[Balloon whistling]
[Balloon sputtering]
Hey, my dad's invitation to the party got returned.
"Grandpa Cotton Hill, Hell, USA?"
Bobby, why did you write this? You know your grandpa lives in Houston.
Mom says he's the devil.
Peggy, how can you tell Bobby that?
I said "evil," Hank.
How you get "devil" from that is beyond me.
I don't want Grandpa at my party.
The kids are already gonna hate me because you got the wrong bean dip.
What's wrong with the bean dip?
Wait. What's wrong with your grandpa?
He's got big plastic teeth, he screams all the time...
his legs don't work.
Bobby, never make fun of your grandpa's legs.
He lost his shins defending Texas in World War II.
Now, son, pick up that phone and invite your granddad to your birthday party.
Okay.
BOBBY: Hi, Grandpa.
Bobby, if you're gonna fake dial...
you gotta hit more than three numbers.
[Theme music]
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[Bill hollering]
This thing is a hoot.
I got a splinter here.
"Orange you glad I didn't say banana?"
Huh? Huh?
This party's boring.
Everybody hates you.
Why you so pissed off for, Peggy Hill?
Oh, nothing. Just Hank's father. He's driving in for the party.
Oh, Lord, that crazy Cotton Hill.
I heard, after Hank's mother left Cotton...
he married his 16-year-old nurse.
Dee Dee is 39, thank you very much.
Although parts of her are much younger.
Peggy Hill!
[Growling]
BOBBY: Dad, I'm dying out there.
I blew up a balloon with my nose. Nothing.
I did this thing.
[Yiddish accent] What are you talking about?
Nothing.
Did you try burping the alphabet?
BOBBY: That's my closer, Dad.
Man, "What are you talking about? What are you talking about?"
Fat kids are always the funny ones.
Dang old John Candy, John Belushi, night before they dug their graves.
- Who wants a burger? - Why, I'll take that steak.
The hell you say? Did you win World War II?
- This rib eye is for my daddy. - Cotton's coming?
If I was you, Kahn, I'd amscray before he gets here.
Yeah, if he finds out you're from Japan, you know...
How many times I tell you, stupid?
I'm Laotian!
[Burping] U.
[Burping] V.
[Horn honking]
[Cotton hollering]
Happy birthday, Bobby!
Dad, you crazy son of a gun.
You really outdid yourself this time.
Well, you know me. I'm larger than life.
Where are its legs?
What are you looking at, Moe?
A Japanese machine gun blew my shins off in WW II.
So what?
- You like that horse, Bobby? - I love it, Grandpa.
Well, you can love it for four more hours. It's a rental.
All right. Who wants the first ride?
BILL: Me!
Hey, Hank's wife.
How long have you been here, Cotton? I didn't notice you...
Dee Dee, come on out here, and gab with Hank's wife.
Look here, Hank.
What you think of your mama's new ta-tas?
She is not my mother. Hell, we went to kindergarten together.
Hey, Hank...
do you still like...
finger-painting?
Everyone thinks your party's cool, Bobby.
I'm having fun!
Your wife divorced you.
COTTON: Mr. Kahn, I'll have a mai tai.
What you think? I work for Hank?
Dad, this here's my new neighbor.
He's Japanese.
No, he ain't!
He's Laotian. Ain't you, Mr. Kahn?
All right. Time to open my gift.
A Super Squirter!
Super Squirter!
It ain't no water toy, Mr. Kahn!
It's a genuine Winchester 20-gauge shotgun!
You got a real gun.
No, and now Peggy Hill has a real gun.
Bobby, you are too young to own a firearm.
Did you see that, Hank? Tell your woman to give him back his gun!
PEGGY: His woman?
Oh, Cotton, I am my own woman. And don't you forget it.
Peg, that's just cowboy talk. Come on.
Hey, let's go bust open that pinata!
COTTON: Kill it, boy.
Bash it! Bash it!
COTTON: That's it! PEGGY: Come on, Bobby.
Hank, the boy can barely reach it. Lower the pinata so he has a chance at it.
Come on.
COTTON: Oh! Crack it! Nail it!
COTTON: Bash it! Bash it!
COTTON: Kill it, boy!
It must be made of kryptonite or something.
For crying out loud!
Good Lord, Cotton. You gave him a loaded shotgun?
You don't give a toy without batteries.
Come and get your Tootsie Rolls!
Oh, I am so sorry your grandpa ruined your birthday, son.
He didn't ruin it. He made it fun.
COTTON: Bobby, come on over here, boy!
Take off them pink gloves. That's woman's work.
PEGGY: Leave him alone. He's a good helper.
Oh, whatever you say, Hillary.
Cotton, I'll do the dishes. I like to.
Permission granted!
Put an apron over your new bosom, too.
Don't tell her, but I got them cheap. Both lefties!
So, Bobby, what you gonna do with your life?
I'm gonna be a prop comic.
I'm working on this bit where I stick a green bean up my nose.
Well, now that sounds promising.
Hank, Bobby and me have decided he's gonna stick vegetables up his nose.
He's not gonna take over the family gas station.
Dad, I don't work at a gas station.
I sell propane and propane accessories.
Don't sass me, boy.
You ain't too big for me to give you a licking.
Dad, you old skunk.
Come on, grease monkey! Let's tangle!
PEGGY: All right, Cotton. You're breaking my good dishes.
It's time for you to leave!
ALL: Come on.
PEGGY: Come on! I will fix you a to-go plate.
ALL: Bye. PEGGY: Don't worry about the horse.
If it comes back, we'll call the rental place.
[Engine struggling]
Damn, won't start. I guess I'm not going anywhere.
No. Just pop the hood. Hank can fix it in a minute.
Don't bother, Uncle Hank. I can't hear the solenoid plunger.
You're gonna need a new one.
Thanks a lot, girlie. But the truth is, you're a girl.
We'll have to wait till your gas station opens up in the morning.
I'm staying over.
I wish you could. But we are all out of beds.
I don't need a bed.
I can sleep in a drawer, after what they did to me overseas.
I can sleep on the couch, Mom.
- That'll be just fine. L... - Excuse me for just a second.
I do not want that ill-mannered...
foul-mouthed old man to spend another moment in my house.
You just don't understand him.
See, he's a big, flamboyant character, like a peacock.
That's why men love him.
But women don't like his style, because you all are like the peahen.
More subdued and drab.
You just cannot see your father for who he is.
Well, Bobby and I both want him to stay.
That means you're outvoted.
Oh, yeah? Well, Luanne hates him, too. That means we're even.
Well, Jesus loves him. So I win.
What does that have to do with...
Dad, we'd love it if you stayed.
Well, all righty!
Dee Dee, we're bunking here tonight.
Mr. Kahn! My bags!
COTTON: What do you say I drive you to school today, Bobby?
Hank, you fixed my car yet?
I just woke up.
Just... It's 7:00 a.m.
If you were in the army, you could've dug 10 graves by now!
PEGGY: I hope you're all hungry.
Good-Iooking breakfast, Peg.
Yeah, I see bacon, I see ham.
I see steak.
Sausage! Where's my sausage? There's no sausage!
Well, Cotton!
You are welcome to march yourself down to the Safeway.
But I have to get ready for work.
See, Bobby? Woman works, man loses his sausage.
Cotton, I'd love to debate this with you...
but I am just a little too busy living here...
in the latter half of the 20th century.
Dad, if you want to drive Bobby to school, use my truck.
I'll go rig up your pedal extenders.
You're all skin and bones, girlie.
Put some cornpone on them hips.
I don't want any, Grandpa Hill.
- Don't want to get fat. - That's not for you to worry about.
You will never know if you are attractive.
It's up to a man to tell you that.
You keep eating, and I'll tell you when to stop.
Touch me again, and you'll be wearing that corn pone, old man.
[Hollering]
Feisty!
You're sure it's okay for me to be out of school today, Grandpa?
Oh, yeah. It's a holiday, isn't it?
It's Angie Dickinson's birthday.
Now, why don't you order us some food?
Really? Dad never lets me order.
Well, you ain't with your daddy today.
Go to it.
[Clears throat]
Excuse me, ma'am?
Ma'am?
Oh, good, sweet...
You'll never get no service that way.
You gotta get her in the moneymaker.
Hey, Missy!
How about some samiches?
[Laughing]
HANK: That's the dangdest thing.
I never heard of a solenoid just disappearing before.
I don't know.
Sometimes, things just disappear for no logical reason.
One day, my cousin woke up, his kidney was gone.
At the same time, 500 miles away...
a woman in Phoenix contracted diabetes.
I fixed it, Uncle Hank.
[Engine starts]
She purrs just like a dang old kitten.
My dad sure knows how to take care of his cars.
When I was a baby, he had my mama make me a chamois jumpsuit...
and I used to crawl around on the hood and buff it till it shined like Christmas.
Your dad, I swear!
How about when he took us down to the Hotel Arlen?
Remember that, Hank?
[Piano playing]
Hank, you won the big game.
So I'm buying you and your friends hookers.
Now go on, boy. Pick yourself out a live one.
Hey there, Mr. Quarterback.
[Shuddering]
[Mild chuckle]
Not every dad would do something like that to his son.
I mean, for his son.
PEGGY: How's it coming with the car, grease monkey?
That's real funny, Peg.
Look what I found.
Wait! That's a solenoid. Where'd you find that?
In Cotton's room, wrapped in his little bitty pants under a big pile of lies.
Damn it! I killed a whole day fixing that car.
- I don't understand. - What is to understand?
Your father disfigured his own automobile...
just so he could stay here and drive me crazy.
Peggy, the poor guy just wants to spend time with us.
And you've made it so hard for him, he's afraid to ask.
You're right. It's my fault.
Why didn't I serve that poor man his sausage?
What's the point in arguing? The car is fixed now.
He'll be out of here tonight.
Aunt Peg, I found this timing belt in the laundry.
You want me to wash it with the darks?
CHARLIE: Good morning, Angels.
Do I have an assignment for you.
ANGELS: Good morning, Charlie.
Damn!
It's a Shelley Hack!
That's like getting a Shemp!
What in the hell is going on here?
Where are your pants?
We were hot. Took them off.
A man doesn't have to wear pants around the house if he doesn't want to.
What you got them blue jeans on for, Hank?
Let's go. Take them off.
I don't want to take them off.
Bobby, take your daddy's pants off.
PEGGY: Okey-dokey, Cotton, Hank fixed your car.
I guess you'll be wanting to head back right now.
HANK: Peggy.
Well, maybe we should think about getting back, honey.
What did you say? What did you say?
Okay, now, what did you say, baby cakes?
We can leave! Hank fixed the car!
Actually, Luanne fixed it.
[Laughing]
Oh, that's a good one, Hank's wife.
A woman fixing a car.
That's like a pig trying to read.
- Pig? - Yeah.
Well, I guess you can go home now, Dad.
No, I don't think so.
We're gonna stick around a few more days.
DEE DEE: Suppertime, Colonel.
You forgot my beer.
Go on. Get me my beer, woman.
Mom, I'll take my dinner in here, too.
Bobby, you will not. We eat our dinner in the kitchen.
Boy wants his dinner in here.
Well, we eat in the kitchen.
- Here! - Kitchen!
Hank, for God's sake, I need a little support here.
Well, Peggy...
it might be nice, for a change, to have dinner...
in front of the TV.
Go on, woman, get me my dinner.
I don't know where you got the idea you could slap your mother's behind.
I'll tell you where he got the idea. Your father.
And it's your fault for not nipping it in the bud.
What do you want me to do? I can't change my father.
He certainly won't listen to me, now, will he?
You're both men. You're both peacocks. Remember?
What, are you turning into some kind of feminist?
I am not a feminist, Hank.
I am Peggy Hill, a citizen of the Republic of Texas.
I work hard, I sweat hard, and I love hard.
I gotta smell good and look pretty while I'm doing it.
So I comb my hair, I reapply lipstick 30 times a day.
I do your dishes, I wash your clothes, and I clean the house.
Not because I have to, Hank...
but because of a mutual, unspoken agreement...
that I have never brought up, because I am too much of a lady.
Thirty times a day?
Yeah, I like it here.
What kind of work can a guy get in this town?
- Are you allergic to asbestos? - Hell, no.
HANK: Hey, Dad.
Hey, it if ain't the old grease monkey.
All right, Dad, I need to talk to you about some of the things...
you've been telling Bobby.
I've been telling Bobby a lot of things. For example...
I told him how I lost my shins defending our country.
- You want to hear that story, fatty? - Sir, yes, sir!
HANK: Bill, I'm trying to talk to my...
I was 14. Just a little older than Bobby.
But I knew Uncle Sam needed me. So I lied and signed up.
[Patriotic instrumental music]
And we had beat them Nazis in Italy.
Then they shipped us to the Pacific Theater.
A Tojo torpedo sent our troop ship to the bottom.
I could only save three of my buddies.
Fatty, Stinky, and Brooklyn.
They were like you fellows, only one of them was from Brooklyn.
Out of the sun came a Tojo Zero and put 50 bullets in my back.
The blood attracted sharks.
I had to give them Fatty.
Then things took a turn for the worse.
I made it to an island.
But it was full of Tojos!
They were spitting on the US flag.
So I rushed them. But it was a trap.
They opened fire and blew my shins off.
Last thing I remember, I beat them all to death with a big piece of Fatty.
I woke up in a field hospital.
And they were sewing my feet to my knees.
Now what was it you wanted to talk to me about, Hank?
[Sighs]
Well...
nothing, I guess.
BOBBY: You've had enough cake, Kahny.
What are you doing?
A man's gotta tell a woman when to stop eating.
You're looking kind of chunky.
She's moody. Must be PBS.
Let's go, I gotta see a man about a horse.
Bobby, don't forget to bus your tray.
That's woman's work. Ain't that right, fellas?
Women's work!
Women's work! Women's work!
BOYS: Women's work! Women's work!
[Children shouting]
Well, she's got a point.
But he's a war hero.
She's my wife.
But he's got no shins.
MAN: Uh...
I'm just trying to get a little propane here.
[Phone ringing]
Strickland Propane.
Bobby was sent home from school for starting a sexist riot today.
What? I'm coming home right now.
Well, you're just a little too late...
because the devil took Bobby off to the Hotel Arlen.
Hotel Arlen?
Bobby, I'm proud of you for what you did at school today.
So, I'm buying you a hooker.
Go ahead, pick yourself out a live one.
A live one what?
Hey, cutie, you got papers?
Bobby, get over here now!
But Grandpa said I could...
Bobby, you heard your mother. Get over there.
What are you saying, Hank?
Are you siding with your woman?
Look at me, son. Look at my shins!
Look, Dad, I'm sorry about Fatty and your shins...
but I'm not a kid anymore.
Bobby is my boy.
And I won't let him grow up to be a woman-hating old fool.
No wonder Mom left you. She was a strong lady.
Classy and smart, like Peg.
Maybe you couldn't handle that, but I can.
My marriage is a partnership of equals.
Peggy might do all the housework...
but there are a lot of other things that I'm supposed to do.
But I'm not gonna say what they are, because I'm a gentleman.
Oh, I get it. She's making you say this.
You're just her puppet.
No, Dad, I'm saying all this because I mean it.
Dee Dee's out in the car. I had her pack up.
It's time for you to head home.
Well.
I never thought I'd see the day when my own son would stop loving me.
It's about time!
Love's for sissies!
Ain't that right, you house full of hookers?
WOMAN: Would you listen to that man?
All right, hookers, listen up. I'll be back next year...
so don't be jacking up your prices.
I'll be staying over at Hank Hill's home.
Bobby, you gotta try and forget all that gobbledygook...
your grandpa told you.
You listen to your mother. She knows best.
But she's a woman. How could she know better than Grandpa?
Well, because she's a lot smarter than him, for one.
Your mother's probably got a better head on her shoulders than anybody in Arlen.
Better than Bill? Or Dale?
Or Boomhauer?
Jeez, Bobby, why not compare her to a baboon in the zoo?
But I thought they were your best friends.
Peggy's my best friend, son.
- Mom? - That's right.
And when you're older, I hope you're lucky enough to find a girl...
to be best friends with, too.
You think that'll really happen to me?
It won't if you keep slapping them in the butt and ordering them around.
You'll do okay. You just have to remember one thing.
Women were not put on this earth to serve you and me.
Now what do you say we get an ice cream?
[1950s instrumental music]
[Theme music]
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