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Ripped By mstoll
(glasses clink)
My very first clothing exchange.
I've never felt so cosmopolitan.
That's a word I learned in a bar.
So...
the magazine says we each present an item of clothing,
and the first one to call dibs gets it.
Oh, like a key party.
Or so I've heard.
Okay, these boots I only wore once,
and then I stopped wearing maroon.
Dibs!
These are adorable!
I have the perfect out fit for...
(grunting)
Oh, right.
Dibs!
I want to try them!
Oh! Are they cute on you.
Perfect! Yay!
Okay, everybody, my turn.
How about these?
They're functional.
They can go straight from a PTA meeting
to a sexy night on the town.
Aunt Peggy, culottes aren't cool.
Even though it sounds like they should be.
Oh, sug, surely someone will want these...
overalls.
(grunting)
(sighs)
So how was your clothes exchange?
I bet Nancy liked that old softball jersey of yours.
As it turns out,
Nancy would rather have a pair of men's dirty flip-flops
than my softball jersey.
Apparently, it wasn't feminine enough.
You think I'm feminine, don't you, Hank?
Well, sure you are.
You're a wife and a mother.
Yeah, there's that.
I just felt so ungainly compared to those women.
Why don't you call your shoe store in Lubbock?
I'm treating you to some new shoes.
Thank you, Hank.
And by the way,
you're wearing my jeans again.
(laughing)
This is the greatest book I've ever read.
Wow, Dr. Prankenstein
has a degree in "Hee" with a minor in "Haa."
Joseph, have you seen my lucky switchblade comb?
I already told you!
I broke it!
(sighing)
Ah, you're right.
Sorry I snapped at you, Joseph.
See, there's going to be a coup today at the gun club
and I may become the new president
if I can get over these pre-coup jitters.
Mr. Gribble, I know what would help you relax.
How would you like a 25-cent massage?
Who wouldn't?
Here you go, Mr. Gribble.
One 25-cent massage coming up.
You just roll this gently all over your face.
Wow, this is fantastic, Bobby.
(chuckling) (chuckling)
This is as relaxing as smoking used to be.
Well...
off to my coup.
(giggling)
We gotto go watch this.
MAN: Hello? Hello, Lubbock's VeryBig Shoes.
Guess what I'm calling about?
Sorry, lady, the shoe store went out of business.
We're a dog bakery now. (dogs barking in background)
Aunt Peggy!
Look what I got.
A bracelet.
It's what some women wear on their wrists.
It's like jewelry.
Yes, Luanne, I know what a bracelet is.
Hello, do you have a pump in a size... 16?
Which brand?
Oh, my God.
(gasps)
Wedges?
Sandals?
These boots...
they're just like Nancy's.
It's too big.
Okay, phase one of the coup is underway.
Spiro's safely locked and secure in the snack closet.
It's time to pick our new leader.
Our short list is Earl Boley and Dale Gribble.
Where's Dale?
Coward didn't show.
All right,
looks like you're our new president, Earl.
(grunts) (door opening)
(men gasp)
Hey, guys.
I think he's wearing war paint.
I'm with Dale.
MAN: Me, too. Give me that pen!
I don't get it.
They're not laughing at him.
MAN: I say we make Gribble the new president.
All in favor, fire once into the ground.
(gunshots)
Maybe we didn't do it right.
(pop music plays over speakers)
How much do you love zebra print?
Okay.
You know how when you see a really cute baby,
and you just want to eat it?
That is howl feel about these shoes.
Oh, here, you take it.
Oh, thank you.
Peggy.
Carolyn.
I usually hear this, not say it...
nice grip.
Excuse me. Is this seat taken?
Who are you talking to?
Different people.
I want to see my new clothes in action
before I commit to owning them.
It's a technique I learned
from this interesting woman I met today.
Her name is Carolyn and she wears gloves.
Gloves?
Huh, that is interesting.
I felt this instant sense of camaraderie with her
that I don't normally find with other women.
So you've got someone to talk to about this stuff now?
That's great.
Yes, it is, Hank.
Taxi!
Hmm, this chicken curry is delicious.
I could understand why it is one of Oprah's favorite sandwiches.
Peggy, you ate that whole sandwich.
Yes, yes, I did.
(sighs)
I'm sorry. That was very unladylike.
And none of your lipstick smeared or came off at all.
How do you do that?
Well, just before biting,
I move the teeth forward and slide the lip up.
I'll show you in slo-mo.
It works!
This is going to be a lifesaver.
See, I do this song and dance act on the weekends,
and I need to be able to snack between sets,
so I don't pass out during the particularly emotional numbers.
Thank you, Peggy.
I got the idea
from watching Shark Attacks on the Nature Channel,
or a Bette Davis movie... I can't remember.
I don't know why everyone doesn't drive
with their high beams on.
You see so much better.
So, the glasses.
Are you afraid of the laser surgery, too?
'Cause the closest I want to get to a laser is front row
at a Chaka Khan concert.
Actually, the glasses hide thin brows,
fine lines and wrinkles.
People do not say it,
but they make me look ten years younger.
True that.
Oh, Carolyn, if there wasn't a parking brake between us,
I'd think we were connected at the hip.
Oh, my God, the parking brake's on.
(brakes squeak)
WOMAN: Ooh.
I helped myself to some tea.
Hey, Mom.
Sorry I'm late.
Do not apologize for yourself, now or ever.
I love the new wig, son. Gorgeous.
Thanks. I just had the best time with this new girl, Peggy Hill.
I don't know what his real name is.
Nancy, it's Peggy.
I can't go shopping with you tomorrow.
I'm hanging out with my new gal pal.
I should call Minh, too.
Oh, it's so nice to have a friend
who's strong enough to push her way through a sale.
Nancy always fell somewhere between lingerie and handbags.
Some of my friends are too scared to go to the mall.
They buy everything online.
Thank goodness I hid all the good stuff last week.
Ta-da.
(soft grunt)
I love it. I have to wear scarves in the show.
So, what do you do in your act?
Well, I don't do any one artist like some of the girls do.
A little Liza, Barbra, Celine.
My favorites.
(gasps)
You really know how to work a scarf.
Hey, I've always wanted to do a duet in the show.
You and me, Peggy... what do you say?
Yes. Great!
Just bring your own eyelashes.
I always do.
I'm everywoman ♪
And one more time.
It's all in me ♪
Anything you want done, baby ♪
I'll do it naturally... ♪
Now don't be afraid to move your head a little
during the humming part,
so people will know you're pretending to hum.
Mm-hmm.
I'm every woman ♪
It's all in me... ♪
Hey, Hank, stand back.
We're kicking.
Okay, then.
Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
Whoa, whoa, whoa... ♪
Oh. Carolyn, this is my husband, Hank.
Nice to meet you, Carolyn.
Carolyn.
I always liked that name.
I thought it was a good one.
Well, I'll get out of your way, ladies.
Bobby, this is my new friend, Carolyn.
Carolyn, my son, Bobby.
Hey.
Oh.
So, did you two adopt?
No, ma'am, and I have the stretch marks to prove it.
Stretch marks?
Nothing seems to diminish them.
Not shea butter,
not cow placenta,
not goat placenta.
Really?
Mm-hmm, oh, yeah.
I imagine this is what it looks like
when you're stabbed in the stomach
at several different angles, huh?
Uh, yeah, stabbing.
Could I have another drink, please?
(laughter)
Mm. Oh, some string!
Oh, a dollar!
What the...
Oh.
Damn wind.
Pull the string again.
Mr. Dauterive really cares about money.
Where'd you go? Where'd you go? Oh, geez!
Oh, there it is. Oh! Oh, darn it.
(tires squealing)
(thudding crash)
Oh, my God!
Are you okay? (glass clinking)
(slurring): I'm doing better now, sweet cheeks.
I never seen eyes so dilated.
I could lose myself in them.
You know, I really shouldn't be driving.
You want to take the wheel?
Sure.
Did you see his face?
Yeah, he was happy.
I know!
What kind of joke book is this?
Mom, I need to talk to you. It's about Peggy.
What's her problem?
Mom, she's a real woman, and...
You mean a biological woman.
Just because you were born a male
doesn't make you any less of a woman.
Let no one clip your wings, baby.
Could you stop being supportive for one second and listen?
I've got a problem.
I can't let a real woman perform with me.
It's a drag show.
Do what you need to do.
As long as there is no shame involved, hear me?
You're a person!
Oh, Mother.
HANK: Peggy,
you almost forgot this thing.
I'll be in the front row.
Yeah, that might not be such a good idea.
Apparently, they single out newcomers and embarrass them.
You know, like at church.
Well, I'll be in the back by the sound board then.
That outfit...
it's very becoming.
(whooping)
Looking good, Sug.
MINH: Yeah! Big hair
kind of works for you.
Where you going all dolled up?
Well, I'm on my way to perform with my new friend, Carolyn,
in a glamorous revue.
Would you both like to come?
Wow. Five-drink minimum.
Yes, and I would prefer it
if you didn't get drunk and embarrass me.
We'll see you there. Break a leg!
Yeah, whatever.
What does it mean
if instead of a purse,
a woman carries a tattered grocery bag?
Uh, hey.
Hello.
Is Peggy here?
Uh, no, she's not.
Uh, can I help you?
I'm her husband.
I'm Jamie.
Uh, I know Carolyn.
We're friends.
Close friends.
Oh. Well, that Carolyn is great.
She's quite a catch there, Jamie.
What do you say to a beer?
I say, 'Where have you been all morning?"
(laughs) Good one!
Yeah, I'll have to remember that one.
So, Carolyn needs me to find Peggy before the show.
When do you expect her back?
Well, she had to get something for her costume.
She called it a sequin emergency.
I asked her to call it something else, but she refused.
Then she's going right to the club.
I'll just, uh, catch her there.
Bye, guys.
I like nice people.
Show time!
If she wasn't dead, I'd swear you were the real thing.
Peggy...
That Diana Ross looks freaking amazing.
We are going to have to pretend
sing our hearts out to outshine her.
Honey, we can't do the routine.
I have something to tell you.
Well, what is it?
(exhaling)
Peggy, I'm a drag queen.
But I thought most drag queens were men.
I am a man.
I'd take off my wig to show you,
but it's too close to curtain.
So then I don't understand why you invited me
to do this show with you in the first place...
Oh, my God.
You thought I was a man?
We had the same size feet,
and you were shopping at The Closet.
It's a store for drag queens, Peggy.
I-I didn't know.
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
I thought you were the best I'd ever seen.
It doesn't!
Hey, Sug...
here we are! What kind of place is this?
(sobbing)
Come on, Peggy Hill. Open the door!
We're here to comfort you.
Sorry everybody thinks you're a man, Aunt Peggy.
You knowhow everybody is.
Go away!
Sug, you coached a women's softball league.
If that's not feminine, I don't know what is.
We're trying to cheer her up, not tick her off.
You want to get punched in the face?
That woman's got fists like frozen turkeys.
I could still hear you, ya know.
(phone ringing)
Don't answer it.
Well, Peggy, that's like telling a lie.
You just don't do that. (phone ringing)
Fine. Then I'm not here.
(phone ringing) But that's also a lie.
Hill residence.
Uh, she's not here.
Okay, Carolyn.
Dang it.
Did she think you were me?
I do sound like a man apparently.
What are you talking about?
Carolyn, my friend,
is really a man who dresses up like a woman.
Now, now hold on.
That doesn't make any sense.
And he thought that I was also a man dressed as a woman,
but I am not.
I am a woman who looks like a man.
What? No, you're not.
Then why is it that the only woman
I can relate to is a man?
And here I was feeling feminine for the first time in my life.
I have never felt so ugly!
Isn't this something you should be talking about
with your girlfriends?
You know, like that Carolyn.
Hank, are you even listening to me?
(sobbing)
Hello, Carolyn.
I was calling to get Jamie's number.
Oh, he is? Oh, that'd be great.
Hello, Jamie.
Can I take your order?
Uh... I'll have a normal orange juice, please.
Make it normal.
Okay, and which nutrient booster?
Uh, no, no, I won't be needing anymore nutrients.
I'm having a steak later.
Thanks for meeting me.
I, uh... I have to talk to you
about something that I can't talk about with the guys.
Sure, Hank, shoot.
Well, my wife is really upset.
I think maybe she and Carolyn had a fight or something.
I don't know.
Has Carolyn talked to you about this?
She has. And believe me, she adores Peggy.
She thinks she's a model of femininity.
Actually, she wishes she could be more like her.
Well, Carolyn's one of the best girlfriends
Peggy has ever had.
You think maybe you could talk to Carolyn,
see if they can't patch things up?
Yes, she'll take care of this.
Women need to work out their problems emotionally.
Boy, I've gotto hand it to you, Jamie.
You sure do know a lot about women.
Oh, shoot.
Sorry your food is ruined. We've got pizza.
My mom just got me a credit card, so we went crazy.
Wow, thanks.
This book stinks!
No, dude, every time you do a prank,
something good happens.
That's a magic book!
(sighing): I don't know.
I do. You've got to prank me, dude.
Oh, okay.
Make me rich and handsome.
If your hand is bigger than your face,
all your wishes will come true.
Cool.
Ow!
So, am I handsome?
(grunting)
(doorbell ringing)
Oh, hello. Peggy, it's Carolyn.
Peggy, stop right there.
What do you want?
I want you to drop that sad blanket and come with me.
I need to show you something.
Will I be humiliated in anyway?
I swear on my mother's unwavering support
that you will not.
Uh, Peggy, I don't like to butt into your affairs,
but you should go with her.
Whatever you've been going through,
well, I think Carolyn can help.
Fine.
I will get my purse.
And grab your trash bag full of clothes.
Hurry! Why?
It's just more dramatic.
Have a seat, Peggy.
Girls, this is Peggy Hill.
She is the one responsible for that great tip
about the lipstick and the one about the glasses.
Look at me. I'm a girl again.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
No, wait. I...
Is this what I think it is?
A denim vest with appliqués on it?
Oh, I want that.
It's so Mandrell Sisters VarietyHour!
Mm-hmm, I had a feeling
your stuff would go quickly here.
So this is why you brought me here?
To show me that a bunch of men want my clothes?
A bunch of men who want to look like women want your clothes.
Uh-huh.
But, come on, aren't you all more impressed by women
who are fancier and daintier and girlier?
Honey, wispy women are a dime a dozen.
You said it, girl.
Yeah, baby.
Peggy, drag queens model themselves after strong,
substantial, fearless women,
women who aren't afraid to wear purple gauchos
and MC Hammer glasses,
women who only need one name to describe themselves,
like Liza, Barbra and Cher.
You, my dear, are simply Peggy.
Peggy.
That does make sense.
Girl, you are fierce.
Deal with it.
I have gotto have these platform sneakers.
They are yours.
PEGGY: Okay, who's hoarding the turtle necks?
I know you've got them!
CAROLYN'S MOTHER: Let no one clip your wings, baby.
Ripped By mstoll
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