1
00:00:06,172 --> 00:00:07,799
[Balloon whistling]
2
00:00:07,874 --> 00:00:09,501
[Balloon sputtering]
3
00:00:12,712 --> 00:00:16,079
Hey, my dad's invitation to the party
got returned.
4
00:00:16,483 --> 00:00:19,941
"Grandpa Cotton Hill, Hell, USA?"
5
00:00:20,220 --> 00:00:24,316
Bobby, why did you write this?
You know your grandpa lives in Houston.
6
00:00:24,391 --> 00:00:26,120
Mom says he's the devil.
7
00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:28,626
Peggy, how can you tell Bobby that?
8
00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:30,287
I said "evil," Hank.
9
00:00:30,363 --> 00:00:32,558
How you get "devil"
from that is beyond me.
10
00:00:32,632 --> 00:00:34,532
I don't want Grandpa at my party.
11
00:00:34,601 --> 00:00:38,332
The kids are already gonna hate me
because you got the wrong bean dip.
12
00:00:38,405 --> 00:00:40,066
What's wrong with the bean dip?
13
00:00:40,140 --> 00:00:42,335
Wait. What's wrong with your grandpa?
14
00:00:42,409 --> 00:00:45,901
He's got big plastic teeth,
he screams all the time...
15
00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:47,570
his legs don't work.
16
00:00:47,647 --> 00:00:50,616
Bobby, never make fun
of your grandpa's legs.
17
00:00:51,151 --> 00:00:55,451
He lost his shins defending Texas
in World War II.
18
00:00:55,855 --> 00:01:00,451
Now, son, pick up that phone and invite
your granddad to your birthday party.
19
00:01:00,927 --> 00:01:02,019
Okay.
20
00:01:04,931 --> 00:01:06,626
BOBBY: Hi, Grandpa.
21
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,558
Bobby, if you're gonna fake dial...
22
00:01:09,636 --> 00:01:11,934
you gotta hit more than three numbers.
23
00:01:15,275 --> 00:01:18,005
[Theme music]
24
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:26,074
Who are the real-world Illuminati ?
Find out @ saveanilluminati.com
25
00:01:42,902 --> 00:01:44,392
[Bill hollering]
26
00:01:44,904 --> 00:01:46,997
This thing is a hoot.
27
00:01:52,645 --> 00:01:54,135
I got a splinter here.
28
00:01:54,213 --> 00:01:57,046
"Orange you glad I didn't say banana?"
29
00:01:57,750 --> 00:01:59,183
Huh? Huh?
30
00:01:59,785 --> 00:02:01,548
This party's boring.
31
00:02:01,987 --> 00:02:03,750
Everybody hates you.
32
00:02:03,989 --> 00:02:06,321
Why you so pissed off for, Peggy Hill?
33
00:02:06,392 --> 00:02:09,589
Oh, nothing. Just Hank's father.
He's driving in for the party.
34
00:02:09,662 --> 00:02:11,562
Oh, Lord, that crazy Cotton Hill.
35
00:02:11,630 --> 00:02:13,894
I heard, after Hank's mother left Cotton...
36
00:02:13,966 --> 00:02:15,866
he married his 16-year-old nurse.
37
00:02:15,935 --> 00:02:18,403
Dee Dee is 39, thank you very much.
38
00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:20,564
Although parts of her are much younger.
39
00:02:20,639 --> 00:02:22,231
Peggy Hill!
40
00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:23,741
[Growling]
41
00:02:24,777 --> 00:02:26,768
BOBBY: Dad, I'm dying out there.
42
00:02:26,846 --> 00:02:30,043
I blew up a balloon with my nose. Nothing.
43
00:02:30,249 --> 00:02:31,876
I did this thing.
44
00:02:32,384 --> 00:02:35,876
[Yiddish accent]
What are you talking about?
45
00:02:36,021 --> 00:02:37,283
Nothing.
46
00:02:37,356 --> 00:02:39,756
Did you try burping the alphabet?
47
00:02:39,892 --> 00:02:41,757
BOBBY: That's my closer, Dad.
48
00:02:42,628 --> 00:02:45,529
Man, "What are you talking about?
What are you talking about?"
49
00:02:45,598 --> 00:02:47,793
Fat kids are always the funny ones.
50
00:02:47,867 --> 00:02:51,826
Dang old John Candy, John Belushi,
night before they dug their graves.
51
00:02:51,904 --> 00:02:54,873
- Who wants a burger?
- Why, I'll take that steak.
52
00:02:54,940 --> 00:02:58,137
The hell you say?
Did you win World War II?
53
00:02:58,210 --> 00:03:01,373
- This rib eye is for my daddy.
- Cotton's coming?
54
00:03:03,048 --> 00:03:06,142
If I was you, Kahn,
I'd amscray before he gets here.
55
00:03:06,218 --> 00:03:09,619
Yeah, if he finds out you're from Japan,
you know...
56
00:03:09,688 --> 00:03:11,986
How many times I tell you, stupid?
57
00:03:12,057 --> 00:03:14,457
I'm Laotian!
58
00:03:14,860 --> 00:03:16,327
[Burping] U.
59
00:03:16,896 --> 00:03:18,363
[Burping] V.
60
00:03:19,832 --> 00:03:21,026
[Horn honking]
61
00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:25,527
[Cotton hollering]
62
00:03:25,604 --> 00:03:27,538
Happy birthday, Bobby!
63
00:03:27,606 --> 00:03:29,767
Dad, you crazy son of a gun.
64
00:03:29,842 --> 00:03:31,969
You really outdid yourself this time.
65
00:03:32,044 --> 00:03:34,740
Well, you know me. I'm larger than life.
66
00:03:38,884 --> 00:03:40,681
Where are its legs?
67
00:03:40,753 --> 00:03:42,380
What are you looking at, Moe?
68
00:03:42,454 --> 00:03:46,015
A Japanese machine gun
blew my shins off in WW II.
69
00:03:46,425 --> 00:03:47,687
So what?
70
00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:50,661
- You like that horse, Bobby?
- I love it, Grandpa.
71
00:03:50,729 --> 00:03:54,165
Well, you can love it for four more hours.
It's a rental.
72
00:03:54,233 --> 00:03:56,167
All right. Who wants the first ride?
73
00:03:56,235 --> 00:03:57,702
BILL: Me!
74
00:04:00,172 --> 00:04:01,400
Hey, Hank's wife.
75
00:04:01,473 --> 00:04:04,374
How long have you been here, Cotton?
I didn't notice you...
76
00:04:04,443 --> 00:04:07,071
Dee Dee, come on out here,
and gab with Hank's wife.
77
00:04:07,413 --> 00:04:08,675
Look here, Hank.
78
00:04:08,747 --> 00:04:11,545
What you think of your mama's
new ta-tas?
79
00:04:11,984 --> 00:04:15,818
She is not my mother.
Hell, we went to kindergarten together.
80
00:04:15,888 --> 00:04:17,150
Hey, Hank...
81
00:04:17,423 --> 00:04:18,617
do you still like...
82
00:04:18,857 --> 00:04:20,154
finger-painting?
83
00:04:20,559 --> 00:04:23,323
Everyone thinks your party's cool, Bobby.
84
00:04:23,596 --> 00:04:25,120
I'm having fun!
85
00:04:25,864 --> 00:04:27,764
Your wife divorced you.
86
00:04:34,139 --> 00:04:36,767
COTTON: Mr. Kahn, I'll have a mai tai.
87
00:04:36,842 --> 00:04:39,902
What you think? I work for Hank?
88
00:04:40,245 --> 00:04:42,543
Dad, this here's my new neighbor.
89
00:04:42,748 --> 00:04:44,272
He's Japanese.
90
00:04:44,350 --> 00:04:45,817
No, he ain't!
91
00:04:47,486 --> 00:04:50,614
He's Laotian. Ain't you, Mr. Kahn?
92
00:04:53,425 --> 00:04:56,189
All right. Time to open my gift.
93
00:04:58,931 --> 00:05:00,592
A Super Squirter!
94
00:05:00,733 --> 00:05:02,724
Super Squirter!
95
00:05:02,801 --> 00:05:05,099
It ain't no water toy, Mr. Kahn!
96
00:05:05,337 --> 00:05:08,568
It's a genuine Winchester
20-gauge shotgun!
97
00:05:08,674 --> 00:05:10,665
You got a real gun.
98
00:05:10,743 --> 00:05:13,007
No, and now Peggy Hill has a real gun.
99
00:05:13,078 --> 00:05:15,376
Bobby, you are too young
to own a firearm.
100
00:05:15,447 --> 00:05:19,247
Did you see that, Hank?
Tell your woman to give him back his gun!
101
00:05:19,318 --> 00:05:20,615
PEGGY: His woman?
102
00:05:20,686 --> 00:05:24,213
Oh, Cotton, I am my own woman.
And don't you forget it.
103
00:05:24,289 --> 00:05:27,554
Peg, that's just cowboy talk. Come on.
104
00:05:27,626 --> 00:05:30,094
Hey, let's go bust open that pinata!
105
00:05:30,162 --> 00:05:31,527
COTTON: Kill it, boy.
106
00:05:31,597 --> 00:05:33,189
Bash it! Bash it!
107
00:05:33,265 --> 00:05:35,096
COTTON: That's it!
PEGGY: Come on, Bobby.
108
00:05:35,167 --> 00:05:39,331
Hank, the boy can barely reach it.
Lower the pinata so he has a chance at it.
109
00:05:39,405 --> 00:05:40,770
Come on.
110
00:05:43,108 --> 00:05:45,076
COTTON: Oh! Crack it! Nail it!
111
00:05:46,345 --> 00:05:48,108
COTTON: Bash it! Bash it!
112
00:05:53,852 --> 00:05:55,319
COTTON: Kill it, boy!
113
00:05:56,689 --> 00:05:59,624
It must be made of kryptonite
or something.
114
00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:01,922
For crying out loud!
115
00:06:02,027 --> 00:06:05,258
Good Lord, Cotton.
You gave him a loaded shotgun?
116
00:06:05,330 --> 00:06:08,265
You don't give a toy without batteries.
117
00:06:08,667 --> 00:06:10,999
Come and get your Tootsie Rolls!
118
00:06:11,270 --> 00:06:15,001
Oh, I am so sorry your grandpa
ruined your birthday, son.
119
00:06:15,140 --> 00:06:17,608
He didn't ruin it. He made it fun.
120
00:06:17,676 --> 00:06:20,042
COTTON: Bobby, come on over here, boy!
121
00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:24,747
Take off them pink gloves.
That's woman's work.
122
00:06:24,817 --> 00:06:27,081
PEGGY: Leave him alone.
He's a good helper.
123
00:06:27,152 --> 00:06:29,382
Oh, whatever you say, Hillary.
124
00:06:32,024 --> 00:06:35,118
Cotton, I'll do the dishes. I like to.
125
00:06:35,194 --> 00:06:36,752
Permission granted!
126
00:06:36,829 --> 00:06:39,457
Put an apron over your new bosom, too.
127
00:06:39,698 --> 00:06:42,690
Don't tell her, but I got them cheap.
Both lefties!
128
00:06:43,168 --> 00:06:45,636
So, Bobby, what you gonna do
with your life?
129
00:06:45,704 --> 00:06:47,638
I'm gonna be a prop comic.
130
00:06:47,706 --> 00:06:51,506
I'm working on this bit
where I stick a green bean up my nose.
131
00:06:51,577 --> 00:06:53,408
Well, now that sounds promising.
132
00:06:53,479 --> 00:06:57,882
Hank, Bobby and me have decided
he's gonna stick vegetables up his nose.
133
00:06:58,016 --> 00:07:00,416
He's not gonna take over
the family gas station.
134
00:07:00,486 --> 00:07:03,046
Dad, I don't work at a gas station.
135
00:07:03,122 --> 00:07:05,522
I sell propane and propane accessories.
136
00:07:05,591 --> 00:07:06,990
Don't sass me, boy.
137
00:07:07,059 --> 00:07:09,584
You ain't too big
for me to give you a licking.
138
00:07:09,962 --> 00:07:11,691
Dad, you old skunk.
139
00:07:12,364 --> 00:07:14,628
Come on, grease monkey! Let's tangle!
140
00:07:15,667 --> 00:07:18,261
PEGGY: All right, Cotton.
You're breaking my good dishes.
141
00:07:18,337 --> 00:07:19,929
It's time for you to leave!
142
00:07:20,005 --> 00:07:20,994
ALL: Come on.
143
00:07:21,073 --> 00:07:23,769
PEGGY: Come on!
I will fix you a to-go plate.
144
00:07:24,376 --> 00:07:26,310
ALL: Bye.
PEGGY: Don't worry about the horse.
145
00:07:26,378 --> 00:07:29,438
If it comes back, we'll call the rental place.
146
00:07:29,581 --> 00:07:31,549
[Engine struggling]
147
00:07:31,917 --> 00:07:35,284
Damn, won't start.
I guess I'm not going anywhere.
148
00:07:35,354 --> 00:07:38,687
No. Just pop the hood.
Hank can fix it in a minute.
149
00:07:38,891 --> 00:07:42,622
Don't bother, Uncle Hank.
I can't hear the solenoid plunger.
150
00:07:42,694 --> 00:07:44,252
You're gonna need a new one.
151
00:07:44,329 --> 00:07:48,163
Thanks a lot, girlie.
But the truth is, you're a girl.
152
00:07:48,233 --> 00:07:51,669
We'll have to wait till your gas station
opens up in the morning.
153
00:07:51,737 --> 00:07:52,829
I'm staying over.
154
00:07:52,905 --> 00:07:55,339
I wish you could.
But we are all out of beds.
155
00:07:55,407 --> 00:07:57,136
I don't need a bed.
156
00:07:57,276 --> 00:08:00,973
I can sleep in a drawer,
after what they did to me overseas.
157
00:08:01,513 --> 00:08:03,378
I can sleep on the couch, Mom.
158
00:08:03,448 --> 00:08:06,747
- That'll be just fine. L...
- Excuse me for just a second.
159
00:08:06,819 --> 00:08:08,616
I do not want that ill-mannered...
160
00:08:08,687 --> 00:08:11,520
foul-mouthed old man to spend
another moment in my house.
161
00:08:11,590 --> 00:08:13,785
You just don't understand him.
162
00:08:13,859 --> 00:08:17,522
See, he's a big, flamboyant character,
like a peacock.
163
00:08:17,696 --> 00:08:19,254
That's why men love him.
164
00:08:19,331 --> 00:08:23,495
But women don't like his style,
because you all are like the peahen.
165
00:08:23,702 --> 00:08:25,761
More subdued and drab.
166
00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:29,967
You just cannot see your father
for who he is.
167
00:08:30,242 --> 00:08:32,710
Well, Bobby and I both want him to stay.
168
00:08:32,778 --> 00:08:34,336
That means you're outvoted.
169
00:08:34,413 --> 00:08:38,017
Oh, yeah? Well, Luanne hates him, too.
That means we're even.
170
00:08:38,150 --> 00:08:40,584
Well, Jesus loves him. So I win.
171
00:08:40,652 --> 00:08:42,517
What does that have to do with...
172
00:08:42,588 --> 00:08:44,613
Dad, we'd love it if you stayed.
173
00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:46,021
Well, all righty!
174
00:08:46,091 --> 00:08:48,616
Dee Dee, we're bunking here tonight.
175
00:08:50,396 --> 00:08:52,227
Mr. Kahn! My bags!
176
00:08:57,002 --> 00:08:59,800
COTTON: What do you say
I drive you to school today, Bobby?
177
00:08:59,872 --> 00:09:01,863
Hank, you fixed my car yet?
178
00:09:01,940 --> 00:09:03,271
I just woke up.
179
00:09:03,342 --> 00:09:05,503
Just... It's 7:00 a.m.
180
00:09:05,711 --> 00:09:08,805
If you were in the army,
you could've dug 10 graves by now!
181
00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:10,678
PEGGY: I hope you're all hungry.
182
00:09:10,749 --> 00:09:12,683
Good-Iooking breakfast, Peg.
183
00:09:12,751 --> 00:09:15,720
Yeah, I see bacon, I see ham.
184
00:09:16,088 --> 00:09:17,521
I see steak.
185
00:09:17,689 --> 00:09:21,318
Sausage! Where's my sausage?
There's no sausage!
186
00:09:21,393 --> 00:09:22,451
Well, Cotton!
187
00:09:22,528 --> 00:09:25,793
You are welcome to march yourself
down to the Safeway.
188
00:09:25,864 --> 00:09:28,264
But I have to get ready for work.
189
00:09:28,534 --> 00:09:32,026
See, Bobby?
Woman works, man loses his sausage.
190
00:09:32,704 --> 00:09:34,899
Cotton, I'd love to debate this with you...
191
00:09:34,973 --> 00:09:37,441
but I am just a little too busy living here...
192
00:09:37,509 --> 00:09:39,602
in the latter half of the 20th century.
193
00:09:39,678 --> 00:09:43,170
Dad, if you want to drive Bobby to school,
use my truck.
194
00:09:43,348 --> 00:09:45,873
I'll go rig up your pedal extenders.
195
00:09:46,585 --> 00:09:48,985
You're all skin and bones, girlie.
196
00:09:49,254 --> 00:09:51,779
Put some cornpone on them hips.
197
00:09:51,957 --> 00:09:53,686
I don't want any, Grandpa Hill.
198
00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:56,853
- Don't want to get fat.
- That's not for you to worry about.
199
00:09:56,929 --> 00:09:59,329
You will never know if you are attractive.
200
00:09:59,398 --> 00:10:01,389
It's up to a man to tell you that.
201
00:10:01,467 --> 00:10:04,493
You keep eating,
and I'll tell you when to stop.
202
00:10:04,570 --> 00:10:07,664
Touch me again, and you'll be wearing
that corn pone, old man.
203
00:10:07,806 --> 00:10:08,795
[Hollering]
204
00:10:08,941 --> 00:10:09,999
Feisty!
205
00:10:13,712 --> 00:10:17,148
You're sure it's okay for me
to be out of school today, Grandpa?
206
00:10:17,216 --> 00:10:19,411
Oh, yeah. It's a holiday, isn't it?
207
00:10:19,485 --> 00:10:21,783
It's Angie Dickinson's birthday.
208
00:10:21,854 --> 00:10:24,254
Now, why don't you order us some food?
209
00:10:24,323 --> 00:10:26,985
Really? Dad never lets me order.
210
00:10:27,092 --> 00:10:29,219
Well, you ain't with your daddy today.
211
00:10:29,294 --> 00:10:30,556
Go to it.
212
00:10:31,663 --> 00:10:32,687
[Clears throat]
213
00:10:32,764 --> 00:10:34,629
Excuse me, ma'am?
214
00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:36,424
Ma'am?
215
00:10:36,502 --> 00:10:38,129
Oh, good, sweet...
216
00:10:38,270 --> 00:10:40,397
You'll never get no service that way.
217
00:10:40,472 --> 00:10:42,997
You gotta get her in the moneymaker.
218
00:10:43,775 --> 00:10:45,208
Hey, Missy!
219
00:10:45,277 --> 00:10:47,302
How about some samiches?
220
00:10:48,013 --> 00:10:49,275
[Laughing]
221
00:10:52,284 --> 00:10:53,945
HANK: That's the dangdest thing.
222
00:10:54,019 --> 00:10:57,386
I never heard of a solenoid
just disappearing before.
223
00:10:57,623 --> 00:10:58,681
I don't know.
224
00:10:58,757 --> 00:11:02,193
Sometimes, things just disappear
for no logical reason.
225
00:11:02,528 --> 00:11:05,895
One day, my cousin woke up,
his kidney was gone.
226
00:11:06,198 --> 00:11:10,134
At the same time, 500 miles away...
227
00:11:10,469 --> 00:11:13,404
a woman in Phoenix contracted diabetes.
228
00:11:14,072 --> 00:11:16,006
I fixed it, Uncle Hank.
229
00:11:18,777 --> 00:11:20,074
[Engine starts]
230
00:11:20,145 --> 00:11:22,579
She purrs just like a dang old kitten.
231
00:11:22,648 --> 00:11:25,708
My dad sure knows how to take care
of his cars.
232
00:11:26,151 --> 00:11:30,485
When I was a baby, he had my mama
make me a chamois jumpsuit...
233
00:11:30,556 --> 00:11:34,959
and I used to crawl around on the hood
and buff it till it shined like Christmas.
234
00:11:35,027 --> 00:11:37,086
Your dad, I swear!
235
00:11:37,462 --> 00:11:40,920
How about when he took us down
to the Hotel Arlen?
236
00:11:41,867 --> 00:11:43,858
Remember that, Hank?
237
00:11:44,236 --> 00:11:45,828
[Piano playing]
238
00:11:48,173 --> 00:11:50,266
Hank, you won the big game.
239
00:11:50,576 --> 00:11:54,376
So I'm buying you
and your friends hookers.
240
00:11:54,713 --> 00:11:57,011
Now go on, boy.
Pick yourself out a live one.
241
00:11:57,082 --> 00:11:59,107
Hey there, Mr. Quarterback.
242
00:11:59,184 --> 00:12:00,173
[Shuddering]
243
00:12:00,819 --> 00:12:01,808
[Mild chuckle]
244
00:12:02,020 --> 00:12:05,217
Not every dad would do
something like that to his son.
245
00:12:05,290 --> 00:12:07,019
I mean, for his son.
246
00:12:10,028 --> 00:12:12,326
PEGGY: How's it coming with the car,
grease monkey?
247
00:12:12,397 --> 00:12:14,160
That's real funny, Peg.
248
00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:15,700
Look what I found.
249
00:12:15,767 --> 00:12:18,759
Wait! That's a solenoid.
Where'd you find that?
250
00:12:18,837 --> 00:12:23,433
In Cotton's room, wrapped in his little
bitty pants under a big pile of lies.
251
00:12:23,775 --> 00:12:26,835
Damn it!
I killed a whole day fixing that car.
252
00:12:26,912 --> 00:12:29,745
- I don't understand.
- What is to understand?
253
00:12:29,815 --> 00:12:32,340
Your father disfigured
his own automobile...
254
00:12:32,417 --> 00:12:34,977
just so he could stay here
and drive me crazy.
255
00:12:35,454 --> 00:12:38,514
Peggy, the poor guy just wants
to spend time with us.
256
00:12:38,757 --> 00:12:41,920
And you've made it so hard for him,
he's afraid to ask.
257
00:12:42,060 --> 00:12:43,755
You're right. It's my fault.
258
00:12:43,829 --> 00:12:47,060
Why didn't I serve that poor man
his sausage?
259
00:12:47,132 --> 00:12:50,067
What's the point in arguing?
The car is fixed now.
260
00:12:50,135 --> 00:12:51,966
He'll be out of here tonight.
261
00:12:52,037 --> 00:12:55,495
Aunt Peg, I found this timing belt
in the laundry.
262
00:12:55,574 --> 00:12:57,599
You want me to wash it with the darks?
263
00:12:58,477 --> 00:13:00,240
CHARLIE: Good morning, Angels.
264
00:13:00,312 --> 00:13:02,177
Do I have an assignment for you.
265
00:13:02,547 --> 00:13:03,878
ANGELS: Good morning, Charlie.
266
00:13:04,483 --> 00:13:05,745
Damn!
267
00:13:06,184 --> 00:13:07,947
It's a Shelley Hack!
268
00:13:08,020 --> 00:13:10,147
That's like getting a Shemp!
269
00:13:10,255 --> 00:13:12,519
What in the hell is going on here?
270
00:13:12,591 --> 00:13:14,058
Where are your pants?
271
00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:15,718
We were hot. Took them off.
272
00:13:15,794 --> 00:13:19,525
A man doesn't have to wear pants
around the house if he doesn't want to.
273
00:13:19,598 --> 00:13:21,793
What you got them
blue jeans on for, Hank?
274
00:13:21,867 --> 00:13:23,334
Let's go. Take them off.
275
00:13:23,402 --> 00:13:25,063
I don't want to take them off.
276
00:13:25,137 --> 00:13:27,628
Bobby, take your daddy's pants off.
277
00:13:28,106 --> 00:13:30,301
PEGGY: Okey-dokey, Cotton,
Hank fixed your car.
278
00:13:30,375 --> 00:13:32,843
I guess you'll be wanting to head back
right now.
279
00:13:32,911 --> 00:13:34,071
HANK: Peggy.
280
00:13:34,646 --> 00:13:38,810
Well, maybe we should think
about getting back, honey.
281
00:13:38,884 --> 00:13:41,512
What did you say? What did you say?
282
00:13:44,323 --> 00:13:47,053
Okay, now, what did you say, baby cakes?
283
00:13:47,159 --> 00:13:50,492
We can leave! Hank fixed the car!
284
00:13:50,595 --> 00:13:52,392
Actually, Luanne fixed it.
285
00:13:52,497 --> 00:13:53,862
[Laughing]
286
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:57,868
Oh, that's a good one, Hank's wife.
287
00:13:57,936 --> 00:13:59,733
A woman fixing a car.
288
00:13:59,905 --> 00:14:02,339
That's like a pig trying to read.
289
00:14:02,407 --> 00:14:03,931
- Pig?
- Yeah.
290
00:14:05,344 --> 00:14:08,040
Well, I guess you can go home now, Dad.
291
00:14:08,180 --> 00:14:09,977
No, I don't think so.
292
00:14:10,148 --> 00:14:12,878
We're gonna stick around
a few more days.
293
00:14:12,984 --> 00:14:14,747
DEE DEE: Suppertime, Colonel.
294
00:14:15,654 --> 00:14:17,383
You forgot my beer.
295
00:14:17,889 --> 00:14:20,824
Go on. Get me my beer, woman.
296
00:14:21,259 --> 00:14:24,194
Mom, I'll take my dinner in here, too.
297
00:14:24,262 --> 00:14:27,288
Bobby, you will not.
We eat our dinner in the kitchen.
298
00:14:27,366 --> 00:14:28,958
Boy wants his dinner in here.
299
00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:31,127
Well, we eat in the kitchen.
300
00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:33,398
- Here!
- Kitchen!
301
00:14:33,472 --> 00:14:36,373
Hank, for God's sake,
I need a little support here.
302
00:14:36,575 --> 00:14:38,099
Well, Peggy...
303
00:14:38,610 --> 00:14:41,841
it might be nice, for a change,
to have dinner...
304
00:14:41,913 --> 00:14:44,507
in front of the TV.
305
00:14:44,583 --> 00:14:47,279
Go on, woman, get me my dinner.
306
00:14:50,255 --> 00:14:54,658
I don't know where you got the idea
you could slap your mother's behind.
307
00:14:54,926 --> 00:14:58,089
I'll tell you where he got the idea.
Your father.
308
00:14:58,163 --> 00:15:00,757
And it's your fault
for not nipping it in the bud.
309
00:15:00,832 --> 00:15:03,392
What do you want me to do?
I can't change my father.
310
00:15:03,468 --> 00:15:05,936
He certainly won't
listen to me, now, will he?
311
00:15:06,004 --> 00:15:08,996
You're both men.
You're both peacocks. Remember?
312
00:15:09,074 --> 00:15:11,804
What, are you turning into
some kind of feminist?
313
00:15:11,877 --> 00:15:13,902
I am not a feminist, Hank.
314
00:15:13,979 --> 00:15:18,040
I am Peggy Hill,
a citizen of the Republic of Texas.
315
00:15:18,116 --> 00:15:20,949
I work hard, I sweat hard, and I love hard.
316
00:15:21,019 --> 00:15:23,681
I gotta smell good and look pretty
while I'm doing it.
317
00:15:23,755 --> 00:15:27,486
So I comb my hair,
I reapply lipstick 30 times a day.
318
00:15:27,559 --> 00:15:31,017
I do your dishes, I wash your clothes,
and I clean the house.
319
00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:32,688
Not because I have to, Hank...
320
00:15:32,764 --> 00:15:35,062
but because of a mutual,
unspoken agreement...
321
00:15:35,133 --> 00:15:38,933
that I have never brought up,
because I am too much of a lady.
322
00:15:39,337 --> 00:15:40,861
Thirty times a day?
323
00:15:42,207 --> 00:15:43,674
Yeah, I like it here.
324
00:15:43,742 --> 00:15:46,111
What kind of work can a guy
get in this town?
325
00:15:47,011 --> 00:15:50,242
- Are you allergic to asbestos?
- Hell, no.
326
00:15:50,315 --> 00:15:51,304
HANK: Hey, Dad.
327
00:15:51,382 --> 00:15:53,782
Hey, it if ain't the old grease monkey.
328
00:15:53,852 --> 00:15:57,117
All right, Dad, I need to talk to you
about some of the things...
329
00:15:57,188 --> 00:15:58,678
you've been telling Bobby.
330
00:15:58,756 --> 00:16:01,520
I've been telling Bobby a lot of things.
For example...
331
00:16:01,593 --> 00:16:04,892
I told him how I lost my shins
defending our country.
332
00:16:04,963 --> 00:16:07,397
- You want to hear that story, fatty?
- Sir, yes, sir!
333
00:16:07,465 --> 00:16:09,365
HANK: Bill, I'm trying to talk to my...
334
00:16:09,434 --> 00:16:12,267
I was 14. Just a little older than Bobby.
335
00:16:12,337 --> 00:16:16,535
But I knew Uncle Sam needed me.
So I lied and signed up.
336
00:16:16,608 --> 00:16:17,836
[Patriotic instrumental music]
337
00:16:17,909 --> 00:16:20,104
And we had beat them Nazis in Italy.
338
00:16:20,178 --> 00:16:22,942
Then they shipped us
to the Pacific Theater.
339
00:16:23,014 --> 00:16:26,506
A Tojo torpedo sent our troop ship
to the bottom.
340
00:16:26,784 --> 00:16:29,048
I could only save three of my buddies.
341
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:32,089
Fatty, Stinky, and Brooklyn.
342
00:16:32,157 --> 00:16:35,490
They were like you fellows,
only one of them was from Brooklyn.
343
00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:39,894
Out of the sun came a Tojo Zero
and put 50 bullets in my back.
344
00:16:40,899 --> 00:16:42,992
The blood attracted sharks.
345
00:16:43,168 --> 00:16:45,261
I had to give them Fatty.
346
00:16:46,437 --> 00:16:48,428
Then things took a turn for the worse.
347
00:16:48,506 --> 00:16:50,440
I made it to an island.
348
00:16:50,508 --> 00:16:52,499
But it was full of Tojos!
349
00:16:52,744 --> 00:16:55,076
They were spitting on the US flag.
350
00:16:55,146 --> 00:16:57,944
So I rushed them. But it was a trap.
351
00:16:58,016 --> 00:17:00,951
They opened fire and blew my shins off.
352
00:17:02,654 --> 00:17:07,489
Last thing I remember, I beat them
all to death with a big piece of Fatty.
353
00:17:08,026 --> 00:17:10,085
I woke up in a field hospital.
354
00:17:10,161 --> 00:17:12,891
And they were sewing my feet
to my knees.
355
00:17:14,032 --> 00:17:18,128
Now what was it you wanted to talk
to me about, Hank?
356
00:17:18,770 --> 00:17:19,759
[Sighs]
357
00:17:20,238 --> 00:17:21,227
Well...
358
00:17:21,940 --> 00:17:23,567
nothing, I guess.
359
00:17:29,314 --> 00:17:31,612
BOBBY: You've had enough cake, Kahny.
360
00:17:31,916 --> 00:17:33,213
What are you doing?
361
00:17:33,284 --> 00:17:36,378
A man's gotta tell a woman
when to stop eating.
362
00:17:36,554 --> 00:17:38,818
You're looking kind of chunky.
363
00:17:39,490 --> 00:17:42,425
She's moody. Must be PBS.
364
00:17:45,296 --> 00:17:48,493
Let's go, I gotta see a man about a horse.
365
00:17:48,933 --> 00:17:51,060
Bobby, don't forget to bus your tray.
366
00:17:51,970 --> 00:17:55,235
That's woman's work.
Ain't that right, fellas?
367
00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:57,107
Women's work!
368
00:17:57,475 --> 00:17:59,875
Women's work! Women's work!
369
00:17:59,944 --> 00:18:02,811
BOYS: Women's work! Women's work!
370
00:18:03,047 --> 00:18:04,844
[Children shouting]
371
00:18:08,886 --> 00:18:10,854
Well, she's got a point.
372
00:18:10,955 --> 00:18:12,718
But he's a war hero.
373
00:18:13,658 --> 00:18:15,148
She's my wife.
374
00:18:15,393 --> 00:18:17,258
But he's got no shins.
375
00:18:18,062 --> 00:18:19,051
MAN: Uh...
376
00:18:19,163 --> 00:18:21,654
I'm just trying to get a little propane here.
377
00:18:21,733 --> 00:18:22,722
[Phone ringing]
378
00:18:23,468 --> 00:18:24,730
Strickland Propane.
379
00:18:24,802 --> 00:18:28,169
Bobby was sent home from school
for starting a sexist riot today.
380
00:18:28,239 --> 00:18:30,730
What? I'm coming home right now.
381
00:18:30,842 --> 00:18:32,901
Well, you're just a little too late...
382
00:18:32,977 --> 00:18:35,605
because the devil took Bobby
off to the Hotel Arlen.
383
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:37,113
Hotel Arlen?
384
00:18:43,921 --> 00:18:47,550
Bobby, I'm proud of you
for what you did at school today.
385
00:18:48,493 --> 00:18:50,188
So, I'm buying you a hooker.
386
00:18:50,261 --> 00:18:52,593
Go ahead, pick yourself out a live one.
387
00:18:52,664 --> 00:18:54,325
A live one what?
388
00:18:54,766 --> 00:18:57,064
Hey, cutie, you got papers?
389
00:19:01,539 --> 00:19:03,666
Bobby, get over here now!
390
00:19:03,908 --> 00:19:05,341
But Grandpa said I could...
391
00:19:05,410 --> 00:19:08,345
Bobby, you heard your mother.
Get over there.
392
00:19:08,446 --> 00:19:10,038
What are you saying, Hank?
393
00:19:10,114 --> 00:19:12,241
Are you siding with your woman?
394
00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:15,650
Look at me, son. Look at my shins!
395
00:19:16,154 --> 00:19:19,783
Look, Dad, I'm sorry about Fatty
and your shins...
396
00:19:19,857 --> 00:19:21,722
but I'm not a kid anymore.
397
00:19:21,793 --> 00:19:23,385
Bobby is my boy.
398
00:19:23,561 --> 00:19:27,190
And I won't let him grow up
to be a woman-hating old fool.
399
00:19:27,398 --> 00:19:30,663
No wonder Mom left you.
She was a strong lady.
400
00:19:30,735 --> 00:19:32,726
Classy and smart, like Peg.
401
00:19:32,804 --> 00:19:35,466
Maybe you couldn't handle that, but I can.
402
00:19:35,540 --> 00:19:38,236
My marriage is a partnership of equals.
403
00:19:38,509 --> 00:19:40,534
Peggy might do all the housework...
404
00:19:40,611 --> 00:19:43,580
but there are a lot of other things
that I'm supposed to do.
405
00:19:43,648 --> 00:19:47,379
But I'm not gonna say what they are,
because I'm a gentleman.
406
00:19:47,485 --> 00:19:50,181
Oh, I get it. She's making you say this.
407
00:19:50,455 --> 00:19:51,979
You're just her puppet.
408
00:19:52,056 --> 00:19:54,889
No, Dad, I'm saying all this
because I mean it.
409
00:19:54,959 --> 00:19:57,189
Dee Dee's out in the car. I had her pack up.
410
00:19:57,261 --> 00:19:59,559
It's time for you to head home.
411
00:19:59,997 --> 00:20:00,986
Well.
412
00:20:01,966 --> 00:20:06,596
I never thought I'd see the day
when my own son would stop loving me.
413
00:20:13,044 --> 00:20:15,638
It's about time!
414
00:20:15,813 --> 00:20:17,838
Love's for sissies!
415
00:20:17,915 --> 00:20:20,748
Ain't that right, you house full of hookers?
416
00:20:20,818 --> 00:20:22,809
WOMAN: Would you listen to that man?
417
00:20:22,887 --> 00:20:25,856
All right, hookers, listen up.
I'll be back next year...
418
00:20:25,923 --> 00:20:28,414
so don't be jacking up your prices.
419
00:20:28,659 --> 00:20:31,856
I'll be staying over at Hank Hill's home.
420
00:20:33,765 --> 00:20:36,666
Bobby, you gotta try and forget
all that gobbledygook...
421
00:20:36,734 --> 00:20:38,258
your grandpa told you.
422
00:20:38,336 --> 00:20:40,497
You listen to your mother.
She knows best.
423
00:20:40,571 --> 00:20:43,597
But she's a woman.
How could she know better than Grandpa?
424
00:20:43,674 --> 00:20:46,973
Well, because she's a lot smarter
than him, for one.
425
00:20:47,278 --> 00:20:51,339
Your mother's probably got a better head
on her shoulders than anybody in Arlen.
426
00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:53,509
Better than Bill? Or Dale?
427
00:20:53,751 --> 00:20:54,843
Or Boomhauer?
428
00:20:54,919 --> 00:20:58,650
Jeez, Bobby, why not compare her
to a baboon in the zoo?
429
00:20:58,723 --> 00:21:00,884
But I thought they were your best friends.
430
00:21:00,958 --> 00:21:03,085
Peggy's my best friend, son.
431
00:21:03,161 --> 00:21:04,890
- Mom?
- That's right.
432
00:21:04,962 --> 00:21:08,227
And when you're older,
I hope you're lucky enough to find a girl...
433
00:21:08,299 --> 00:21:09,891
to be best friends with, too.
434
00:21:10,034 --> 00:21:12,127
You think that'll really happen to me?
435
00:21:12,203 --> 00:21:16,003
It won't if you keep slapping them
in the butt and ordering them around.
436
00:21:16,073 --> 00:21:19,201
You'll do okay.
You just have to remember one thing.
437
00:21:19,277 --> 00:21:22,644
Women were not put on this earth
to serve you and me.
438
00:21:23,347 --> 00:21:26,043
Now what do you say
we get an ice cream?
439
00:21:26,184 --> 00:21:28,243
[1950s instrumental music]
440
00:21:39,730 --> 00:21:41,664
[Theme music]
441
00:21:42,305 --> 00:22:42,892
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