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HANK: This grout is supposed to stay white for 20 years.
What's it been? 17, 18?
HANK: Peggy, where's that receipt? LUANNE: Uncle Hank!
Don't you know not to barge in here when I'm in the shower?
For goodness sakes, Hank, you are fully clothed.
This time! Next time, I might not be so lucky.
Just look at Ladybird.
HANK: Ladybird, didn't Luanne make you look pretty?
Pretty dog. Who's a pretty dog?
Get that stuff off of her. She looks like Fran Drescher.
I didn't put it on. Your dog ate all my cruelty-free makeups.
Honey, calm down. If she tries it again, you just give her...
a little tap on the fanny with a rolled-up newspaper.
I spent extra money to buy cruelty-free! I'll do a lot more than "tap" her!
JOSEPH: I found a spark plug.
BOBBY: Great! Now all we need are five more of those...
an engine, four wheels, some kind of frame...
and a cassette radio, and we got our death cart!
Hey, look what I found.
A Manitoba 100.
"The official cigarette of...
"of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police."
Wow!
I never had one of those.
You ever had any cigarette?
Well, no. How about you?
Only secondhand from my dad.
You wanna spark it?
BOYS: Now! Now!
BOBBY: Quick! Pull the knob!
Is someone in there? Is this john occupied?
BOBBY: Si.
Bobby? Is that you?
PEGGY: Do you want to lose a lung?
I thought those were the ingredients.
PEGGY: Do not be a smart mouth, young man! I gave up smoking...
so you'd be free of birth defects, and this is how you repay me?
Yeah! You don't know how hard it is to quit!
Your mother and I went through hell trying to...
Hey, don't recline-o-mite while I'm talking to you!
PEGGY: Bobby, smoking is a nasty, filthy habit!
Only trailer trash smoke nowadays! Do you want to look like trailer trash?
That's not fair! I don't smoke!
PEGGY: Luanne!
Lord. Hank, you finish this.
Honey, you are not trash.
Just 'cause you grew up in a trailer and your mama's in prison...
All right, Joe Camel, you wanna smoke, let's go smoke.
HANK: Now look here, you are gonna smoke this entire carton.
I thought you said you didn't want me to smoke anymore.
HANK: Oh, this'll take care of that, believe me.
I wish my daddy had had the parenting skills to do this for me, I tell you what.
Start puffing, boy. We gotta get through 200 of these.
Joseph, I understand you smoked your first cigarette today.
I'm sorry, Dad. I'll never smoke again.
Whoa! Hold on, son!
I want you to keep an open mind, so you can make an informed decision.
If you want, you can read a bloated government report on smoking...
or go straight to the horse's mouth and get the facts from the tobacco industry!
For God sakes, Bobby, what nationality are you?
American.
Then why are you holding your cigarette...
like some kind of European Nazi in a movie?
Why does it matter?
That's not the right sort of attitude for you to have.
Whatever you do, you should do right, even if it's something wrong.
Okay.
HANK: No, I said American. Here, let me show you.
That is not how to inhale, Bobby. You're hot-boxing it.
You gotta inhale slow.
You see?
Slow like that.
BOBBY: Okay.
Wait a minute. Let me show you one more time.
Yep, no two ways about it. Smoking is a filthy, disgusting habit.
How come you smoked?
Well, it wasn't as bad for you back then.
Wow!
Pretty keen, huh?
The trick is to get your thumb under the filter.
But, of course, smoking is wrong...
so you'll have to try this with a dowel or something.
Come on. Only one pack left.
I think I'm gonna barf.
That's what I wanted to hear. Good job, son.
When you're finished, you wanna get that with a hose?
You see, raising a boy is like fixing a radiator.
You don't talk it into working right...
you have to take it out back and flush it clean.
What's wrong, Hank?
Why do you always ask me that?
What's wrong with you? How does that sound, for a change?
Well, I just asked you once.
Is it about Bobby and that cigarette today?
No, I took care of that.
I made him smoke a whole carton until he was as sick as he's ever been in his life.
Hank Hill! What on God's earth were you thinking?
He's just a little boy.
You stunt his growth, he will stay that way!
Peggy, it's late. I'm tired. Let's just go to sleep.
Okay.
HANK: I gotta go do some stuff.
I think I might have left the blender on.
Hey there, Enrique.
Sorry, Mr. Hill. I know I'm not supposed to be smoking.
Hell, what's a rule for, if you can't break it once in a while?
And times got hard after NAFTA sent the pinata jobs north.
That's quite a story, Enrique.
I like stories.
I like stories about pinatas.
In fact, I like everything you have to say.
Let's me and you visit your hometown sometime...
the way you had the courtesy to come see mine.
I'd be honored for you to meet my family.
And I'd be honored for you to meet my...
Oh, no! My wife!
Hi, Hank. Honey, can you take a lunch break?
Sure.
How do you like that?
Is your heart racing?
Are you upset?
Now you know how I feel when you eat my make-ups!
For heaven's sake! That flesh-eating virus has claimed another victim.
Don't let it worry you, Peggy.
Sometimes you just gotta relax...
and enjoy life for all its rich, mellow flavor.
Hank! What are you doing?
Well...
Bobby vomited with one pack to go.
I couldn't throw 'em out. That would be wasteful.
But we haven't smoked for 12 years.
I know, but, well...
Hey, doesn't the smell take you back?
Hey, wait a minute.
PEGGY: Hank.
PEGGY: That's right.
That feels like what? A hundred years ago.
It doesn't have to.
Shouldn't we be getting home?
No, Hank. Let's just stay a moment longer.
HANK: Oh, boy!
I feel so alive with pleasure!
Fine day, isn't it, boy?
Hank, there is a tile in the bathroom...
that I think we missed.
Really? Well, I better check that out.
Well, I found the "tile." Thank you very much, Peggy.
And I looked at it...
but there's still some more "tile" for you to look at.
You know, I think I will save the rest of my "tile" for after breakfast.
Will you stop talking about your stupid tile?
If it's so dirty, go clean it! And if it's clean, you can shut up!
Hey, I've got an idea!
Let's go eat at that place we used to go when we smoked...
with the jazz combo.
- Smokey's? - Yeah, that's the one.
Yep.
Mmm. Hmm.
Hey, man, y'all put that dang old thing out!
Y'all gonna light up like that, man, it'll treat y'all like a dang old junkie!
Go messing up my head with that dang old secondary nicotine like that, man.
Oh, Hank, I thought you gave that up.
Welcome back, friend!
I knew this day would come!
Dale, get off of me.
Yep, same old Smokey's. Place hasn't changed a bit.
Where is old Smokey? We would love to say hi.
Smokey's no longer with us.
I am so sorry.
It's for the best, darlin'.
Those last few years when it spread to his bones...
Smoking or non-smoking?
Smoking.
What's going on in here?
PEGGY: What're you doing with that cigarette? You'll burn the house down!
Hey, all right! You guys smoke, too?
What we do is none of your business! I told you not to smoke!
Do I have to take you out back with another carton of cigarettes?
I think you do.
I cannot believe that you're all smoking!
Don't you know that more people die of smoking than die...
of war in Vietnam every day?
I'm begging you, put out your cigarettes, and keep them out!
She's right, Hank.
How can we expect Bobby to quit when we won't?
We're the adults. We have to set an example.
BOBBY: Hey, that's my rug.
HANK: No one said it was gonna be easy, son.
LEADER: Future non-smokers, take a look to your left.
Now take a look to your right. Who do you see?
Don't be shy. There are no wrong answers here.
MAN: I see a caring human being? LEADER: No.
You see your buddies for a better life!
I've got the strangest feeling someone's gonna kick his ass.
Come on, Hank. Will you just give it a chance?
BILL: Yes, buddy. Give it a chance.
Bill, what are you doing here?
Well, I know you think of me as a pretty together guy...
but sometimes I need a little help.
Just six nights a week for 20 years.
LEADER: Looks like someone found a buddy!
Hey, there. Tell us your name and how long you've been smoking.
I'd rather not.
I understand. It's not easy to admit we're weak.
You're calling me weak? Look at your little birdie arms!
They're no thicker than a cigarette! I could smoke them little arms!
Come on, Dad. Open up.
Is this your son?
It's beautiful how you came out to support your daddy.
I'm a smoker, too.
Oh, no! How long have you been addicted to cigarettes?
Since my dad let me smoke a whole carton.
Wait a minute. I didn't "let" him, I made him. It was a punishment.
- Can I get a new buddy? - What is wrong with him?
You are sick, sir! You shouldn't be allowed to have children!
Now, hold on a minute here. I didn't bring my family here to be yelled at.
I don't think I like this club.
You all whine too much, and the coffee's bad.
I tell you what you need to do, you need to take a 13th step...
down off your high horse!
BILL: Yeah!
Here's to three of the bravest individuals in all of Arlen!
To the Hills, and their tobacco-free future!
My God! Are you still talking?
Why's my potato got skin on it? I hate skin!
I will not sit here and have my work insulted!
What? Do you think that potatoes fly into the bowl and mash themselves?
LUANNE: I know y'all don't mean none of those harsh words.
It's just the nicotine withdrawal.
Why is she still talking?
Oh, my God!
LUANNE: Drop it.
Drop. Drop it.
Bobby, Hank, hold on. I got it.
When's this thing supposed to kick in? It's not working!
It's broken!
Bobby, the patch goes on your shoulder!
Bobby!
HANK: Bobby, spit it out! Spit it out!
PEGGY: Hank, you hold him, I'll go get a stick!
I wasn't gonna smoke it, I swear.
I know. You did it.
Good boy. Here's your treat.
Bobby! Aunt Peg! Come in here!
Uncle Hank's clean. He's gonna be okay.
Oh, yeah? Good job. Well done. So proud.
Let's celebrate. I'll make an icebox cake.
Bobby, why don't you...
Hey...
Where's Aunt Peggy?
The cigarette's gone!
BOBBY: Mom!
I found her.
PEGGY: Close the damn door! Can't you see that I am knitting?
BOBBY: Mom, hand over the cigarette!
No!
Mom, this is not your son. This is your buddy.
PEGGY: No! BOBBY: Hand it over!
Who's your buddy? Who's your buddy?
LUANNE: Well done, Bobby.
- Hey, wait a minute! - Give me that. I'm your mother!
All of you, just stop it!
Give me that!
You want the cigarette? You want it so bad?
Come and get it! Come on!
HANK: Hey! Out of there! What are you doing, Luanne?
PEGGY: Unlock this door right now!
I'm crating y'all in like an unruly dog!
I am sick of dysfunctional families!
I came from one, and I'm not gonna let it happen to you!
Function! Function, damn you!
Okay.
Women and children first. I take the first puff.
Bobby here gets the second.
If there's anything left, you!
Who are you trying to kid? We all know there won't be anything left.
Let's you and me split it, Peg. It'll be romantic.
You know, like the old days, before he came along!
Mama, it's your son. Nine months inside, remember?
Those were good times, too!
I don't know.
This is happening too fast. I just don't know.
I do. Come on, Bobby.
You and me can take her. You go high, I'll go low.
Hey, back off!
PEGGY: I will drop it! I will! I will drop this!
No!
Well, look at us. At each other's throats.
And after all we've been through!
This family has survived fires and twisters...
and every strain of flu the Orient could throw at us!
Well, we are not gonna be done in by a lousy tobacco leaf!
We are gonna make it! Together!
Now, who's with me? Hands in the center! Come on!
Oh, Hank.
I know.
Isn't it the most beautiful day you've ever seen?
What a day to be alive!
BOBBY: Hey, Dad! Over here! HANK: Go deep, Bobby!
LUANNE: Hey, Bobby! Over here!
HANK: All right.
PEGGY: Me! Me, now!
HANK: Over here, Peggy!
HANK: Okay.
Y'all listen up, man. This is Boomhauer.
This is your lungs on air. This is your lungs on smoke.
See the difference, man?
It'll stunt your growth all over. End up in a dang old hospital bed...
like Morton Downey Jr., Robert Downey Jr., or even worse, man.
Y'all talk about oral gratification.
All that dang. It's gonna give you a low sperm count, man.
Give you ear hair, yo.
It just ain't no good.
Who are the real-world Illuminati ? Find out @ saveanilluminati.com