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Ripped By mstoll
MAN (on TV): Friend, you too can be rich like Dr. Money
and have champagne for breakfast and caviar for your cats.
How much return do you want for your investment?
(loud crash)
(mumbles)
200%?
Okay, Mr. Hard Bargain, 400%!
(gasps)
And all by just walking out to your mailbox.
Of course, walking to mailbox not so easy
when your mansion's this big!
That could have been me under there.
I could have died last night.
A bed, huh?
I always pictured you sleeping in a pile
of shredded newspaper like a hamster.
Boy, facing your own mortality really makes you think.
Feels like someone's trying to tell me something.
Yeah, that was me six months ago
when I said you needed to get your roof inspected.
No, Hank.
My roof caving in happened for a reason.
It wasn't to kill me, it was to wake me up.
I've been spared for some greater purpose, but what?
Why am I here?
Tell you what, man,
talkin' 'bout ol' meaning of life, man.
Go read that ol' Hitchhiker's Guide, man.
Talk-Talkin' 'bout ol' four... 42, man.
Look, Bill, you're just shaken up 'cause you lost a good roof.
All you need is a home maintenance organizer.
I'll make you a binder.
Thanks, but what I need is meaning,
and there's no binder for that.
Look, Bill, I'm on your deathbed.
Now I'm bouncing on your deathbed.
Maybe Bill's purpose in life should be
to proofread the bulletin.
Apparently spell- check is a sin.
Hey, Hank.
Can you scooch over?
Come on, Bill.
It's kind of tight in here already.
I can't focus on God
if I'm afraid we're going to touch knees.
Please.
I promise I won't spread.
(Sighs)
REVEREND STROUP: Good morning.
Before we begin, I'd like to share some thoughts
about last week's church breakfast.
Normally I don't take it personally
when people don't participate,
but when you're sitting alone with 300 pancakes,
you can't help but take stock.
Anyway, after a glass of Merlot and a good cry, I realized,
"Hey, I'm not a quitter."
So I've come up with some fantastic new activities
and they're listed in your bulletins.
Hey, there's something every night of the week,
sometimes two things.
Somethings happening to me, Hank, something wonderful.
Uh, okay.
I think I've found my purpose.
It's here in the church
Reverend Stroup needs people to get involved
and that's what I'm going to do.
Well, good for you, Bill.
Uh, I know you're excited,
but I'm going to need at least a hymnal's width between us.
Sorry.
REVEREND STROUP: Everyone,
we have a new addition to our Bible study: Bill Dauterive.
We're happy to have you with us, Bill.
I'm happy to be here.
God told me to come here tonight.
No, no, no,
not in a crazy way.
It was purely inspirational.
Okay, does anyone here have any thoughts
about this week's reading?
Yeah, I-I still don't understand
how Abraham could wait a hundred years
before God gave him a son.
I've been waiting four years for a promotion
and my head's about to explode.
Oh, good, we're talking about your job again.
Well, it's better than talking
about your tomato plants for the 15th time.
I think the story's
about patience.
Being patient is hard, but if you're waiting
for something really great, it's worth it.
Thank you, Bill.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
Huh.
Hmm.
Really.
Wow.
Bill, I'm tired of holding your beer.
This hand isn't used to being cold.
Sorry, just brushing up on my First and Second 'Timothy.
So I guess you found what you were looking for
there at the church, huh?
You know, purpose and whatnot?
Oh, it's great.
I've got Bible study three nights a week,
"Apostles and Donuts" on Tuesday mornings,
and this Sunday I'm starting a class
about the biblical truths in Narnia.
Wow, Bill, that is a lot of God.
I know.
I think I've found my calling.
I can't wail to teach the Bible to people all over the world.
Uh, the world?
Oh, sure.
The church organizes mission trips all over.
Haiti, Romania, Nigeria.
Then, maybe I'll spend a couple of years
in a Methodist monastery to really hone my skills.
And Bill's off the rails.
Now hang on, Bill.
You can't go jumping in headfirst like you usually do.
Before you become a minister and run off to Africa,
maybe you should try to find
what you're looking for right here.
Okay, but really, it's not up to me,
so don't get mad if you're overruled by God.
Morning.
Beautiful Sunday, isn't it?
Nice Bible, Mr. Dauterive.
Thanks.
It's waterproof, tear-proof.
The guy at the store said it could survive the Apocalypse.
I guess you needed something more durable
for those mission trips, huh?
Oh, no, those are off, Hank.
I'm not going anywhere.
Really?
Thank God.
I had a long talk with Reverend Stroup
and decided you were right.
My purpose is right here in Arlen.
Everything I need is in this church,
all wrapped up with a green satin stole.
Well, that's a weird way to put it,
but I'm glad you came to your senses.
Uh... do you want me to scoot over?
No, thanks. I'm gonna grab
a seat closer to the front.
Good morning.
Our Old Testament reading
can be found on page 451 of your pew Bibles.
Let us hear the Word.
"Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth,
for your love is better than the wine."
Uh, what is this?
Song of Solomon.
Isn't it a little PG-13 for church?
Shh!
"You have ravished my heart with one look of your eyes..."
"I am my beloved';
and his desire is toward me..."
No!
Uh, I, uh...
Sorry, I dropped my Bible here.
Bill, open up.
Bill, I know what's going on here.
You and Reverend Stroup are... involved.
That's crazy, Hank.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Pff, crazy.
Come on, Bill.
You can come out. He knows.
REVEREND STROUP: Relax, Hank.
I won't bite.
Unless you want her to. (chuckles)
Sorry. Poorly timed joke, completely inappropriate,
don't even know if it's true.
Hank, it's okay-ministers are allowed to date.
I'm not just a person of God.
I'm a woman, too.
Uh, I wouldn't know anything about that.
Still, I've found that congregations
can be less than accepting
when it comes to this type of situation.
Why do you think I left St. Paul?
So if you wouldn't mind, can we keep this just between us?
(Sighs)
All right.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I gotta go mow
or water or something.
I like that song, too. She sings like an angel.
Who could Bill be talking to?
We're all right here.
Uh, it's probably just work.
(giggling)
Sorry, fellas.
That's okay. We were just, uh... (phone ringing)
Hello.
Hi...
uh, General.
Sorry, I have to take this.
(Sighs)
Oh, Drake.
(knock at door)
BILL: Hank.
Hi, everybody!
Hank, we need to talk.
BOBBY: Hey, Mr. Dauterive,
I think Joseph and I saw you out at Lake Arlen today
when we were riding bikes.
Uh, I'm sure it, was someone else.
Mr. Dauterive has a very common shape.
It sure looked like him.
He was in his car with some woman.
She was a prostitute! Bill!
(nervous laughter) Just kidding. Wasn't me.
Bill, outside.
What do you want, Bill?
Well, as a thank you for covering for my,
you know, steamy secret relationship,
I wanted to take you out to dinner.
Uh, that's really not necessary.
We'll go for steak.
Good steak... Hmm.
Prime steak... Hmm...
Hank, don't be mad.
Don't talk to me.
I had to trick you.
You wouldn't have come if I'd told you Karen and I
wanted a romantic evening out, and we needed you for cover.
It's so naughty being out in public, isn't it?
No one in this restaurant knows we're an item.
The secret drives me wild.
How wild?
That's my foot.
Sorry. Sorry.
Hey, there's one of those gypsy ladies
selling roses and Tic-Tacs.
I'm gonna buy you one of each.
Hank, I was thinking about taking Bill
to this cute B&B outside McMaynerbury.
Can you sneak away for an overnight?
What? No!
Reverend Stroup, I can't do this anymore.
I don't want to "sneak away,"
I don't want to keep lying to everyone.
And you shouldn't either.
But I don't have a choice.
If Bill and I want our relationship to work,
we have to keep it a secret,
or boom, it's St. Paul all over again.
Well, it seems to me
the things you have to keep secret are things you shouldn't be doing.
You're right, Hank. It is wrong.
I'll talk to Bill tonight.
Sorry, Hank.
Would've looked weird if I didn't buy one for you, too.
Bobby, what are you doing? You can't take those.
But these baby envelopes are perfect for all my little stuff.
Well, you shouldn't have any "little stuff."
Now put them back.
REVEREND STROUP: Welcome, everyone.
Before we begin this morning, I have an announcement.
I hope it's the canned food drive.
I can finally unload all that pumpkin pie filling.
I've been keeping a secret from all of you,
and it's time I come clean.
(m murmuring)
I've been dating someone,
and he's right here in this room.
Oh, no.
Bill?
Peace be with you.
Oh, my God.
Hank, what's happening?
This is a disaster of biblical proportions.
Now Stroup's gonna shirk all her spiritual duties.
I'm sure she won't, Dale.
Aah, you know how women get when they're in love.
It's all kissy-face this, huggy-pie that.
Meanwhile, who's making sure I get into Heaven?
No one.
Hi, everybody.
Afternoon, Bill, Reverend Stroup.
Aw, Hank, please, call me Karen.
Yeah, I'm, I'm not gonna do that.
Relax, fellas.
You don't have to be nervous around me.
Dale, why don't you pass me one of those bad boys.
Uh, I hear my dang ol' phone ringing, man.
See you guys later, man.
Sweetie, you've got some beer foam on your lip.
(giggles)
Oops, I forgot how ticklish you are.
Oop, I forgot again!
You are so cute.
My back tire looks low.
Yep, low.
Uh, hey, Padre, salvation over here!
(groans)
I can't wait to share a popcorn with you.
That's the third time tonight I've caught people staring at us.
Oh, they're just jealous of our love.
People will have to get used to it.
Well, hello, you two.
Bill, this is Justin and Sue from church.
What a surprise to see you...
and you.
It's date night.
We're seeing that new horror movie.
I love to get scared sol can hold on to my man.
(gunshots on-screen)
(woman screams)
(bestial growl)
Thanks for asking me to join the building committee.
Actually, Hank, we got you here under false pretenses.
This is about Reverend Stroup and her... relationship.
Dang it.
How do we put this, uh...
the two of them together... Well, it's...
It's gross.
Look, we're not saying they can't date...
I'm saying that!
Okay, we wish we could say that, but we're not.
Can you just get them to tone it down a bit?
(Sighs)
What do you mean?
People have a problem with Karen and me dating?
Everyone's just having a hard time getting used to it.
Especially with the way you guys are carrying on.
I can't control howl feel, Hank.
We're in love.
If I want to kiss my woman on the street corner,
then I'm gonna do it!
Now, now calm down, Bill.
No one's saying you two can't date.
What's going on?
Who's saying we can't date?
Everybody!
Your deacon sent Hank here to break us up!
It's... it's ricoculous!
That's not true.
No one wants to break anyone up.
This is wrong, Bill.
They can't tear us apart.
I know, baby. Come here.
Well, I hope you're happy, Hank.
You've got my Karen so riled up,
she's down at the church talking
to your love-hating deacon buddies right now.
They don't hate love, Bill.
They just hate your love.
Sweetheart, are you okay?
What did they deacon say?
They said they were uncomfortable
with our relationship.
So what are they gonna do to you... stockade, public lashing?
It's already done.
I'm no longer the reverend of Arlen Methodist.
This is unacceptable!
They can't fire you for love.
That's discrimination.
They didn't fire me, Bill.
I quit.
We're gonna fight this. We're gonna... Wait. What?
I wasn't gonna stand there
while they suggested what we were doing is wrong.
So I turned in my robe.
So, our love is no longer forbidden?
That's right. Isn't it wonderful?
I'm gonna go start packing,
so I can move in tonight.
Move in? Move in?
This is so sudden.
I have to, Bill.
I can't live at the church parsonage anymore.
I'll see you soon.
Huh.
Wow, Stroup chose you over God.
Huh.
(Sighs)
Well, this is the last of it.
Can't get rid of me now. (chuckles)
This is nice,
just you and me living a quiet, normal life.
Yeah, not having to sneak around
or worry what people think is much more relaxing.
Almost boring, in fact.
That shelf would be perfect for my snow babies!
Snow babies?
DALE: Can someone roll me another beer?
Get it yourself, Dale.
No way.
Stroup's ex is bound to take vengeance on Bill,
and I don't want to be collateral damage
from one of His lightning bolts.
I don't want her in my house!
What?
I thought I wanted her,
but that was when our relationship
was exciting and taboo, like Romeo and Juliet.
Now we're just a normal, boring couple,
and Juliet put all these weird little snow babies
all over my house!
Look, you can't be so quick to break it off.
She gave up a lot for you.
Don't you think I know that?
I thought this was all part of God's plan.
But if it is, then why am I so miserable?
DALE: Someone's got to be.
Maybe God was tired of her, too,
and his plan was to dump her on your doorstep.
Please take her back! Wait...
I-I don't mean "kill her" take her back.
Oh, God, what am I gonna do?
I can't break up with her.
Tell you what, man,
talking about get her to break up with you, man.
That's how you do it, man.
Brilliant, Boomhauer!
Act like an ass, she dumps you,
you're off the hook.
Why has no one ever tried that before?
You can't do that, Bill.
I like being off the hook.
I'm gonna do Boomhauer's idea.
(Sighs)
Honey, you barely touched your dinner.
Don't you like your mashed potatoes?
(curtly): I've had better.
I guess they are a little dry.
Maybe they sat out too long.
What are you trying to say, that I was late for dinner?
No! I just didn't know
when you were coming in from the alley.
So, now I'm spending too much time with my friends.
Bill, what are you talking about?
You can't change me!
If I want to hang out in the alley and drink beer
and talk about the devil, then I'm gonna do it!
If you don't like it,
then you can break up with me.
You want to break up with me?
I don't want to break up with you.
I love you.
I know.
Mom, why is Mr. Dauterive sitting out there in the dark?
Hank, Bill's on the patio again!
HANK: I'm on it.
What's going on, Bill?
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I tried what Boomhauer said, but she still won't leave me.
I guess we're getting married.
Bill, this is ridiculous.
You can't spend the rest of your life
with someone just because you're afraid to be honest with them.
But honesty's hard.
I know, but it's the right thing to do.
There you are, sweetie.
I thought you went to get us ice cream.
No, Karen, the ice cream was a lie.
Sit down. We need to talk.
Now? Oh, God.
What's going on out there, Dad?
Mr. Dauterive and Reverend Stroup
are breaking up on my patio.
Really? Bobby, dry slower.
Peggy, we can't watch this.
Hank, we have to.
When good people fail to watch,
bad things happen.
Huh, I pegged her for a cryer,
not a screamer.
Should I be seeing this?
I feel like I'm growing up too fast.
Dang it, don't stomp on the grass!
I just reseeded that section.
Wait, she's...
Whoa! Whoa!
I think she saw us. Duck!
Our New Testament lesson is from the book of Matthew. Let us hear the Word.
"And seeing the multitudes...
So when's Reverend Stroup going to give sermons again?
That temp guy goes on too long.
I don't know.
I think she's gonna be on probation for a while.
You know, I can't help but think
that this is partly my fault.
Uh, it's kind of all your fault, Bill.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
You know, Hank, I think I finally figured out
what God's plan is for me.
Really? What's that?
You know how you told me to fix my roof,
and then you told me not to secret date our minister,
and then after I did that
I should break up with her like a man?
Yeah?
Well, I think God's plan for me
is to always listen to you.
Well, I don't know about that,
but it has been 3,000 miles since your last oil change.
Don't forget to take your car in.
Thanks, Hank.
DAUTERIVE: God told me to come here tonight.
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