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-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.org ] ==-
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Everybody, I have a listing!
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Now, since the market is as tight
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as an Englishman's cricket shoes,
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it's only fair this assignment go
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to the employee I feel is most deserving.
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Me.
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Oh, and for the rest of you,
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if you're lucky enough to get a listing,
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well, you'll now get two weeks to sell it.
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And if you don't, it goes back to my top salesperson.
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Still me.
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Size more Realty.
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This is Peggy Hill speaking, but you can call me...
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your Realtor.
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Mashed potatoes and french fries?
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If it's bad news, Mom, just let me have it.
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Let the starches flow like water,
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I have a listing!
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Way to go! Yay, Aunt Peggy!
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Well, all right, Peggy.
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That's a pretty big deal
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considering the rough housing market.
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Yes, yes, it is, but I only have two weeks to sell the house,
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or I will lose the listing and maybe my job.
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No, no,
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you enjoy those fries, Bobby,
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because I plan on staging the heck out of this house.
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What's staging?
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It's like a home makeover.
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I fill the house with flowers, candles
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and nice furniture so people won't have a chance
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to imagine how bad it's going to look with their crap in it.
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I know what'll attract a big crowd.
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You can put in a Gap.
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People love the Gap.
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"The last hose you'll ever buy."
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I've had to buy it three times.
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And I'm buying it again.
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This is gonna be the one!
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Oh, God, look who's here.
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That home inspector, Bud Ferguson.
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Where? Where is he?
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Bud Ferguson.
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Pushing a shopping cart like a mere mortal.
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That jerk killed two of our sales last month
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because the houses had "structural problems."
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Like every house doesn't have those.
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It's Ferguson's job to be tough,
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and he's damn good at it.
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Did you know he discovered faulty wiring
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at Bo Shute's house through three layers of drywall?
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Of course we do.
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You fail a Ferguson inspection,
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everyone in Arlen knows.
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Poor Shute was so humiliated, he had to move to a Dakota.
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His unsellable house still sits empty.
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Sad for him, sad for the house.
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I will sell this house by 1:00 p.m.
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Mmm!
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Your open house starts in an hour,
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so what do you say you jump in the car
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and go for a little spin around the state?
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Even if I's physically capable of gettin' into an automobile,
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I ain't goin' nowhere with outsiders in the house.
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They'll steal our stuffs.
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The open house was a disaster.
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That woman, she kept kissing her ferret on the mouth.
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I don't know who I felt worse for.
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Ugh, ugly people sure do ruin a lot.
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They've done studies with newborns,
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and if given the choice,
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babies would rather go to pretty strangers
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than their own ugly parents.
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Well, obviously, babies are not as stupid as they look.
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That's it,
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Nancy, that's what I need.
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Beautiful people.
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If I populate the open house with beautiful people,
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no one will notice the ugly ones.
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And who are the best-looking people in town?
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Well, librarians after they take off their glasses
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and actors.
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I will go with the actors.
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Welcome cast members of the 142 Taylor Avenue open house.
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Right now, you are a random assortment
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of very good-looking actors.
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But by next weekend's open house,
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you will be a family.
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Sounds great, I hate my real family.
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So, Madame Director, what do you want us to do?
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Well, huh, um,
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why don't you act?
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If you want us to act, we need a script.
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We're not improv people.
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A script... right, Melrose.
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Which means I get to write one!
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I will write about how wonderful the house is,
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people will fall in love with it, and bingo, it's sold!
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I'm just gonna have to dig deep
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into my tortured soul to write this thing.
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I will call my mother.
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Frank,
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why don't you warm up the actors.
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All right, everybody,
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let's warm up.
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33 minutes to cut a lawn.
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That's a personal best.
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Unique New York!
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Unique New York!
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What the... Unique New York!
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Unique New York! Unique New York!
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Hey, Dad, check it out!
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Unique New York... I'm an actor.
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Using actors to sell houses is a dumb idea.
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Hank, my job is on the line.
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I have to sell that freak house.
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And I have one week to write a script
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and get it up on its feet before the open house.
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These actors are my only hope.
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But, Peggy, the boy.
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He's swaying.
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Hank, if God forbid
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you were desperate to keep your job
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and had to peddle propane in our living room,
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I would not object.
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All right, fine.
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But please don't ever compare acting to propane again.
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Connections.
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This play is about how this house
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has affected people's lives.
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Now, let's do the scene
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between Luanne, her husband and emotionally distant father,
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and how they connect
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in this mid-century kitchen with modern upgrades.
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I know this is way uncool,
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but can we do my scenes first?
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I've got a mattress commercial this afternoon.
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Oh, you got that?
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Good, good.
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Okay, everybody, let's do the scene
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in the walk-in closet slash third bedroom.
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Okay, in this scene, Frank... Peggy,
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I know "writer's word is gold,"
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but do I have to say this?
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"French doors"?
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Doors is fine, it's the other word.
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Okay, I do not know what the French did to you,
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but I will work around them.
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Fine.
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Kitchen scene. Hustle!
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Oh, God.
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Stay where you are, Hank.
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The actors have to get used
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to working around the freaky people.
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Everybody, pretend Hank is a scary old man
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with an oxygen tank.
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Girls, I've got good news and bad news.
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I'll start with the bad.
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Your mother is dead.
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Oh, no!
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But the good news is that
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her memory will live on in this house.
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Its sturdy frame just like hers, and large bay windows...
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like your mother's big blue eyes that will never open again.
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Mother!
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Dang it, Dale, I told you the bed is off-limits.
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"Don't sit on my bed, don't try on my belts."
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You sure have a lot of rules, King "Don't."
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Knock it off, Dale.
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I've got enough problems
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with these actors crawling all over my house,
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eating imaginary bananas
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when real ones are sitting right there in a bowl.
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I don't know what I'd do if I had actors in my house.
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We'd probably play charades late into the night,
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then get drunk on sangria and practice our Oscar speeches.
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I could rid you
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of your "extremely attractive pests," Hank.
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I won't say when,
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I will say scorpions.
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I'm not sure
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if it's the high ceilings or the recessed lighting,
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but this room makes me...
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It's a miracle, my love.
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Cut!
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Luanne, you entered too early again.
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Bobby says, "Makes me wanna dance,"
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he dances, then you rush in.
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Come on, people,
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we have got one week to get this right
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or I will lose my job.
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Action.
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It's a miracle, my love!
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After 15 years, we are pregnant.
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And I know exactly who's responsible.
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This house.
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Chris, what are you doing here,
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interrupting my knitting group?
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I know what you're doing here.
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Using actors to sell houses.
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Brilliant.
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You're making real estate history, Peggy,
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and I want to be a part of it.
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More specifically, I want a part in it.
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He's not even hot.
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Well, it wouldn't be fair to just throw you in.
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See, these are professional actors.
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All love the womb
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that their first being bred,
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then give my tongue
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like leave to love my head.
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Well, you're my boss.
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Another guy, great.
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There goes my chimney monologue.
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Fine, I'll rewrite the freaking thing!
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You guys are still up?
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It's 11:30.
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Dad, Mom's been typing for six hours straight,
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except for that 15 minutes when she just started crying.
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Hank, it is impossible to please all my actors,
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but... I... just... did!
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Oh! Forgot to save.
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I was hoping you'd take the house back
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and maybe your old dad, too.
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I missed you so much, Dad.
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Hug me.
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Where is Melrose?
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I'm calling from the set.
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On the phone?
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Wait. Okay, I can handle this.
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You are on the phone because...
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you're away at school.
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Melrose is away at college,
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and is calling because she misses her family.
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No, her home!
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Frank, go with it.
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Um, I know you're trying to break the cycle,
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being the first one in the family to graduate college,
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but we miss you.
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And more importantly, the house misses you.
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Did everyone feel that?
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It was real, and it was good.
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I could even feel it here, Frank.
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Oh, my goodness!
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Well, we might actually pull this off!
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At this rate,
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tomorrow's dress rehearsal is gonna be fantastic!
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Now, everybody remember to bring friends
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so it feels like a real open house.
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I love the theater.
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It's in me now!
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Spencer, the talk.
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Bobby, did you know I'm 35 years old,
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and I spend my weekends
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in a sandwich costume just to make rent?
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This is the story of a family.
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But it's not about the people in the family.
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Nay!
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It's a story about what keeps them together.
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This is the story of a house.
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Good Lord.
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They told me you died in the war!
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I did.
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I saw the white light, God, the whole nine.
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But while there, I couldn't stop thinking about home,
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so I couldn't stay dead.
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You can start the party.
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Cousin Joey has arrived.
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I didn't knock, because I never do.
271
00:13:36,282 --> 00:13:38,842
...Which is why doctors will never tell you
272
00:13:38,984 --> 00:13:42,283
that homesick is the worst kind of sick.
273
00:13:42,488 --> 00:13:46,117
And one day, I will honor this house
274
00:13:46,292 --> 00:13:50,251
by becoming the man she always knew I could be.
275
00:14:03,642 --> 00:14:05,872
Brava, Peggy. Brava.
276
00:14:06,045 --> 00:14:08,479
Again, this play idea... genius.
277
00:14:08,647 --> 00:14:10,239
I, however, have surpassed that genius
278
00:14:10,382 --> 00:14:12,816
and gone on to create a new level of genius
279
00:14:12,952 --> 00:14:14,681
by inviting a client to the show.
280
00:14:14,820 --> 00:14:16,447
Oh, good. You are my target audience.
281
00:14:16,589 --> 00:14:18,284
Come on, how much did you love it?
282
00:14:18,457 --> 00:14:19,788
It was great.
283
00:14:19,959 --> 00:14:22,325
So great, I made an offer on the house.
284
00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:24,291
I don't understand.
285
00:14:24,463 --> 00:14:27,091
I sold you a house that you've never even seen?
286
00:14:27,233 --> 00:14:29,030
No, Peggy, that would make you a witch.
287
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:30,634
He made an offer on this house.
288
00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:31,827
What?!
289
00:14:32,004 --> 00:14:33,164
But this is my house.
290
00:14:33,339 --> 00:14:34,465
It's not for sale.
291
00:14:34,673 --> 00:14:36,641
Even at 25K over asking price?
292
00:14:36,809 --> 00:14:38,436
With a full cash deposit?
293
00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:40,101
Sold!
294
00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:49,919
I can't believe
295
00:14:50,055 --> 00:14:51,352
you sold our house!
296
00:14:51,490 --> 00:14:53,981
I know! And for a very good price...
297
00:14:54,193 --> 00:14:57,128
25 Kover asking in a down market.
298
00:14:57,263 --> 00:14:58,753
Would you open it, Dad?
299
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:00,957
You know, autographs.
300
00:15:01,133 --> 00:15:02,998
Has this family gone insane?!
301
00:15:03,168 --> 00:15:04,430
That's it.
302
00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:06,094
Bobby, open your own dang soda.
303
00:15:06,272 --> 00:15:07,569
Peggy, we're not moving.
304
00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:08,798
End of story.
305
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:14,546
I am sorry, Hank.
306
00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:16,772
When I sold our house, I was drunk
307
00:15:16,949 --> 00:15:18,712
on the powerful elixir that is fame.
308
00:15:18,851 --> 00:15:20,876
But we cannot back out of this sale.
309
00:15:21,020 --> 00:15:23,386
It will destroy my reputation, which after tonight,
310
00:15:23,522 --> 00:15:25,422
is off the freakin' charts.
311
00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:27,183
Well, that's just too bad.
312
00:15:27,326 --> 00:15:29,226
I'm not selling this house, Peggy.
313
00:15:29,395 --> 00:15:32,296
But, Hank, there would be a huge penalty if we backed out.
314
00:15:32,464 --> 00:15:34,432
It could be $10,000.
315
00:15:34,566 --> 00:15:36,033
I'm not paying anything.
316
00:15:36,235 --> 00:15:38,100
You have to get us out of this.
317
00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:39,635
End of discussion.
318
00:15:39,805 --> 00:15:42,933
Okay, Hank, I will find away to keep our house.
319
00:15:45,077 --> 00:15:47,739
Actors got us into this, actors will get us out.
320
00:15:50,316 --> 00:15:53,046
I do appreciate you letting me see the place during the day.
321
00:15:53,252 --> 00:15:54,514
Psst, yo.
322
00:15:54,653 --> 00:15:56,814
Your loan payment's L to the ate.
323
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:58,787
If you don't cough up the scrilla,
324
00:15:58,924 --> 00:16:01,859
you'll have to answer to the Jets.
325
00:16:06,532 --> 00:16:08,329
Hey, I just moved in down the block,
326
00:16:08,500 --> 00:16:09,865
and I'm required bylaw
327
00:16:10,002 --> 00:16:12,527
to tell everybody I'm a sex offender.
328
00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:14,866
Ugh! Good Lord!
329
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:15,972
Just ignore them.
330
00:16:16,175 --> 00:16:17,267
They're actors.
331
00:16:17,443 --> 00:16:18,569
Sir,
332
00:16:18,777 --> 00:16:19,903
I'm gonna level with you.
333
00:16:20,079 --> 00:16:21,740
This is all a big mistake.
334
00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:23,814
Our home is not for sale.
335
00:16:23,949 --> 00:16:25,883
I have no interest in selling the house
336
00:16:26,051 --> 00:16:28,212
where I raised my boy and my dog.
337
00:16:28,354 --> 00:16:32,518
See, now, this is exactly the kind of life I want.
338
00:16:32,691 --> 00:16:35,319
No, this is my life, and you can't have it!
339
00:16:37,396 --> 00:16:39,421
Kill the train, Bobby!
340
00:16:44,069 --> 00:16:45,559
I'm gonna get some sleep,
341
00:16:45,738 --> 00:16:48,002
unless you plan on selling the bed.
342
00:16:48,207 --> 00:16:49,367
You will regret that dig,
343
00:16:49,575 --> 00:16:51,167
because I have figured out away
344
00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:52,935
to get out of the sale
345
00:16:53,112 --> 00:16:55,637
and protect my reputation as Super Realtor.
346
00:16:55,814 --> 00:16:59,773
All we have to do is not pass the inspection.
347
00:16:59,918 --> 00:17:02,853
There's no way this house will fail an inspection.
348
00:17:02,988 --> 00:17:06,685
Sure it can, if we stage it to make it look damaged.
349
00:17:06,825 --> 00:17:08,258
And our inspector
350
00:17:08,394 --> 00:17:10,453
is Ferguson, so it will be easy to fail.
351
00:17:10,596 --> 00:17:11,688
Ferguson?!
352
00:17:11,830 --> 00:17:13,491
Your reputation can take the hit,
353
00:17:13,632 --> 00:17:15,065
because there's no got-dang way
354
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:16,599
I'm looking like a fool
355
00:17:16,769 --> 00:17:18,361
in front of the greatest inspector
356
00:17:18,504 --> 00:17:19,994
of our generation.
357
00:17:20,205 --> 00:17:22,070
Hank, there isn't any other way.
358
00:17:22,241 --> 00:17:23,606
We can't afford the penalty.
359
00:17:27,746 --> 00:17:29,236
Master Craftsman
360
00:17:29,448 --> 00:17:31,040
versus Master Inspector.
361
00:17:31,183 --> 00:17:33,549
I wonder if you'll fight to the death.
362
00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:36,779
So, we're definitely not gonna be friends with Ferguson?
363
00:17:36,955 --> 00:17:39,287
Maybe we can be frenemies.
364
00:17:39,425 --> 00:17:41,552
A love-hate relationship's the next best thing.
365
00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:43,058
I'm sorry, Bill.
366
00:17:43,195 --> 00:17:45,129
We're not gonna be anything with Ferguson
367
00:17:45,297 --> 00:17:47,162
after I fail his inspection.
368
00:17:47,366 --> 00:17:49,357
And everyone in Arlen hears about it.
369
00:17:49,501 --> 00:17:52,231
Problem remains, how will you fail?
370
00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:54,235
Your house is perfection.
371
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:55,634
Well, you got me.
372
00:17:55,841 --> 00:17:57,832
I've taken such good care of my home,
373
00:17:58,010 --> 00:17:59,841
I don't even know what a bad one looks like.
374
00:18:04,450 --> 00:18:06,077
This beam's rotting,
375
00:18:06,218 --> 00:18:07,981
and-and over there, you've got your termite damage.
376
00:18:08,153 --> 00:18:09,711
And look what I can do!
377
00:18:13,058 --> 00:18:14,525
How is that even possible?
378
00:18:14,660 --> 00:18:16,389
That's nothing compared to this.
379
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,963
Put some brown around the edges
380
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:24,194
so it looks like it's progressed to Phase II, and Bobby,
381
00:18:24,369 --> 00:18:26,166
when your mom's done with the ladder,
382
00:18:26,338 --> 00:18:28,306
replace our air filter with, uh,
383
00:18:28,474 --> 00:18:30,908
Mr. Dauterive's.
384
00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:33,477
Dad, if it makes you feel better,
385
00:18:33,645 --> 00:18:35,840
I don't want to be an actor anymore.
386
00:18:35,981 --> 00:18:38,541
Thank you, son.
387
00:18:51,830 --> 00:18:52,956
Ugh!
388
00:18:53,098 --> 00:18:54,497
Look at this place.
389
00:18:54,666 --> 00:18:57,226
My whole life has been a lie.
390
00:18:57,402 --> 00:18:58,835
I'm sorry, Hank.
391
00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:00,598
I just got carried away.
392
00:19:06,178 --> 00:19:07,236
I'm gonna vomit.
393
00:19:07,446 --> 00:19:09,141
Be strong, Hank.
394
00:19:09,281 --> 00:19:11,806
Remember, this is the only way to save our house.
395
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,576
But if you need to,
396
00:19:13,719 --> 00:19:16,711
we could use an extra carpet stain in Bobby's room.
397
00:19:19,424 --> 00:19:21,358
Doorbell doesn't work.
398
00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:23,586
It's not dangerous, but it is a violation.
399
00:19:33,739 --> 00:19:37,140
With all the home improvement shows these days,
400
00:19:37,276 --> 00:19:40,143
you'd think maintenance wouldn't be such an alien concept.
401
00:19:59,631 --> 00:20:02,361
Oh. This is really horrible.
402
00:20:02,534 --> 00:20:05,002
I feel like your boxing manager, and you've been beat up,
403
00:20:05,170 --> 00:20:08,139
and I have to cut your eye with a razor so you can see.
404
00:20:13,712 --> 00:20:16,840
If I were a joking man, I'd say, "Here's the damage."
405
00:20:16,982 --> 00:20:18,415
But I'm not.
406
00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:20,313
I'm gonna have to fail this house.
407
00:20:20,519 --> 00:20:23,488
It'd take a skilled craftsman a thousand man hours to fix it.
408
00:20:23,622 --> 00:20:24,850
A thousand man hours?
409
00:20:24,990 --> 00:20:26,457
That's, that's a lot of money.
410
00:20:26,592 --> 00:20:27,752
Sorry, folks.
411
00:20:27,926 --> 00:20:29,325
I'm out.
412
00:20:32,998 --> 00:20:35,125
Care to read my report, Mr. Hill?
413
00:20:35,267 --> 00:20:39,135
No, I'll wait and read it with everyone else in town.
414
00:20:39,271 --> 00:20:41,034
I'm thinking the master craftsman
415
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,798
who destroyed this house
416
00:20:43,008 --> 00:20:45,135
should have no problem repairing it.
417
00:20:46,979 --> 00:20:49,846
Uh, you're talking over my head here, sir.
418
00:20:49,982 --> 00:20:52,348
I'm... I'm just a...
419
00:20:52,551 --> 00:20:54,746
a bad homeowner.
420
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:57,912
Mr. Hill, only someone with incredible skills
421
00:20:58,056 --> 00:21:00,149
could make such a well-maintained home
422
00:21:00,325 --> 00:21:01,587
appear so damaged.
423
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:02,852
I'm impressed.
424
00:21:09,668 --> 00:21:12,000
This is a house of healing.
425
00:21:12,137 --> 00:21:16,437
Uncle Jeb, you don't need that oxygen tank to breathe in here.
426
00:21:18,543 --> 00:21:21,011
Yes, he does. Bobby, put his mask back on.
427
00:21:55,180 --> 00:21:57,705
Well, obviously, babies are not as stupid as they look.
428
00:21:58,305 --> 00:22:58,450
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