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Ripped By mstoll
MAN: Okay, Mr. and Mrs. Hill.
Just give me one second to find Bobby's test.
Excellent, great work.
Satisfactory, needs improvement.
Unsatisfactory.
Yes, here's Bobby.
"D-"?
Dang it, Bobby.
I expect more from someone
with no extracurricular activities.
I'm sorry, Dad. I tried.
Math's just not my thing.
I told you we should have let him watch Sesame Street.
Don't blame me.
The boy was terrified of puppets.
Too bad that didn't stick.
So, I guess it's not my fault?
Or mine.
Maybe Bobby's just a bad test taker.
Some kids have trouble handling the stress
of testing situations.
This is ridiculous.
My boy's flunking out,
and you're just making excuses.
Carl, aren't you gonna say something?
Hmm? Oh, oh, sorry, Hank. I wasn't listening.
Uh, I'm mainly here for backup.
You would not believe how quickly
these parent/teacher conferences can turn violent.
Hank, I do not know how you can eat
when our boy is so close to the edge.
He'll be fine.
He just needs to work harder and apply himself.
Yeah, about that.
I was thinking that maybe we shouldn't dismiss
this "bad test taker" thing so quickly.
Bobby, no more excuses.
The only thing that's wrong with you is that you're lazy.
And that's gonna change right now.
And I will be your instrument of change.
I will tutor you and flash-card you
until you claw your way up to a "C-."
I hate letter grades.
Why can't we just go back
to the gold star/smiley face system?
The same reason we won't let you sleep
with your "banky" anymore.
But I still... Yip.
Oh.
(chuckling)
I'll forward it to you...
but better wait till you get home before you open it.
Carl, the school board's got a problem.
A "No Child Left Behind" problem.
Stu, tell the school board we haven't left behind a child
in over five years at Tom Landry.
Hell, we pass everybody.
Carl, the government doesn't care
if your kids pass their classes.
They just care if your kids pass the yearly standardized test,
which they haven't done in two years.
Oh, is that what that law's about?
(sputtering)
Have you even read the manual?
Well, to tell you the truth,
I got a few pages into it,
but it's no Harry Potter.
And-and then the new Harry Potter came out, and well, I...
Damn it, Carl. That test is in a few weeks.
You haven't done squat to prepare for it.
Now, if your kids fail this again,
the state can come in and fire all of you.
And Carl, I imagine the first head
on the chopping block's going to be the principal's.
(microphone feedback squealing)
Okay, kids, I need everyone to listen up real good.
We got a very important standardized test coming up.
If y'all don't pass it,
me and your teachers could be out of a job.
Yes!
Good. We hate you guys!
(laughing)
Let's see how you feel
after Tom Landry gets shut down
and y'all are shipped to other schools.
Maybe a few of you will get lucky
and end up in North Arlen,
but most of you'll be finishing out your year...
in Durndle.
(gasps)
Okay, students, circle up!
Today, the only muscle you'll be stretching
is your noggin.
What happened to kickball?
Gone. Over. Eliminated.
Effective immediately, all classes, including gym,
will be teaching math and reading
to help prepare you for the test.
Okay. Dooley!
I've got a five-pound medicine ball in this hand
and a ten-pound medicine ball in this hand.
If you were to multiply the weightage
of both balls together, what would you get?
I pass.
Oh, for... (groans)
Hill?
Can you use it in a sentence, please?
What?
I just did, you little Knucklehead!
We're never gonna pass this test.
These dumb-dumbs can't even do simple math.
Kleehammer, you're not the only one
under some stress here.
We're all freaking out.
How about this?
Uh, during the test,
we could just move three smart kids
around each dumb kid.
You know they're gonna cheat.
What if we happen
to find some marijuana
in some of the dumb kids' lockers?
Wait.
Think I might have found a technicality.
(moaning)
EMILY: Bobby Hill,
Principal Moss needs you.
Now!
MOSS: Okay, kids,
listen up.
In a few minutes, Mr. Terkelson
from the district's gonna be here to evaluate
whether you're a special needs child or not.
Special needs?
But I'm not special needs, Principal Moss.
Well, Bobby, I think you should
let the expert decide. Wait.
Maybe he's right, Carl.
Maybe he will pass the evaluation.
Then, you can go back to your regular class
and continue studying day and night
for the standardized test, which you'll probably fail.
Let me bottom-line this for you, kids.
If you don't do so well on this evaluation,
that means you're gonna be labeled a special needs child,
which means you're no longer required
to take the standardized test.
Oh, and did I mention...
you'd no longer have any homework.
That sounds pretty good,
but I still don't think I'm special...
And you get to go on the field trip
to Alamo Land next week.
But I thought that trip was only for the kids on the honor roll.
Well, it would be an honor
for the special needs kids to come along.
You know what. I think you're right.
I should let the expert decide.
Okay, children.
Does this clown look sad...
or happy?
Now, raise your hand if you think he's happy.
Thank God I'm here.
There's so much work to do.
HANK: Okay, Bobby,
it's time to go over your algebra.
Your mom left some flash cards to help you study.
I don't have to study anymore.
Why is that?
It's all explained here.
Special needs?
What the hell?
Now, excuse me, I have a special need
for something dipped in chocolate.
No homework, no tests.
Why would they put him in that class?
He doesn't have any learning problems.
Maybe this explains why he hates taking tests
and why his grades are so bad.
I swear to you now, Hank,
I will love that boy no matter how special he is.
Oh, my sweet, sweet boy, look at you.
You come here. Come give your mama a hug.
Okay.
(sobbing): Oh, you...
Carl!
(sighs) Dang it.
Do you know where the, uh, special needs class is?
Excellent.
Fine motor skills, Dooley.
You're the class super-duper champ
of the morning.
Excuse me. I'm Hank Hill,
Bobby's father.
You must be Mr. Terkelson.
Yes. Can I help you?
Hey, Dad.
Uh, yeah, I'd like a word with you outside.
Class, you can rest your eyes,
but no sleepies.
I'll be right back.
Mr. Terkelson, my boy
doesn't belong in your class.
He was just put here
so he wouldn't take the standardized test.
Test? He...
he shouldn't be taking any standardized test, Mr. Hill.
Not until I can fully evaluate his condition.
There is no condition.
That boy is about as normal as you or, well, as me.
Sadly, 20 years ago, you would have been right.
Bobby would have been labeled normal.
Those truly were the dark ages
of public education.
Let me ask you something.
Have you ever found a kid who wasn't special?
No.
Mr. Terkelson, I want my boy
taken out of this ridiculous class immediately
or I'm going to the district.
Sorry, Mr. Hill, I am the district,
and your son is staying
until he gets the care he needs.
Okay, we're gonna have to skip P.E. today
because I don't have enough
first-place ribbons to go around.
(sighs) That class is ridiculous.
If the school's spending all their time and money
on these kids, who's taking care
of the kids who really need help?
I was evaluated when I joined the military.
The tests said I was "dull normal."
I, for one, am relieved
that Joseph has been labeled special needs
'cause that means it's not my fault.
Ah.
Yep, not my fault.
We got most of the "D"s and "C"s accounted for.
Once we take care of any possible wild cards,
we'll be home free.
Look,
that kid is just staring into space
as if our jobs weren't on the line.
I'm on it.
Come with me, Jack,
and leave your books.
You're not gonna be needing them where you're going.
(giggling)
Hi, I'm Bobby.
Preliminary attention disorder and possibly dyslexic.
We're still waiting on the test results.
And this is Joseph... Articulation disorder.
I got it bad, dude.
I don't want to be here.
I was just daydreaming.
Yeah, we all felt like you did at first,
but then we saw the ice cream cart.
(gasping) Do they have fudgesicles?
Three different kinds.
And any time you need a break, you can ask for beanbag time,
which is unlimited.
Oh, and did I mention
that we get to go to Alamo Land next week?
Really? Yeah,
so when you get evaluated, don't try to be a hero.
Shoot for one right answer out of every four
and you'll be just fine.
Look what I made in school for you, Mom.
Oh, Bobby, you are my little miracle.
Peggy, he was making those when he was four.
Ugh, that preschool was so demanding.
Well, I've got to go practice my zipper song.
I think I can learn it before the Alamo Land trip.
♪ Down when you tinkle ♪
♪ Up when you're done... ♪
Wait a second, Bobby.
I thought only the good students were allowed to go on that trip.
Hank, the school did not want to discriminate
against the special-needs kids, so they're letting them go,
and I think it was the right decision.
Now, where was I?
Oh, yeah.
♪ Congratulations ♪
♪ You've made a number one. ♪
Okay, Melissa.
The logarithm to the base three of nine is?
Uh, three?
Three.
No, not even close!
Back of line!
Who's next?
Two?
Of course it's two.
Very good, Jamie.
Here's your Fast Pass.
Enjoy your ride.
You can tell Melissa all about it.
Next!
Feel free to wet yourself.
The splash at the bottom will cover your shame.
Your dad's so cool.
I don't know why my parents hate him.
Whoa,
there's a six-person maximum on this ride.
Park rule.
But, but my girlfriend's on that ride.
Oh, man, that's totally a make-out ride.
You can't leave her alone with Dooley.
Do something, Bobby.
Excuse me, sir.
We are special- needs children
and we are required by state law
to stay with our buddies at all times.
Uh, okay, go ahead.
It has begun!
Look at me.
I'm flume-surfing.
That is so cool.
Dude, I can do it, too.
We are approaching the bottomless pit drop.
Brace yourselves.
(screams)
Wingo!
Gribble, where your dumb kids?
Oh, my God, the special-needs kids!
They're in the water!
(yelling playfully)
What are the special-needs kids doing here
without any supervision?
Who let this happen?
Whoever it was, they're going to pay for this.
Mom, I'm fine, really.
I cannot believe they let this happen to you.
Somebody will pay for this.
Bobby shouldn't have been on that trip to begin with,
and if anything, this is his fault.
He's the one who made that guy jam ten kids on the log flume.
Oh, lay off him, Hank.
He might not know what ten is.
MAN (over television): Miguel Hernandez,
live from Alamo Land Amusement Park
where earlier today a group of special-needs children
narrowly and miraculously
avoided disaster after falling
out of the Falls of Fury log flume ride.
Your thoughts.
I just don't know
why these special ed kids were even on this trip.
I didn't see a chaperone
and none of them were wearing protective head gear.
And I know the principal knew all about it, too.
Excuse me, we have just received
an exclusive photo of the near-disaster.
Let's go right to it.
STU: You're in deep.
The district's out for blood.
I wish I could help you, but they want your job.
But Stu, I've been a principal half my life.
I'm not qualified to do anything else.
What were you thinking, Carl?
You know you're not supposed
to take the special-needs kids off campus,
let alone to an amusement park,
without getting district approval.
Listen, Stu, those kids are no more special than you and me.
They were never in any danger.
I-I just put 'em in that class
so we could pass the standardized test.
I-I didn't hear that.
You, you can't prove I heard that.
This is still America, right?
The land of second chances?
Hank,
thank God you're here.
You got to help me.
Help you?
Kicking your ass seems more appropriate, Carl.
I'm just going to come clean here.
I just labeled those kids special needs
so they wouldn't take the test.
Of course you did.
I'm really stuck here.
I don't have anyone to take the blame.
Emily's too young to take the fall
and everybody thinks Dale Gribble's a special-needs kid.
You have to let those kids take the standardized test.
If they pass, it'll prove they're not special;
they're just a bunch of kids acting like jackasses,
and that you didn't do anything wrong... a-at that moment.
But those kids will never pass that test.
All they need is to be pushed a little, Carl.
That's all they ever needed.
I guess we can try educating 'em.
(pop melody plays)
♪ Bright lights, the music gets faster ♪
♪ Look, boy, don't check on your watch ♪
♪ Not another glance ♪
♪ I'm not leaving now, honey, not a chance ♪
♪ Hotshot, give me no problems ♪
♪ Much later, baby, you'll be saying never mind ♪
♪ You know life is cruel, life is never kind ♪
♪ Kind hearts don't make a new story ♪
♪ Kind hearts don't grab any glory ♪
♪ We're the kids in America ♪
♪ Whoa-oh ♪
♪ We're the kids in America ♪
♪ Whoa-oh ♪
♪ Everybody lives for the music-go-round ♪
♪ La-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
♪ La-da-da-da- da-da-da a'
♪ Say! ♪
♪ We're the kids in America ♪
♪ Whoa-oh ♪
♪ We're the kids in America... ♪
All right, kids, it's test time.
You worked real hard this week, and I'm proud of you.
I have
every confidence that you'll knock that test
out of the park today.
Now, go get 'em!
(school bell rings)
Well, I give you credit, son.
You worked hard and it paid off.
Well, I knew all along he was going to pass.
I guess our boy is special after all.
I'll see you later
and please stop using that word.
Well, it's a shame the school failed again.
I heard the scores actually went down from last year.
Well, I guess you cannot blame the district
for shaking things up.
We're lucky they didn't shut the whole school down.
(whistle blows)
Yeah, but I don't know how great of an interim principal
Coach Kleehammer is going to be.
Study up today, maggots.
I wonder what's going to happen to Principal Moss.
Well, he'll pull through.
You know Carl.
He's a survivor.
(tires screeching)
Good Lord, Carl, I almost hit you.
Sorry about that, Hank.
It's just that we got a new product
everyone at the company's real excited about
and I didn't want you and yours to miss out on it.
You're selling steaks?
Not really. These things sell themselves.
Take a look at this beauty.
Hmm.
I never heard of a J-bone.
Help a brother out, guys.
I need to keep my medical current
until my suspension's over.
I got that disease
where you wake up in strange places drunk.
(whimpers)
Uh, put us down for five, I guess.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
KAHN: Gribble, where your dumb kids?
Ripped By mstoll
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