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Boy, I never thought I'd do this again.
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Each time you buy a wheelbarrow,
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you tell yourself it's the last time.
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Is it 5:00 already?!
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I should be getting home. I have plans.
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Evening plans. For tonight.
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We all do, Bill.
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We're watching Hank use his wheelbarrow.
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Yep, I gotta shower up before dinner.
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The dinner I'm having with a guest.
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A female guest.
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Should I order oysters,
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or is that too forward?
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Somebody ask me about my plans! I have a date!
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A date? Well all right, that's something.
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Where'd you two meet?
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Oh, I haven't met her yet, but Sergeant Dawson,
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who set us up, said she's absolutely perfect for me.
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A woman who is perfect for Bill?
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That's a disturbing image.
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Huh. John Redcorn doesn't work here.
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Oh, he works here, all right.
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If by 'Work here," you mean having casual sex.
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Excuse me, Bill?
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Bill Dauterive?
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Wow.
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So, Charlene, I understand you're new to town?
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Actually, I lived in Arlen during my 20s,
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but I moved around a lot and haven't been back until now.
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I don't know what we did without you.
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I'm thrilled to be back,
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and I think my kids should be happy here.
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You have kids?
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Wow.
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Charlene's smart, beautiful, and she has kids!
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How did I get so lucky?
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You got lucky because she has kids.
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You can get quite a bargain
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if you're willing to date a single mom.
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Yeah, man, talkin' 'bout dang ol'
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like slightly used merchandise, man.
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I'll paint their rooms like different fairy tales.
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And every night at bedtime, I'll wander in
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like a different creature from the forest.
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I have 85 channels at home,
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and none of them beats watching Hank use a crescent wrench.
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Hi. I'm looking for 122 Milton Street.
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Why? That's Bill's house.
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Uh, Bill's place is just across the alley.
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So, you must be Charlene.
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Yes, and these are my kids, Kate and Drew.
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Wow, what a beautiful lawn.
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It looks just like a golf course.
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Well, thank you, Kate.
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Hey, man. How ya doin', lil' ol', lil' ol' shaver?
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Talkie' bout got your nose.
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Pardon me, sir, I'm ten.
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Um, hi.
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Afternoon...
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Kate!
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Boy, what nice kids.
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And that Charlene's a real beauty.
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I don't like her.
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How could you not like her? Charlene seems great.
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I'm talking about the weird one... Kate.
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Didn't you see it?
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See what?
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The contours of her face,
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the hazel deadness in her eyes.
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Something is severely un-right With that child.
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Potential pod-person.
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Probable robot.
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Possible pod-bot.
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Dale, those kids were perfectly fine. They...
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Hank, you'd cozy up to Mussolini if he liked your lawn.
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That girl is not one of us, and I intend to prove it.
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Dang", no you wot".
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Bill was lucky enough to meet a nice girl,
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and you're not gonna mess it up.
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My gut Says...
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Ignore your gut.
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Just let it go and be happy for Bill.
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My weird hunches are wrong.
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I will ignore my gut and be happy for Bill.
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I will ignore my gut and...
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I don't trust you.
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Hey, who wants to play a game?
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We're already playing a game.
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This one's better.
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It's called 'Who Can Pluck the Longest Hair From Their Head?"
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Kate, you first.
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Uh, I don't think...
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You don't have to!
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Ow! Hey!
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You're the winner!
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I didn't get a turn.
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This is so great.
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It's like I got married at 30 and my wife never left me!
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Yep, heh-heh. A lazy afternoon.
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Just the Hill family and the Dauterive clan.
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And Joseph.
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Wow, Kate, you sure are good with a grenade launcher.
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I like hand grenades
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because you can shove them in people's mouths
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and watch their intestines blow out.
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So... Bill Dauterive.
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How shall I say this?
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Peggy, in my younger days, a set of muscular arms
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and a bad attitude were all I needed in a man.
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But as I've matured, I've realized
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a sweet, stable guy is a far better catch.
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I see.
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So you're attracted to the muscular arms inside Bill?
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Something like that.
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And the fifth best thing about kids
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is the sound of their laughter.
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I was right!
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I knew there was something weird about Kate.
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Kate? Dangit, Dale, you said you were gonna drop this.
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And I would have, had her DNA test
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not yielded such amazing results.
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DNA lest?!
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The printout of her genetic markers was oddly familiar,
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so I compared her results with another set in my collection
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and found a point-by-point match to precisely one-half
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the DNA sequence of the second Joseph.
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What are you...?
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Joseph and Kate share paternal DNA.
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They have the same father.
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Oh, God. Dale...
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So this means...
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Precisely.
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Kate is my daughter.
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Huh?
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How could Kate be your daughter?
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As you may recall, I learned some time ago
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that Joseph was conceived while I was away from Nancy,
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an anomaly that can only be explained by alien gene traders
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covertly planting my DNA into my sleeping wife.
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Uh... right...
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After impregnating Nancy, the aliens must have then left
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my genetic material with Charlene in the hopes
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of engineering a master race, with me as the foundation.
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The "how" is simple enough.
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It's the "Why" that troubles me.
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Uh, well, Dale, aliens are an unpredictable bunch,
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so, uh, I think your best bet is to do nothing.
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Yep. Nothing.
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So all the while that Nancy was
cheating on Dale with John Redcorn,
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John Redcorn was cheating on Nancy with Charlene?
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And he's the father of Joseph and Kate,
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while Dale thinks Joseph and Kate are his?
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Pretty much.
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Oh, my God.
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This is like sitting poolside at freakin' Melrose Place!
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The only question is who to call first!
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Now hold on, Peggy, let's not rock the boat.
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Bill has a girlfriend.
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Hank, I cannot keep this to myself!
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I have to tell...
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Oh, I can't tell Nancy. Or Charlene.
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And you probably shouldn't tell Bill. Or Dale.
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And God knows Boomhauer can't keep a secret.
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We can't tell anyone.
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Yep. There's not a thing we can do.
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Bobby, why are you not outside with Kate and Joseph!?
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They're getting way too chummy.
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It's like they only want to hang out with each other.
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Are you gonna let yourself get squeezed out?
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No friend? No girlfriend?
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Is that what you want?
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No.
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Then get out there and fight for your spot!
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Third musketeer! Go, go, go!
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This is how you throw a spiral.
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Hey, throw to me! I'm open!
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Aliens!
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I know your rubbery, glowing hands are in this, but why?!
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I need to take this investigation
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to the front lines.
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Look who it is!
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What brings you to my favorite restaurant
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that I never talk about?
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Oh, hey, Dale.
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We're just sitting down for a family meal.
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Why don't you join us?
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Well... well, maybe for just a minute.
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Good choice on the mashed potatoes, Kate.
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Tasty, and a fun place to sculpt your subconscious thoughts.
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Mm-hmm...
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Eh... hmm...
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Don't know what to do with that.
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Nancy, quick question about the night Joseph was conceived:
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When the aliens teleported here to impregnate you with my DNA,
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do you remember anything unusual?
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Excuse me?
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It seems I have another child.
199
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I ran a DNA test on the daughter of Bill's girlfriend
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and found out she and Joseph have the same father.
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I'm sorry.
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Did you say Joseph and this girl have the same father?
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Not only that, but they were born just a few clays apart.
204
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Yep, I guess you and Charlene were visited by the same aliens.
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In the same week.
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Maybe the same day.
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I need to make a call.
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But I never even met a Charlene!
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Oh! '
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You're home early.
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John Redcorn. Good to see you.
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Did Nancy tell you about Joseph's sister,
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i.e., my daughter?
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Yes. But there must be some mistake.
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That's not what the DNA says!
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Well, it's wrong!
217
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I never... I mean, Dale never cheated on you.
218
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Of course not. The aliens...
219
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Never, John Redcorn?
220
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You're saying Dale didn't cheat on me even once?!
221
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I'm not sure why John Redcorn would have that information,
222
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but, no, I...
223
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Okay... maybe there were isolated incidents!
224
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But Dale always took precautions!
225
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So now it's "incidents"?
226
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Nancy, please!
227
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It's... it's very complex.
228
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Huh!
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John Redcorn is right, the alien plan is far too complex!
230
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I guess we should follow Hank's advice and do nothing.
231
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I feel better already.
232
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Uh, Hank, you were right.
233
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It feels good not trying
234
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to figure out this whole alien thing.
235
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Yep, and it's better if you don't even talk about it.
236
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Yep. It's back to a mundane life of drinking beer
237
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and helping my jackass friends shop for wheelbarrows.
238
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Guys!
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I have great news!
240
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I asked Charlene and the kids to move in with me...
241
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and they said yes!
242
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What? Wow, way to go, Bill.
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Mmm. I'm having a big party tomorrow to welcome them.
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See you then!
245
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No, nu-uh, no way!
246
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Alien masterplans are one thing,
247
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but this I cannot accept!
248
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Bill Dauterive will not raise my daughter.
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If you have some idea of what we should be doing, I'm listening.
250
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All right, then.
251
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Kahn, Minh, so glad you could be here to share our joy.
252
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We wouldn't miss it for the world!
253
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We so happy for you!
254
00:13:22,835 --> 00:13:25,315
Now where that bastard child Peggy Hill tell you about?
255
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You do it.
256
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No, I want you to do it.
257
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Let's do it together.
258
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Smashin' ant hills, huh?
259
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Gosh, we all have so much fun together.
260
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So Charlene's moving in, huh?
261
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Have you told her all about your idiosyncrasies,
262
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like your fear of floss,
263
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or how you use your loofah for non-loofah purposes?
264
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Charlene loves me for who I am.
265
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She told me so last night.
266
00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:05,512
Charlene, congratulations.
267
00:14:05,644 --> 00:14:09,387
Say, have you seen the 1987 film The Stepfather;
268
00:14:09,548 --> 00:14:12,085
where a seemingly loving man cozies up to a single mother
269
00:14:12,218 --> 00:14:14,198
only to go nuts and kill everyone?
270
00:14:14,386 --> 00:14:15,797
It stars the bald guy from Lost.
271
00:14:26,465 --> 00:14:27,808
John Redcorn? Is that you?
272
00:14:27,933 --> 00:14:29,344
Dale.
273
00:14:29,501 --> 00:14:31,913
You must be wondering why I'm hiding behind this bush.
274
00:14:32,037 --> 00:14:35,018
No, I just figured there was a cool Indian reason.
275
00:14:35,174 --> 00:14:36,619
Is there a cool Indian reason?
276
00:14:36,775 --> 00:14:38,584
Yes.
277
00:14:38,744 --> 00:14:40,724
But I also wanted to see Joseph's sister.
278
00:14:40,846 --> 00:14:41,950
And her mother.
279
00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:43,992
That's Charlene.
280
00:14:44,116 --> 00:14:46,027
Candi?
281
00:14:46,185 --> 00:14:47,664
Sorry, I don't have any.
282
00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:50,994
You know, the mothers of my children are pretty hot.
283
00:14:51,123 --> 00:14:54,696
The aliens seem partial to pouty lips and an ample bosom.
284
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:56,532
Yes. Yes, they do.
285
00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:58,299
Well, I'm leaving.
286
00:14:58,497 --> 00:15:01,000
Couldn't even turn a woman off Bill... how's that for sad?
287
00:15:01,166 --> 00:15:04,079
I wish I had a debonair ladies' man to seduce her.
288
00:15:04,203 --> 00:15:06,945
Too bad Boomhauer finds motherhood disgusting.
289
00:15:07,072 --> 00:15:08,915
Well, see ya later, John...
290
00:15:09,041 --> 00:15:10,782
Redcorn! Of course!
291
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:12,184
I'm sorry?
292
00:15:12,311 --> 00:15:14,655
John Redcorn, I bet you could romance a woman
293
00:15:14,813 --> 00:15:17,487
out of a relationship with a giant doofus!
294
00:15:17,650 --> 00:15:20,995
Dale, are you asking me to steal your friend's companion?
295
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:23,862
I don't want my child raised by an idiot!
296
00:15:23,989 --> 00:15:27,630
Yes. It's very difficult to watch an idiot raise your child.
297
00:15:27,793 --> 00:15:29,773
Then join me, and together, we can strike down
298
00:15:29,962 --> 00:15:32,067
this perverse and unholy union!
299
00:15:32,231 --> 00:15:34,142
There's some sex in it for ya.
300
00:15:39,972 --> 00:15:41,952
Very well. I will help.
301
00:15:42,074 --> 00:15:43,485
Wing"!
302
00:15:43,642 --> 00:15:45,246
The sex will be with Charlene.
303
00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:46,616
You got that part, right?
304
00:15:54,586 --> 00:15:56,759
Bill, the kids already like you.
305
00:15:56,922 --> 00:15:59,232
You don't need to buy all this junk food to win them over.
306
00:15:59,358 --> 00:16:02,396
Ye... Yeah, yes. Kids.
307
00:16:02,594 --> 00:16:04,096
Hmm, that's just what I was doing.
308
00:16:04,263 --> 00:16:06,766
Bill! What a relief.
309
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:09,071
I dropped my keys in the back of the meat freezer
310
00:16:09,234 --> 00:16:10,440
and I need someone well insulated
311
00:16:10,602 --> 00:16:12,240
to fish them out for me.
312
00:16:12,404 --> 00:16:14,907
I'm kinda the go-to guy for stuff like this.
313
00:16:15,074 --> 00:16:16,052
I'll be right back.
314
00:16:20,346 --> 00:16:21,689
John Redcorn.
315
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:24,658
Hello, Candi. It's been a long time.
316
00:16:24,783 --> 00:16:26,285
Yes, it has.
317
00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:28,158
I haven't gone by my stage name in years.
318
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:29,697
It's Charlene now.
319
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:32,803
Your name may have changed, but your incredible beauty
320
00:16:32,958 --> 00:16:33,959
has not.
321
00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:40,375
So, Bill, hows life as a not-entirely legal guardian?
322
00:16:40,532 --> 00:16:42,534
O-Oh, great. Just-just great.
323
00:16:42,701 --> 00:16:45,238
A little tiring, but so worth it.
324
00:16:45,371 --> 00:16:47,282
I've had a lot of quality time with the kids
325
00:16:47,439 --> 00:16:49,817
since Charlene hooked up with her old girlfriends.
326
00:16:50,909 --> 00:16:51,819
Oh, yeah?
327
00:16:51,944 --> 00:16:53,252
Nice buncha gals, are they?
328
00:16:53,379 --> 00:16:55,359
I haven't met them, but they seem fun...
329
00:16:55,547 --> 00:16:58,050
They've kept Charlene out late every night this week.
330
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:02,931
Just remembered a funny sniglet.
331
00:17:03,055 --> 00:17:04,159
Bill, honey!
332
00:17:04,289 --> 00:17:05,290
I'm meeting the girls for lunch.
333
00:17:05,424 --> 00:17:07,131
Can you come back to the house?
334
00:17:07,292 --> 00:17:10,034
Well, gotta go watch the kids.
335
00:17:10,229 --> 00:17:11,833
Good times.
336
00:17:24,376 --> 00:17:26,287
Hey, partner!
337
00:17:26,412 --> 00:17:29,086
Just wanted to get a status report.
338
00:17:29,214 --> 00:17:30,750
Phase one, infiltration,
339
00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:33,762
seems to have been accomplished. Repeatedly.
340
00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:36,765
When do we get to phase two, Charlene breaking up with Bill?
341
00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:39,768
Dale, romancing a woman out of a relationship
342
00:17:39,925 --> 00:17:41,666
requires much energy.
343
00:17:41,860 --> 00:17:43,362
Okay, but let's not drag it out.
344
00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:44,768
I'd like to shatter Bill's happiness
345
00:17:44,930 --> 00:17:46,967
in a way that doesn't leave him all mopey.
346
00:17:49,835 --> 00:17:52,111
So, going out to meet the girls, huh? Again?
347
00:17:52,237 --> 00:17:53,580
I'm sorry.
348
00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:55,719
It's just that seeing the girls after all this time
349
00:17:55,841 --> 00:17:58,185
has brought back some fond memories.
350
00:17:58,343 --> 00:18:00,823
Do you want me to cancel so I can watch the kids?
351
00:18:00,979 --> 00:18:03,858
No, no, ha-have a good time with your girlfriends.
352
00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:07,361
I was gonna take the kids to Captain Bear's Pizza.
353
00:18:07,486 --> 00:18:10,626
Let 'em crawl all over someone else's furniture for a change.
354
00:18:10,756 --> 00:18:13,566
Oh, Bill, you're so good with Kate and Drew.
355
00:18:13,725 --> 00:18:15,170
They have so much fun with you.
356
00:18:15,327 --> 00:18:16,863
Yeah, I do with them, too.
357
00:18:17,029 --> 00:18:19,373
They're... They're just a big bundle of...
358
00:18:19,531 --> 00:18:21,067
I'll get the fire extinguisher!
359
00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:33,351
Was that... John Redcorn?
360
00:18:33,479 --> 00:18:34,981
I know!
361
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:37,060
How long does it take to steal a woman from Bill?
362
00:18:39,418 --> 00:18:41,762
Perhaps I should explain.
363
00:18:41,887 --> 00:18:45,528
Um, you see, I've recruited John Redcorn to seduce Charlene.
364
00:18:45,691 --> 00:18:49,036
Soon my daughter will be out of that screw-up Bill's house
365
00:18:49,194 --> 00:18:52,767
and back in the healthy em brace of a single-parent family.
366
00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:56,606
You asked John Redcorn to break up Bill and Charlene?
367
00:18:56,768 --> 00:19:00,181
Ah, dangit, I tried not to get involved, but this tears it.
368
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:01,875
Let's go.
369
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:04,816
Bill, Dale's got something to tell you.
370
00:19:04,943 --> 00:19:07,685
Hey, Bill. What's going on?
371
00:19:07,846 --> 00:19:09,723
Oh, just hanging laundry.
372
00:19:09,882 --> 00:19:11,987
Kids sure do like playing with mustard.
373
00:19:12,117 --> 00:19:13,391
Mustard. Heh.
374
00:19:13,519 --> 00:19:14,896
That's kids for ya.
375
00:19:17,689 --> 00:19:19,896
Bill... I have a confession.
376
00:19:20,025 --> 00:19:22,096
Charlene hasn't been out with her girlfriends
377
00:19:22,261 --> 00:19:23,501
the past two weeks.
378
00:19:23,695 --> 00:19:25,902
She's been with John Redcorn.
379
00:19:26,031 --> 00:19:28,841
J-J-John Redcorn? How do you...
380
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,241
I set it up.
381
00:19:30,402 --> 00:19:33,281
Charlene and John Redcorn... are having an affair.
382
00:19:33,438 --> 00:19:34,610
Not in the face!
383
00:19:36,441 --> 00:19:38,114
You did hear him, right, Bill?
384
00:19:38,277 --> 00:19:39,187
Yeah.
385
00:19:39,311 --> 00:19:40,415
I'm sorry.
386
00:19:40,546 --> 00:19:42,048
I-I just went a little nuts
387
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:43,922
when I found out you'd be raising my daughter.
388
00:19:44,082 --> 00:19:45,322
What's that now?
389
00:19:45,484 --> 00:19:48,727
Uh, Dale tested Kate's DNA and, uh,
390
00:19:48,854 --> 00:19:51,061
she and Joseph have the same father.
391
00:19:54,626 --> 00:19:58,039
Joseph and Kate have the same father.
392
00:19:58,197 --> 00:19:58,971
You.
393
00:20:06,772 --> 00:20:09,218
Charlene and John Redcorn, huh?
394
00:20:09,341 --> 00:20:11,048
They seem like a good couple.
395
00:20:11,176 --> 00:20:12,712
So you're not filled with rage?
396
00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:15,984
Actually, I feel... okay.
397
00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:17,957
I don't think I'm cut out for parenthood.
398
00:20:18,116 --> 00:20:19,356
Actually, I hate kids!
399
00:20:19,518 --> 00:20:20,792
I mean, not all kids,
400
00:20:20,953 --> 00:20:23,126
but just, just the ones that are around all the time.
401
00:20:23,255 --> 00:20:26,236
Dangit, Bill Cosby made it look fun and I fell for it.
402
00:20:26,391 --> 00:20:27,870
We all fell for it.
403
00:20:28,026 --> 00:20:30,438
Plus, I had a woman stolen by John Redcorn.
404
00:20:30,562 --> 00:20:32,064
That's kind of an honor.
405
00:20:32,264 --> 00:20:33,607
We should all be so lucky.
406
00:20:37,736 --> 00:20:41,274
So Charlene and the kids are moving in with John Redcorn.
407
00:20:41,406 --> 00:20:42,680
Sure was nice of Redcorn
408
00:20:42,808 --> 00:20:44,719
to agree to raise my child for me.
409
00:20:44,843 --> 00:20:46,584
Can't say I'd do the same.
410
00:20:53,852 --> 00:20:57,197
She was like... the other half of my soul.
411
00:20:57,322 --> 00:20:58,858
And now she's gone.
412
00:20:59,024 --> 00:21:00,594
This must be what those songs
413
00:21:00,826 --> 00:21:02,601
by the chick with the boobs were about.
414
00:21:02,794 --> 00:21:04,467
I know it hurts, buddy.
415
00:21:04,663 --> 00:21:07,439
But on the bright side, you still got me!
416
00:21:07,666 --> 00:21:10,374
Yeah. Thanks.
417
00:21:12,571 --> 00:21:14,346
She had a lot of eyebrows for a chick, anyway.
418
00:21:15,305 --> 00:22:15,661
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