19 00:01:16,508 --> 00:01:18,476 If you do have a problem, I could... 20 00:01:18,543 --> 00:01:20,602 Peggy, please! For God's sakes! 21 00:01:20,679 --> 00:01:22,306 I'm getting a bite. 22 00:01:22,381 --> 00:01:25,009 Is there any chicken-fried steak left? 23 00:01:39,431 --> 00:01:41,228 - Here. - What's this? 24 00:01:41,299 --> 00:01:43,824 It's Megamucil. I take 10 heaping teaspoons... 25 00:01:43,902 --> 00:01:46,132 and a glass of water daily to stay regular... 26 00:01:46,204 --> 00:01:47,637 I don't want to know that! 27 00:01:47,706 --> 00:01:50,869 Come on, honey. Look, it is gentle and all-natural. 28 00:01:50,942 --> 00:01:53,035 No! Stop! Please! 29 00:01:53,578 --> 00:01:56,809 This is my own private, personal, private business. 30 00:01:56,882 --> 00:01:59,544 At least drink the water. If you drink enough water... 31 00:01:59,618 --> 00:02:01,950 it'll flush out your system and keep it clean. 32 00:02:02,654 --> 00:02:04,622 I'm telling you, it's good for you. 33 00:02:04,756 --> 00:02:06,189 Hey, eggs and sausage. 34 00:02:06,258 --> 00:02:09,193 That looks good. Peggy, where's my breakfast? 35 00:02:12,130 --> 00:02:15,293 - What are these? - I baked muffins. 36 00:02:15,734 --> 00:02:18,225 So? Good for you. Where's my sausage? 37 00:02:18,303 --> 00:02:20,362 Well, we're out of sausage. 38 00:02:20,672 --> 00:02:23,266 Hey, try a muffin. They are oat bran. 39 00:02:24,042 --> 00:02:25,134 Sure. 40 00:02:28,513 --> 00:02:31,607 You should eat those, Dad. They help you make. 41 00:02:31,883 --> 00:02:33,214 Excuse me? 42 00:02:33,985 --> 00:02:35,452 What are you implying? 43 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:37,351 I thought you were consti... 44 00:02:37,422 --> 00:02:40,186 Where would you get such an idea? That's ridiculous! 45 00:02:40,258 --> 00:02:43,557 Anyway, that's not something you should ever know about your father. 46 00:02:43,728 --> 00:02:45,286 It's pretty obvious. 47 00:02:45,363 --> 00:02:47,729 You were in the bathroom for an hour last night. 48 00:02:47,799 --> 00:02:49,027 No, I wasn't! 49 00:02:49,134 --> 00:02:50,465 Okay, Dad. 50 00:02:51,136 --> 00:02:52,603 Give me that. 51 00:02:54,005 --> 00:02:55,666 [Dog whimpering] 52 00:02:56,108 --> 00:02:57,370 What is it, Ladybird? 53 00:02:58,577 --> 00:03:00,568 You want to go out? Again? 54 00:03:05,617 --> 00:03:06,641 [Sighs] 55 00:03:06,718 --> 00:03:07,980 Show off. 56 00:03:08,854 --> 00:03:11,288 Nancy, I'm worried about Hank. 57 00:03:11,389 --> 00:03:15,052 He hasn't "done his business" in four days. 58 00:03:15,961 --> 00:03:18,361 Good Lord! Poor Hank. 59 00:03:18,930 --> 00:03:20,693 He looks so healthy. 60 00:03:21,233 --> 00:03:23,428 But then, you know, so did Elvis Presley. 61 00:03:23,502 --> 00:03:26,266 Nancy, you don't think it's something serious? 62 00:03:26,338 --> 00:03:29,899 Well, I'm a meteorologist, not a doctor. 63 00:03:30,075 --> 00:03:32,771 But if I had to make an educated guess... 64 00:03:33,311 --> 00:03:35,176 I'd say he's got polio. 65 00:03:35,747 --> 00:03:39,376 All right, I'm not a meteorologist. I'm a weather girl. 66 00:03:39,518 --> 00:03:42,851 So, Hank, what's this I hear about you being backed up? 67 00:03:43,021 --> 00:03:44,386 Nothing! What? 68 00:03:44,456 --> 00:03:48,324 Who are you thinking about talking to? It's not me. I'm fine! 69 00:03:48,460 --> 00:03:50,189 Well, that's not what I heard. 70 00:03:50,262 --> 00:03:52,127 - Heard from who? - Dale. 71 00:03:52,197 --> 00:03:54,290 - How does Dale know? - Nancy. 72 00:03:54,366 --> 00:03:56,231 Nancy knows, too? 73 00:03:57,202 --> 00:03:58,499 That Peggy. 74 00:03:58,570 --> 00:04:02,131 Why not just take the door off the bathroom and put it out on the lawn? 75 00:04:02,207 --> 00:04:05,267 Hank, it happens to everyone now and then. 76 00:04:05,343 --> 00:04:07,743 There's no reason to be embarrassed. 77 00:04:07,812 --> 00:04:10,440 Maybe I'm not the one who should be embarrassed. 78 00:04:10,515 --> 00:04:12,039 Did you ever think of that? 79 00:04:12,117 --> 00:04:14,608 Maybe you're going a little too much. 80 00:04:14,686 --> 00:04:18,452 Once every four or five days gives me more free time. 81 00:04:18,890 --> 00:04:22,451 You want to spend all your time on the toilet, be my guest. 82 00:04:22,527 --> 00:04:24,154 DALE: Have you tried squatting? 83 00:04:24,362 --> 00:04:26,830 It takes pressure off the lower body. 84 00:04:26,898 --> 00:04:30,698 BILL: You know, Hank, I find a ride on the lawnmower helps. 85 00:04:30,802 --> 00:04:33,669 Would you please stop talking about this? 86 00:04:34,539 --> 00:04:36,734 [Muttering] I've been thinking about y'all... 87 00:04:36,808 --> 00:04:39,299 and your dang old bottom, what's gonna get moving again. 88 00:04:39,377 --> 00:04:41,607 Y'all ought to jog, swim, or water something. 89 00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:44,012 They'll be having you pooping just like before. 90 00:04:44,082 --> 00:04:45,208 I know it'll work. 91 00:04:45,283 --> 00:04:47,410 It helped my aunt after her pregnancy. 92 00:04:47,485 --> 00:04:50,545 - I don't know you, do I? - No, you don't. 93 00:04:50,622 --> 00:04:53,090 Would you all please leave me be? 94 00:04:53,158 --> 00:04:55,558 This is no one's business but my own. 95 00:05:00,165 --> 00:05:03,862 Okay, but I got one that's guaranteed to work for you, Hank. 96 00:05:04,336 --> 00:05:06,896 You take a spoonful of bacon grease... 97 00:05:07,172 --> 00:05:09,231 I'm not eating bacon grease. 98 00:05:09,307 --> 00:05:10,968 You didn't let me finish. 99 00:05:11,042 --> 00:05:12,031 [Sighs] 100 00:05:12,277 --> 00:05:16,611 Simple chronic constipation can be a symptom of a more serious condition. 101 00:05:17,015 --> 00:05:18,209 I should know. 102 00:05:18,283 --> 00:05:20,911 I'm former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop. 103 00:05:20,986 --> 00:05:25,082 Why did you have to go tell Nancy about my bathroom shortcomings? 104 00:05:25,390 --> 00:05:27,950 Food that is not absorbed becomes waste... 105 00:05:28,026 --> 00:05:30,358 and enters the pouch-like cecum. 106 00:05:30,428 --> 00:05:32,919 Who the hell is that? Howard Stern? 107 00:05:34,165 --> 00:05:36,326 The temperature is a pleasant 70 degrees. 108 00:05:37,168 --> 00:05:40,763 And on a more personal note, I want to wish my friend, Hank Hill... 109 00:05:40,839 --> 00:05:43,865 a quick recovery for his embarrassing constipation. 110 00:05:44,943 --> 00:05:47,810 Peggy, why'd you do this to me? Now everybody knows. 111 00:05:47,879 --> 00:05:49,904 Hank, I was worried. 112 00:05:50,181 --> 00:05:51,842 So? Worry to yourself. 113 00:05:51,916 --> 00:05:55,682 I'm tired of worrying to myself. It's better to talk things out. 114 00:05:55,754 --> 00:05:58,780 Not these things. Not toilet things. 115 00:05:58,857 --> 00:06:01,690 All right, Hank, all right. If it makes you this upset... 116 00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:04,957 I will just sit here silently, alone with my worries. 117 00:06:05,263 --> 00:06:06,389 Finally! 118 00:06:09,367 --> 00:06:12,632 I'll have some skirt steak, some brisket... 119 00:06:12,704 --> 00:06:17,437 a little piece of that New York steak, couple of them steak fingers, and a burger. 120 00:06:17,509 --> 00:06:19,739 Hank, please, have just one veggie. 121 00:06:19,811 --> 00:06:20,937 All right. 122 00:06:21,012 --> 00:06:23,344 Put some macaroni and cheese on there, too. 123 00:06:23,682 --> 00:06:25,912 [Lawnmower running] 124 00:06:33,892 --> 00:06:36,725 Chocolate sauce! Can I have some? 125 00:06:36,795 --> 00:06:39,787 No, Bobby, this isn't ordinary chocolate. 126 00:06:40,231 --> 00:06:42,096 It is a laxative for your father. 127 00:06:45,036 --> 00:06:47,231 Where'd you find this chocolate sauce, Peg? 128 00:06:47,305 --> 00:06:49,899 It sure is good. Here, Bobby, try some. 129 00:06:49,974 --> 00:06:51,771 Okay, I thought you'd never ask. 130 00:06:51,843 --> 00:06:55,074 Bobby, you know what that is. 131 00:06:56,047 --> 00:06:57,071 So? 132 00:06:57,148 --> 00:06:59,013 - What is it? - Laxative. 133 00:07:01,152 --> 00:07:02,847 You're trying to drug me? 134 00:07:02,921 --> 00:07:04,889 Good God! That's going too far! 135 00:07:04,956 --> 00:07:06,981 Well, you won't talk to me about it. 136 00:07:07,058 --> 00:07:10,994 Now what if it really is something serious, like polyps, or worse? 137 00:07:11,062 --> 00:07:13,030 You should see a doctor. 138 00:07:13,164 --> 00:07:17,658 Stop making such a big deal out of it. I just can't go to the bathroom. 139 00:07:19,704 --> 00:07:21,296 [Anxious breathing] 140 00:07:25,210 --> 00:07:26,472 [Sobbing] 141 00:07:30,715 --> 00:07:34,446 PEGGY: Oh, Hank. BILL: He looks like an angel. 142 00:07:35,787 --> 00:07:37,254 A dead angel. 143 00:07:37,322 --> 00:07:40,689 [Muttering] Oh, my ding dong dang old. Why? 144 00:07:41,392 --> 00:07:43,587 It should've been Bill. 145 00:07:44,529 --> 00:07:45,518 Hank. 146 00:07:45,997 --> 00:07:48,932 We never got a chance to talk about your constipation. 147 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:51,195 And now we never will. 148 00:07:51,302 --> 00:07:54,237 Remember, early detection is the key. 149 00:07:54,806 --> 00:07:57,240 Now pass in your algebra homework. 150 00:08:00,178 --> 00:08:02,442 [Somber instrumental music] 151 00:08:02,881 --> 00:08:06,146 Goodbye, boy. See you in hell! 152 00:08:06,518 --> 00:08:07,883 [Flushing] 153 00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:10,210 [Screams] 154 00:08:13,758 --> 00:08:14,690 [Screams] 155 00:08:14,759 --> 00:08:16,351 HANK: Occupied! 156 00:08:16,427 --> 00:08:18,588 Hank, you're alive. 157 00:08:18,663 --> 00:08:21,860 Close the damn door. Can't you see I'm in here, Peg? 158 00:08:21,933 --> 00:08:25,630 Don't. No, don't touch me. I'm on the john. Get out of here. 159 00:08:25,703 --> 00:08:29,264 Hank, I was so scared. I dreamed you died. 160 00:08:29,340 --> 00:08:32,434 You didn't see a doctor. You didn't listen to Koop. 161 00:08:32,510 --> 00:08:34,808 Peggy, you're not supposed to see this. 162 00:08:34,879 --> 00:08:38,280 Listen, honey, I love you. Please, don't die on me. 163 00:08:38,349 --> 00:08:39,941 I love you, too, but... 164 00:08:40,318 --> 00:08:44,914 Jeez. All right, I'll see a doctor, if you just get out and leave me be. 165 00:08:46,090 --> 00:08:47,182 You will? 166 00:08:47,358 --> 00:08:50,088 Hank, that's wonderful. 167 00:08:50,161 --> 00:08:52,561 Yeah, well, come on. Get a move on. 168 00:08:53,798 --> 00:08:55,732 PEGGY: Thank you. HANK: Git! 169 00:08:59,971 --> 00:09:03,964 WOMAN: And what exactly are you seeing Dr. Morley about today? 170 00:09:05,076 --> 00:09:07,010 [Mumbling] Well, I've been... 171 00:09:07,212 --> 00:09:09,680 or actually I haven't been... 172 00:09:09,747 --> 00:09:11,715 You're going to have to speak up. 173 00:09:11,783 --> 00:09:15,480 I need to see him about a problem with... 174 00:09:15,887 --> 00:09:18,617 WOMAN: Sir, just fill this out and have a seat. 175 00:09:24,963 --> 00:09:26,225 [Trumpeting] 176 00:09:26,331 --> 00:09:28,697 Put that down. You do not know where it's been. 177 00:09:28,766 --> 00:09:30,961 Come on. I'm trying to fill this thing out. 178 00:09:36,507 --> 00:09:39,101 - Hankie? - Mrs. Maclntosh? 179 00:09:39,277 --> 00:09:40,574 Hank Hill. 180 00:09:41,279 --> 00:09:43,042 Is this your family? 181 00:09:43,648 --> 00:09:46,481 I was your father's third grade teacher. 182 00:09:47,452 --> 00:09:49,249 Why are you here, Hankie? 183 00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:51,345 This is an old person's doctor. 184 00:09:51,422 --> 00:09:52,980 He hasn't been able to take... 185 00:09:53,057 --> 00:09:56,390 A walk. I threw my knee out playing touch football. 186 00:09:56,628 --> 00:09:59,096 WOMAN: Mr. Hill, I'm sorry, sir. I cannot read this. 187 00:09:59,163 --> 00:10:01,461 What does it say? "Con"? "Contact"? 188 00:10:01,633 --> 00:10:03,294 "Convict"? "Con" what? 189 00:10:06,271 --> 00:10:08,364 So, how are we doing today? 190 00:10:08,673 --> 00:10:10,766 I'm Dr. Morley. Let's see. 191 00:10:10,942 --> 00:10:13,308 So you're suffering from consumption? 192 00:10:13,378 --> 00:10:16,176 PEGGY: Constipation. DOCTOR: Oh, constipation. 193 00:10:16,247 --> 00:10:18,841 Well, that's quite a different matter. 194 00:10:18,917 --> 00:10:21,477 How long has it been since your last bowel movement? 195 00:10:21,552 --> 00:10:25,352 Well, I usually don't keep track of that kind of thing, but... 196 00:10:25,423 --> 00:10:28,859 Five days, and Hank's usual schedule is every two days. 197 00:10:29,127 --> 00:10:32,392 Of course when we were first married, he'd go every day. 198 00:10:32,530 --> 00:10:35,397 But I spoke to his mom, who said the most interesting thing. 199 00:10:35,466 --> 00:10:37,024 She said, when he was a teenager... 200 00:10:37,101 --> 00:10:39,763 he would be in that bathroom three or four times a day... 201 00:10:39,837 --> 00:10:42,931 - Peggy! - Please, Mr. Hill, this is helpful. 202 00:10:43,341 --> 00:10:45,571 Now, your wife is obviously concerned. 203 00:10:45,643 --> 00:10:48,237 And if she's concerned, I'm concerned. 204 00:10:48,746 --> 00:10:51,112 I think we'll do a sigmoidoscopy. 205 00:10:53,318 --> 00:10:56,014 See, honey? Aren't you glad we're here? 206 00:10:56,220 --> 00:10:59,621 Mr. Hill, why don't you go ahead and take off your pants for me, okay? 207 00:11:09,901 --> 00:11:11,425 Why are you stopping? 208 00:11:11,502 --> 00:11:13,436 No sense in doing this now. 209 00:11:13,504 --> 00:11:16,029 I'll just wait until the doctor comes back. 210 00:11:16,107 --> 00:11:19,770 NURSE: Sir, you're gonna need to take your pants off for Dr. Morley. 211 00:11:20,478 --> 00:11:21,740 Okay. 212 00:11:22,113 --> 00:11:23,239 [Sighing] 213 00:11:28,152 --> 00:11:30,017 Why, look at that, Peg. 214 00:11:30,755 --> 00:11:31,881 Cotton balls. 215 00:11:33,424 --> 00:11:34,516 White ones. 216 00:11:36,427 --> 00:11:38,190 A whole jar of them. 217 00:11:39,230 --> 00:11:42,028 How many do you think there are in there? 218 00:11:43,368 --> 00:11:44,767 I'll bet 30. 219 00:11:46,371 --> 00:11:47,531 Yep. 220 00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:50,029 30. 221 00:11:54,312 --> 00:11:58,408 Okay, Mr. Hill, why don't you hop on the table and undo the back of your gown? 222 00:11:58,483 --> 00:11:59,814 We'll have a look at you. 223 00:11:59,884 --> 00:12:01,784 You got all these fancy machines. 224 00:12:01,853 --> 00:12:04,048 Can't you take a picture through the gown? 225 00:12:04,122 --> 00:12:06,590 It's normal to be a little frightened, Mr. Hill. 226 00:12:06,858 --> 00:12:08,485 Just turn your face to the wall. 227 00:12:08,559 --> 00:12:09,583 [Knocking] 228 00:12:09,660 --> 00:12:11,594 - You want me to get that? - No. 229 00:12:12,430 --> 00:12:13,454 Mr. Hill? 230 00:12:13,531 --> 00:12:16,125 Mr. Hill, this is Tasha. She's a medical student. 231 00:12:16,267 --> 00:12:19,327 Would it be all right with you if she observes the examination? 232 00:12:19,737 --> 00:12:21,227 Well, I guess. 233 00:12:23,041 --> 00:12:24,235 [Elevator dings] 234 00:12:26,377 --> 00:12:27,605 [Woman hyperventilating] 235 00:12:27,678 --> 00:12:31,011 MAN: We made it, honey. Quick. Sixth floor, Maternity. 236 00:12:31,349 --> 00:12:32,338 [Elevator dings] 237 00:12:35,353 --> 00:12:36,342 [Elevator dings] 238 00:12:37,922 --> 00:12:39,048 [Baby crying] 239 00:12:39,657 --> 00:12:42,683 Mr. Hill, this is a special camera... 240 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:45,854 that we use to get an inside view of your colon. 241 00:12:46,197 --> 00:12:47,824 HANK: Just kill me now. 242 00:12:48,032 --> 00:12:50,227 Mr. Hill, do you wish a bite plate? 243 00:12:50,301 --> 00:12:51,893 Mom, I'm hungry. 244 00:12:52,036 --> 00:12:53,025 [Screaming] 245 00:12:53,438 --> 00:12:55,338 BOBBY: Dad, what are they doing to you? 246 00:12:55,406 --> 00:12:57,033 Bobby, get out of here! 247 00:12:57,141 --> 00:13:01,475 No, Mr. Hill, when a family faces an illness, all members should be involved. 248 00:13:01,546 --> 00:13:04,140 Remember, they're your get-well team. 249 00:13:04,248 --> 00:13:07,149 - Hey there, ace. Do you like video games? - Yeah! 250 00:13:07,218 --> 00:13:09,982 Well, this joystick is just like a video game joystick. 251 00:13:10,054 --> 00:13:12,386 Only my red button fires a real laser. 252 00:13:12,457 --> 00:13:13,549 Cool. 253 00:13:13,724 --> 00:13:15,385 [Makes shooting sounds] 254 00:13:16,194 --> 00:13:17,354 Bobby. 255 00:13:17,595 --> 00:13:21,395 Say, you're good. Maybe you could help us out a little later. 256 00:13:21,833 --> 00:13:23,698 Just kidding, Mr. Hill. 257 00:13:23,768 --> 00:13:26,202 Mr. Hill, it doesn't hurt to smile. 258 00:13:26,571 --> 00:13:28,198 It might actually help. 259 00:13:28,806 --> 00:13:30,603 Tasha, you can begin. 260 00:13:34,412 --> 00:13:36,039 DOCTOR: So far this looks normal. 261 00:13:36,114 --> 00:13:37,513 Normal? 262 00:13:37,782 --> 00:13:39,113 That's good, right? 263 00:13:39,183 --> 00:13:40,514 Now, this is exciting. 264 00:13:40,585 --> 00:13:42,450 There are so many twists and turns. 265 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:44,750 I can't wait to see what's around the next bend. 266 00:13:44,822 --> 00:13:48,087 The colon has to twist and turn because it's surprisingly long. 267 00:13:48,159 --> 00:13:51,651 You know, Bobby, if I were to take your grandfather's intestine... 268 00:13:51,729 --> 00:13:52,821 I'm his father. 269 00:13:52,897 --> 00:13:55,798 Your father's intestine and lay it out in a straight line... 270 00:13:55,867 --> 00:13:58,529 it would go all the way around the earth. 271 00:13:58,603 --> 00:14:00,195 Wow! Really? 272 00:14:00,972 --> 00:14:04,635 Well, that is amazing, Doctor. You know, I did not know that. 273 00:14:04,709 --> 00:14:06,108 Now, how could that be? 274 00:14:06,177 --> 00:14:09,408 The Earth is 25,000 miles around. 275 00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:12,506 A piece of steak would have to shoot through your system... 276 00:14:12,583 --> 00:14:15,575 faster than the speed of sound. That's impossible. 277 00:14:15,653 --> 00:14:20,522 Well, Mr. Hill, there's certainly nothing going through your intestines that fast. 278 00:14:20,858 --> 00:14:23,618 Hey, I like this. Can I be a proctologist when I grow up? 279 00:14:23,628 --> 00:14:24,617 Hey, I like this. Can I be a proctologist when I grow up? 280 00:14:24,729 --> 00:14:25,957 [Machine buzzing] 281 00:14:26,063 --> 00:14:30,466 Mr. Hill, I'm gonna have to ask you to relax your buttocks for me, please. 282 00:14:36,607 --> 00:14:37,596 [Yawning] 283 00:14:37,908 --> 00:14:40,536 - How are you holding up, Mrs. Hill? - I'm okay. 284 00:14:40,811 --> 00:14:44,247 I'm just a little uncomfortable from sitting here for so long. 285 00:14:45,316 --> 00:14:46,340 [Doctor sighing] 286 00:14:46,417 --> 00:14:48,817 DOCTOR: Okay. Let's take a five-minute break. 287 00:14:54,025 --> 00:14:57,859 Well, Mr. Hill, we're not exactly sure what's causing your problem. 288 00:14:57,928 --> 00:15:01,921 So at this point, the best option might be to remove something surgically. 289 00:15:02,099 --> 00:15:05,626 I'm sorry. But apparently your low-fat, high-fiber diet is not working. 290 00:15:05,703 --> 00:15:08,194 Well, maybe Hank just needs to give his low-fat... 291 00:15:08,272 --> 00:15:10,206 high-fiber diet a little more time. 292 00:15:10,274 --> 00:15:13,437 - Isn't that right, Hank? - Yes. All right. 293 00:15:13,944 --> 00:15:17,243 Just to be safe, I'll book an operating room for the end of the week. 294 00:15:17,314 --> 00:15:18,713 Oh, God! 295 00:15:18,816 --> 00:15:22,183 DOCTOR: Don't worry. You know, it's possible to live a long, healthy... 296 00:15:22,253 --> 00:15:24,813 slightly less active life without a colon. 297 00:15:25,256 --> 00:15:27,349 You just can't wear shorts. 298 00:15:33,330 --> 00:15:36,163 "Not Dogs." Now what are these? Hot dogs? 299 00:15:36,233 --> 00:15:38,326 No. They're Not Dogs. 300 00:15:38,769 --> 00:15:40,100 They're made of tofu. 301 00:15:40,171 --> 00:15:42,105 Tofu? I can't eat that crap. 302 00:15:42,173 --> 00:15:44,107 Then try this Faux Fu. 303 00:15:44,175 --> 00:15:46,973 It's a tofu substitute for the tofu-intolerant. 304 00:15:47,478 --> 00:15:49,969 Now would that be good for a man who's constipated? 305 00:15:50,047 --> 00:15:52,072 - Peggy! - Well, I didn't say it was you. 306 00:15:52,149 --> 00:15:53,673 Is this for your husband? 307 00:15:53,751 --> 00:15:56,982 Yes, and we will also take a quart of your brown rice broth. 308 00:15:57,054 --> 00:15:59,545 Do you have anything that tastes good? 309 00:15:59,623 --> 00:16:01,454 [Sighing hesitantly] 310 00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:03,784 No. 311 00:16:03,928 --> 00:16:05,623 Look at this, Uncle Hank. 312 00:16:05,696 --> 00:16:09,257 "Experience moxibustion with Mr. Li. 313 00:16:09,433 --> 00:16:11,526 "Board-certified moxibustionist. 314 00:16:11,869 --> 00:16:14,736 "Relieves stress and opens the energy channels. " 315 00:16:15,172 --> 00:16:16,605 What the hell is that? 316 00:16:16,674 --> 00:16:19,438 He sticks needles in your skin and sets them on fire. 317 00:16:19,510 --> 00:16:22,308 Anyone ever try that on me, I'll kick his ass. 318 00:16:23,848 --> 00:16:26,339 No! Watch out behind you! No! 319 00:16:26,650 --> 00:16:29,141 Oh, God, Gatorade all down his back. 320 00:16:29,954 --> 00:16:32,115 Hank, it's 2:00. Bathroom time. 321 00:16:32,189 --> 00:16:34,714 HANK: Peg, can't I just... PEGGY: Bathroom time. 322 00:16:35,426 --> 00:16:36,757 HANK: All right. 323 00:16:38,763 --> 00:16:39,889 DALE: Hi there, Peggy. 324 00:16:39,964 --> 00:16:43,422 We were wondering if Hank could come out and help us with my fence. 325 00:16:43,601 --> 00:16:46,866 PEGGY: Oh, I'm sorry, Dale. Hank is having his bathroom time. 326 00:16:46,937 --> 00:16:48,370 Maybe later. 327 00:16:57,414 --> 00:16:59,848 [Snoring] 328 00:17:27,945 --> 00:17:30,277 PEGGY: Well, thank you all for coming. 329 00:17:30,414 --> 00:17:33,975 I thought it would help cheer Hank up to have all of his friends here. 330 00:17:34,084 --> 00:17:36,143 I think he's making a lot of progress. 331 00:17:36,220 --> 00:17:39,087 PEGGY: Where are you going, Hank? HANK: To the bathroom. 332 00:17:39,190 --> 00:17:43,024 Now just try to relax, Hank. And concentrate. This could be it. 333 00:17:45,462 --> 00:17:47,225 PEGGY: Come on! Will you hurry up? 334 00:17:47,298 --> 00:17:48,788 Peggy, please. 335 00:17:50,267 --> 00:17:51,757 Come on, Hank. 336 00:17:53,537 --> 00:17:54,526 [Sighs] 337 00:17:55,339 --> 00:17:56,863 [Muzak playing] 338 00:18:10,487 --> 00:18:11,476 [Sighs] 339 00:18:17,428 --> 00:18:21,922 No, see, what I'm saying is, salad don't always have to have salad in it. 340 00:18:21,999 --> 00:18:24,331 See, there's potato salad and... 341 00:18:26,804 --> 00:18:29,034 I'm sorry, Peg, I let you down. 342 00:18:29,306 --> 00:18:31,968 - I let you all down. - Don't you worry, Hank. 343 00:18:32,042 --> 00:18:34,567 We still have 24 hours before your appointment. 344 00:18:34,645 --> 00:18:36,510 We're gonna make the most of it. 345 00:18:36,780 --> 00:18:40,079 [Sentimental instrumental music] 346 00:19:06,310 --> 00:19:09,040 You know, Hank seems a little down. 347 00:19:09,113 --> 00:19:10,876 Well, he's a shell of a man. 348 00:19:10,948 --> 00:19:14,816 I never thought he'd have the willpower to give up everything he enjoyed. 349 00:19:14,885 --> 00:19:16,819 That's not Hank. That's me. 350 00:19:16,887 --> 00:19:18,946 If it was up to him, he'd be eating... 351 00:19:19,023 --> 00:19:22,117 burgers in the backyard with Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer. 352 00:19:22,192 --> 00:19:26,094 He'd still be drinking beer and shouting at the TV set... 353 00:19:26,563 --> 00:19:28,531 and having a lot of fun and... 354 00:19:36,106 --> 00:19:37,596 Wait here. 355 00:19:39,076 --> 00:19:40,941 - So? - So what? 356 00:19:41,011 --> 00:19:44,674 Well, I heard a... I mean, I wasn't listening, but I did hear... 357 00:19:44,748 --> 00:19:46,716 Oh, that was my glasses. 358 00:19:48,852 --> 00:19:51,047 Look, honey, we gotta talk. 359 00:19:51,121 --> 00:19:54,488 I know you want to help, but this is getting out of control. 360 00:19:54,792 --> 00:19:57,488 You can't treat a grown man like a baby. 361 00:19:57,828 --> 00:19:58,988 It ain't right. 362 00:19:59,063 --> 00:20:02,499 I feel like I've been trying to be someone else lately. 363 00:20:02,566 --> 00:20:04,534 Eating food I don't eat. 364 00:20:04,868 --> 00:20:07,063 And I'm just not gonna do it anymore. 365 00:20:07,137 --> 00:20:11,096 And if I don't ever poop again, well, that's just gonna be who I am. 366 00:20:11,175 --> 00:20:13,871 I'd rather die with a burger in my colon... 367 00:20:13,944 --> 00:20:15,878 than live and eat Faux Fu. 368 00:20:16,413 --> 00:20:19,849 Hank, I know. And it's okay. You're right. 369 00:20:20,017 --> 00:20:21,075 What? 370 00:20:21,151 --> 00:20:23,676 PEGGY: I'm doing this because I want you to be around... 371 00:20:23,754 --> 00:20:26,450 as long as possible, because I love you. 372 00:20:26,991 --> 00:20:29,357 But I have to let you be you. 373 00:20:30,227 --> 00:20:32,024 HANK: Oh, Peggy... 374 00:20:32,463 --> 00:20:34,795 I'll still be here for a good long while. 375 00:20:34,865 --> 00:20:36,730 PEGGY: I worry. HANK: I know you do. 376 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:38,233 PEGGY: That you could... 377 00:20:38,302 --> 00:20:39,769 I know, honey. 378 00:20:40,004 --> 00:20:42,939 And I'm a lucky son of a gun, I'll tell you what... 379 00:20:43,007 --> 00:20:45,908 to have a woman like you care so much about me. 380 00:20:46,477 --> 00:20:48,308 I'm gonna be more open... 381 00:20:48,379 --> 00:20:50,506 tell you how I'm doing more... 382 00:20:50,681 --> 00:20:52,205 and let you in. 383 00:20:52,783 --> 00:20:55,752 I just want this moment to last forever, Hank. 384 00:20:55,819 --> 00:20:57,047 Me, too! 385 00:20:58,655 --> 00:21:01,385 - But it can't. - Hold me, Hank. 386 00:21:01,458 --> 00:21:04,120 No! Let go! 387 00:21:18,909 --> 00:21:20,035 [Flushing] 388 00:21:20,344 --> 00:21:21,402 Yes! 389 00:21:21,612 --> 00:21:24,206 [Jubilant choir singing] 390 00:21:40,197 --> 00:21:44,600 You might have noticed in tonight's episode there was some brief nudity. 391 00:21:45,302 --> 00:21:50,001 Now, as an actor, I only do nudity when I feel the script warrants it. 392 00:21:50,741 --> 00:21:55,235 And I thought tonight's episode only warranted seeing the side of my rump. 393 00:21:55,913 --> 00:21:59,041 You can believe me when I tell you the Fox executives... 394 00:21:59,116 --> 00:22:01,516 were pushing for a whole lot more. 395 00:22:01,585 --> 00:22:05,612 If any of you were offended by my body, I'm truly sorry. 396 00:22:06,356 --> 00:22:07,823 Good night. 397 00:22:08,305 --> 00:23:08,516 Who are the real-world Illuminati ? Find out @ saveanilluminati.com