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Ripped By mstoll
(slurps)
Gentlemen,
do not be alarmed if you hear any loud noises
coming from my property over the next few days.
I'm just blowing stuff up.
Look what I found at the library!
'How to Blow Stuff Up!
You're making a bomb?
Several. I'm engaged in an arms race
with an exterminator in McMaynerberry.
You could get in a lot of trouble for this, Dale.
I'm pretty sure the government keeps track of books like that.
At least I hope they do.
You mean Rusty Shackleford could get in a lot of trouble.
I have a library card in his name. Sha-sha!
(sighs): Are you still pretending to be that guy?
It's a victimless crime,
like eating grapes at the supermarket.
Or stealing coupons from Hank's Sunday newspaper...
Boomhauer.
I want you to all look at the plate
in front of you... What do you see?
Steak!
That's right. Steak.
That's what you eat when you're a member of Team Sizemore,
the number one Realtor in Heimlich County.
But this month's top sellers get something more.
They get to eat steak... with me.
Oh, the view must be great from up there.
And this month's lucky diner is...
(quietly): Peggy Hill!
Candi and Roger!
Oh, yeah! Yeah!
Damn it!
(laughs): Come on, you two!
Bring your steaks on up here.
(applauding)
Ta-ta!
It's easy to be the top salesperson
when you sell Arlen Heights.
Peggy is the real hero...
Trying to move those houses in Belchefs Grove.
(chuckles) CANDI: Don't worry,
you'll get here one day,
one shack at a time.
(Candi chuckling) ROGER: Oh! Ooh, ouch.
HANK: Why do we have to watch
a foreign movie?
If it was any good,
they would've made an American version.
Do you think I am enjoying this? No.
Bull need upscale clients in places like Arlen Heights.
Wealthy people like culture.
Cultured people watch foreign movies.
Something's happening!
(man on TV groans)
(sighs): This is ridiculous.
Ridiculous?!
Are you kidding, Dad?
Colette is gonna leave Etienne for Claude
because Etienne has malaise.
Malaise!
That guy just sprouted wings.
All right, that's it, Peggy, I'm gonna have to ask you
to relinquish the remote control.
Fine! I'll watch the rest at Minh's.
I bet she likes foreign movies... She's a foreigner.
To her, it's just a movie.
TED: Dinner was splendid.
I suppose it would be appropriate for us to reciprocate.
We're having a party this weekend.
We'd love it if you could make it.
Oh, we'll be there!
And then maybe this summer, we come visit
at your beach house on the Gulf.
Uh... of course.
Well, let's set a date!
I get calendar.
Please, do not make this awkward.
(doorbell rings)
I'll get it.
Oh, it's the Wassonasongs.
(gasps): Of Arlen Heights!
Well, how is life in The Heights?
You know, I'm a Realtor... Are you looking to sell?
Because I just watched this wonderful French movie.
Actually, Ted and I
are thinking about selling our house.
We're having a little party this weekend.
You should come... We could talk more.
(gasps) Make sure new guesthouse has big room,
so I can drop off present... me!
(Dale humming a tune)
"Set the timer and retreat to a safe distance."
'Key.
Oh, my lucky hat!
(relieved sigh)
My smokes!
(explosion)
Thanks for the ride, Hank.
If I pass out before we get to the hospital,
tell them my name is Rusty Shackleford.
He's got great insurance...
Medicaid. This is the dumbest thing you've ever done.
You could have lost a finger.
C-Correction: Rusty Shackleford could have lost a finger.
(Sighs)
Hello. I'm Peggy Hill.
I'm a guest of the Wassonasongs.
You're on the list.
Welcome to Arlen Heights.
Peggy!
Come on in. Oh, I'm not trying to pressure you,
but I thought I'd bring this sign in just in case.
(quietly): Jackpot!
Hi. Peggy Hill, Sizemore Realty.
Hello. Peggy Hill, Sizemore Really.
MRS. WASSONASONG: Take your seats, everybody.
The presentation is about to begin.
Presentation?
That's right. All the products you see
in this kitchen are made by the Cozy Kitchen Company,
and I am your Cozy Kitchen saleslady.
Hey, this not a party.
It's an ambush. You think if we buy fancy corkscrew,
we'll get invited to beach house?
(chuckles quietly): I know what I'm buying...
A giant spatula to flip this house.
(doorbell rings)
Dale Gribble?
Maybe. Who's asking?
Rusty Shackleford.
Du... Wha.?! It's me, Dale.
But-but that's impossible.
Rusty died in third grade.
I didn't die. I moved.
You need to stop using my name, Dale.
I am not using your name.
And I am not Dale!
Come on, Dale, you're smoking the same brand
of cigarettes you did in the third grade.
Get off my property, whoever I am!
(siren blaring)
Ta-da!
Cozy Kitchen makes spaghetti so authentic
you'll say "Mama Mia!"
(laughs)
(angry groan)
Now, let's mingle and place orders.
One five-bedroom colonial with a side of multiple offers?
(both laugh)
Oh Peggy, you're a delight.
But I'm having second thoughts about moving.
What? You can't.
This is my way into Arlen Heights.
Is it the commission? I'll cut it in half.
Oh, it's not the commission.
These people aren't just my customers,
they've become my friends.
Who will take care of them?
I will... I will take over
as Cozy Kitchen representative for you.
I will sell your house; I'll even help you pack.
I am a full-service Realtor.
Wow, Peggy, you sure are making this easy for me.
But I need to talk to Ted first.
It's done. We're free.
Super.
(train whistle blows)
So wait, how is selling kitchen appliances
gonna help you sell houses?
Cozy Kitchen gets me in the door,
then Peggy the Realtor sells the house.
Look at all these free samples.
You see this can opener, Hank?
This is also a door opener.
Wow! A toaster that only cooks hot dogs?
That's not a toaster, Bobby. What is it?
A door opener!
Exactly!
And once I open enough doors,
I will be the top seller
eating steak at Chris's table.
What are you doing here?
You're along way from Belcher's Grove.
Peggy, I've been wondering... In Belcher's,
do you count a couch on the roof as a family room?
(laughs)
(chuckles): Oh-ho-ho, sometimes.
But right now, I'm visiting clients.
PEGGY: Ta-ta!
(doorbell rings)
Hi.
I am Peggy Hill,
member of Sizemore Realty, and your new
Cozy Kitchen...
representative.
(shouts): I'm leaving a free sample and my card.
I-I really need to talk to Dale.
I'm trying to get a small business loan,
but the bank thinks I'm the same guy
who skipped town on a string of failing alpaca farms.
Well, if we see him, we'll give him the message.
I want to handle this like gentlemen, but...
well, I'm not leaving town until it's sorted out.
Nice meeting you!
Did you hear that?
He's not leaving.
(grunts)
He's gonna hunt me like an animal
and kill me... like an animal!
I was never here!
Could someone toss me a beer.
Can I help you?
Hey there. I'm Judy Barnes, Cozy Kitchen Corporate.
I just wanted to stop by to welcome you in person.
It's fun, isn't it?
Well, I'm not getting the warmest reaction,
and the free samples didn't help out as much I expected.
That wasn't a sample kit, silly.
That was your first inventory shipment.
Aw, well, potato, po-tah-to.
No. Potato.
You owe us money, lots of money.
You probably don't realize how threatening you're coming off,
even with the smile.
Peggy, bless your heart.
I don't think you understand how deep you're in.
I suggest you read your contract.
"No right to arbitration...
serious financial ramifications."
And it's not just the starter kit!
I also have monthly quotas!
They've got me over a barrel.
This is just like that time I had
to sell all those candy bars for school.
Is there any way you can eat your way out of this?
I'm afraid not, Bobby.
I need to get those samples back.
Excuse me, the gate isn't working.
We had to change all the codes.
Some saleslady was harassing people.
I see.
You know what that guard shack needs?
A panini maker.
Please exit the Heights.
(horns honking)
What's all this?
Next month's product.
Your garage was locked.
I hope you don't mind, we used a crow bar.
But I haven't sold this month's product yet.
If I were you,
I'd quit arguing and start selling...
because Cozy Kitchen is going to get their money
one way or the other.
(engine cranking)
Love your roses!
Oh, hey, Sug. What's up?
I came over to apologize.
I have been so busy selling Cozy Kitchen to Arlen Heights,
I've completely ignored my friends.
Here.
Just circle what you want.
Okay, um...
Oh!
I'll take one of these.
A vegetable peeler?
A $12 vegetable peeler?!
Well, I don't need anything else.
Who cares?! How about a juicer?
A crepe pan?
Help me out. I'm dying here!
You're hurtin' me, sug.
(car door shuts)
(thump)
Peggy?
What are you doing?
I tried calling, but you didn't answer.
Cozy Kitchen is not going so well.
But it's okay, I have the perfect solution:
Let's get this house on the market, huh?
About the house, Peggy-
It's just, a...
a bad time of year for us...
and, uh...
Oh, for goodness sake, Cindy, look at her. Just tell her.
You're not planning to sell the house, are you?
No.
I'm sorry.
I had to get out of my contract and the only way
was to find a replacement.
We did what we had to do.
We tried to disappear from the face of the Earth
by holing up at our beach house.
It's on an island!
They still found us.
They have motorboats, Peggy!
Motorboats.
CINDY: You have no idea
what Cozy Kitchen is capable of.
If you want out,
you have to find a better way
to disappear than we did.
Or find your own patsy.
LUANNE: I'm going to be a Cozy Kitchen representative.
Oh, thank you, Aunt Peggy.
I'm gonna wear pink,
and learn to cook and...
and, oh, God, oh, God, I can't believe
I have this great job!
You hear that, baby?
We're gonna be okay!
Stop!
I cannot let you do this.
But you promised.
I - I'm sorry, Luanne.
It's a scam.
I want to sell Cozy Kitchen!
Come on.
One more leprechaun.
Dammit.
(doorbell rings)
(telephone rings)
DALE: Ow!
Shh!
(whispering): What are you doing?
Hiding.
And you're blowing my cover!
This is my hedge.
Go find your own.
I was here first.
And Hank deeded this hedge to me.
He didn't want you to get it in the divorce.
Shh!
Dale?
Who are you...
Stifle, woman.
I think I hear Shackleford's car.
Who's Shackleford?
The man whose identity I stole.
Who are you hiding from?
Cozy Kitchen.
The people who made our vegetable peeler?
That thing's great!
All I wanted was to sell a big house,
get to sit at Chris's little table
and get some respect.
All I wanted was a fall guy,
so I'd never have to take responsibility
for my actions.
They're destroying my realty career.
They're threatening to take everything,
and I can't tell Hank about it.
I don't know where to turn.
Me neither.
There's no escape!
Maybe if I killed myself he'd leave me alone.
While you're at it, take me out, too.
Peggy, it would be my pleasure.
A murder/suicide pact.
That might work.
If Shackleford and Cozy Kitchen think we're dead,
they'll stop looking for us.
Let's do it.
I'll pretend to kill you
and then pretend to take my own life.
Pretend?
Ah, well, I guess I'm still in.
Okay, here's the story.
We stole Bill's car.
That part's true.
Then we drove it into the ravine.
And you think that's really going
to convince people we're dead?
How hard can it be?
Shackleford convinced me he was dead
in the third grade.
It appears Bill needs to have his tires aligned.
Run!
Hmm.
Well, Bill's gonna need a new seat.
After we throw the dummies into the water,
we leave a suicide note on the railing.
The swift current will tear the dummies apart,
and the cops won't find a thing.
Well, then why throw the dummies in the first place?
Who would even know?
We'd know.
Show a little pride, Peggy.
(garage door opening)
Oh, Hank. You're home early.
Huh? No, I'm not.
What's going on with those dummies?
Maybe this is good.
We could use a witness to our fake deaths.
To your what?
Did I not mention this to you?
HANK: What the hell were you thinking?
I was out of options, Hank.
I couldn't sell a house to cover the cost of the pots and pans.
If you have any better ideas
than murder-suicide I would love to hear them.
Well, why don't you throw one of those parties like Cindy did?
Yes! That's good!
Then I could find a patsy that I'm not related to!
No! Then you could at least prove
to this Judy woman that you're trying your best.
And then Judy could tell corporate
what she sees at the party.
This could work, Hank.
Judy,
I'm so glad you could make it.
I presume you have a check for me.
We'll talk after my presentation.
(doorbell rings)
DALE: Coming.
Ha ha!
You'll never catch me, Shackleford!
And thanks to my Cozy Kitchen nonstick frying pan,
$49.99,
my eggs slide onto the plate.
(applause)
Help!
You gotta hide me!
Shackleford is on his way.
Dale, if you are not here
to make a purchase, I must ask you to leave.
Ah, then I am taking you as my hostage.
Ha! No!
Oh, Lord.
Ah! Oh!
Ahh! Stop it!
Let go!
No! Dale!
That does it, Dale, I will kill you!
If you kill me, I'm taking you with me!
Oh, no you won't!
Yeah! (grunting)
PEGGY: No, stop! Sha-shaw!
What the heck is going on?
We still have a chance.
Act like a ghost.
Wow.
This pan's amazing.
I'm riddled with tiny shrapnel,
but it doesn't have a scratch on it.
Ooh. Hmm.
I could make one helluva flapjack
with that honey.
Yep, Cozy Kitchen makes a quality product,
I tell you what.
If it can survive an explosion
imagine how it will stand up
to the demands of the modern kitchen.
I'll take one.
Yeah, lemme have one of those bad boys.
Yeah, me, too. Do they come in other sizes? If I sell
my entire inventory today
will you please let me out of my contract?
No.
I'm never getting out, am I?
There might be one way.
If corporate thinks I died in the explosion, too.
Consider it done.
We need to settle this
whole identity theft issue once and for all.
Oh, God, a gun.
Die like a man, Gribble.
Die like a man.
Just sign these forms so I can get on with my life.
Okay.
You know, Judy,
you're going to need to disappear for a while.
I know the perfect hideaway,
a sunny two-bedroom in Arlen Heights.
Really?
Mm-hmm. Call me.
We'll set up a tour.
The view really is beautiful from up here.
CINDY: They have motorboats, peggy. TED: Motorboats!
Ripped By mstoll
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