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Who are the real-world Illuminati ?
Find out @ saveanilluminati.com
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HANK: This grout is supposed
to stay white for 20 years.
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What's it been? 17, 18?
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HANK: Peggy, where's that receipt?
LUANNE: Uncle Hank!
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Don't you know not to barge in
here when I'm in the shower?
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For goodness sakes, Hank,
you are fully clothed.
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This time!
Next time, I might not be so lucky.
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Just look at Ladybird.
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HANK: Ladybird, didn't Luanne
make you look pretty?
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Pretty dog. Who's a pretty dog?
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Get that stuff off of her.
She looks like Fran Drescher.
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I didn't put it on.
Your dog ate all my cruelty-free makeups.
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Honey, calm down.
If she tries it again, you just give her...
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a little tap on the fanny
with a rolled-up newspaper.
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I spent extra money to buy cruelty-free!
I'll do a lot more than "tap" her!
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JOSEPH: I found a spark plug.
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BOBBY: Great! Now all we need
are five more of those...
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an engine, four wheels,
some kind of frame...
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and a cassette radio,
and we got our death cart!
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Hey, look what I found.
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A Manitoba 100.
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"The official cigarette of...
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"of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police."
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Wow!
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I never had one of those.
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You ever had any cigarette?
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Well, no. How about you?
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Only secondhand from my dad.
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You wanna spark it?
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BOYS: Now! Now!
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BOBBY: Quick! Pull the knob!
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Is someone in there? Is this john occupied?
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BOBBY: Si.
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Bobby? Is that you?
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PEGGY: Do you want to lose a lung?
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I thought those were the ingredients.
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PEGGY: Do not be a smart mouth,
young man! I gave up smoking...
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so you'd be free of birth defects,
and this is how you repay me?
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Yeah! You don't know
how hard it is to quit!
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Your mother and I
went through hell trying to...
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Hey, don't recline-o-mite
while I'm talking to you!
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PEGGY: Bobby, smoking is
a nasty, filthy habit!
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Only trailer trash smoke nowadays!
Do you want to look like trailer trash?
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That's not fair! I don't smoke!
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PEGGY: Luanne!
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Lord. Hank, you finish this.
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Honey, you are not trash.
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Just 'cause you grew up in a trailer
and your mama's in prison...
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All right, Joe Camel,
you wanna smoke, let's go smoke.
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HANK: Now look here,
you are gonna smoke this entire carton.
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I thought you said
you didn't want me to smoke anymore.
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HANK: Oh, this'll take care of that,
believe me.
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I wish my daddy had had the parenting
skills to do this for me, I tell you what.
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Start puffing, boy.
We gotta get through 200 of these.
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Joseph, I understand you smoked
your first cigarette today.
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I'm sorry, Dad. I'll never smoke again.
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Whoa! Hold on, son!
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I want you to keep an open mind,
so you can make an informed decision.
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If you want, you can read a bloated
government report on smoking...
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or go straight to the horse's mouth and
get the facts from the tobacco industry!
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For God sakes, Bobby,
what nationality are you?
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American.
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Then why are you holding your cigarette...
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like some kind of European Nazi
in a movie?
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Why does it matter?
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That's not the right sort of attitude
for you to have.
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Whatever you do, you should do right,
even if it's something wrong.
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Okay.
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HANK: No, I said American.
Here, let me show you.
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That is not how to inhale, Bobby.
You're hot-boxing it.
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You gotta inhale slow.
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You see?
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Slow like that.
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BOBBY: Okay.
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Wait a minute.
Let me show you one more time.
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Yep, no two ways about it.
Smoking is a filthy, disgusting habit.
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How come you smoked?
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Well, it wasn't as bad for you back then.
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Wow!
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Pretty keen, huh?
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The trick is
to get your thumb under the filter.
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But, of course, smoking is wrong...
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so you'll have to try this
with a dowel or something.
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Come on. Only one pack left.
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I think I'm gonna barf.
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That's what I wanted to hear.
Good job, son.
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When you're finished,
you wanna get that with a hose?
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You see, raising a boy
is like fixing a radiator.
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You don't talk it into working right...
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you have to take it out back
and flush it clean.
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What's wrong, Hank?
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Why do you always ask me that?
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What's wrong with you?
How does that sound, for a change?
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Well, I just asked you once.
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Is it about Bobby and that cigarette today?
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No, I took care of that.
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I made him smoke a whole carton until
he was as sick as he's ever been in his life.
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Hank Hill!
What on God's earth were you thinking?
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He's just a little boy.
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You stunt his growth,
he will stay that way!
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Peggy, it's late. I'm tired.
Let's just go to sleep.
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Okay.
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HANK: I gotta go do some stuff.
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I think I might have left the blender on.
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Hey there, Enrique.
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Sorry, Mr. Hill.
I know I'm not supposed to be smoking.
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Hell, what's a rule for,
if you can't break it once in a while?
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And times got hard
after NAFTA sent the pinata jobs north.
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That's quite a story, Enrique.
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I like stories.
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I like stories about pinatas.
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In fact, I like everything you have to say.
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Let's me and you visit
your hometown sometime...
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the way you had
the courtesy to come see mine.
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I'd be honored for you to meet my family.
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And I'd be honored for you to meet my...
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Oh, no! My wife!
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Hi, Hank.
Honey, can you take a lunch break?
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Sure.
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How do you like that?
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Is your heart racing?
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Are you upset?
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Now you know how I feel
when you eat my make-ups!
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For heaven's sake! That flesh-eating virus
has claimed another victim.
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Don't let it worry you, Peggy.
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Sometimes you just gotta relax...
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and enjoy life for all its rich, mellow flavor.
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Hank! What are you doing?
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Well...
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Bobby vomited with one pack to go.
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I couldn't throw 'em out.
That would be wasteful.
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But we haven't smoked for 12 years.
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I know, but, well...
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Hey, doesn't the smell take you back?
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Hey, wait a minute.
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PEGGY: Hank.
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PEGGY: That's right.
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That feels like what? A hundred years ago.
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It doesn't have to.
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Shouldn't we be getting home?
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No, Hank. Let's just stay a moment longer.
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HANK: Oh, boy!
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I feel so alive with pleasure!
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Fine day, isn't it, boy?
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Hank, there is a tile in the bathroom...
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that I think we missed.
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Really? Well, I better check that out.
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Well, I found the "tile."
Thank you very much, Peggy.
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And I looked at it...
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but there's still some more "tile"
for you to look at.
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You know, I think I will save
the rest of my "tile" for after breakfast.
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Will you stop talking
about your stupid tile?
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If it's so dirty, go clean it!
And if it's clean, you can shut up!
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Hey, I've got an idea!
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Let's go eat at that place
we used to go when we smoked...
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with the jazz combo.
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- Smokey's?
- Yeah, that's the one.
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Yep.
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Yep.
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Yep.
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Mmm. Hmm.
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Hey, man, y'all put that dang old thing out!
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Y'all gonna light up like that, man,
it'll treat y'all like a dang old junkie!
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Go messing up my head with that dang
old secondary nicotine like that, man.
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Oh, Hank, I thought you gave that up.
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Welcome back, friend!
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I knew this day would come!
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Dale, get off of me.
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Yep, same old Smokey's.
Place hasn't changed a bit.
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Where is old Smokey?
We would love to say hi.
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Smokey's no longer with us.
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I am so sorry.
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It's for the best, darlin'.
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Those last few years
when it spread to his bones...
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Smoking or non-smoking?
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Smoking.
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208
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What's going on in here?
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PEGGY: What're you doing with that
cigarette? You'll burn the house down!
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Hey, all right! You guys smoke, too?
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00:14:02,073 --> 00:14:06,271
What we do is none of your business!
I told you not to smoke!
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Do I have to take you out back
with another carton of cigarettes?
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I think you do.
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00:14:11,983 --> 00:14:14,679
I cannot believe that you're all smoking!
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00:14:14,753 --> 00:14:18,553
Don't you know that
more people die of smoking than die...
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00:14:18,957 --> 00:14:21,926
of war in Vietnam every day?
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00:14:21,993 --> 00:14:25,690
I'm begging you, put out your cigarettes,
and keep them out!
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00:14:26,097 --> 00:14:27,587
She's right, Hank.
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00:14:27,665 --> 00:14:31,032
How can we expect Bobby to quit
when we won't?
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We're the adults.
We have to set an example.
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BOBBY: Hey, that's my rug.
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HANK: No one said it was
gonna be easy, son.
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00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:48,579
LEADER: Future non-smokers,
take a look to your left.
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00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:52,691
Now take a look to your right.
Who do you see?
227
00:14:52,925 --> 00:14:55,917
Don't be shy.
There are no wrong answers here.
228
00:14:56,095 --> 00:14:58,427
MAN: I see a caring human being?
LEADER: No.
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00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:01,791
You see your buddies for a better life!
230
00:15:02,167 --> 00:15:05,864
I've got the strangest feeling
someone's gonna kick his ass.
231
00:15:05,938 --> 00:15:08,839
Come on, Hank.
Will you just give it a chance?
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00:15:08,907 --> 00:15:11,603
BILL: Yes, buddy. Give it a chance.
233
00:15:12,077 --> 00:15:14,272
Bill, what are you doing here?
234
00:15:14,346 --> 00:15:17,941
Well, I know you think of me
as a pretty together guy...
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00:15:18,017 --> 00:15:20,144
but sometimes I need a little help.
236
00:15:20,219 --> 00:15:23,814
Just six nights a week for 20 years.
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LEADER: Looks like someone
found a buddy!
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00:15:25,791 --> 00:15:29,318
Hey, there. Tell us your name
and how long you've been smoking.
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00:15:30,062 --> 00:15:31,529
I'd rather not.
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00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:35,328
I understand.
It's not easy to admit we're weak.
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00:15:35,401 --> 00:15:39,201
You're calling me weak?
Look at your little birdie arms!
242
00:15:39,271 --> 00:15:42,638
They're no thicker than a cigarette!
I could smoke them little arms!
243
00:15:42,708 --> 00:15:44,642
Come on, Dad. Open up.
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00:15:45,577 --> 00:15:47,169
Is this your son?
245
00:15:47,246 --> 00:15:50,181
It's beautiful how you came out
to support your daddy.
246
00:15:50,249 --> 00:15:51,682
I'm a smoker, too.
247
00:15:52,551 --> 00:15:55,748
Oh, no! How long have you been
addicted to cigarettes?
248
00:15:55,821 --> 00:15:58,722
Since my dad let me smoke a whole carton.
249
00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:00,782
250
00:16:01,260 --> 00:16:05,697
Wait a minute. I didn't "let" him,
I made him. It was a punishment.
251
00:16:06,632 --> 00:16:09,396
- Can I get a new buddy?
- What is wrong with him?
252
00:16:09,468 --> 00:16:12,767
You are sick, sir! You shouldn't be allowed
to have children!
253
00:16:12,838 --> 00:16:17,332
Now, hold on a minute here. I didn't
bring my family here to be yelled at.
254
00:16:17,776 --> 00:16:19,869
I don't think I like this club.
255
00:16:19,945 --> 00:16:22,914
You all whine too much,
and the coffee's bad.
256
00:16:23,115 --> 00:16:26,573
I tell you what you need to do,
you need to take a 13th step...
257
00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:28,415
down off your high horse!
258
00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:29,579
BILL: Yeah!
259
00:16:35,127 --> 00:16:38,824
Here's to three of the bravest individuals
in all of Arlen!
260
00:16:39,398 --> 00:16:41,958
To the Hills, and their tobacco-free future!
261
00:16:42,034 --> 00:16:44,264
My God! Are you still talking?
262
00:16:44,570 --> 00:16:48,802
Why's my potato got skin on it? I hate skin!
263
00:16:48,874 --> 00:16:52,435
I will not sit here
and have my work insulted!
264
00:16:52,511 --> 00:16:57,073
What? Do you think that potatoes
fly into the bowl and mash themselves?
265
00:16:57,149 --> 00:17:00,346
LUANNE: I know y'all don't mean
none of those harsh words.
266
00:17:00,652 --> 00:17:02,711
It's just the nicotine withdrawal.
267
00:17:02,788 --> 00:17:04,983
Why is she still talking?
268
00:17:05,591 --> 00:17:08,059
269
00:17:10,829 --> 00:17:11,853
270
00:17:11,930 --> 00:17:12,988
Oh, my God!
271
00:17:13,065 --> 00:17:14,123
LUANNE: Drop it.
272
00:17:14,199 --> 00:17:15,689
Drop. Drop it.
273
00:17:20,539 --> 00:17:22,837
Bobby, Hank, hold on. I got it.
274
00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:31,311
When's this thing supposed to kick in?
It's not working!
275
00:17:31,383 --> 00:17:32,816
It's broken!
276
00:17:34,219 --> 00:17:36,312
Bobby, the patch goes on your shoulder!
277
00:17:36,388 --> 00:17:38,151
Bobby!
278
00:17:38,424 --> 00:17:39,823
279
00:17:42,094 --> 00:17:44,289
HANK: Bobby, spit it out! Spit it out!
280
00:17:44,363 --> 00:17:46,797
PEGGY: Hank, you hold him,
I'll go get a stick!
281
00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:49,930
282
00:17:55,140 --> 00:17:56,573
283
00:17:56,642 --> 00:17:59,042
I wasn't gonna smoke it, I swear.
284
00:17:59,144 --> 00:18:00,873
I know. You did it.
285
00:18:01,647 --> 00:18:04,343
Good boy. Here's your treat.
286
00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:07,650
Bobby! Aunt Peg! Come in here!
287
00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:12,047
Uncle Hank's clean. He's gonna be okay.
288
00:18:12,124 --> 00:18:14,854
Oh, yeah? Good job. Well done. So proud.
289
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:18,385
Let's celebrate. I'll make an icebox cake.
290
00:18:18,464 --> 00:18:20,455
Bobby, why don't you...
291
00:18:20,599 --> 00:18:21,588
Hey...
292
00:18:22,067 --> 00:18:23,796
Where's Aunt Peggy?
293
00:18:24,136 --> 00:18:25,933
The cigarette's gone!
294
00:18:26,205 --> 00:18:27,968
BOBBY: Mom!
295
00:18:28,740 --> 00:18:29,934
I found her.
296
00:18:30,008 --> 00:18:33,034
PEGGY: Close the damn door!
Can't you see that I am knitting?
297
00:18:33,111 --> 00:18:35,739
BOBBY: Mom, hand over the cigarette!
298
00:18:35,881 --> 00:18:36,905
No!
299
00:18:36,982 --> 00:18:40,042
Mom, this is not your son.
This is your buddy.
300
00:18:40,118 --> 00:18:42,143
PEGGY: No!
BOBBY: Hand it over!
301
00:18:42,754 --> 00:18:45,245
Who's your buddy? Who's your buddy?
302
00:18:46,859 --> 00:18:48,486
LUANNE: Well done, Bobby.
303
00:18:49,061 --> 00:18:51,996
- Hey, wait a minute!
- Give me that. I'm your mother!
304
00:18:52,064 --> 00:18:53,793
All of you, just stop it!
305
00:18:53,866 --> 00:18:55,333
Give me that!
306
00:18:55,601 --> 00:18:59,128
You want the cigarette?
You want it so bad?
307
00:18:59,638 --> 00:19:02,072
Come and get it! Come on!
308
00:19:02,174 --> 00:19:03,368
309
00:19:03,442 --> 00:19:06,434
HANK: Hey! Out of there!
What are you doing, Luanne?
310
00:19:06,512 --> 00:19:08,605
PEGGY: Unlock this door right now!
311
00:19:08,814 --> 00:19:12,375
I'm crating y'all in like an unruly dog!
312
00:19:12,851 --> 00:19:15,376
I am sick of dysfunctional families!
313
00:19:15,454 --> 00:19:18,912
I came from one,
and I'm not gonna let it happen to you!
314
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:21,619
Function! Function, damn you!
315
00:19:23,428 --> 00:19:24,417
Okay.
316
00:19:24,663 --> 00:19:28,394
Women and children first.
I take the first puff.
317
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:31,196
Bobby here gets the second.
318
00:19:32,070 --> 00:19:34,300
If there's anything left, you!
319
00:19:34,373 --> 00:19:38,332
Who are you trying to kid?
We all know there won't be anything left.
320
00:19:38,410 --> 00:19:41,868
Let's you and me split it, Peg.
It'll be romantic.
321
00:19:42,281 --> 00:19:45,842
You know, like the old days,
before he came along!
322
00:19:46,118 --> 00:19:50,851
Mama, it's your son.
Nine months inside, remember?
323
00:19:51,290 --> 00:19:53,383
Those were good times, too!
324
00:19:53,458 --> 00:19:54,482
I don't know.
325
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:56,892
This is happening too fast.
I just don't know.
326
00:19:56,962 --> 00:19:58,452
I do. Come on, Bobby.
327
00:19:58,530 --> 00:20:01,522
You and me can take her.
You go high, I'll go low.
328
00:20:01,833 --> 00:20:03,266
Hey, back off!
329
00:20:03,335 --> 00:20:06,065
PEGGY: I will drop it! I will! I will drop this!
330
00:20:06,238 --> 00:20:07,500
331
00:20:10,876 --> 00:20:11,900
No!
332
00:20:12,077 --> 00:20:13,738
333
00:20:15,847 --> 00:20:18,611
Well, look at us. At each other's throats.
334
00:20:18,684 --> 00:20:20,982
And after all we've been through!
335
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:23,521
This family has survived
fires and twisters...
336
00:20:23,589 --> 00:20:26,956
and every strain of flu
the Orient could throw at us!
337
00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:30,517
Well, we are not gonna be done in
by a lousy tobacco leaf!
338
00:20:30,596 --> 00:20:33,030
We are gonna make it! Together!
339
00:20:33,098 --> 00:20:36,261
Now, who's with me?
Hands in the center! Come on!
340
00:20:36,768 --> 00:20:39,464
341
00:20:51,850 --> 00:20:53,784
342
00:20:59,424 --> 00:21:00,982
343
00:21:09,501 --> 00:21:10,763
Oh, Hank.
344
00:21:10,969 --> 00:21:11,936
I know.
345
00:21:12,004 --> 00:21:15,201
Isn't it the most beautiful day
you've ever seen?
346
00:21:15,974 --> 00:21:18,135
What a day to be alive!
347
00:21:21,947 --> 00:21:24,541
BOBBY: Hey, Dad! Over here!
HANK: Go deep, Bobby!
348
00:21:25,283 --> 00:21:27,114
LUANNE: Hey, Bobby! Over here!
349
00:21:27,786 --> 00:21:29,117
HANK: All right.
350
00:21:29,187 --> 00:21:30,552
PEGGY: Me! Me, now!
351
00:21:30,622 --> 00:21:32,249
HANK: Over here, Peggy!
352
00:21:32,324 --> 00:21:33,348
HANK: Okay.
353
00:21:39,964 --> 00:21:41,226
354
00:21:41,299 --> 00:21:43,733
Y'all listen up, man.
This is Boomhauer.
355
00:21:43,801 --> 00:21:46,736
This is your lungs on air.
This is your lungs on smoke.
356
00:21:46,838 --> 00:21:48,237
See the difference, man?
357
00:21:48,306 --> 00:21:51,742
It'll stunt your growth all over.
End up in a dang old hospital bed...
358
00:21:51,809 --> 00:21:55,472
like Morton Downey Jr.,
Robert Downey Jr., or even worse, man.
359
00:21:55,546 --> 00:21:57,912
Y'all talk about oral gratification.
360
00:21:57,982 --> 00:22:01,076
All that dang. It's gonna give you
a low sperm count, man.
361
00:22:01,152 --> 00:22:02,881
Give you ear hair, yo.
362
00:22:02,954 --> 00:22:04,854
It just ain't no good.
363
00:22:05,305 --> 00:23:05,231
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