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Ripped By mstoll
ALL: Surprise!
HANK: Heh-heh.
Eh, we get her every year.
This is the one day a year
my Dad disappoints me.
Feeling a little left out, are ya, Bobby?
Well, you shouldn't.
I got something in the truck just for you.
You like your birthday bone, don't you, girl?
BOBBY: Look, everybody!
(humming)
What the hell is that?
It's my new pet, Josh!
Lucky gave it to me.
He's gonna be such a great father.
Get that snake off you this instant!
I will not sit by
and watch you be strangled in my very own home!
Lucky, you're taking that dang thing back.
I don't know, Hank.
Snakes make pretty cool pets.
They don't have legs, so they can't run away from you.
And no matter how hard you cuddle it,
you can't break it.
No! Snakes are awful pets.
It's like a breathing stick
staring at you all weird. Now put it down.
Okay.
(shrieking): It's coming to kill me!
It knows I'm a Christian!
(Hissing)
(Shuddering)
Whoa, I ain't never seen it do that before.
It's agitated.
Somebody go get Dale.
If I leave,
you guys will let me back in, right?
(Whimpers)
People should just have dogs.
Well, Dale, what do you think?
You think you might want to grab it?
This is going to take time, Hank.
I'm trying to break its spirit,
but it's an Alpha snake whilst I am
clearly a Beta snake.
(All gasping)
Clever opening gambit.
Game on.
Ha!
Welp, it's in the toilet. Too late.
No, it's not. Quick, grab it.
Sorry, Hank. I'm a private contractor.
This is now a public matter.
Once that snake's head
crosses the rim threshold
it's the county's problem.
Countys problem?
Come on. Do something.
Not to worry, the County Animal Control guys are the best.
I have personally seen Tommy and Rollo
kill a gopher with a pigeon.
HANK: The species
is a Burmese python, around six feet long.
It escaped down the toilet at 11:46.
So what do you want us to do about it?
Uh, I'd like you to catch it.
(Sighing)
Little League field's clean.
They don't pay us enough for this.
And this yahoo wants us to catch his pet snake.
It's not my pet,
but it is your job.
Yeah, well we don't get paid the kind of money
the cops and firemen do. Not even close.
But when City Hall's run over by possums
they don't make 'em disappear; we do.
Yeah, you think it's just magic.
Well, it's the kind of magic you do
with a ball peen hammer in a deserted place.
This is the magic I believe in.
I pay my taxes and you find that snake.
People hate them and if they find out
that a six-foot one is loose in the sewer,
it could cause a panic.
Panic? Hmm.
Maybe this could cause a panic.
Mr. Hill,
I am putting this matter to the top of our agenda.
Here's a form that will expedite things.
Ah, finally. Paperwork.
Now we're getting somewhere.
That guy's serious.
We might have to do something.
We are going to do something:
Nothing.
The longer that snake is out there,
the more the town panics, the more valuable we become.
That snake is our ticket
to crazy overtime.
Well, all I know is
I had to raise a little hell in there.
But sometimes that's what you gotta do
to get the proper forms.
MIGUEL HERNANDEZ: And switching now to a breaking story,
we go live to the Heimlich County
Animal Control Department.
A 12-foot-long Burmese python escaped earlier today.
From what we can piece together,
an untrained animal hobbyist, Hank Hill,
purchased this animal as a joke,
grew bored with it, and apparently
flushed it down the toilet.
That's not true!
I don't believe this.
They're lying on the news.
Are they talking about Josh?
People think these animals make good pets,
but they don't. They're cold-blooded killers.
Literally.
(sighs): Chilling. And now we
go to our own Nancy Hicks Gribble, live on the scene.
No, no. Don't show our house. No!
Thanks, Miguel.
Neighbors, such as myself,
describe Mr. Hill as a quiet and somewhat rigid man
and the last person you'd expect to release
such a deadly threat
into this community's hearts and homes.
(Sighs)
You know, I always thought we'd be on TV
for being murdered in our sleep.
Dang it, my phone is ringing off the hook.
You boys need to catch this snake.
That's what I told them!
We are doing everything possible.
The snake that was set loose
in our community is a vicious predator
and it cannot be caught on the cheap.
It's going to take time.
It might take
time and a half.
Golden time...
and hazard pay. Thank you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Our budgets too tight as it is.
This is a crisis of public safety, Don.
It appears my colleague here is soft on snakes.
Are you kidding me?
Nobody hates snakes more than I do.
Well, you sure have a funny way of showing it.
If anyone knows my history,
he knows I'm tough on snakes.
That's right. Uh-huh.
As chairman, I move we allocate
more money to snake eradication.
This isn't about money!
Just make these people do their jobs.
I say we don't just allocate "some money,"
we allocate all money needed!
I say on top of that we get these boys
another full-time Animal Control Officer
to help win my war on snakes.
Hmm.
(screams)
Dale, get on your cleanest jumpsuit
because you are going to apply
for that job with County Animal Control.
An opening?
But I don't have the chops to work with Tommy and Rollo.
Why do you like these guys so much?
So far all they've done is blame me and asked for money.
Well, I always blame you and ask for money.
Maybe I could fit in!
Mr. Gribble?
Yes, ridiculous name. I know.
What makes you think you can be a snake hunter?
To be honest, I have no business even sitting here
with you gentlemen.
I am unqualified, uncertified, and untrained.
I have no references.
I am prone to nervousness,
and when nervous, I vomit in my mouth.
Dale, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.
As a matter of fact,
you're exactly what we're looking for.
Really?
Are you sure?
Go on home,
make love to your wife,
and then come back here ready to be a hero.
But...
But she's at work.
I'll figure it out.
(humming)
He's perfect.
That moron couldn't find a snake
if he was wearing it for a necktie.
Kill you later!
Oh, what the hell.
(Squirrel chittering)
There's no reason for this panic.
There's never been one instance
of a snake jumping out of a toilet and biting someone.
I even went on the...
(sighs): The Web.
It's funny how much one little snake can change a man's life.
My bathroom used to be
where I went to find comfort and peace.
Now it's the sum of all my fears.
Yeah man, it's like I don't even have a dang ol' place
m read my dang a! Newspaper no more, man.
Don't worry about a thing.
Now that Dale Gribble, Animal Control Specialist,
has joined what my wife, the media,
has dubbed Team Snake Hunt,
that snake is all but caught.
Sha sha sha.
BILL: Whoa.
And best part of all, I'm working with my idols.
It would be like Boomhauer working with Wilt Chamberlin
or Hank working with, uh...
Dr. Propane, I'm assuming.
(sighs): Just promise
that you'll catch that snake soon.
I get more looks and whispers
than that bank teller who's in between genders.
Well, this has been a great first day.
You guys have introduced me to sudoku
and we came up with our theme song.
Now, this might be the pedicure talking,
but when are we gonna catch that snake?
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
If we rush into this, then the snake has won.
Huh. Gentlemen,
here are your beers and your banana splits.
Enjoy.
And by the way, your bill has been taken care of.
Thank you, Team Snake Hunt!
(Applause)
(giggles)
WOMAN: Thanks, guys.
Hey!
NEWSCASTER: We begin
with an "Arlen Snake Alarm" update.
(Sighs)
Just turn the channel.
I hope you're proud of yourself, Hank.
'Cause of you, I gotta find someplace besides the commode
to do my business.
Huh?
I didn't have anything to do
with this snake.
It was a gift...
To, to my son...
See, it was my dog's birthday...
Uh, no one has anything to worry about.
The toilets are safe.
Don't buy into this media frenzy.
Let's hear you say that sitting on a toilet, honey.
It was one of the few pleasures in my life,
and you took it away.
(Sighs)
ANNOUNCER (on TV): For the shopping experience of a lifetime,
drive up to the McMaynerbury Mall, snake-free since 1982!
(Hissing)
Damn, waiting for this foam will be the death of me.
You know, the firemen have a self-frothing machine.
Yeah, and the cops have new headquarters
and those matching ATVs.
Why are we always at the bottom of the food chain?
Because they all have bond measures.
You know how it works,
cops can't catch criminals
unless Bond Measure C passes.
(mocking in child's voice): Librarians will shut down the children's weading woom
if Bond Measure L doesn't pass.
Hmm.
If Team Snake Hunt gets its own bond measure,
we can have any cappuccino machine we want.
Hell, yeah!
Bond Measure... S for Snake.
What do you say, brother?
I don't know anything about bond measures.
That's the beauty of it. Nobody does.
But they all vote "Yes"!
And once the bond measure passes,
then we'll catch the snake?
You got it, buddy.
Once Bond Measure S passes, that snake is toast.
(Camera shutter clicks)
(screaming)
(no audible dialogue)
(sighs)
I keep looking up at the sky
and wondering if Josh is looking up at the same sky.
You'll feel better after you build a bear.
KAHN: Hey, Hank Hill,
snake scandal devalue my property more
than Dauterive sunbathing on front lawn.
It true. I checked.
Dale, you'd better have a snake in that backpack.
Don't be ridiculous.
How would I put a snake in my pack
with all my sophisticated snake finding equipment:
Like my personal ionic air purifier,
my anti-fog mirror and CD player,
and my monogrammed flotation device?
What do you need with all that stuff?
(Laughs)
Don't be embarrassed by your ignorance, Hank.
You, as a citizen idiot,
would have no idea how to catch a snake.
Dang it, Dale.
I made you get that county job
to make sure those guys did their job and caught that snake.
Have you even looked down in the sewers?
We don't just willy-nilly go down in the sewers, Hank.
It takes strategy, planning.
In fact, Tommy and Rollo are in the Snake Control Room
as we speak planning our next move.
The what?
The Snake Control Room?
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
It's probably just the copy room.
The copy room?
I don't think all the monitors, sensors,
and tracking devices would fit in the copy room.
I think the Snake Control Room is more like the Danger Room
from the X-Men.
So you've seen it?
Of course.
I mean, uh, I've been outside the door.
I don't have clearance to...
It's, uh, it's a lengthy review process.
Huh.
Come on, Dale.
We're going to see what those giblet-heads are really up to.
Guys?
Um, I know you said never to bother you
when you're in the War Room,
but I need to talk to you about something.
Guys?
(techno music playing)
You were right, Hank.
They're frauds.
We're going into the sewer.
Let's go kill a snake and a bond measure.
These public sewers are labyrinthian... tine.
Since Tommy and Rollo never actually trained me,
we could get lost down there.
I'll become one of the mysterious sewer people.
Over time, my memories of the English language
will disappear, and I'll be forced to invent my own.
(Speaking gibberish)
Get moving, Dale.
"Dear Ex-Idols:
"Someone needs to catch that snake
"and I guess it's gonna be me.
"P.S. I signed for your executive dartboard
"from The Sharper Image.
It's on the wall."
Holy crap, he's going in the sewer.
That Boy Scout is gonna crash our gravy train.
We gotta stop him.
We're actually inside Arlen's colon.
It's kind of spooky down here.
Do you think poop has ghosts?
Apparently, not everyone was afraid to use their toilets.
Look, it's a wheel from a child's tricycle.
This is a place of terrible beauty.
ROLLO: Wait, did you hear something?
Dale?
Wait a second. That was Rollo's voice.
They're after us!
Well, how'd they even know we were down here?
Probably the note I left.
Come on!
We've gotta hurry up and catch that snake.
(Squeaking)
The snake! Quick, grab it.
(screams, grunting)
(grunting): I got a hold of it!
It's trying to wrap itself around me,
but it didn't count on my strategy
of me wrapping around it!
(Laughs)
(grunting)
I did it!
I'm not sure that's Bobby's snake.
Oh, my God, it's not.
Oh, Lord in Heaven above.
Don't worry, Hank.
I've got three weeks of exterminating to catch up on.
Where to begin?
Eenie-meenie-minie kill!
(Grunting)
Ha!
Dale!
Look at that vermin pit.
More like money pit.
Dale, stop killing our money right now.
What the hell happened to you?
You used to be reptile- and rodent-killing machines.
Now you're practically veterinarians.
Hey, nobody gave a damn about us till the snake showed up,
and no one will give a damn about us once it's gone.
That's why you kill?
For appreciation?
From people like him?
You know why you should do it?
Because it's your job and you're getting a paycheck.
Or how about you do it
because right now Dale's wife,
Channel 84's Nancy Hicks Gribble,
is on her way to the Animal Control Office.
She's gonna expose what really goes on
in that Snake Control Room.
What do you want?
I want you to end this madness
and publicly repudiate Bond Measure S.
(Hissing)
There's Josh!
Are you with me, brothers?
(Grunting)
Yaw. Yam!
Ugh.
Hey, if, uh, if Bobby asks,
we let Josh go on a farm.
DALE: Yah!
(Rollo laughs)
And since my raison d'etre,
i.e. The Burmese python, has been eradicated.
I hereby resign my position.
But what about future snake threats?
Don't we need Bond Measure S to safeguard our children?
Oh, yes, the children. Yeah, what about 'em?
Bond Measure S is nothing more
than an expensive government boondoggle
that in no way will help us with our efforts in Animal Control.
With one percent of the precincts in,
we are projecting that Bond Measure A,
The Clean Air for Our Children to Breathe bond measure,
will pass 62%to 38%.
Oh!
You hear that, little baby?
You're going to be able to breathe.
As did Bond Measure F,
The Children Are Our Future initiative,
with 67% of the vote.
Children really are our future, you know.
And in a stunning upset,
Bond Measure S for a Snake-Free Arlen
squeaked by with only 59% of the vote.
Tell me about the farm again, Dad.
Uh, yeah, well, uh, it's a really great place,
I tell you what, especially for a snake.
You know, lots of, uh, lots of mice, I guess,
that, uh, that Josh ate.
That's Josh, all right.
Tell me more.
Well, it's a... it's a good farm.
(Dale speaking gibberish)
Ripped By mstoll
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