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Ripped By mstoll
I'll have another giant lollipop, my good man.
But this time, put a wig on it.
(gasps)
I didn't know you could do that.
Yeah, I know all the secret menus, Bobby.
Like, if you go just about anywhere
and ask for a "Hugging Cow,"
you'll get a burger wrapped in pastrami.
(chewing noisily)
Mr. Dauterive, there is so much I can learn from you.
Dad...
No.
Go a little slower with the junk food, Bill.
(stomach rumbles and growls)
(Bill whimpers)
Bill?
(moaning quietly)
Bill?
(groans)
(chewing noisily)
Sergeant, you passed out from a blood sugar spike.
Looks like you're in the early stages of adult-onset diabetes.
Diabetes?!
That can't be right.
I've eaten lots of sugar my whole life
and nothing's ever happened to me.
Surely you've noticed recent changes in your body:
Blurred vision, frequent urination,
tingling in the hands and feet?
I just thought I was in love.
How did this happen?
Seriously?
Diabetes is very common among the obese.
For some people, there's even a genetic disposition...
Damn genes!
Diabetes is a very manageable disease.
If you do a better job with diet and exercise,
you'll stop it from progressing.
Yeah, genes!
Well, they say diabetes can happen to anyone,
and "anyone" usually means Bill.
My genes have been plotting to kill me
since the day I was born.
Yeah, you keep talking about your genes,
but what about your diet?
Hank, it's not my fault!
My pancreas went out on me.
Yes, it probably is.
You've got to start taking better care of yourself.
I just lose control when I'm around food.
I don't even know where this hot dog came from!
You got to help me, Hank!
Okay, Bill, I'll go with you to the grocery store,
but only if you're serious about changing your diet.
I know you only let me say it on Thanksgiving,
but I'm grateful for you, Hank.
(both grunting)
But it's carrots!
We already went over this with the zucchini muffins.
Oh, I give up!
It's my mom's fault.
When I was sad, she'd give me cookies.
But when I was happy, she'd give me cookies.
All of my emotions demand cookies, Hank!
(sighs)
Let's see... for dinner, I ate a lean chicken breast,
some broccoli,
and one cookie.
(chewing noisily)
(groans)
You know, diabetics like him could really benefit
from some basic nutrition counseling.
Oh, that's an interesting theory.
But you know what I learned at med school?
Oh, that's right.
You weren't there.
You may see a diabetic, but what I see is
a diabetic who will never get his act together.
Oh, I see that
under "Are you taking any medications?"
you wrote "Jell-O."
Mm-hmm. I wrote that so I wouldn't forget to ask.
Three, please.
You probably want me to say
that you can just diet and exercise your way out of this.
But two blood sugar spikes in a week.
Let's face it: Sooner or later, this will kill you.
Probably sooner.
What... What should I do?
Well, we have plenty of nice pamphlets
that I'm sure you'll ignore.
But this is how I see your diabetes playing out.
First comes heart disease,
(whimpering) then kidney failure, then blindness.
Oh, and you'll lose your legs, to gangrene.
(whimpering)
Wait...
Are you just giving me tough love?
Have you seen other doctors?
Yes.
Did they tell you to diet and exercise?
Yes.
Did you do it?
(whimpers)
Here, take this.
You'll end up in a wheelchair anyway.
Might as well get one now, while you still have good insurance.
You know, it's amazing we never get sunburned.
Yep.
Mm-hmm.
(sighs)
I can't believe Bill's in the hospital again.
After all the time I spent with him grocery shopping.
What did you expect?
Bill can't keep his hands off the sweets.
He's just like Winnie the Pooh.
Who also has diabetes.
Is that Bill?
Bill?
What the heck is going on?
Why are you in a wheelchair?
Oh, this?
No, I'm okay.
I'm just gonna lose my legs and then die.
See ya later.
(electric motor whirring)
Take with food, take without food.
It's all so confusing.
(sighs)
No one ever said the d-life was easy.
The d-life?
Diabetic life.
He probably has to use so many abbreviations
because there's so little time left.
I got to tell you, Bill,
I'm surprised your diabetes advanced so quickly.
As a Diabetic-American,
you can never know what's coming your way.
Dr. Weissman said it's only a matter of time
before I lose more than just legs.
(grunting)
Well, don't worry, buddy, we're here to take care of you.
Whatever you need.
And we're gonna start by retrofitting your house.
Thanks, guys.
I'm gonna go read my "Footprints in the Sand" poster now.
He's being so brave.
Ah, you should've seen him, Peggy.
You could never really describe Bill as "able-bodied" before,
but now it's not even an option.
Well, rest assured that diabetes
is not happening to this family.
Which is why I've already made some changes
at La Cocina de Peggy.
Come on, Mom, I'm just a kid.
This carrot is just like that lollipop at the fair.
Only it has a wig of alfalfa sprouts instead of spun sugar.
(groans)
And here's an onion.
(sighs)
This would go a little easier if you'd give me a hand, buddy.
I don't want to go out!
Just drop me, like God did.
Come on, we're gonna find you
a nice wheelchair- friendly park.
(sighs)
Or maybe just some really long pavement.
After I die, I want my ashes put in a snow globe, Hank.
Promise me that.
You're not gonna die, Bill.
We'll stop and get a new knob for your joystick.
I want an eight ball.
I used to run and be free just like them.
Can you help me find a position of comfort, Hank?
Oh, we forgot your pillow in the truck.
I'll be right back.
Hey, you want in?
Uh, no, thanks, I can't.
Not with that attitude, bro.
I'm Sam, but I go by Rolling Thunder,
but I go by Thunder for short.
Wow.
I was gonna call you that before I even knew your name.
What's up with the electric wheelchair?
You should shake that Prius for something that runs on muscle.
Oh, no, my arms are all I've got left.
I want to use them as little as possible.
I'm not a fan of that kind of talk, now.
Check out my ride.
Chrome, crushed velvet, spinners, bumpers.
I'm in complete control, bro.
Check it out, huh.
I'm stylin', I'm profilin'.
I'm stylin'
and profilin'.
Wow, you just made walking seem lame.
Hell, yeah.
Come on, I got a spare one in the truck.
You can have it.
W-Wait!
I can't!
Nice! Woo-hoo!
Ow!
Hey, ladies, come here and sit in my lap.
I'll pretend I'm a massage chair.
(whistles like a massage chair)
(giggling)
(sighs)
You just talked to them.
Hey, hey, are you all right?
Do you need help?
Did he ask you for help?
Oh, he's your attendant.
Yeah, I-I guess so.
I'm Hank.
Are you gonna propose to me or something?
You know, it's Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve.
What?
I have to go with him, Hank.
He called me "bro."
Bill looks so happy.
Who would've guessed it was his legs that were holding him back?
Yep. Bill's been way more upbeat
since he's been hanging out with Thunder.
He seems like a good guy.
I mean, he's pretty insulting to me personally, but...
Hank, we're going out.
You want to come along?
Plenty of room in the back, for an attendant.
Thunder, I'm gonna have to adjust this mirror
to get a better view of my amazing new pythons.
You know, I think I'll stay and attend to my beer.
That is, if, uh, if you don't need me.
Oh, yeah, we're okay.
We can take care of ourselves.
My life would be so different if my name was Thunder.
Or Sean.
(disco music playing)
♪ We're gonna dance the night away ♪
(giggling): Oh, hey!
Go talk to someone.
Women find guys in chairs non-threatening.
Suckers.
I don't know.
My palms are sweaty, I-I can hardly grip my wheels.
♪ We're gonna dance the night away ♪
♪ To the dreamer... ♪
Yeah, bring it around! Woo-hoo!
(woman laughing)
Woo-hoo!
? ...can stop us...?
Oh, look at this delicious food
my mom painstakingly Saran-wrapped for me.
My word, it looks so tasty.
And yet, I am willing to trade.
Oh, I gotta have it!
Let's trade!
What is it?
It says it's seaweed.
No way, Jose.
But you generally like eating gross things!
I know.
This surprises me, too.
(grumbling)
(clicking)
Whoa.
Nice chair!
Question:
Are those wheels angled for stability
or just to make you look cool?
Answer: Both.
Thanks, Dale.
Yeah, this chair is built for ramming into stuff.
Thunder gave me a spot on his rugby team!
Good for you, Bill!
Okay,
We've lowered almost everything
in your house by two feet.
And now we're gonna build you a ramp for the entryway.
Yeah, that's nice, but I've decided
I don't need a ramp anymore.
I was thinking maybe we'll build a basketball court instead.
Got dang, man, look at you, like a dang,
like dang 'ol Lance Armstrong, man, gettin' by on one, man.
Inspired, Bill.
Sometimes it's a man sitting down
who stands the tallest.
It's deep.
Think about it.
Oh, maybe it's the other way around.
(grunts)
(groans)
(grunting)
(cheering)
All right, Bill! Whoo!
(blowing whistle)
Just because you've been cheated by life
doesn't mean you can cheat on my court!
Bill is really hustling out there!
This is amazing.
He never played rugby even when he had legs.
(grunting)
Mm-mmm.
(grunting)
I've never felt more alive
than watching Bill feel more alive.
MEN: ♪ We fight to win ♪
♪ Win, win, win ♪
♪ We growl like bears ♪
♪ Grr! Grr! Grr! ♪
♪ We're Arlen Rugby ♪
♪ So piss off and die! ♪ (laughs)
(cheering)
(whistling)
Well, the ol' bladder's full.
Need to make room for more beer.
Bro?
No. Wait, no!
I-I'm disabled like you!
I've got diabetes really bad.
I'll prove it!
(beeping)
Normal.
Very funny.
Very funny!
Are you pranking us?
Are you like that Archton Karchner or something? Huh?
(beeps)
What? That's strange.
I... I have diabetes.
I mean, I mean, not right now.
My, my, my sugar level is pretty good today.
What's going on?
I think that guy stole someone's wheelchair.
(hissing)
It's nice,
but I'm not sure if it says Bill yet.
Let's give it a beer.
What is going on?
You're-you're walking?
Uh, yeah, Hank, just 'cause he's a paraplegic
doesn't mean his legs don't work.
Wait a minute...
Yeah, I can walk.
And I lost my diabetes, too!
What?! I don't know what happened.
One minute I was all diabetic-y, and now...
I'm fine.
I don't get it.
Dr. Weissman told me I was gonna lose my legs!
Hold on, I-I thought you already lost your legs.
I don't know!
My doctor told me to get a wheelchair.
When people yell at me, I do what they say!
So we did all this for nothing?
We've practically rebuilt your house, Bill!
And I literally dragged you all over town!
Oh, sure, feel sorry for yourself.
You've never been handicapped.
Neither have you!
(sighs)
(disco music playing)
♪ When you want me ♪
♪ Just pick up the telephone ♪
(Bill humming happily) ♪ When you need me ♪
♪ You don't have to be alone... ♪
(humming)
Whee!
This is awkward and sad.
♪ Girl, I’ll be your lover man anytime... ♪
JOSEPH: What is that?
Some plant called wheatgrass.
Wait, what is she doing?!
Dude,
she's gonna drink the ground!
Bobby!
Oh, there you are.
Snack time!
I can't watch you suffer anymore, dude.
Here, have my candy bar.
Really?
Oh, thank God.
It's too sweet!
It's making my teeth itch!
Oh, my God!
You haven't had sugar all week
and now you're not used to it anymore!
I...
I can't eat it, Joseph.
(gulps)
Huh... not bad.
Man, dang 'ol, Bill, man.
Phew... You know.
I'm furious, too, Boomhauer.
I can't drink in peace with Bill
standing there like that.
S'go.
I'm sorry, Hank.
I'd walk away, but that'd just remind me I can walk.
I don't know why you're so mopey, Bill.
You can walk again. You're cured.
No, you don't understand.
I had it all in that wheelchair.
Women paid attention to me.
Buses would lower themselves before me.
When I'd check the mail,
people would call it a "triumph of the human spirit."
But now, nothing.
People only cared about me when I was disabled.
(sighs)
You know that's not true.
Then carry me, Hank.
No. Case closed.
Bill, people seemed to care about you more
because you were doing inspiring things in that wheelchair.
And how am I supposed to be inspiring with legs?
By running a marathon?
By climbing Mount Everest?
I can't climb Mount Everest.
And it's already been done thousands of times!
(crying)
(groans)
(beeping)
(chomping)
(grunting)
What in the hell are you doing?
Why, why won't my sugar level spike again, Hank?
I want things to be like before!
Cut it out! You'll end up in the hospital!
I know!
That's what I'm trying to do!
Nope, not happening, bro.
All that exercise you got hanging out with me
got you in control of your diabetes.
You're welcome.
Why'd you bring him here, Hank?
To rub it in?
I brought him here
to talk some sense into you
because you're acting like a jackass.
(blubbering)
I just wanted to be special
and inspiring like you
and FDR and Larry Flynt.
Bro, you cured yourself.
That's pretty inspiring.
That's right.
Dr. Weissman said you'd never walk again.
He told you to give up, and you didn't.
You beat diabetes, Bill!
Someone'll probably write a whole pamphlet about you!
You know, if I were you
the first thing I'd do with my legs is stand up
and kick your doctor's ass.
But for the record,
I don't need legs to kick anyone's ass.
Dr. Weissman,
my friend Bill would like to register a complaint.
Ooh.
Are you upset or something?
I said you had diabetes, not cry-a-betes.
You told me I was gonna lose my legs!
No, I said your legs could fail one day.
Possibly... I... I never said anything
that could constitute malpractice
under its current definition.
Mm-hmm.
My legs work just fine.
Isn't that inspiring?
(Bill grunting, groaning) WEISSMAN: Ow! Ow! Ow!
(glass breaking)
Uh, my friend is just, uh...
I don't hear a thing.
(Bill grunting, Weissman groaning)
(clattering, banging)
(Thunder whistles like a massage chair)
Ripped By mstoll
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