Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org
Ripped By mstoll
Thank you for helping us
register for our baby shower, Aunt Peggy.
Well, when I heard you planned to get all your baby supplies
at 7-Eleven, I decided it was time to step in.
There are plenty of times that I wish I had a device
to hold me upright in the bathtub.
(beep) Got it.
I can't believe that in less than two weeks
I will have a teeny-tiny little baby!
There's still so much I don't know.
Well, you don't have to know anything...
Because I will be giving you and Lucky
the greatest gift of all:
my 13 years of experience as a mother!
And a real gift, too, right?
Of course. Thank you, Aunt Peggy!
I guess all I have to worry about is giving birth,
and you'll teach me how to do everything else.
That is right.
And take it from me, giving birth, Luanne,
will be one of the best days of your life.
It was for me, thanks to modern medicine.
Okay, honey, I'm gonna give you a little something for the pain.
Don't worry, Peggy,
I'm here for you.
(happy sigh)
I did not fully wake up
until the ride home from the hospital.
That's what I want, Aunt Peggy...
A foggy memory I can treasure for a lifetime.
WOMAN (over speaker): Welcome to Want-A Burger.
I'm Jane. May I take your order?
You may. I'd like a triple-meat, triple-cheese meal
with hot lemon pie and a large soda. That's...
That's all the sodas
mixed together?
You... know what I want?
Of course I do... You're a regular, honey.
"Honey"?
You're not Jane!
Who's Jane?
The drive-thru lady.
(chuckles): We sort of have a thing.
Ah. Well, I'm not supposed to say anything,
but the drive-thru people don't actually work here.
But I talk to her every night.
Well, they work out of a call center in Buckeye, Arizona.
It's cheaper that way.
Arizona?
Well, then... that's where I'll go.
I'll go to Arizona and find her and tell her how I feel.
(chuckles): Okay. I'm really gonna do it!
Knock yourself out, sir.
WOMAN: Isn't that sweet?
WOMAN 2: All right,
time for another game... Give the paper a tug.
I don't know what this game is, but I bet I win.
Watch this!
(laughs)
For every one of them squares, you owe that baby ten bucks!
But...
I'm just a kid.
You best pay up, son.
This is a rough-looking crowd.
Yeah. Maybe they'd all feel more at home
if I served the cake up on cinder blocks.
(doorbell rings) (suppressed laughing)
That must be my baby sister.
Notice how I waited to get drunk?
(quietly): No wonder she's the last one here.
Most tractors won't go over ten miles an hour.
Hey, baby sis!
Luanne,
this is Myrna.
Myrna, this is my beautiful wife Luanne.
And this is our beautiful baby.
(chuckles): Well, I hope.
Well, it's great to finally meet the both of you.
And you must be Peggy.
Thank you for inviting me into your lovely home.
You're welcome.
And I bet these little ones
would like some juice.
They aren't allowed to drink juice.
They'll have water and read a book.
Those kids ain't right.
I must admit, you're not what I expected.
I thought you'd be a lot more...
Rustic?
What a polite way to say what I was thinking.
I wasn't happy with the environment in which Lucky and I were raised.
All our family dinners were preceded by my father saying,
"Hey, look what I found!"
Well, score one for nurture.
Oh, and you don't have to worry about these two.
I live right across the street,
and I am teaching them everything I know about raising a child.
Between you and me,
when Lucky called and said he was going to be a father,
I-I cried, right there in yoga class.
See this scar?
It's where my head hit the coffee table
when Luanne told me.
Did you know Lucky once served me
something he called "fancy squirrel"?
That is nothing.
Luanne once got stuck on an escalator.
(laughs): Well, thank God they have us.
(laughs): I hear that.
(chuckling)
(both sigh)
Bill, I know you're pretty fired up
about driving to Arizona for love and whatnot,
but you ought to consider your other option:
not driving to Arizona.
What Jane and I have is special, Hank.
Too special to let New Mexico keep us apart.
So long, fellas!
So, Bill's taking a solo road trip through the desert.
How much of Bill's body
do you think vultures will refuse to eat?
Ah...
And this one is from me.
(guests murmuring)
Trust me,
it will be your "breast" friend. (chuckles)
(forced chuckle)
I... don't get it.
But thank you for the horseshoe-shaped pillow.
It will bring the baby good luck.
I-It's for feeding the baby.
You do realize that you're going to have to feed the baby, right?
With all due respect, Luanne and I don't need
some fancy pillow to feed our baby.
Monkeys don't need pillows to feed their young.
I'm not following you.
I've watched a lot of nature programs,
and it seems to me most of life's questions
can be answered with another question:
What would a monkey do?
PEGGY: And here's something else for you two.
I saved every single thing that Bobby ever wore,
sat in or spit up on.
I only hope they bring you as much joy as they brought me.
LUANNE: Oh, my gosh!
Thank you, Aunt Peggy!
We meet again, Mr. Giggles.
(gasps)
You're not actually going
to give this stuff to Luanne, are you?
Oh, no. I'm just gonna let her borrow it
till Bobby has a child.
We've learned so much about parenting
since this mobile was made.
It wasn't designed to stimulate baby brain growth.
Oh, you modern mothers!
You need all those gadgets and gizmos.
Back in my day, we had to get by on gumption.
And Bobby turned out just fine.
(zany music plays over TV)
Yes. And if Bobby is the kind of child Luanne wants to raise,
she should certainly follow your advice.
(guests gasping) WOMAN: This is gonna get good.
Now, hold on, there is nothing wrong
with how I raised my child.
I'm just saying it might be a good idea for Lucky and Luanne
to take a childcare class, so they can learn,
or unlearn, whatever they need.
Fine.
Why don't we all go... Perhaps we'll all get
a refresher on what's important to a child,
and what's just a desperate attempt
to prove to the world that you're a good mother.
Fun!
Welcome to Baby Care Basics.
I'm Gloria, your instructor.
We will cover many topics in our course,
including how to soothe a teething baby. Oh!
I know this one.
My Aunt Peggy told me.
Scotch on the gums.
GLORIA: No. Giving a child alcohol
is never advised.
Well... not a lot.
Just enough to take the edge off.
I find if I freeze a peach slice
and wrap it in a washcloth,
the baby gets soothing pain relief
and a serving of fruit.
Mmm.
We will also discuss
how to help a baby sleep through the night.
Maybe let someone else answer.
Oh-oh! Aunt Peggy told me that one, too.
Put it on its stomach
and surround it with lots of pillows and blankets,
so it feels secure.
Oh, my, that-that's outdated information.
We now know that's quite dangerous.
No one should listen to this woman.
In fact, I'm going to take this doll away from you.
I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you practicing on it.
(Luanne sobbing)
I can't believe... that I got kicked out of...
our baby class.
My baby's gonna be here in two weeks!
I don't have time to learn what I need to learn!
We're gonna fix this, baby doll.
I will go to the video store
and rent every monkey movie ever made.
No, I will fix this.
I'll have Jason pick up the kids today.
I'll stay here until the baby is born
and teach you everything I know, which is a lot.
You do not have to do that.
Yes, things have changed since I had Bobby,
but I still know how to raise a child.
And there is nothing wrong with any of this stuff.
(clown squeaks)
Um, I think we're gonna start listening
to Myrna now, Aunt Peggy.
It's not that we don't love you,
it's just that, well, we want our baby to live.
I have read every book, magazine and blog
dedicated to childcare.
Lucky, you will need to baby-proof this house.
Can do.
When I'm done, not even the wiliest of babies
will be able to get in here.
And, Luanne, I will make sure you have a drug-free,
stress-free hypno-birth.
No, no, no... Trust me,
you need hard, class-three narcotics.
MYRNA: Drugs are for sick people, Peggy.
Luanne isn't going to treat her baby like a disease.
Like you did with your son.
JANE: It must be cold out there in the desert tonight.
I have my love to keep me warm. (chuckles)
I'll talk to you when I get to Truth or Consequences.
I'll have a salad
and a diet soda.
JANE: Staying in shape, huh, honey?
(gasps): "Honey"?
I thought I was "honey"!
Is that you, Bill?
How many other honeys do you have?
Is it just him, or do you say it
to every salad-eating playboy in a Taurus?
JANE: What? Good-bye, Jane!
Forever!
Wait, no! Bill, come back!
You know what? A lemon pie sounds pretty good.
And this Myrna is filling Luanne's head
with all sorts of crazy ideas.
And Luanne is soaking them up like a simple, obedient sponge.
Well, Myrna was right about
some of these hand-me-downs being dangerous.
I'm not sure pacifiers come painted anymore.
I still have plenty to teach Luanne about being a good mom.
She just won't listen to me.
Luanne needs to learn this stuff on her own.
It might be time to push her out of the nest
and get our freedom back.
Come on, Peggy, push with me.
Maybe you're right.
Besides, if I fight, I'm gonna lose her.
I will have to bend.
Thanks for helping me baby-proof, gentlemen.
No problem.
One of the many joys of being a parent
is all the stuff you get to assemble
and then, later, disassemble.
Myrna says we're supposed to crawl around
to find out what's dangerous.
It's amazing.
To an unsuspecting baby, almost anything can become a weapon.
For example, this weapon.
Lucky, I know you care a lot about what your sister says,
but maybe it's time you and Luanne
started thinking for yourselves.
No can do, Uncle Hank.
(Dale choking)
(sighs)
Choking hazard identified.
I can't wait to show you the new nursery, Aunt Peggy.
And I cannot wait to see it.
Myrna.
Ta-da!
Oh, my!
Myrna says everything is black and white and red
to help the baby see and think.
Really?
Hmm.
I wonder if that's why the Nazis chose those colors.
Over here is the tummy-time station
where Luanne will give her baby three ten-minute
strength-building sessions per day.
And these DVDs are gonna help my baby's brain.
This worm has so much wisdom.
(echoing heartbeat) Oh, for God's sake.
That's what it sounds like inside my womb.
It's what you would hear if I swallowed your ear.
Isn't this room wonderful?
Well, I think you captured the...
I mean, I think it's...
I think it's awful.
Luanne, it's joyless. It's creepy.
Peggy, this is awkward enough without you critiquing our nursery.
This is Luanne's nursery.
And if she keeps listening to you,
her kid is gonna end up like yours,
a book-reading, water-drinking robot!
Um! guys...
Not now, Luanne! Not now, Luanne!
I think the baby's coming.
Ow!
Why can't Luanne just give birth
in a gotdang hospital, like everyone else?
You are preaching to the choir, Hank,
but no one is asking me anymore.
Well, I guess a waiting room is a waiting room.
Luanne, or should I say Myrna,
doesn't want us in a waiting room. Uh-uh.
She wants everyone with her as she gives birth...
In that tub.
Bah!
What doctor agreed to this?
There is no doctor.
The baby will be delivered by a facilitator.
That man
in the open robe and Speedo.
Ugh.
This is gonna ruin baths for me forever.
(pop top opens)
Do all these people really have to be here?
Trust me, this is the best way for your baby
to enter the world... surrounded by a support network.
If we open up all the windows, can I light a hibachi?
Here comes another contraction.
What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
Okay, deep breaths, Luanne, like we practiced.
You're in a wheat field. There's a gentle breeze...
Okay, a breezy, painful wheat field.
Lots of wheat, lots of pain.
I hate this wheat field!
I think I need to walk around.
Excellent. It's good to walk around during the beginning stages of labor.
"Beginning?"
(deep breaths)
Myrna, would you get me the Enya CD?
You'll need something stronger.
I'll get chanting monks.
Aunt Peggy?
Can I talk to you?
Get me out of here now.
Consider it done.
(groans)
We are busting Luanne out of here
and getting her to a hospital.
Hold on a minute, there.
What if she gives birth in my truck?
You know there's a limit to what Armor-All can do.
I hate this!
Hank, this is happening with or without you.
Bobby, you need to cause a distraction.
Do you think you can do that?
A chance to flex my improv muscles.
I like it.
Mm-mm, wait for Luanne's signal.
(deep breaths)
Um, Myrna, um, can you get my floaties from my purse?
I can't swim so good.
It's hard to believe in just a few hours, we'll have a baby.
And you'll be thin again.
Bobby, now!
Cannonball! No!
What are you doing?
Get out of there!
This is what happens when you give kids juice!
You're tainting the birthing tub!
Double meat meal, please.
JANE: Bill? Is that you? Where have you been?
Not that it's any of your business,
but I had lunch at a Luly's...
and it was delicious.
Oh, really? Mm-hmm. They know how to treat a guy there.
What are we doing?
Why are we trying to hurt each other? I don't know. I miss us.
I miss us, too. I can be there in an hour.
What are you waiting for, honey?
Hmm.
What's going on, Baby Doll?
Where are we going?
We are taking Luanne away from this glorified hot tub club
to a proper hospital.
I want to go someplace
where there's doctors and nurses and painkillers.
Now, Luanne, we thought this through.
Myrna said a birthing center
was the first step on the road to a perfect baby.
Oh, I am getting in this truck, Lucky.
And you can either come with me or you can stay here with Myrna.
I will stick by my mate.
Which, by the way, is precisely what a monkey would do.
She's onto us! Let's roll!
All right, everybody in.
I will check you in.
Then I'll go chat up the janitor.
They're the ones who really run these places.
(gasping)
You know what I think about
when I accidentally smack myself with a hammer?
The Cowboys.
Maybe you should think about the Cowboys.
(panting)
I hope I'm doing the right thing, Uncle Hank.
Everyone keeps giving me advice.
I have ideas, too, but no one wants to listen to 'em.
Well, this is your baby, Luanne.
No one else is gonna raise it for you,
especially not your aunt and me.
Maybe it's about time you started thinking for yourself.
Sometimes I can't tell the difference
between thinking and being quiet, but I'll try.
Well, you're gonna make mistakes.
Lord knows I must have made some with Bobby,
judging by some of the asinine stuff he does.
But you have to start somewhere.
Luanne, stop.
We need to get you out of here before it's too late.
Actually, Myrna, we've decided we're giving birth here.
PEGGY: That's right, Myrna.
They have decided
to give birth the right way,
the Peggy way.
No. Wait.
I don't want to do this your way either.
I want to do this my way.
I love you so much, Aunt Peggy, and I want your advice,
but, Lucky and I need to do this on our own.
I will be right in the waiting room if you need me.
I know you will.
Let's go have a baby.
And maybe a huge settlement.
There will be lots of things to slip on when this is all over.
(indistinct chatter)
(gasps)
Jane?
Bill?
You didn't tell me you were so... old.
You didn't tell me you were so young.
I'm not young. I'm 17.
I'm just gonna drive home now.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
(sighs)
I tell you what, this Goofus fellow is a dumb-ass.
Look at me,
I'm on a Japanese subway!
(door opening)
It's a girl.
And she's beautiful.
HANK (sighs): This is one good-looking baby.
They did a great job cleaning her up.
Ooh, you're a little cute one, I tell you what.
She bears a strong resemblance to my side of the family.
Course that might change once she gets teeth.
So, what's her name?
Well, we have decided to name her
after one of our favorite things...
Lasagna. What?!
Lasagna Kleinschmidt.
They gave you the good stuff, didn't they?
No, we just like the name Lasagna.
There is no way I'm gonna sit by
and let you name your child after...
Luanne needs to make her own decisions from now on.
But no, honey, her name is not going to be Lasagna.
(camera shutter snaps)
What would a monkey do?
Ripped By mstoll
Please rate this subtitle at www.osdb.link/76bqv Help other users to choose the best subtitles