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Thank God it's covered in warning labels
because this antifreeze looks delicious.
Peggy. Look.
Hank, we are not getting an HDTV.
They are too lifelike.
Luanne would be walking into it all the time.
No, it's Bobby. He's watching football.
He's too close to the screen.
Should I go?
No, don't disturb him.
...at first I thought Bobby was just standing in front of the TV
watching all the colors, but then...
he actually cheered.
Congratulations, Hank.
Now your life is finally perfect.
You guys should come over and watch the Cowboy game tomorrow.
I have to capitalize on this.
Otherwise, we'll be right back
to watching his troll doll performances.
Yeah, man, talkin' 'bout that ol'
dang ol' "Trolleo and Juliet," man.
That ol... Dang ol' awful, man.
Well, that was a great play, wasn't it, son?
Don't you think it was great?
Don't you just wanna watch football forever?
Be cool, Hank.
I'm cool. I'm cool.
Yeah, it was great.
Mr. Dauterive, will you pass me the chips?
Got dang it, Bill. Pass him the chips!
The bowl... it's empty!
We're out!
That's okay. That's okay.
We'll just go to the kitchen
and get more chips.
Bobby, you stay right here
and watch that game...
which you are enjoying.
Well, he seems interested.
We gotta close the deal, and get this kid to a real game, quick.
Yeah, man, we got a dang ol' Big 12 Championship
in dang ol'... over in Houston this year, man.
Texas/Nebraska. That's perfect!
A big game, a trip to the Rose Bowl at stake, an intense rivalry...
Bobby'll get a real sense of the hatred
that makes football so great.
Son, remember the day you found out
cakes could be made of ice cream?
Well, today is gonna be better.
Wow. This is gonna be some day.
Hank, I have mapped out a route to the game
that is the least likely to distract Bobby.
There are no amusement parks, malls, or magic shops.
If I missed something, use this.
It only buys you three minutes, so use it carefully.
Uncle Hank, Uncle Hank, I made you a mixed tape for the drive!
Do not accidentally play side B
or you will fall in love.
Here we are, Bobby.
Alamo Field.
So, this is football.
$25?! Where's the regular parking?
There is none.
Because everyone's a V.I.P. At Alamo Field.
Wow, look at all that cool stuff.
Hey, you want some souvenirs?
Let's get you some souvenirs.
We can redo your whole room in Longhorns if you want.
Ooh, wastebaskets!
Dale, you got the tickets?
Yep. One for you. You.
And you.
"Texas vs. Nebrasky"?
Dale, you idiot, you bought fake tickets!
Impossible.
Well-played, Octavio.
What are we gonna do?
Man, we're gonna have to go to a dang ol' scalper, man.
Scalper? Boomhauer, that's illegal.
I'll get the tickets.
Uh... hi.
My son just started liking football,
and I really need him to see this game in person.
You see, he normally like stroll dolls
and things that fly around, and...
Tickets are face value, plus a hundred.
A hundred?!
Uh, th-thanks for bringing me
those tickets I forgot, old friend!
I'm glad I was able to repay you
the money I owed you for an unrelated matter.
Aunt Peggy, why aren't you going to the game thing?
Mmm, let's just say that my style of cheering
is not consistent with the new stadium regulations.
You call that a coin toss?!
Aghh! I'm dizzy.
We're so high up because of those damn luxury boxes.
They're ruining football.
And possibly baseball, too,
but it's harder to tell.
Look, that box is empty!
What a waste. A real fan could be sitting in there.
Ah, that blimp scared me.
Dad, the birds flying below us are blocking my view of the game.
Do you think if I threw some popcorn
over there, they'd get out of the way?
Bill, throw your popcorn at the birds.
But it was $12!
Dad, I'm kinda thirsty. Can I go get a soda?
Sure, nothing like a cold drink at a great game.
Here's a ten...
Uh, better make that a 20.
The concession stand
can only make Bobby like football so much.
The Longhorns have to do their part.
God, they can't even tackle.
They can't even move the ball.
They can't even punt!
Well, I'm sure glad Bobby's not here to see this.
Yeah. Uh... wait!
Does Bobby know an oil tycoon or a Saudi prince?
'Cause he's sitting in a luxury box.
What?
Bobby?
Hey, Dad, check this out.
I can watch the game and support my lumbar at the same time!
Bobby, what are you doing? You can't be in here.
But you said real fans could be sitting here,
I'm a real fan.
Check out how close we are to the field!
You can smell the grass.
The ref just threw
some kinda hankie thing,
and Nebraska had to move back four or five lines.
Look, Bobby, I know it's nice, but we can't stay here.
We have to go.
Interception!
Th-These boxes are very expensive, Bobby.
Yeah, look at him run!
Run! Run!
Yeah, all right!
Well, I guess we have to go now.
Uh, yes, yes, we, we should go.
Go, Horns, go!
Go, Horns, go! Go, Horns, go!
Go, Horns, go!
Uh, maybe we should leave.
All right, another first down!
Huh, uh... maybe we shouldn't leave.
The Longhorns were doing terrible,
and the momentum shifted right when we got here.
We've got mojo on our side now.
What's mojo?
Mojo is a magical, fragile thing.
It's when you've pleased the god of football
and he decides to shine his glorious bounty upon your team.
If you anger him, he takes it away.
We got the mojo! The Longhorns have to win!
Oh, they have to! Oh, I hope with all my hope!
Me, too, Bobby. Me, too.
Hank!
We were worried sick. And our seats were awful.
Wow.
This place is fancy.
Free beer.
Free hot dogs!
Free drawer space!
Hey, throw me the ball!
Dang it, Dale. Knock it off!
If you guys keep acting like jackasses,
we'll get kicked out of here.
And if we get kicked out,
the momentum might shift back to Nebraska and then we lose.
And if we lose, Bobby'll hate football
and live an unfulfilling life.
And then he will die.
Man, Hank, you've really thought this through.
Hold onto your hats, folks.
The Longhorns are driving down the field!
I'm gonna watch the game unencumbered.
So long, jerk!
Dessert cart.
Uh, is Jake Middleton here? This is supposed to be his box.
Jake Middleton? The old Nebraska quarterback?
One of the greatest play-makers in the history of the game?
This is his box?
Um, yeah.
Yep, he's here. Hold on.
We're his family.
Ned Middleton, pleased to make your acquaintanceship.
Wh-Why are you wearing Texas clothes?
Irony.
Ol' Jake's out there with a kid from the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
And it's that kid's wish that they not be disturbed.
Oh, and it was also his wish
that we eat all the desserts and you bill it to Jake.
So leave the cart and be on your way.
Wrap him up, college boy!
Come on, do I need to show you how to tackle?
Huh? Huh?
I think they should fake
like they're gonna give it to the guy who runs,
but instead throw it to the guy who catches.
That's a play action pass to the tight end.
Bobby, you just earned yourself a beer.
Now I can't let you drink it,
but you can savor the aroma of mine.
Touchdown! Touchdown!
No, no, no, no. You can't stop smelling.
When I touched your shoulder and you sniffed the beer,
Texas took the lead.
You're right! But you're gonna hold this beer
under my nose the rest of the game?
I once watched the entire second half of a game
with a roll of tape on my head.
And that was just preseason.
This is for the Rose Bowl!
Oh...
Defense! Defense!
This smells like sick.
Just hold on for ten more seconds.
Down! Set!
Hut!
Whoa, Nelly!
The Nebraska coach is knocked out cold.
Assistant Coach Will Benton is going to have to step up.
Doesn't look like he's ready for the job.
I think he's crying.
If we hold 'em for one more down,
we're going to the championship.
This is interesting.
Hey, man, dang ol' not it, man. Not it!
Not it.
Too close to call.
Fine, I'll do it.
If things go south,
I can always pretend I'm a fax machine.
Hello?
Hold, please.
Uh, Hank, you got a call.
Who the heckis calling me here?
It's the assistant coach for Nebraska. What?
And you're Jake Middleton. This is his luxury box.
Good luck.
Uh... hello?
Oh, God, Jake... Jake, I need a play.
I-I-I-I don't know what to do.
The fans'll kill me.
And they'll do it with tractors and farm machinery.
Uh, um...
Give me a minute.
Nebraska wants Jake Middleton to call a play.
Wingo!
Just think of the dumbest play you can and the Longhorns win.
Yeah. Do it, Hank.
Win it for the Longhorns!
I can't give a fake play. It's dishonest.
It might even be illegal.
Hank's right.
We could get in trouble. Don't do it. It's wrong.
Then again, I'm not sure if helping Texas is ever wrong.
It isn't! God bless Texas!
Do you knowhow many laws you've broken today
trying to get your son to like football?
Go, Horns, go! Go, Horns, go!
Uh, yes, this is Jake Middleton.
Okay, here's what you, uh, we should do.
Have the quarterback pitch the ball to the halfback,
who will quick-kickit to the coffin corner.
A quick kick?
But we'd just be turning the ball over.
Well, uh, that's why it's a good play.
Uh, Texas will never be expecting it.
Well, yeah. It's stupid.
Hey, you called me.
If you didn't want Jake Middleton to give you the play,
you shouldn't have called Jake Middleton.
Yes, sir.
It's done.
Dad, they're setting up!
Defense! Defense!
This is exciting!
Hank, you should really come in here and see this.
And it's desperation time...
Six fifty-nine! Six fifty-nine! Hut! Hut!
He takes the snap...
A quick kick?!
The Longhorns look confused, they scramble...
All Texas has to do is let the ball roll dead
and it's lights out!
Holy Moses! That's a live ball!
Nebraska wins! Nebraska wins!
No!
Dad... why did this happen?
Hank!
Hello, Hank? Hank!
Wha... uh, what happened?
We won, right?
We're, we're going to the Rose Bowl, right?
We cheered.
Snap out of it! We lost!
Well, you lost.
Oh, no.
We were so close.
Is it okay that I feel like I don't want to live anymore?
Yes, Bobby, that's normal.
Why?! Why, why me?!
Why? I am a good person.
When charities send me free address labels,
I don't use them.
Why?!
Coach, congratulations.
That quick kick was a stroke of genius.
Well, I have to give credit to Jake Middleton.
The man who called that play.
What?
I didn't call any play.
My plane was late. I just got here.
Really? No wonder it didn't make any sense.
Well, whoever it was in that box won the game for Nebraska!
Oh, my God!
Okay, they just caught a glimpse of me.
They can't identify you if they just catch a glimpse.
Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster, Jack Ruby.
Caught and stuffed, every one.
When all those Texas fans find us,
they're gonna tear us limb from limb...
from limb!
We gotta get out of here fast,
but we can't let Bobby know what's going on.
Seeing us get our asses kicked
will turn Bobby off football forever.
I found some more of the mini-eclairs,
so I'm starting to settle down.
What's everybody doing on the ground?
Uh, it's a tradition.
We're, uh, pretending we're longhorns.
You know, grazing after a hard-fought game.
That sounds like fun.
Moo!
After the graze, we do what is called a Longhorn stampede.
We race out of the stadium to the car as fast as we can.
Okay, ready, set, stampede!
Wait, I don't have my belt or my shoes.
Don't leave me!
All we have to do is get down the escalator and then we'll...
Oh, no!
It's our waiter!
I totally could identify the guy that called that play,
not that anyone's asking me.
Quick, this way.
We made it!
We're free!
I need to hit something!
Someone give me a reason to hurt somebody.
Violence is the answer.
We're in the lion's den, Hank.
I must tell you, there's a good chance
I will betray you before the day is through.
Ah! Let's just stay together and make our way to the van.
Quietly.
I'd feel safer if my pants could stay up.
I heard that guy who called that play
was a Nebraska fan,
who kidnapped a Texas fan and stole his jersey.
I heard they raised a Nebraska baby in Texas,
so it could move between groups undetected.
He was wearing one of those old school jerseys.
Like that one!
Oh, Lord.
Get him!
Dad, what are they doing to that guy?
Uh, it's another tradition, Bobby.
A little post-game roughhousing,
like puppies do.
Yup, there's the... the biting.
Hey, man, you got dang, like that,
take off that dang ol' jersey, man.
But, Dad, these are Nebraska T-shirts.
Well, that's right, Bobby.
That's what, uh, football Sportsmanship.
That's a sign of goodwill.
Yay, Huskers.
Get in! Get in! Get in!
Let's get out of here!
S'go! S'go!
S'go!
Hey, someone's leaving.
All right, here we go.
Okay, the baby's in, time to go.
And... now we go.
Would you just get in the got dang car and move!
Are you talking to me?
Yeah, we're talking to you!
You're the one blocking the street.
Come on. Move!
We don't take that from a Nebraska fan!
It can get all kinda crazy up in here if you want.
There's an opening. Go! Go!
No one's letting me in.
What are we gonna do?
Go, Big Red! Go, Big Red! Go, Big Red!
Come on, buddy. Join the convoy!
Go, Big Red!
Just go, Dale.
Sorry about the game, Bobby.
All football games aren't like that.
They're not?
No, I promise they're not.
That's too bad.
But some are, right?
All the running and yelling and stuff.
And we can go again, can't we?
We sure can.
The Longhorns may not be going to the Rose Bowl
but they might go to the Gator Bowl
or the Peach Bowl
or, heaven forbid, the Pacific Life Holiday Bowl.
If we're going all the way to Nebraska,
I'm gonna need a pit stop.
Excuse me. We're looking to buy a new TV.
Our old one gave out.
Psst-psst.
Here, kitty-kitty.
Come here, kitty.
Do you mind if I open this window
and let this kitty in?
And I think we need one
with a little less definition.
Wrap him up, college boy!
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