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Ripped By mstoll
Good evening. Customer service.
Yes. I had, uh, some suggestions
I'd like to talk to you about.
(sighs) Oh, a talker.
(stilted voice): You have reached our Automated Suggestion Center.
Please leave your message for...
Phillip Martin.
But then the rash went away,
and I could wear pants again!
Yup.
Dale.
Hank's going to become a tugboat captain.
Yup.
Gla-gla ixnap bongo.
Mm-hmm.
(sighs)
No one listens to me.
Do you guys think horses remember things
from when they were little?
The picture's so blurry.
Is that what's-his-name from 90210,
or what's-his-name from Growing Up Brady?
I'm fed up with this TV.
We have got to get a new one.
(gasps) Perhaps even a flat-screen TV?
Absolutely.
Hank! Dad!
Okay, whatever it is,
let's just slow down here.
We don't need an expensive
flat-screen TV, Peggy.
That CSI lady looks just fine on the TV we've already got.
Well, sure, we don't need one, Hank, but I want one,
and I am prepared to pay for it myself.
You haven't sold a house in six months, Peggy.
You know, if you put it on a credit card,
I still have to pay for it?
You don't think I can pay for this TV, do you, Hank?
Well, uh...
(sighs) no.
Bobby, get ready for the biggest, flattest TV
you have ever seen in your life.
Peggy, you don't have to do this.
We'll just keep the TV we have.
No, let her do it, Dad.
It will help her to heal.
I shopped around all day,
and the good flat-screens still cost a lot more
than I have in my savings.
Good flat-screens?
Oh, you mean, like... this?
Yes, Minh, like that.
I will get the money somehow.
I just have to come up with a clever invention.
Something that lights up and that kids put on their shoes.
Or you could get another job.
I bet there's a lot of wives that would like you
to be their husband's secretary.
No need to work for TV money.
Make your personal savings work for you.
Listen to my secret friend.
The Dow Genius.
So, we had a down day in the market.
AUTOMATED VOICES: Oh!
Do we get scared?
(scream)
No! We go to Brazil
where they are cornering the bird flu vaccine market.
Buy Bioteca De'Brasilia!
Symbol: BDSA.
(bells clanging, horns blaring)
Well, this is amazing!
I am in for a thousand.
I will buy a gigundo new TV.
For Hank, it will be 79 inches of "So there!"
Hey, maybe I go in for a grand myself.
I'll sell a few guns and invest, too.
Financial dignity might be an interesting switch for me.
Minh, our stock has lost 20% in a few days!
Is there any chance we can return our stocks
at the earlier price?
DOW GENIUS: Okay.
So the market's had a downturn.
The Genius feels your pain!
Ow! Ow!
Ow!
This is crazy.
Every time we obey his shouting, I lose more money.
We should just cut our losses.
I'm gonna admit failure and ask Nancy to reinstate my allowance.
No, I will not be a failure or look like one.
I have got to win at this.
We are overdue.
Come on, you idiot.
Tell us something brilliant.
People, you have to remember
that everybody invests differently.
When the market is slow, buy what you know.
Buy the companies that make
what the average people are buying.
He has a point.
We need to study America,
and invest in what America wants to buy.
Okay, good.
What? What do people like to buy?
I don't know.
Lychee nuts? Opera CDs?
Those new Russian bullets that will go through anything!
Uh, no, not you two.
America.
What does Joe Blow buy?
Beats me. I give up.
Then we are going on a field trip.
America, roll up your sleeve.
Peggy Hill is about to take your pulse.
Okay, they out of pretzels, but not popcorn.
Chocolate snack cakes are sold out, too,
but not pound cake.
There has to be a pattern here.
There's no pattern, Peggy!
It's like Americans are just a bunch of pigs
rooting aimlessly in the dirt.
Look at that!
Who on earth would buy something as repulsive
as chocolate-covered potato chips?
(grunts)
Sorry, Minh.
Oh, hi, Minh!
I'm just so excited they restocked
the chocolate-covered potato chips!
These things fly off the rack.
I need this and this, and this and this...
Mine!
I need extra, so I'm covered for the weekends.
(whispers): Minh, look what's in Bill's cart.
He got the snack cakes,
the pretzels, the aerosol cheese.
What he buys, the rest of them buy.
Think about it.
Bill is middle-aged, obese,
with disposable income, and poor impulse control.
He is the average American consumer.
Bill is our golden pig!
Ho, yeah!
Hmm. Oh! I need jumbo wrap!
Mega-Lo-Wrap. Check.
What on earth he wrapping with that much wrap?
The American consumer doesn't know.
All it knows is it must wrap.
You know, I know it's just Bill,
but something doesn't feel right about this.
Do-Do you think we should tell him?
We can't tell him.
People act most natural
when they don't know they're being observed.
I cite as evidence several hundred episodes
of Candid Camera.
Hmm.
Let's... see.
I like shopping with all of you.
Usually, the only people who talk to me in stores
are older gay men who've dropped their standards.
Well, buy something already!
Okay!
Ooh!
I read about this.
A mini jungle gym
for your cats to play in.
You don't have any cats.
Well, I might... some day.
BILL: Ooh!
Castle Wolfehammer 9!
"Sergeant Vengeance battles the Furious Fuhrer!"
Hey, C-Hammer Nine!
Right On!
So, Bill,
where ya feel like going for lunch, huh?
So. Heh. "That's a Real Italiano!"
Heh-heh.
Home of the Spaghetti Sandwich.
I recommend the Jumbo Spaghetti Sandwich.
It's my favorite.
Well, it certainly is... popular.
(whispers) And publicly traded.
Ho, yeah.
(cheering) All right!
This one here is top-of-the-line.
If it's the top of the line, I'll take it.
Uh, care to add a "Super-Surround" system,
with ultra stereo boost?
Throw it in.
Well, here we go.
Everyone ready?
(blaring): It's third and eleven
the Cowboys have got to pass... (shrieks)
Oh, my gosh, Hank, turn it down.
Turn it down, Hank!
I can't tell... which button.
Dad! Make it stop!
Oh, goodness.
Well, it's got a little something
under the hood there, doesn't it?
I'm proud of you, Peggy.
I cannot believe this amazing TV is really in our house!
Yeah, Peggy, how did you afford this?
I mean, it had to be pretty expensive.
Hugely expensive, but that does not matter anymore.
I am so excited I can finally tell you.
I have discovered a secret gold mine.
Uh, I don't like the way you just said "gold mine."
What do you mean?
...so we made all this crazy money,
just by studying Bill.
You don't look proud of me anymore.
Well, I wonder why not.
Peggy, you used Bill.
You have to fix this.
I hope you're not gonna say we should get rid of the TV.
Well, of course not... It's incredible...
But you have to tell Bill what you've been doing.
Promise me you'll do that.
Then let's go back to watching this amazing thing.
So... you were... studying me?
You listened to me!
My opinions made a difference!
So you're not mad?
No. I'm honored that you cared what I thought.
You folks feelin' like dessert?
Yeah. Bill, dessert!
What do you, want to have? Huh?
Hmm...
Good point.
What does Bill want for dessert?
HANK: And it displays windows within windows.
I still haven't figured out how to make those go away, though.
It's so nice when people care what you have to say.
Hank, why didn't you ever tell me what it was like?
Well, I'm just happy you're okay with it.
I thought it might make you angry.
Of course you thought Bill would think that.
But only Bill knows what Bill thinks.
You have this nice TV because I have the power of being me.
Bill, you don't have powers.
It works because you're so... typical.
Still...
you're not the one who's typical, I am.
I buy things, and it makes money,
so we can buy more things.
I'm like an ecosystem.
BOBBY: Dad, look!
Two Rob Schneider movies on-screen at the same time.
You're welcome, Bobby.
So, how are our profits this week?
Minimal.
We need to diversify.
All our positions are still in junk food and cat toys.
"Hedge funds... global indicators..."
Hey, this "tech sector" stuff must be important.
The article on it is really long.
Check this out:
there's a big computer trade show
in Austin next week.
Okay, computers.
What will Bill pick for us? Robots?
I hope he chooses some robots.
Wow... it's so incredible.
So this is the future, huh?
(sighing)
I don't know.
Everybody's so cool.
It's not about being cool, Bill.
Most people aren't cool.
This is about what regular Americans are going to buy.
Now... digital cameras. What do you like?
Well, I just...
I don't know...
I mean, I, I think...
Don't think about it. Just be Bill.
PEGGY: Come on, Bill. Just pick something.
(mumbling): I don't know. I don't know.
I... I... I...
Damn it. We broke him.
He's useless now.
This is classic Heisenberg.
The observer effect.
Observer? Wha...?
The very act of observation
interferes with the outcome,
often misattributed to Heisenberg,
who was wrong about the bomb, but right about uncertainty.
See, now you're watching you.
And that's the problem.
It shows up in Al theory, too.
Quite so.
Anyway, this thing is a wash.
You're broken.
Game over.
Oh, dang it. I was gonna get Hank
a La-Z-Boy with a fridge in it.
They have those.
Eh, it was pretty good while it lasted.
No! It's not over!
I can still do it!
America will love, uh...
this!
No, wait. Come back!
Come ba... I'm still Bill.
I can pick winners.
Nobody can be Bill like me.
I'll show them.
I have to show them.
(woman's voice): This is 24-7 Stockz.
So, what are we trading?
Hi. If, if I use my savings
and take out a second mortgage on my house,
can I open a trading account?
You betcha.
Good because I want to buy, buy, buy.
Well, what do we do next?
Now that Bill's melted down, he won't be any help anymore.
How about we try the Dow Genius again?
DOW GENIUS: Let me put it this way,
ZNE Technologies is like a Mafia wife...
Do not touch!
Okay, next caller is Bill from Texas.
Howdy, cowboy.
BILL: I've gone broke.
Well, maybe it's not our Bill.
Okay, Bill from Arlen, Texas is broke.
Happens to the best of us, big man.
So, what do you got for me?
Uh-oh.
Please, please help me.
I've mortgaged my house; I used all my savings
to invest in a sure thing, but then...
Whoa, slim, you telling me
you bet your whole nut on one stock?
Give me the nutcracker.
Let's see it.
Don't laugh at me.
I was once a stock-picking genius,
but I made so much money for my friends...
(sobbing)
(clicks TV off)
We're still not 100% certain that was our Bill.
(doorbell ringing repeatedly)
Minh? Are you home?
Peggy? Anyone?
(moaning)
Maybe we should just go out there and, and talk to him.
And say what?
Sorry, your life is somehow even worse than it was?
Yeah, and besides we didn't do anything wrong.
Oh, come on, we used him for our own gain until we broke him,
and then we cast him aside?
Then, in a desperate attempt to regain our love,
he lost everything he owned.
But other than that, we're good, right?
(Bill blubbering)
(blubbering and sobbing)
(speaking Turkish)
What are these words?
Can't we get rid of those guys?
Who are they?
No idea. Dang it.
There are so many buttons on this remote.
Ew! Ew!
Oh, it hurts my eyes! It's too detailed!
This is what madness must feel like!
Oh, thank goodness.
Somehow it went to sleep.
(Bill sobbing)
Now what? What's that voice?
It's just Bill.
(Bill blubbering)
(sighs)
He doesn't sound too good.
BILL: My strategy was sound.
I leveraged liquidity,
but there were negative market corrections.
Overall I give myself an "A" for theory.
Bill, you don't know what any of those words mean.
I just wanted people to listen to me, Hank.
It's so awful being ignored.
You know what's gonna be even more awful?
You're gonna lose your house.
How much are you on the hook for?
(sighs) A lot.
And not my usual "a lot." This time I'm being accurate.
(sighs) Dang it.
All right, I'm gonna go find the others.
(loud fanfare) (all gasp)
(classical music blares)
It was on "Sleep."
And then it stopped sleeping.
Don't leave us alone with it.
Unplug it to be sure.
Who knows what it'll do next?
(screaming)
Oh, thank God! I thought you were Bill!
How could you three do this?
You know the way Bill is,
but you took him out for a spin anyway.
It's like you had a truck
with faulty brakes, but you just didn't care.
We feel terrible.
I want to help,
but the Gribbles have a long history of making things worse.
Well...
I guess we could sell off our holdings
to pay off Bill's mortgage ourselves.
Hank, I know how much you love it,
but the TV came from using Bill and...
Sell it.
Yes, anything to, uh...
help our friend.
You are an inspiration, Hank.
(cheering)
$5,000?
That's nowhere near enough.
The man mortgaged his house.
How about this:
instead of selling off more guns,
I could just leave a few out on Bill's doorstep,
and let come what may.
(sighs)
Let's just give him this much.
It's better than nothing, and at least we tried.
Thank you all. It's awfully generous.
But I won't need this money now.
It turns out after all that...
MAN: You know where a working man
can get a cold beer around here?
In the kitchen.
Even total strangers don't care if they interrupt me.
Sorry, Bill. Looks like he's here helping Buck
move the TV today.
Go on.
What's the use?
Anyway, thanks for the money, but I'm safe now.
I declared bankruptcy this morning.
You declared bankruptcy?
Well, it's Texas, Hank.
They're pretty efficient about this sort of thing.
They even had a special E-Z-Broke phone line.
Anyway, I won't take up any more of your time...
Whoa, hold on, friend, not so fast.
Did you just say you got
a bona fide, state-certified bankruptcy?
Yeah.
Ooh, how does that work?
Do you have to declare all of your assets
or can you keep your offshore money?
And who were you hiding your money from?
Your wife? The government?
I want to go bankrupt some day.
I just want to owe a little more first.
Is it hard to pull off?
Oh, no, it was so easy, even I could do it.
Well, don't just repeat that part, my man.
Give us the whole gory details.
Wow, I can't believe you want to hear what I have to say.
Well, Buck, if you'll
hand me that beer, I'll tell you all about it.
Fantastic.
Darrin, this could take a while.
Man, I'm all over this.
Apparently, there are a lot of bankruptcies.
The E-Z-Broke guy was very helpful...
Let me tell you, it's pretty scary
seeing all those zeroes at first, but...
BILL: Hank's going to become a tugboat captain.
Ripped By mstoll
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