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Hank, are you doing the dishes?
Nope, just watching things float.
It's time for this year's Arlen Homemade Boat Regatta.
I was just doing a little brainstorming.
All right!
The Regatta's coming up?
I love watching those crazy boats!
It's like the river's filled
with giant bath toys!
Well, we set the bar pretty high last year.
How do you top a Cowboys helmet?
Huh.
I wonder if I could make Tom Landry's head
from two-by-fours.
Hey, this says the regatta is for contestants 13 and older.
Yeah, the Arlen River's not as tame as it looks.
No, I meant, I'm 13.
I know. So why don't you and I enter a boat together?
You...
You'd want to build a boat with me?
Regatta, regatta, regatta!
I don't know if it's more fun to do or say!
I can feel it.
This is the year we crush the competition
and take home the gold!
Colored trophy.
Guys, I've got great news!
Bobby and I are going to enter a boat this year.
That's great! Good for Bobby!
Wow, you'll really have your hands full, Hank.
Building two boats.
Well, no, it's just gonna be the one boat.
With Bobby.
But... But...
Regatta!
You are now our sworn enemy.
Leave us!
I can't believe I have to explain this.
My son wants to build a boat.
Away with you!
Turn back, Hank.
Turn back.
Turn back!
When did young girls start dressing like tramps?
Mm-hmm.
They call them prosti-tots.
A bargain bin!
This is perfect.
While Hank and Bobby are boat building,
I can rediscover my love of classic used literature!
And I can catch up on those books
with the long-haired Hercules in the ripped shin.
Ocean of Passion.
50 cents.
Sold!
Wait a second.
Is that an ology?!
Oh, yeah!
Sociology 101!
Wait. There's more!
Anthropology,
psychology, chemistrolo...
Oh, no, chemistry.
Bobby,
there's something I've been wanting
to give you for a long time,
but I was saving it for our first father-son project.
Look at this hammer!
It's so tiny!
Yeah, I, uh, kind of thought
this day would come a few years earlier.
Are we gonna fill those jugs with diet soda and Mentos
to create a super rocket boost?!
No, we won't be doing that.
We're gonna take those bottles
and brace them together
for a slick, unsinkable foundation.
Oh, well, I guess you got this pan under control.
How about I be the crepe paper and feathers guy,
and you take care of everything else?
Bobby, this is a team boat.
That means we work together every step of the way.
Every step?
Even the boring ones?
Especially the boring ones.
Okay.
I just need you to catch the wood
as it comes off the saw.
You know
what I'm excited about?
What?
I was saying how
our boat's gonna be the best one in the regatta!
Who picks the winners?
Is that a panel, or...?
We have to build the boat first.
Let's concentrate on that.
Hey,
I can barely see through my goggles.
Dang it, what now?
I was just wondering
how come my goggles are fogging up and yours aren't?
Is my breath moister than yours?
Tell you what.
Why don't you stand over there while I cut this piece?
Can do.
Hows it going out there?
Bobby's not doing anything.
He's just talking.
Maybe I'll send him to the store for glitter and puffy paint
while I build this thing myself.
Hank, this always happens
when you work with Bobby on something.
You have what psychology textbook writers refer to as...
a controlling personality.
You try to work as a team,
but end up doing everything yourself.
That's because Bobby doesn't know how to do anything.
Hank, you have to let Bobby learn
from his own mistakes.
Will he lose a finger?
Maybe.
But he will gain a finger of knowledge in his brain.
Okay, we need to fasten these
into secure rows to support our base,
and we'll use a... uh...
Well, what do you think we should use?
How about rubber bands?
The big kind Wile Coyote uses
to slingshot himself at the Roadrunner?
Okay, uh, we're gonna try
metal bracing rods secured with glue.
Think you can handle some gluing?
Ten years of macaroni artwork experience says, yes, I can!
Uh, dang it.
I think I left my clamps inside
when I was aligning the condiments
in your mother's spice rack.
Hang on.
What them?
Ugh!
Dad, help!
Something's out here!
Help!
I'm lossing my grip!
Dad, I can't do this by myself!
We're supposed to be a team!
Dad! The door won't open!
Dad!
So, Dad,
what happened back there?
There was a bat.
Uh, yeah, I saw.
I meant, what happened with you?
I needed your help, and when I ran for the door,
it-it felt like you were holding it shut.
Bobby, please!
Your father would never leave you alone with a bat!
Hank, why did you leave Bobby alone with a bat?
I-I didn't.
The-the door was jammed, and I-I had
to guard the house because...
bats always fly into women's hair.
You've seen the movies.
That's why I held the door shut.
Well, you just said the door was jammed.
I know that!
Dad, are you afraid of bats?
What?
That's crazy!
I'd rather not get rabies,
if that's what you're asking.
Wait. You are scared of bats!
Wow, Dad.
I didn't think anything could scare you.
Look, I...
Bats are disgusting, okay?
Disgusting and evil.
Everyone knows that!
Well, evil creature or not,
the regatta's a week away,
and we got a boat to finish.
Are you ready, Dad?
Uh... I-I'll be right there.
Halt!
Enemy approaching!
Ha! Resorted to spying, have we?
I don't care what you're doing, Dale.
I just need your help getting rid of a... a-a bat.
A bat?
Why, certainly.
Let me just finish up here.
Thanks. I need to get back in to help Bobby,
but I can't go near that garage with that thing in there.
By the way,
we chose a theme
for our boat that you may enjoy.
What do you think?
Sh-sh... sha!
That's a boat?
Not just a boat.
Sh-sh... sha!
Behold...
The Dracula 5000!
The Transylvania Express!
Get that thing away from me!
Your secret is out!
Bobby told Joseph.
Joseph told Nancy, and Nancy told me.
And I told everybody!
You don't stand a chance against our bat boat, Hank!
As for your bat problem,
my answer is...
That's bat for, "Get lost, traitor!"
You don't like bats?
Well, neither do I.
That's why I'm calling you.
I don't know what kind of bat it is.
No, I will not look at its belly.
Come on, Dad!
We're behind schedule!
Oh, the hell With it.
You can do this.
Nothing to fear.
Problem, Hank?
Peggy!
You, uh... You startled me.
You are suffering from a textbook case of phobia.
No, that's not true. I just...
Hank, I fixed Bobby.
Let me fix you, too.
You know, I've always loved that clock.
Especially the pendulum.
Look at the pendulum, Hank.
Let's watch
as it swings, shall we?
Back and forth,
back and forth.
Tell me, Hank, did you resent your mother
when she stopped breastfeeding you?
What?!
Dad, you can take your time getting out there.
I started up on my own.
I connected the base, and got going on a platform.
Well, Bobby, that's great!
You finished step B, then you moved on to step C!
Yeah. Now, if you'll excuse me,
I don't want to lose this momentum.
Bobby's got momentum.
Hows the boat coming, Hank?
You know, the one
you're not building?
Bobby's taking care of the boat.
I guess all those years watching me work
has finally sunk in.
Wow! Bobby is a work machine.
Bobby, Bobby, what are you doing?
I noticed that your maintenance work on the house
has been lacking lately,
so I figured I'd take a quick look at the gutters.
The gutters are fine.
Yep, there's your gutter goop right there,
just like I figured.
Well, I wanted to check the gutters the other day,
but the ladder was in the garage, so...
How about you make yourself useful
and throw that away for me?
Amazing.
Bobby has taken over as man of the house.
You've been demoted to Bobby of the house.
At this rate it won't belong till he's... mowing your lawn.
ls that the power drill?
My plans don't call for a power drill.
It's not just a tool.
It's an electric metaphor.
Bobby is empowered and he's drilling the point home.
Building a boat is a big job, and he needs my help.
Besides, Bobby shouldn't feel good about himself
just because I have a... a flaw.
It is an important step in development, Hank,
for a child to see a parent as human,
with weaknesses and vulnerabilities.
I'm glad it was you and not me.
Did you cap off those PVC pipes?
Yes, Dad.
And you made sure they were level?
Why don't you just come in here and see?
Frank sleeps during the day.
Frank? You named the bat?
We're practically roommates.
Whew.
So, uh, where were we?
See, if you spackle brown paint on PVC pipe, you got bamboo,
and to me, that just cries out "tiki hut."
Wait, you moved on to design work already?
You haven't even sealed your flashings.
Yeah, yeah, I'll gel to it eventually.
For now, I got tiki on the brain,
so I'm going to roll with that.
You can't just skip basic steps.
There were blueprints.
Oh, and FYI, I think I'm going to remodel this place,
make it less garage-y, more Bobby.
What?
I have never cared
for the layout of this thing.
No, not my pegboard.
My hacksaw.
The crescent wrench!
My needle-nose pliers.
Guys, I need your help getting over my fear of bats.
I haven't been in my garage all week.
I'm not even contributing to the boat.
Well, then you're not really even on a team.
All right, we win!
Okay, fine, you win.
I just need to help Bobby.
He's not listening to me anymore,
and I just know his boat is going to sink
as soon as it hits the water.
Fine, if you want to kick this phobia square in the pants,
there's only one friend you need...
Liddy. Liddy?
Comma G. Gordon.
Nixon's former everything man is a master of self-discipline,
who knew that to conquer a fear, one must engage it.
Okay.
As a teen, Liddy feared rats
until he stalked, killed,
and ate one.
I am not eating a bat, Dale.
That's unfortunate; I think we all would have enjoyed that.
What else did Liddy try?
Hmm... to overcome a fear of lightning,
he tied him self to a tree
in the middle of a thunderstorm.
Tied him self to a tree, huh?
Hmm.
Let's make Hank eat a bat.
Welcome to Bat Bridge,
home to 20,000 of Arlen's thirstiest neck nobblers.
Uh, I-I'm sorry, did you say thousand?
We've been through a lot together, Hank.
Somehow, I always knew it would come to this.
The bats come out at sunset.
Soon, the wing-ed, fang-ed swarm will emerge
from under that bridge
to feast on these gnats that will encircle your head.
Uh, you know, just thinking about what I'm going to do
has actually gotten me over my fear.
Yep, pretty clever, Dale.
Come on, let's go grab a beer.
My dad's designs were good.
But were they coolest-boat- in-the-regatta good?
They were not.
Dude, this boat is awesome.
It makes me want to drink a pineapple.
I want to see it in action.
Yeah, this lacks perspective.
My friends, let's sail.
You'll be cured in no time,
right after the bats fly out and swarm your face
while flicking their dirty tongues against your cheeks.
You know, I'm hogging all the attention.
We've all got fears.
What about Bill's fear of balloons?
Where?!
He's just stalling.
Come on, Bill, let's grab some grub.
We'll be back when you're cured.
Good luck, Hank.
Bobby?
I'm king of the wor...!
Ugh, uh-oh.
Guys, I'm in trouble here!
Bobby! Bobby!
We were each expecting the other to pay.
Turns out neither one of us has money.
May I, Hank?
Get your hand out of my pocket and unchain me.
Bobbys boat's falling apart.
He's going to sink.
Guys!
Bobby's gonna sink!
Let me go, you idiots!
Come on.
Aah... Aahh!
Excuse me.
I have mastered the freshman curriculum
and would like to further my education.
What do you recommend?
Alls we gots is what we gots.
Vaya con dios.
Perhaps I've learned all this store has to teach.
Huh.
"Mary Alison was shy, reserved, naive in the ways of love.
That was about to change."
Oh.
Bobby.
Dad!
Are you okay? No.
I got water pouring in,
the front corners dropping hard,
and my floor has totally quit on me.
What are you doing?
We're sinking.
Not yet. Come on, Bobby.
You've worked too hard to just give up.
We can save it.
Looks like you secured your base rows to your floorboards
but not to each other,
and three of your tanks are filling with water.
You must have pierced them with the drill.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
First we need a way to hold your flooring together.
Uh... what about the flags?
Good thinking; tear them off.
Um...
Dad?
Come on, I need you to tie this into a knot
and get the other straps around the base.
But we're coming up on the bridge.
It's okay.
We're doing fine.
We just need to get this flooring bound together.
Bobby, stay with me.
You need to tie the next two straps.
I'm going to dislodge the punctured tanks.
Come on, Bobby,
focus on the boat.
You can do this.
Quick, switch spots with me.
You're doing great.
Well, this is a nice boat you've got here.
Maybe for the regatta, we could add some hula ladies,
play some Don Ho on the boom box.
Okay, hear me out.
You know, I really can't think about that now, Dad.
We've got some floatation issues we need to address.
I could barely breathe.
Those ugly little devils were everywhere.
Oh, my God.
But my dad was in the zone.
He didn't even flinch.
It was amazing.
So I tied the flooring while my dad pried the tanks loose.
It seemed like forever,
but we got her afloat and out of the cave
just as a million bats exploded out into the night!
Incredible.
Hank,
you kicked your fears butt.
Yep.
Somehow I always knew it would come to this.
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