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Ripped By mstoll
I thought of a new game this morning.
A pancake fell on the floor,
so I closed my eyes and put it back on one of our plates.
Now, I don't know whose plate.
I call it Pancake Roulette.
I'm gonna triple-jump this monkey.
Could someone put pancake in my mouth?
Bobby, I told you, no video games at the table.
I know, but this is homework.
It's my assignment for PE class.
I know I should have done it
last night, but I was watching TV and...
Wait, they're letting you play video games in PE?
Yeah! It's for people who don't want to exercise.
It's the Active Electronic Lifestyle option.
Well, that's asinine.
PE is supposed to be about sports.
They make video games for lots of sports:
Football, baseball, golf.
My thumbs are gonna be huge.
(Sighs)
Get in the truck.
This really isn't a good time to put me back in PE.
They're making everybody take the Presidential Fitness Test.
Bobby, when the President asks you to take a test,
you take the test.
But they make you take it in front of everybody.
And they measure your body fat with callipers.
Callipers!
Don't worry, Bobby. I'll help you train.
It'll be great.
We'll set goals, design a program
and chart your progress.
(groans)
(whistle blows)
Hill?
What are you doing here?
I thought all the doughy kids
were gonna take the easy way out.
No offense, Hank.
Well, you call 'em like you see 'em, Coach.
But that's why Bobby is here.
He's taking the Presidential Fitness test.
Son, take your place in line.
And do whatever Coach Kleehammer screams.
(groans)
What the heck is going on, Carl?
I know the divorce hasn't been easy,
but that's no reason to take it out on PE.
School board wants more computers in the classroom,
and they said this counts.
You got to understand my position, Hank.
I can't believe you are spending our tax dollars on...
Lowrider Rampage.
We're not spending a penny.
It's a new program
in conjunction with the community college.
Their kids design the games and our kids test them.
Could be worse.
There's a school in Houston
that sits around watching kung fu movies all day.
But playing video games isn't the same as doing a pull-up.
These kids should be outside.
Especially that one.
MOSS: He ain't a student, Hank.
That's one of our student teachers.
SAM: 'Bout time you got here.
Boys' bathroom stinks, dude.
What? I'm not the janitor.
And you need to show some respect.
Hey, that's a sweet hat.
Where'd you get it, Urban Outfitters?
I got it at work.
Oh.
Do you work at Urban Outfitters?
No. I work at Strickland Propane.
It's not ironic?
You're got-dang right it's not.
How in the hell can a hat be ironic?
Check out how aggro this guy is.
(gunshot)
Dang, I just got shot in the face!
(Bobby grunting)
The President's Fitness Test demands total focus.
Those that pass will get a certificate,
printed with a version of the president's signature.
Those who do not pass will get a magnet.
A blank magnet!
(grunting)
(grunts)
(Sighs)
HANK: Strickland propane.
Taste the meat, not the heat.
Uh, well, most people put ketchup or mustard on it.
No, I wouldn't recommend both.
Ah, don't touch that!
What are you people doing here anyway?
I don't know. You got us curious about propane.
Check it out. Propane's a liquid and a gas.
I know that.
I've been stocking that pamphlet since before you were born.
Hey, dude, how do we get one of those hats?
By dedicating your life to propane.
You're not qualified to wear one of these.
What if someone came up to you with a leaky propane tank
and all you could do is stand there and say,
"Duh, I don't know. I'm just wearing the hat"?
"Leaky propane tank."
(chuckles)
I think he's about to take a swing at us.
Awesome.
Leave.
HANK: Boy, I'm glad I got you
out of that video game class, Bobby.
Those teachers are a couple of giblet-heads.
Isn't this better?
Pain leading to gain.
(grunting)
Yeah, this is just great.
What the heck is Hank Hill making?
Maybe he going to hang up Gribble
and beat him until candy comes out.
No. If Gribble had candy inside him,
Bobby Hill would've found it already.
(both laughing)
Standing long jump.
Now, when I say "go," jump as far as you can.
Swing your arms.
And... go!
Really?
Uh, well...
okay, son, uh, good effort,
good effort.
Hey, dudes, video game PE is harder than I thought.
Do you think you could help me with my homework?
Sorry, Joseph.
I got to jump.
The new game my teacher made is about propane.
HANK: Well, that figures.
Those two idiots spelled it wrong.
Hey, wait a second.
This looks like Strickland Propane.
See, I can't move my bobtail.
Try pressing the red button.
Oh, my God!
Dad, it's you!
- Cool - Cool
I tell you what.
So, wait, when you play this game, you get to be Hank?
That sounds interesting.
It's not interesting. It's thievery.
You can't just take someone's face without asking.
Thank you!
HANK: This is crazy.
Those idiot gamers have put features
of the Char King onto the Flamemaster.
This won't stand.
We have to do something.
They're exploiting my business for financial gain!
Potentially huge, incredible financial gain!
Catalog every mention of Strickland Propane
and other verbiage for which I own
or intend to own a copyright.
Yes, sir.
Rogers already getting me
familiar with the game.
I think I got all the points I can in here.
Let's go outside.
(punch landing)
Oh, my God.
You just punched that motorist!
I needed a vehicle.
(people screaming)
On, my leg!
This is horrible!
Hold on a second.
I'm gonna engage these guys.
Engage?
Well, that's the basics.
I got a delivery to make.
Remember, cops are bad.
(punches landing)
Taste the meat and the heat.
(man grunts)
Oh, God, I just stabbed a parking attendant.
Where's the button to turn myself in?
Well, Hank, as you can see,
pretty much nothing happens when you're not here.
Sorry, Bobby, I can't train you right now.
I've got some work to do for Mr. Strickland.
I'll help you, Bobby.
All right, let's see what you got.
Jump over the bar!
Uh, actually, Dale,
I need your help with the video game.
Bobby, I'll be right back.
Go ahead and get started.
I thought my dad knew me better.
I am not a self-motivator.
I'm not doing anything.
I could help you until your dad comes back.
(grunting)
(Sighs)
Try kicking your legs.
(grunting)
Watch and learn.
I'm going to teach you a technique I call brain hand.
It involves me mentally shutting off my brain,
and then moving it into my hands.
Aw, come on!
If you threw a propane tank at a car,
neither one of them would explode.
Dale, make Hank wave back at me.
My turn! I'm next!
Where do I find Peggy?
(gunshot, man groaning)
But I barely got to be Hank at all.
Okay, that's enough messing around.
I'm on official Strickland business.
A Manager mode, huh?
Didn't notice that before.
(chuckles)
That's kind of interesting.
Wow, North Arlen's changed.
There sure are a lot of check cashing places.
Oh, look at that pretty lady
taking her little baby for a walk.
Oh, no! Get him, Hank!
Before he gets away!
Huh? Well, okay.
Well, this bobtail handles nicely.
Hurry, Hank! Hurry!
(tires screeching)
DALE: Don't chase him!
Shoot him in the back!
That's not how I do things.
You did it!
Hey, maybe this game doesn't have to be about the mayhem.
You'll never rob a mini-man again, buster.
You've been promoted to Senior Manager.
Oh, my God, what's next?
Regional Manager?
(Sighs)
(rapid gunfire)
(man groaning)
Got-dang pimp-
(gunfire)
Excuse me.
I'm looking to upgrade my grill.
Well, propane is ideal for both home and business.
Uh, okay...
STRICKLAND: Well, bad news,
OI' Top.
No need for us to fool around
with this game anymore.
What? Why?
Well, there's no money in, it.
Lawyer says it's in the public domain.
But... there,
there are three more levels I haven't even seen yet.
Yeah, well,
I ain't gonna make any money off it,
so quit playing and get back to work.
(gunfire)
Okay.
Grab the bar, you sissified piece of lady snot!
That's what my coach always says.
(grunts)
Go! Go! Go!
Almost there.
(grunting)
Bobby, you got off the ground.
What was it?
Printer paper?
No.
Construction.
This is why my dad hasn't been around.
He wanted me to gut it out.
And I did!
(beeping)
All right!
Drop and give me one!
You pathetic little cockroach!
Give me a push-up.
Now! Now! Now!
(grunting)
Cockroach did a push-up.
Cockroach did a push-up!
I gotta go tell my dad!
Mom, I did a push-up
a real live push-up, not a lady one either.
I gave a hundred and ten percent
and I gotta go tell Dad!
My face was on the ground,
and then I started pushing,
and then when I opened my eyes,
the ground was moving away from my face!
Uh-huh.
Wanna see me do a push-up without bending my knees?
One more punk and I am Regional Manager.
I think your father would love to see you do a push-up.
Right, Hank?
(moans)
(grunting)
Well, that's a thinker.
It sure is!
I'm gonna go hit the showers.
(explosion)
(chuckles)
Well, that's the way you manage a region.
(gunfire)
Why'd you do that?
To be dramatic.
Well, quick! If you plug it back in,
it might start where I left off.
A woman knows
when her husband has an addiction, Hank.
A woman who reads Parade Magazine knows.
What?
No! You're overreacting!
Am n
Do you have any idea how your son's doing?
Or the lawn?
Nothing's wrong with the lawn.
Hank, there's a brown spot.
And there's also a brown spot on your son.
What?
What are you talking about?
I'm lunging!
I'm feelin' the burn!
Was Bobby just doing lunges?
(Sighs)
Oh, my God, you're right.
I didn't realize killing a man
with my bare thumbs would change me so much.
I'll quit.
Prove it.
Trash that controller.
"Ask Marilyn" says that people
who own fancy electronics are called' "technosexuals."
Take it.
Okay, let's go. Grab your feet.
Come on. Grab 'em.
(grunting)
Good try. "A" for effort.
Nice work.
All right, break time.
Bobby, go get your Game Boy.
What?
Your Game Boy. Go get it.
Is this a trick?
(door closes)
Yes, it was.
And, uh, and you passed.
And for your reward...
go get your Game Boy.
(laughing): Dad!
Nice try!
(grunting)
It's good to have you back, Hank.
I figured out how to drink my beer through osmosis.
Yeah.
Well, the game was way too easy anyway.
The designers could've bumped it up a notch.
I still enjoy it.
I found some folks on the Internet
who play against each other online.
You can do that?
Yeah, I'm not very good.
There are too many Hanks on the screen.
I never know which one to listen to.
I didn't know playing online was even an option.
Uh, there's a smudge on my glasses.
Excuse me.
Mm-hmm.
I'm so buzzed.
(whines)
Don't judge me, Lady Bird.
(punches landing)
No, no, not my pimp cup.
How could you, Hank?
All right, how about this?
I'll only play one night a week, after work.
I won't even watch TV.
No. Well, what about you? You have hobbies!
You play Boggle. Let's talk about that.
Hmm-mm, you will not turn this around on me.
I married a man, Hank, not a... gamer.
(gunfire)
Carl, I need to find
those game quote- unquote teachers.
Sorry, Peggy.
Video game program's been cancelled.
Bunch of parents found out
their kids were playing video games,
started something called an "action group."
Scared the hell out of the district.
I need to find them, Carl.
I have a question about their game.
Well, you can probably rule out any place with girls.
Go on, get.
Get on back to PE.
Body horror makes classic horror look like Euro horror.
Wait, what's body horror?
Why are we even friends?
PEGGY: Oh, thank God I found you.
My husband Hank is addicted to your Pro-Pain game.
I need your help to get him to stop.
Well, don't worry. It'll fall out of style.
Only like six people still play it.
Yeah, things don't fall out of style for Hank.
There's only two things
that will stop a gamer from gaming:
Boredom or humiliation.
Though two percent stop because of seizures.
Hank is incapable of boredom or seizures.
But humiliation...
(punches landing)
Taste the meat and the heat.
My Hank died.
(explosion) Dude.
I got pro-pained!
Hey, everybody!
I'm Hank Hill!
I'm driving home to have a hot meal
with my wife and my son, whom I love so much!
(sighing)
Yes!
What?
But I killed everyone.
Escucha me.
You?
Well, that's first timers luck.
You won't get me again.
Why won't you die?
I am invincible.
That's cheating.
Tell me how.
The programmers who made the game put me
in "Commissioner Mode."
What?
There is no one above me
and I cannot be killed.
And once this Commissioner explodes itself,
that is the end of the game.
Forever.
No, no, no.
Can, can I try Commissioner Mode?
Please, just 15 minutes.
Don't do it.
(Sighs)
Well, thank you, Peggy.
It feels good to blink.
(grunting)
Way to go,
Bobby! Woo-hoo!
Good job, Hill.
You need two more to pass.
(grunting)
(Sighs)
Sorry, Coach, that's all I got.
Take your magnet.
Okay, next up!
Tell me when to squeeze.
I don't deserve it.
What are you talking about? You did great.
Why? I failed.
I'm not getting the President's Fitness Award.
Bobby, turn around.
You did one more pull-up
than all these other kids.
Yeah, you're right!
And we'll start training for next year right now.
BOBBY: Great!
Dad, do you think I should shave off my body hair
to be more aerodynamic next time?
No, Bobby, I don't.
VIRTUAL HANK: Taste the meat and the heat.
Ripped By mstoll
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