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Boy, I never thought I'd do this again.
Each time you buy a wheelbarrow,
you tell yourself it's the last time.
Is it 5:00 already?!
I should be getting home. I have plans.
Evening plans. For tonight.
We all do, Bill.
We're watching Hank use his wheelbarrow.
Yep, I gotta shower up before dinner.
The dinner I'm having with a guest.
A female guest.
Should I order oysters,
or is that too forward?
Somebody ask me about my plans! I have a date!
A date? Well all right, that's something.
Where'd you two meet?
Oh, I haven't met her yet, but Sergeant Dawson,
who set us up, said she's absolutely perfect for me.
A woman who is perfect for Bill?
That's a disturbing image.
Huh. John Redcorn doesn't work here.
Oh, he works here, all right.
If by 'Work here," you mean having casual sex.
Excuse me, Bill?
Bill Dauterive?
Wow.
So, Charlene, I understand you're new to town?
Actually, I lived in Arlen during my 20s,
but I moved around a lot and haven't been back until now.
I don't know what we did without you.
I'm thrilled to be back,
and I think my kids should be happy here.
You have kids?
Wow.
Charlene's smart, beautiful, and she has kids!
How did I get so lucky?
You got lucky because she has kids.
You can get quite a bargain
if you're willing to date a single mom.
Yeah, man, talkin' 'bout dang ol'
like slightly used merchandise, man.
I'll paint their rooms like different fairy tales.
And every night at bedtime, I'll wander in
like a different creature from the forest.
I have 85 channels at home,
and none of them beats watching Hank use a crescent wrench.
Hi. I'm looking for 122 Milton Street.
Why? That's Bill's house.
Uh, Bill's place is just across the alley.
So, you must be Charlene.
Yes, and these are my kids, Kate and Drew.
Wow, what a beautiful lawn.
It looks just like a golf course.
Well, thank you, Kate.
Hey, man. How ya doin', lil' ol', lil' ol' shaver?
Talkie' bout got your nose.
Pardon me, sir, I'm ten.
Um, hi.
Afternoon...
Kate!
Boy, what nice kids.
And that Charlene's a real beauty.
I don't like her.
How could you not like her? Charlene seems great.
I'm talking about the weird one... Kate.
Didn't you see it?
See what?
The contours of her face,
the hazel deadness in her eyes.
Something is severely un-right With that child.
Potential pod-person.
Probable robot.
Possible pod-bot.
Dale, those kids were perfectly fine. They...
Hank, you'd cozy up to Mussolini if he liked your lawn.
That girl is not one of us, and I intend to prove it.
Dang", no you wot".
Bill was lucky enough to meet a nice girl,
and you're not gonna mess it up.
My gut Says...
Ignore your gut.
Just let it go and be happy for Bill.
My weird hunches are wrong.
I will ignore my gut and be happy for Bill.
I will ignore my gut and...
I don't trust you.
Hey, who wants to play a game?
We're already playing a game.
This one's better.
It's called 'Who Can Pluck the Longest Hair From Their Head?"
Kate, you first.
Uh, I don't think...
You don't have to!
Ow! Hey!
You're the winner!
I didn't get a turn.
This is so great.
It's like I got married at 30 and my wife never left me!
Yep, heh-heh. A lazy afternoon.
Just the Hill family and the Dauterive clan.
And Joseph.
Wow, Kate, you sure are good with a grenade launcher.
I like hand grenades
because you can shove them in people's mouths
and watch their intestines blow out.
So... Bill Dauterive.
How shall I say this?
Peggy, in my younger days, a set of muscular arms
and a bad attitude were all I needed in a man.
But as I've matured, I've realized
a sweet, stable guy is a far better catch.
I see.
So you're attracted to the muscular arms inside Bill?
Something like that.
And the fifth best thing about kids
is the sound of their laughter.
I was right!
I knew there was something weird about Kate.
Kate? Dangit, Dale, you said you were gonna drop this.
And I would have, had her DNA test
not yielded such amazing results.
DNA lest?!
The printout of her genetic markers was oddly familiar,
so I compared her results with another set in my collection
and found a point-by-point match to precisely one-half
the DNA sequence of the second Joseph.
What are you...?
Joseph and Kate share paternal DNA.
They have the same father.
Oh, God. Dale...
So this means...
Precisely.
Kate is my daughter.
Huh?
How could Kate be your daughter?
As you may recall, I learned some time ago
that Joseph was conceived while I was away from Nancy,
an anomaly that can only be explained by alien gene traders
covertly planting my DNA into my sleeping wife.
Uh... right...
After impregnating Nancy, the aliens must have then left
my genetic material with Charlene in the hopes
of engineering a master race, with me as the foundation.
The "how" is simple enough.
It's the "Why" that troubles me.
Uh, well, Dale, aliens are an unpredictable bunch,
so, uh, I think your best bet is to do nothing.
Yep. Nothing.
So all the while that Nancy was cheating on Dale with John Redcorn,
John Redcorn was cheating on Nancy with Charlene?
And he's the father of Joseph and Kate,
while Dale thinks Joseph and Kate are his?
Pretty much.
Oh, my God.
This is like sitting poolside at freakin' Melrose Place!
The only question is who to call first!
Now hold on, Peggy, let's not rock the boat.
Bill has a girlfriend.
Hank, I cannot keep this to myself!
I have to tell...
Oh, I can't tell Nancy. Or Charlene.
And you probably shouldn't tell Bill. Or Dale.
And God knows Boomhauer can't keep a secret.
We can't tell anyone.
Yep. There's not a thing we can do.
Bobby, why are you not outside with Kate and Joseph!?
They're getting way too chummy.
It's like they only want to hang out with each other.
Are you gonna let yourself get squeezed out?
No friend? No girlfriend?
Is that what you want?
No.
Then get out there and fight for your spot!
Third musketeer! Go, go, go!
This is how you throw a spiral.
Hey, throw to me! I'm open!
Aliens!
I know your rubbery, glowing hands are in this, but why?!
I need to take this investigation
to the front lines.
Look who it is!
What brings you to my favorite restaurant
that I never talk about?
Oh, hey, Dale.
We're just sitting down for a family meal.
Why don't you join us?
Well... well, maybe for just a minute.
Good choice on the mashed potatoes, Kate.
Tasty, and a fun place to sculpt your subconscious thoughts.
Mm-hmm...
Eh... hmm...
Don't know what to do with that.
Nancy, quick question about the night Joseph was conceived:
When the aliens teleported here to impregnate you with my DNA,
do you remember anything unusual?
Excuse me?
It seems I have another child.
I ran a DNA test on the daughter of Bill's girlfriend
and found out she and Joseph have the same father.
I'm sorry.
Did you say Joseph and this girl have the same father?
Not only that, but they were born just a few clays apart.
Yep, I guess you and Charlene were visited by the same aliens.
In the same week.
Maybe the same day.
I need to make a call.
But I never even met a Charlene!
Oh! '
You're home early.
John Redcorn. Good to see you.
Did Nancy tell you about Joseph's sister,
i.e., my daughter?
Yes. But there must be some mistake.
That's not what the DNA says!
Well, it's wrong!
I never... I mean, Dale never cheated on you.
Of course not. The aliens...
Never, John Redcorn?
You're saying Dale didn't cheat on me even once?!
I'm not sure why John Redcorn would have that information,
but, no, I...
Okay... maybe there were isolated incidents!
But Dale always took precautions!
So now it's "incidents"?
Nancy, please!
It's... it's very complex.
Huh!
John Redcorn is right, the alien plan is far too complex!
I guess we should follow Hank's advice and do nothing.
I feel better already.
Uh, Hank, you were right.
It feels good not trying
to figure out this whole alien thing.
Yep, and it's better if you don't even talk about it.
Yep. It's back to a mundane life of drinking beer
and helping my jackass friends shop for wheelbarrows.
Guys!
I have great news!
I asked Charlene and the kids to move in with me...
and they said yes!
What? Wow, way to go, Bill.
Mmm. I'm having a big party tomorrow to welcome them.
See you then!
No, nu-uh, no way!
Alien masterplans are one thing,
but this I cannot accept!
Bill Dauterive will not raise my daughter.
If you have some idea of what we should be doing, I'm listening.
All right, then.
Kahn, Minh, so glad you could be here to share our joy.
We wouldn't miss it for the world!
We so happy for you!
Now where that bastard child Peggy Hill tell you about?
You do it.
No, I want you to do it.
Let's do it together.
Smashin' ant hills, huh?
Gosh, we all have so much fun together.
So Charlene's moving in, huh?
Have you told her all about your idiosyncrasies,
like your fear of floss,
or how you use your loofah for non-loofah purposes?
Charlene loves me for who I am.
She told me so last night.
Charlene, congratulations.
Say, have you seen the 1987 film The Stepfather;
where a seemingly loving man cozies up to a single mother
only to go nuts and kill everyone?
It stars the bald guy from Lost.
John Redcorn? Is that you?
Dale.
You must be wondering why I'm hiding behind this bush.
No, I just figured there was a cool Indian reason.
Is there a cool Indian reason?
Yes.
But I also wanted to see Joseph's sister.
And her mother.
That's Charlene.
Candi?
Sorry, I don't have any.
You know, the mothers of my children are pretty hot.
The aliens seem partial to pouty lips and an ample bosom.
Yes. Yes, they do.
Well, I'm leaving.
Couldn't even turn a woman off Bill... how's that for sad?
I wish I had a debonair ladies' man to seduce her.
Too bad Boomhauer finds motherhood disgusting.
Well, see ya later, John...
Redcorn! Of course!
I'm sorry?
John Redcorn, I bet you could romance a woman
out of a relationship with a giant doofus!
Dale, are you asking me to steal your friend's companion?
I don't want my child raised by an idiot!
Yes. It's very difficult to watch an idiot raise your child.
Then join me, and together, we can strike down
this perverse and unholy union!
There's some sex in it for ya.
Very well. I will help.
Wing"!
The sex will be with Charlene.
You got that part, right?
Bill, the kids already like you.
You don't need to buy all this junk food to win them over.
Ye... Yeah, yes. Kids.
Hmm, that's just what I was doing.
Bill! What a relief.
I dropped my keys in the back of the meat freezer
and I need someone well insulated
to fish them out for me.
I'm kinda the go-to guy for stuff like this.
I'll be right back.
John Redcorn.
Hello, Candi. It's been a long time.
Yes, it has.
I haven't gone by my stage name in years.
It's Charlene now.
Your name may have changed, but your incredible beauty
has not.
So, Bill, hows life as a not-entirely legal guardian?
O-Oh, great. Just-just great.
A little tiring, but so worth it.
I've had a lot of quality time with the kids
since Charlene hooked up with her old girlfriends.
Oh, yeah?
Nice buncha gals, are they?
I haven't met them, but they seem fun...
They've kept Charlene out late every night this week.
Just remembered a funny sniglet.
Bill, honey!
I'm meeting the girls for lunch.
Can you come back to the house?
Well, gotta go watch the kids.
Good times.
Hey, partner!
Just wanted to get a status report.
Phase one, infiltration,
seems to have been accomplished. Repeatedly.
When do we get to phase two, Charlene breaking up with Bill?
Dale, romancing a woman out of a relationship
requires much energy.
Okay, but let's not drag it out.
I'd like to shatter Bill's happiness
in a way that doesn't leave him all mopey.
So, going out to meet the girls, huh? Again?
I'm sorry.
It's just that seeing the girls after all this time
has brought back some fond memories.
Do you want me to cancel so I can watch the kids?
No, no, ha-have a good time with your girlfriends.
I was gonna take the kids to Captain Bear's Pizza.
Let 'em crawl all over someone else's furniture for a change.
Oh, Bill, you're so good with Kate and Drew.
They have so much fun with you.
Yeah, I do with them, too.
They're... They're just a big bundle of...
I'll get the fire extinguisher!
Was that... John Redcorn?
I know!
How long does it take to steal a woman from Bill?
Perhaps I should explain.
Um, you see, I've recruited John Redcorn to seduce Charlene.
Soon my daughter will be out of that screw-up Bill's house
and back in the healthy em brace of a single-parent family.
You asked John Redcorn to break up Bill and Charlene?
Ah, dangit, I tried not to get involved, but this tears it.
Let's go.
Bill, Dale's got something to tell you.
Hey, Bill. What's going on?
Oh, just hanging laundry.
Kids sure do like playing with mustard.
Mustard. Heh.
That's kids for ya.
Bill... I have a confession.
Charlene hasn't been out with her girlfriends
the past two weeks.
She's been with John Redcorn.
J-J-John Redcorn? How do you...
I set it up.
Charlene and John Redcorn... are having an affair.
Not in the face!
You did hear him, right, Bill?
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I-I just went a little nuts
when I found out you'd be raising my daughter.
What's that now?
Uh, Dale tested Kate's DNA and, uh,
she and Joseph have the same father.
Joseph and Kate have the same father.
You.
Charlene and John Redcorn, huh?
They seem like a good couple.
So you're not filled with rage?
Actually, I feel... okay.
I don't think I'm cut out for parenthood.
Actually, I hate kids!
I mean, not all kids,
but just, just the ones that are around all the time.
Dangit, Bill Cosby made it look fun and I fell for it.
We all fell for it.
Plus, I had a woman stolen by John Redcorn.
That's kind of an honor.
We should all be so lucky.
So Charlene and the kids are moving in with John Redcorn.
Sure was nice of Redcorn
to agree to raise my child for me.
Can't say I'd do the same.
She was like... the other half of my soul.
And now she's gone.
This must be what those songs
by the chick with the boobs were about.
I know it hurts, buddy.
But on the bright side, you still got me!
Yeah. Thanks.
She had a lot of eyebrows for a chick, anyway.
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