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Ripped By mstoll
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(glasses clink)
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My very first clothing exchange.
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I've never felt so cosmopolitan.
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That's a word
I learned in a bar.
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So...
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the magazine says we each
present an item of clothing,
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and the first one
to call dibs gets it.
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Oh, like a key party.
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Or so I've heard.
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Okay, these boots
I only wore once,
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and then I stopped
wearing maroon.
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Dibs!
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These are adorable!
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I have the perfect out fit for...
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(grunting)
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Oh, right.
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Dibs!
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I want to try them!
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Oh!
Are they cute on you.
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Perfect!
Yay!
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Okay, everybody, my turn.
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How about these?
25
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They're functional.
26
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They can go straight
from a PTA meeting
27
00:01:26,653 --> 00:01:28,678
to a sexy night on the town.
28
00:01:28,822 --> 00:01:31,757
Aunt Peggy,
culottes aren't cool.
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00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:33,859
Even though it sounds
like they should be.
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00:01:34,027 --> 00:01:36,552
Oh, sug, surely someone
will want these...
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00:01:36,729 --> 00:01:38,356
overalls.
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(grunting)
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(sighs)
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So how was your
clothes exchange?
35
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I bet Nancy liked that old
softball jersey of yours.
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00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:55,741
As it turns out,
37
00:01:55,915 --> 00:01:58,281
Nancy would rather have a pair
of men's dirty flip-flops
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00:01:58,485 --> 00:02:00,453
than my softball jersey.
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00:02:00,620 --> 00:02:02,679
Apparently,
it wasn't feminine enough.
40
00:02:02,889 --> 00:02:05,357
You think I'm feminine,
don't you, Hank?
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00:02:05,425 --> 00:02:06,585
Well, sure you are.
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00:02:06,759 --> 00:02:08,351
You're a wife and a mother.
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Yeah, there's that.
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I just felt so ungainly
compared to those women.
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Why don't you call
your shoe store in Lubbock?
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I'm treating you
to some new shoes.
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Thank you, Hank.
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And by the way,
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you're wearing my jeans again.
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(laughing)
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This is the greatest
book I've ever read.
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Wow, Dr. Prankenstein
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has a degree in "Hee"
with a minor in "Haa."
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Joseph, have you seen
my lucky switchblade comb?
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I already told you!
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I broke it!
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(sighing)
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Ah, you're right.
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Sorry I snapped at you, Joseph.
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See, there's going to be a coup
today at the gun club
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and I may become
the new president
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if I can get over
these pre-coup jitters.
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Mr. Gribble, I know
what would help you relax.
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How would you like
a 25-cent massage?
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Who wouldn't?
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Here you go,
Mr. Gribble.
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One 25-cent massage coming up.
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You just roll this gently
all over your face.
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Wow, this is fantastic, Bobby.
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(chuckling)
(chuckling)
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This is as relaxing
as smoking used to be.
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Well...
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off to my coup.
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(giggling)
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We gotto go watch this.
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MAN: Hello? Hello,
Lubbock's VeryBig Shoes.
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Guess what I'm calling about?
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Sorry, lady, the shoe store went
out of business.
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We're a dog bakery now.
(dogs barking in background)
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Aunt Peggy!
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Look what I got.
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A bracelet.
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It's what some women wear
on their wrists.
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It's like jewelry.
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Yes, Luanne, I know
what a bracelet is.
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Hello, do you have a pump
in a size... 16?
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Which brand?
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Oh, my God.
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(gasps)
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Wedges?
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Sandals?
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These boots...
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they're just like Nancy's.
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It's too big.
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Okay, phase one
of the coup is underway.
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Spiro's safely locked and secure
in the snack closet.
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It's time to pick
our new leader.
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Our short list is
Earl Boley and Dale Gribble.
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Where's Dale?
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Coward didn't show.
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All right,
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looks like you're our
new president, Earl.
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(grunts)
(door opening)
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(men gasp)
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Hey, guys.
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00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:52,818
I think he's wearing war paint.
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I'm with Dale.
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MAN: Me, too. Give me that pen!
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I don't get it.
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They're not laughing at him.
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MAN: I say we make Gribble
the new president.
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All in favor,
fire once into the ground.
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(gunshots)
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00:05:06,739 --> 00:05:08,400
Maybe we didn't do it right.
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(pop music plays over speakers)
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How much do you love
zebra print?
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Okay.
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You know how when you see
a really cute baby,
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and you just want to eat it?
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That is howl feel
about these shoes.
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Oh, here, you take it.
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Oh, thank you.
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Peggy.
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Carolyn.
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I usually hear this,
not say it...
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nice grip.
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Excuse me.
Is this seat taken?
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Who are you talking to?
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Different people.
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00:05:42,408 --> 00:05:43,966
I want to see my new
clothes in action
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before I commit to owning them.
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It's a technique I learned
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from this interesting
woman I met today.
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Her name is Carolyn
and she wears gloves.
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00:05:51,617 --> 00:05:52,709
Gloves?
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00:05:52,885 --> 00:05:55,012
Huh, that is interesting.
137
00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:58,055
I felt this instant sense
of camaraderie with her
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that I don't normally find
with other women.
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00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:03,591
So you've got someone to talk to
about this stuff now?
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00:06:03,730 --> 00:06:04,924
That's great.
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00:06:05,098 --> 00:06:06,861
Yes, it is, Hank.
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00:06:08,968 --> 00:06:10,799
Taxi!
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00:06:13,139 --> 00:06:15,539
Hmm, this chicken curry
is delicious.
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00:06:15,708 --> 00:06:19,075
I could understand why it is one
of Oprah's favorite sandwiches.
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00:06:19,245 --> 00:06:21,338
Peggy, you ate
that whole sandwich.
146
00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:23,811
Yes, yes, I did.
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00:06:23,983 --> 00:06:25,143
(sighs)
148
00:06:25,351 --> 00:06:26,784
I'm sorry.
That was very unladylike.
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00:06:26,953 --> 00:06:29,114
And none of your lipstick
smeared or came off at all.
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00:06:29,288 --> 00:06:30,516
How do you do that?
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00:06:30,690 --> 00:06:32,419
Well, just before biting,
152
00:06:32,625 --> 00:06:35,651
I move the teeth forward
and slide the lip up.
153
00:06:35,828 --> 00:06:36,817
I'll show you in slo-mo.
154
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It works!
155
00:06:44,470 --> 00:06:45,869
This is going to be a lifesaver.
156
00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:48,302
See, I do this song and
dance act on the weekends,
157
00:06:48,474 --> 00:06:50,465
and I need to be able
to snack between sets,
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00:06:50,610 --> 00:06:52,601
so I don't pass out during the
particularly emotional numbers.
159
00:06:52,779 --> 00:06:53,746
Thank you, Peggy.
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00:06:53,913 --> 00:06:55,540
I got the idea
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00:06:55,715 --> 00:06:57,478
from watching Shark Attacks
on the Nature Channel,
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00:06:57,650 --> 00:07:00,847
or a Bette Davis movie...
I can't remember.
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00:07:03,222 --> 00:07:04,689
I don't know why
everyone doesn't drive
164
00:07:04,857 --> 00:07:05,881
with their high beams on.
165
00:07:06,058 --> 00:07:07,082
You see so much better.
166
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,522
So, the glasses.
167
00:07:08,694 --> 00:07:10,787
Are you afraid
of the laser surgery, too?
168
00:07:10,963 --> 00:07:12,897
'Cause the closest I want to get
to a laser is front row
169
00:07:13,132 --> 00:07:14,360
at a Chaka Khan concert.
170
00:07:14,534 --> 00:07:16,058
Actually, the glasses
hide thin brows,
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00:07:16,302 --> 00:07:17,462
fine lines and wrinkles.
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00:07:17,670 --> 00:07:18,932
People do not say it,
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00:07:19,071 --> 00:07:21,198
but they make me look
ten years younger.
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00:07:21,374 --> 00:07:23,103
True that.
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00:07:27,146 --> 00:07:29,671
Oh, Carolyn, if there wasn't
a parking brake between us,
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00:07:29,849 --> 00:07:31,817
I'd think we were
connected at the hip.
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00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:34,545
Oh, my God, the
parking brake's on.
178
00:07:34,754 --> 00:07:35,743
(brakes squeak)
179
00:07:35,922 --> 00:07:37,856
WOMAN:
Ooh.
180
00:07:38,024 --> 00:07:39,651
I helped myself to some tea.
181
00:07:39,826 --> 00:07:40,850
Hey, Mom.
182
00:07:41,027 --> 00:07:42,324
Sorry I'm late.
183
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:44,589
Do not apologize for yourself,
now or ever.
184
00:07:44,797 --> 00:07:47,561
I love the new wig, son.
Gorgeous.
185
00:07:47,767 --> 00:07:52,227
Thanks. I just had the best time
with this new girl, Peggy Hill.
186
00:07:52,438 --> 00:07:54,702
I don't know
what his real name is.
187
00:07:54,874 --> 00:07:56,341
Nancy, it's Peggy.
188
00:07:56,509 --> 00:07:58,238
I can't go shopping
with you tomorrow.
189
00:07:58,411 --> 00:08:00,811
I'm hanging out
with my new gal pal.
190
00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:02,811
I should call Minh, too.
191
00:08:13,826 --> 00:08:16,192
Oh, it's so nice
to have a friend
192
00:08:16,462 --> 00:08:18,862
who's strong enough to push
her way through a sale.
193
00:08:18,998 --> 00:08:21,990
Nancy always fell somewhere
between lingerie and handbags.
194
00:08:22,235 --> 00:08:24,669
Some of my friends are
too scared to go to the mall.
195
00:08:24,837 --> 00:08:27,738
They buy everything online.
196
00:08:27,907 --> 00:08:30,375
Thank goodness I hid all
the good stuff last week.
197
00:08:31,544 --> 00:08:33,171
Ta-da.
198
00:08:33,312 --> 00:08:34,779
(soft grunt)
199
00:08:34,947 --> 00:08:37,177
I love it. I have
to wear scarves in the show.
200
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,944
So, what do you do in your act?
201
00:08:40,086 --> 00:08:43,214
Well, I don't do any one artist
like some of the girls do.
202
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:45,586
A little Liza, Barbra, Celine.
203
00:08:45,725 --> 00:08:47,818
My favorites.
204
00:08:47,994 --> 00:08:49,222
(gasps)
205
00:08:49,395 --> 00:08:51,420
You really know
how to work a scarf.
206
00:08:51,597 --> 00:08:54,225
Hey, I've always wanted
to do a duet in the show.
207
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:56,231
You and me, Peggy...
what do you say?
208
00:08:56,402 --> 00:08:58,131
Yes.
Great!
209
00:08:58,304 --> 00:08:59,464
Just bring your own eyelashes.
210
00:08:59,639 --> 00:09:01,732
I always do.
211
00:09:01,908 --> 00:09:03,500
I'm everywoman ♪
212
00:09:03,676 --> 00:09:05,268
And one more time.
213
00:09:05,411 --> 00:09:07,345
It's all in me ♪
214
00:09:07,513 --> 00:09:08,775
Anything you want done, baby ♪
215
00:09:08,915 --> 00:09:10,405
I'll do it naturally... ♪
216
00:09:10,616 --> 00:09:12,914
Now don't be afraid
to move your head a little
217
00:09:13,085 --> 00:09:14,416
during the humming part,
218
00:09:14,620 --> 00:09:16,212
so people will know
you're pretending to hum.
219
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:17,447
Mm-hmm.
220
00:09:17,657 --> 00:09:19,284
I'm every woman ♪
221
00:09:19,492 --> 00:09:22,723
It's all in me... ♪
222
00:09:22,929 --> 00:09:24,089
Hey, Hank, stand back.
223
00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:25,321
We're kicking.
224
00:09:25,531 --> 00:09:26,623
Okay, then.
225
00:09:26,766 --> 00:09:29,894
Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
226
00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:31,229
Whoa, whoa, whoa... ♪
227
00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:35,067
Oh. Carolyn, this is
my husband, Hank.
228
00:09:35,207 --> 00:09:36,868
Nice to meet you, Carolyn.
229
00:09:37,043 --> 00:09:38,271
Carolyn.
230
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:39,708
I always liked that name.
231
00:09:39,879 --> 00:09:41,506
I thought it was a good one.
232
00:09:41,647 --> 00:09:43,342
Well, I'll get out
of your way, ladies.
233
00:09:44,984 --> 00:09:47,384
Bobby, this is my
new friend, Carolyn.
234
00:09:47,553 --> 00:09:48,815
Carolyn, my son, Bobby.
235
00:09:48,988 --> 00:09:50,114
Hey.
236
00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:51,553
Oh.
237
00:09:51,691 --> 00:09:54,387
So, did you two adopt?
238
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:57,188
No, ma'am, and I have the
stretch marks to prove it.
239
00:09:57,363 --> 00:09:58,421
Stretch marks?
240
00:09:58,564 --> 00:09:59,656
Nothing seems to diminish them.
241
00:09:59,865 --> 00:10:00,832
Not shea butter,
242
00:10:01,033 --> 00:10:01,965
not cow placenta,
243
00:10:02,134 --> 00:10:03,294
not goat placenta.
244
00:10:03,469 --> 00:10:04,663
Really?
245
00:10:04,870 --> 00:10:06,269
Mm-hmm, oh, yeah.
246
00:10:06,472 --> 00:10:07,803
I imagine this is
what it looks like
247
00:10:07,974 --> 00:10:09,066
when you're stabbed
in the stomach
248
00:10:09,241 --> 00:10:10,333
at several different angles,
huh?
249
00:10:11,677 --> 00:10:13,611
Uh, yeah, stabbing.
250
00:10:13,779 --> 00:10:15,940
Could I have another drink,
please?
251
00:10:16,182 --> 00:10:18,446
(laughter)
252
00:10:21,220 --> 00:10:23,313
Mm. Oh, some string!
253
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,684
Oh, a dollar!
254
00:10:24,857 --> 00:10:26,757
What the...
255
00:10:26,892 --> 00:10:28,291
Oh.
256
00:10:29,895 --> 00:10:31,055
Damn wind.
257
00:10:31,263 --> 00:10:32,594
Pull the string again.
258
00:10:32,765 --> 00:10:34,995
Mr. Dauterive really
cares about money.
259
00:10:35,167 --> 00:10:37,431
Where'd you go? Where'd you go?
Oh, geez!
260
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:40,401
Oh, there it is.
Oh! Oh, darn it.
261
00:10:45,678 --> 00:10:47,168
(tires squealing)
262
00:10:47,346 --> 00:10:48,904
(thudding crash)
263
00:10:49,148 --> 00:10:51,207
Oh, my God!
264
00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:53,011
Are you okay?
(glass clinking)
265
00:10:55,121 --> 00:10:58,181
(slurring): I'm doing
better now, sweet cheeks.
266
00:10:58,357 --> 00:11:00,348
I never seen eyes so dilated.
267
00:11:00,526 --> 00:11:02,892
I could lose myself in them.
268
00:11:03,095 --> 00:11:05,086
You know, I really
shouldn't be driving.
269
00:11:05,231 --> 00:11:06,596
You want to take the wheel?
270
00:11:06,766 --> 00:11:08,199
Sure.
271
00:11:10,436 --> 00:11:11,994
Did you see his face?
272
00:11:12,171 --> 00:11:13,570
Yeah, he was happy.
273
00:11:13,706 --> 00:11:15,139
I know!
274
00:11:15,307 --> 00:11:18,037
What kind of joke book is this?
275
00:11:18,244 --> 00:11:21,179
Mom, I need to talk to you.
It's about Peggy.
276
00:11:21,313 --> 00:11:22,712
What's her problem?
277
00:11:22,915 --> 00:11:25,008
Mom, she's a real woman, and...
278
00:11:25,151 --> 00:11:27,176
You mean a biological woman.
279
00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:29,082
Just because
you were born a male
280
00:11:29,255 --> 00:11:31,348
doesn't make you
any less of a woman.
281
00:11:31,557 --> 00:11:33,855
Let no one clip your wings,
baby.
282
00:11:34,060 --> 00:11:35,994
Could you stop being supportive
for one second and listen?
283
00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:37,389
I've got a problem.
284
00:11:37,563 --> 00:11:39,258
I can't let a real woman
perform with me.
285
00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:40,399
It's a drag show.
286
00:11:40,566 --> 00:11:41,931
Do what you need to do.
287
00:11:42,068 --> 00:11:44,969
As long as there is no shame
involved, hear me?
288
00:11:45,137 --> 00:11:46,502
You're a person!
289
00:11:46,639 --> 00:11:48,573
Oh, Mother.
290
00:11:51,677 --> 00:11:54,373
HANK:
Peggy,
291
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:56,344
you almost forgot this thing.
292
00:11:58,517 --> 00:12:00,451
I'll be in the front row.
293
00:12:00,619 --> 00:12:03,019
Yeah, that might not be
such a good idea.
294
00:12:03,189 --> 00:12:06,420
Apparently, they single out
newcomers and embarrass them.
295
00:12:06,592 --> 00:12:08,389
You know, like at church.
296
00:12:08,527 --> 00:12:11,223
Well, I'll be in the back
by the sound board then.
297
00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:13,262
That outfit...
298
00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:15,162
it's very becoming.
299
00:12:15,334 --> 00:12:16,892
(whooping)
300
00:12:17,036 --> 00:12:18,731
Looking good, Sug.
301
00:12:18,904 --> 00:12:19,893
MINH:
Yeah! Big hair
302
00:12:20,039 --> 00:12:21,063
kind of works for you.
303
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:22,764
Where you going all dolled up?
304
00:12:23,008 --> 00:12:25,533
Well, I'm on my way to perform
with my new friend, Carolyn,
305
00:12:25,711 --> 00:12:27,975
in a glamorous revue.
306
00:12:28,180 --> 00:12:29,442
Would you both like to come?
307
00:12:29,648 --> 00:12:31,013
Wow. Five-drink minimum.
308
00:12:31,217 --> 00:12:32,445
Yes, and I would prefer it
309
00:12:32,651 --> 00:12:34,346
if you didn't get drunk
and embarrass me.
310
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:36,181
We'll see you there.
Break a leg!
311
00:12:36,355 --> 00:12:38,289
Yeah, whatever.
312
00:12:45,097 --> 00:12:46,792
What does it mean
313
00:12:46,966 --> 00:12:48,456
if instead of a purse,
314
00:12:48,667 --> 00:12:50,430
a woman carries a
tattered grocery bag?
315
00:12:57,243 --> 00:12:58,938
Uh, hey.
316
00:12:59,145 --> 00:12:59,941
Hello.
317
00:13:00,112 --> 00:13:01,511
Is Peggy here?
318
00:13:01,647 --> 00:13:02,705
Uh, no, she's not.
319
00:13:02,882 --> 00:13:03,940
Uh, can I help you?
320
00:13:04,083 --> 00:13:05,141
I'm her husband.
321
00:13:05,317 --> 00:13:06,341
I'm Jamie.
322
00:13:06,519 --> 00:13:07,486
Uh, I know Carolyn.
323
00:13:07,653 --> 00:13:08,620
We're friends.
324
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:09,914
Close friends.
325
00:13:10,055 --> 00:13:12,216
Oh. Well,
that Carolyn is great.
326
00:13:12,424 --> 00:13:14,119
She's quite a catch
there, Jamie.
327
00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:15,590
What do you say to a beer?
328
00:13:18,931 --> 00:13:22,230
I say, 'Where have you been
all morning?"
329
00:13:22,401 --> 00:13:23,766
(laughs)
Good one!
330
00:13:23,969 --> 00:13:25,561
Yeah, I'll have
to remember that one.
331
00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:31,671
So, Carolyn needs me to
find Peggy before the show.
332
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,745
When do you expect her back?
333
00:13:33,979 --> 00:13:36,243
Well, she had to get something
for her costume.
334
00:13:36,415 --> 00:13:38,975
She called it
a sequin emergency.
335
00:13:39,185 --> 00:13:42,086
I asked her to call it
something else, but she refused.
336
00:13:42,254 --> 00:13:43,915
Then she's going right
to the club.
337
00:13:44,089 --> 00:13:45,886
I'll just, uh, catch her there.
338
00:13:46,058 --> 00:13:47,821
Bye, guys.
339
00:13:51,997 --> 00:13:53,658
I like nice people.
340
00:13:55,768 --> 00:13:58,328
Show time!
341
00:14:07,079 --> 00:14:09,240
If she wasn't dead, I'd swear
you were the real thing.
342
00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:10,677
Peggy...
343
00:14:10,916 --> 00:14:13,282
That Diana Ross
looks freaking amazing.
344
00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:14,511
We are going to have to pretend
345
00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:16,312
sing our hearts out
to outshine her.
346
00:14:16,488 --> 00:14:18,649
Honey, we can't do the routine.
347
00:14:18,791 --> 00:14:20,281
I have something to tell you.
348
00:14:20,426 --> 00:14:21,450
Well, what is it?
349
00:14:21,627 --> 00:14:23,788
(exhaling)
350
00:14:23,996 --> 00:14:26,430
Peggy, I'm a drag queen.
351
00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:30,364
But I thought most
drag queens were men.
352
00:14:30,502 --> 00:14:31,799
I am a man.
353
00:14:31,971 --> 00:14:33,302
I'd take off my wig to show you,
354
00:14:33,439 --> 00:14:34,838
but it's too close to curtain.
355
00:14:38,244 --> 00:14:41,270
So then I don't understand
why you invited me
356
00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:43,641
to do this show with you
in the first place...
357
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,013
Oh, my God.
358
00:14:46,418 --> 00:14:47,612
You thought I was a man?
359
00:14:47,786 --> 00:14:49,310
We had the same size feet,
360
00:14:49,521 --> 00:14:50,852
and you were shopping
at The Closet.
361
00:14:51,023 --> 00:14:52,888
It's a store for
drag queens, Peggy.
362
00:14:53,058 --> 00:14:55,492
I-I didn't know.
363
00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:58,153
Well, if it makes you
feel any better,
364
00:14:58,330 --> 00:15:00,127
I thought you were
the best I'd ever seen.
365
00:15:00,266 --> 00:15:01,255
It doesn't!
366
00:15:01,433 --> 00:15:02,730
Hey, Sug...
367
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:04,392
here we are! What kind
of place is this?
368
00:15:04,603 --> 00:15:05,729
(sobbing)
369
00:15:10,042 --> 00:15:11,134
(sobbing)
370
00:15:18,050 --> 00:15:20,814
Come on, Peggy Hill.
Open the door!
371
00:15:21,086 --> 00:15:22,644
We're here to comfort you.
372
00:15:22,888 --> 00:15:25,914
Sorry everybody thinks
you're a man, Aunt Peggy.
373
00:15:26,125 --> 00:15:28,184
You knowhow everybody is.
374
00:15:28,327 --> 00:15:30,022
Go away!
375
00:15:30,162 --> 00:15:33,063
Sug, you coached
a women's softball league.
376
00:15:33,232 --> 00:15:35,359
If that's not feminine,
I don't know what is.
377
00:15:35,534 --> 00:15:38,128
We're trying to cheer her up,
not tick her off.
378
00:15:38,304 --> 00:15:39,828
You want to get
punched in the face?
379
00:15:39,972 --> 00:15:42,202
That woman's got fists
like frozen turkeys.
380
00:15:42,408 --> 00:15:45,309
I could still hear you, ya know.
381
00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:49,210
(phone ringing)
382
00:15:49,415 --> 00:15:50,575
Don't answer it.
383
00:15:50,816 --> 00:15:52,613
Well, Peggy,
that's like telling a lie.
384
00:15:52,851 --> 00:15:53,783
You just don't do that.
(phone ringing)
385
00:15:53,919 --> 00:15:56,012
Fine. Then I'm not here.
386
00:15:56,188 --> 00:15:58,622
(phone ringing)
But that's also a lie.
387
00:15:58,824 --> 00:16:00,985
Hill residence.
388
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:03,094
Uh, she's not here.
389
00:16:03,295 --> 00:16:04,922
Okay, Carolyn.
390
00:16:05,097 --> 00:16:06,257
Dang it.
391
00:16:06,432 --> 00:16:07,956
Did she think you were me?
392
00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:10,397
I do sound like a man
apparently.
393
00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:11,696
What are you talking about?
394
00:16:11,870 --> 00:16:13,201
Carolyn, my friend,
395
00:16:13,339 --> 00:16:16,740
is really a man
who dresses up like a woman.
396
00:16:16,909 --> 00:16:18,103
Now, now hold on.
397
00:16:18,277 --> 00:16:20,177
That doesn't make any sense.
398
00:16:20,346 --> 00:16:23,179
And he thought that I was
also a man dressed as a woman,
399
00:16:23,349 --> 00:16:24,475
but I am not.
400
00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:26,914
I am a woman
who looks like a man.
401
00:16:27,052 --> 00:16:28,781
What? No,
you're not.
402
00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:30,752
Then why is it
that the only woman
403
00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:33,187
I can relate to is a man?
404
00:16:33,325 --> 00:16:37,159
And here I was feeling feminine
for the first time in my life.
405
00:16:37,329 --> 00:16:40,355
I have never felt so ugly!
406
00:16:40,532 --> 00:16:43,501
Isn't this something you
should be talking about
407
00:16:43,702 --> 00:16:45,567
with your girlfriends?
408
00:16:45,771 --> 00:16:47,363
You know, like that Carolyn.
409
00:16:47,539 --> 00:16:50,440
Hank, are you even
listening to me?
410
00:16:50,609 --> 00:16:52,042
(sobbing)
411
00:17:01,553 --> 00:17:03,077
Hello, Carolyn.
412
00:17:03,255 --> 00:17:05,519
I was calling to get
Jamie's number.
413
00:17:05,724 --> 00:17:07,919
Oh, he is? Oh, that'd be great.
414
00:17:08,093 --> 00:17:09,924
Hello, Jamie.
415
00:17:10,062 --> 00:17:11,962
Can I take your order?
416
00:17:12,097 --> 00:17:15,726
Uh... I'll have a
normal orange juice, please.
417
00:17:15,901 --> 00:17:17,334
Make it normal.
418
00:17:17,503 --> 00:17:19,130
Okay, and which
nutrient booster?
419
00:17:19,304 --> 00:17:22,000
Uh, no, no, I won't be
needing anymore nutrients.
420
00:17:22,141 --> 00:17:24,006
I'm having a steak later.
421
00:17:24,176 --> 00:17:25,609
Thanks for meeting me.
422
00:17:25,778 --> 00:17:27,245
I, uh... I have to talk to you
423
00:17:27,413 --> 00:17:30,109
about something that I can't
talk about with the guys.
424
00:17:30,315 --> 00:17:31,304
Sure, Hank, shoot.
425
00:17:31,517 --> 00:17:34,145
Well, my wife is really upset.
426
00:17:34,353 --> 00:17:36,480
I think maybe she and Carolyn
had a fight or something.
427
00:17:36,655 --> 00:17:37,849
I don't know.
428
00:17:38,023 --> 00:17:39,991
Has Carolyn talked
to you about this?
429
00:17:40,159 --> 00:17:42,753
She has. And believe me,
she adores Peggy.
430
00:17:42,928 --> 00:17:44,953
She thinks she's a
model of femininity.
431
00:17:45,097 --> 00:17:47,861
Actually, she wishes
she could be more like her.
432
00:17:48,033 --> 00:17:50,092
Well, Carolyn's one
of the best girlfriends
433
00:17:50,235 --> 00:17:51,725
Peggy has ever had.
434
00:17:51,870 --> 00:17:53,997
You think maybe you
could talk to Carolyn,
435
00:17:54,173 --> 00:17:55,731
see if they can't
patch things up?
436
00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:58,138
Yes, she'll take care of this.
437
00:17:58,310 --> 00:18:00,369
Women need to work out
their problems emotionally.
438
00:18:00,512 --> 00:18:02,377
Boy, I've gotto
hand it to you, Jamie.
439
00:18:02,548 --> 00:18:04,448
You sure do know
a lot about women.
440
00:18:13,892 --> 00:18:14,859
Oh, shoot.
441
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:18,658
Sorry your food is ruined.
We've got pizza.
442
00:18:18,897 --> 00:18:21,491
My mom just got me a credit
card, so we went crazy.
443
00:18:21,733 --> 00:18:24,065
Wow, thanks.
444
00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:27,966
This book stinks!
445
00:18:28,173 --> 00:18:30,403
No, dude, every time
you do a prank,
446
00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:32,201
something good happens.
447
00:18:32,411 --> 00:18:34,242
That's a magic book!
448
00:18:34,446 --> 00:18:35,879
(sighing):
I don't know.
449
00:18:36,081 --> 00:18:38,174
I do. You've got
to prank me, dude.
450
00:18:38,317 --> 00:18:39,682
Oh, okay.
451
00:18:39,885 --> 00:18:42,410
Make me rich and handsome.
452
00:18:42,621 --> 00:18:45,249
If your hand is bigger
than your face,
453
00:18:45,424 --> 00:18:47,585
all your wishes will come true.
454
00:18:47,759 --> 00:18:48,589
Cool.
455
00:18:48,727 --> 00:18:50,126
Ow!
456
00:18:51,396 --> 00:18:54,024
So, am I handsome?
457
00:18:54,199 --> 00:18:57,828
(grunting)
458
00:18:58,003 --> 00:19:00,699
(doorbell ringing)
459
00:19:02,241 --> 00:19:04,266
Oh, hello.
Peggy, it's Carolyn.
460
00:19:06,111 --> 00:19:06,941
Peggy, stop right there.
461
00:19:08,213 --> 00:19:09,805
What do you want?
462
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:11,574
I want you to drop that sad
blanket and come with me.
463
00:19:11,717 --> 00:19:12,741
I need to show you something.
464
00:19:12,918 --> 00:19:15,614
Will I be humiliated in anyway?
465
00:19:15,787 --> 00:19:18,221
I swear on my mother's
unwavering support
466
00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:19,381
that you will not.
467
00:19:21,326 --> 00:19:23,260
Uh, Peggy, I don't like
to butt into your affairs,
468
00:19:23,395 --> 00:19:24,794
but you should go with her.
469
00:19:26,365 --> 00:19:27,525
Whatever you've
been going through,
470
00:19:27,733 --> 00:19:29,223
well, I think Carolyn can help.
471
00:19:32,704 --> 00:19:34,501
Fine.
472
00:19:34,706 --> 00:19:36,674
I will get my purse.
473
00:19:36,808 --> 00:19:38,969
And grab your trash bag
full of clothes.
474
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,645
Hurry!
Why?
475
00:19:40,812 --> 00:19:41,779
It's just more dramatic.
476
00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:51,345
Have a seat, Peggy.
477
00:19:51,557 --> 00:19:53,252
Girls, this is Peggy Hill.
478
00:19:53,425 --> 00:19:55,484
She is the one responsible
for that great tip
479
00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:57,787
about the lipstick and
the one about the glasses.
480
00:19:57,963 --> 00:20:00,363
Look at me.
I'm a girl again.
481
00:20:00,532 --> 00:20:02,159
Thank you.
482
00:20:02,334 --> 00:20:03,858
You're welcome.
483
00:20:04,069 --> 00:20:06,037
No, wait. I...
484
00:20:07,973 --> 00:20:09,031
Is this what I think it is?
485
00:20:09,174 --> 00:20:11,540
A denim vest
with appliqués on it?
486
00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:13,143
Oh, I want that.
487
00:20:13,312 --> 00:20:15,644
It's so Mandrell Sisters
VarietyHour!
488
00:20:15,814 --> 00:20:17,042
Mm-hmm, I had
a feeling
489
00:20:17,182 --> 00:20:18,547
your stuff would
go quickly here.
490
00:20:18,717 --> 00:20:20,912
So this is why you
brought me here?
491
00:20:21,086 --> 00:20:23,816
To show me that a bunch
of men want my clothes?
492
00:20:23,989 --> 00:20:27,083
A bunch of men who want to look
like women want your clothes.
493
00:20:27,259 --> 00:20:28,851
Uh-huh.
494
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:31,552
But, come on, aren't you
all more impressed by women
495
00:20:31,697 --> 00:20:34,222
who are fancier and
daintier and girlier?
496
00:20:34,433 --> 00:20:37,425
Honey, wispy women
are a dime a dozen.
497
00:20:37,636 --> 00:20:38,864
You said it, girl.
498
00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:40,538
Yeah, baby.
499
00:20:40,706 --> 00:20:43,072
Peggy, drag queens model
themselves after strong,
500
00:20:43,275 --> 00:20:45,106
substantial, fearless women,
501
00:20:45,310 --> 00:20:46,800
women who aren't afraid
to wear purple gauchos
502
00:20:46,945 --> 00:20:48,913
and MC Hammer glasses,
503
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:51,709
women who only need one name
to describe themselves,
504
00:20:51,883 --> 00:20:54,545
like Liza, Barbra and Cher.
505
00:20:54,753 --> 00:20:56,948
You, my dear, are simply Peggy.
506
00:20:57,155 --> 00:20:59,123
Peggy.
507
00:20:59,291 --> 00:21:00,485
That does make sense.
508
00:21:00,626 --> 00:21:02,491
Girl, you are fierce.
509
00:21:02,661 --> 00:21:03,593
Deal with it.
510
00:21:07,566 --> 00:21:09,898
I have gotto have
these platform sneakers.
511
00:21:10,035 --> 00:21:11,297
They are yours.
512
00:21:14,740 --> 00:21:17,072
PEGGY: Okay, who's
hoarding the turtle necks?
513
00:21:17,242 --> 00:21:18,800
I know you've got them!
514
00:21:53,078 --> 00:21:55,239
CAROLYN'S MOTHER: Let no
one clip your wings, baby.
515
00:21:58,500 --> 00:22:06,500
Ripped By mstoll
515
00:22:07,305 --> 00:23:07,858
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