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Make a wish, darlin'.
Ugh, I have had nothing
but lousy birthdays.
But getting robbed last year at Captain Bear's was the worst.
Worse than the flash flood or the food poisoning
or the year you got hit in the neck by a foul ball?
Yes. Well,
you've had some rough ones, all right.
The only one who seems to enjoy your birthday is Dale.
Well, this year,
I am finally gonna have a birthday
that Dale cannot gloat about.
We are going on a Murder Mystery Train.
That sounds great!
Aw, sorry, honey.
Kids aren't allowed.
Being a kid is not fair.
I'll bring you a place mat.
Here's what he'll be missing.
Huh.
"A Chubb Randolph Production."
It's a four-hour round trip to Durndle,
dinner inclusive.
Actors will be enacting a theme murder mystery,
and we get to solve it.
Theme?
Death Gets on the Guest List."
Disco, huh.
You sure they didn't have a "Murder at the Super Bowl" theme
or"Murder on a Bass Boat"?
It'll be fun, Hank.
Gotta get the funk, Hank!
On the dance floor!
That's right.
C'mon, rock the boat, Hank!
Do the bump-bump. Yeah!
Well, the whole idea
of a disco party makes my skin crawl,
but it means a lot to Peggy.
And it does involve a train.
I guess I'll just focus on that.
Ooh, I've got a mesh tank top I'm gonna wear!
I like the way it mats my body hair.
Good call, Bill.
We'll all trot out our disco finery
and wait for disaster to strike.
I bet that will happen
if the driver of the train is the murder victim.
Unfortunately, no.
All trains have a "Dead Man's Brake."
The driver has to keep his hand on the throttle at all times.
If the driver gets murdered and he takes his hand off,
the train will automatically come to a screeching,
but safe, halt.
So, this year when we tell Peggy happy birthday,
it won't sound sarcastic and mean.
Not a chance.
Peggy's had some classic stinkers before,
but this one could be a fiasco of spectacular proportions.
It could literally be a train wreck!
I am glittered, glammed, and ready to hustle!
Every thing feels tight.
And European.
Every stitch in your clothes
was made by DuPont.
Feel any better?
A little.
Now, Bobby, we're trusting you kids to stay right here
and keep out of trouble until your mother and I
have successfully completed her birthday.
Okay.
Studio 54.
I want to stand behind a velvet rope!
I feel a little guilty
that I'm gonna be the one solving the mystery.
Oh, really.
You sure about that, Lucky?
Yes, ma'am.
See, I've got an unfair advantage.
Thanks to TV Land reruns,
I'm a bit of a student of the NBC Mystery Wheel:
Columbo, McCloud, McMillan & Wife,
and the under appreciated prairie detective Hec Ramsey.
That was a good show.
I remember one where the murder weapon was a Gila monster.
Lovely lady,
I'm Lawrence Robbins,
although tonight I'll be playing Halston.
One of our actresses didn't show.
How would you like to be in the program?
All you have to do is be blond and pretty.
I can do both those things!
Follow me.
I'll tell you about your part.
Wait.
This is the longest we've ever been together
without our parents.
We've gotta do something
we could never do if they were around.
We could pee in places where pee isn't supposed to go.
Uh... Uh.
I know, let's make prank phone calls.
Mmm. Sounds too risky.
Everybody's got caller ID now.
What if we made a secret clubhouse?
You mean with passwords and secret knocks?
Cool!
Yeah, and we can use things
that aren't furniture as furniture.
And things that aren't urinals as urinals!
I'm in!
Hey, Peggy, happy birthday, man.
I want you to meet ol' dang ol' Rhonda here, man.
She's hearing... hearing-impaired,
but she communicates with dang ol' language of love,
you know, um, hot, man.
P.J., Bob, I'm so glad you could make it.
I thought you were gonna both be "plus one."
We decided to leave the wives at home tonight.
No chicks!
Hey, Hank Hill.
Remember the '70s?
My people ambushing your people in the jungle.
Look!
There's Jackie O.
This is wonderful.
I'm Conductor Nolan.
I am a railway employee
and am in no way affiliated with Chubb Randolph Productions.
I'm warning you now,
I am not going to put up with any foolishness.
I am empowered to take all necessary actions
to protect this train.
Done it before; I'll do it again.
Fun within prescribed limits.
This is gonna work!
All aboard!
Aunt Peggy, Uncle Hank!
I'm playing a model called Jerry Hall!
That is wonderful, honey.
Who is Roy Cohn?
Senator Joseph McCarthy's
pit bull lawyer.
A voracious man who took no quarter in the courtroom
or the amyl nitrate-perfumed lounges of Studio 54.
Why would he want to kill me, I mean, Jerry Hall?
No. Oh, no. No, Luanne, no.
Roy Cohn did it!
Aw, mystery blown!
Doggone it.
Let's go.
No, no, stay.
You could do improv!
No. Wait.
Please! Come back!
I was a fool to think this would go well.
Well, it's not so bad.
Your friends are here.
We're gonna have a nice dinner.
I'm sorry, everyone.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, baby doll, it's all right.
We've all messed up and given away the plot of something.
Take it from me.
"Fire" ain't the worst thing you can yell in a theater.
It's "Bruce Willis is dead!"
I'm sorry, but there's, um, been a problem,
uh... Spit it out!
The refrigeration went out
and the chicken and prime rib were spoiled,
and your ice cream birthday cake melted.
And there's no food!
We do have packets of cheese and crackers.
Well, you can make a pretty good meal
out of cheese and crackers.
Happy freakin' birthday to me.
What a cool place for a secret clubhouse!
I hope there are old textbooks up there
from when your parents were in school.
I hope there are mannequins!
I'm not going first.
You gotta go, Bobby,
'cause if your deformed twin brother's up there,
he should see your face first.
I guess you're right.
You know, I was thinking, sug.
Maybe we could play a game.
You know, get a tablecloth
and color some coasters with lipstick
and play "Twister."
Yeah, yeah. A game.
Not Nancy's game, but how' bout this?
We'll pick a letter and whoever calls out some thing they see
that begins with that letter, gets a point.
Like say, if the letter was "A,"
and you called out "I see an air vent," then you'd get a point.
"A" is for alcohol.
That's the only thing gonna save this party.
I demand a Tom Collins!
Sorry, sir.
Uh, we just entered Rumpert County.
It's a dry county.
And, for election reasons, it's long and horizontal,
so it's gonna take us about an hour to get through it.
You'll have to wait 'till then for an alcoholic beverage.
I guess this is kinda cool.
Isn't it?
There's nothing up here
except old exercise equipment.
This pink stuff is making my butt itch.
Now it's making my hand itch.
Now it's making everything itch.
Here,
feel it. Ew. Don't touch us.
Aunt Peggy and everybody,
I feel really, really terrible about spoiling the mystery.
But then I remembered I brought some friends along...
the Manger Babies!
No, dear God, no, not...
The Manger Babies!
Josea the Cat.
Meow meow.
Obadiah the Donkey.
Gurgle Gurgle the Octopus.
Gurgle, gurgle.
And Sir Reginald
Feather bottom III.
Pleasure to meet you. What, what.
Hey, guys,
there's an Andy Warholwig stuckin the back toilet.
I tried to get it out with Elton John sunglasses,
but, you know, they got stuck, too.
Oh, Peggy.
Oh, Hank!
I know you are trying so hard to make it all right,
but it's just not.
My birthday is ruined.
Again.
I can't take this.
They just left.
There's no cheese.
And Hank, I want
Did we just have, uh, relations in a public place?
Unless this is all a very weird dream, yes, we did.
How do you feel?
I feel... great.
Little does Dale know this is the best birthday ever.
Huh?
Oh... happy feet.
Guess what?
We have our mystery.
Oh, thank God.
Somebody did the nasty on this train
and we're gonna find out who.
There is no need to panic yet, Hank.
It'll be a disaster if we get caught, Peggy.
We're on a train.
That means we are at this very moment
under the jurisdiction of the Texas Railroad Commission.
Yes, so?
The railroad commission also regulates propane.
If what we did in that bathroom becomes public,
Strickland Propane could receive sanctions,
maybe even the propane death penalty.
Isn't this delicious?
I wonder who was naughty.
Lucky is on the case.
Now, that's usually what I say when I drink beer,
but this time it refers to this mystery.
I would not rule out sex-crazed hobos.
I wouldn't put it past a hobo.
You are not helping, Hank.
Attention, everyone.
I am Kahn Souphanousinphone.
Upon entering the lavatory,
I observed two sets of footprints,
one set pointing up and the other down...
evidence
of love most foul.
I discovered
the deplorable act.
I will find the perpetrators.
I will begin my questioning
with you, Dale Gribble.
Has your wife been out of your sight
for even five minutes?
No, she's been clingy all night.
I can verify that Nancy has not been out of Dale's sight at all.
I don't have an alibi.
You're Bill Dauterive.
That your alibi... airtight.
What are you people up to?
Oh, we just playing charades.
You can stay and play if you want.
The category is "Book."
Something went on here and when I find out what it was,
I'm gonna exercise my authority.
My full authority.
His full authority, Peggy.
Okay, back to business.
Lucky Kleinschmidt.
It was you and Luanne, wasn't it?
You trying to get in as much hanky-panky as you can
before she has her baby.
Not that there's anything wrong with your premise,
but no, it wasn't us.
We haven't done it in public
since Lucky almost fell off a Ferris wheel.
Kahn's going to get to us soon.
Oh, God, we need an alibi.
Okay, you lost a contact lens in the food car
a-and I helped you find it.
Because your glasses are non-prescription.
With all due respect, Inspector,
them footprints are still on the mirrors
and that's where the great Quincy would look first.
Hey, you right, Scarecrow.
Okay, everybody going to stick their tootsies
up to the mirror and we going to compare.
That's how we identify the fornicators.
My feet are smoking guns.
Well, maybe Boomhauer's date has big feet, too.
Hank, God would not make a girl deaf
and give her size 16 feet.
We are sunk.
I never knew meerkats were such jerks.
What are we doing?
We said we were going to make a secret clubhouse
and that's what we're going to do.
Hey, wait, my dad says
you've got a trapdoor in your parents' closet.
He's been there lots of times.
The crawlspace.
Come on, guys. We're going down.
John Redcorn, you first.
This like dirty Cinderella.
Okay, Redcorn, you off the hook.
Next.
We've got to do something.
Create a diversion
and I'll find a way to destroy the evidence.
The brake, that's it, the Dead Man's Brake.
Peggy Hill, you're up.
Oh, yeah, you're right, I am up.
Unless P.J. Or Bob or the waitress
want to go next.
After you, dearie.
No, after you.
I meant Peggy.
Keep it moving. Keep it moving.
What the hell happened?
Some nut scared the tar out of me
and the train thought I was dead.
It was him.
That disco bastard.
Aw, evidence gone.
Now we'll never know.
First, you people try to wreck my train.
Now you're having an orgy?
Everybody off my train now.
But you can't do that.
Off now!
By the looks of all the abandoned farm machinery,
we're stranded in Outer Durndle.
It looks very tetanus-y.
This is Peggy's worst birthday ever.
I should feel on top of the world, yet I'm not.
I feel strangely hollow inside.
Peggy, wait!
Peggy... Peggy.
I just wanted one nice birthday,
but no, I can't even have one.
Well, I finally get the message.
My birth is nothing to celebrate.
Well, i-it is to me.
Me, too. Me, too, Aunt Peggy.
And me! You are special, sug.
And today is a special day.
Oh, yeah?
Then why does it always stink?
This not working.
Maybe that the ticket.
Alcohol.
It's a neon sign from God.
My body wants a toddy.
To the hooch.
Well, Peggy?
Why not?
Who wants a soda?
Me. Me.
This is awesome.
Disco's back.
I knew it.
Well, all right.
Y'all stay right there.
I'm gonna go get my Technics turntable
and my 12-inch dance mixes.
Miss Gloria Gaynor coming up.
You really enjoyed yourself this evening.
Didn't you, Aunt Peggy?
You know?
Good for you.
Happy birthday, Aunt Peggy.
A Chubb Randolph production.
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