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Make a wish, darlin'.
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Ugh, I have had nothing
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but lousy birthdays.
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But getting robbed last year at Captain Bear's was the worst.
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Worse than the flash flood or the food poisoning
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or the year you got hit in the neck by a foul ball?
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Yes. Well,
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you've had some rough ones, all right.
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The only one who seems to enjoy your birthday is Dale.
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Well, this year,
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I am finally gonna have a birthday
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that Dale cannot gloat about.
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We are going on a Murder Mystery Train.
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That sounds great!
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Aw, sorry, honey.
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Kids aren't allowed.
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Being a kid is not fair.
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I'll bring you a place mat.
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Here's what he'll be missing.
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Huh.
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"A Chubb Randolph Production."
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It's a four-hour round trip to Durndle,
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dinner inclusive.
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Actors will be enacting a theme murder mystery,
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and we get to solve it.
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Theme?
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Death Gets on the Guest List."
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Disco, huh.
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You sure they didn't have a "Murder at the Super Bowl" theme
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or"Murder on a Bass Boat"?
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It'll be fun, Hank.
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Gotta get the funk, Hank!
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On the dance floor!
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That's right.
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C'mon, rock the boat, Hank!
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Do the bump-bump. Yeah!
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Well, the whole idea
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of a disco party makes my skin crawl,
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but it means a lot to Peggy.
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And it does involve a train.
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I guess I'll just focus on that.
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Ooh, I've got a mesh tank top I'm gonna wear!
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I like the way it mats my body hair.
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Good call, Bill.
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We'll all trot out our disco finery
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and wait for disaster to strike.
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I bet that will happen
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if the driver of the train is the murder victim.
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Unfortunately, no.
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All trains have a "Dead Man's Brake."
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The driver has to keep his hand on the throttle at all times.
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If the driver gets murdered and he takes his hand off,
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the train will automatically come to a screeching,
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but safe, halt.
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So, this year when we tell Peggy happy birthday,
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it won't sound sarcastic and mean.
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Not a chance.
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Peggy's had some classic stinkers before,
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but this one could be a fiasco of spectacular proportions.
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It could literally be a train wreck!
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I am glittered, glammed, and ready to hustle!
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Every thing feels tight.
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And European.
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Every stitch in your clothes
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was made by DuPont.
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Feel any better?
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A little.
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Now, Bobby, we're trusting you kids to stay right here
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and keep out of trouble until your mother and I
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have successfully completed her birthday.
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Okay.
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Studio 54.
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I want to stand behind a velvet rope!
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I feel a little guilty
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that I'm gonna be the one solving the mystery.
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Oh, really.
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You sure about that, Lucky?
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Yes, ma'am.
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See, I've got an unfair advantage.
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Thanks to TV Land reruns,
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I'm a bit of a student of the NBC Mystery Wheel:
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Columbo, McCloud, McMillan & Wife,
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and the under appreciated prairie detective Hec Ramsey.
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That was a good show.
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I remember one where the murder weapon was a Gila monster.
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Lovely lady,
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I'm Lawrence Robbins,
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although tonight I'll be playing Halston.
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One of our actresses didn't show.
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How would you like to be in the program?
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All you have to do is be blond and pretty.
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I can do both those things!
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Follow me.
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I'll tell you about your part.
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Wait.
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This is the longest we've ever been together
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without our parents.
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We've gotta do something
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we could never do if they were around.
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We could pee in places where pee isn't supposed to go.
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Uh... Uh.
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I know, let's make prank phone calls.
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Mmm. Sounds too risky.
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Everybody's got caller ID now.
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What if we made a secret clubhouse?
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You mean with passwords and secret knocks?
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Cool!
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Yeah, and we can use things
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that aren't furniture as furniture.
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And things that aren't urinals as urinals!
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I'm in!
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Hey, Peggy, happy birthday, man.
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I want you to meet ol' dang ol' Rhonda here, man.
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She's hearing... hearing-impaired,
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but she communicates with dang ol' language of love,
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you know, um, hot, man.
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P.J., Bob, I'm so glad you could make it.
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I thought you were gonna both be "plus one."
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We decided to leave the wives at home tonight.
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No chicks!
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Hey, Hank Hill.
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Remember the '70s?
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My people ambushing your people in the jungle.
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Look!
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There's Jackie O.
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This is wonderful.
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I'm Conductor Nolan.
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I am a railway employee
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and am in no way affiliated with Chubb Randolph Productions.
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I'm warning you now,
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I am not going to put up with any foolishness.
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I am empowered to take all necessary actions
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to protect this train.
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Done it before; I'll do it again.
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Fun within prescribed limits.
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This is gonna work!
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All aboard!
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Aunt Peggy, Uncle Hank!
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I'm playing a model called Jerry Hall!
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That is wonderful, honey.
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Who is Roy Cohn?
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Senator Joseph McCarthy's
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pit bull lawyer.
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A voracious man who took no quarter in the courtroom
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or the amyl nitrate-perfumed lounges of Studio 54.
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Why would he want to kill me, I mean, Jerry Hall?
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No. Oh, no. No, Luanne, no.
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Roy Cohn did it!
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Aw, mystery blown!
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Doggone it.
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Let's go.
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No, no, stay.
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You could do improv!
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No. Wait.
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Please! Come back!
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I was a fool to think this would go well.
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Well, it's not so bad.
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Your friends are here.
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We're gonna have a nice dinner.
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I'm sorry, everyone.
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I'm so sorry.
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Oh, baby doll, it's all right.
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We've all messed up and given away the plot of something.
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Take it from me.
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"Fire" ain't the worst thing you can yell in a theater.
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It's "Bruce Willis is dead!"
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I'm sorry, but there's, um, been a problem,
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uh... Spit it out!
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The refrigeration went out
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and the chicken and prime rib were spoiled,
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and your ice cream birthday cake melted.
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And there's no food!
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We do have packets of cheese and crackers.
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Well, you can make a pretty good meal
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out of cheese and crackers.
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Happy freakin' birthday to me.
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What a cool place for a secret clubhouse!
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I hope there are old textbooks up there
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from when your parents were in school.
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I hope there are mannequins!
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I'm not going first.
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You gotta go, Bobby,
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'cause if your deformed twin brother's up there,
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he should see your face first.
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I guess you're right.
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You know, I was thinking, sug.
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Maybe we could play a game.
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You know, get a tablecloth
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and color some coasters with lipstick
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and play "Twister."
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Yeah, yeah. A game.
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Not Nancy's game, but how' bout this?
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We'll pick a letter and whoever calls out some thing they see
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that begins with that letter, gets a point.
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Like say, if the letter was "A,"
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and you called out "I see an air vent," then you'd get a point.
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"A" is for alcohol.
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That's the only thing gonna save this party.
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I demand a Tom Collins!
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Sorry, sir.
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Uh, we just entered Rumpert County.
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It's a dry county.
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And, for election reasons, it's long and horizontal,
205
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so it's gonna take us about an hour to get through it.
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You'll have to wait 'till then for an alcoholic beverage.
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I guess this is kinda cool.
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Isn't it?
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There's nothing up here
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except old exercise equipment.
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This pink stuff is making my butt itch.
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Now it's making my hand itch.
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Now it's making everything itch.
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Here,
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feel it. Ew. Don't touch us.
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Aunt Peggy and everybody,
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I feel really, really terrible about spoiling the mystery.
218
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But then I remembered I brought some friends along...
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the Manger Babies!
220
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No, dear God, no, not...
221
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The Manger Babies!
222
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Josea the Cat.
223
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Meow meow.
224
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Obadiah the Donkey.
225
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Gurgle Gurgle the Octopus.
226
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Gurgle, gurgle.
227
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And Sir Reginald
228
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Feather bottom III.
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Pleasure to meet you. What, what.
230
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Hey, guys,
231
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there's an Andy Warholwig stuckin the back toilet.
232
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I tried to get it out with Elton John sunglasses,
233
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but, you know, they got stuck, too.
234
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Oh, Peggy.
235
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Oh, Hank!
236
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I know you are trying so hard to make it all right,
237
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but it's just not.
238
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My birthday is ruined.
239
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Again.
240
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I can't take this.
241
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They just left.
242
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There's no cheese.
243
00:11:27,553 --> 00:11:30,613
And Hank, I want
244
00:12:01,420 --> 00:12:05,789
Did we just have, uh, relations in a public place?
245
00:12:05,925 --> 00:12:10,191
Unless this is all a very weird dream, yes, we did.
246
00:12:10,329 --> 00:12:11,353
How do you feel?
247
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I feel... great.
248
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Little does Dale know this is the best birthday ever.
249
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Huh?
250
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Oh... happy feet.
251
00:12:32,451 --> 00:12:33,782
Guess what?
252
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We have our mystery.
253
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Oh, thank God.
254
00:12:39,058 --> 00:12:40,923
Somebody did the nasty on this train
255
00:12:41,093 --> 00:12:43,493
and we're gonna find out who.
256
00:12:52,571 --> 00:12:54,436
There is no need to panic yet, Hank.
257
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It'll be a disaster if we get caught, Peggy.
258
00:12:58,077 --> 00:12:59,374
We're on a train.
259
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:01,446
That means we are at this very moment
260
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under the jurisdiction of the Texas Railroad Commission.
261
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Yes, so?
262
00:13:07,153 --> 00:13:10,418
The railroad commission also regulates propane.
263
00:13:10,556 --> 00:13:13,047
If what we did in that bathroom becomes public,
264
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Strickland Propane could receive sanctions,
265
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maybe even the propane death penalty.
266
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Isn't this delicious?
267
00:13:22,835 --> 00:13:24,700
I wonder who was naughty.
268
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Lucky is on the case.
269
00:13:27,173 --> 00:13:29,038
Now, that's usually what I say when I drink beer,
270
00:13:29,208 --> 00:13:31,472
but this time it refers to this mystery.
271
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,976
I would not rule out sex-crazed hobos.
272
00:13:34,113 --> 00:13:36,411
I wouldn't put it past a hobo.
273
00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:38,073
You are not helping, Hank.
274
00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:39,376
Attention, everyone.
275
00:13:39,518 --> 00:13:41,349
I am Kahn Souphanousinphone.
276
00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:42,919
Upon entering the lavatory,
277
00:13:43,088 --> 00:13:45,488
I observed two sets of footprints,
278
00:13:45,624 --> 00:13:48,149
one set pointing up and the other down...
279
00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:49,316
evidence
280
00:13:49,461 --> 00:13:51,292
of love most foul.
281
00:13:51,463 --> 00:13:52,691
I discovered
282
00:13:52,865 --> 00:13:54,389
the deplorable act.
283
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:57,228
I will find the perpetrators.
284
00:13:58,537 --> 00:13:59,731
I will begin my questioning
285
00:13:59,872 --> 00:14:01,362
with you, Dale Gribble.
286
00:14:01,540 --> 00:14:02,700
Has your wife been out of your sight
287
00:14:02,875 --> 00:14:04,308
for even five minutes?
288
00:14:04,476 --> 00:14:07,206
No, she's been clingy all night.
289
00:14:07,346 --> 00:14:11,214
I can verify that Nancy has not been out of Dale's sight at all.
290
00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:13,284
I don't have an alibi.
291
00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:14,386
You're Bill Dauterive.
292
00:14:14,553 --> 00:14:16,145
That your alibi... airtight.
293
00:14:22,161 --> 00:14:23,560
What are you people up to?
294
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:24,958
Oh, we just playing charades.
295
00:14:25,130 --> 00:14:26,563
You can stay and play if you want.
296
00:14:26,732 --> 00:14:28,393
The category is "Book."
297
00:14:28,567 --> 00:14:32,469
Something went on here and when I find out what it was,
298
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:34,470
I'm gonna exercise my authority.
299
00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:37,075
My full authority.
300
00:14:38,344 --> 00:14:40,539
His full authority, Peggy.
301
00:14:40,679 --> 00:14:43,113
Okay, back to business.
302
00:14:43,249 --> 00:14:45,547
Lucky Kleinschmidt.
303
00:14:45,684 --> 00:14:47,549
It was you and Luanne, wasn't it?
304
00:14:47,686 --> 00:14:49,654
You trying to get in as much hanky-panky as you can
305
00:14:49,822 --> 00:14:51,449
before she has her baby.
306
00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:53,751
Not that there's anything wrong with your premise,
307
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,622
but no, it wasn't us.
308
00:14:55,761 --> 00:14:57,058
We haven't done it in public
309
00:14:57,196 --> 00:14:59,994
since Lucky almost fell off a Ferris wheel.
310
00:15:03,035 --> 00:15:04,764
Kahn's going to get to us soon.
311
00:15:04,937 --> 00:15:07,167
Oh, God, we need an alibi.
312
00:15:07,339 --> 00:15:10,638
Okay, you lost a contact lens in the food car
313
00:15:10,809 --> 00:15:12,709
a-and I helped you find it.
314
00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:16,337
Because your glasses are non-prescription.
315
00:15:18,684 --> 00:15:21,175
With all due respect, Inspector,
316
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:23,481
them footprints are still on the mirrors
317
00:15:23,656 --> 00:15:26,318
and that's where the great Quincy would look first.
318
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:31,088
Hey, you right, Scarecrow.
319
00:15:31,263 --> 00:15:33,026
Okay, everybody going to stick their tootsies
320
00:15:33,198 --> 00:15:35,359
up to the mirror and we going to compare.
321
00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:37,398
That's how we identify the fornicators.
322
00:15:40,439 --> 00:15:42,464
My feet are smoking guns.
323
00:15:42,641 --> 00:15:45,166
Well, maybe Boomhauer's date has big feet, too.
324
00:15:45,311 --> 00:15:47,211
Hank, God would not make a girl deaf
325
00:15:47,346 --> 00:15:49,280
and give her size 16 feet.
326
00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:50,574
We are sunk.
327
00:15:57,423 --> 00:16:00,153
I never knew meerkats were such jerks.
328
00:16:00,326 --> 00:16:01,918
What are we doing?
329
00:16:02,061 --> 00:16:04,325
We said we were going to make a secret clubhouse
330
00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:06,488
and that's what we're going to do.
331
00:16:06,665 --> 00:16:08,155
Hey, wait, my dad says
332
00:16:08,334 --> 00:16:11,064
you've got a trapdoor in your parents' closet.
333
00:16:11,236 --> 00:16:12,726
He's been there lots of times.
334
00:16:12,905 --> 00:16:14,770
The crawlspace.
335
00:16:14,907 --> 00:16:17,398
Come on, guys. We're going down.
336
00:16:19,712 --> 00:16:21,907
John Redcorn, you first.
337
00:16:26,085 --> 00:16:27,916
This like dirty Cinderella.
338
00:16:29,755 --> 00:16:31,518
Okay, Redcorn, you off the hook.
339
00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:32,453
Next.
340
00:16:47,373 --> 00:16:49,603
We've got to do something.
341
00:16:49,742 --> 00:16:51,710
Create a diversion
342
00:16:51,877 --> 00:16:55,108
and I'll find a way to destroy the evidence.
343
00:16:55,247 --> 00:16:57,681
The brake, that's it, the Dead Man's Brake.
344
00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:16,959
Peggy Hill, you're up.
345
00:17:17,136 --> 00:17:19,036
Oh, yeah, you're right, I am up.
346
00:17:19,171 --> 00:17:20,695
Unless P.J. Or Bob or the waitress
347
00:17:20,906 --> 00:17:21,736
want to go next.
348
00:17:21,907 --> 00:17:23,169
After you, dearie.
349
00:17:23,342 --> 00:17:24,570
No, after you.
350
00:17:24,743 --> 00:17:26,472
I meant Peggy.
351
00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:33,183
Keep it moving. Keep it moving.
352
00:17:48,367 --> 00:17:49,629
What the hell happened?
353
00:17:49,868 --> 00:17:51,665
Some nut scared the tar out of me
354
00:17:51,837 --> 00:17:53,964
and the train thought I was dead.
355
00:17:54,106 --> 00:17:55,038
It was him.
356
00:17:56,442 --> 00:17:57,909
That disco bastard.
357
00:18:13,158 --> 00:18:14,819
Aw, evidence gone.
358
00:18:14,993 --> 00:18:16,187
Now we'll never know.
359
00:18:18,063 --> 00:18:19,997
First, you people try to wreck my train.
360
00:18:20,199 --> 00:18:21,723
Now you're having an orgy?
361
00:18:21,900 --> 00:18:23,868
Everybody off my train now.
362
00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:28,267
But you can't do that.
363
00:18:28,474 --> 00:18:30,101
Off now!
364
00:18:43,889 --> 00:18:46,221
By the looks of all the abandoned farm machinery,
365
00:18:46,425 --> 00:18:48,359
we're stranded in Outer Durndle.
366
00:18:48,494 --> 00:18:51,054
It looks very tetanus-y.
367
00:18:53,565 --> 00:18:56,659
This is Peggy's worst birthday ever.
368
00:18:56,869 --> 00:18:59,997
I should feel on top of the world, yet I'm not.
369
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:03,233
I feel strangely hollow inside.
370
00:19:05,444 --> 00:19:08,106
Peggy, wait!
371
00:19:08,247 --> 00:19:13,184
Peggy... Peggy.
372
00:19:13,352 --> 00:19:15,650
I just wanted one nice birthday,
373
00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:18,415
but no, I can't even have one.
374
00:19:18,590 --> 00:19:20,455
Well, I finally get the message.
375
00:19:20,626 --> 00:19:23,595
My birth is nothing to celebrate.
376
00:19:23,729 --> 00:19:24,957
Well, i-it is to me.
377
00:19:25,130 --> 00:19:27,530
Me, too. Me, too, Aunt Peggy.
378
00:19:27,699 --> 00:19:30,259
And me! You are special, sug.
379
00:19:30,502 --> 00:19:32,026
And today is a special day.
380
00:19:32,204 --> 00:19:33,193
Oh, yeah?
381
00:19:33,372 --> 00:19:36,205
Then why does it always stink?
382
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:39,811
This not working.
383
00:19:39,978 --> 00:19:41,502
Maybe that the ticket.
384
00:19:45,517 --> 00:19:46,711
Alcohol.
385
00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:48,683
It's a neon sign from God.
386
00:19:48,854 --> 00:19:50,287
My body wants a toddy.
387
00:19:50,489 --> 00:19:52,047
To the hooch.
388
00:19:52,224 --> 00:19:53,657
Well, Peggy?
389
00:19:53,825 --> 00:19:56,521
Why not?
390
00:20:06,872 --> 00:20:08,100
Who wants a soda?
391
00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:09,969
Me. Me.
392
00:20:12,644 --> 00:20:14,441
This is awesome.
393
00:20:28,393 --> 00:20:31,089
Disco's back.
394
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:32,162
I knew it.
395
00:20:32,364 --> 00:20:33,854
Well, all right.
396
00:20:36,001 --> 00:20:37,195
Y'all stay right there.
397
00:20:37,402 --> 00:20:38,801
I'm gonna go get my Technics turntable
398
00:20:38,971 --> 00:20:40,734
and my 12-inch dance mixes.
399
00:20:40,872 --> 00:20:43,363
Miss Gloria Gaynor coming up.
400
00:20:54,286 --> 00:20:57,312
You really enjoyed yourself this evening.
401
00:20:57,489 --> 00:20:59,081
Didn't you, Aunt Peggy?
402
00:21:00,225 --> 00:21:01,419
You know?
403
00:21:01,593 --> 00:21:03,857
Good for you.
404
00:21:03,996 --> 00:21:06,191
Happy birthday, Aunt Peggy.
405
00:21:52,144 --> 00:21:54,442
A Chubb Randolph production.
406
00:21:55,305 --> 00:22:55,522
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