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Ripped By mstoll
HANK (sighs): It's not an "endless salad bar"
if they bring you the entree right away.
I mean, you have the right to more salad,
but once you've got your meat,
you're not going back, and they know it.
Message!
Maybe it's that guy
trying to call his parole officer again.
Or it could be that SUV's owner thanking me for the note
suggesting they learn to park better.
And the mystery caller is...
Just play the dang message.
COTTON: Of course you're not there!
(disgusted groan): Oh, Cotton.
But you better be tomorrow,
'cause I'm finally getting rid of my vehicle.
I'll arrive at 1200 hours to turn over the keys. That is all.
I'll be darned.
Dad's finally letting go of his Cadillac.
That cars taken me
to some of the greatest events of my childhood.
Football games, baseball games,
basketball games.
It's been like a member of the family.
Except that Cotton loved it.
Huh.
Yeah.
Yep, my dad should be here with the car any minute now.
I still remember the day he brought that car home.
It was on my birthday.
After that it became known as the cars birthday.
Now we'll finally be able to celebrate together.
Remember how we'd ride back from Boy Scouts
and I'd talk too much,
and Cotton would throw me in the trunk?
It was like a crazy roller coaster back there,
bouncing around with all those guns.
Yeah, man, talkin' about them old good times, man.
(car horn plays "La Cucaracha") Here it comes!
(car horn plays "La Cucaracha")
It's in perfect tune.
Good noon, Colonel!
Yeah, Dad, thanks for coming.
I appreciate the chance to buy a piece of our family history.
Buy it? The only thing you get is the chance to wash it.
Do a good job for once.
I don't want your cousin Dusty
finding any dog dirt on the pedals.
Dusty? Well, what's he got to do with it?
He called and made me an offer, right out of the blue.
You're selling it to him?
Nah. I'm giving it to him.
I couldn't take money
from my brothers boy.
Dusty's always been like a son to me.
I'm your son!
I suppose.
But Dusty's already got
more cars than he knows what to do with.
He sure as heck doesn't deserve this one.
You can keep the bucket, but give these to Dusty.
And that's how I get to the grocery store.
No. I swear to you Hank isn't here.
Now, as I was saying...
Oh, Hank just walked in.
It's Dusty.
My mistake.
It was just a bird caught in the curtains.
Okay, bye-
What did he want?
Dusty is coming in from Houston tomorrow to pick up the car.
(groans): Oh, great.
While he's here, he can take some other things I care about.
It was nice being married to you, Peggy.
Come on, Hank.
So you and Dusty don't get along.
That makes this a great opportunity
to patch things up.
Patch things up?
Don't you remember our wedding?
How he and his buddies got up on stage with the band?
"Just one song, Hank."
Which is all he played... One song.
Yeah, "Radar Love," with a got-dang 20-minute bass solo.
(sighs): I'd better go tell Bobby the truth about Dusty.
It was crazy for me to think he'd never find out.
HANK (sighs): Uh, son,
every family has its secrets.
Now...
I'm gonna play this tape,
and you're gonna see some things that, uh...
(groans): This is harder than I thought.
Just watch, if you can.
(rock music playing)
(Hank sighs)
You see, Bobby,
I have a cousin named Dusty.
He's the one with the beard.
The-the one on the left.
We're related to ZZ Top?!
Not so loud, son.
See, rock stars have different morals and values and...
Stop that!
(turns off music) Now, Dusty's coming by the house tomorrow.
Do not ask him what time it is.
He always says, "It's time to rock."
I bet the first thing Dusty does with this car
is put flames on the front of it
like he did with his go-cart.
Yeah, like that made it go faster.
Wait, it didn't?
Dusty's always been about flash.
Have you ever looked at our high school yearbook?
Many, many times.
He and his idiot friends snuck into every activities picture.
Remember how they tricked you into thinking
that Tom Landry died.
Yeah, and then when he finally did die, I didn't believe it,
and I went to work anyway.
I'm still mortified.
They were always pulling those practical jokes on me.
(all laughing)
So-So I'm getting a propane award, huh?
Wow, this is such an honor.
I - Is Commissioner Hogarth here?
DUSTY: Hey, everyone, we've hired a new dancer!
What?!
(all laughing)
(sighs): Idiots.
KAHN: Say...
nice Caddy.
Cotton gave it to Hank's cousin Dusty.
Bit of a sore point.
Your cousin, eh?
Isn't that hillbilly term for wife?
Th-There's a taxi coming!
I bet it's Dusty.
Famous people like to be kissed on the cheek, right?
I'm thinking about doing that.
There they are!
Hey, Hank.
Dale. Bill. Boomhauer.
Dusty Hill?!
Hank Hill?!
Why didn't you say you were related to the man
whose band helped launch the story-driven music video?
Well, you just answered your own question.
I got to get Minh!
"Tush" is her favorite song!
Say!
The old gal looks pretty snazzy.
Yeah, well, anyway, uh, you'll probably want
to be getting back to Houston and your current wife.
You know,
while I was out there touring and making records and whatnot,
I let some things slip by that really matter to me.
Friends,
family.
I guess what I'm trying to say is,
it's be nice spending a couple of days
hanging out with you, just catching up.
Well, uh, I don't know, uh...
(Bobby squeals)
Is this him?! Are you him?
Oh, my God!
Can I speak at him, please?
Looks like your dad's raising you right.
Uh, I guess so.
Well, you know, Dusty, it's a long trip from Houston.
Why don't you come in and have some ice tea and...?
MAN: Cut!
We need to reset from
"I let some things slip that mattered to me."
We're getting too much glare
from the skinny guy's sunglasses.
What the heck's going on?
I'm the star of my own reality show.
You and I won't just be hanging out,
we'll be doing it on TV.
Finally!
They are shooting
a freakin' reality show!
Did you get that?
That was me discovering you're shooting a reality show.
This could be my big break!
Bobby, get inside.
Good lord, Dusty, did you run out
of ways to embarrass yourself?
No, this is going to be great, Hank.
America wants reality,
and I'm the guy to give it to 'em.
Buh! You sure are, Dust.
Paul Portis, ImPORTant Productions.
He's the best.
Check out the title for our show:
Behind The Beard.
You're welcome.
You think everything's fun and games, Dusty.
Well, it's not.
Yeah, well, you might change your mind
after you see your dog.
Okay, that tears it!
I am sick of you messing with me.
(sighs): Boy, I actually thought Dusty might have changed,
but he's just the same flashy pain in my neck
he used to be. What a joke.
Joke?
Did you see the way Bobby lit up when he saw those cameras?
I walked into his room this morning
and he was... he was singing into a hairbrush.
Uh-huh, uh-huh! Go on!
You know, sometimes
when things went wrong with Cotton,
I just thought,
"Well, at least I'm getting that car one day."
And now he just swoops in and takes it.
Your joke made me sad.
PORTIS: This is not interesting at all.
We need something else!
(laughing): You should check this out!
This guy doesn't get angry. He becomes anger.
It really pops.
I'm gonna punch you silly.
Gonna knock your teeth in, I tell you...
You got-dang...
That tears it!
Watch the vein in his head.
You could add jungle drums each time it throbs.
(drums playing)
(drum volume decreases)
There's your act break, people, and your bus-side,
your grocery separator
and your cover of TV frickin' Guide.
This is our new job...
Pissing off Hank Hill.
HANK: I'm gonna tear your beard off!
People really respond to your interacting with Hank.
By "interacting" you mean messing with him, right?
Sometimes I think it's too easy, but it's just so much dang fun.
It's not just fun for you, it's fun for us.
It's fun for America.
And most importantly, it's fun for Hank.
Well, damn. If that's the case, I know just the guys to help.
How about we try that new soup place?
Because it sure is soup weather.
(doorbell rings)
ALL: Hey, Hank.
(sighs): No.
Don't worry, Hank.
We're just here selling buttfors.
What's a butt...? No.
(all laugh)
You know, last time we saw you,
you were trying to explain to the Border Patrol
why your trunk was full tacos.
I just want to apologize for any hard feelings
about the show, Hank,
so we brought over one of our gold records...
and buried it somewhere in your lawn.
What the hell?
(Sputters)
Wait for us! We're in!
Dang it, Dusty, I'm gonna take that gold record
and shove your face through the little hole!
(whistle blows)
Holy...
No!
My lawn!
(giggling) Shh!
Queen bee barbecue.
Now sewing shrimps.
What them?!
(rock music playing)
Although Hank's urethra isn't technically blocked,
it's just narrow.
Peggy,
get them out of here!
My house is off-limits!
Wait a minute. Where's Bobby?
He's fine. He's in the truth booth.
Oh, God!
Let me through. I need to get in there.
Hey, I'm next!
Dale, move aside unless you want me to kick your ass.
Yes, do it!
That's how I'll get on TV!
No, kick mine! I want to be on camera, please!
I believe I'm the one who deserves the kicking.
I slept with his best friend's wife for 13 years.
Yeah, Bill's wife was a tramp. Big deal.
Now shut up and let Hank kick the ass he started on!
So Jerry Lee, Jimmy Swaggart and me are ready for action
when who should appear but...
BOBBY: Wheeee!!
Do it again! Do it again!
Stop spinning my son!
All right, that does it. I want everybody out.
You with the camera, everyone.
But not me, right?
Get!
So you kicked 'em all out?
I guess they deserved it.
Dang right, they deserved it.
I can't believe you gave this car to Dusty, Dad.
After all the times I've detailed it
and all the tune-ups I've given it.
I guess I didn't realize how much Marlena meant to you.
Well, how could you not know that?
Well, sometimes I don't think, boy.
Aw, Dad.
Oh, got-dang it, you're in on this, too?
(laughs): Just having some fun, Hank!
Something you don't know nothing about.
While you were wasting time having a family
and buying a house and having a career,
Dusty was busy making something out of his life.
Why didn't you join a band, boy?
(laughing)
This footage is great,
but we need to push the envelope with him.
Think, think, think.
He really hates code violations.
We could make fun of propane.
Propane? Whoa, you can only push a man so far.
We've been riding Hank pretty hard.
Now let's lay off him and do something else fun.
I've said it once, I'll say it again.
Me and the guys could always get naked.
Uh, sure, sure.
All good ideas.
I'll confab with the team here
to see if we can find something golden.
We can't lay off Hank.
He's our bread and butter.
You find anything?
Oh, yeah.
(sighs) I can't believe
you gave this car to Dusty, Dad.
After all the times I've detailed it, and all
the tune-ups I've given it...
We hurt the Caddy, we hurt Hank. Go!
Do a cross-promotion thing with Burger King
and crash it into a replica of the Eiffel Tower
made out of Whoppers.
We could set it on fire.
On Mommy vs Nanny
any time we burned things, we got an instant ten share.
The 18-34 crowd really loves a good explosion.
I got a better idea.
We'll do all three.
So Dusty took the car back to Houston already, huh?
No. The cars at the shop.
They're reinforcing the gas tank and removing the radiator.
Well, that is idiotic.
These old V-8s run hot.
It'll seize up in a few hundred miles.
Doesn't need to last that long.
Dusty's driving it in a demolition derby.
Demolition derby?! No!
We gotta stop this.
I will not let Dusty demolish
the car I grew up in.
And the trunk I grew up in!
My God, I've always dreamed of driving somewhere
to stop something bad from happening
and now I'm doing it!
DUSTY (over loudspeaker): Hello, Arlen!
Are you ready to derby?!
(crowd cheering)
Hey!
Hey, we're gonna go scout the talent in the crowd.
This is it, people!
Here comes our gorgeous, angry monkey.
Camera one, I want you close on his neck vein.
Camera two, you're on his shaking fists and spittle.
If something inside his brain pops, I want to see it!
Oh, good, Dusty's not out there yet.
Maybe I can still save the car.
(car horn playing "La Cucaracha")
Good Lord.
Ugh.
It looks like a giant toilet seat cover.
So soft...
yet so powerful.
Hey, Hank!
It's like he doesn't even care
that those tires are whitewalls.
(engine not starting)
(grunts)
Dusty! Quick, you gotta get out of there! Come on!
He's trapped. Someone's gotta get him out of there before the car explodes.
The car that you love the most in the world is being destroyed.
How does that make you feel? And could you please repeat the question in your answer?
Put those got-dang cameras down and help him! Come on!
(coughing): Help! I'm all tangled up!
Get me outta here.
"Get me outta here?"
Somebody give Dusty a better line!
"Don't let this car be my coffin"?
Uh, "Gimme all your helpin'!"
"I've got legs, but
I don't know if I can use them!"
(coughing)
Hang in there, Dusty.
I'll get you outta there.
(Sighs)
Everything's gonna be okay.
You all right, Dusty?
Nuh... Uh...
Oh, I guess not.
Oh, my God.
You know what, Dusty?
I'm glad you're okay,
but I don't ever want to see you again.
I'm tired of your stupid pranks, and I'm tired
of your got-dang rock 'n' roll,
anything-goes lifestyle.
Why are you mad? I'm the one with the injured beard.
You call that angry?
This is supposed to be our promo moment.
Look at that car!
Think about all the times you tuned it up, Hank,
and tenderly washed it.
You loved that car!
Doesn't it make you want to punch Dusty
with your upstage hand?!
Hank, wait!
Did that Caddy really mean that much to you?!
As much as your beard means to you.
Oh I'm sorry, Hank.
I assumed when Cotton gave the Caddy to me so quickly,
and for free, you didn't want it.
Yeah, well, Cotton...
he's a jackass.
And you knew about this?
After I told you to lay off Hank,
you set up this whole thing?
That does it, Portis... Your show is canceled.
You don't tell me when the show is canceled...
The network does.
I've got contracts with you.
Paper can be ripped... like your head.
We're at a demolition derby in Texas.
You want me to tell these folks you're from Hollywood?
You've seen what we've done to Hank, and we like him.
You best watch your back, son.
Fine, do what you want.
VH-1 Classics is swarming with bands
who'll eat anything I ask them to.
I'm sorry about the car.
Well, I'm sorry about the beard.
Ah, she'll grow back.
Your beard's a girl?
Well, thanks for fixing her up for me.
It's the least I could do, 'cuz.
So, Dusty, I was wondering...
when you guys are ready to go on tour,
do you think maybe I could go with you?
We'd love to have you, Bobby,
but if you want to succeed in show business,
you gotta stay in school.
Rock 'n' roll takes a lot of hard work and smarts.
You gotta know a lot of stuff, like, umm, umm... arithmetic.
And earth science.
And the presidents.
Man, I thought being a rock star would be more fun than that.
Nun-uh.
(metallic groaning)
HANK: It's time to rock.
Ripped By mstoll
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