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That year, we almost had it.
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I had just learned how to button.
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You should've checked my work.
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Oh, my God.
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Look at Dad!
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Ugh, I should just destroy those back-up glasses.
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I wonder where that necklace went?
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Hank! Guess what?!
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You knowhow we always wait until the last minute
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to get our Christmas card photo taken and always end up
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getting Mega-Lo portraits, which are always terrible?
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Uh... am I supposed to be guessing something here?
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Mom got us an appointment with Ron!
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As in "Portraits by Ron" Ron!
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I called and got the last available appointment
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before Christmas.
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Wow!
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This guy's even taken photos of the Stricklands!
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This is gonna be great!
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It's all because I did your favorite thing, Hank...
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I planned ahead.
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Well, you know what I always say:
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"If you plan ahead,
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then, when things happen, you're prepared."
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Yep.
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Yup.
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Mmm-hmm.
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Talkin' 'bout like a dang ol' Rick Wakeman, man,
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'stead of "yes" man, you gonna dang 'ol say "no," man.
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I took it upon myself to upgrade
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the entertainment value of the alley,
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and provide a soundtrack, if you will.
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Uh, I don't know, Dale.
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Conversation's already pretty good.
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But it could be better!
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I'll show you!
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So, I was just opening this beer,
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and the tab didn't go all the way in.
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So I had to push it open with my Swiss Army knife
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and now, my beer tastes like my back pocket.
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Wow... you really made that come to life.
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Sssst! Good luck following that, Boomhauer.
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Dad, Dooley ran away from home!
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He left a note with I'm gone.
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So Dooley ran away.
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Mm-mm-mm.
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I am not the least bit surprised.
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There is no way you can keep a lid on that powder keg
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they call a family.
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I thought you and Melinda Dooley were friends.
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Yeah...
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Melinda and I took different paths.
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Let's just say her clothes weren't the only thing
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that got casual on Fridays.
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I will leave it at that.
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Her values.
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I wonder where that boy is.
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If I were him, I'd find myself a nice culvert to crawl into.
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Somewhere in Oklahoma,
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where the police treat you like a human being.
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Uh... Okay.
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Poor Melinda.
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It all went downhill for her
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after she married that Tim Dooley.
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Well, because she had to.
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Poor thing.
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First, everything else in her life, and now this.
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Welcome, parents.
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We're confronting a serious and difficult issue.
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Thank God we've got a speaker to tell us what to do.
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"Here he is, fresh from The Montel Williams Show...
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author Stephens Davies."
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Good evening.
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First, let me extend my condolences
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to the Dooley family and the Arlen community.
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We must ask ourselves why this happened.
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Allow me to quote from my book.
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"The nuclear family has suffered a meltdown."
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If you don't have a close-knit family,
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then every member of your family is at risk.
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I'm back.
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Show's over.
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Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
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Dooley is the exception who proves the rule.
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Yes, every second in this country,
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a poorly parented child runs away.
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Excuse me!
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Your child could run away!
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My son will not run away.
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My family is fine.
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Don't you think Mrs. Dooley
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thought her family was fine, too?
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Well, probably.
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But, really, I don't think this relates to me.
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Of course you don't. Your family's great.
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Where's your son right now?
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He is... at home.
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Then let's call him.
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Get on up here!
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Okay.
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Whoa! Look out for the books.
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On sale.
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With a forward by Marilu Henner.
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Are you sure you don't want to talk to Melinda Dooley?
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She's right there.
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Sorry, we're not home right now.
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Unless this is Alex Trebek, in which case, come right over.
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Well, that's just...
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Interesting. What's your son's cell phone number?
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He doesn't have a cell phone.
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You have no idea where your son is
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or how to get ahold of him.
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So if he's gone, he's gone.
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Well, uh...
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This is the real problem with American families.
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Complacency!
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Self-satisfaction!
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Igno-rationalization!
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It's a word I coined... it's in my book...
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and she's guilty of it.
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I am so sorry.
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You're ashamed.
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Peggy, I think you may be overreacting.
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Have you ever wondered
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why we can never get our Christmas card photo right?
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It's because, as a family, we are all over the place:
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Scattered, disheveled, eyes closed.
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The '77 Cowboys never took a good photo,
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but they won the Super Bowl.
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Your logic doesn't hold up.
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Hank, when an expert on families calls you up on stage
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and tells you you are failing as a parent,
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it would be foolish of you to ignore it.
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Which is why I got this.
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Now, when you go out, simply slide your magnet to "out,"
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and indicate your destination and estimated time spent,
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using these symbols here.
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I also bought each of you a cell phone.
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Cool!
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Yeah, it is cool.
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It only calls me.
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Oh.
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Can I receive calls?
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From me.
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Peggy, this is unnecessary.
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We communicate as needed.
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Uh, well, I do like dry-erase boards.
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Thank you.
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What's that you're playing?
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It's your theme song.
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What?!
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I'm kidding.
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This is your theme song.
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No, no, it's this.
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It really is that.
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Listen to my theme song!
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Oh, that is so me.
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Aw, dang it.
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I lost the drawstring to my sweatpants again.
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What's that trick with the, uh...
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Peggy!
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What are you doing in your underwear
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outside the master bathroom?
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I want us to be a closer, more open family.
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What?!
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Why would you want that?!
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Baaah!
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Because of what I just read in Davies's book...
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Get Comfortable.
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"Clothes may keep your body warm,
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but they make your heart cold."
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We need more intimacy as a family, Hank.
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I thought that's what the dry-erase board was for.
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Now, for God sakes, put on some clothes!
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Hank, the dry-erase board
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is only the physical part of the solution.
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This hanging out in our underwear is the emotional part.
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Mmm! This is the way food was meant to be eaten!
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No stains.
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I can just hose down afterwards.
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I don't think this is sanitary.
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Hank, you might feel better about this
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if you took your pants off.
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No.
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All right.
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Look... if wearing your pants makes you comfortable, do it.
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Anything goes.
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Do whatever you feel like doing.
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Ah. Good. Boomhauer's home.
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Uh... I feel like going out to the alley.
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Hey, Bobby!
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I got these for the three of us for the Christmas photo.
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Okay.
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So, tell me... what happened in school today, huh?
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How are you feeling?
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Uh, okay.
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Oh! It was classic.
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In gym class,
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I made a fart noise with a deflated volleyball
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and people thought it was Coach Kleehammer!
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No, no, no, Bobby, that's good,
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but what I want to know about, honey, are your feelings.
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Huh?
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You know,
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do you feel misunderstood, isolated?
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Do you feel like people don't like you?
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What do you mean people don't like me?!
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I was the one who made the fart noise!
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Bobby...
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I would like to share an excerpt from my diary,
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as I no longer want us to have any secrets.
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No, no, that's okay.
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"Dear Diary,
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"Bobby's eyebrows have still not grown in.
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It is disturbing."
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Mom!
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I want my sideburns to be even for Ron's picture.
219
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I'm gonna need you to hold the laser level as I shave.
220
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Is there anything on you you'd like level?
221
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No, thank you.
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Bwaaah!
223
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Close the door!
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Hank, there are no doors.
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What?! No!
226
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Only when we take down our inner doors
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can we put them back up and then not use them.
228
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To keep Bobby from running away,
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you have to do your business in front of me?
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It's the only way.
231
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How did you even do that?
232
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I'm trying to take a shower and there's no curtain!
233
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Come on!
234
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First one to breakfast gets to sit on my lap!
235
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Oh, no.
236
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Why are you wearing your pajamas?
237
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I had to get dressed in a hurry.
238
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There's no doors in my house!
239
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Yello.
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This is a recording of Ron.
241
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We're calling to confirm your photo shoot with Ron at:
242
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Today at 5:00 p.m.
243
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What?! Today?!
244
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No, I thought it was tomorrow.
245
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Hello? Help!
246
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Somebody, please... hello?!
247
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Hank,
248
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I need you to go on
249
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a propane run for us now.
250
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I'd love to, sir.
251
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Can I hang out with you for awhile?
252
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You can if you want,
253
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but my dad's been testing Tasers,
254
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so you really have to watch out.
255
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I'll take my chances.
256
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You have 30 seconds
257
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until this appointment is over.
258
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At 5:30, I'm taking a picture.
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20 seconds.
260
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I'm so sorry, I do not know how this could've happened.
261
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They should be here.
262
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That is your picture.
263
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Good-bye.
264
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Next!
265
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Well, here it is.
266
00:14:12,484 --> 00:14:14,816
We didn't know about the mix-up until it was too late.
267
00:14:14,987 --> 00:14:16,284
We'll just reschedule.
268
00:14:16,488 --> 00:14:19,082
Ron is booked up; we can't reschedule.
269
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Didn't you see the board?
270
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I even used those freaking High School Musical magnets
271
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you love so much.
272
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Neither of us came home in time.
273
00:14:26,265 --> 00:14:27,823
I don't understand.
274
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:30,059
I called, I left messages...
275
00:14:30,236 --> 00:14:31,567
Hank, where is your cell phone?
276
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:33,797
Uh... it's in my desk at work.
277
00:14:33,939 --> 00:14:35,429
But how are you going to get my calls?
278
00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:36,540
Bobby, where's your phone?
279
00:14:36,675 --> 00:14:40,111
Uh, it's in my desk at work?
280
00:14:42,181 --> 00:14:45,878
Oh, my gosh, you did not want to get my calls.
281
00:14:46,018 --> 00:14:47,315
You were both avoiding me.
282
00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:51,754
It's all the extra attention and sharing and whatnot.
283
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,119
We felt a little...
284
00:14:53,259 --> 00:14:55,124
claustrophobic.
285
00:14:55,261 --> 00:14:58,253
Yeah! I've even had dreams that I was a little bunny,
286
00:14:58,430 --> 00:15:01,399
and you petted me and petted me and petted me
287
00:15:01,533 --> 00:15:03,296
until you broke my neck.
288
00:15:03,469 --> 00:15:06,836
Oh, I see.
289
00:15:06,972 --> 00:15:09,065
I just wanted us to be closer.
290
00:15:09,241 --> 00:15:10,606
Yeah, I know.
291
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:13,405
Well, I have errands to run.
292
00:15:13,545 --> 00:15:15,513
I will not bother to tell you where am going,
293
00:15:15,681 --> 00:15:16,739
since it does not matter.
294
00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:27,252
I sure hate to see Peggy so upset.
295
00:15:27,426 --> 00:15:29,826
Dang it, somebody should invent a pill
296
00:15:29,995 --> 00:15:31,155
that just makes you happy.
297
00:15:36,468 --> 00:15:37,492
It's not a pill,
298
00:15:37,670 --> 00:15:38,637
but I make something in my bathtub
299
00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:40,295
that'll make you happy.
300
00:15:40,472 --> 00:15:42,133
You know, none of this would've happened
301
00:15:42,308 --> 00:15:44,902
if it wasn't for that family expert jackass.
302
00:15:45,044 --> 00:15:47,035
You mean, Stephens Davies?
303
00:15:47,179 --> 00:15:48,874
That guy's amazing!
304
00:15:49,014 --> 00:15:51,881
His theories, his sense of style, the whole thing.
305
00:15:52,017 --> 00:15:53,814
I wish I could go to his book signing today.
306
00:15:54,019 --> 00:15:55,008
A book signing?
307
00:15:55,220 --> 00:15:57,051
Yeah, at the Arlen Mall.
308
00:15:57,222 --> 00:15:59,452
I'd go, but I'm pretty busy writing this musical.
309
00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:00,853
Huh.
310
00:16:01,026 --> 00:16:02,459
I think I'll go down there,
311
00:16:02,661 --> 00:16:04,094
get that guy to call Peggy,
312
00:16:04,263 --> 00:16:06,026
and fix all the problems he caused.
313
00:16:17,943 --> 00:16:20,912
Sorry I was such a lame lab partner today.
314
00:16:21,046 --> 00:16:22,673
It's okay.
315
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:26,615
I just feel so bad about hurting my mom's feelings.
316
00:16:26,785 --> 00:16:29,219
Ah... I've got it.
317
00:16:29,355 --> 00:16:32,256
I'll just go down and beg for a new appointment.
318
00:16:32,391 --> 00:16:33,949
I'm adorable when I beg.
319
00:16:34,193 --> 00:16:36,627
If that doesn't work, start crying.
320
00:16:36,895 --> 00:16:38,487
It works for my dad.
321
00:16:46,405 --> 00:16:47,770
I need to return these.
322
00:16:47,973 --> 00:16:49,736
I am no longer in the Christmas spirit.
323
00:17:02,354 --> 00:17:05,016
Sir, Mr. Davies isn't signing any personal items.
324
00:17:05,190 --> 00:17:07,124
You have to buy his book and wait in line.
325
00:17:08,627 --> 00:17:10,458
All right, fine.
326
00:17:13,232 --> 00:17:14,995
There you are!
327
00:17:15,167 --> 00:17:16,327
Mr. Ron?
328
00:17:16,468 --> 00:17:17,765
Speaking.
329
00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:20,598
My family missed our appointment yesterday
330
00:17:20,773 --> 00:17:23,173
and my mom's really upset.
331
00:17:23,308 --> 00:17:25,401
Is there anyway you can squeeze us in?
332
00:17:25,544 --> 00:17:29,002
This photo means a lotto her and she means a lot to me.
333
00:17:29,148 --> 00:17:30,445
Please.
334
00:17:30,582 --> 00:17:32,641
You know, I shoot families all the time
335
00:17:32,785 --> 00:17:34,377
who I know hate each other.
336
00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:36,214
It's nice to see there are some out there
337
00:17:36,388 --> 00:17:38,117
who have real love and devotion between them.
338
00:17:38,323 --> 00:17:40,120
Reminds me of I got into this business.
339
00:17:40,259 --> 00:17:42,489
So, you'll give us a new appointment?!
340
00:17:42,628 --> 00:17:44,323
No, no, no... there's nothing I can do. Sorry.
341
00:17:51,670 --> 00:17:54,230
Oh, please! No.
342
00:18:01,547 --> 00:18:02,912
Oh!
343
00:18:07,519 --> 00:18:09,453
And the name is?
344
00:18:09,588 --> 00:18:10,782
Hank Hill.
345
00:18:11,023 --> 00:18:13,389
I'm the husband of Peggy Hill.
346
00:18:13,559 --> 00:18:14,992
I can't do two names on one book.
347
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:16,218
You need to buy another.
348
00:18:16,395 --> 00:18:17,987
Look, you and your got dang book
349
00:18:18,130 --> 00:18:20,598
have upset my family, and now you're gonna fix it.
350
00:18:20,732 --> 00:18:21,528
Oh!
351
00:18:23,602 --> 00:18:25,365
Security!
352
00:18:30,509 --> 00:18:33,069
You are gonna call my wife and tell her that she is
353
00:18:33,212 --> 00:18:35,043
a good mother and we have a good family.
354
00:18:35,180 --> 00:18:37,512
Use this... it's like a Bat Phone...
355
00:18:37,649 --> 00:18:39,116
it'll go right to her.
356
00:18:39,251 --> 00:18:40,718
Grip it! Why don't you grip it?!
357
00:18:40,886 --> 00:18:42,820
I'm not going to tell you again!
358
00:18:42,988 --> 00:18:44,148
Now take the phone,
359
00:18:44,323 --> 00:18:45,187
and make the dang call!
360
00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:49,420
Hank?! What are you doing?
361
00:18:49,661 --> 00:18:50,650
Peggy?!
362
00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:51,660
Aw, dang it!
363
00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:52,889
There he goes.
364
00:18:53,031 --> 00:18:55,124
I was trying to get your expert
365
00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:57,029
to tell you that everything was okay.
366
00:18:57,169 --> 00:18:58,261
Mom!
367
00:18:58,403 --> 00:18:59,961
Bobby, what are you doing here?
368
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:02,334
I tried to get Ron to reschedule.
369
00:19:02,474 --> 00:19:04,203
I even cried!
370
00:19:04,376 --> 00:19:05,775
I was faking it at first,
371
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:07,946
and then I started crying real tears,
372
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:11,140
thinking about how important this was to you...
373
00:19:11,283 --> 00:19:12,580
I'm doing it again!
374
00:19:15,888 --> 00:19:19,289
You are a wonderful husband and a wonderful son...
375
00:19:19,424 --> 00:19:21,654
and we are a wonderful family.
376
00:19:21,793 --> 00:19:23,920
And I don't need a picture to prove it.
377
00:19:25,264 --> 00:19:27,095
But it would've been nice.
378
00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:31,363
The Dooleys?!
379
00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:34,370
Dang it, we're a better family than they are!
380
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:36,770
We deserve to have our picture taken with Ron!
381
00:19:38,744 --> 00:19:41,611
In fact, Ron will take our picture.
382
00:19:41,747 --> 00:19:43,271
We just have to work together.
383
00:19:47,553 --> 00:19:49,487
Well, hello, Melinda.
384
00:19:49,688 --> 00:19:50,620
Peggy.
385
00:19:50,789 --> 00:19:52,882
I see you found your son.
386
00:19:53,058 --> 00:19:53,922
We were all worried.
387
00:19:54,059 --> 00:19:55,549
Sarcasm.
388
00:19:55,761 --> 00:19:57,820
Well, two can play at that game.
389
00:19:58,030 --> 00:19:59,292
Cute baby.
390
00:19:59,431 --> 00:20:02,025
Sorry we can't stay and chat.
391
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:05,364
We have an appointment with Ron.
392
00:20:05,504 --> 00:20:08,439
I have three months' allowance saved up.
393
00:20:08,607 --> 00:20:12,703
It's all yours, if you just run away for a little while.
394
00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:14,470
You have an hour.
395
00:20:19,017 --> 00:20:20,348
Hey, Tim.
396
00:20:20,519 --> 00:20:22,009
How's, uh... how's your boy?
397
00:20:27,392 --> 00:20:28,324
Dooley!
398
00:20:31,930 --> 00:20:33,261
The Dooleys, please?
399
00:20:33,432 --> 00:20:34,456
Uh, yes.
400
00:20:34,633 --> 00:20:36,794
We are the Dooleys.
401
00:20:36,935 --> 00:20:38,197
Ron will see you now.
402
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:44,001
Which background should we use?
403
00:20:44,142 --> 00:20:47,270
It doesn't matter where we are, as long as we are together...
404
00:20:47,412 --> 00:20:48,674
in the Alps.
405
00:20:54,853 --> 00:20:56,445
Okay, now get closer.
406
00:20:56,622 --> 00:20:58,055
Father, put your arm around Mother.
407
00:21:00,392 --> 00:21:01,791
You know what?
408
00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:04,555
We are fine just the way we are.
409
00:21:51,677 --> 00:21:53,907
First one to breakfast gets to sit on my lap!
410
00:21:54,305 --> 00:22:54,604
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