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Ripped By mstoll
LUANNE: You know...
you are so lucky to go to prom.
I never got to go to mine.
Yeah, uh-huh. I don't know
if I should get a blowout or an updo.
I missed my prom because I had to testify against my momma.
Everyone got the most romantic night of their life,
and all I got was my momma sent to jail.
I think I'll get an updo.
The bailiff that had
to wrestle my mamma had an updo.
(voice cracking): You're gonna look so pretty.
(crying)
I put some syrup in your soda
because I know you like stuff sweet.
How many spoons?
I don't know. I just poured.
Bobby, you poured good.
Why don't you treat yourself to one?
You sure know how to live, Lucky.
I had such a stressful day.
I can't wait till prom season is over on Saturday.
Then you and me and teenie Lucky
can go out on a romantic date.
You know I would love to,
but right now I'm rigging my truck for stumping.
What's "stumping"?
It's when you go hunting for a stump of burled walnut...
The most valuable of all the trophy woods...
And pull it out of the ground.
I'll come with you.
I could brew some sun tea
and bring a picnic basket.
The ants will get into our food
and then we'll laugh and laugh.
I'm sorry, but stumping is a gentleman's pursuit.
So is sticking and catfisting and everything you do.
Luanne, my life would be easier without this passion,
but it wouldn't be as full.
Uh, Peggy, my steak
seems kind of small.
You're not pulling the new guidelines on me, are you?
No, I am not.
I just didn't realize that Luanne
would be with us tonight,
sol had to re-portion.
I thought I was going out with Lucky,
but he doesn't have the time to spend with me.
(sighing)
Huh. So I guess you had nowhere else to go?
Hank. (crying)
What's she want? A piece off my plate?
There's not a whole lot there.
YEP- YEP-
Mm-hmm.
I've had it since I was 12,
a constant, high-pitched ringing in my left ear.
I guess it's something I'll just
have to learn to live with.
Luanne's not home, Lucky.
We're not here to see Luanne.
We came to visit you, Uncle Hank.
See, I'm looking to get more power into my winch.
Hmm, continue.
You see, winches ain't something the three of us know.
What I know abouts dogs.
You need something done about a dog,
I'm the one you see.
Lucky, your man's making me nervous.
Mud Dauber didn't mean to scare you.
Did you, Mud Dauber? Not at present.
He's just upset
'cause he and Elvin can't help me
bring in a 48 inch stump of burled walnut.
It's not we don't want to.
It's all 'cause judge says
we can't cross the county line.
Boy, I've never heard of a 48 inch
stump of burled walnut.
You're talking diameter, right?
He don't talk nothing else.
It's real, all right.
My Grandpappy first found it back in 1923.
Grandpappy was on a church picnic,
and got separated from his group.
A storm came up over the hills and Grandpappy
had to take shelter in what fumed out to be the most
valuable stump in all of Texas.
As fate would have it,
Grandpappy took ill and was called to his maker
before he had a chance to bring it in.
I hunted that piece of walnut for many a year.
And then one day I finally found it.
Se! My winch to it and everything.
But the cable snapped.
I went to the Costco to buy a new one,
slipped on pee pee, got my settlement moneys
and the rest is history.
That stump was worth $15,000,
and that's in back then dollars.
And due to Elvin and Mud Dauber's... indiscretions,
I am down fellow adventurers.
I've always wanted to see walnut in the wild.
And Boomhauer's always wanted
a walnut dashboard.
Yeah, and my rifle could use a burled walnut stock.
And I need a walnut... hat!
And I... Oh, I just want to come.
You know, in the old days,
that stuff would be crawling with nits.
Don't worry, little boy. I'm going to give
you the best cut ever!
Because prom pictures are forever.
As are not prom pictures,
which are all I have.
I'm not going to the prom. I can't.
Of course you can.
Everyone goes to the prom now,
even the crippled and the gay.
I don't have a date.
Really?
I'd go with you in a heartbeat.
(quivering breaths)
Well... would you like to go with me to the prom?
Me? Oh.
You are such a sweet boy.
I would love to, but...
I already have a fiancé.
Oh. Hey, I've got nothing going on that night
if you wanna grab a taco.
I'm not saying stumping isn't risky.
When you're out there with nothing but chains,
beer and a winch, you could rip your arm off
and there ain't no one out there to sue.
(vehicle approaching)
Hey, Baby Girl,
and my girl's baby.
Look at my new winch.
That's nice.
Hey Lucky,
the inspectors are letting That's Amore
open back up tomorrow night.
Well, bring me home some osso bucco then,
'cause me and the boys are going out.
Fine, then I, too, will be going out
with a boy as well.
To the Arlen High School Prom.
I have been asked.
No way, Luanne.
You will not wear
another man's wrist corsage.
If you are not going to take me out on a Saturday night,
or ever, why shouldn't I go?
Because I've seen the movies
and I know what goes on at prom.
You're sitting this one out.
Nu-uh, I'm not!
Prom night is the most romantic night of the year,
and I am not spending it alone again.
Luanne, I'm not messing around here.
If you go to that prom...
Well, that does it!
Well, if you go stumping, then...
then that does it!
Oh, no!
Don't do this, you guys!
Lay down your pride and give way to the glory of love!
I'm going stumpin'.
Well, I guess that does it.
PEGGY: I cannot believe
someone in this family is finally going to their prom.
I could have gone with an ugly or unpopular guy,
but I stuck by my principles.
Sometimes I wish my leg was a stump
so Lucky would pay attention to me.
Is that wrong? Yes.
You should not be fantasizing
about being a hunk of wood.
You should be thinking
about this magical night ahead.
The gymnasium will be transformed
with glitter and crepe paper.
There might even be balloons in the basketball hoops.
I never dreamed that going to a dance
with a 15-year-old boy
I barely know could be so wonderful!
Oh!
Oh, Luanne, tomorrow night,
I will be living vicariously through you.
Thank you!
Okay, when you dance, I want you to do it in a way
that will make people form a circle around you and clap.
So, what'll it be- the Linda Evans
or the Joan Collins?
Come on, Bobby!
Keep brushing!
You've got to flatten this thing out!
I'm trying, but it keeps on jumping back!
(doorbell rings)
PEGGY: Who is it?
KEVIN: I'm kind of having a tux emergency.
(gasps): It's Kevin!
You can't be here!
It's bad luck to see me before the prom!
I think that's on your wedding day, Luanne.
Oh.
This was all the tux shop had left.
I thought I'd look like James Bond.
I'm not gonna look like James Bond.
Oh, Kevin, don't worry.
What you wear is so much less important
than what I'm wearing.
What's wrong?
Them.
LUANNE: That's just Elvin and Mud Dauber.
Go away! Git!
I'm busy!
Who the hell is he?
This is my friend, Kevin.
Kevin is taking me to the prom.
So you're out going to some damn prom
behind Luckys back?
Who's Lucky? Shut up.
Aunt Peggy!
Elvin and Mud Dauber are making trouble!
Not in my house.
Not unless you want some of this.
Relax.
It's just oven cleaner, but they don't know that.
We've been off road for a while now, Lucky.
Do you have a map?
Uh-huh.
Must be an implant.
I wonder who did his.
The guy who did mine did not inspire confidence.
(cell phone ringing)
Lucky here. What?
Ow!
You sure about that?
Well, Luanne's made her decision.
She's going to the prom with that kid.
Uh...
when you're stumpin',
you don't talk about relationships, right?
Nope.
Well, all right.
What did Lucky say?
Oh, he's hurtin'.
I can tell it in his voice.
We got to make this right.
(Elvin imitates high-pitched squeal of tire deflating)
I wonder what sound you'll make.
(sighs): I'm 15 years old, and I'm a high school senior.
I've lived through everything.
I've been teased, I've been pantsed,
I've had my head shoved in the toilet.
What can you do to me that hasn't been done?
Kill you.
Luanne, you look almost lovely.
Almost?
That's why I want you to have this.
(gasps): A tiara!
It's so beautiful.
Just take good care of it.
It has been in the family since Halloween of 1973.
(Hank sighs)
Five men,
one stump.
This is the sort of thing they write books about.
You know what would make for an even better book?
If one of us turned into a werewolf right now.
(exaggerated grunting)
Uh, can't do it.
(thudding)
You okay?
We're getting close.
That was the exact same gopher hole
I tripped in years ago.
And that's the same branch I hit my head on.
I stumbled forward on my hands and knees for 15...
No, 16 paces until...
Oh!
(gasps)
There it is!
(cackling hysterically)
(Bill and Dale laughing)
Oh, my God.
That's six burls per square inch.
I've found you, you burled son of a bitch!
(doorbell rings)
It's my prom date!
Coming!
This is such a magical night!
I feel just like Cinderella!
Little boy, did you used to be a mouse?
I'm Kevin's brother.
He asked me to bring you this.
Oh, my God!
Kevin isn't taking me to the prom.
(gasps)
I used to have a fiancé who loved me!
Then he left me, and I thought,
"Oh, well, I get to go to the prom.
At least I'll get to be happy one night!"
But now,
I'll never be happy ever again!
Why is this happening, Kevin's little brother?
Do you have any candy?
(crying)
I have no candy, either!
(sobbing)
(quietly): Go ahead, Bobby, ask her.
(quietly): Don't make me, please!
(sobbing)
Ugh!
Luanne, I know it's not for a few years,
but will you go to my prom with me?
(frightened gasp)
Oh, honey, crying will not make this go away.
I Will.
There's nothing to do, Aunt Peggy.
Lucky's gone.
And Kevin's gone.
Maybe I'll just crash the prom and...
everyone will suffer.
Well, I cannot make Lucky a better man.
But I think I can help.
Come on, get your tiara.
PEGGY: Kevin!
You are taking Luanne to the prom.
You have to take me, Kevin! I traded my fiancé for this!
But those men said they'll kill me.
They'll have to get past me first.
Well, you are pretty scary.
Yes, I am.
Now are you gonna to clip on this bow tie, or am I?
Okay, guys, looks like we're a little short on cable.
So all we need is to get a few crowbars
underneath the stump
and leverage up about six inches.
Then Lucky and I will pull the winch cable taut,
lock it on
and pull it out.
All right, I'm ready, let's go. Let's go, man.
Yay!
Okay, Lucky, let's do it.
One, two, three... now!
Just another inch or two!
(grunting and groaning)
Lucky, put your weight into it!
Oh, man, come on, man.
Lucky!
Have you seen this picture
of Luanne eating pancakes?
What sounds good to eat?
I'm not really hungry.
No, no, no, this is going to be
the best night of my life, damn it!
You will have chicken and I will have steak!
Just like I always imagined!
(gasps)
Kevin, you've got nothing to worry about.
Elvin and Mud Dauber are not going to do anything to you.
Not when they're already on probation for violent crime.
What did they do?
I don't know. Something with a nail gun.
Oh, there's an old lady selling roses.
We will take one!
Oh, face it,
she was meant for better men than us.
We were so close.
I've never felt closer to anyone.
Talkin' bout ol' giving up, man.
Come on, man, you ain't got no pain, there ain't no gain, man.
Boomhauer is right.
It took this long to find it,
we're not letting it go. Yay!
So, Uncle Hank, you think I should apologize to Luanne
and tell her that I love her with all my heart
and if I can't do something with her,
it's not worth doing at all?
(Sighs)
Don't take this the wrong way, Lucky,
but I sincerely don't care what you do.
I got ya.
Okay, let's do it!
(engine starting)
Huh.
Everything looks so beautiful.
Would you start having a good time?
This night is going to make up for how crappy my life is.
Let's dance.
I don't know.
Come on, it's easy.
I put my head here
and you put your hand right here,
and maybe if you're lucky you'll feel the baby kick.
Okay, go ahead.
Not so fast.
Okay, next.
Elvin? What?
Have you ever been bit by a brown recluse spider?
If I had, I'd be dead,
and you wouldn't be asking me about it now, would you?
Shh. I see 'em.
Touch dancing.
(wood creaking)
Did you hear something?
Kevin, we're fine.
It's completely safe.
(gasps)
Aunt Peggy, help!
Coming!
Kevin, you are going to have to fight.
I can't.
I know you think you can't.
But when pushed too far,
you nerds always have amazing strength.
You can punch the bully out with one punch.
I can't get a grip.
He's wriggling like a frog.
Then whomp him like one.
Kevin, summon your amazing strength.
(loud honking)
(gasps)
There a problem here, boys?
Nothing can't be fixed.
Let the boy go, Elvin.
Did you get your stump?
I did a lot of thinking out in those woods, Luanne.
And I came to realize...
that you are my stump.
Oh, Lucky.
I missed you.
I'm gonna go now.
Not so fast, boy.
My girl wants to have a prom,
and I'm not dressed for one myself,
so go ahead and be her date.
But the last dance is mine.
And tell the D.J. The last song
is gonna be "25 Or 6 To 4" by the great Chicago.
Oh!
(trembling breaths)
DALE: I'm so cold.
We're all cold, Dale.
If we huddle together,
we'll retain our heat and we won't get hypothermia.
Not a chance.
Come on, Hank.
No one will ever know.
I will. And that's enough.
(Chicago's "25 Or 6 To 4" playing)
LUANNE: Summon your amazing strength.
Ripped By mstoll
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