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-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.org ] ==-
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Ripped By mstoll
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HANK (sighs):
It's not an "endless salad bar"
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00:00:34,067 --> 00:00:36,058
if they bring you
the entree right away.
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I mean, you have the right
to more salad,
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but once you've got your meat,
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you're not going back,
and they know it.
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Message!
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Maybe it's that guy
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trying to call his
parole officer again.
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00:00:48,348 --> 00:00:51,545
Or it could be that SUV's owner
thanking me for the note
12
00:00:51,751 --> 00:00:53,685
suggesting they learn
to park better.
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And the mystery caller is...
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Just play the dang message.
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COTTON:
Of course you're not there!
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00:01:02,629 --> 00:01:03,823
(disgusted groan):
Oh, Cotton.
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00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:05,259
But you better be tomorrow,
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00:01:05,432 --> 00:01:07,764
'cause I'm finally getting rid
of my vehicle.
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I'll arrive at 1200 hours to
turn over the keys. That is all.
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I'll be darned.
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Dad's finally letting
go of his Cadillac.
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That cars taken me
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to some of the greatest
events of my childhood.
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00:01:19,279 --> 00:01:21,873
Football games, baseball games,
25
00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:24,074
basketball games.
26
00:01:24,217 --> 00:01:26,276
It's been like
a member of the family.
27
00:01:26,419 --> 00:01:28,148
Except that Cotton loved it.
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Huh.
29
00:01:29,989 --> 00:01:31,923
Yeah.
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00:01:32,058 --> 00:01:36,222
Yep, my dad should be here
with the car any minute now.
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00:01:36,396 --> 00:01:39,229
I still remember the day
he brought that car home.
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It was on my birthday.
33
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After that it became known
as the cars birthday.
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Now we'll finally be able
to celebrate together.
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00:01:48,675 --> 00:01:50,074
Remember how we'd ride back
from Boy Scouts
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00:01:50,210 --> 00:01:51,643
and I'd talk too much,
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and Cotton would throw me
in the trunk?
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It was like a crazy
roller coaster back there,
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00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:58,213
bouncing around
with all those guns.
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00:01:58,351 --> 00:02:01,013
Yeah, man, talkin' about
them old good times, man.
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00:02:01,187 --> 00:02:03,417
(car horn plays "La Cucaracha")
Here it comes!
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00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:08,560
(car horn plays "La Cucaracha")
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It's in perfect tune.
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00:02:12,332 --> 00:02:13,924
Good noon, Colonel!
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Yeah, Dad, thanks for coming.
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I appreciate the chance to buy
a piece of our family history.
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Buy it? The only thing you get
is the chance to wash it.
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Do a good job for once.
49
00:02:24,711 --> 00:02:26,235
I don't want your cousin Dusty
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00:02:26,412 --> 00:02:28,414
finding any dog dirt
on the pedals.
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00:02:28,414 --> 00:02:31,008
Dusty? Well, what's
he got to do with it?
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00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:34,052
He called and made me an offer,
right out of the blue.
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You're selling it to him?
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Nah. I'm giving it to him.
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I couldn't take money
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from my brothers boy.
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Dusty's always been
like a son to me.
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I'm your son!
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00:02:44,297 --> 00:02:45,889
I suppose.
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00:02:46,032 --> 00:02:47,431
But Dusty's already got
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more cars than he knows
what to do with.
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00:02:49,736 --> 00:02:52,466
He sure as heck doesn't
deserve this one.
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00:02:52,605 --> 00:02:56,063
You can keep the bucket,
but give these to Dusty.
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00:03:02,715 --> 00:03:05,809
And that's how I get
to the grocery store.
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00:03:05,885 --> 00:03:08,285
No. I swear to you
Hank isn't here.
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00:03:08,454 --> 00:03:09,978
Now, as I was saying...
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00:03:10,123 --> 00:03:11,681
Oh, Hank just walked in.
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00:03:11,858 --> 00:03:12,882
It's Dusty.
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00:03:14,494 --> 00:03:15,825
My mistake.
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It was just a bird
caught in the curtains.
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00:03:17,997 --> 00:03:19,123
Okay, bye-
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What did he want?
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Dusty is coming in from Houston
tomorrow to pick up the car.
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(groans):
Oh, great.
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00:03:25,805 --> 00:03:28,330
While he's here, he can take
some other things I care about.
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00:03:28,541 --> 00:03:30,270
It was nice being married
to you, Peggy.
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Come on, Hank.
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00:03:31,711 --> 00:03:33,372
So you and Dusty
don't get along.
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That makes this
a great opportunity
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to patch things up.
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Patch things up?
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Don't you remember our wedding?
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How he and his buddies
got up on stage with the band?
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"Just one song, Hank."
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Which is all he played...
One song.
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00:03:47,093 --> 00:03:52,087
Yeah, "Radar Love," with
a got-dang 20-minute bass solo.
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00:03:52,265 --> 00:03:56,065
(sighs): I'd better go tell
Bobby the truth about Dusty.
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It was crazy for me to think
he'd never find out.
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HANK (sighs):
Uh, son,
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00:04:03,109 --> 00:04:05,100
every family has its secrets.
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00:04:05,278 --> 00:04:06,609
Now...
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00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:08,577
I'm gonna play this tape,
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and you're gonna see
some things that, uh...
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(groans):
This is harder than I thought.
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Just watch, if you can.
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(rock music playing)
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(Hank sighs)
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You see, Bobby,
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00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:25,260
I have a cousin named Dusty.
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00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:27,126
He's the one with the beard.
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00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:29,064
The-the one on the left.
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00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:31,602
We're related to ZZ Top?!
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Not so loud, son.
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See, rock stars have different
morals and values and...
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Stop that!
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(turns off music) Now, Dusty's
coming by the house tomorrow.
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Do not ask him what time it is.
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He always says,
"It's time to rock."
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I bet the first thing Dusty does
with this car
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is put flames on the front of it
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00:04:55,061 --> 00:04:56,551
like he did
with his go-cart.
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00:04:56,629 --> 00:04:58,529
Yeah, like that made it
go faster.
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Wait, it didn't?
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Dusty's always been about flash.
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Have you ever looked at
our high school yearbook?
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00:05:05,004 --> 00:05:06,869
Many, many times.
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He and his idiot friends snuck
into every activities picture.
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00:05:11,277 --> 00:05:13,006
Remember how they
tricked you into thinking
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00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,875
that Tom Landry died.
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00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:17,812
Yeah, and then when he finally
did die, I didn't believe it,
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00:05:17,950 --> 00:05:19,577
and I went to work anyway.
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I'm still mortified.
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They were always pulling
those practical jokes on me.
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00:05:31,230 --> 00:05:33,755
(all laughing)
125
00:05:33,900 --> 00:05:36,892
So-So I'm getting
a propane award, huh?
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00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:38,493
Wow, this is such an honor.
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00:05:38,671 --> 00:05:40,773
I - Is Commissioner
Hogarth here?
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DUSTY: Hey, everyone,
we've hired a new dancer!
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00:05:43,209 --> 00:05:45,177
What?!
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00:05:48,915 --> 00:05:50,177
(all laughing)
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00:05:54,220 --> 00:05:57,189
(all laughing)
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00:05:57,323 --> 00:05:59,518
(sighs):
Idiots.
133
00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:00,920
KAHN:
Say...
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00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:02,356
nice Caddy.
135
00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:04,496
Cotton gave it
to Hank's cousin Dusty.
136
00:06:04,630 --> 00:06:06,495
Bit of a sore point.
137
00:06:06,632 --> 00:06:08,065
Your cousin, eh?
138
00:06:08,167 --> 00:06:10,135
Isn't that hillbilly term
for wife?
139
00:06:10,236 --> 00:06:11,498
Th-There's a taxi coming!
140
00:06:11,604 --> 00:06:13,094
I bet it's Dusty.
141
00:06:13,239 --> 00:06:15,901
Famous people like to be
kissed on the cheek, right?
142
00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:17,202
I'm thinking about doing that.
143
00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:20,474
There they are!
144
00:06:20,613 --> 00:06:21,602
Hey, Hank.
145
00:06:21,781 --> 00:06:24,215
Dale. Bill.
Boomhauer.
146
00:06:24,417 --> 00:06:26,647
Dusty Hill?!
147
00:06:26,719 --> 00:06:28,414
Hank Hill?!
148
00:06:28,554 --> 00:06:31,421
Why didn't you say
you were related to the man
149
00:06:31,557 --> 00:06:34,549
whose band helped launch
the story-driven music video?
150
00:06:34,694 --> 00:06:36,924
Well, you just answered
your own question.
151
00:06:37,096 --> 00:06:38,324
I got to get Minh!
152
00:06:38,498 --> 00:06:40,693
"Tush" is her favorite song!
153
00:06:40,867 --> 00:06:42,101
Say!
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00:06:42,101 --> 00:06:43,864
The old gal looks pretty snazzy.
155
00:06:46,706 --> 00:06:49,573
Yeah, well, anyway, uh,
you'll probably want
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00:06:49,709 --> 00:06:52,371
to be getting back to Houston
and your current wife.
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00:06:52,545 --> 00:06:55,070
You know,
158
00:06:55,214 --> 00:06:58,115
while I was out there touring
and making records and whatnot,
159
00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:01,015
I let some things slip by
that really matter to me.
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00:07:01,187 --> 00:07:02,245
Friends,
161
00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:04,049
family.
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00:07:04,223 --> 00:07:06,020
I guess what
I'm trying to say is,
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00:07:06,192 --> 00:07:07,989
it's be nice spending
a couple of days
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00:07:08,127 --> 00:07:09,617
hanging out with you,
just catching up.
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00:07:09,762 --> 00:07:12,560
Well, uh, I don't know, uh...
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00:07:12,698 --> 00:07:13,665
(Bobby squeals)
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00:07:13,766 --> 00:07:15,199
Is this him?!
Are you him?
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00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:16,801
Oh, my God!
169
00:07:16,903 --> 00:07:19,997
Can I speak at him, please?
170
00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:21,869
Looks like your dad's
raising you right.
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00:07:21,974 --> 00:07:23,942
Uh, I guess so.
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00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:30,440
Well, you know, Dusty,
it's a long trip from Houston.
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00:07:30,583 --> 00:07:33,347
Why don't you come in
and have some ice tea and...?
174
00:07:33,519 --> 00:07:34,486
MAN:
Cut!
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00:07:34,554 --> 00:07:37,022
We need to reset from
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"I let some things slip
that mattered to me."
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00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:40,384
We're getting too much glare
178
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:41,652
from the skinny guy's
sunglasses.
179
00:07:41,828 --> 00:07:43,955
What the heck's going on?
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00:07:44,096 --> 00:07:46,030
I'm the star
of my own reality show.
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00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:47,826
You and I won't
just be hanging out,
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00:07:47,967 --> 00:07:49,832
we'll be doing it on TV.
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00:07:49,936 --> 00:07:51,801
Finally!
184
00:07:58,744 --> 00:07:59,802
They are shooting
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00:07:59,946 --> 00:08:01,470
a freakin' reality show!
186
00:08:01,614 --> 00:08:03,241
Did you get that?
187
00:08:03,382 --> 00:08:05,509
That was me discovering
you're shooting a reality show.
188
00:08:05,685 --> 00:08:07,710
This could be my big break!
189
00:08:07,887 --> 00:08:08,979
Bobby, get inside.
190
00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:11,055
Good lord, Dusty,
did you run out
191
00:08:11,190 --> 00:08:12,885
of ways to embarrass yourself?
192
00:08:13,025 --> 00:08:14,822
No, this is going
to be great, Hank.
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00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:16,086
America wants reality,
194
00:08:16,262 --> 00:08:18,230
and I'm the guy
to give it to 'em.
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00:08:18,397 --> 00:08:20,228
Buh!
You sure are, Dust.
196
00:08:20,399 --> 00:08:23,527
Paul Portis,
ImPORTant Productions.
197
00:08:24,704 --> 00:08:25,830
He's the best.
198
00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:27,097
Check out the title
for our show:
199
00:08:27,273 --> 00:08:28,831
Behind The Beard.
200
00:08:29,008 --> 00:08:31,476
You're welcome.
201
00:08:31,644 --> 00:08:32,975
You think everything's fun
and games, Dusty.
202
00:08:33,112 --> 00:08:34,340
Well, it's not.
203
00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:36,243
Yeah, well, you might
change your mind
204
00:08:36,382 --> 00:08:37,815
after you see your dog.
205
00:08:39,485 --> 00:08:41,419
Okay, that tears it!
206
00:08:41,554 --> 00:08:44,022
I am sick of you
messing with me.
207
00:08:46,726 --> 00:08:50,662
(sighs): Boy, I actually thought
Dusty might have changed,
208
00:08:50,796 --> 00:08:53,060
but he's just the same
flashy pain in my neck
209
00:08:53,232 --> 00:08:55,166
he used to be.
What a joke.
210
00:08:55,268 --> 00:08:57,031
Joke?
211
00:08:57,203 --> 00:08:59,967
Did you see the way Bobby lit up
when he saw those cameras?
212
00:09:00,072 --> 00:09:01,801
I walked into his room
this morning
213
00:09:01,908 --> 00:09:06,242
and he was... he was singing
into a hairbrush.
214
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:09,348
Uh-huh, uh-huh!
Go on!
215
00:09:09,482 --> 00:09:10,574
You know, sometimes
216
00:09:10,716 --> 00:09:11,740
when things went wrong
with Cotton,
217
00:09:11,884 --> 00:09:13,283
I just thought,
218
00:09:13,452 --> 00:09:15,283
"Well, at least I'm
getting that car one day."
219
00:09:15,454 --> 00:09:17,854
And now he just
swoops in and takes it.
220
00:09:17,990 --> 00:09:21,221
Your joke made me sad.
221
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:30,559
PORTIS:
This is not interesting at all.
222
00:09:30,703 --> 00:09:32,864
We need something else!
223
00:09:32,972 --> 00:09:35,736
(laughing): You should
check this out!
224
00:09:35,841 --> 00:09:38,742
This guy doesn't get angry.
He becomes anger.
225
00:09:38,844 --> 00:09:40,744
It really pops.
226
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:44,179
I'm gonna punch you silly.
227
00:09:44,317 --> 00:09:46,182
Gonna knock your teeth in,
I tell you...
228
00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:47,786
You got-dang...
229
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:50,081
That tears it!
230
00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:51,587
Watch the vein in his head.
231
00:09:51,724 --> 00:09:52,782
You could add jungle drums
each time it throbs.
232
00:09:52,925 --> 00:09:54,859
(drums playing)
233
00:09:54,994 --> 00:09:56,655
(drum volume decreases)
234
00:09:56,796 --> 00:09:59,287
There's your act break,
people, and your bus-side,
235
00:09:59,465 --> 00:10:00,830
your grocery separator
236
00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:02,764
and your cover of
TV frickin' Guide.
237
00:10:02,902 --> 00:10:04,267
This is our new job...
238
00:10:04,370 --> 00:10:06,565
Pissing off Hank Hill.
239
00:10:06,706 --> 00:10:09,004
HANK:
I'm gonna tear your beard off!
240
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:15,471
People really respond to
your interacting with Hank.
241
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:18,584
By "interacting" you mean
messing with him, right?
242
00:10:18,751 --> 00:10:22,585
Sometimes I think it's too easy,
but it's just so much dang fun.
243
00:10:22,722 --> 00:10:24,781
It's not just fun for you,
it's fun for us.
244
00:10:24,924 --> 00:10:26,221
It's fun for America.
245
00:10:26,392 --> 00:10:28,656
And most importantly,
it's fun for Hank.
246
00:10:28,828 --> 00:10:32,161
Well, damn. If that's the case,
I know just the guys to help.
247
00:10:34,667 --> 00:10:36,658
How about we try
that new soup place?
248
00:10:36,769 --> 00:10:38,669
Because it sure is soup weather.
249
00:10:38,771 --> 00:10:39,738
(doorbell rings)
250
00:10:41,874 --> 00:10:43,341
ALL:
Hey, Hank.
251
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,103
(sighs):
No.
252
00:10:45,277 --> 00:10:46,403
Don't worry, Hank.
253
00:10:46,545 --> 00:10:47,807
We're just here
selling buttfors.
254
00:10:47,913 --> 00:10:49,904
What's a butt...? No.
255
00:10:50,116 --> 00:10:52,107
(all laugh)
256
00:10:52,251 --> 00:10:53,775
You know, last time we saw you,
257
00:10:53,953 --> 00:10:55,580
you were trying to explain
to the Border Patrol
258
00:10:55,755 --> 00:10:58,121
why your trunk was full tacos.
259
00:10:58,257 --> 00:11:00,122
I just want to apologize
for any hard feelings
260
00:11:00,259 --> 00:11:01,556
about the show, Hank,
261
00:11:01,694 --> 00:11:03,787
so we brought over
one of our gold records...
262
00:11:03,929 --> 00:11:06,056
and buried it somewhere
in your lawn.
263
00:11:06,232 --> 00:11:07,221
What the hell?
264
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:11,765
(Sputters)
265
00:11:11,871 --> 00:11:13,634
Wait for us!
We're in!
266
00:11:13,739 --> 00:11:16,401
Dang it, Dusty, I'm gonna take
that gold record
267
00:11:16,542 --> 00:11:18,442
and shove your face
through the little hole!
268
00:11:18,544 --> 00:11:20,808
(whistle blows)
269
00:11:20,946 --> 00:11:21,913
Holy...
270
00:11:23,616 --> 00:11:24,583
No!
271
00:11:27,319 --> 00:11:28,980
My lawn!
272
00:11:42,268 --> 00:11:43,929
(giggling)
Shh!
273
00:11:45,905 --> 00:11:48,032
(giggling)
Shh!
274
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:49,868
Queen bee barbecue.
275
00:11:51,277 --> 00:11:52,676
Now sewing shrimps.
276
00:11:52,845 --> 00:11:54,176
What them?!
277
00:11:54,313 --> 00:11:56,213
(rock music playing)
278
00:11:58,517 --> 00:12:00,246
Although Hank's urethra
isn't technically blocked,
279
00:12:00,386 --> 00:12:01,853
it's just narrow.
280
00:12:02,021 --> 00:12:02,988
Peggy,
281
00:12:03,089 --> 00:12:04,147
get them out of here!
282
00:12:04,323 --> 00:12:05,881
My house is off-limits!
283
00:12:06,092 --> 00:12:07,650
Wait a minute.
Where's Bobby?
284
00:12:07,793 --> 00:12:09,317
He's fine.
He's in the truth booth.
285
00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:11,794
Oh, God!
286
00:12:11,964 --> 00:12:13,693
Let me through.
I need to get in there.
287
00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:15,425
Hey, I'm next!
288
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,798
Dale, move aside unless
you want me to kick your ass.
289
00:12:17,937 --> 00:12:19,802
Yes, do it!
290
00:12:19,939 --> 00:12:21,406
That's how I'll get on TV!
291
00:12:21,507 --> 00:12:24,476
No, kick mine! I want to
be on camera, please!
292
00:12:24,610 --> 00:12:26,737
I believe I'm the one
who deserves the kicking.
293
00:12:26,879 --> 00:12:29,439
I slept with his best friend's
wife for 13 years.
294
00:12:29,615 --> 00:12:31,981
Yeah, Bill's wife
was a tramp. Big deal.
295
00:12:32,118 --> 00:12:36,919
Now shut up and let Hank
kick the ass he started on!
296
00:12:37,089 --> 00:12:40,650
So Jerry Lee, Jimmy Swaggart
and me are ready for action
297
00:12:40,793 --> 00:12:41,657
when who should appear but...
298
00:12:41,827 --> 00:12:42,691
BOBBY:
Wheeee!!
299
00:12:42,828 --> 00:12:45,661
Do it again!
Do it again!
300
00:12:45,798 --> 00:12:48,767
Stop spinning my son!
301
00:12:48,901 --> 00:12:51,335
All right, that does it.
I want everybody out.
302
00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:52,961
You with the camera, everyone.
303
00:12:53,139 --> 00:12:54,106
But not me, right?
304
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:55,639
Get!
305
00:12:59,011 --> 00:13:00,137
So you kicked 'em all out?
306
00:13:00,379 --> 00:13:01,505
I guess they deserved it.
307
00:13:01,647 --> 00:13:03,740
Dang right, they deserved it.
308
00:13:03,883 --> 00:13:07,580
I can't believe you gave
this car to Dusty, Dad.
309
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,052
After all the times
I've detailed it
310
00:13:10,222 --> 00:13:12,019
and all the tune-ups
I've given it.
311
00:13:12,158 --> 00:13:16,117
I guess I didn't realize
how much Marlena meant to you.
312
00:13:16,295 --> 00:13:18,195
Well, how could you
not know that?
313
00:13:18,330 --> 00:13:21,231
Well, sometimes
I don't think, boy.
314
00:13:26,272 --> 00:13:27,239
Aw, Dad.
315
00:13:31,243 --> 00:13:33,939
Oh, got-dang it,
you're in on this, too?
316
00:13:34,113 --> 00:13:36,980
(laughs): Just having
some fun, Hank!
317
00:13:37,149 --> 00:13:38,878
Something you don't know
nothing about.
318
00:13:39,018 --> 00:13:41,919
While you were wasting time
having a family
319
00:13:42,054 --> 00:13:45,387
and buying a house
and having a career,
320
00:13:45,524 --> 00:13:48,459
Dusty was busy making
something out of his life.
321
00:13:48,627 --> 00:13:50,993
Why didn't you join a band, boy?
322
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:54,928
(laughing)
323
00:13:55,067 --> 00:13:56,398
This footage is great,
324
00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:58,697
but we need to push
the envelope with him.
325
00:13:58,838 --> 00:13:59,998
Think, think, think.
326
00:14:00,105 --> 00:14:02,335
He really hates code violations.
327
00:14:02,474 --> 00:14:03,998
We could make fun of propane.
328
00:14:04,143 --> 00:14:07,704
Propane? Whoa, you can
only push a man so far.
329
00:14:07,913 --> 00:14:09,346
We've been riding Hank
pretty hard.
330
00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:11,949
Now let's lay off him
and do something else fun.
331
00:14:12,117 --> 00:14:13,880
I've said it once,
I'll say it again.
332
00:14:14,019 --> 00:14:15,919
Me and the guys
could always get naked.
333
00:14:16,055 --> 00:14:17,181
Uh, sure, sure.
334
00:14:17,356 --> 00:14:18,482
All good ideas.
335
00:14:18,624 --> 00:14:19,886
I'll confab with the team here
336
00:14:20,025 --> 00:14:21,492
to see if we can find
something golden.
337
00:14:26,799 --> 00:14:28,960
We can't lay off Hank.
338
00:14:29,101 --> 00:14:29,931
He's our bread and butter.
339
00:14:30,035 --> 00:14:31,002
You find anything?
340
00:14:31,136 --> 00:14:33,104
Oh, yeah.
341
00:14:33,205 --> 00:14:34,467
(sighs)
I can't believe
342
00:14:34,573 --> 00:14:36,507
you gave this car to Dusty, Dad.
343
00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:39,134
After all the times
I've detailed it, and all
344
00:14:39,278 --> 00:14:40,802
the tune-ups
I've given it...
345
00:14:44,917 --> 00:14:46,885
We hurt the Caddy,
we hurt Hank. Go!
346
00:14:47,019 --> 00:14:49,112
Do a cross-promotion thing
with Burger King
347
00:14:49,255 --> 00:14:51,120
and crash it into a replica
of the Eiffel Tower
348
00:14:51,257 --> 00:14:52,315
made out of Whoppers.
349
00:14:52,458 --> 00:14:53,686
We could set it on fire.
350
00:14:53,859 --> 00:14:55,451
On Mommy vs Nanny
351
00:14:55,527 --> 00:14:58,018
any time we burned things,
we got an instant ten share.
352
00:14:58,197 --> 00:15:00,665
The 18-34 crowd really
loves a good explosion.
353
00:15:02,001 --> 00:15:03,764
I got a better idea.
354
00:15:03,869 --> 00:15:05,268
We'll do all three.
355
00:15:08,607 --> 00:15:11,098
So Dusty took the car back
to Houston already, huh?
356
00:15:11,277 --> 00:15:13,108
No. The cars
at the shop.
357
00:15:13,279 --> 00:15:15,614
They're reinforcing the gas tank
and removing the radiator.
358
00:15:15,614 --> 00:15:17,138
Well, that is idiotic.
359
00:15:17,316 --> 00:15:19,079
These old V-8s run hot.
360
00:15:19,218 --> 00:15:20,810
It'll seize up
in a few hundred miles.
361
00:15:20,953 --> 00:15:22,147
Doesn't need to last that long.
362
00:15:22,321 --> 00:15:24,380
Dusty's driving it
in a demolition derby.
363
00:15:26,125 --> 00:15:29,185
Demolition derby?! No!
364
00:15:36,302 --> 00:15:38,133
We gotta stop this.
365
00:15:38,237 --> 00:15:40,068
I will not let Dusty demolish
366
00:15:40,205 --> 00:15:41,536
the car I grew up in.
367
00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:43,608
And the trunk I grew up in!
368
00:15:43,742 --> 00:15:46,404
My God, I've always dreamed
of driving somewhere
369
00:15:46,545 --> 00:15:48,012
to stop something bad
from happening
370
00:15:48,147 --> 00:15:49,478
and now I'm doing it!
371
00:15:58,223 --> 00:15:59,520
DUSTY (over loudspeaker):
Hello, Arlen!
372
00:15:59,692 --> 00:16:01,557
Are you ready to derby?!
373
00:16:01,727 --> 00:16:03,695
(crowd cheering)
374
00:16:05,831 --> 00:16:07,355
Hey!
375
00:16:10,869 --> 00:16:13,030
Hey, we're gonna go scout
the talent in the crowd.
376
00:16:20,879 --> 00:16:22,210
This is it, people!
377
00:16:22,348 --> 00:16:24,213
Here comes our gorgeous,
angry monkey.
378
00:16:24,350 --> 00:16:26,944
Camera one, I want you
close on his neck vein.
379
00:16:27,119 --> 00:16:29,451
Camera two, you're on his
shaking fists and spittle.
380
00:16:29,555 --> 00:16:32,183
If something inside his
brain pops, I want to see it!
381
00:16:34,860 --> 00:16:36,953
Oh, good, Dusty's
not out there yet.
382
00:16:37,129 --> 00:16:38,494
Maybe I can still save the car.
383
00:16:38,630 --> 00:16:40,689
(car horn playing
"La Cucaracha")
384
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:42,562
Good Lord.
385
00:16:42,701 --> 00:16:44,066
Ugh.
386
00:16:44,169 --> 00:16:47,070
It looks like a giant
toilet seat cover.
387
00:16:47,239 --> 00:16:48,729
So soft...
388
00:16:48,807 --> 00:16:50,502
yet so powerful.
389
00:16:50,642 --> 00:16:52,109
Hey, Hank!
390
00:16:57,616 --> 00:16:59,413
It's like he doesn't even care
391
00:16:59,585 --> 00:17:01,416
that those tires are whitewalls.
392
00:17:21,073 --> 00:17:22,301
(engine not starting)
393
00:17:38,457 --> 00:17:40,015
(grunts)
394
00:17:40,192 --> 00:17:42,592
Dusty! Quick, you gotta
get out of there! Come on!
395
00:17:45,431 --> 00:17:49,128
He's trapped. Someone's gotta get him
out of there before the car explodes.
396
00:17:49,301 --> 00:17:52,134
The car that you love the most
in the world is being destroyed.
397
00:17:52,271 --> 00:17:55,399
How does that make you feel? And could you
please repeat the question in your answer?
398
00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:58,907
Put those got-dang cameras
down and help him! Come on!
399
00:18:06,952 --> 00:18:09,420
(coughing):
Help! I'm all tangled up!
400
00:18:12,157 --> 00:18:13,419
Get me outta here.
401
00:18:13,592 --> 00:18:14,616
"Get me outta here?"
402
00:18:14,793 --> 00:18:16,226
Somebody give Dusty
a better line!
403
00:18:16,395 --> 00:18:17,657
"Don't let this car
be my coffin"?
404
00:18:17,729 --> 00:18:18,525
Uh, "Gimme all
your helpin'!"
405
00:18:18,664 --> 00:18:19,722
"I've got legs, but
406
00:18:19,898 --> 00:18:21,160
I don't know if
I can use them!"
407
00:18:21,300 --> 00:18:22,494
(coughing)
408
00:18:22,634 --> 00:18:23,498
Hang in there, Dusty.
409
00:18:23,635 --> 00:18:25,227
I'll get you outta there.
410
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,074
(Sighs)
411
00:18:29,174 --> 00:18:30,869
Everything's gonna be okay.
412
00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:43,277
You all right, Dusty?
413
00:18:43,422 --> 00:18:45,549
Nuh... Uh...
414
00:18:45,724 --> 00:18:47,783
Oh, I guess not.
415
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:51,828
Oh, my God.
416
00:18:51,997 --> 00:18:53,294
You know what, Dusty?
417
00:18:53,432 --> 00:18:54,831
I'm glad you're okay,
418
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,059
but I don't ever want
to see you again.
419
00:18:57,202 --> 00:18:59,363
I'm tired of your stupid
pranks, and I'm tired
420
00:18:59,471 --> 00:19:01,029
of your got-dang
rock 'n' roll,
421
00:19:01,206 --> 00:19:03,674
anything-goes lifestyle.
422
00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:05,969
Why are you mad? I'm the one
with the injured beard.
423
00:19:06,111 --> 00:19:07,578
You call that angry?
424
00:19:07,713 --> 00:19:09,237
This is supposed to be
our promo moment.
425
00:19:09,381 --> 00:19:10,473
Look at that car!
426
00:19:12,951 --> 00:19:15,112
Think about all the times
you tuned it up, Hank,
427
00:19:15,287 --> 00:19:16,549
and tenderly washed it.
428
00:19:16,722 --> 00:19:18,019
You loved that car!
429
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:19,920
Doesn't it make you want
to punch Dusty
430
00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:21,116
with your upstage hand?!
431
00:19:21,293 --> 00:19:22,260
Hank, wait!
432
00:19:24,062 --> 00:19:26,189
Did that Caddy really
mean that much to you?!
433
00:19:26,365 --> 00:19:28,595
As much as your beard
means to you.
434
00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:30,929
Oh I'm sorry, Hank.
435
00:19:31,036 --> 00:19:33,630
I assumed when Cotton gave
the Caddy to me so quickly,
436
00:19:33,805 --> 00:19:35,397
and for free,
you didn't want it.
437
00:19:35,574 --> 00:19:37,735
Yeah, well, Cotton...
438
00:19:37,876 --> 00:19:39,241
he's a jackass.
439
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:42,577
And you knew about this?
440
00:19:42,781 --> 00:19:44,544
After I told you
to lay off Hank,
441
00:19:44,683 --> 00:19:46,514
you set up this whole thing?
442
00:19:46,685 --> 00:19:49,153
That does it, Portis...
Your show is canceled.
443
00:19:49,221 --> 00:19:51,052
You don't tell me
when the show is canceled...
444
00:19:51,223 --> 00:19:52,417
The network does.
445
00:19:52,558 --> 00:19:54,150
I've got contracts with you.
446
00:19:54,293 --> 00:19:56,784
Paper can be ripped...
like your head.
447
00:19:56,962 --> 00:19:59,055
We're at a demolition
derby in Texas.
448
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:01,689
You want me to tell these
folks you're from Hollywood?
449
00:20:01,833 --> 00:20:04,427
You've seen what we've done
to Hank, and we like him.
450
00:20:04,536 --> 00:20:06,595
You best watch your back, son.
451
00:20:06,738 --> 00:20:08,330
Fine, do what you want.
452
00:20:08,507 --> 00:20:10,668
VH-1 Classics is
swarming with bands
453
00:20:10,809 --> 00:20:12,367
who'll eat anything
I ask them to.
454
00:20:16,815 --> 00:20:18,749
I'm sorry about the car.
455
00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:20,578
Well, I'm sorry about the beard.
456
00:20:23,188 --> 00:20:24,450
Ah, she'll grow back.
457
00:20:24,623 --> 00:20:26,113
Your beard's a girl?
458
00:20:29,127 --> 00:20:31,027
Well, thanks for
fixing her up for me.
459
00:20:31,163 --> 00:20:33,097
It's the least I could do, 'cuz.
460
00:20:33,265 --> 00:20:35,460
So, Dusty, I was wondering...
461
00:20:35,601 --> 00:20:38,001
when you guys are ready
to go on tour,
462
00:20:38,103 --> 00:20:40,435
do you think
maybe I could go with you?
463
00:20:42,507 --> 00:20:43,997
We'd love to have you, Bobby,
464
00:20:44,142 --> 00:20:45,837
but if you want to succeed
in show business,
465
00:20:45,978 --> 00:20:47,605
you gotta stay in school.
466
00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:50,374
Rock 'n' roll takes a lot
of hard work and smarts.
467
00:20:50,549 --> 00:20:55,384
You gotta know a lot of stuff,
like, umm, umm... arithmetic.
468
00:20:56,655 --> 00:20:58,122
And earth science.
469
00:20:58,457 --> 00:20:59,014
And the presidents.
470
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:03,752
Man, I thought being a rock star
would be more fun than that.
471
00:21:03,996 --> 00:21:04,587
Nun-uh.
472
00:21:04,830 --> 00:21:06,730
(metallic groaning)
473
00:21:51,677 --> 00:21:54,009
HANK:
It's time to rock.
474
00:21:57,500 --> 00:22:05,500
Ripped By mstoll
474
00:22:06,305 --> 00:23:06,528
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