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Ripped By mstoll
(door closes)
Have you guys seen my graphing calculator?
I'll look like a dork at math camp without it.
You not going to math camp this spring break.
If you want to get into top- notch private high school,
you need to have interesting job on your resume.
You're going to work
on my cousin Trang's squid boat next week.
I don't understand.
Admissions people very educated,
and educated people like to hear
about kind of jobs uneducated people have.
Disgusting squid boat perfect for you.
Since I want to go into journalism,
shouldn't I shadow a journalist like Mrs. Hill or Mrs. Gribble?
That not bad idea, but unfortunately
I call Nancy Gribble a pumpkin-headed Q-'Tip.
And I called Peggy Hill a dim-witted sea cow.
What we're saying is:
If you can get one of them to go along with you,
more power to you.
Otherwise, squid boat.
Squid boat!
I could learn so much
from a professional journalist like Mrs. Hicks-Gribble.
You want to follow Nancy?
Oh, please.
You should follow a serious journalist, such as myself.
Print media is where it's at.
Did you know it's where most people used to get their news?
That's a good point,
but Mrs. Gribble promised me some on-screen time.
Okay, let's just cut to the chase.
I will guarantee a shared byline
on page one above the fold.
Oh, this is gonna be exciting!
Sorry I'm late. I was, uh...
Spare us your minor domestic dramas.
I give you a complete, barely used set
of state-of-the-art titanium golf clubs,
made from technology first imagined by Jules Verne.
(squeals)
These are for me?
Well, how could you afford 'em?
I assure you they were paid for in full
and they are yours to enjoy with no strings attached.
Just consider it my way of saying "I'm sorry."
Sorry for what?
Oh, you'll know.
Dale, what are you up to?
No more questions!
Just, just, just take a club in your hands and hold it!
Hold it! All right, already.
Oh, my Lord.
All right, people, we got a weekly to put out.
Stenholm, you've got the police blotter.
We call that "Drunks and Punks."
Jenkins, you're on the county commission meeting.
Oh.
"Bores and Snores."
Peggy, you've got a profile
of Arlen real estate guru Chris Sizemore.
Sizemore's office faxed the story over this morning.
Just throw in a few sexy adjectives, but not too sexy.
I will Helen Hunt it.
So this is all you do, just write what they tell you?
Of course not.
Sometimes I, I get to come up with the headline.
Not this time, apparently.
I need more than some dictated puff piece
to get me into the school of my choice.
This Sizemore guy might seem great,
but under that smarmy smile,
I bet there's a big, ugly story.
Yes, you're right.
He's like that dish of mints
by the cash register at the restaurant.
Sure, they look tasty, but they are covered in urine.
Eww...
Exactly.
(chuckling)
Lam Peggy Hill from the Arlen Bystander.
You are going to love Chris.
Don't tell me what to write.
I still remember
the first time I met Chris.
When he shook my hand and smiled,
I felt like I was under a tanning lamp.
And then he invited me into his office, and I was.
Mr. Sizemore,
you say your life
is an open book.
How do you explain this pregnancy test
I found in the trash behind your house?
My wife is pregnant:
Congratulations.
Yes. So. On one of your billboards
you appear to be a giant standing over Arlen.
Clearly, you are a man of average size.
Simple mistake... Or false advertising?
(chuckling): Oh, Peggy, there's nothing I enjoy more
than lining my pieces up against a worthy adversary,
but I got where I am today by always being six moves ahead.
Just when you think you have me cornered,
I jump, jump, double jump and I'm in your back row.
"King me."
Are you saying the interview is over?
It was over six moves ago.
We'll see about that.
Oh! Ooh!
Wow.
I've never seen you play this well before.
Except in that dream I had where you won the Masters
in a playoff with a robot.
Well, it's these clubs.
It's like they're an extension of my arms.
Well, they ought to be. They MSRP for $3,000.
How in the world did you get these?
They better not be hot.
No, but they do have an interesting provenance.
Dale got 'em at a police auction!
These clubs were owned by a criminal?!
Not only that, they were used
in a horrible murder in McMaynerbury.
No! No!
Not the orthopedic surgeon
who killed the embezzling partner in his practice.
None other than Texas's newest resident of Death Row,
Dr. James Allan Duckworth.
I can't use clubs convicted of murder.
Only one of the clubs was used in the murder.
The rest were merely murder-adjacent.
(Sighs)
Was it the putter?
You shot a 38 on the front nine.
Do you really want to know?
(Sighs)
No.
Where's your teenie- weenie sidekick?
She is doing research for my next article.
We are gonna blow the lid off Arlen's auto cartel,
just like we did to Chris Sizemore.
EDITOR: Peggy! A word.
I just got off the phone with Chris Sizemore.
He's out for blood.
Well, that just means I did my job.
Why are you acting surprised?
Didn't you read the article when I submitted it?
No, I read the press release they faxed over.
That's the story I thought we printed,
not this hatchet job on one of our biggest advertisers.
Peggy, you said "the scented candles
made his office reek like a bordello."
But then I wrote that there was no visible proof
he used prostitutes himself.
Peggy, you're fired.
You.
Yes, me.
Peggy, it took a lot of courage
for you to take me on, and I respect that.
I only regret I didn't make my article nastier.
I understand. You're angry.
But you're something else that ends with "gry."
Hungry-
You know, Peggy, you remind me of me-
just a little, because you've got so much to learn.
But I like your moxie.
You're hired.
But... you just had me fired.
I closed a door...
and opened a window.
Welcome to Team Sizemore.
Ho yeah!
I tracked down a lead at Lane Pratley Cadillac
who's ready to squawk.
Forget it.
Something fantastic has happened.
I was fired, and now we're Realtors!
I need a byline in a newspaper to prove I'm a good journalist.
I need to blow the lid off something,
not tease my hair and put on a stupid blazer!
Oh, real estate is so much more than that.
It drives the whole U.S. Economy
and the U.S. Economy drives the entire world.
So, in a very real way, this is the most important job on earth.
Wow.
Yeah, wow.
And you know what is even better?
That you are gonna be the youngest person
to have ever sold a house.
Really?
That would sound good on an application.
Sold!
BOBBY: I've always wondered...
Does a half-bath mean you only get to pee in it?
Now that I'm a Realtor, I will find out.
Now, I'm confused.
You hated Sizemore even though there wasn't any reason to.
Now that he got you fired and you have a reason to hate him,
you're working for him.
Chris Sizemore saw potential in me,
and I know he is right.
I know houses.
I live in one.
You know the feeling you get when you sell someone
a tank of propane?
Imagine selling them
a tank of propane
they will live in for 30 years fixed.
I'll tell you what.
Once you get a magnet with your picture on it,
I'll get rid of my no-magnets- on-the-refrigerator rule.
SIZEMORE: Peggy!
Welcome to Team Sizemore.
Thank you.
Uh... I can't hire the little Asian girl.
The Texas Real Estate Commission
is a grouchy Gus about child labor.
Oh, Connie is just my protégé.
She's free.
Perfect.
Well, then, Peggy, I'd like you and your protégé
to meet the rest of Team Sizemore.
This is Dee. She coined the word "cozy"
for uncomfortably small places.
And over there
is Walker Lee.
He can nail the square footage
of a house just by walking it.
Thanks to my size 12s!
And I believe
you've already met Candi and Roger.
That's Candi with an "I."
And Roger with an "I do."
Candi and I are married.
Since I married Candi and Roger,
our sales are up 27%.
So they're not really married?
Well, not to each other.
But I'm afraid they're stuck with one another
till their sales drop.
(all chuckling)
Seriously, though, we here at Team Sizemore
succeed because we work together
like a highly functioning human body.
A human body, yes.
Peggy, would you like to be an organ?
Yes, the brain.
(laughs)
That one's taken.
Oh. What about the skin?
People don't realize that is an organ.
Super. We have six open houses this weekend.
I need you to help get them ready to show.
And you can start by baking
the most scrumptious 36 dozen cookies you've ever baked.
Cookies?
Really delicious cookies increase sales 7%.
I don't think we can bake a cookie good enough
to make someone sink their life savings
into a house they can't afford.
Chris says his ideas may seem crazy...
Like Howard Hughes toward the end...
But they're actually crazy
like Howard Hughes towards the middle.
I like the sound of this Sizemore guy.
Any friend of the cookie is a friend of mine.
Hey!
You the man!
(Sighs)
How could clubs that feel so right, feel so wrong?
Those clubs don't care whether they're striking
a Titleist or Dr. Ted Nelson's skull.
And neither should you.
You know, I could use a guilt-free hole.
Would one of you guys like to take a swing with these clubs?
No, sir. No.
No. Ain't no got dang ol' way, man.
Mm. Scrumptious.
Now, have you touched up
the dog pee spots in the backyard
with green spray paint? Check.
Copied names and addresses from the phone book
to "prime" the guest book?
Check.
Checked out the Ahn-sel Adams book
from the library to put on the living room coffee table?
It's all covered. Now all I need to do is sell this sucker.
Oh, Walker Lee is going to sell this one.
Dee, we need some conversation pieces for the house on Ben.
I just got a premonition that big things suspended
from the ceiling are gonna be hot,
so bring me something metal, heavy and fantastic.
I just saw the most exquisite object d'art.
Peggy, meet me at the dump. Excellent.
Uh, but before that, Peggy, I need you to brush my teeth.
To the dump.
What about that anchor?
It's heavy, metal... I think it's pretty good.
Nautical? You're so naive it's almost cute...
but not quite.
Grab the rusty propeller.
(phone ringing)
Fabulous. I'm on it.
Get this to the office, chop-chop.
No offense.
Yes-ow!
(cork popping)
Champagnoise at 9 in the morning can only mean one thing.
A big sale.
Congratulations to all of us.
To Candi and Roger and Walker Lee and Dee and Janet and me.
The vital organs of Team Sizemore.
King me. Cheers to the king.
He thanked everybody but us.
Maybe he just forgot.
People are always forgetting the skin.
Oh, and thanks to the Sparkletts guy!
How could we have done our jobs if we weren't properly hydrated?
Another "Sizemore Says":
Sizemore says you have a pot of gold at the end of your neck.
Your face. Get it out there.
Chris, do you have a minute?
Oh, hi, Peggy.
Just mining diamonds. What's up?
Chris, I know I have talents that aren't being utilized.
I can do more here. I'm ready.
Oh, Peggy, I would have thought you were ready,
except you told me you were ready.
Damn.
Don't worry Peggy.
When you're ready, you'll know.
Because I will have just told you.
What did he say?
A lot of very wise things that all seem to mean no.
Dang it, Mrs. Hill.
I've seen the test scores for Arlen High.
If I have to go there, my only options will be DeVry
or the University of Phoenix.
Which one, Mrs. Hill?!
On the radio, they both sound like good institutions, but...
Okay, I'm gonna fix this.
I shouldn't have told Chris I was ready.
I should have proved it.
That's the reason you hired me in the first place.
My moxie.
Well, using that moxie to "get my face out there."
This is Nancy Hicks-Gribble's Arlen Business Journal.
Today we're talking with Peggy Hill from Sizemore Realty;
Team Sizemore is one of Arlen's
greatest business success stories.
It most certainly is.
It all starts with Chris, of course.
The man is brilliant and charismatic.
He could lead any cult he wanted to.
He chose real estate.
What makes Team Sizemore so successful
is that we're like a human body
with all the parts working together
in harmony to sell houses.
Oh, that is fascinating.
Chris... naturally, is the brain.
And what are you, Peggy?
I am the face.
Did you think I wouldn't see this?
I knew you would see it.
That was the point, to get my face out there.
Just like you said... my face is a pot of gold.
No, my face is a pot of gold.
Look... face, gold, neck, they're all metaphors.
I am the boss, and you do what I say when I say it.
You crossed the line, Peggy.
You weren't a team player.
So you're off Team Sizemore.
But you like my moxie. That was all moxie.
Sorry, Peggy. You're fired.
No... no.
I'm going to be a dental technologist.
PEGGY: Fired from the Bystander,
fired from Sizemore Realty.
Bobby, check the Guinness World Records
and see who holds the one for being fired the most times.
I'm pretty sure, it's George Jetson.
Well, don't take it so hard.
Maybe you're better off
not working for this Chris Sizemore fella.
You don't understand.
Real estate was my passion, and now it's gone.
Now I know what it's like to smoke crack.
I took one hit of real estate and it blew off my skull.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
(knocking)
Hey, Mrs. Hill.
I just wanted to give your blazer back.
Oh, Connie, why don't you keep it?
No, thanks. I don't think it'll keep me warm on the squid boat.
My cousin's coming in this weekend to re-chum
and I'm hoping he'll let me crew up.
Connie, I cannot let you give up.
Which means I can't give up.
We are going to sell a house
and you are getting into private school.
I wonder if the murderer
took a practice swing before doing the deed.
The temptation to yell "Fore!" Must have been overwhelming.
Dang it, Dale, I don't think you gave me these clubs
to apologize for anything.
You gave them to me to torture me.
Well, I'm not gonna play with them any more
until I've cleared their name.
HANK: So you didn't kill that fella
with any of these golf clubs, right?
No.
Okay then.
Well, I do like the anchor. I think we need more room.
We want to start a family.
Wait a second... you're adopting?
I adopted, too!
It's so great that you go to work with your mom.
Mom is really terrific.
Connie loves this place.
When her real parents abandoned her in a ditch,
all she wanted was to be adopted
and live in a house with a center island kitchen.
Connie, why don't you show Wayne and Jeff
where you'd put a swing set.
Yes, Mom.
An adopted Asian daughter. Brilliant.
I wish I had thought of that.
Done. Candi and Roger are adopting.
I told you I had talent.
You've really done your homework, Peggy.
Except for one little thing...
You don't have a real estate license.
All it takes is 150 hours.
And I've already signed up online.
What's to keep me from calling the Texas Real Estate Commission
as soon as I get back in my hybrid?
I don't know. Maybe nothing.
I'll tell you what's keeping me from making that call.
Respect.
I knew I'd find you here.
I knew you'd even steal my best bus bench.
And I know you'll sell this house
to those cosmopolitan gentlemen at above asking price.
I know you because I made you.
The question is,
"Am I going to break you?"
Go ahead, do what you have to do.
Peggy, you and I can take on more than Arlen,
and more than Heimlich County.
I'm not gonna make that call.
On one condition.
Team Peggy merges forces with Team Sizemore.
We'll call it Team Sizemore.
I accept.
On one condition.
That I get to sell.
Starting with this house. Granted.
And I get to keep the bus bench.
Denied.
Then in the print ad
I am the first member of Team Sizemore
to pour out of the cornucopia.
Ooh, that's going to tick off Walker Lee.
But motivate him as well. Done.
King me.
Who else besides Bill didn't bring tees?
Me!
Huh.
Well, Duckworth must have been a skier.
MINH: Squid boat. KAHN: Squid boat!
Ripped By mstoll
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