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Lucky, they have baby ballerina tutus!
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And fuzzy hoodie jammies with bunny ears!
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Like a teeny fuzzy bunny baby!
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That's real nice, Luanne.
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Why don't you buy the baby stuff... my treat.
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Oh, thank you.
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I just need your credit card number.
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Oh, I don't have a credit card.
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Now, if the computer will accept cash
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or my word of honor...
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You don't have a credit card?
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But you're a grown man.
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Yes, I am.
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We are going to have a baby,
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and it needs a normal family.
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I mean, there's no grandma and grandpa,
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because Mama's away in prison,
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and Daddy's off at sea working on his oil rig.
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Normal families buy things on credit cards!
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Then, as the daddy, I will do the righteous thing.
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I will apply for a credit card.
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Uncle Hank,
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will you check my spelling on my application?
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Well, sure, Lucky.
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I, uh... hmm.
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Here, under "employer," you put Costco.
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You never worked for Costco.
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No, but Costco gave me the "slip on pee-pee" money
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for my settlement.
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"Pee-pee money" is not an employment history, and look,
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you left your social security number blank.
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Oh, I don't have one of them social cards.
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Or a driver's license.
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My dad always said a man's wallet
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should only hold cash, a razor blade
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and a lucky poker chip.
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Lucky, is that the son of father
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you want to be to your child?
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I can see you have a point.
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Problem is, I have no idea how to get
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any of these cards and things.
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Okay, I'll help, but you have to be serious.
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I am gonna make appointments for you,
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and you are gonna keep 'em.
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Will this involve wearing a watch?
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Yes, it will.
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Then so be it.
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Well, it'll be hard work
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helping Lucky, but fun, too.
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Just don't fix his teeth, Hank.
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It's the one thing I have on him.
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Which one of you fellas ordered
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two dozen 39-foot aluminum rails?
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That would be me.
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Gentlemen, I'm sure you recall my long-dreamt dream
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of building a guard tower in my yard.
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Dale, the Zoning Board
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has turned you down six times.
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The last refusal was "with extreme prejudice."
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True, but for a structure under 40 feet,
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no variance is needed.
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Soon, you'll live under the protection
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of my 39-foot guard tower.
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The Zoning Board has no say.
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Dale, that is...
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No say!
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Now, if you help me build it,
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I'll give each of you a tier
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in the tower of power.
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Oh, I want a tier!
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Yello?
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Hoyt.
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Well, of course I'm fine. Where are you?
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Aunt Peggy! To Arlen?
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Well, do you have a place to stay?
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Of course.
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Did you know Luanne is having a baby?
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You will be a grandfather.
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Aunt Peggy, who is it?
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Call when you get here.
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Luanne, that was your father.
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Daddy? On the oil rig?
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Well, why didn't you let me talk to him?
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Well, he only had a three minute coffee break.
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They are very strict on the oil rigs.
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Did you hear that, baby?
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Your grandpa is coming to visit you.
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We were overdoing it on salty snacks,
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so I put out some crudites.
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So, uh, Peggy,
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I finally get to meet your brother.
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An oil man and a propane man.
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Two energy professionals in the same family.
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It truly is a momentous family day.
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That's why I wore my good bolo tie,
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not the one with the skull.
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My daddy and my baby daddy
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will be together in one room.
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Now the baby will have, like... heritage!
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There's the taxi. I'd better get the door.
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My kid sister!
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Look at you, you ain't changed a bit!
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And look at you, letting yourself
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into my home without my help.
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Hank Hill.
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It's nice to finally meet you, Hoyt.
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Thrilled to meet you, too, Hank!
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Ooh, who's this foxy little number?
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Hoyt, that's your daughter, Luanne.
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Daddy!
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Hey!
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Last time I saw you, you were a princess this high.
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And now you're a grown-up beauty queen!
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So, uh, Hoyt...
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Time for presents!
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This is for you, my sister.
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Oh...
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Oh! Lottery tickets!
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And you were kind enough to scratch them.
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And here's something for this kid of yours.
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My name is Bobby, Uncle Hoyt.
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A doll?
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Peggy, I could've swore you told me
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you had a little girl.
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Sorry, champ.
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Okay, Luanne, it's for you.
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I love it!
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Uh, Peggy?
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You and I need to, um, check on the roast
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while Hoyt and Luanne have some time together.
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Shoot! That's right.
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I forgot to pay the cab driver outside.
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Could somebody pay him for me?
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Uh... uh... okay.
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Peggy, what the hell is going on here?
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Your brother has not been working on an oil rig.
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You are right, and I am sorry.
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Hank, the truth is...
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Hoyt just got out of prison.
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What? No!
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Now we're a normal family.
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How could you not tell me
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your own brother is a convict?
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I was trying to protect Luanne.
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You know she'd be crushed
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if she knew the truth about her father.
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But you could've told me!
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Look, Hoyt's had a troubled past,
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but he's here now, and I want to try to help him.
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I don't know, Peggy.
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Are you sure he's help-able?
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Well, he just needs good influences, Hank.
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Like what you're doing with Lucky.
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Well, I guess it's worth a try.
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Hoyt is family, after all.
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Then we are agreed.
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All we have to do is fix all of Lucky's problems,
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reform my brother and keep his prison record
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a secret from Luanne... Piece of cake.
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Well, we're doing great on our list, Lucky.
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Now, later today, we'll go see my guy about a will.
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You want to make sure the right people inherit your debts.
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I feel I am in good hands.
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This'll put the fire out, right, guys?
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Here.
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Have a beer with me.
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Uh, it's just one, Uncle Hank.
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I'll be straight when we meet your guy.
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County regulations come into force
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if the structure's area is ten by ten feet.
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So, we must be exactly nine and nine-tenths feet
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by nine and nine-tenths feet.
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Tell you what, man, talking 'bout ol' sly fox, man.
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Dang ol' meaning of "is" is.
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You know, man, I...
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Man, I miss the ol' 90s, man.
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What happens to a dream deferred?
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Does it dry up, like a raisin in the sun?
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Or does it rise to a height of exactly 39 feet,
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teaching the Zoning Board who not to mess with?
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I know the answer!
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And soon, Bill, so will they.
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So, now you're free.
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For Luanne's sake, and for your own sake, Hoyt,
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now you have got to straighten out.
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This is fantastic coffee, Peggy.
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Thank you, but please stay on topic.
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I will work with you to help, but the key word here is 'Work."
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That's what I am here to straighten out.
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I know we can do it... Together, you and me.
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Hi, Daddy!
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And Luanne!
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I invited her for breakfast.
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I hope that was okay. Hey, sweetums!
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So, today, I'll fix a special breakfast
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for my special girl.
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A special breakfast!
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Yay!
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Well, you two enjoy yourselves.
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Daddy, I've always wanted to ask...
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You know what, darlin'? We need some more eggs.
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Can you lend me some money to go to buy the eggs?
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Of course! Is ten dollars enough?
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Can you make it more like 50?
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Mm-hmm. Great!
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I'll be back so quick, you'll call me...
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Quickie McGee!
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It's amazing.
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Uncle Hank, I never dreamed
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that being a straight-up citizen
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involved so much work.
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Well, here's the form you need.
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And soon you'll need this.
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Voter registration.
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It's your magic key to jury duty.
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Luanne, how was breakfast with your father?
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I don't know.
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He hasn't come back yet.
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What if Daddy got lost?
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Hello?
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Uh-huh.
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Yeah, I understand. How much?
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Whoo-hoo!
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Whoo-hoo! Yeah, baby!
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See?
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Told you I was good for it.
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You know what, Hoyt?
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Maybe I shouldn't bail you out.
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Maybe this gentleman should just take you out back,
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and teach you whatever son of lesson
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he is teaching these days.
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Maybe.
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But how would you explain my busted face to Luanne?
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She's kinda in a fragile state; I think that might upset her.
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Hey, sorry to interrupt,
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but since you're both here now,
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how about some Double Trouble?
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Not a chance.
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Look, it's my job to ask.
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My boss is standing right here.
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I've defied the government,
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and yet I cannot be punished for it.
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He wept, because there were no more worlds to conquer.
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Yeah, yeah, redneck claim illegal,
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but there gotta be something wrong with it!
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Because it built by rednecks!
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Get out here, and don't stop inspecting
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till you find fault!
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I wonder where daddy has been all this time?
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Tonight we were going to look
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through our family photo album together.
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Don't worry, beautiful.
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He's probably busy
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making important oil phone calls.
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Janine! You there?!
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Janine!
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I'm Lucky, Dad.
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You're in Arlen.
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Hi, Daddy!
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Uh, baby girl, uh,
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I need some time alone with your daddy,
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you know, to talk about father stuff.
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Go to bed early, get your baby sleep.
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Good idea.
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G'night, Daddy!
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I'm a lot better now.
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Here, I owe you.
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See, on the oil rig, these are like money.
270
00:12:37,389 --> 00:12:40,768
Dad, were you in the state oil rig,
271
00:12:40,926 --> 00:12:42,098
or the federal?
272
00:12:42,294 --> 00:12:44,069
Smart man!
273
00:12:46,732 --> 00:12:49,542
That means we're like family.
274
00:12:49,702 --> 00:12:52,182
Say I got ten cigarettes,
275
00:12:52,338 --> 00:12:54,375
and you pay me ten more for watching your back.
276
00:12:54,540 --> 00:12:55,814
Now how many I got?
277
00:12:55,941 --> 00:12:56,817
Twenty.
278
00:12:56,942 --> 00:12:58,683
No, only 15,
279
00:12:58,844 --> 00:13:00,653
'cause I gotta pay a tax to the guard.
280
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:03,420
Cigarette math is full of surprises.
281
00:13:03,549 --> 00:13:04,926
Hey, let's go downtown
282
00:13:05,084 --> 00:13:06,358
and I'll buy you some pancakes.
283
00:13:06,519 --> 00:13:08,021
Sorry, no,
284
00:13:08,154 --> 00:13:11,101
I have an appointment with Uncle Hank at the DMV.
285
00:13:11,257 --> 00:13:13,737
I'm pulling rank here on Uncle Hank.
286
00:13:13,859 --> 00:13:16,863
Pancakes, pancakes, pancakes!
287
00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:23,204
Number 56, Window C.
288
00:13:23,402 --> 00:13:25,348
Ugh, dang it.
289
00:13:25,504 --> 00:13:30,317
Uh, sir, I apologize on behalf of Citizen 56.
290
00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:32,513
Please don't judge him harshly.
291
00:13:32,678 --> 00:13:34,680
He's a good man, you have to believe me.
292
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:37,488
I promise you this will never happen again.
293
00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:41,392
57.Window C.
294
00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:44,398
Dang it.
295
00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:46,434
So he says, 'Wait,
296
00:13:46,592 --> 00:13:48,538
that ain't no chocolate cake!"
297
00:13:50,229 --> 00:13:51,799
You are funny, Dad.
298
00:13:51,931 --> 00:13:54,070
Had to do something to pass the time.
299
00:13:54,266 --> 00:13:56,473
I'm gonna go pay the check.
300
00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:01,511
Lucky, it's 10:00.
301
00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:03,551
Where the heck are you?
302
00:14:03,709 --> 00:14:05,586
Oh, no! Uncle Hank!
303
00:14:05,744 --> 00:14:07,519
Walk with me, Lucky.
304
00:14:09,949 --> 00:14:10,791
Those two.
305
00:14:10,950 --> 00:14:12,327
Hey! Get back here!
306
00:14:12,451 --> 00:14:14,988
Run with me, Lucky.
307
00:14:20,492 --> 00:14:22,028
Sorry. I was alone at the register,
308
00:14:22,194 --> 00:14:24,003
and it was open, and there were all these beautiful
309
00:14:24,129 --> 00:14:25,164
hundred dollar bills!
310
00:14:27,399 --> 00:14:28,707
Get back here!
311
00:14:28,901 --> 00:14:29,845
Police!
312
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:34,380
Damn it! This way!
313
00:14:42,281 --> 00:14:43,783
Damn this state!
314
00:14:43,949 --> 00:14:45,189
Damn it!
315
00:14:45,384 --> 00:14:46,624
I have to tell you something important.
316
00:14:46,785 --> 00:14:48,059
What, Dad?
317
00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:49,392
I've been to prison more than once.
318
00:14:49,521 --> 00:14:51,296
And if they find me with all this money,
319
00:14:51,457 --> 00:14:53,164
that's strike three and I'm going away for good!
320
00:14:53,292 --> 00:14:55,636
Dad, that's... that's awful.
321
00:14:55,761 --> 00:14:57,536
If they found this money on you instead,
322
00:14:57,696 --> 00:14:59,232
they'd go easy on you.
323
00:14:59,398 --> 00:15:01,036
And Luanne wouldn't have to have her heart broken.
324
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:02,702
There they are.
325
00:15:04,536 --> 00:15:06,482
Don't move.
326
00:15:06,605 --> 00:15:07,879
All right.
327
00:15:08,007 --> 00:15:08,917
Give me the money.
328
00:15:11,477 --> 00:15:13,423
Hands up. I surrender.
329
00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:16,788
I, the guilty party, am not arm ed.
330
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:20,227
Please do not harm my innocent friend here.
331
00:15:25,057 --> 00:15:26,092
Whew!
332
00:15:26,258 --> 00:15:28,431
That's close.
333
00:15:35,267 --> 00:15:37,338
We were going to be normal!
334
00:15:37,503 --> 00:15:39,414
But now the baby will be born
335
00:15:39,571 --> 00:15:41,517
with a criminal record!
336
00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:45,053
You've ruined everything!
337
00:15:45,244 --> 00:15:46,814
Hey! Keep it down, will ya?
338
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:49,483
Sorry, sir, but she's very upset.
339
00:15:49,648 --> 00:15:51,992
She's upset?! I'm in freakin' jail!
340
00:15:52,117 --> 00:15:56,122
Why couldn't you be more like Daddy?
341
00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:00,164
Why would you throw away everything we worked for?
342
00:16:00,326 --> 00:16:02,363
We were even getting you into Triple-A.
343
00:16:02,528 --> 00:16:03,939
Luanne needs her daddy.
344
00:16:04,096 --> 00:16:06,133
I can't let him leave her again.
345
00:16:06,265 --> 00:16:08,142
I did what had to be done.
346
00:16:10,502 --> 00:16:12,504
Dang it. It was Hoyt.
347
00:16:12,671 --> 00:16:14,412
You're innocent, aren't you?
348
00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:16,042
I don't know how innocent I'd feel
349
00:16:16,241 --> 00:16:18,847
if I'd let Luanne's daddy go to prison forever.
350
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:21,424
Thank you for helping with my identity, though.
351
00:16:21,547 --> 00:16:25,324
You'll be interested to know that I now have fingerprints.
352
00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:30,124
Intruder alert!
353
00:16:30,289 --> 00:16:31,597
Danger!
354
00:16:31,757 --> 00:16:33,964
This thing is paying for itself already.
355
00:16:34,126 --> 00:16:35,799
Gribble, I bring a county building inspector
356
00:16:35,961 --> 00:16:38,373
to condemn your eyesore.
357
00:16:38,497 --> 00:16:39,703
Inspect away!
358
00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:41,436
You can't touch me.
359
00:16:41,633 --> 00:16:43,613
This towers only 99 feet square,
360
00:16:43,802 --> 00:16:45,179
it's non-residential,
361
00:16:45,304 --> 00:16:47,750
and it doesn't even have a foundation.
362
00:16:47,906 --> 00:16:49,283
Hold-Hold on for a minute.
363
00:16:49,475 --> 00:16:51,648
With a base that narrow and has no foundation?
364
00:16:51,777 --> 00:16:53,222
Forget the law for a minute.
365
00:16:53,345 --> 00:16:55,416
Are you a complete imbecile?
366
00:16:55,547 --> 00:16:57,424
Imbecile, eh?
367
00:16:57,549 --> 00:16:59,927
I fail to take your meaning, sir.
368
00:17:01,453 --> 00:17:02,693
Huh?
369
00:17:04,556 --> 00:17:06,126
Whoa... aah!
370
00:17:10,896 --> 00:17:12,637
Well, that changes things.
371
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:17,840
Inspector, fine this redneck for reckless redneck-itude.
372
00:17:21,907 --> 00:17:23,614
You tried your best to help him,
373
00:17:23,742 --> 00:17:25,278
but helping time is over.
374
00:17:25,444 --> 00:17:27,788
An innocent man is going to prison.
375
00:17:27,946 --> 00:17:29,482
I just need to try harder.
376
00:17:29,615 --> 00:17:31,094
He-He's my brother, Hank.
377
00:17:32,284 --> 00:17:33,695
What really gets me is,
378
00:17:33,819 --> 00:17:35,958
you know Hoyt's just gonna screw up again
379
00:17:36,088 --> 00:17:37,965
and get a third strike anyway.
380
00:17:38,090 --> 00:17:40,798
I don't know what to do.
381
00:17:40,926 --> 00:17:41,927
Hey, Dad.
382
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:43,734
I was talking to Uncle Hoyt.
383
00:17:43,862 --> 00:17:46,604
Is it true, if I got caught at a crime,
384
00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:49,042
they'd let me go because I'm just a kid?
385
00:17:49,201 --> 00:17:50,509
Why did he tell you that?
386
00:17:50,702 --> 00:17:53,683
He says, the system is surprising.
387
00:17:53,839 --> 00:17:57,184
Like, he says, Luanne would never go to jail
388
00:17:57,342 --> 00:18:00,346
because a jury would think she's too pretty.
389
00:18:03,215 --> 00:18:04,717
Bobby, go to your room
390
00:18:04,850 --> 00:18:06,227
and alphabetize your troll dolls.
391
00:18:06,385 --> 00:18:08,456
Okay.
392
00:18:08,620 --> 00:18:11,294
Hoyt would eventually take us all down, wouldn't he?
393
00:18:13,292 --> 00:18:14,566
All right, then.
394
00:18:14,693 --> 00:18:17,003
We are getting him his third strike.
395
00:18:26,004 --> 00:18:27,950
Hoyt, we're going out for dinner.
396
00:18:28,073 --> 00:18:30,144
We'll be gone for several hours.
397
00:18:30,275 --> 00:18:31,948
Great. Enjoy!
398
00:18:32,077 --> 00:18:33,818
You know, Hank, why don't you drive?
399
00:18:33,979 --> 00:18:36,118
That way, I can leave my car keys here at home,
400
00:18:36,248 --> 00:18:38,194
right here next to my purse.
401
00:18:55,267 --> 00:18:56,541
What the hay.
402
00:19:00,239 --> 00:19:01,616
Oh, hell!
403
00:19:03,008 --> 00:19:04,419
Oh, you guys got it all wrong!
404
00:19:06,545 --> 00:19:08,616
That stuff wasn't for me; it was for my daughter!
405
00:19:09,414 --> 00:19:10,586
She self-medicates!
406
00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:12,687
Her name is Luanne Platter!
407
00:19:12,851 --> 00:19:13,989
I can tell you where she lives!
408
00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:20,163
Hank, you got to get me out of here.
409
00:19:20,325 --> 00:19:21,861
This was a mistake.
410
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:23,166
You're not getting out of this, Hoyt.
411
00:19:23,328 --> 00:19:24,966
You're in too deep.
412
00:19:25,130 --> 00:19:28,202
Lucky, there's no reason to take the rap for him now.
413
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,175
Won't do him any good.
414
00:19:30,369 --> 00:19:31,905
N-Not so fast!
415
00:19:32,070 --> 00:19:33,515
I mean, don't put ideas in the man's head.
416
00:19:33,672 --> 00:19:35,345
There's still got to be some kind of way.
417
00:19:35,474 --> 00:19:37,681
Hoyt, listen... you're done.
418
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:40,084
Now, the decent thing would be for you to confess
419
00:19:40,245 --> 00:19:42,782
and get Lucky off, so he and your daughter
420
00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:45,088
can get their lives started the right way.
421
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:52,329
Hank, don't tell Luanne I went down like this,
422
00:19:52,457 --> 00:19:54,130
as a favor to me.
423
00:19:54,259 --> 00:19:55,329
Well...
424
00:19:55,460 --> 00:19:57,201
we probably would do that anyway,
425
00:19:57,362 --> 00:19:59,399
but, all right, for you.
426
00:19:59,598 --> 00:20:01,373
Uh, Officer?
427
00:20:01,533 --> 00:20:02,705
Mr. Platter here
428
00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:05,144
has something he'd like to say.
429
00:20:09,174 --> 00:20:11,916
To celebrate my freedom and my new credit card,
430
00:20:12,077 --> 00:20:14,216
ice cream is on me.
431
00:20:14,346 --> 00:20:17,953
Lucky, I'm so proud you confessed to stealing
432
00:20:18,116 --> 00:20:19,561
to protect that little crippled boy
433
00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:21,254
who really did it.
434
00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:24,560
But now, what will happen to the little crippled boy?
435
00:20:25,824 --> 00:20:27,701
I cannot keep lying anymore.
436
00:20:27,826 --> 00:20:29,999
It's time Luanne knew the truth.
437
00:20:30,162 --> 00:20:33,473
What truth?
438
00:20:35,334 --> 00:20:37,280
The crippled boy will be released
439
00:20:37,436 --> 00:20:39,347
and given a brand-new wheelchair!
440
00:20:39,504 --> 00:20:41,415
Oh! Good.
441
00:20:41,540 --> 00:20:43,747
Aw, I'm just sad Daddy had to go back
442
00:20:43,909 --> 00:20:45,946
to his oil rig again.
443
00:20:46,111 --> 00:20:47,681
He would be so proud of you.
444
00:20:47,813 --> 00:20:49,121
He sure would.
445
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:51,888
But they really need him on that oil rig.
446
00:20:52,017 --> 00:20:55,396
Otherwise, they wouldn't have given him a lifetime contract.
447
00:20:55,554 --> 00:20:58,057
Oil is very important to America.
448
00:20:58,223 --> 00:21:00,533
Even more important than propane?
449
00:21:02,327 --> 00:21:04,432
Uh... yes, Luanne.
450
00:21:04,596 --> 00:21:09,909
Oil... is even more important than propane.
451
00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:12,139
I'm so proud of Daddy!
452
00:21:12,337 --> 00:21:14,283
We all are, baby girl.
453
00:21:14,439 --> 00:21:16,510
We all are.
454
00:21:55,180 --> 00:21:57,683
"Pee-pee money" is not an employment history.
455
00:21:58,305 --> 00:22:58,450
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